Brenda's Bicycles

Ever since my first week of participation in the Moon Course at Las Piramides del Ka, I have found myself immersed in a state of deep struggle regarding my blog.

This past year of adventure and spiritual growth has been amazingly beautiful, and I have been more than passionate about maintaining my writing at the highest level of my ability. In so many ways, writing has been the catalyst that has fueled my journey, helping me to solidify my internal healing in ways that would not have been possible in any other way.

For this reason, my decision to temporarily suspend writing during the second week of the Moon Course was an extremely difficult one to make. With all of my heart I wanted to continue my narratives – but at the same time my feelings were desperately crying out for me to fully immerse every second of my precious time into present moment experiences. Immediately after suspending my writing efforts, my heart peacefully confirmed that I had made the perfect decision.

As I finished the Moon Course and spent two weeks recovering from a potent stomach/intestinal bug, finding the strength and determination to resume my writing was a difficult endeavor. It required every ounce of willpower and energy that I could muster. Physical weakness had a way of draining both my resolve and my passion. It was only through sheer determination that I found the energy to bring my blog back up to date.

But it was not just the physical weakness – I was also dealing with the consequences of Tropical Storm Agatha. In an effort to find a place with functioning water and electricity, I moved to a hotel in the larger and less-devastated nearby town of San Pedro, where I spent nearly a week just trying to regain the ability to hold down a plate of white rice and a few bananas.

Several days after a few of the washed-out, mudslide-covered roads out of Lake Atitlan began to reopen – after I felt barely strong enough to travel – I ventured out on a tourist shuttle and set up a new temporary home in the city of Antigua. It was there where I finally found the physical and emotional strength to catch up my blog.

On June 10, my Guatemalan tourist visa expired. I had several options to choose from regarding how to renew my visa, but I felt a deep desire to briefly get away from Guatemala and to rejuvenate my energy by playing for a few days – so I opted to take a delightful trip to the state of Chiapas, Mexico.

After choosing a beautiful hotel in the mountain-top Mexican city of San Cristobal de las Casas, I gave myself much-deserved permission to spend four delightful days while simply being a tourist, freeing myself from all obligatory feelings to document the journey.

On June 15, I retraced my steps back to Guatemala and have since spent two full days in Xela – the same city where I studied Spanish for a week in April. While here, I have been working on final preparations to begin the Sun Course this coming Monday, June 21.

But at the same time, my internal struggle regarding my writing has resurfaced with a vengeance.

To Write or Not To Write

That is definitely the question.

Anxiety and stress have built up in my soul as I have wrestled with this deep dilemma, unable to come up with a satisfactory answer.

There is no doubt in my mind that not writing during my Moon Course was the perfect decision. Many beautiful experiences came my way that most likely would have been missed had I been focusing my energy on external communication.

There is also no doubt in my mind that during my upcoming three-month Sun Course, full immersion of my energies into this new experience will be every bit as critical. Excessive outside distractions will definitely have a limiting impact on my ability to achieve maximum internal growth.

But my heart cries out that I simply cannot go for three entire months without writing – my internal passions to communicate are far too strong to suppress.

I know I can’t write … yet I know I must write.

In the midst of this internal battle, writing has begun to feel like an unwanted obligation – something I subconsciously resent.

What to do?

The Gift Of Time

This afternoon, in a beautiful Skype conversation with my dear friend Susan in Arizona, she helped to guide and expose the answer from deep within my own heart.

My present stress comes from the fact that my current style of writing is extremely time consuming.

Up until now, I have been blessed with the luxury of time. If I spent eight amazing days in a Mayan village in southwestern Belize, I was then free to spend another eight energizing days simply immersing myself into the spirit of writing about those incredible experiences. There was no time-based stress as I allowed the words to flow effortlessly through my fingertips – no time-critical events going on around me in which I felt an internal drive to participate. I was free to fully immerse myself in the passion of writing.

Time For A Change

Even though I often feel as if the words are frequently being channeled through me rather than coming from my brain – the perfectionist in me is still not satisfied until my writing is completely polished.  A ten-page blog entry can easily take as many as eight to ten hours of dedicated effort. Up until now, my ego has insisted that everything I write has to be in a state where it could potentially be published – perfect grammar – no redundant words or phrases – painting a vivid emotional image with well placed adjectives and adverbs.

But during the Sun Course, I will have no such gift of “abundant spare time”.

While hashing through my emotions with Susan, the answer gradually became quite obvious.

“It is NOT time for me to stop writing again … It is time for me to change my writing style.”

Journal versus Finished Product

I have long maintained in my heart that I would be writing, even if I believed that no one else in the world was actually reading my words.

For me, my blog has literally become my journal, and my writing has been an incredibly effective means of rehashing my experiences in a meaningful manner that solidifies internal growth and personal insights.

Yet I have to admit that if I were simply writing a journal entry, I would spend far less time in doing so. In my private journal I would not concern myself in any way with the outside reader, I would not concern myself with a quest for literary perfection – I would not edit the wording of my thoughts based on what someone else might think – and I would simply record the songs of my heart in response to daily spiritual growth and experiences.

“What would happen if I were to simply write my blog as real Journal Entries?” I have repeatedly asked myself.

The answer is obvious. I would feel passionate about continued writing during my three-month Sun Course. I would make frequent posts without feeling any of the pressure associated with literary perfection. I could speak my heart – my truth – freely and openly without feeling obligation or stress. And I could do so with minimal time commitment, with minimal interruption to my activities in the Sun Course.

A New Commitment

So there you have it. In just four short days I will immerse myself in a three-month commitment to the Sun Course at Las Piramides del Ka.

My first commitment to myself is that I will focus my heart and soul into a full spirit-of-the-law immersion into present-moment living as the experiences of the Sun Course unfold around me.

My second commitment is that I will keep a detailed journal on my laptop regarding significant growth and insights. The writing may often be quite raw, and sometimes minimal and lacking in visual detail, but I will capture my emotional and spiritual experiences in a way that is meaningful to me.

My third commitment is that at periodic intervals – intervals that are yet unknown – I will publish these journal entries on my blog for anyone to read who cares to vicariously share in my growth and insights.

Yes, I feel as if I have finally found a balanced solution to which my heart can joyously sing.

I will write … and I will post … and I will do so as directed by the flowing passions in my heart.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved