Brenda's Bicycles

(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)

Friday, August 20 – 7:00 p.m.

Yesterday was quite the bizarre day. After Yoga and a beautiful class discussion with Chaty, I gobbled down a bowl of oatmeal and followed a spur-of-the-moment prompting telling me that “Now is the time to go schedule a return appointment with Keith, my favorite Chocolate Shaman.” I was delighted to get a next morning (Today) appointment at 10:00 a.m..

After I returned back to my room, I discovered another couple of itchy spider bites on my body. Giving in to a feeling of frustration, I took a pill that a pharmacist in Panajachel sold to me as being an antihistamine (even though it was labeled as a sleep aide). I ran out of my Brand-name anti-histamines almost a month ago, and had recently visited a pharmacy to buy some more, just in case I might need them.

After swallowing the little white pill, I decided to read the packaging, expecting to find the word “antihistamine.” I was quite confused by the Spanish labeling, but nowhere did it say anything about allergies or itch-relief – simply a bunch of warning labels plus instructions to take before bedtime to help with sleep.

Immediately after washing the pill down with a swig of water, I began to sense slight numbness on my tongue where the pill had momentarily rested. “What did I just take?” I asked myself as I began to feel slight panic – wondering if I had taken some kind of strong anti-anxiety pill or strong sleeping pill. Thirty minutes later I ran off to the local internet café in search of answers.

To my relief, I discovered that the pill’s ingredient, Difenhidramine HCL, is indeed the exact same ingredient that is in Benadryl – but to my dismay, my research also told me that it definitely has strong sedative properties and can even cause temporary amnesia. Conspicuously absent on the pill’s packaging was any indication of its strength. I had no idea how much I had just taken. All I know is that I felt drowsy and had a nervous headache all afternoon.

I gave up on trying to study or meditate, and attempted to sleep, hoping to catch a dream or two, preferably one that might be lucid – but to my dismay, my brain was nervously “wired” to the point that I could not sleep, nor could I function in an awake state.

Last night was the opening ceremony for the current Moon Course’s final five days of silence and fasting. The ceremony was beautiful – but I really could not tell you much about it. I only remember that I could not focus on the meditation, and was quite anxious to go back to my room to simply crash – letting the effects of the strange pill just wear off with time.

I think I learned my lesson about taking poorly-labeled generic medications in foreign countries.

*  *  *  *  *

Early this morning (Friday), I awoke immediately after listening to myself give some wonderful advice to another person in my dream. I won’t fill in the details of the dream here, suffice it to say that the person I was talking to was in some type of athletic club, yet he was asking me about his retreat experience here at the pyramids. He was worried about his progress in the retreat, concerned that he wasn’t going to get much out of the experience.

Almost instantly, the wise words came flowing out of my mouth: “If you put your heart into it, you will have incredible growth. It may not necessarily be fun growth, but it will be exactly what you need.”

At that instant I awoke from my dream with the strong feeling that the advice I had spoken in the dream was really for me.

I pondered for more than an hour – even skipping yoga to give me more time. The dream was filled with great symbolism, my favorite symbol of which was a bicycle with the left handlebar bent down, and a large iron chain hanging from the seat down into the gears on the rear wheel. In the dream I quickly fixed the handlebar and removed the iron chain. I figured out that both the handlebar and the chain were related to the left-brain (left-handlebar and right side of lower body). I take this part of the dream as a confirmation that my intellect has been hampered as of late, and that choosing to remove the chains from the intellect, and to lift the left handlebar back into place was related to my “Intellectual Al” healing from a few days ago. I find it interesting that this symbolism was also related to a bicycle – one of my favorite “freedom to explore” symbols.

*  *  *  *  *

Since we are in a five day retreat with the Moon Course, I am also back on a very restricted diet for five days – morning juice, early afternoon runny soup, late afternoon juice, and my evening cheat of a small peanut butter and honey sandwich. With thirty days still to go in my own silence, I don’t want to get too weak before our final ten days.

After my morning juice, I was eagerly awaiting the time to leave for my appointment with Keith.

*  *  *  *  *

I never know quite what to expect with Keith (Chocolate Shaman), because I have never gone with any type of specific agenda. But just like my other visits with this amazingly intuitive man, I did not come away disappointed. This morning’s session brought amazing growth and provided me with much needed additional confidence in my own right-brained intuitive connections.

I started out by telling Keith about my amazing roller coaster ride of the last two weeks with experimenting with energy vibrations and intuitive awareness all on my own. I then expressed a little frustration about my continued wave-riding – involving incredible energizing experiences followed by in-between lows.

After meditating on it for a minute, Keith accurately pointed out that my lows were not really lows at all – they are merely absence of the highs. I just laughed as I told him that he was right on – but that this realization did not make the “absences” any easier to deal with.

Keith then told me something that was already on the tip of my tongue, as he reiterated that the lows were actually gifts, bearing great treasures, being opportunities for even more growth. I just giggled again as I acknowledged that most of my spiritual highs come from working through and healing such “low” obstacles in my path.

I am not one to quote poetry found on bathroom walls, but this morning I made an exception. Two days ago, a small poem showed up on the door of my favorite outdoor restroom. Just this morning, I had written it down in my notebook, and had barely finished memorizing it on my way to see Keith.

Recognizing that the poem says exactly what we had just said to each other, but in a very beautiful and poetic way, I quickly blurted out the words to Keith

For some who read these words, they may seem like gibberish. For me, just a few years ago, the words would most likely been sheer nonsense. But today, these beautiful words are pure divine music to my soul, reminding me to love every experience without any judgment or attachment, no matter how bad (or how good) it may seem at the time.

Excerpt From: The Precious Treasury of the Natural State
By Longchenpa

Whatever occurs, whatever it may be,
That itself is the key,
And without stopping it, or nourishing it,
In an even flow, freely resting,
Surrendering to Ultimate Contemplation,
In Naked Pristine Purity,
We reach Consumation.
Ah!

In the midst of our discussion about “loving the lows”, Keith mentioned something about past lives and parallel lives. I immediately interrupted and queried about what he means by parallel lives – specifically asking him about my grandmother. He indicated that it is definitely possible for the same soul to exist in the same dimension in more than one body at the same time, but that he was primarily referring to parts of our self that are simultaneously occupying bodies in parallel dimensions – going through their own growth experiences at the same time.

He explained that it is quite common for our soul to seek growth experience in multiple dimensions at the same time – and that we all benefit from each others’ growth and healing – and that sometimes we even feel the confusing struggles going on in the other dimension.

After pausing for a brief meditation, Keith asked me to close my eyes, indicating that he felt prompted that I need to have an experience to illustrate this. He told me that one of my parallel lives in another dimension was stuck in a severe mental/intellectual struggle, quite similar to many that I have experienced myself in this lifetime – but that this being’s pain was even deeper and more entrenched than I have ever experienced.

“You are going to connect with this other being and help to offload some of its pain.” Keith informed me matter-of-factly. “The dense energy will pass through you on its way out, but it will not stay with you. You are perfectly safe.”

Keith went on to tell me that doing such parallel-life assisting is quite common for people whose spiritual path and connections are more advanced than mine, and that one day, when my skills are more developed, that I could do the same on my own. Keith reassured me that he would guide me through this, and that I would be OK – again emphasizing that it would be a great learning experience for me.

Keith then set me loose, telling me to connect with this other being and to see what I could feel. For the first few minutes I felt absolutely nothing – nothing except quite distracted that is. I had a hard time focusing on much of anything. I felt as if mosquitoes were biting me. Then Keith’s cat jumped up on my lap and started nudging me, demanding my attention. I felt no connection to the other being, whatsoever.

“I feel a slight twinge in my lower abdomen,” I finally volunteered to Keith. “This slightly reminds me of the beginnings of a panic attack. Is this what you are looking for?”

Keith congratulated me, indicating that I was getting closer – but then he surprised me when he told me that my sense of distraction was also coming from the other being. I hadn’t even thought about that until he said so. All I knew is that suddenly I had felt as if my mind was wandering and I could not reach any spiritual depth.

To make the story short, Keith patiently kept coaching me into the experience – one which turned out to be very unpleasant. I began to feel the symptoms of a full-fledged panic attack in my lower abdomen, and I felt even more despair and confusion – feelings with which I have been quite familiar in my own lifetime.

At this point, Keith just turned me loose and told me to do my thing. He then went almost completely silent for the next 30 minutes – leaving me totally on my own.

I kept being deeply tempted to open my eyes in frustration, asking Keith to help me make this stop – it was very unnerving to feel the growing panic and confusion – as if it were my own, but knowing that it was not. I did not want to keep going with this exercise.

Gradually, I developed a sense of deep empathy for the other person, but at the same time felt deep resentment at him or her for giving me so much discomfort. Over time, I began to get the hang of what I needed to do. Little by little, the discomfort increased, but at the same time I learned (on my own) how to deal with it. I reminded myself that my spiritual power is literally fueled by love, and I focused every ounce of my effort onto feeling loving feelings for this other being. I began to send loving feelings and messages of counsel – the same type of things I would tell to my friends, or to myself – reminding this being that the only way to solve his/her dilemma is to reconnect with their higher self – to re-center in divine love.

Then I began to realize that maybe I could help in the process. I remembered how Keith had coached me in a similar (but very different) exercise almost exactly a month ago. I began to visualize this other being’s dense energy passing through my brain and then passing out of my body. I actually felt as if the very uncomfortable energy were entering on the right side of my abdomen (and head), passing through me, and then exiting on the left side.

What confused me was that the energy continuously kept coming, and didn’t seem to be feeling any lighter. By now, I was quite uncomfortable and concerned that the energy might not leave me.

Keeping my eyes closed, I spoke for the first time in fifteen minutes, asking Keith if he was following me in my journey, and wondering if he could give me any advice on what to do.

Keith just laughed, telling me that he was tracking me quite carefully, and that I seemed to be doing a great job on my own. The only thing he advised me to do was to connect with my higher self and to ask for advice and help. Then Keith promptly left me on my own again.

“Duh” I thought to myself as I imagined myself walking over to my visualized wall, opening a window in the wall, letting the bright light in, and then talking to my higher self.

For the final fifteen minutes I focused with ever increasing concentration. In many ways, the experience reminded me of my process in breaking my past-life contract just two weeks ago. My effort was every bit as intense, but the emotion was quite different (feeling the anxiety of the other being versus the intense tear-causing emotion from two weeks ago).

Finally, after extended effort and focus, I reached a point where I felt the energy flowing through me lighten to a sense of peace and relief. I felt that the other being had at last reached a state of spiritual centeredness. But then I began to feel the doubts surface again. The patterns were quite similar to many of my own past struggles, with feelings such as “I’m feeling loving and connected … but … but … but I still don’t know what to do” type of panic.

I began to feel frustrated again as I sensed that I had done all that I could do, and that this other being was again losing their state of centering. I opened my eyes and asked Keith what to do. He told me that he believed that I was right, that I had indeed done all that I could do at this time – that I cannot take this other beings pain away; I can only help – and that I had given all the help he/she was able to receive at this time.

Keith then told me to break the connection. When I did so, my lower abdomen still felt quite anxious and twitchy. I asked Keith what was going on, reminding him that he had reassured me that none of the other being’s energy would stay with me.

“I suspect that this is your own energy that was jarred free by the experience – not energy from the other being.” Keith pointed out, before then instructing me to connect again with my higher self and ask for help in clearing the energy.

Five minutes later, after meditating with my higher-self connection, asking for help in moving this unpleasant energy up and out, I felt a deep feeling of peacefulness completely consume my abdomen. I was done and I knew it.

I opened my eyes with a huge smile, discussing my experience with Keith. I was then quite surprised when Keith asked me to reconnect with the other being one more time to see where they were at. Reluctantly, I followed his guidance and immediately felt a connection filled with joy, relief, gratitude, and peace.

“You really had an impact on that other parallel-life being.” Keith told me. He then pointed out that in that being’s perception, I was his/her higher self, providing much needed assistance. Keith then told me that often when I connect with my own higher self it very well might be another more-advanced being from a parallel dimension doing the same thing for me that I just did for someone else.

“Cool”, I thought to myself, wondering if I could do this now, on my own, without Keith’s help.

After asking Keith for his opinion on this question, he felt that based on how I handled the journey, that I probably could handle this on my own. I’m not sure I will seek this out immediately, because the experience was quite challenging and in some ways scary – but the end result was very satisfying.

After a pleasant discussion regarding everything that happened, I jokingly asked Keith “So, can you tell me just how I can get the same training that you received so that I can do what you are doing?”

“You are already getting it.” Keith replied with a grin.

“Yes, but how do I know when I am getting it?” I asked with frustration. “When I am with you, I have learned to trust my instincts, because you are there to help me interpret them, but when I am out there on my own, I don’t always have the confidence to trust.”

Keith just smiled and replied that the only difference is that he knows that he can, and I believe that I can’t – implying that I can, but I just don’t believe it yet.

“Close your eyes again.” Keith told me. “Let’s do something else.”

He then told me to go back into meditation and to ask my higher self to give me another lesson that I am ready for.

I did what Keith asked, but did not feel much of anything for a several minute period. Finally I got the courage to speak what was coming up for me, telling Keith that I didn’t feel any strong promptings, but for some reason I was having the subject of spiders brought to the forefront of my mind.

I need to interject in a few additional details here. As I have mentioned before, I have had an ongoing tug-of-war with spider bites here at Las Piramides del Ka. The issue was mostly resolved about two weeks ago when I reached a solid state of temperance regarding my “free allergy shots” – but lately I have begun getting occasional bites again. I have remained peaceful, but slightly concerned nonetheless.

Also, right in the middle of today’s session with Keith (while my eyes were closed), Keith interrupted once to tell me with amazement that a large spider somewhere up above had just finished shedding its skin, and that the empty shell of legs and body had just fallen onto a bench just a few feet away from me.  I found his description fascinating, but never even opened my eyes to look. I was deep in meditation and soon forgot about the spider incident.

Also, right before the start of today’s session, I had noticed a very large ugly spider on the wall of Keith’s bathroom when I had asked permission to use it before our extended session began.

But during our session, when I blurted out to Keith that I was getting a message popping into my head regarding spiders, none of these other spider incidents were even in my radar – I had forgotten them all – the spider feeling came from deep in my right brain intuition.

“Let’s explore this.” Keith told me, as he asked me to again close my eyes and go back to my earliest memories about spiders.

“That is easy.” I told him. “I was a 10 to 11 year old boy, sleeping in a dark basement of a cinder-block home in central Washington State. It was the exact same period in my life as when I began to seriously struggle with my gender confusions. One night I woke up with a body covered in spider bites – bites that itched horribly. For a period of time (I don’t remember how long or how often) the bites continued. That is when I first began to struggle with the issue.”

Keith then amazed me with his insights – insights that now seem so obvious. It surprised me how Keith didn’t make me solve this puzzle on my own, he just spoon fed me with what was being channeled through him – and it was brilliant.

Tears began to flow down my cheeks as he told me that those spiders had been a huge gift to me – that in many ways they had saved my life – at least my spiritual life. He pointed out how I was young, confused, scared, and had new hormones beginning to rage through my body – and that I had no one with whom I could talk about my raging gender struggles. He told me that the spiders were sent to me as a gift to distract me, to give me an outlet for expressing all of my pent up anxiety and emotional energy.

Keith said that without those spiders to help me bring up-and-out my intense internal anxiety, I most likely would have stuffed my gender anxiety energies very deeply into the bottom of my soul – and that if I had stuffed and buried that intense emotion, it probably would have had much more severe impact on the rest of my life – creating major dysfunctions from which I might not have been able to recover.

As Keith talked, tears began to stream even more strongly when I realized that the emotion from this spider insight was every bit as intense as what I experienced during “meditative discussions” with my disowned personality traits earlier this week – especially the ones with “Loud Lucy” and “Intellectual Al”.

I cannot explain what happened, but in today’s short fifteen minute meditation about spiders and in our subsequent discussion, a world of pain and fear was lifted from my shoulders. I instantaneously developed a great love for spiders and how they may have saved my emotional life – literally making it possible for me to be on the spiritual path that I am on today.

Keith walked over to the bench a few feet away from me and picked up the large spider skin – the soft featherweight shell of legs and body still completely intact and looking as ugly as ever. He handed the spider to me, placing it in the palm of my left hand. I stared at it for quite some time before actually bending over and gently kissing one of the gross ugly legs.

“Did you know that spiders are considered a very powerful totem animal in some spiritual traditions?” Keith asked.

“Do you think that the spider might be my totem animal?” I asked inquisitively.

Keith told me that he did not know the answer to that question, indicating that I would need to meditate on that one myself. But soon, he disappeared into his home and returned with a book called “Animal Speak” written by a man named Ted Andrews. He opened the book to a several-page section all about spiders. Keith handed the book to me, asking me to skim through it to see what I thought – to see what jumped out at me.

I wish I had a copy of what I read. I was literally blown away with the insights that flashed into my consciousness with almost every paragraph – insights about how spiders help to balance masculine and feminine energy, and help to stimulate creativity. Talking about the spiritual significance of their beautiful spiraling webs, and how they are both strong and fragile, etc… How I wish my memory was better. The things I read touched me deeply.

By the time I finished reading, I began to seriously believe that spiders and I may indeed have a very deep spiritual connection. I actually began to wonder if the spiders here at Las Piramides have been trying to get my attention – pushing me to develop my deeper connections and spiritual awareness – pushing me to this very discussion with Keith.

Keith promised to scan the book’s section about spiders onto his computer, telling me that I can come back later to put the images on a thumb drive so that I can have my own copy of the description. I cannot wait to get the words so that I can meditate more deeply on the insights.

As I finally left Keith’s presence, over two hours and forty-five minutes after arriving, I felt as if I were floating in the clouds. My spiritual energy was through the roof, and I felt as if I might actually be able to walk in the clouds (figuratively speaking).

Before I skipped joyfully away, I thanked Keith from the bottom of my heart for the incredible spider healing insights – and for the new intuitive tools in my spiritual backpack. Then I commented with a grin, “I think I’ll be back again in a week or two.”

*  *  *  *  *

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention. The ugly-but-beautiful spider skin is now sitting proudly on my little alter here in my room – right next to my candle, my incense burner, and my crystals.

Saturday, August 21 – 12:30 p.m.

After turning off my computer last night I remembered a few more things I wanted to say about Friday’s visit with Keith. Yes, I broke my silence for the duration of our session, but resumed immediately thereafter. My intuition tells me that this was the proper and right thing for me to do … and I have no regrets. I take my silence very seriously, but I also will never sacrifice an opportunity for incredible spiritual growth just to follow a rule. It is hard to believe that I have already into my eleventh day of silence.

In my discussions with Keith, I also gained some great insights into balance. Prior to yesterday, I had seen it as an issue that needed to be under control of the rational mind … making sure that I have the right amount of intellect to properly balance just the right amount of emotional and creative energies, etc…  This whole concept of control by the rational mind now seems so silly and bizarre as I think about it.

In discussing balance, we talked about how if you allow both sides to flow naturally then it is quite easy to make course corrections that will keep us going in the right direction. I jumped in and likened the example of balance to driving a powerboat or to flying an airplane – how if we determine that we are off course, we simply make a slight adjustment with a new heading, and we eventually get where we want to go just fine. The further off course we find ourselves, the bigger our correction needs to be, but that is all it is, a simple course correction – not some big sin.

Keith countered back with an example that I loved even more – one involving my favorite symbol of bicycles. He explained that when riding a bicycle, we don’t consciously think about how to maintain balance. In fact, if we think about it, the task becomes more difficult. Once we learn, it becomes a natural instinct, and balance is maintained subconsciously, nearly automatically. If we begin to lean in one direction or the other, we simply steer into that direction and balance is resumed. Likewise, in life, if we begin to get too much “right energy” pushing us to the left, we simply steer into the “left energy” to re-achieve balance – and it can all be on autopilot when we connect with our hearts and intuition, letting them be our guides.

The subject of balance is quite important to me right now, as I am attempting to learn how to balance all areas of my life in relation to the Tree of Life. My discussion with Keith took the “head game” out of the equation and made me realize that the balance is a natural rhythm that will occur when I open all of my aspects and then simply focus on where I want to go – focusing on to where I desire to move.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning, I paid Keith a quick visit to pick up scans of my “Spider pages” from his Animal Speak book. I love having the inspiring words on which to meditate. Some of the things I find fascinating are the following.

Spiders have a two part body, somewhat resembling a figure eight, or the infinity symbol. The number of legs, eight, is also the same spiritual number. In India, spiders are the weavers of illusion (Maya). In Greek mythology, spiders symbolize weaving, measuring, and cutting the threads of life. In some Native American traditions, spider is grandmother, the link to the past and the future.

Spiders teach us to maintain balance – between past and future, physical and spiritual, masculinity and femininity. Spiders awaken the energy of creativity and creation, keeping the feminine energies of creation alive and strong – teaching that creativity is stimulated through polarity and balance.

Spiders are the guardians of ancient languages and alphabets. The “Animal Speak book indicates that those who weave magic with the written word probably have a spider totem.

Spiders are also a symbol of death and rebirth, and are linked as a lunar symbol, with ties to the phases of the moon.

Spiders are usually very delicate, being both a combination of gentleness and strength. They walk the threads of life, maintaining balance on tiny silken threads.

As I ponder on many of these words, I recognize that the spider has indeed been a very important guide in my life, constantly pushing me along my spiritual path. I cannot wait to meditate more on these new insights – and I will for sure be spending more time staring at the magnificent spiral spider webs that are quite common here in the gardens.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning I had three memorable dreams. I won’t go into details here, as they were not especially significant, and the details are in my dream journal. One thing I do want to mention here is that one of the dreams involved five of ten seconds of lucidity before I actually found myself leaving the dream. I didn’t have time in the Lucid dream to do much of anything, but it was great to finally have another Lucid dream just to let me know that maybe I still might achieve my goals in the area of dreaming. I have had a couple of weeks with very minimal remembered dreams, but now that the full moon is approaching I seem to be remembering quite a lot. Stay tuned … for more dream reports.

Right now I am starved and it is time for my runny blended carrot soup, and then I want to go meditate.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved