The hour is 10:30 p.m., and I unexpectedly find myself sitting on my roof. I was in bed, trying to sleep, but something made me come up here instead. It is about 75 degrees, with only 84% humidity—a relatively cool night considering that the last several nights have all been in the mid 95% humidity range. But the weather is not what I am here to write about … nor will I be writing about the beautiful cloudless sky with its clear, twinkling stars. I am here to talk about the deep gratitude that is flowing through my veins, coursing throughout my entire being like the very blood that gives me life.
Exactly two weeks ago, at this very hour, I was in a room that is sacred to me, surrounded by beautiful loving friends, sharing in an evening of powerful unconditional love. At this very moment, I am physically alone, yet I am again emotionally in that same sacred space, surrounded by that same incredible love. In my path, I have learned that love has no limits and knows no boundaries. When surrounded by unconditional love, a type of oneness exists that cannot be contained by buildings, oceans, or continents.
The last few days have been physically difficult, but I totally know that they were meant to be. In addition to my sunburn (which by the way is already beginning to heal), I have consumed four Imodium AD tablets in a currently successful effort to control a persistently recurring bout with intestinal upsets. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t change a thing. My inner soul tells me that everything has a purpose—that everything helps to strip away my ego—teaching me who I really am.
In this moment, I am closer to “who I really am” than I remember being in a very long time. Who I am is not what I do for a living, how much money I have, where I live, how many children I have, nor what language I speak. It has nothing to do with the color of my skin, the type of food I eat, what church I attend, whether I am male or female, the type of shoes I wear, or even how I tie those shoes. Those are all things we either inherited from our parents—or that we learned from our primary caretakers—but none of those things define who we are.
Who I am runs so much deeper than any of this surface stuff. Just like you, I am of divine origin, created in the very embodiment of divine unconditional love, the same unconditional love that is flowing through my veins in this very moment.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not trying to push my belief system onto anyone, nor am I clueless about the thousands of belief systems (or non-belief systems) of this world we live in. I am simply attempting to describe my own personal experience with divinity.
I was raised in a very devout and loving Mormon home, and in spite of the guilt and shame that I internalized throughout my youth, I cherished my religious upbringing. In my late twenties, as my transgender struggles completely overpowered my life, I began to question my spiritual upbringing, and by age 32 I had completely destroyed all beliefs that any type of being called “God” even existed. I literally spent the next ten years of my life as a self-professed atheist.
At age 42, after transitioning to my new and happier self, I went through a spiritual awakening. At first, this path led me back to my Mormon roots, until at age 46 those roots were ripped out of the ground and thrown into the fires of despair. Having my roots violently ripped out from under me was one of the greatest blessings I have ever been given, because the subsequent healing process has brought me into a spiritual connection with God that I never before believed to be possible. If you are uncomfortable with the word “God”, then please substitute the word Universe, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, or whatever name speaks to you.
I am no longer a religious soul, but I consider myself to be deeply spiritual. I don’t follow any one spiritual path; I actually follow many. When I hear something that dances with my soul, I listen to it, and I pursue it with my very being. Truth is truth, no matter who teaches it. Our inner soul—the very essence of who we “really” are—is capable of recognizing that truth—or perhaps I should actually use the words “remembering that truth”.
If you’re interested in knowing about my own personal path, my favorite spiritual study is a self-study book called “A Course In Miracles.” This book literally sings to my soul—but I am also deeply moved by many teachings of traditional Christianity, Zen Buddhism, Science of Mind, and other teachers such as Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, Adyashanti, and Greg Braden. Like I say, I listen to anything that awakens a memory deep within. Our soul already knows the truth—we have simply covered up that truth with all of the voices of the world.
And this takes us full circle back to the way we eat, the clothes we wear, the way we tie our shoes, our beliefs about jobs and money, and ad infinitum. If we honestly think about it, all of these things were taught to us by well meaning parents, teachers, caretakers, spiritual leaders, and others in society who truly had our best interest at heart. They were merely trying to teach us “the way things are done,” and “how to survive in this world.” What they didn’t realize is that they were also unintentionally teaching us how to forget who we really are.
As young children, we were innocent, pure, joyful, forgiving, unconditionally loving, trusting, and most of all we lived in the moment. We didn’t think much about tomorrow … we lived in the here and now … today. As we humans mature into adults, we tend to invariably get trapped into the many belief systems of the world, and we lose touch with our inner being. We forget who we really are and get lost in a world of “dog eat dog” and “survival of the fittest.” We forget that true happiness comes from returning to our child like state of innocence, where we live in the here and now, simply loving everyone and trusting the universal flow around us.
And again, this takes me full circle to why I am filled with such incredible peace and gratitude on this beautiful clear night, sitting in a cool breeze on my rooftop in Cozumel. I honestly do not know why I am here, but I know that my soul is calling out for me to learn to live in the moment and to unlearn all of the voices of the world. I know that living in an unfamiliar place and culture helps me do just that, and I trust my inner soul to guide me down whatever path I need to experience to help me in this undoing process.
Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? I would have thought so myself just a few short years ago—but I now realize that what I am doing is probably the most sane thing I have ever done in my entire life. I am on a quest to find the real me—the me that lives underneath all of those voices that were given to me by others—the me that remembers who I really am—the me that recognizes that what really matters in life has nothing to do with the possessions I left behind.
Yes, I am on a quest to reconnect with my own soul—to wake up and listen to the voices from deep within—voices that already know what I am attempting to rediscover. Perhaps you have been wondering about these mysterious little “Jedi Master” voices that I keep referring to. In the last few years I have come to realize that these are really the voices of my own soul, calling out for me to listen as they attempt to guide me on my journey of awakening.
The incredible love I feel tonight is accompanied by deep joy, peace, and a sense of trust. I know that this roller coaster ride called “life” cannot harm “the real me” in any way, and I am already standing in line, anxiously waiting to see where the next ride will take me.
© Brenda Larsen, 2009