Brenda's Bicycles

 

Deep self-reflection has been my constant companion ever since last week. “Just what led up to my emotional meltdown on Thursday? Why was I so vulnerable? What might I learn about myself from the entire experience?”

 

During my focused inquiry, I have shined the searchlight in many different directions, exploring possible external causes, but the beam of light always ends up shining right back at me. Yes, the cause lies completely within. I have sufficient insight to realize that nothing outside of me has the power to hijack my emotional stability—unless, of course, I relinquish that power.

 

So just what have I discovered about myself? What little tidbits of clarity can I record that perhaps might prove useful in future situations?

 

For starters, I was tired. For twelve days, my life had been consumed with a continuous stream of emotional events. For much of that time, my sleep had been interrupted, night after night.

 

Being around birth family also takes its toll. As I sat with my brother and sisters, planning Mom’s funeral, I found myself drifting back to childhood roles and behaviors. For brief moments, I began to slip into past insecurities, self-doubt, and guilt. Glimpses of these old emotions attempted to resurrect themselves—feelings that I had believed to have been fully healed and resolved. Apparently, a few minor cuts and bruises still remain—giving me additional opportunities for growth. 

 

Then we have my relationship with my own precious children. After my divorce and transition, almost thirteen long years ago, I was buried under huge mountains of guilt and regret. No, I have never regretted going through my life transitions—but I experienced deep sadness in knowing that my changes resulted in so much stress and awkwardness in my children’s lives. No, I have never felt guilty regarding my surgeries, but I once suffered extreme guilt over how my journey has impacted the lives of those that I love.

 

To this very day, I have a deep spiritual confirmation that my path was necessary, and inspired. I could never have gone through the growth and deepening of my soul without having followed the promptings of my heart. And yes, even if I had somehow managed to not kill myself by now, I would have been a miserable shell of a human being had I not faced my debilitating fears and followed my heart into the unknown that is now the present.

 

My family may vehemently disagree, but I also believe their lives have been blessed. While the path has not been easy for anyone, they too have learned lessons that would have otherwise gone unlearned. It is my deep conviction that all suffering and struggle is accompanied by hidden treasures if we but look for them.

 

Five years ago, after having felt deeply wounded by family, I reached an incredible breakthrough in my emotional healing. One of my children had excluded me from participation in an important life event, and I was consumed in a cloud of emotional devastation and victimization. In the midst of trying to process and lick my wounds, I had a life-changing epiphany. Through a series of beautiful little spiritual synchronicities, the powerful message profoundly flowed into my awareness.

 

“Do the right thing … do it for the right reasons … and expect nothing in return.”

 

This powerful insight settled deeply into my heart, bringing about a complete internal shift, a total shift in awareness that brought immediate results.  “My only function,” I reflected, “is to love my children with unconditional love.” I continued my pondering with, “In all of my interactions with my children, I need simply come from that unconditional place, simply loving them because it is the right thing to do—doing everything from that same pure space.”

 

It was the final insight, however, that was most profound. “I cannot base my behavior on expectations of any kind. Unconditional love expects nothing back. If love is accompanied by an expectation, then that love is conditional.” I realized that no matter how my children respond to me, I simply need to love them.

 

As I pondered, another thought became equally obvious, “Having expectations is what sets me up for further pain.”

 

From that moment forward, I radiated a completely different energy with my children, and I began to observe and sense immediate positive results in the way they responded to me. As I practiced loving without expectations, I noticed that they were treating me with more love and respect as well. Perhaps they changed—or maybe it was just my internal perception of them that changed—but I loved how I was feeling.

 

Yes, of course there were still vulnerable times when I built up expectations, and as a result was blindsided by hurt feelings. However, once I healed through them, I simply used each of those events to stimulate additional shifting and healing of my own attitudes and perceptions.

 

This past week, in the midst of family interactions, I now recognize that I began to subtly “wish for” and “desire” a closer relationship. At a very unconscious level, I placed hidden expectations on outside behaviors and events. While talking lovingly with my son on Thursday morning, I was primed and ready for my new lesson. As he explained his concerns, my exhaustion, guilt, and hidden desires began to surface. Past feelings started rising from the depths—feelings of needing validation, being misjudged and wishing things could be different, feelings of “If only they would change, I could be happier.”

 

Believe it or not, I am deeply grateful for having gone through this growth experience. I recognize that the entire experience was an inner journey. No one else did anything. I was reacting to my own internal stories, responding to the trauma/drama of thoughts, emotions, and memories that had gradually resurfaced during the week. I am also grateful for how I handled my pain. Rather than lashing out at my son or inlaws, I remained calm and loving. I stood in the river, allowed the emotion to flow through me, and then healed myself by again reconnecting with my spiritual source.

 

Symphonic Voices

 

As I reflect on the profound synchronicities of my short journey back to Utah, I am amazed at the incredible timing of it all. Something I have not previously mentioned is that three days before learning that my Mom was rapidly declining, my dear friends Lori and Jeanette were in the final stages of planning to visit me here in Cozumel. They had intended to purchase tickets on Saturday. As I talked to Lori, she filled me in “Brenda, I don’t know why, but I just don’t feel good about buying tickets today. I have a strong feeling that I should wait until Monday.”

 

Lori later revealed several stories of how she and Jeanette had been puzzled by little experiences that seemed to be discouraging them from flying to Cozumel. On Monday, I again talked to Lori, only to learn that she felt prompted to wait a little longer. The ticket prices had gone up by $100—and something just didn’t feel right to her.

 

An hour later, my brother called me for the first time to tell me that my mother was declining rapidly—that death may not be far away.

 

Immediately after ending the call with my brother, I dialed Lori’s number. We had an amazing conversation, the kind that creates goose-bumps and spine-shivers, as I told her why she was not supposed to fly to Cozumel on July 14^th. “I’m supposed to be in Utah for my Mom’s funeral,” I explained to her. “I’m not sure I would have been back to Cozumel by the 14^th. You might have been down here by yourselves.”

 

Then Lori felt inspired to tell me about an event that “might” happen in Utah from July 16^th through the 19^th. My therapist friend Paul was tentatively looking at that weekend for one of his powerful healing workshops. A strong sense of ‘knowing’ inside told me, “You need to be in Utah for that weekend.” At the same time, I somehow knew that the therapy workshop would probably not happen, but I remained firm in my recognition that I should stay until the 20^th.

 

I overflow with gratitude at how I came to the realization that I should fly to Utah on July 4^th and remain until the 20^th—and I am amazed at how Jeanette and Lori’s voices contributed to that awareness. We all listened to the quiet feelings within. Each of us honored, communicated, and trusted those voices. The end result was indeed a symphony of harmonious spiritual music.

 

Just hours after purchasing my tickets, my Mother rallied. As I began to doubt myself, I kept returning to the thought “I know I was supposed to fly to Utah from the 4^th through the 20^th. I don’t know what to expect, but everything will turn out perfectly.”

 

Looking back on these event-filled 17 days, I cannot imagine a more perfect unfolding of inspiration. My mother rallied long enough for me to get home to have a few precious memories with her. Then, on the evening of her funeral, I was blown away with a beautiful spiritual experience as my mother-in-law took her own final breaths. After passing through another emotional growth experience, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend my mother-in-law’s funeral in southwestern Wyoming. My heart was full as I watched one of my sons share a beautiful life sketch of his beloved grandma, while another son provided beautiful piano music throughout the heartfelt gathering.

 

I could not have imagined a more fitting finale for my journey. One day later, on Sunday evening, I spent several hours reconnecting with my children and grandchildren as we celebrated the fourth birthday of one of my beautiful and precious granddaughters.

 

Gratitude and peace fill my soul as I reflect on the harmony of the beautiful symphonies of these past two weeks. I am overjoyed for having had the courage and faith to trust my feelings, to listen to those internal voices—both my own and those of my friends. Each beautiful experience reinforces my confidence to continue riding my bicycles into the unknown as I experience the future unfolding one precious moment at a time..

 

© Brenda Larsen, 2009