When I was younger, I believed myself to be loving and non-judgmental. Today, as I look back on those earlier years with the benefit of present wisdom and understanding, I see an entirely different picture. Yes, I practiced ‘tolerance of others’ during my teens and twenties, but in many ways I was as self-righteous and judgmental as they come.
For the most part, my judgment was silent, smugly hidden behind a closed mind. I saw everyone else as separate from me—not quite as good as me. I quietly measured their behavior against my self-imposed perfectionist ideals, silently berating them, dismissing them as weak sinners if they did not measure up. I was striving for perfection, and expected that everyone else should do the same.
Ironically, the biggest target of my judgment was none other than me—myself. As I helplessly struggled with my transgender feelings, always feeling dirty, lost and alone, I condemned myself as being the scum of the earth, perverted and evil, being highly intolerant of what I perceived as horrifying unwanted imperfections within myself.
It was not until my early thirties, as I began to humbly accept the fact that my deeply ingrained transgender feelings were not going away—and that I needed to somehow understand and integrate those feelings into my life—that I began my major shifts with non-judgment.
“How could I ever expect anyone to love and accept me for who I am if I harbor any judgment at all toward them?” I sincerely asked myself.
And how I desperately longed for such unconditional love and acceptance from others during those excruciatingly difficult years!
During my thirties and early forties, I achieved great strides in the race to learn to love myself and others. But again, as I reflect back on those confusing years, I easily recognize that I had barely left the starting gates.
Six years ago, doubling-down on my commitment to learn about unconditional love was the most lucrative bet I ever made in my life. With each lesson in love, the payoffs continue to grow—the joy and peace continue to deepen and strengthen.
With every year that passes I continue to reflect back on incredible growth, only to realize that my quest is still in its infancy. The more I learn, the more I recognize how little I actually know. The amazing beauty of each lesson pulls me forward as I anxiously and eagerly seek out my next one.
For several weeks now, I have been reflecting very deeply on my most recent lessons about unconditional love, lessons I have learned right here in Cozumel. But in order to talk about those lessons, I first need to lay some framework on the subject of privilege.
Implicit Privilege
I hesitate to continue writing. I want to be very clear in my intentions with the next few paragraphs. By bringing up this topic, my only desire is to lay a framework on which to discuss my own personal healing insights about learning to love unconditionally.
It is my belief that all true change is internal, happening only within our own minds. I am not interested in pushing external social reform, or taking sides in any political debates—but I would love to be responsible for helping to inspire others to consider making their own internal mind shifts—shifting fearful and judgmental thoughts by replacing them with feelings of unconditional love and understanding. The world becomes a beautiful place when we can lovingly see everyone as our divine equals.
Early in my latest university studies, I participated in a course where we discussed multicultural issues as they related to counseling. During the classes I gained invaluable insights helping me to recognize that in some very subtle ways, throughout my life, I have been judgmental and insensitive to the feelings and experiences of others.
One evening in class we discussed a topic that my professor referred to as “White Privilege.” With deep genuine reflection, I came to realize that all of my life I have indeed enjoyed the subtle blessings that implicitly come with growing up white—blessings that I had never thought about or recognized. Certain opportunities and status were implicitly granted to me simply because I was born with a certain skin color. As I imagined walking in the shoes of others, I began to recognize my subtle judgments, and the daily uphill battle that many people face in their journey of simply striving to be treated as an equal.
As I pondered more about privilege, I began to extrapolate the concept to other areas. The first simple example that came to mind was “tall privilege.” It was my experience that tall men seemed to have a tendency to get more visibility and respect. Being short, I often felt as if I were somewhat invisible, and frequently overlooked. It seemed that just to stay even with others, I had to be smarter and work harder.
When I physically transformed into Brenda some thirteen years ago, I was fully aware that my implicit male privileges would be downgraded considerably as I outwardly expressed my female self. Don’t get me wrong—I was treated wonderfully by my employer—yet the usual stereotypes seemed unstoppable. I found it difficult yet fascinating to experience first hand how gender and transgender labels directly affected the way friends and coworkers related to me—even though the real and genuine me inside had never changed at all.
I honestly don’t believe that any of these unspoken privileges are intentionally given to one class of people while being consciously withheld from another. On the contrary, I believe that the whole process stems from an unconscious process focused on instinctual self-preservation and maintaining the status quo.
Those who have been blessed with the power and the privileges are usually clueless about their implicit status, while those without the privilege often struggle beyond the point of deep frustration in their attempts to simply be treated as equals.
I was certainly oblivious to my own privileged status during most of my life. Along with my “cluelessness” came a certain sense of judgment and smugness that others should just quit whining and work as hard as I had worked. If I had not lost many of those same privileges myself, I may have never been capable of recognizing that such privileges even exist.
A few weeks ago I experienced deep emotions of sadness as I read a few comments on a social web site. The sentiment of what I read was that a few people blessed with great medical insurance coverage were looking down on and judging others, who for no fault of their own were unable to acquire affordable coverage. The attitude expressed was almost “gee, it sucks to be you … I’m sorry you are struggling and can’t get insurance … but don’t mess with me and my coverage … it’s your problem … you just have to suck it up and deal with it.”
Interestingly, the same insensitive comments could have been made by me just a few years back. Today, I have now reached a point in my life where I can no longer purchase affordable coverage for myself. I am grateful that, after losing yet another privilege, I am finally blessed with the ability to see this issue from multiple viewpoints.
Remember, I am not endorsing any political position here—rather I am endorsing love and understanding. No matter which side of the healthcare debate you embrace, please, remember that the people on the other side are divine beings who deserve our love and understanding.
Another hot topic that tugs deeply at my emotions is that of the basic human equality of my beautiful gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered friends. I recently read an online newspaper report discussing a gay rights issue, following which I scanned through hundreds of reader comments. As I muddled through many of the hateful comments, I struggled to maintain the peaceful role of loving observer. The irony of it all is that just over twenty years ago, I might have been one of the people spouting all of the judgment and condemnation.
I now realize that I was blessed with many implicit societal privileges prior to my own coming out. Along with those privileges came the smug and subtle judgment toward others who were not like me. Perhaps the most humbling thing I ever did was remove myself from that privileged status and openly admit that I am one of the people toward whom my own judgment was formerly directed.
Such hidden threads of subtle privilege intertwine themselves throughout all areas of society in areas such as economic class, sexual orientation, gender, marital/divorce status, employment status, occupation, physical appearance, disabilities, educational levels, religious affiliation, spiritual beliefs, immigration status, languages spoken (or not spoken), weight status (obesity), and age status (elderly).
Throughout much of my life, I have been clueless as to the privileges I have experienced in most of these areas. In very subtle ways, my religious and social upbringing left me believing I had an elevated status—I was led to believe that I belonged to a chosen people living in a chosen land—I was actually taught that I was separate and had an elevated status in God’s eyes.
Today, I shudder as I write those words because I recognize them for the absolute self-righteous lies that they are. Much of my spiritual journey of the last few years—my journey into learning unconditional love—has been all about undoing these old belief systems.
My experiences in Cozumel have been a huge blessing and catalyst in helping me to continue this undoing process.
The Beauty of Sight
After several conversations with Rafael in December of 2007, I struggled to overcome an insidious form of prideful judgment. In those deeply spiritual conversations of two years ago, I noticed that Rafael was presuming to be my teacher. My ego wanted to resist, saying things like “I should be his teacher … he is young … he is Mexican … what can he have to teach me?”
I will be forever grateful that, rather than listen to my ego-filled head, I paid attention to my heart as it resonated very clearly with, “Listen to Rafael … assume a listening and learning role … let him teach you.”
Humbling myself to the role of student, both then and now, was a powerful thing. By so doing, I began to tear down the very subtle privileges and prejudices that still entangled their way through my consciousness. These past four months have brought incredible growth as I have uncovered many old judgments and replaced them with unconditional love.
I’m not saying that national pride is a good or a bad thing. Let’s just say that in my case, my sense of lifelong patriotism had unknowingly evolved into a self-righteous form of near-arrogance.
When Eduardo first told me the stories of Regina, I listened with great interest, but initially thought it quite absurd for him to tell me that a worldwide spiritual awakening could ever begin in Mexico. My sense of smug national arrogance was so entrenched that I found it presumptuous that a “less-advanced” country such as Mexico could claim to be the origin of such a movement.
As I have examined and challenged my former beliefs, I realized that my initial reaction was just the tip of the iceberg—an iceberg covered with ugly attitudes of national superiority. After stripping my pride and humbling myself, I opened my heart and mind to the recognition that anything is possible—that no nation or people has any lock whatsoever on spirituality or love.
And just what really defines “advanced?” Many of my experiences in Cozumel have led me to completely reconsider my definitions.
Through my journey this year, my former sense of “national privilege” has been replaced with a deep sense of healthy love for both the USA and for Mexico. It is amazing how easily old judgment melts away when confronted with a genuinely open and loving mind.
Perhaps my most incredible gift of sight has come as I have learned to love individual people. One by one, stereotypes and sense of privilege have been torn down and replaced with pure love.
I have been blown away by the level of education and intelligence of people like Eduardo, Rafael, Rafael’s teacher, Michiko, Miguel, and Arturo. I will forever remember with deep gratitude the many conversations discussing topics such as philosophy, spirituality, history, world geography, and language. While each of my new friends has gone through vastly differing journeys, they are my equals in every imaginable way. Many subtle prejudices needed to melt away from my heart in order for me to arrive at this destination of love.
Another interesting prejudice that I seem to have been working on is one of gender. Prior to my trip to Cozumel, all of my close friends were female. Amazingly enough, here in Cozumel, my deepest spiritual connections are with male friends.
One of my biggest opportunities to learn love has been in my interactions with the more humble people. Back in the USA, if I had run across a four-foot-tall dark-skinned Mayan woman with wrinkled skin and a toothless grin, the old me would most likely have reacted with very subtle assumptions and judgment. I might have completely overlooked her innate worth, judging her as illiterate and having nothing of importance to share with me.
Now, as a result of my time in Cozumel, I look on such a woman with incredible love. I am fascinated by the life she must have lived. I wonder what stories she could tell about the people and events that have touched her life. I wish I had the opportunity to sit down with her to understand her spiritual beliefs and traditions, her likes and dislikes, her hobbies, her loves and her struggles.
Yes, such a beautiful woman is every bit my equal. I will be eternally grateful for the beautiful gift of sight that has blessed me with the ability to begin seeing people like her more clearly.
The Lenses of Judgment
Judgment is indeed very ironic. We are taught by caretakers that judgment is a good thing—that it helps us to function and to survive in this world. Using judgment and experience we lump everything into categories of good and bad, significant and insignificant, worthy and unworthy—then we tend to superficially dismiss anything in our path that does not match our good labels.
Each judgment, prejudice, and attitude of privilege that we embrace, knowingly or unknowingly, clouds our vision like a thin colored filter placed over our eyes. With every filter, our vision becomes increasingly clouded, and we feel progressively more separate and detached from the world around us.
It is only through finding the courage to challenge our beliefs that we begin to tear down these visual filters. As each filter is peeled away—as unconditional love begins to shine through our eyes and into our hearts—a completely new way of seeing begins to gradually reveal itself.
Yes, as I look to future journeys, my purpose is very clear. My primary goal is to continue developing my capacity to give and to receive unconditional love. The view along my path grows increasingly more beautiful as, one by one, I learn to identify and remove yet another filter that clouds my vision.
Copyright © 2009 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved