This week has continued to be a little bit “physically off”. Yes, I expected to feel somewhat under the weather after examining my post-snorkeling bright red skin on Tuesday evening. Having been traumatized from the heat and sun exposure, my body’s built-in magical healing energies were focused on my skin. The rest of me just needed my permission to slow down. My body was crying out for me to stop and rest.
It never ceases to amaze me at how the body is so capable of healing itself—even when my mind gets in the way—and believe me when I say that my mind has been continuously trying to do just that.
“You should be feeling better! Something is wrong with you when you just lie around and relax! You’re a lazy bum! You have important things to be doing!” are just a few of the insane voices that my ego mind likes to throw into the mix as I attempt to slow down my hurried pace.
While such “voices” may have been gifted to me by others at one point or another in my life, they now continue to play on autopilot from within. I am the one continuing to beat myself up with these irrational beliefs.
I spent the majority of my life trapped in my left-brain thinking. How could I not be left brained when I spent 29 years as a computer software engineer—and everything was about achievement, logic, planning, control, analyzing, simplifying, and systemizing?
As I shift to a more right-brained focus, old habits, thought patterns, and belief systems are trying to protect themselves by hiding out in the darker corners of my mind—but one-by-one I am exposing them, shining my spotlight onto them, and then releasing them. It feels so freeing to release yet another voice that is no longer meaningful or useful.
I had to laugh this morning as I opened my emails. My very intuitive friend Trish sends out a little weekly spiritual message. Before clicking on it, my own intuition screamed out “Pay attention to this one, it will be just for me!” I was amazed when I read what it said:
“You are trapped by no one’s beliefs save your own.
Challenge your beliefs about yourself and this world by going within.
Play in the realms of your soul for it is there that you will
experience all that you are.”
-Archangel Michael
Wow, talk about being perfect! This is essentially a map for the very path I am eagerly following. As I rested, I engaged in some meditation, explored a few realms in my soul, and discovered a few examples of how my beliefs have been keeping me trapped.
Dirty Business
On my third day in Cozumel it suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea what I was supposed to do with the garbage that was accumulating in my kitchen waste basket. I noticed a couple of white 55-gallon barrels across the street, with the word “Comex” printed in large black letters on each on them—but they appeared to be for the apartment building across the street.
“How can two barrels suffice for all those people?” I pondered, “And where is my barrel? When do I put it out on the street? Where do I put it?” The unanswered questions were beginning to pile up.
After a few more days, I realized that I had observed a garbage truck drive by on several occasions. After finally putting the puzzle pieces together, I came up with the desired answers. I learned that all of my neighbors share these two trash cans, which are emptied frequently, at least once per day. I am amazed at how well this local system works—the cans across the street are rarely full.
The idea of having an “individual trash can, with a weekly pickup schedule” was so ingrained in my old belief system, that anything different was inconceivable. The obvious was right in front of me, but I could not figure it out because I had other expectations—expectations that dictated that garbage pickup should be done the way it had always been done in my known world.
Neighbor Nuisances
During my first week here, I noticed that the base of the banana tree in my entry way was littered with a large assortment of empty soda bottles. Knowing they didn’t come from me, I could only assume they came from the neighbors downstairs. While they don’t have a key to my front gates, they do share the patio area by accessing it from inside the rear of their own home.
“No problem,” I thought. Proceeding to gather the bottles into trash bags, I subsequently dumped them into the cans across the street. Then I planted the seeds of a “judgmental” thought when I told myself “I sure hope they don’t keep doing this.”
Two days ago, I noticed a large black garbage bag, filled to the brim with empty two-liter soda bottles, placed on the inside of my front gate area. Next to the garbage bag was a blue tub containing four our five grocery bags full of household trash.
“Why did they leave these here?” I silently inquired while feeling a twinge of judgment. “They don’t even have a key to these front gates.” “If they are storing this to throw out later, they should do it in their own space back there, not in mine!” “When they throw it out, they’ll have to take it back through their own house anyway.” “Why didn’t they just take it out to the cans instead of cluttering up my space?” “If they expect me to empty this for them, they have another thing coming.”
I began to build up quite a little feeling of resentment and judgment, my own little made up story, and was ready to send off an email to my property manager if the garbage didn’t magically disappear in a day or two.
This morning, as I meditated on Trish’s message, I began to chuckle as I realized what I was doing. Again, my own belief system about how things are ‘supposed to be done’ was clogging up my internal peace, causing me to stew in frustration and judgment.
Immediately, I asked myself one of my favorite “A Course in Miracles” questions, namely “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”
“Of course,” I answered, “I would rather be happy.” As soon as I was done meditating, I slipped into my sandals, skipped down the stairs, unlocked my gate, and lovingly carried that garbage across the street—placing it into the two Comex barrels.
No I am not a doormat—and if the behavior continues, I will probably say something to the property manager. But if I do say something, I will do it with a feeling of love and peace. I refuse to feel judgmental, frustrated, angry, or resentful. Love is such a simple decision—and yes, it is a decision. I laugh at how many times in the past I would have let something such as this disturb my own internal peace, often for extended periods of time. I feel so incredibly free simply by letting go of judgment and replacing the feeling with love.
Releasing Pride
You probably picked up on my attitude towards Berto when I first wrote about him, saying he was the “last person I wanted to run into.” Even though I long since released my major judgment and resentment towards Berto, I am obviously still carrying around some residual opinions about him.
“He behaved badly in 2007,” was my excuse, “He made me feel like an object, and I want nothing to do with him. I won’t ask him for any help.”
Yeah, I still had a little bit of an attitude. Again, thanks to my meditation this morning, it became very clear to me that the time has come to let go of my lingering beliefs regarding Berto—namely my resentment and my pride. After all, I am on a personal mission to learn to love everyone unconditionally … and yes … this actually includes Berto too. I can interact with him in a genuinely friendly, caring, unconditionally loving way—without needing to become his best friend. I’ll keep you informed of any future encounters.
Do Drink the Water
One of the first things we always hear before coming to Mexico is “Don’t drink the water.” I was paranoid about the same thing during my first visit here, and was obsessively protective about the fluids that passed through my lips.
What I have learned is that no one in Cozumel drinks the tap water (well I can’t absolutely guarantee that ‘no one’ drinks it). Bottled water is distributed inexpensively, throughout the city, in large 50 liter water bottles. I purchased my first refill last week for only 17 pesos (less that $1.40 US). If you go to a restaurant and order a glass of ice water, both the water and the ice are from these purified water bottles. Be careful if you must, but I have chosen to trust the restaurants, and have had no reason to believe otherwise.
Friend Updates
Little by little, I am happy to report that I am gradually building relationships with a handful of people. I still smile when I remember how people asked “Do you have any friends in Cozumel?” and my answer was simply, “Not yet, but I will.”
Berto and I have not crossed paths since the time last week that we pretended not to see each other in the Mega store. I expect this might change now that I am releasing some of my attitude.
I bumped into Jose, the computer salesman in the Mega store, one more time. We talked a little bit longer, and he again mentioned something about coming to visit me. This time I pursued the conversation a little more exactly, trying to better understand if he was talking about a specific date and time. Finally, he replied in a blush … “No, no … not tomorrow … just one day in the future … I am very busy here working.” I think I finally figured out that he was just being friendly and had no intention of visiting me. I’m improving in the language, but still quite the novice. When a native speaker takes off at full speed, I can pick up a few words, but much of what they say goes right past me.
I made two new friends early last week: “Roger and Agi”. Roger is originally from the Check Republic, and Agi is from Poland. They met while the two of them lived in Key West, Florida. After four years in the United States, their visas expired, and they were required to leave the country. About a year ago they opened a small Sport’s Bar, about a half block from the plaza. I met Roger one afternoon when he was running by to deliver lunch specials to locals who can’t leave their shops. Eager to drum up business, Roger stopped to chat with me for a minute. Since that day, I have frequently eaten lunch at their bar. Both Roger and Agi have been very helpful, and speak excellent English.
Dena is another friendship that is just beginning. Originally from Southern California, she moved to Cozumel 28 years ago, and has made it her home ever since. She has a very prominent information booth on the main road near the plaza. I have thoroughly enjoyed our few conversations, and anticipate many more.
Last week, while walking near the plaza, Julie called out to me, mistaking me for the ‘furniture lady’. We began talking, and within a few minutes she was telling me about a group of American women that meet for breakfast every Wednesday morning. Julie has sent me several emails, and I hope to meet her breakfast bunch on one of these first Wednesdays.
Arturo and Margaret, from the property management company, have also been a great help this week. Arturo was so incredibly sweet in helping me with my bicycle problems on Wednesday. It is very nice to know that I have people watching out for me.
Last, but not least, who could forget about Carlos, who swept me off my feet with his Salsa dancing last Saturday evening? He was such a sweet man and a talented dancer—and I had so much fun learning the basic steps. Carlos practically begged me to say “Yes, I will meet you Sunday evening at 8:00” so that we could dance some more. As agreed, I was there, enjoying the evening of people watching. For two hours I sat there on the short wall, immersed in the experience, practicing the salsa steps with my toes on the concrete walk in front of me. But alas, there was no Carlos. It appears that he stood me up. Being Father’s Day, I’m guessing something else came up. I still suspect our paths will yet cross again—perhaps even this evening. I love Sunday nights at the plaza.
Rumbling Energy
After taking a break to walk down to the plaza for lunch, I now find myself finishing my writing for the day while sitting under the shelter of the beautiful gazebo in the town plaza. A large thunderstorm just finished rumbling through while I was enjoying my enchiladas verdes con pollo. Accompanying the energy-filled lightning and thunder was a huge downpour of refreshing summer rains—the largest I have witnessed in my 14 days on the island.
Now, as rapidly as they arrived, the refreshing rains have subsided, leaving considerable evidence in the form of puddles, mini-rivers, and shop-keepers using squeegees to push the wet remains out of their stores.
A small dog, with the name “Lola” on her name tag, temporarily occupies the gazebo space with me—but then she rolls over, stretches, and sets out on another adventure of her own. A lone bird momentarily spreads its wings and shakes off some of the moisture that still appears to saturate its drenched body—then flies gracefully to the next tree.
The air is filled with the incredible scents that linger after such a drenching. I love the odors, the energy in the air, and the feeling of aliveness that always accompanies the rebirth from such a storm. I have the intuitive feeling that my own rebirth is also in progress, and I say “bring it on.”
© Brenda Larsen, 2009