Brenda's Bicycles

 
Emotions run deep, a mixture of happy and sad ones.

My peaceful little wooden bench, nestled in the plaza among the beautiful flowering trees, has become a sacred space, a hideaway of sorts, sheltering me from both sun and rain, showering me in its powerful energy. The smiling faces of hardworking groundskeepers, the singing of birds, the cooing of pigeons, the cautious explorations of colorful lizards, the gorgeous flowers, the Aztec dancers, the beautiful and delightful mixture of people who pass by every day—every element of this now-holy ground will be deeply missed. 

Tuesday evening, I strolled down to the plaza intending to read, but once I arrived, all I could do was sit and listen to music. While reminiscing and observing the plaza, unexpected tears began to stream down my cheeks as my heart swelled with overwhelming gratitude and joy for my experiences in Cozumel. 

A sad, nostalgic part of me says “I don’t want to leave.” The incredible peaceful energy of this place has intertwined its roots throughout my soul. In a very real way, I feel as if I have lived in Cozumel for a many years, while at the same time, four months ago feels like yesterday.

Indeed, my spiritual and physical journey of these short months has been a deeply sacred experience, one that has changed my life forever, one which I feel propelling me forward into yet-unimagined new growth and opportunity.

In past writing, I have barely scratched the surface in sharing life events and spiritual promptings that have guided me to be here in Cozumel, right now, today. There are so many experiences I have wanted to share, yet so little time and space to share them. 

With your permission, I would like today to share two other sacred experiences that have guided my life deeply, building my courage and my faith. These experiences are precious to me. The second is so special that I have only, as of yet, shared it with a few people in the past—but my heart tells that now is the time to share the story with you.

I’m not really sure of the purpose for sharing these stories today, but I hope they resonate with your heart as they have with mine.

A Passionate Mission

The setting was Donut Falls, a beautiful cascade of fresh mountain waters, nestled among the Aspens and Pines up one of the many rugged canyons near Salt Lake City. The season was early Summer, 2004, just two weeks after I had completed a four day intensive healing therapy workshop—a workshop in which I learned to feel love and forgiveness toward myself—where I began to recognize and to accept my inner beauty for what it really is.

I was in the early stages of beginning to clearly see that I am—we all are—of divine origin, and that pure unconditional love is the universal language of God.

On a beautiful Sunday morning, the final day of the workshop, my group of new friends hiked together up a small trail in Big Cottonwood Canyon, seeking out the energy of a cool rushing stream, towering pine trees, blue skies, fresh air, and nature’s peaceful silence. For a few inspiring hours, we engaged in a symbolic mini vision quest, during which each of us wrote own personal mission statement.

As the workshop came to a beautiful conclusion, my soul remained restless, not fully satisfied with the words I had written. From deep inside my heart, the feeling surged with passionate clarity, “Brenda, you need to dedicate a day in the mountains—a day in which you will allow Spirit to rewrite this mission statement—forming a statement that will guide you in powerful ways.”

Two weeks later, I honored that divine guidance, returning to the mountains to write a sacred mission statement that continues to bless my life to this very day.

I can still feel the cool moist spray on my cheeks as I sat in the refreshing shade under a small tree just downstream from the base of the splashing cascades of Donut Falls. The morning air was fresh and crisp, the sounds of the rumbling waters vibrated with the energy of my soul. This seemed the perfect place to petition for guidance—to ask the universe to fill me with words that would inspire and carry my life forward to new heights.

The inspiration flowed smoothly from my pen as tears of gratitude simultaneously streamed down the sides of my reddening cheeks. The message revived my soul, awakening spiritual energies and passions that I was not even aware existed. A few gratitude-filled hours later, a feeling of completion settled through my soul as I began memorizing the words—words which were already beginning to work their magic in my soul.

These words are very sacred to me. They were given to me through divine guidance, and continue to inspire me each and every time I meditate on them. As I repeat these powerful words in my heart, I see them as a truth to which I strive to awaken. In my more centered moments they resonate with the aliveness in my soul. During moments when I begin to stray from Spirit, these words serve as a guide to help pull me back to that truth, to help me remember my true identity.

Personal Mission Statement
by Brenda Larsen 

I am a beautiful and courageous divine daughter of God, overflowing with unconditional love and acceptance of others.

 I will compose and perform the special music I hear in my own heart, creating a safe and loving environment where others feel inspired and empowered to discover and to perform their own beautiful music.

 Together, we can, and we will, create symphonies.

 
The words above are not the exact words that I wrote on that beautiful day at Donut Falls. Originally I began the first sentence with “I am a beautiful and courageous special-edition woman,” In June of 2004, I was still early in my healing path, just beginning to recognize my special nature. 

For many years I had felt defective, feeling like a misfit between two worlds. My breakthrough in self-love came as I finally recognized that I was indeed an incredible special-edition woman. A lifetime of struggle and healing had blessed me with profound insights and wisdom, teaching me about human suffering, unconditional love, and having the courage to follow my heart. All these experiences also gifted me with incredible insights and understanding regarding both genders.

After a few years of deep spiritual growth and strengthening my connection with God, my heart confirmed that the time had come to step my words up a notch, to embrace my true Divine origin. While the old words had indeed served their purpose, they no longer resonated with my soul. At that time, I changed the words from “special-edition woman” to “divine daughter of God.”

If you will indulge me, I would love the opportunity to dissect my mission statement—to explain the precious and powerful impact these words continue to have in my life on a daily basis.

“I am a beautiful …” – Prior to my healing, seeing myself as beautiful was an impossibility. Throughout my life, I saw myself as an ugly freak of nature. I hated my body, especially my face. While I had learned to tolerate and accept my appearance, believing myself to be beautiful was but an unreachable fantasy.

When I scribed these words into my mission statement, I was just beginning to embrace the possibility—to actually believe “I am beautiful”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking narcissistic, ego driven self-image here. I am talking about the divine beauty in each of our souls. I do find it amazing, however, that the more I embrace my own inner beauty, the more that beauty seems to reflect itself back to me in the physical mirror as well. Even more amazing is that I see this same beauty in everyone around me.

“… and courageous …” – Major fears—deep existential fears—seemed to have a solid foothold throughout most of my life. There were countless times in my life where the fears were so intense that taking another step in any direction seemed hopeless, even pointless. My soul was dying, and no matter which way I stepped I knew that someone I loved would get hurt. Finding the courage to be true to my own heart was the most difficult thing I ever did.

Having this word in my mission statement has reinforced my ability to remain courageous in the face of continuing life challenges and situations. When I am spiritually centered and connected to my divine source, these words inspire me to defy fear, to blindly and boldly follow my heart wherever it may lead.

“… Divine daughter of God, …” – It took me a while to have the courage to add this statement to my mission statement. “What will others think of me if I have the audacity to make such a claim?” I thought to myself. After all, there was a large gap in my life where I did not even believe in God.

Embracing my individual divinity—and the divinity of each one of us—has been perhaps the most life changing element of my path. Having this statement in my oft-repeated mission statement is a constant reminder of who I really am. These words have fueled and reinforced my spiritual path.

“… overflowing with unconditional love and acceptance of others.” – In the summer of 2004, my mission to learn about unconditional love was still in its infancy. At the time, I was just beginning to explore what it means to love unconditionally, and I had never even heard of “A Course In Miracles,” yet my heart already surged with the energetic awareness that the key to my future peace and happiness depended on developing my capacity to love others.

Throughout recent years, this self-definition has been a constant barometer against which I gauge my spiritual growth and progress. Whenever I begin to feel even the slightest bit of judgment (toward myself or others), my mission statement floods into my memory and reminds me that I am off track—off purpose—I am not being unconditionally loving. With each step forward, my ability to love continues to grow and deepen.

Daily life events seem to continually remind me that learning to love unconditionally is a life-long process—a treasure hunt that never ends. There are always more treasures to find. I am grateful for frequent events and emotions that spur me forward in this continued growth

“I will compose and perform the special music that I hear in my own heart, …” – There is a wonderful little book that will forever hold a special place in my heart. In his book “Ten Secrets for Success and Inner Peace,” Wayne Dyer beautifully outlines ten simple and pure spiritual concepts that, if embraced and followed, will lead to a life of love and inner peace. I fell in love with this little book as it quickly took on scripture status in my soul.

The second beautiful concept in Wayne Dyer’s book explains that each one of us has our own uniquely inspired inner music (or life purpose) that is longing to find its way to the surface. In most of us, this inspired purpose is buried deeply, overpowered by the many voices of the world. If the music does begin to surface, all too often we squash it down because the promptings seem impractical, or even frightening.

In a beautiful way, Dr. Dyer encourages us to find and to embrace this beautiful inner music—our inspired purpose—and to not die with it still un-played inside of us.

As I scribed these powerful words in my mission statement, my heart cried out for me to be infinitely flexible, to not place any definitions, limits, or boundaries on my inner music. What my words do is to embrace the dynamic and inspired nature of my inner passions. I invited the universe to flow through me, to help me hear and feel the spiritual music. Then, in an act of faith, I committed to compose and perform whatever inspired music finds its way into my heart.

This simple phrase has been my lighthouse, guiding me across rocky transitions, ever encouraging me to listen to my inner voices, propelling me forward around each bend in my current journey.

“… creating a safe and loving environment where others feel inspired and empowered to discover and to perform their own beautiful music.” – I dated a man once (about eight years ago), who with all of the good intentions of his heart, had made it his life mission to fix others—to point out their issues and to assist them to move through those issues. While I admired his intent, his approach and method only served to push me away as he elevated himself to the role of ‘healed expert’ and at the same time lowered me to the role of ‘unhealed student needing his help.’

My heart cried out, “I want to make a difference in the world—but I will never, ever, presume to know someone else’s answer for them—nor will I ever presume to place myself above or below them.”

As these words flowed into my mission statement, they touched my heart deeply. I knew that “Yes, my job is merely to hold a safe loving space in which I am an open, loving, and genuine person—an environment where others can find the courage to look into their own heart, becoming inspired and empowered to discover their own inner music.”

This part of my mission statement continues to play a key role in my path of growth.

“Together, we can, and we will, create symphonies.” – This sentence in my mission statement was an inspired afterthought. Amazement would be an inadequate word to describe how these words have powerfully changed my world. As I have sought to honor my own inner music, I have literally found myself surrounded by inspired and empowered friends who are doing the same. As we each play our own version of beautiful music, my world is indeed beginning to sound like a beautiful symphony.

As the last five years of my life have unfolded, my mission statement has been a key inspiration in keeping me on track, and helping me stay spiritually grounded and centered. Countless times, I have repeatedly recited these inspired words while in the mountains or on the beach. Many times, these words have brought me to tears as I reconnected with the divine energies of my inspired purpose. It was these beautiful words that touched me so deeply during my last energizing bicycle ride around the island in September.

Magical Meditation Energy

A loud crashing noise awakened me from a deep sleep. The startling noise was so unusual, so unexpected, that I was immediately jolted into a state of high alert.

My heart skipped a beat or two as I imagined the worst, “Someone is in my home.”

After having lived alone for over eleven years, this was the first time I had ever really felt bodily fear at home. Somehow I found the courage to loudly call out, “I’m grabbing my phone and calling the police.”

But before actually making the call, a confident feeling caused me to begin gradually turning on lights while listening for more sounds. Room by room, I slowly searched my home, carefully opening every door, looking into every closet, under every bed, behind every piece of furniture.

Having no plan as to what I would do if I actually found someone, I simply continued searching. The doors and windows were all locked; there were no signs of forced entry, no unusual sounds, and no warm bodies hiding anywhere.

Being wide awake, yet still very tired, I cautiously returned to my bedroom, wondering if I would be able to return to a restful sleep—wondering if I really wanted to go back to sleep. A quick glance at my clock, followed by a few quick mental calculations, led me to deduce that the loud crashing noise had happened around 3:00 a.m.

By 3:30, the lights in my house were once again dark, and I was back between my sheets, lying flat on my back, staring wide-eyed at the pale ceiling.

“Try meditating.” The thought came out of nowhere, powerful and strong.

“OK,” I agreed, “I’ll give it a try.”

With my eyes closed, I allowed my mind to drift while attempting to visualize—a skill I have never quite developed, even to this very day. But in this attempt, I soon began to see little speckles of light, like tiny stars twinkling in the backdrop of a pitch black sky.

Suddenly, after some undetermined amount of time, a face appeared in the midst of the twinkling stars, an odd looking, not quite human face—but a distinguishable face, just the same. Almost immediately, the visual sensation was accompanied by an incredible energy, the likes of which I have never experienced either before or since.

Within moments, my body was consumed by this surging energy, rushing from the top of my head to the bottom of my spine, up and down my back with indescribable intensity.

My body was physically vibrating from the power of the energy. I felt as if a huge freight train—or perhaps a lightning bolt—were raging through my body. I could even hear the energy, which emanated a loud roaring rumbling sound, as if I were standing at the base of Niagara Falls.

To be totally truthful, I was momentarily terrified, being literally frightened by the seemingly unstoppable power of the surging flow.

Then, a feeling of peace drifted into my consciousness. Somehow I realized that I was experiencing some type of spiritual energy, more powerful than I had ever imagined possible—something I can only speculate as being similar to what Buddhists refer to as an experience of Kundalini energy.

At some unknown time interval, my consciousness reached a point of wanting to hold on to the energy, to go deeper into my experience. Almost immediately, the mysterious energy stopped, vanishing into the same place from which it had arisen.

In total amazement, I lay on my bed, pondering what had just happened. I had no words to describe what I was feeling. The experience was not especially mystical. I felt no sense of magical oneness with the universe, no melding with surrounding elements. The sensation was totally a physical one.

Several times I tried to re-enter the space, each time feeling as if I were close, but never quite achieving my goal.

Then a strong awareness gently comforted me. “This was just a taste of what is to come … of what is possible.” The feeling began. “This was a gift … it was not something you created … nor will you be able to return to this energy on your own … just be patient and use this experience as a powerful glimpse into possibilities and future growth.”

Soon I drifted back into a sound and restful sleep, without ever thinking to look again at my clock. I have often wondered how long I was immersed in the energy—it could have been seconds, it could have been hours—I honestly do not know. What I do know is how surprised I was in the morning when I walked across the upstairs hallway and stepped into my computer room.

As I sat down at my keyboard to check morning emails, I noticed a suitcase on the floor in the middle of the room.

The closet in my computer room had two clothes rods, a high one and a low one. Two weeks earlier, after returning from a nearly-silent three day individual retreat of spiritual soul searching, I had unpacked my suitcase and placed it in the back of this closet. The front of this suitcase was securely leaning on top of the lower clothes rod. The back of the suitcase was several inches lower, supported securely in the back. The suitcase was solid and secure in its position, not teetering or balanced in any way, having remained there for two weeks.

Somehow, at 3:00 a.m., something lifted that suitcase from its secure position on the rod, tossing it onto the ground in the middle of my room, and awakening me from a deep sleep.

Skeptics may speculate that there really might have been an intruder in my house who accidentally bumped the suitcase during a botched robbery—but why were there absolutely no sounds after the suitcase fell?

My heart knows the answer, and needs no proof. Some unidentified spiritual force intentionally woke me up in a powerful way that I could never deny or rationalize away. Then, once I was awake and back in bed, the universe blessed me with the powerful energy experience—an experience so intense that I could never deny or minimize it.

These memories are so powerful that I remember them as if they happened yesterday.

But in fact, this magical and mysterious energy experience happened almost two years ago, only a week before my first trip to Cozumel. With hindsight, I can clearly connect the powerful events that have begun awakening me and pushing me forward on my current journey. There is no doubt that this experience some twenty-three months ago was connected to other spiritual events, preparing me for this return trip to Cozumel and my subsequent growth path.

While I have never quite achieved the same energy through meditation, I can honestly say that I have not spent much time in attempting to reproduce the experience either. My heart is clear in remembering the feelings that followed the first experience. I know that when the time is right, I will be blessed with whatever I need to continue my growth.

Several times in the past two years, I have been the recipient of an incredibly pleasurable milder version of this energy while lying peacefully in a state of meditation. Quite often, I feel a faint hint of the same energy when I recognize deep spiritual promptings.

A firm sense of peace lets me know that I have no need to pursue this energy. I know that my real growth will come from internal perceptual shifts, and in strengthening my ability to love unconditionally. I feel quite content to let the energy find me whenever I am ready to receive it … and I am excited by the anticipation of what may one day return to my realm of experience.

Copyright © 2009 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved