(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Before tonight’s writing, I just want to comment that as I read through my last blog posting (Episode 9), I realized that a couple of things were out of order in my account about my experience with Keith. If you received the posting via Email, or if you read it before late Sunday evening, then it was not fully accurate. I fixed the posting so that it is now correct. Basically, I just slightly rearranged two or three paragraphs to explain that Keith only asked me to look for some type of a contract in my visualized basket AFTER I had told him I felt as if I were wrapped in chains.
And now, on with tonight’s writing …
Monday, August 9 – 7:00 p.m.
Friday I was totally drained after having had my amazing “destroying a past-life blood contract” experience with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. I felt a strong sense of lightness inside of me, yet for the second night in a row I had not slept, hardly at all. After staying up late while finishing my writing on Thursday night, my mind was wired with thinking about the events that had taken place. I finally gave in to sleepless exhaustion at 11:00 p.m. when I took a half sleeping pill – yet I awoke again at midnight, eyes glued open and my brain once again active. I simply tried to relax and meditate, but without much success at either.
Still awake at 2:30 a.m., I followed a prompting to listen to a recording of my third channeling session (out of five total) with Trish, one that took place in December of 2008. That session had never connected with me previously, but it seemed to speak deeply to me now – telling me that the only thing I need to do to solve problems and to answer all my ego-based questions was to do things in my life to raise my vibration levels. The rest would take care of itself. Imagine that! Perhaps I am finally learning that lesson more than 20 months later.
At 3:30 a.m., still wide awake after thoroughly enjoying my last hour listening to Trish channel for me, I began listening to some very soothing inner-child music. I think I finally drifted off to la-la-land around 5:00 a.m., only to awaken again by 6:00.
A strong headache haunted me all day long, and by mid afternoon I began to feel considerable nausea. I did not recognize the nausea until I attempted to eat one last pre-40-day-silence meal of hamburger and fries. Instead of delightfully consuming my coveted meat-treat, I found myself staring at an almost-full and barely-touched plate, realizing that if I took one more byte I would likely loose what little I had already swallowed.
That evening I felt even worse as I skipped meditation for the second night in a row, and headed back to the Doctor’s home, asking if he had any pro-biotics or the equivalent in his pharmacy.
As I lay in bed Friday evening, feeling absolutely miserable, I suddenly recalled my “there is a big difference between pain and suffering” lesson. Almost instantaneously I shifted into the realization that “Yes, my body is sick, exhausted, and simply wants to wallow in misery – yet my mind is perfectly healthy and whole.” Remembering that suffering over the physical condition of my body is simply a choice, I immediately chose peace and a joyful attitude rather than an emotional pity party.
With a great deal of determination and willpower, I began to spiritually ignore my pain, and instead I meditated on loving peaceful thoughts, finding gratitude in my heart for everything presently going on in my life. Then I began searching for possible positive and happy reasons as to why my body might be guiding me into some downtime.
As I continued this line of meditation, I recognized that this would be a great opportunity to let go of perfectionism, to simply stop studying while doing so with no guilt, to skip all meditations and yoga, and to just vegetate for a few days (or as long as recovery might take) – doing whatever I wanted to do or was mentally capable of doing, and no more.
* * * * *
Saturday was one of those days where I could easily have remained in my pajamas for the entire day – except for the fact that there was no way I was going to miss my 8:30 a.m. class. I love my morning classes. By Saturday evening, after 24 hours of pro-biotic pills, I had managed to eat a half bowl of rice for lunch and a half bowl for dinner. I was quite pleased with my stomach-stability progress. Other than my morning class, two meals, and many restroom breaks, my entire day was spent lying in bed – simply resting.
Yes, I my body still insisted throughout the day that it was miserable – but in my mind I continued to find relaxed and peaceful presence. I actually enjoyed my day of rest.
* * * * *
Early Sunday morning, I awoke with a vivid dream. It was not one of those earth-shattering life-changing types – yet it stood out for me just the same.
The dream was similar to many I have had throughout my adult post-schooling life. I dreamed that I was hurrying off to school to participate in some type of class. As I proceeded on my way, I suddenly remembered that I had previously enrolled in three post-graduate classes at Brigham Young University (BYU). As I focused on the issue, I realized that the semester was almost over, and I had never attended any of those classes – not a single one. I began to feel panic as I pondered the possible effects to my transcript, even though it was obvious to me that I was not in a full degree program.
My initial tendency was to blow this dream off as a silly meaningless fluke. I used to have such dreams through most of my adult post-school life. I never tried to interpret them, and never paid any attention to them. About the only thing they did for me was give me a feeling of panic – panic focused on how an ‘F” on my transcript (for non-participation) would affect my GPA and my public image.
Early Sunday afternoon, however, internal promptings reminded me of the dream, insisting that I focus on it for a while. The first thing I realized is that previous similar dreams had ceased when I returned to University to get my Masters degree at the beginning of 2006. Then, merely seconds after beginning to actually meditate on possible meanings, the answers flooded into my awareness.
It was all so obvious now. The dream was symbolically telling me that prior to my birth I had agreed (enrolled) to study certain things while pursuing my spiritual path during this lifetime – and that as of yet I had still failed to attend even a single class. As this message so powerfully resonated, I immediately began to soul-search as to exactly what subjects I may be ignoring.
My mind went almost immediately to the subject of “Sacred Geometry”. During my first long discussion with my friend Michiko in Playa Del Carmen, nearly one year ago, she felt strongly prompted to tell me “Oh Brenda, you really need to study Sacred Geometry.” I briefly glanced at a web site, found it fascinating, bookmarked the site, and then never returned.
Right before my Sun Course, Sandra told me that she had been reading about Sacred Geometry and was finding it fascinating. As she shared her experience with me, a strong prompting vibrated in my soul, peaking my interest, telling me that I needed to do the same. Again I bookmarked the thought in my mind, and promptly moved on.
Several times over the last 6 weeks I have thought about Sacred Geometry as I have heard other people make reference to it, but each time I stalled – I was too busy reading required materials to spread my time out on other non-essentials.
This morning, I walked out to find Sandra, told her about my dream and my interpretation – telling her there are things I still need to be studying before and/or during my silence. Then I asked her for her for the name of the Sacred Geometry book that she loved the most. She is in silence so she could not answer, but she wrote the title down for me.
To make a long story short, the book comes in two volumes and only the second was available in our library – yet I found out who has the first one and they are willing to loan it to me on a temporary basis. As I thumbed through the second volume, there is no doubt that it is the very one I need for now. I already noted that the book has many references to Pythagoras, and to Davinci’s Venusian man images (nude man laying in a circle) – both of which caused me to shiver with recognition as I realized the connection to my own spiritual guides – and then I noted a meditation technique detailed in the back that is based on Sacred Geometry. A brief visual scan powerfully confirmed that this technique was discussing the meditation energy that I have been periodically experiencing ever since my last five days of silence – the one that I was embarrassed to mention as being quite pleasurable.
I don’t plan on reading this book in its entirety – I plan to intuitively select parts that jump out at me, and to then use short reading episodes as “gasoline” to fuel my spiritual fire during my long meditation periods over my 40 days. I can’t wait to get started.
* * * * *
By Sunday midday, my physical body continued to feel slightly weak, but my appetite was considerably improved. I still ate like a skinny bird, but was actually able to consume an entire bowl of rice for lunch. The pro-biotics seemed to be working miracles, and my physical spirits were greatly improved.
By evening, I actually wanted to attend meditation, and was very pleased by the outcome.
The first thirty minutes – while sitting upright and cross-legged – were quite the uphill journey through frequent thoughts of future and past – but I finally achieved a state of deep peaceful relaxation filled with the loving emotion that I now consider to be an essential part of my successful meditations. But it was not until the second half of the session that I found my real groove.
It was another evening of meditating on an “Angel Card” – cards containing names of spiritual virtues. For some reason, I just knew that I wanted the “Joy” card, but I also told myself that I would be thrilled to get something like happiness, peace, presence, etc…
As Jane (our meditation leader for Sunday night) walked around the room allowing people to choose a card from her little container, I went into deep meditation, asking for advance guidance on which card to choose. Seconds later, a simple little intuitive feeling (call it imagination if you will) told me to select the third card from the back. I began to question “which end of the little container will be the back?” Spirit just seemed to laugh at me as my intuition responded with “when Jane places the little ceramic box in front of you, the back will be the part furthest away from you.”
When the box was finally placed in front of me, without even waiting for more intuition, I flipped to the back of the cards, pushed the last two out of the way, grabbed the third, and was shocked to see the word “JOY” staring me down. I just smiled a huge smile, muffled an internal giggle, turned my mat sideways, and reclined on my back with my head toward the center. What are the chances of pulling that exact card out of a little container containing at least 50 other cards, probably many more than that?
Throughout that beautiful meditation, I completely relaxed my body as I passionately embraced joyful and loving emotions of all types, bringing every possible joyful memory into my mind as a way to fuel this powerful emotion.
As I did this, I noticed a very tingly and familiar energy begin to work its way up my legs (from my feet), stopping right at my root chakra area. Just as before, the energy was quite pleasurable, but would not continue through the rest of my body. Then I noticed the energy work its way up from my hands, stopping at my elbows.
“What do I need to get this energy to flow further up my spine and up my arms?” I asked myself. I began to focus on deeper relaxation, and on mentally coaxing and “willing” the energy to gradually continue. First I focused on my arms.
After about five minutes of focused concentration, I felt the energy begin to gradually work upward from my elbows, now creeping into unfamiliar territory, the energy took on a new twist, reminding me a little of how it feels when blood rushes back to a sleeping appendage – but even more unique. The sensation is difficult to describe – kind of like when you squeeze a plugged bottle of ketchup. As soon as the pressure reaches a strong enough point, the ketchup will burst through the blockage and spurt out of the spout. The energy in my arms felt as if pleasurable electrical pressure was building up in plugged passages, and then one by one bursting out through to my skin for the first time in a very long time (if not ever). As the experience reached my upper arms, the sensation was so powerful that I felt as if the sleeves on my white blouse were blowing up in the air with each burst of energy (as if a puff of air) and then landing back on my arms. Not wanting to spoil the moment, I never actually looked to see – but intuition tells me that my sleeves were not moving – that only the energy in my skin itself was moving powerfully, giving me the sensation of exterior movement.
Feeling thrilled at what I was experiencing, I was determined to see if I could get the energy from my legs to continue up past my root chakra. Using the same concentration techniques, I pushed the energy with all of my will, encouraging it move. Ever so slowly I began to feel the mildly-pleasurable energy fill my abdomen from bottom up. With constant focus, repeatedly returning to my emphasis on joyful loving emotion, I finally felt the energy reach the bottom of my rib cage.
“Ding”. Jane gently rang the brass edge of her small Tibetan bowl to signal that our time was up.
“No,” I silently exclaimed, “I am not done.”
I wanted to write in my journal last night, but I was even more excited to continue my meditation experience – so after gobbling down my second full bowl of rice for the day, I returned to my room to pick up where I left off. I returned to my meditative state of pure joyful and loving emotion, envisioned the energy, and easily coaxed it to work its way back to the top of my arms and to the bottom of my rib cage.
At that point I had to sink back into deep focused meditative (but joyful) effort. Gradually I succeeded in bringing the energy all the way to my neck, filling my entire chest cavity – but I seemed to hit another wall at that point. Nevertheless, I was thoroughly pleased with myself for what was for me an amazing accomplishment in using intuitive energy.
Little did I know that I was only beginning! After a few minutes, I felt the sensation of what seemed like a heavy soft pillow pressing down on my chest, right above my heart, but encompassing my entire rib cage area.
Immediately, my memory flashed to my first private session with Keith (Chocolate Shaman) in which he guided me through the merging of some energy from my higher self. Intuitively, I trusted the feelings telling me that this was more energy from my higher self, now ready to merge with me, signaling its presence and simply waiting for my permission to proceed.
The old me would have never felt the energy presence in the first place, and certainly would not have invited it in. The new me simply grinned and said, “Wow, let’s see where this goes.”
With love in my heart, I embraced the energy, inviting this part of my higher self to rejoin with my physical shell. Gradually, the pressure on my chest seemed to lesson as I intuitively felt that the merger was taking place. I cannot say that I felt any changes taking place inside my body, but my newfound energy awareness was definitely telling me that this was real.
Within a few minutes of the energy completing its merger, I again felt the presence of another heavy soft pillow pressing down on my heart chakra. Again I invited it in, with similar results. I began to feel the immensity of the amount of energy that I was absorbing, and wondered where it could all possibly fit within the boundaries of my tiny body.
Again, for the third and fourth times, the same experience repeated itself, at which point I began to ponder “Will all of this energy be focused on my heart chakra and chest area?”
Minutes later, I giggled with amazement at the confirmation to my question. This time I felt a very subtle but heavy pressure pushing down on my forehead and face. I simply smiled and joyfully embraced the slow merger process.
I stopped counting, but at least three or four more energy pillows then took turns merging back into my heart chakra. I felt gratitude that in answer to my question, one energy pillow had been sent to my third-eye chakra, but intuitively knew that the majority was aimed right at my heart. I continued to wonder with amazement, where all of this huge expansive energy could ever possibly fit.
* * * * *
I had stopped watching the clock long before, so I have no awareness of time. I specifically remember at one time asking spirit to not pull any punches, to give me whatever I could handle, whatever I was ready for. But after a great amount of this process, I was reaching a point of exhaustion and I begged spirit to stop, saying, “No more, unless of course you think I need it now.”
I eventually fell asleep, and for the first time in five nights, I slept straight through till around 2:30 a.m., when I woke up in need of a restroom break. (I had been up every hour on the other nights.) As I awoke, I could still feel the energy in my stomach – but I have to admit that I wasn’t quite sure if it was my stomach growling from intense hunger (three bowls of rice, one bowl of oatmeal and one-third hamburger in three days).
After my quick break and a little relaxation focus, I was back to sleep – going straight through to nearly 6:00 a.m.. Again, I felt as if the energy were still lingering.
* * * * *
Today (Monday) has been a beautiful, relaxed day.
I cannot explain what is different. I feel more peaceful, less driven by instinct, more able to be present without worries about what I should or should not be doing. My appetite is back with a vengeance. I ate three full meals today and still feel hungry. I have downed nearly twice as much water as I normally drink (taking me back to what I actually should have been drinking all along before I got sick) – and I have rarely had to rush off to the restroom with my little-bitty bladder.
I still feel somewhat drained, yet simultaneously energized.
I maintain a deep desire to leap forward in my spiritual journey, yet without the old drive for “work, work, work” and “do, do, do” egging me on.
I still feel mental chatter driving me insane as I begin to meditate, yet I have a deeper awareness of where I want to go, and it seems easier to get there.
I am very eager to discover if this newfound energy consciousness is permanent or something that will continue playing hide-and-go-seek with me.
This is all far too new for me to draw any conclusions about my experiences of the past five days. All I know is that the ride has been amazing, and that I am incredibly tired as I type these final words.
But, as usual, I cannot wait to see where tomorrow leads me. (Or should I say tonight?)
Tuesday, August 10 – 3:29 a.m.
A few minutes ago, I awoke from what has been an off-again-on-again sleep with an energy mildly washing up my spine, just enough to get my attention – just enough to be undeniable.
“I need my sleep.” I exclaimed as I lay their slightly surrendering.
Suddenly it hit me. The Universe/and my guides have been preparing me for years, doing the exact same thing that Keith did for me in two private sessions over the past few weeks. I now understand why everything has been happening the way it has. It would have been so easy for my Spiritual Guides to simply tell me, with words, all of the concepts that I needed to know – but I would never have understood, and subsequently I would never have paid attention in class. No – it had to be a personal experience, one which I struggled to obtain.
Rather than mentally and logically telling me all of the answers to what is going on with my energy and simply answering my questions, my Guides have been patiently standing by in their therapist chairs – patiently guiding me to discover my own answers – patiently leading me toward having my own personal inner experience of what it is that I need to experience. If someone had merely told me with words what I am supposed to know about energy I would never have understood any of it. I needed to experience this slow tedious inner journey exactly as it has been happening. I needed to discover it this way before Spirit could begin to interpret it for me.
I fully realize that I am just barely an infant in my explorations, but my energy awareness is now peaked in ways that words could never have convinced me. In my innermost core beliefs, I knew that others experience such energy, but I never imagined that I could begin to personally connect with the same understanding.
If Keith had told me at the beginning of our last session that I had a past-life blood contract that I needed to destroy, I would have been quite skeptical. I would have wanted to believe him, but would have resisted intensely. Instead, Keith gently pushed and prodded with clues and encouragement – giving me just enough fodder to spur me on until I allowed my own right-brained symbolism to surface inside of me, telling me essentially the same message that he could so easily have passed along to me – but then I never would have learned that I can do it myself.
With each step of my progress, Keith responded with just enough words to interpret what was happening, just enough to keep me wanting more, just enough to satisfy my left brain desire “to know” so that I would not give up in my seemingly impossible quest. At the same time, he was smart enough to never tell me too much until I first opened the next clue by myself. It was all quite ingenious.
As I type away here at 3:30 in the morning, the words are flowing as if being channeled through me.
Last night, as I tried to hurry and post these writings as my latest blog entry, everything went wrong. My internet switched to slow-speed with inconsistent connection loss. I had an inkling that maybe I should wait till morning – maybe there was still more to write – but I was tired and simply insisted that I wanted to post what I had. As internet returned, and I got close to achieving my goal, my computer then crashed. Again, I tried and almost succeeded, and the connection simply disappeared yet again. Finally, I listened to the message telling me go to bed, that there was a tiny bit more to experience and to write before I was ready to post.
Then, after shutting down my laptop, I also remembered two other things I had wanted to write but had forgotten. The first is that I believe my stomach problems were given to me to induce a state of pseudo-fasting in which I was more sensitive to the energy – as if I had been in retreat for several days. It makes so much sense that the Universe wants me to be lean and mean right now as far as my nutrition and my load on my digestive system – helping me to recognize that in this state I am more connected to the energy flows.
The second thing I had wanted to mention is something a woman said to me last night after I finished gobbling down my bowl of rice at a nearby restaurant. As I was talking to Kathy from Blue Lily, another woman whom I had never officially met jumped into the middle of our conversation.
Her words were something like: “I just wanted to tell you that even though we have never really met or connected, I have an observation to pass along. From when I first saw you in San Marcos compared to now, right here tonight, you literally look ten years younger than you did then. I do not know what you are doing in your life right now, but you need to continue doing it.”
I walked away practically floating as I knew exactly what I was doing and why I must look younger. I feel younger, enthused with what is happening, rejuvenated by the connections that are gradually unfolding around me in my personal experience. And I haven’t even begun my 40 days of silence yet.
I’m tired, my intuition tells me I am done with my quick writing burst, and I am going back to bed.
Up Again at 4:00 A.M.
OK, so I was wrong. How can you possibly sleep when it feels as if someone has hooked up my lower back to a very subtle low-voltage electrical shock system, constantly sending a low stream of current into the surrounding muscle tissue, making it twitch and turn ever so gently. It is just enough to let me know that energy events are running around inside of me like excited little toddlers, exploring the boundaries of their play pen, shaking on the walls, insisting that they do not want to take a nap.
I feel as if I am a young child trying to sleep on the night before a huge trip to Disneyland. I am too excited to sleep, yet I know that I will not be able to thoroughly enjoy Disneyland if I don’t sleep first.
I am also being guided that I will wait yet one more day before posting. I begin my silence on what is now tomorrow morning (Wednesday) after our 8:30 a.m. class. I think I will post this entry tonight, along with any additional writing. Then, beginning tomorrow I will start a new series of posts called “Sun Silence: Episode 1” etc…
Tuesday (same day) at 2:00 P.M.
What a beautiful day this is turning out to be. My group just participated in a self-organized pre-silence gathering where we all shared our love and wisdom and song with each other. I am so excited about starting silence tomorrow.
I was going to wait to post, but tonight we are spending the evening together and tomorrow is the day … so the time to post is now.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved