The local residents call it a “Norte,” referring to the cool north winds. Finding it difficult to believe that I could actually feel cold in Cozumel, I am wearing a light sweat shirt, long jeans, and hiking shoes, remaining warm and cozy as I relax quietly on my front balcony, early on this overcast Sunday afternoon.
Even though the temperature is actually a warm and pleasant 75 degrees, the gusting (up to 25 mph) winds and 70% humidity play games with my perceptions, tricking my body into believing the temperature must be closer to 60 degrees.
Today is a guilt-free lazy day. While working my way through four loads of long-overdue laundry, I have utilized my morning hours to reconnect with a few dear friends on the phone. At this very moment, Jeanette and Lori are hiking Ensign Peak in Salt Lake City. Closing my eyes, I can feel their loving energy as they enjoy a spectacular view on this beautiful autumn afternoon. As I visualize the two of them, I can feel the three of us together, laughing and giggling as we share the incredible communion with nature and spirit. I deeply miss my all of my friends, yet I know I am exactly where my heart needs me to be.
My imagination drifts to a warm mug of hot chocolate, topped with a handful of mini-marshmallows. I would run to the store right now to purchase some chocolate, but my heart urges me, “Just stay home, relax, enjoy this peaceful day.”
Even as the immersion into my unknown travels rapidly approaches, I continue to ignore any temptation to begin planning. Gentle peace reassures me to remain focused on the moment, as my internal voices continue to whisper, “Stay present … there is still plenty of time to prepare.”
With wonderful internal peace leading the way, yesterday evolved into a magical example of present moment living.
Flowing Through Time
Saturday morning, as I pushed my trusty mountain bike through my front gate, only two plans were certain.
Both appointments were the result of acting on previous feelings. I would make a 9:00 a.m. stop at Eduardo’s home to give him some digital photos, after which I would catch a 3:00 p.m. ferry to meet with Rafael in Playa Del Carmen.
No amount of planning could have filled in the gaps as beautifully as they unfolded throughout the day.
After copying my photos onto Eduardo’s computer, I soon found myself dining on delicious brownies and a piece of banana bread while Eduardo officially introduced me to his beautiful wife and youngest son. This incredible young man is so cute and outgoing. He begins to proudly retrieve things to show me, such as drawings, bead work, and toys that he loves.
After a while, Eduardo asks if I have time for a conversation in his “roof-office.’”
“Of course I do,” I eagerly reply. Minutes later we are sitting on wooden benches, in the shade, under a small thatch roof covering above the roof of Eduardo’s beautiful home.
“Brenda, I would like to repeat all of the stories I told you earlier about Regina.” He begins.” Now that you have been to Mexico City and are familiar with the locations, I want to help you remember the details, and teach you even more about Regina’s short life.”
Eagerly, like a sponge, I listen intently while Eduardo passionately retells the stories. His pupils are alive with energy, as if a spiritual fire is energetically dancing in his dark brown eyes.
The stories flow non-stop from Eduardo’s lips—registering deeply in my heart, singing to my soul. As our conversation begins to wind down, we are both shocked to notice that my short visit has mysteriously turned into almost four hours.
Then the conversation shifts.
“You have deeply inspired me,” Eduardo begins as he looks deeply into my eyes. “Meeting you, having these discussions, and reading your blog, has helped to reawaken a spiritual passion in me—helping me to once again connect with my heart, opening my mind to new growth, new ways of thinking.”
“No, it is you who have inspired me.” I begin to respond.
By now, joyful emotions are running deep. I notice tears in the corners of Eduardo’s eyes, and feel similar wet patches forming in my own.
“You have taught me so much,” I continue, “opening your heart and soul to me as you share your spiritual passions. It is I who am deeply grateful to you.”
“Brenda,” Eduardo resumes, “prior to you, I haven’t had anyone on the island—other than my wife that is—with whom I could discuss these issues. My own daughters won’t even listen to me. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, you appear. It has been such a blessing to get to know you.”
“Tomorrow, because of your example,” he continues, “my wife and I are going to ride our bicycles around the island. We are going to follow your journey, beginning by riding across to the east side at 5:00 a.m., then building a fire on the beach before sunrise.”
I smile as I remember my own energizing experience, just barely over five weeks ago. My heart swells with joy as I ponder how my deepening friendship with Eduardo has inspired us both.
After a huge gratitude-filled bear hug, I have just enough time to run home and re-pack my bag, before grabbing some lunch and catching my ferry.
A little feeling says “It is going to rain.”
Another feeling responds “Don’t bother grabbing an umbrella … I want to get wet.”
Loving The Ending
After disembarking from the ferry in Playa Del Carmen, my watch reveals that I have almost two hours to fill before my scheduled meeting with Rafael. Less than ten minutes later, I find myself exploring the north end of Playa Del Carmen, enjoying music on my IPOD while pedaling around newly discovered streets near the beach. These streets are not paved; the nearby homes are very small and humble.
As I maneuver my bicycle around ruts and puddles, I look into the eyes of occasional passers-by. What I see amazes me—every set of eyes seems to glow with love, reflecting my feelings right back at me.
An unfamiliar song plays through my squishy pink earphones. I have never heard this one before, but the words, captivate me, intrigue me, beg me to listen again, and again, and again, and again.
For the next hour, I ride to the beautiful words. My colorful Caribbean surroundings seem to fade away as my attention focuses inward. The song’s chorus powerfully resonates with my soul.
Close your eyes
This part is scary
Take my hand
It won’t last long
You will love the ending I promise
When this part of the story is gone
Beautiful memories flood my consciousness. I imagine my divine source singing this song to me; I feel the incredible peace in knowing that I have an all-powerful hand to hold.
Every one of my past fears seems to take a turn at parading through my consciousness—reminding me of all the times in my life when I was near paralysis, terrified to take another step forward.
With each memory, my thoughts fast forward to the always incredible endings. Deep gratitude overwhelms me as I realize that, without fail, each frightening experiences has always brought amazing growth, spiritual deepening, emotional freedom, and confidence. Best of all, each fearful trek has blessed me with opportunities to learn and to experience unconditional love.
My mind soon wanders to very recent fears regarding the unknown journeys that lie ahead. I begin to laugh as I feel a deep inner excitement about the many amazing adventures awaiting me in my path. Absolute confidence soothes my soul as I ponder “Yes, I will definitely face fears, but the endings will be fabulous.”
Then a more pressing fear momentarily registers. Tonight, if the opportunity presents itself, I would like to share my story with Rafael. I cannot imagine the possibility of him rejecting me—yet the reality of this thought momentarily stabs itself into the heart of my awareness.
Suddenly, the clouds burst open, rain begins to pour down in torrents. I am more than a mile from Rafael’s restaurant, and I am supposed to meet him soon.
For more than twenty minutes, I hide out under the awnings of a newly constructed building, hoping to wait out the storm. Looking at my watch, I nervously wait as the minutes tick away. I glance upward at the sky; the grey clouds are solid and dark, not showing promise of any breaks in the near future.
Then I remember my morning thoughts of “Don’t bother grabbing an umbrella … I want to get wet.”
Throwing abandon to the wind, I push my bicycle out into the rain, and casually ride toward Rafael’s restaurant. When I finally splish splosh dripping wet through the small restaurant’s glass doors, a large smile surrounds my grinning teeth. The waiter disappears into the back room, returning moments later with a token handful of napkins with which to dry myself.
The evening proceeds almost as planned. Rafael had organized a small discussion group to talk about the teachings of his “Maestro Hercules.” Three of us participate—but I mostly observe and practice listening skills. Sylvia, the other participant, does not speak English. Trying to pick out random words in her conversations with Rafael proves to be a challenging learning experience.
Finally the meeting is over, I am alone with Rafael, and I ask if we can talk outside the earshot of people in the restaurant who might speak English.
“There are things about my life, my background that I like to share with my friends.” I begin.
“I don’t tell everyone that I meet,” I continue, “but when I get close to someone, I want them to know. I long for the freedom to be able to be my real genuine self.”
A feeling of fear and panic begins to consume me.
“Remember, I will love the ending.” I silently remind myself.
I begin to beat around the bush, trying to find subsequent words to say to Rafael.
“Why is this always so difficult?” I ask him … not really sure if that was a question or a statement … knowing he has no idea where I am going with the conversation.
Finally, I just blurt out the statement “I was born as a little boy”, following which I launch into a fifteen minute summary of my life struggles and healing journeys.
Rafael’s face is unnervingly blank, not showing emotion of any kind. I am not sure what he is thinking or feeling, but I continue with my story just the same. Something inside pushes me to tell him everything.
“What if he actually does reject me?” I wonder quietly.
“That doesn’t matter … what matters is being true to my self … my heart.” I silently banter back.
Relief floods through my soul as Rafael’s countenance finally begins to smile. His words are loving and reassuring. His choice of words tells me that he understands everything. His comments reflect deep compassion for the fears I have faced and a powerful awareness of the deep spiritual insights that have come as a result of facing those fears.
A meaningful conversation ensues, lasting for forty-five minutes, only ending because of time constraints.
As Rafael and I exchange a huge hug, I hop on my bicycle, riding out into a peaceful clear night. My whole being is alive with peaceful energy.
I Can Do This
Moments after my 10:00 p.m. island transport leaves the dock, I feel the small ferry lurch violently from side to side as it forcefully bounces up and down.
“Wow the waves are strong tonight.” I silently exclaim, as I look around at the other passengers to take in their reactions. Several of us break out laughing as our eyes connect at the same time a huge wave thrusts us down and to the left.
Soon, the violent rocking motions begin to weigh heavily on my stomach. Even as I write, I physically feel faint memories of that nausea.
As I glance around the cabin of my ferry, I note that laughs have gradually been replaced with pale sickly expressions. Many people are bending forward. One young woman fans fresh air into the face of her mother.
Then I hear the sounds of another woman doing what I am trying so hard to resist. Looking back a few rows, over on the right side of the boat, an elderly woman cradles a waste basket in front of her mouth as she struggles to retain her dignity, no longer able to hold down her dinner.
“I can do this” I anxiously encourage myself. “I know I can do this … I will love the ending.”
I retrieve my IPOD and listen to my “song of the day” over and over, closing my eyes, encouraging myself, imagining the ferry reaching Cozumel with my dinner still being where it belongs.
After forty-five minutes of swaying, jostling, rocking, bouncing, tossing, and lurching to-and-fro, our ferry finally slows to a bouncing crawl before finally coming to a complete up-and-down stop at the dock. As the ferry door swings open, I can at last see what is really happening outside.
Fierce winds are blowing, and torrential rains stream through the air at an almost sideways angle. Passengers ahead of me seem to be in no hurry to leave the dry warmth of the cabin.
One by one the people pause by the door before scampering out into the downpour. As I watch from the door, shirts that were once dry become instantly saturated, even before reaching the bottom of the boarding ramp.
Giggles fill my soul as I take my turn, running out into the torrents. In a sheltered waiting area, I watch patiently, waiting nearly thirty minutes for a crew member to finally retrieve my waterlogged bicycle from the front cargo area of the ferry. Ten minutes later I am home, grinning as I dry off for the second time at the end of a beautiful day.
Close Your Eyes
As I close my eyes and ponder the amazing energetic flow of my day yesterday, I am grateful for the influence and clarity of a beautiful song—a song that will forever have a special place in my heart—a song carrying an incredible message for anyone facing fears.
I must confess—my copy of the song was “borrowed” from a friend, and as I listened yesterday, I had no clue as to the actual title or performing artist. After a detailed internet search I have since discovered that the beautiful song is titled “Close Your Eyes.” It comes from an album titled “Father and Son” released by Michael McLean and Jeff McLean.
If you want to listen along, I found the following web site that lets you download the MP3 for free.
http://hbronner.org/Music19/MichaelBallam/Close_Your_Eyes.mp3
Following are the incredible words to this song.
Michael and Jeff McLean
Album: Father and Son
We popped the corn before we left
We had no cash to spare
His cousin ran that old drive-in show
So daddy took us there
And when the film would frighten me
He held me on his knee
And said we’ll get through this together somehow
And whispered tenderly
[Chorus]
Close your eyes
This part is scary
Take my hand
It won’t last long
You will love the ending I promise
When this part of the story is gone
That drive-in show closed years ago
It’s long since overgrown
My car can barely drive through the weeds
To park there all alone
The movie of my life’s become
More than I can face
And I’m looking for answers in places he taught me
To not be afraid to have faith
[Chorus]
Close your eyes
This part is scary
Take my hand
It won’t last long
You will love the ending I promise
When this part of the story is gone
For love cannot be defeated
Just like the sun it will rise
And things will look so much clearer
If you’ll stop
And close your eyes
Take my hand
You will love the ending I promise
When this part of the story is gone
Even though it might look hopeless
You will see
That love wins the prize
And fears disappear
And you’ll see much clearer
If you’ll just close your eyes
Perhaps he was saying
It’s easier praying
If you’ll close your eyes
Close your eyes
Somehow, my fears seem to simply disappear whenever I follow the counsel of this beautiful song. I close my eyes, take the hand of my divinity, and center myself in surrender, faith, and trust. When I open my eyes again, the scary part seems to magically melt away—and the best part is that the endings are always spectacular.
Copyright © 2009 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved