Brenda's Bicycles

 

The clock tower barely strikes “nine” as I occupy my favorite bench under a huge shade tree in the plaza. Fifty yards away, a vendor turns on a quiet radio, providing me with relaxing background mood music. A few pigeons gather as I throw out a few breakfast crumbs.

 

“What am I going to write today?” I ask myself. Even I do not know the answer to this question—other than the fact that I desire to explore my emotional roller coaster ride of the past few days.

 

Perhaps, by writing, I can reach additional clarity; maybe I can muster a little more courage and trust.

 

For several months now, a burning question in the back of my mind has been “Where am I going to go after I leave Cozumel?”

 

All of my life I have been one to plan. When going on any kind of trip or vacation, I tend to prepare myself in advance—researching everything including maps, sites to visit, sleeping accommodations, and weather. A few times in more recent years I have attempted road trips where itineraries were unplanned—left completely to chance. While such random adventures were always great learning experiences, unforeseen complications often led me to a state of frustration, occasionally even approaching panic.

 

My logical left brain thrives on details and planning, being prepared for anything and everything. Don’t get me wrong. I consider such skills in planning and preparation to be a strength—one that has served me quite well throughout my life. But there has also been a great price to pay—including stress, and loss of spontaneity. When I am too focused on the future, I find that I miss out on the wonder of precious present moments.

 

My recent trip to Mexico City was an incredible confidence builder—a journey in which I faced several deep fears and began to tear down some of my long-held obsessions with planning and organization. Circumstances blessed me with a relatively safe opportunity to practice ‘not knowing’—to personally witness divine guidance taking the place of my need to know in advance.

 

In early August, shortly before flying home for my son’s wedding, my left brain kicked into gear. Demanding attention, this logical side of me made sure that I knew the gravity of my circumstance. “You have less than three months till your time in Cozumel is complete.” The nagging and worrisome thoughts began. “You need to begin making plans for your future after Cozumel … planning time is very short.” 

 

I appeased the worrying thoughts by beginning a small amount of research. I discovered that there are many volunteer opportunities scattered throughout Central and South America. “Yes, when I get back from the wedding, I will check some of them out.” I reassured my ego, keeping it temporarily distracted.

 

However, as I quieted my mind in meditation, my spiritually centered self calmly reassured me, “Brenda … it is definitely too early to be concerned with your next journey … there are many things that need to happen first … you need only focus on your present path … be patient … if you focus on the future you will miss the present … your future path will manifest itself at the appropriate time … and not before.”

 

In late August, after returning from my son’s wedding, I spent another evening scouring the internet. This time, other possibilities caught my fancy. I discovered two different spiritual retreat centers in Peru—one Buddhist and one Vedanta. While the thought of spending a few quiet months in such a spiritual haven proved very enticing, again my centered heart calmly reassured me “Brenda, quit looking so far ahead … focus only on the present … just surrender and trust.”

 

After focusing back on the present, September became a spiritual feast of incredible opportunity and synchronicity, one I will never forget—yet my little ego desire to “plan the future” continues to nag and fester in the background.

 

As I maneuvered through my fears prior to committing to fly to Mexico City, a deep knowing in my heart let me know that the trip was a necessary preparation for the next phase of my journey—one that involves much more spontaneity, trust, and surrender—one that involves very little, if any, planning.

 

My ego-fears staged a rebellion with this thought, creating much of the panic that I experienced during my surrender-to-spirit process. Twice in Mexico City, powerful emotional experiences unexpectedly surfaced, both the result of beautiful songs that reached deeply into my heart, gently melting my ego-resistance, reassuring me that I am protected and lovingly watched over.

 

The “planning part” of me half expected that answers would flood through my heart as soon as my Mexico City trip was completed—but my ego did not especially like some of the answers I was beginning to feel when I returned.

 

A few things are very clear in my heart. Calm peaceful feelings permeate my soul with the knowledge that I will not be living in my present apartment beyond October 31, and that my external work in Cozumel, at least for the time being, is now complete. My heart is quite clear that my remaining growth path in Cozumel will be more internal, exploring my own fears and anxieties.

 

Miguel just strolled by on his way to work. Bless his sweet heart. I haven’t had much of a visit with him for several weeks. I’m not entirely sure what I just got myself into. Again, he pressured me to have dinner with him. Rather than my usual memorized “No,” I checked in with my heart and the answer “Yes” just came blurting out. We are meeting right here, tonight at 6:00 p.m.—then traveling together to his home. Upon accepting his invitation, I reiterated over and over, “Just friends—just a friendship,” making my intentions extremely clear. Each time, he slyly throws in the phrase, “We’ll see.”

 

It is hard to believe, but exactly four months ago today, I said my goodbyes to Salt Lake City, landed in Cozumel, and moved into my present apartment. Now, in less than three short weeks, I will say goodbye to my new Cozumel friends, moving on yet again. But I know this is not really a “goodbye”—something tells me I will be returning here many times in the future.

 

Lately, almost everywhere I look, events seem to trigger a thought that has already begun to send deep peaceful roots into my heart. In the Cancun airport, while flying to Mexico City, I observed a woman with a large backpack, preparing to board my plane. On my tour to the pyramids of Teotihuacan, I was fascinated by the backpacking adventures of my young friend from New Zealand.

 

At our Wednesday morning “American Ladies” breakfast this week, I met a new friend—a thirty-something woman who has previously backpacked around Mexico. Our discussion was fascinating, after which she offered to share her wisdom and experience with me. To top it off, my friend JayDee has volunteered to store two of my large suitcases at her home in Cozumel while I set off on an adventure.

 

For more than a month, my heart has been telling me (in spite of my fear) that I want to hop onto a bus and explore the Yucatan area of Mexico—possibly for several weeks, possibly for a month or two. Then, just in the past week, a buried feeling has begun surfacing—the thought of continuing my backpacking adventures throughout Central America while passing through countries like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Guatemala.

 

Strange as it may sound, this desire feels like a hidden memory coming back to life—one in which I remember having always been fascinated and intrigued with the thought of exploring Central America—having always known that one day I will do so.

 

Intense fear flooded through my body Saturday Morning as I began to research on the internet. The words on the US State Department website are enough to strike terror into the hearts of anyone thinking about traveling in these politically unstable countries—especially a woman considering traveling alone. Daunting warnings of high crime rates, bus/car hijackings, murders, and robberies are plentiful.

 

Then there are the warnings about Malaria and Yellow Fever in countries such as Ecuador and Bolivia, and parts of Peru.

 

Digesting these fearful words for more than two hours left my logical brain screaming “Hell no, I won’t go! There is no way I am going to make myself vulnerable to that kind of danger. My next destination needs to be something safe and comfortable. I need to protect myself.”

 

My right brain was largely silent during this fear-inducing research. As my heart began to freeze up, fear, resistance, and even panic, pushed their way into my consciousness.

 

“Do I really believe all that I spiritually profess to believe?” I began to challenge myself. “If spirit were to strongly guide me to follow such a path, would I have the faith, courage, and trust to follow—to surrender—to go forward into the seemingly terrifying and dangerous unknown?”

 

In an attempt to sooth my heart, I did a little additional research. This time I checked out what the US State Department website had to say about Mexico City. I momentarily laughed when I realized that I was reading many of the same fear-inducing statements about a city I had just visited—a city where my heart had felt nothing but peace. A feeling of gratitude momentarily flooded my being—I was grateful that I had not read these scary words before visiting Mexico City.

 

A quick browse through a few other non-official websites also gave me slight encouragement as I searched for anything to bolster my confidence and courage.

 

While I’m not yet making any declarations or commitments about backpacking through Central America, I can say with certainty that my heart is preparing me to face such fears in a very real way. Perhaps this whole process is simply a mental one where I will face my fears before being guided in a different direction—and perhaps such a physical journey is actually in my cards. Only time will tell.

 

As Saturday afternoon arrived, I was feeling completely disconnected from spirit. Fear and resistance were busily attempting to build an internal fortress around my heart, and my inner peace was in serious jeopardy. Just prior to heading out for some lunch, my heart cried out in the form, “Go to your bookshelf.”

 

While in Utah for my son’s wedding, a strong feeling caused me to buy the book “Jonathan Livingston Seagull.” Several times in recent conversation, my friend Michelle had mentioned the book. In my first reading, over thirty years ago, the book had not left a lasting impression on my heart. In fact, I retained no memory whatsoever of its content.

 

But energetic feelings I sensed as Michelle spoke those words, along with a subtle knowing in my heart, let me know in no uncertain terms, “Do not go back to Cozumel without this book.”

 

Saturday, as I stared at my bookshelf, there was absolutely no question. This little former-bestseller figuratively jumped off the shelf into my hands, saying “Read me … today … right now!”

 

I had no choice. The book soon slipped from my hand into my backpack. In a single sitting, under my favorite shade tree in the plaza, I devoured the book from cover to cover.

 

Using the power of a simple parable, author Richard Bach managed to re-ignite my inner passions—passions telling me that “Yes … I will follow my heart … no matter where it takes me … no matter what the seeming emotional or physical risk … I will fly free … I will connect to the divine potential that resides within me … I will not live with fear, limits, or self-imposed restrictions … I will fly to new levels.”

 

Amazingly, as I inhaled the message of this book, every word seemed to embrace and reinforce my spiritual beliefs—beliefs about which I am deeply passionate today—beliefs which did not even register on my radar when I read the book some thirty years ago.

 

As I retired on Saturday evening, I soon learned that my lesson in surrender and courage was not yet over. My mind was guided to my favorite workbook lesson in “A Course In Miracles (ACIM).”

 

To make this synchronicity even more powerful, I need to provide a little context. ACIM is actually a combination of several books. One of the main elements is a “Workbook for Students” which contains 365 daily lessons. Among other things, these lessons provide a structured framework that helps a student gradually shift the way he or she looks at and perceives the world, reducing and/or eliminating fear-based emotions, replacing them with loving and peaceful perceptions.

 

In early January of this year, I began these lessons anew. For the most part, I had been very diligent in doing a new lesson almost every day. Shortly before my June flight to Cozumel, I reached lesson number 135—a lesson that had been my favorite ever since the first time I read it. But, for some unknown reason, I set the book down and never resumed. With four months having passed, my next lesson remained number 135. Throughout these four months I have felt in my heart, “Just wait … now is the time to practice living the concepts … you can pick up the book later.”

 

Saturday night the feeling came to me strongly—it is time to read lesson number 135. As I reread this powerful lesson, almost every word seemed to jump powerfully from the page into my heart.

 

Each word seemed to apply to me now, today, powerfully confronting my defensiveness, my resistance, and my fears—fears caused by panicked thoughts of traveling through Central America—fears caused by my ego’s unsatisfied need for planning the future. I digested each word and phrase very slowly. Frequently, my eyes burst into tears as I contemplated and compared my debilitating fears to the comforting and faith-inducing words.

 

I won’t try to quote every meaningful phrase from this lesson, as I would have to quote nearly the entire five pages. However, two short passages jump out at me with a deep power.

 

Lesson 135, paragraph 11:

 

“A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to wisdom that is not its own. It waits until it has been taught what should be done, and then proceeds to do it. It does not depend upon itself for anything except its adequacy to fulfill the plans assigned to it.”

 

This first quote reminds me to surrender to the inspirations that flow through me rather than trying to plan my own path, attempting to rely on my own strength and knowledge. With my limited experience and resources, how could I possibly know the path best for me?

 

My personal knowledge is based entirely on past experience. I choose to follow inspiration that flows from absolute divine wisdom.

 

Lesson 135, paragraph 18

 

“What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?”

 

The second quote brings deep peace to my heart. Clearly etched in my soul is the knowledge that every seemingly insurmountable obstacle in my life has subsequently brought great blessings, growth, strength, and wisdom. Loving perception is the key. As I see life through the eyes of love and forgiveness, I am filled with deep gratitude for every event in my journey, easily recognizing that each obstacle has indeed been for my good. Why would I doubt that the future of following heart promptings will not be the same?

 

While contemplating my very near future, my ego-self still resists, remaining cautious, anxious, and very much in fear.

 

Simultaneously, my heart is mostly at peace. I know that as long as I remain spiritually centered, there is absolutely nothing to fear—no matter where my promptings may lead me.

 

Internal promptings tell me that a phased in compromise is likely in store—a compromise that will help me to appease my ego-self in gradual baby steps.

 

Most likely, beginning in November, I will launch out into the Yucatan peninsula and southern Mexico, traveling, exploring, growing, experiencing, and facing my fears. During these adventures, I may take a brief excursion or two into Belize and Guatemala—always knowing that I can turn around and leave at any moment.

 

With heart and inspiration guiding me every step of the way, I will build confidence, trust, and courage. As my heart expands, I envision my ego fears gradually melting away into nothingness. If my feelings guide me further south, I will follow. If they take me elsewhere, I will listen. If I do travel through Central America, and if something “scary” were to happen, I trust that my spiritual guides will see me through such an experience with love and peace.

 

With nineteen days to go, I remain open and willing to consider any internal prompting that flows through my heart. Something tells me I will indeed be pushing through the limits of my fears.

 

Loving Resolution to Confusing Feelings

 

Awkward would be a very accurate way to describe my feelings as Miguel and I arrived at his home this evening. I struggle with finding the words to describe the delicate balance beam I walked while lovingly striving to preserve the dignity of a beautiful man.

 

Even after the countless times that I emphasized to Miguel that we are “just friends,” he has never seemed to fully grasp nor believe my solid resolve. Most every time we have talked, he has continued to share his loving desires and caring feelings with me, expressing his deep longing for our relationship to progress beyond my imposed limits.

 

It was precisely for this reason that I have always told Miguel, “No, I won’t come to your house.”

 

Today, when the word “Yes” actually came out of my mouth, I shocked even myself. I had no idea what to expect, but knew that difficult heart-to-heart words would need to be expressed this evening.

 

As I sat at his kitchen table, It did not take long for Miguel to begin pouring on his charm—leaving me with the difficult task of tightrope walking—attempting to firmly diffuse his expectations while attempting to salvage a friendship filled with love and dignity—and doing it all in a foreign language.

 

At times, the old me would have just stood up and walked away—several times in fact. But tonight, letting my heart do the speaking, I was finally able to make my feelings and intentions clear in a firm unbending manner, while at the same time remaining unconditionally loving with my dear friend.

 

For the first time in four months, I actually believe that we are on the same page—a loving healthy friendship with no ulterior expectations. The power of communicating from a place of unconditional love never ceases to amaze me.

 

Sharing My Truth

 

As I look back on this incredibly busy week, two experiences come to mind that are especially worthy of sharing.

 

Wednesday morning, after breakfast, I bumped into my friend Sheila in the parking lot of the Mega store. For two months, I have known that she is someone with whom I would eventually share my background—but the timing had never yet felt right. As Sheila and I talked briefly on the sidewalk, out of the blue, as if on autopilot, I followed a quick prompt in my heart and blurted out those fearful words.

 

I don’t know why disclosing this part of my past always creates such internal panic. Yes, I used to be terrified of rejection, being judged, criticized, and abandoned—but those fears have mostly evaporated for two reasons. First, my own healing path has brought me to a loving place where I am secure in the knowledge that my peace and happiness comes only from within—and second, after sharing my story with literally hundreds of people, not one, to my knowledge, has ever rejected me.

 

Even so, each time I share my story, I invariably swallow a huge lump of anxiety as the words escape from my lips, beyond my ability to call them back.

 

A huge smile formed within my soul as Sheila approached me at Friday evening game night, saying, “Brenda, I started reading your blog at the beginning, and I am loving it.” Then she followed up with a sincere request, “Please, whatever you do, wherever you go, please stay in touch with me.”

 

Even today, as I write these very words, Sheila is playing an important part in my own path. Just yesterday, she flew to Nicaragua for a three week stay at a Spanish Immersion school. Today is the beginning of her first-of-fifteen four-hour classes. Because of the example of her courage and inspiration, I envision myself doing something very similar, possibly attending the same classes in the very near future.

 

Thursday afternoon, I had my second “official” Bach Flower Therapy appointment with Eduardo. He is another friend with whom my heart has told me in no uncertain terms that I would soon be sharing my story. As usual, our one hour appointment turned into more than three hours of delightful conversation. After recapping my adventures in Mexico City, we talked about anything and everything spiritual. At one point Eduardo told me “Brenda, I would love to read your blog. I searched for you on Google last night, but could not find it. Can you give me the address?”

 

After gladly sharing the website, my heart instantly confirmed that now was the time to take yet another risk. Five minutes later, I had summarized my entire story—my lifelong struggle of learning to love and accept myself.

 

Of course Eduardo’s response was incredibly loving and accepting. I knew it would be. There was never any doubt—yet the anxious lump in my throat was still present as I shared those liberating words. When he asked for permission to share my story with his wife, I encouraged him to please do so. The last thing I want is for anyone else to feel burdened with carrying my secrets.

 

I have no way of predicting the future, but I do know one thing with absolute certainty. The incredible friendships I am establishing on this journey will not end when I leave Cozumel in just a few weeks. Each beautiful friendship will forever be with me in my heart, traveling with me wherever I may be guided. And who knows how many paths may yet cross again in the future?

 

I would love to end today’s writing with a poem written by my dear friend Joni—a friend who has also found the courage deep within herself to live her own personal truth. Thank you, Joni, for writing such beautiful words. I hope you are OK with me quoting them here.

 

Title Unknown …

… by Joni Weiss

 

Be who you are – authentically!

Love yourself – dearly!

Be good to yourself – truly!

Be your own very best friend.

Embrace yourself.

Embrace life – your life!

Be wholly who you are.

You are love itself.

Be THAT love!

 

 

Copyright © 2009 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved