Sun Spots: Episode 3
(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Sunday, June 27 – 7:30 p.m.
Today has been an interesting weather day. We had nearly 24 hours of non-stop medium-to-heavy rains starting early yesterday afternoon, and finally slowing down late this afternoon. As I checked the weather on the internet, it looks like we have been getting the bottom edge of Tropical Storm (now Tropical Depression) Alex as it entered Mexico from the Caribbean side, just north of Belize, and then headed northwest through the Yucatan towards the open waters of the Gulf of Mexico – where it will likely pick up wind speeds once again. Luckily, today’s rains here at Lake Atitlan were not strong enough to bring additional flooding to the nearby villages.
This evening, as I sit down to briefly write, my umbrella is finally drying out – as are my flip flops and my sweatshirt.
Everyday for meals, I have been eating oatmeal with fruit for breakfast, and then going to a random restaurant to buy a more filling and varied lunch meal. Finally, for dinner, I have been staying in my room – eating two peanut butter and honey sandwiches and a banana. But today, for some reason, my eating has been completely different. Instead of my normal routine, my timing was off, and I ended up devouring a very early lunch.
As 5:00 p.m. came and went, I was feeling quite hungry, and peanut butter sandwiches just did not sound sufficiently filling. As I considered restaurant options, I felt an internal pull to order a Caesar salad at one of the nicer restaurants in town – a restaurant called “Fé” (which means “Faith” in Spanish) – a restaurant at which I have rarely eaten.
Just after I seated myself by a nice warm fireplace, while still waiting for a menu, a lone man walked through the restaurant door. When the waitress came out with menus, she saw me already sitting and assumed that the man and I were together, placing both menus on my table.
I just smiled at the man and handed him his menu as he sat at a nearby table. But because of the brief contact (with perfect timing) we started talking to each other. I almost invited Lee to sit with me, but never quite felt the prompting to do so – but I most certainly would have said yes if he had invited me to sit with him at his table.
For most of the next hour, we conversed nonstop back and forth over a six foot distance, having a delightful conversation. Lee is 45 years old, from somewhere in Great Britain. He loves traveling, and recently decided to retire, sell his home, sell most of his belongings, put the rest in storage, and to begin traveling extensively. Sound familiar?
Lee plans to spend seven months in the San Marcos area before heading home to England for a month – after which he plans to travel somewhere else in the world for another seven months, continuing the pattern into the foreseeable future.
I don’t believe in coincidences. I have been quite happy with my normal routines, and would have been very content with a peanut butter sandwich tonight. I even had a little left-over pizza in the fridge hat I could have eaten – but internal hunches took me right to the place at just the exact moment when I could begin the foundation of yet another potential friendship.
Who knows? Our conversation tonight could be a one-time thing – but as I shook Lee’s hand, thanking him for a fun and inspiring chat, I mentioned that I will be surprised if we don’t bump into each other again since we will both be consistently eating out once a day in San Marcos for the foreseeable future.
It is so fun being completely unattached to all outcomes – simply being able to trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen exactly as it is should. Whether tonight was the beginning of a fun friendship or just a one-time discussion does not matter to me in the least. Unattached trust brings with it an incredible feeling of freedom – the freedom to simply be my genuine self.
Monday, June 28 – 7:00 p.m.
I had one of those dreams this morning – you know the kind – a vivid dream, filled with strange bizarre symbolism – the kind of dream that resonates in my heart as “this one is important – write it down – figure it out.”
Based on the age of my youngest son, the setting must have been about fifteen years ago – yet not all of the ages and circumstances line up in a coherent way.
The dream starts out with a strong sense of knowing in my heart that I have been assigned to play a role – to pretend to be my very old, hunched-over, grandmother – my mother’s mother. For some reason I do not question this assignment, and implicitly know that I am supposed to do it. It seems like my whole family has encouraged me to play the part – my former wife and my children all being in on the secret.
My strange assignment while pretending to be my grandmother is to go to church and to give a speech – staying in character and convincing everyone that I am her. It seems perfectly obvious to me that everyone is expecting my grandmother to give a very important speech – but for unknown reasons, she is unable to be there. (I was 18 years old when she passed away.) While in the midst of my dream, it only makes logical sense that I would fill in for her.
The next thing I know, I am climbing into a large grey passenger van, driven by one of the local church leaders. I am hunched over, wearing an outdated dress and a wig, acting old and frail – but feeling totally conspicuous. I feel incredibly awkward and it only seems obvious that I am doing a horrible job at this pretense. I am shocked that everyone around me seems totally convinced that I am my mother’s mother – treating me with love and respect. No one except me seems to be suspect anything is abnormal.
As we walk through the halls of the church and into the chapel, many people lovingly greet me. I continue to feel extremely obvious – out of place – totally confused as to why people really believe my awkward presentation.
While sitting in the front of the chapel, my spouse hands me the script for the speech that I am supposed to give. Up until this moment, I have not given a second thought to the words that I would say from behind the pulpit. As I look over the papers that were placed in my hands, I realize that I have not been given an organized speech at all. It is not a well-written talk that I can simply read and then sit down.
In my hand I hold a collection of articles and stories. I am suddenly aware that I need to study the articles and then summarize them, expounding on the hidden symbolism of things I know absolutely nothing about – having never seen the papers before this very moment.
“I can’t give this speech.” I frantically ponder to myself. “First of all, I don’t look or feel anything like my grandmother, and second of all, I am completely unprepared.”
“No one will think a second thought if my weak frail grandmother is suddenly too tired to give this speech.” I quickly plot as I lean over to my former wife, asking her if she will stand up and give the speech for me – telling the congregation that I am too tired to give the speech myself.
The next thing I remember, I get up and I leave the chapel, struggling to remain in character, still amazed that people believe I am who I am presenting to be. I can not pretend anymore. I feel as if trying to pretend to be my grandmother is tearing away at my insides.
Minutes later, I am sitting back in the front passenger seat of that same grey van, as someone from the church drives me home. I am so anxious to take off these clothes, to stop pretending to be something I am not.
But as I get home, my children are all hanging around, and I suddenly realize that they too believe that I am their great-grandmother – and I absolutely cannot let them in on the deception – they would feel so betrayed. (As I pondered these thoughts in the dream, it seemed strange that they would not know, because I thought they were in on the original decision for me to play the role in the first place.)
Nevertheless, I continue to play my arduous role, trying to pretend to be my mother’s mother. I remember vividly walking down a hallway between the kitchen and living room, and seeing a huge, very impressive fish aquarium. It had to be at least eight feet long and six feet tall – being around two feet deep. Inside the tank, in crystal clear water, a beautiful variety of large tropical fish were swimming gently, back and forth.
My former wife said something about needing to get rid of the fish tank, and my youngest son immediately jumped up, expressing his incredible love for the fish, insisting that we needed to keep them. As my young son was talking so cutely (he appeared to be about eight to ten years old in the dream), I found nothing strange when he reached his arm into the aquarium and began stroking the side of a beautiful blue angel fish.
(As I reflect back on that image, however, my son was very short and the top of the aquarium was at least four feet above his head. As far as I can tell, he was simply sticking his arm right through the glass itself.)
The next thing I remember, I am up on the roof, feeling exhausted from trying to play this strange role. As if it is the normal thing to do, I walk across the roof of the neighbor’s house, stopping at a small patio on the roof about three homes down the street. I feel as if I have found the perfect place to sit and hideout. As I am sitting, resting, feeling trapped and alone, a young girl comes up on the roof, recognizes her friends’ great-grandma, and begins to talk to me.
“Arrrgh” I think to myself. “I need some downtime – I need to stop having to play this role – I need to be allowed to be myself again.”
Saved by the bell, so to say, my former wife walks across the neighbors’ roofs and finds me, explaining to the young girl that I am old and tired, and that I need to come home to rest. Once home, I walk into a bathroom and look into a mirror. What I see is hideous. I look absolutely nothing like my grandmother. My short dark hair is showing around my ears, and my wig contains long, black curls that are not even remotely similar to my grandmother’s hair. I look very masculine, and am disgusted by what I see, wondering how people could possibly believe my fraudulent presentation.
Then the plot gets even weirder. The phone rings and it is Oprah on the other end, inviting me to be on her show. She is amazed by my life and wants me to be a guest. Just as she is telling me who the other expert guests will be, the line goes dead. Some children across the room have pulled out the phone line.
Immediately I feel a sense of devastation – experiencing emotion that seems to be from the perspective of my present-day self. I seem to have the benefit of all of my memories of my life struggles and my current spiritual growth path. I feel like I deserve this opportunity to be on the Oprah show. I have worked so hard to achieve my growth – having graduated from so many years of struggle.
A deep sense of gloom tells me that Oprah will not call me back, and that the opportunity has fizzled away.
In the midst of this emotion, I wake up and look at my clock. It is 5:55 a.m. on Monday morning, June 28, 2010.
As soon as I finish scribbling down the details of my dream, it is time to rush off to yoga class. I would love the opportunity to meditate on the dream – but that will have to wait. Throughout the day, I frequently think back about the strange events.
* * * * *
As I think about the dream later in the day, many of the parallels seem perfectly obvious. The dream seemed to take place at a period of my life where I was growing intensely weary from playing the role of husband and father. I was pretending to be someone on the outside that did not feel real. On the inside, I felt like a fraud, a fake, a circus clown – yet for some strange reason, everyone around me was utterly convinced of the authenticity of my pretense. The more I was expected to play that masculine role, the more I just wanted to run away and hide.
I find it quite odd that, in the dream, I was pretending to be my grandmother. Even though we lived hundreds of miles away, I felt very close to my mother’s mother. Strangely enough, my very psychic friend Trish even told me once that my mother’s mother and I were the exact same soul, reincarnated in different bodies. She told me it is not uncommon for the same soul to be in multiple incarnations at the same time. Now, I am not fully sure I believe that – yet I have no reason not to believe it either. I have really never had a personal confirmation either way.
But one thing is perfectly clear. The fact that the dream had me pretending to be someone else that I love dearly seems to more clearly illustrate the absurdity of the situation I found myself in just fifteen years ago. Even though I am and will always be my children’s father – on the inside I was no more a man than I was my own grandmother. It was all an act – trying to please everyone else.
The church part of the dream is easy to interpret – again taking me back to the fact that I tried so hard to fit into the Mormon belief system during my younger years. But by my early thirties I felt like a fish out of water. The speech I was supposed to give seems to be like my religious testimony. When it came time to address the congregation, the ideas in the papers in front of me were so confusing and foreign to me that I simply could not give the speech.
Intuition tells me that the fish tank part of the dream was merely inserted to give me a visual picture of my youngest son’s age – allowing me to place the supposed timeframe of events.
The Oprah part of the dream is also easy. I have long had a strong feeling that someday after my books are published that I will most likely be a guest on various talk shows. I do not like to publicly discuss those feelings, because they seem on the outside to be ego based. I have no attachment whatsoever to the idea – but nevertheless, I have fun manifesting the possibilities in my mind. Possibly, the fact that Oprah will soon cease her daily shows is related to the dropped call and my sense that she will not call me back.
But even with the obvious and simple conclusions to be drawn from this dream, I still felt as if there were some deeper hidden meaning buried in the symbolism.
Tonight, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation, I decided to spend our first thirty minutes of silent meditation focusing on the dream. About fifteen minutes into the meditation, tears began to stream down my cheeks as deeper meaning began to resonate powerfully in my soul.
As the tears slowly trickled, I reached a state of powerful and unmistakable internal knowing that all of my family (wife and children) were fully aware and supportive of the fact that their husband and father would eventually become Brenda. This was a decision that we had all made together before coming to this earth. It was a group decision that would force us all to face some very difficult, but powerful, growth lessons.
The reason I felt so puzzled in the latter part of the dream is that I intuitively knew that my children should already know that I was playing a role – in my heart I knew they were in on the plans, so why did I have to pretend around them? It made no sense.
Another healing took place in my heart tonight. Another lead brick of guilt was lifted from my backpack, melted and transformed by spiritual fires, leaving in its place the knowledge that my children are on their own incredible growth paths, and that I need feel no guilt over the fact that my life changes have brought them temporary obstacles to overcome. They chose these obstacles, and their growth will be (and already is) amazing.
As I prepare for bed, my heart is overflowing with love and joy. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings.
Tuesday, June 29 – 7:30 p.m.
I really love our little “Sun Course” pyramid temple. We entered it for the first time yesterday morning. We will have classes in this smaller temple every morning (except Sundays) at 8:30 a.m. – just after yoga. While this temple is much older, it has recently been refurbished inside. It is considerably smaller than the large pyramid temple where we do yoga, evening meditations, and where the Moon Course meets for classes.
Our small group of eight had our first Sun Course class with Chaty yesterday morning. She gave us lots of overview information about what we will be doing for the next three months. Today, our class was taught by Melanie. She normally teaches Saturday morning classes, but she and her family are going away for two months and Chaty wanted her to talk to us before she left. Melanie hosted a wonderful and inspiring discussion about her own personal experiences with the Sun Course, giving us a great deal of valuable advice about how to get the most out of our experience here at Las Piramides del Ka.
Melanie made it very clear that we should not compare our progress with that of anyone else. The Sun Course is always a very individual experience, and she emphasized that Spirit will basically work with us during our private meditations in exactly the way that we need, tailored in a way to meet us where we are at in our own individual path.
I came away from today’s discussion fully energized and spiritually alive. I am very excited to move forward with my yet-unknown growth experiences.
Shortly after class today, based on the fact that it was sunny for the first time in almost a week, I made a hasty decision to hop onto a boat and take a 40 minute ride over to Panajachel to run some errands – bank, shopping, etc… It didn’t take long for the rains to return. My ride home across the waves was wet and very rough. We are still picking up the tail end of a few outer bands of Tropical Storm Alex in the Gulf of Mexico.
I have been mulling over a question for a few weeks – a question of whether or not I wanted to purchase a “wireless mobile internet modem” for my laptop. Today I finally decided to do so, and one of my objectives in going to Panajachel was to make the purchase. I was not fully sure if I would even be able to get a mobile-phone internet signal in my room – but I am pleased to say that I do – even though it is somewhat transient in strength and reliability.
I now have internet access here at the pyramids. My biggest challenge will be to limit my online time so as not to distract myself from my meditation and study time – but in the long run I believe that having internet in my room will cut down on my outside distractions, as I will not need to spend time and money in the internet café every day. Time will tell.
Wednesday, June 30 – 7:30 p.m.
We began studying the Tarot cards this morning, and my resistance has disappeared. I am actually looking forward to learning more about the spiritual significance of each card. I did some meditating on the cards this afternoon and evening and felt a deep spiritual connection with the symbolism of the 22 Major Arcana cards – which essentially symbolically describe our life journey from birth back to enlightenment.
On a lighter note, I had my first haircut today in over eight months. My hair had grown at least four or five inches during this period, and the length and weight was making my hair feel scraggly and thin. I found out about a stylist here in San Marcos who is from Sweden. This afternoon I braved the scissors, and am very pleased with the results. My hair is now about the same length as it was when I began my journey almost thirteen months ago – but not quite the same style – and the color is way different. My once perfectly died auburn hair with blond highlights is now half salt-and-pepper grey and half faded blondish-red. I am beginning to quite like the grey and might just keep it this way.
This evening, during our 5:00 p.m. meditation, we did the same desert meditation sequence in which I participated early during my Moon Course. It was during that meditation 29 days ago that I had struggled frustratingly with my inability to visualize – but I had also experienced a powerful realization. That was the meditation where I was given the strong intuitive message that I was not yet speaking my full truth on my spiritual journey.
Tonight, I had a much more harmonious experience. I was still slightly handicapped in the visualization area, but I joyfully allowed my intuitive imagination to take up all the slack. After my first try at this experience last month, I had already forgotten all of the symbolic meanings (except for the steps) – so tonight’s meditation seemed as if it were my first time.
I would like to describe my meditation insights here in my journal – but before doing so I want to first summarize instructions for performing this guided imagery – before giving away the meaning of the symbolisms. This way, if anyone wants to try this for themselves before reading on, I won’t spoil the meaning for you.
After having already meditated silently for 30 minutes, Chaty instructs us to lie down on our backs, maintaining our already deep meditative focus on our third eye. She asks us to visualize or to imagine in whatever way works for us – emphasizing that it is important to let our subconscious lead the way, and to not think too much – we should just observe and focus on the first feelings that come up. Then she very slowly guides us through the following sequences, pausing at each step, asking questions to help us paint the picture in our imaginations.
1. Imagine that you are walking through a desert. Look around. What does it look like? What do you see? How do you feel? Etc…
2. Pay attention to how you are walking. Are you walking fast or slow? What emotions are you feeling as you walk? Are you happy or sad? Are you peaceful or fearful? Etc…
3. Can you see the end of the desert? If you can see it, how far away is it, and what is it like?
4. Can you see an oasis? If so, where is it? How far away? How many oases do you see? What are they like? Etc…
5. Can you see any camels? If so, how many can you see? How far away are they? Etc…
6. As you are walking along, do you see any cactuses? How big are they? Do they have blossoms or flowers? How many are there? How far away are they? Etc…
7. You come across an unusual item in the desert. You find a dice. How big is the dice? What is it made of? What colors is the dice? What number is showing on top? Etc…
8. You find a box in the desert. Pick up the box and open it. What do you find inside the box?
9. Look around you to see if you see people in your surroundings. How many people are there? Where are they? Etc…
10. As you continue walking through the desert you come to some steps. Walk up the steps. How do you feel? What do you see? What do you experience as you climb the steps? Etc…
11. We are nearing the end. A storm suddenly comes up around you. What kind of storm is it? Is there wind? Is there blowing sand? Is there rain? Is there lightning and thunder? How do you feel in the storm? What feelings and emotions do you experience? How do you react?
12. The storm ends. How do you feel now? What was your experience?
At the end of the meditation, Chaty then has us take seven deep breaths and roll onto our sides, at which time she tells us the symbolism behind the guided imagery.
In the paragraphs that follow, I will describe my personal experience during the meditation, and will then immediately explain the symbolism behind that portion of the meditation.
As I walked through the desert, what I saw was a vast collection of beautiful pure white sandy dunes. Sometimes I found myself walking between the dunes, and other times, I felt myself climbing up their sides in the soft sinking sand, playing and rolling around. My emotions took me back to an experience I had in Death Valley about 16 months ago where I walked in a very similar place. In tonight’s visualization, I felt an incredible feeling of peaceful energizing reverence as I walked quite slowly, barefoot, through the soft, cool sands squishing below my toes. I felt spiritually alive in the silent peace of my surroundings. No fears – just loving peace.
Chaty explained to us that the desert is the way we see our life. How we feel in the desert, and how we walk through he desert is symbolic of the way we approach life’s many varied situations.
When asked if we could see the end of the desert, I could not do so at first. Then I could faintly visualize the outline of mountains, perhaps five or ten miles away – reminding me very much of the mountains that surround Death Valley.
Chaty explained that the edge/end of the desert, if we see one at all, is indicative of the mental limitations that we need to overcome in our lives.
When asked if we could see an oasis, I struggled at first to see anything. I felt like there must be one out there, but could not see it. Then, as I allowed my imagination to take over, I began to see faint visualized images of young trees sprouting up all around me. They seemed to be arranged in a pattern on all sides, springing up in ever increasing numbers.
Chaty explained that the oasis, if we see one or more than one, symbolizes the amount of spiritual support that we have in our lives.
I had a similar experience with the camels, not being able to see or feel anything at first – but as I let my imagination take over, I felt as if a row of perhaps ten to fifteen camels were lined up a short distance away. I could see a faint visualization of the row as it disappeared into the distance.
Chaty explained that the camels, if we see any, represent the amount of material support that we have in our lives.
The cactus were easy. I saw occasional bunches of small prickly pears with beautiful blooming flowers of yellow, fuchsia, and red – reminding me of similar cactuses that I once saw in Canyonlands National Park, near Moab, Utah.
Chaty explained that the cactuses we see represent the problems in our lives. How many cactus we see, how big they are, and their distance from us are all part of the symbolism. Then she added that blossoms on the cactus indicate solutions for the problems, meaning that they are not really problems at all because they are easily solved.
When instructed to visualize a dice, I saw a single dice, perhaps ¾ inch across, white, made of hard plastic – very similar to those you might get in a typical board game. As I visualized the number, I clearly saw a single dot. But then, as my mind wandered I clearly saw three dots. Again, as I started to move on, I clearly saw a pattern of five dots.
Chaty told us that the dice is symbolic of our Ego. Regretfully, I could not understand her thick Spanish accent in the few additional words that she used to explain the meaning. I did hear her say, however, that we should use our intuition in meditating on the meaning of this one.
When I came to the box and picked it up, I found inside a small collection of something like cassette tapes – but I intuitively knew that they were some type of life recordings. As I continued to look into the box, I did not visually see them, but felt the presence of several crystals as well.
Again, I was a little fuzzy on Chaty’s explanation on this one. What I think I heard her say is that the contents of the box are symbolic of our life work – for instance, she did say that if you see crystals, it might mean that part of your path is to be a healer.
When asked to see if there were people around me, I felt is if there were a few people, here and there, scattered on some of the dunes around me (much as there were during my time in Death Valley). They were having fun playing in the sand and I was doing my own thing.
Chaty explained that the people around us in the desert symbolically represent the people around us in our lives. For instance, she indicated that if we did not see any people, it might mean that we are lonely or isolated.
When it came time to climb the steps – the only part of the meditation that I really remembered with any detail – I was wondering if I would feel the same tightness in my throat that I felt last month. Amazingly, my throat was perfectly clear and I had one of the most clear visualizations of the whole meditation. I was climbing the stone steps of a huge pyramid. As I climbed one level, I could more clearly see the unlimited number of steps that seemed to continue appearing above me. I found myself zigzagging back and forth up the steps, as is a spiritual tradition when climbing a pyramid. I felt a deep sense of awe and reverence – reminding me of the time I climbed the Pyramid of the Sun, at Teotihuacan near Mexico City, just nine months ago (the same pyramid where I felt the presence of my parents’ energy).
As I mentioned in my “Speaking My Truth” blog entry last month, the significance of the steps is that they represent our spiritual path. It was during this same meditation that my throat had constricted, telling me that I was not speaking my full truth on my spiritual path. Tonight, my experience gave me a different message: I have an incredible awe-inspiring climb ahead of me. I am ready to begin that climb.
My desert storm was an incredible and powerful thunderstorm, with lots of heavy rain, lightning, and thunder. At first I tried to find shelter to keep my hair and clothes from getting wet (as I usually do in life) – but then I surrendered with giggles and allowed myself to get soaked by the cool refreshing water from heaven – looking toward the clouds and opening my arms to the drenching waters. At the end of the storm, I was overflowing with excited energy from the experience through which I had just passed. I felt anxious to engage in my next adventure.
Chaty explained to us that the storm is symbolic of life’s obstacles. The type of storm and how we felt during and after the storm represent the type of obstacles that we face, and how we typically react to them. If the storm involves water, that symbolizes emotional obstacles. Lightning and thunder represents spiritual obstacles. Wind represents mental obstacles and blowing sand is symbolic of physical ones.
I found tonight’s meditation exercise much more enjoyable as I smiled inside and allowed my intuition and imagination to take over. I am quite pleased with the insights that came my way – although I am now wondering what the mental obstacles (mountains at the edge of my desert) may be, and just what the numbers and size of my dice might mean regarding my ego. I now have a few more items for nighttime meditation tonight.
Wow – it took me two hours to summarize my experience tonight, but I am grateful to have it all recorded – and I definitely feel as if the process has given me additional clarity and insight … but now it is bedtime.
Thursday, July 1 – 7:10 p.m.
I had a great conversation this morning with Sandra. What an inspiration she is to me on my own path. She shared many personal experiences that literally blew me away.
I have been really enjoying my meditation experiences surrounding the 22 trump (Arcana Major) cards from the Tarot (Rider-Wait version). The symbolism ties into the Kabala Tree of Life in incredible ways, and is beginning to bring the whole Initiatic System to life for me. Today we studied the first six of those cards in more detail.
Tonight, for the second time in my life I saw colors in someone else’s aura. During the second half of evening meditation, we practiced the techniques, and I paired up with Sandra. I saw a beautiful deep purple aura completely surrounding her head. Sandra tells me that she saw portions of blue aura around me, which is right up the alley of learning to speak my truth, and focusing on my channeling/communicating chakra.
I had a couple of very interesting dreams last night, neither of which I will take the time to describe in detail here. The first was of a personal nature, and had to do with the importance of closing a chapter in a former relationship, and the second was a very vivid reminder that I need to practice my techniques to learn how to wake up while still in a dream. Right in the middle of a crazy dream where impossible things were happening, I vividly remember asking myself “am I dreaming” – yet I did not wake up – I stayed in the dream, believing what was happening must be real. At least I was a little closer to the process.
Thursday, July 2 – 6:30 p.m.
I am floating in the clouds with peaceful energy. Tonight in meditation, after our thirty minutes of silent time, Chaty guided us deeper into very slow breathing, had us connect with our inner temple, breathing into the center of our brain, and then had us do something which I literally loved.
For thirty minutes we chanted “Ohm” on our “out” breaths while picturing our inner temple on our “in” breaths. With everyone breathing on different rhythms, the melodic chant was almost continuous – energetically hypnotizing. When meditation was over, everyone in the room remained quite silent, with no one being in a hurry to leave. As I eventually walked back toward my room, I detoured to spend ten minutes in the medicinal garden, connecting with the trees, touching their bark, feeling the energy still vibrating in me, feeling the amazing sensitive energy of the trees connecting with my own.
It was, and still is, an incredibly beautiful experience.
* * * * *
The last twenty-four hours have been an interesting emotional roller coaster ride – one that I am not quite sure how to delicately address in a public journal – yet I committed that I would write about everything, speaking my truth, and I intend to document my emotional journey fully and honestly.
I have been divorced for almost fourteen years, and feel that I have been excessively honorable in providing financial support to my former wife. Throughout those years, much of my desire to be overly generous was based on guilt – deeply rooted intensely powerful guilt. I think I was subconsciously hoping to free myself from some of that guilt by making sure that my family was able to maintain their former financial lifestyle – even though the act of doing so required considerable personal sacrifice to my own life situation.
In October, 2007, as I was in the process of being laid off from my software engineering job – a job that provided incredible benefits and great financial security – I knew with all my heart that my spiritual path was taking me down a different road – a road which appeared to be quite lean as far as future financial gain is concerned.
Seven months later, after using up the last penny of my severance package, I began the process of selling my home, after which I moved in with my friend Jeanette to save money – yet through it all I have continued to send support payments. I have done so for many reasons.
The main reason is that the promptings of my heart told me to continue for the time being. But another reason – one that was high up on the list – was that I still suffered deep guilt, fear, and anxiety regarding what would happen with my family relationships if I stopped sending money across the fence – even though my children were all fully raised and out of the home.
For many years I have wrestled with this huge emotional demon, this incredible tug-of-war between guilt, fear, logic, and promptings. As I began my travels last year, this internal battle was far from resolved. I knew that I had no source of income and that I would be rapidly working through the money that I got from selling my home. I also knew that I was in no position to continue sending support payments – yet my promptings at the time told me to continue as usual – to simply trust the process.
Last month, during my Moon Course, I had several powerful experiences of a personal nature – including several vivid dreams dealing with guilt and the issue of financial support. The frequency and nature of these dreams surprised me, because the issue had hardly been on my radar for most of the past year. Through all those experiences, a series of deep “knowing” feelings began to resonate in my heart.
Each dream (along with several other experiences) dealt in some related way with the intricate nature of my guilt and the issue of continuing to send financial support. I chose to not write about most of those experiences because they were issues related with family – issues that were difficult to write about without running the risk of hurt feelings.
But my internal sense of “knowing” was quite clear as my Moon Course progressed, telling me that the time to stop support payments was rapidly approaching.
After having come to this difficult realization, I then experienced that unexpected past life regression – the one that I wrote about in my June 9 “Voice of Truth” posting – the one where I was a fisherman in Peru raising a daughter – a daughter that had the energetic presence of my former wife. You may recall that I processed through and released incredible guilt about my need to take care of that little daughter. After that experience, I had believed that my guilt over the issue of financial support was completely dissipated.
Yet I ignored signs and promptings – choosing to postpone, yet-again, awkward conversations and opting to continue support payments because it was the easy thing to do – and because it still seemed the loving thing to do.
Then I had my dream of yesterday morning – the same one that I mentioned briefly last night but chose to not discuss publicly. After that dream, I was quite sick to my stomach (with emotional fear) because I knew without any doubt that NOW was the time to initiate the communications regarding cessation of support payments.
I again avoided the issue throughout most of yesterday, hoping the promptings would go away. But last night, realizing that spirit was not going to let me run away on this one – realizing that continued spiritual progress with my Sun Course depends on me facing this fear – I finally sat down and typed out an email. I had already written the majority of the text at 12:30 a.m., just after the dream itself – text that had been, for the most part, channeled through me at that time.
Last night, as I finished editing that difficult email, reading and re-reading every word several times, I sat and stared blankly at the send button. Yes, the letter was written from a perspective of deep love – yet I was terrified to move forward – and no, I did not want to proceed with the next step. Finally, several minutes later, after holding my breath, I clicked “Send”.
Almost immediately, I panicked, feeling a wave of gut-wrenching fear and anxiety rush through my body.
I lay down on my bed, feeling the once-familiar sensations of a panic attack. As I began to feel the emotional terror surface in my physical body, I was suddenly taken back to the intense guilt emotion of last month’s past life regression as a fisherman in Peru. With my pillow over my face, I began sobbing once again – my jaw and belly shaking violently for several minutes.
After releasing the emotion, followed by a brief phone conversation with my dear friend Michelle, I immersed myself in meditation. I was finally able to return to a peaceful, loving, spiritually-centered, state – enjoying a restful night.
This afternoon, wondering if my email had even been read, I made a phone call. I left a voice message on my old home phone number, asking my former spouse to please check her email – asking her to read with love and an open heart, and to then respond.
As I hung up the phone, I again found myself returning to a state of panic. Again, I meditated to re-center myself. I once again feel spiritual grounded, yet there is no doubt in my mind that I still have more growth to face as this story unfolds.
Over the past twenty four hours, I feel as if I have begun to exercise a demon from my soul. Each time I think about the issue, that twinge of fear and panic tries to wedge itself back into my soul. Each time this happens, I meditate and peacefully escort that fear and panic back into nothingness. Even now, as I write these emotions, that fear is banging on the door of my mind, trying to push its way back inside. It is now time to do some more meditation.
I have faced deep debilitating fears with a loving heart. I have no idea of what the outcome will be, but I know without any doubts that I have done exactly what spirit prompted me to do, and I know that whatever happens will be a beautiful growth-filled experience for all involved.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved