(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Monday, September 6 – 6:45 p.m.
During the first half of meditation tonight, I reached a state of depth and peace that more than equals anything I have ever achieved in cross-legged traditional style meditation. I focused on doing it “my way” with presence and emotion, while at the same time sitting in the traditional position. I let go of every ounce of resistance and melted into the energy of my hands and my breath. An inspiration hit me this afternoon that I need to focus constantly on my hands. Not only will this help me stay present, helping me to feel the energy of that present moment – but I believe it will also help me as I make one more effort to practice lucid dreaming.
It only seems logical that if I constantly focus on my hands while awake – then while dreaming I will have a tendency to do the same. As I focus on my hands in a dream, I will most definitely recognize that my hands are different – astral hands are energetically different than physical hands. When I notice this difference, I hope to awaken to a lucid state.
But tonight’s most meaningful experience came during the second half of meditation. Chaty guided us through a forgiveness visualization exercise. As I visualized my father, mother, siblings, children, etc…, I felt absolutely no emotional charge whatsoever. I have felt pure love and clarity in these relationships for some time. What shocked me is when Chaty asked us to switch our focus onto a past friendship – one which was very close and which later fell apart. I have two such friendships – one was with a former business partner in a failed beauty salon venture about ten years ago. The other was a dear close friendship that blew apart in nuclear ways – perhaps six years ago.
I had immersed myself fully into the two relationships, and had then felt deeply betrayed by each. For a couple of years after each, I could not access any type of meaningful forgiveness. Then, I gradually let go of all of my pain and judgment, recognizing the incredible blessings and growth that had arisen from each experience. In the past few years, I have believed myself to have almost-completely forgiven each former friend. However, without fail, each time I have imagined myself bumping into either of these former friends in a social situation, I have felt great hesitancy and awkwardness in my heart. I definitely could never have visualized myself walking up to either of these friends to actually give them a genuine loving hug.
What literally blew me away tonight is that, as I envisioned both friendships, I actually saw myself walking right up to them in public, giving each a huge genuine hug – a bear hug filled with loving emotions. Then I actually imagined myself genuinely looking at them, with tears in my own eyes, and asking them for their forgiveness for the way I had abandoned the friendship – for the way I had run away with such hurt and angry feelings.
Whatever internal healing that I did during this past week has worked miracles in my inner soul. I feel as if I have let go of all judgment – all projection of blame and guilt onto others. I feel so free.
How I pray that this amazing sense of love and freedom persists.
* * * * *
Today has been every bit as wonderful as was tonight’s meditation. I have accessed a new sense of simply being present – not being concerned with the past or the future – simply trusting. I also feel a strong renewed interest in the Kabala Tree of Life and in my spiritual quest her at the Pyramids. During last week’s struggles, I grew quite apathetic about the Kabala, Tarot, and other things that I have been studying. I love the fact that my enthusiasm for my 40 days has now returned.
This afternoon, I also doubled my efforts in focusing on my dreaming skills. I feel like a whole new person – reborn in some way.
What is wonderful is that I am not on top of some spiritual high, riding the heights of a big wave. I feel as if I am sitting in a relaxing pond with a mirror-like surface, simply watching the ripples go by. In fact, during meditation tonight, I envisioned myself sitting in a beautiful “Cenote” (underground pool in the Yucatan). Specifically, I felt myself sitting in one of the two famous ones near Valladolid – the one with the tiny little fish that will come up and chew on your dead skin if you sit very still. For much of meditation, I visualized myself sitting in the calm glassy water of that cenote, with tiny little fish energetically munching away on my past emotional baggage.
* * * * *
Just prior to meditation tonight, I decided to do a quick Tarot reading on myself to see where the cards might say that I am at in my development process. As you may recall from my previous writings, there are 78 cards in a Tarot deck, with 22 of them being classified as “Major Arcana” cards. These Major Arcana cards represent various states of growth and development on our spiritual path in returning to our divine source. Just 28% of the deck is in this category. In addition to their normal meaning, selecting a large concentration of these cards indicates a great deal of spiritual support on one’s journey.
I took extra effort to offer up a genuine sincere prayer before shuffling the cards. Then, while selecting them, I focused with great intuitive effort, double checking my intuition several times before locking in on any particular card. I used a combination of spiritual intuition and energy fluctuations in my palms as I selected each card.
I chose a simple spread – selecting three cards to represent my path of the previous week, three more cards to represent my path of this immediate week, and a final three cards to symbolize my path of next week.
When I turned my chosen cards face up, shivers ran up and down my spine.
Every one of the first six cards were all Major Arcana, along with one more of the final three. In a deck with only 28% Major Arcana, I had selected 78% of my cards from that category. Random odds are quite against this happening. But it was not just the fact that the cards were Major Arcana cards that sent vibrations through my soul – it was the exact choices of those cards that delighted my energy channels.
As anyone who read my last blog entry knows, I spent most of this last week struggling with deep issues of confusing judgment, negative feelings, and trying to find Temperance (the ability to be peaceful no matter what goes on around you). Silly little present day events were causing me to subconsciously dredge up buried emotional pain from the past and to project it outward onto people whom I love in the present.
To represent last week’s path, the three cards that I pulled were the Wheel of Fortune card, the Temperance card, and the Tower card. The first represents beginnings of powerful movement and growth. The second is obvious – I was working on Temperance lessons and I pulled the Temperance card. But the third card literally sealed the deal. The Tower card symbolizes destruction of all that is “of this physical world” that no longer serves you – including letting go of negativity and ego. Those three cards were absolutely perfect in describing last week.
To represent this week’s path, I pulled the Star card, the World (Universe) card, and the Magician card. Again, these three cards deeply inspire me. The Star card represents the return to a more divine understanding of Temperance after having gone through a difficult test to show that one truly is able to find peace in difficult circumstances. The World card represents completion of a great step in one’s spiritual path. It is the last of the Major Arcana. Then, the Magician card (card number one) represents a new beginning in my spiritual journey – a young magician just starting out on his journey of growth, discovery, and transformation as he seeks to return to his divine roots. Again, each of these cards feels perfect. I am primed and ready to take Temperance to an entirely new level of divine connection, and I truly feel that the healing I passed through last week was indeed a completion of a major step in my growth path. I am anxious to jump back into the role of that young magician and to start yet another cycle of deep and meaningful transformation and growth.
The three future cards leave me guessing a little bit. The first was the Knight of Pentacles, representing new growth and changes in my physical reality. The second was the Heirophant card, a Major Arcana card that represents spirituality – but this particular card also represents the secret keys of the Tree of Life. My final card was the King of swords – representing deep clarity and dominion over the realm of the mind. I am anxious to see where this all takes me, but for now, I will focus on the present, merely using today’s tarot reading as a powerful barometer to remind me that I do have a great deal of spiritual support, and that this support system is indeed helping me to grow – one precious moment at a time.
My promptings are quite clear right now – stay out of the future, leave the past behind me, and live in every moment – watching my breathing, my vibration levels, and simply “being”. I cannot wait to see what tonight and tomorrow bring.
Wednesday, September 8 – 10:30 a.m.
During the last couple of moon cycles, I have noticed that I have almost no memorable dreams during the two weeks that wrap around the new moon. Most of my dreams have been coming during the latter part of the week before a full moon, and then continuing through the subsequent week.
As I mentioned earlier, I am feeling a profound sense of urgency to redouble my dreaming efforts. Much of the focus of the Sun Course is on discovering the hidden mystical secrets of the Kabala Tree of Life – and in then using those hidden secrets to access personal mystical experiences that will literally change how we see life. Using the subconscious knowledge that we acquire from lucid dreams and astral travel is a very valuable tool in finding these hidden secrets – the dilemma being that I have been coming up quite empty in those areas. When I hear of other’s incredible lucid dreams, etc…, I tend to begin feeling as if I should be in the resource or remedial class for less gifted students.
While I recognize that all of my up and down growth experiences have been very timely, extremely valuable, and at times quite profound, I still feel as if I am lacking in the area of accessing and using those hidden secrets. Perhaps I have already found the secrets but just do not recognize them yet because I am blind and they are right in front of my face. Perhaps I am on a completely different page of reality and will never discover those secrets.
I have found myself lately wondering if such secrets even exist – kind of labeling them as sour grapes, not really something I care about anyway. But something inside tells me that those grapes must be real, and they are indeed the most scrumptious grapes that anyone has ever tasted.
I walk a fine line. On one side of the line is my strong belief that I simply need to be present in each moment, trusting the universe to show me things when I am ready – trusting that everything is exactly as it should be. On the other side of that line, I am panicking, thinking – “oh no, I only have 12 days left, and I feel as if I have squandered the first 28 days of my silence. I need to focus, work, do, perform, meditate, cram, push until I meet the goal … There must be something I am not doing – or perhaps doing wrong.
Beginning on Monday, I have been making a valiant effort to manifest and to create more powerful dreams – even though I am smack dab in the middle of the New Moon cycle. I decided that moon cycles do not matter, and that I will dream – and I will learn from those dreams.
Monday night I again came up empty, but last night was a completely different story. I had a quite powerful dream – two of them in fact. The details on the first one are sketchy, but I remember enough to find deep meaning. The second dream, at 5:00 a.m., seemed so profound and obvious that I believed I had already written it down previously. When I returned from the restroom, I could not – and still cannot – remember even the tiniest details of that second astral encounter.
Fleeting Deadlines
In the first dream I was in some type of present-day setting connected to the pyramids. Before me on the floor were preliminary designs for a poster that needed to be drawn up – a poster that I had committed to create. I was feeling quite rushed as I realized that I have less than two weeks to go in order to finish the artwork. Someone had given me some sketchy drawings – a smaller drawing of a white home sitting up on top of a small hill – and a larger drawing of a lake surrounded by mountains. Intuitively, I knew that I was supposed to combine these two drawings in a meaningful way, but I had procrastinated.
There is a fellow Sun Course member with me – I never saw her presence, but I intuitively felt her, and I believe it was Sandra. Soon, Chaty walks up to me in her flowing white robes and her beautiful black braids partially covered with a little white cap.
She looks at the preliminary sketches and reminds me that I agreed to do this work and we are now in crunch mode. She told me that this is a poster for a version of the movie “The Titanic” that we are making here at the pyramids. Such statements seemed perfectly normal while in the dream.
Soon, I realized that we were all late for meditation. I jumped onto my bicycle and told Sandra I would meet her at the temple. I noticed that Chaty was playing with a beautiful young girl – also dressed in white. As I approached her, I had the impression that this was Chaty’s granddaughter, even though I have no idea if Chaty has any grandchildren. But as I got near her to remind her that it was time for meditation, I noticed that the woman was not Chaty at all. This woman was much younger, and had shorter blonde hair.
I again returned to my bicycle and began riding – feeling as if my time was running out.
As I awoke and meditated on this dream, the meaning was obvious. There are creative right-brained projects that I subconsciously agreed to do while here in the Sun Course, and I am now running out of time. I need to honor my commitments to my self.
Asking For Help
As I sat in meditation this morning, I pondered deeply on the dream and what it might be telling me. I was quite confused because I have felt quite deeply for some time that what I need is to immerse myself into the moment and to simply flow with present promptings – yet this dream seemed to be telling me that I am missing out – slacking a wee bit.
After weighing the two confusing messages, I felt strong guidance telling me that “Yes, you need to be fully present and flow with your promptings – but you also need to open your mind and heart with a deeper curiosity.
It hit me quite profoundly that I still tend to think that I know the answers and that there is nothing “out there” to look for. True, it is indeed all an “inside job” – but there is still a great deal of work to be done in completing that inside job. One of the biggest spiritual traps that I continue to repeatedly fall into is in thinking that I have arrived – or that perhaps I am close to arriving.
Curiosity – curiosity – burning curiosity. That is what I am missing. I have still not fully learned the lesson of my dream that profoundly told me “Forget everything you know” and “Lower your defenses.”
Another insight that came up for me in meditation is that I continue to stubbornly refuse to ask for help. As I pondered this issue, I was reminded of a psychological exercise that we did in one of my classes while working on my Masters degree. In that exercise, we were blindfolded and guided to a small rope. Our guide instructed us to grab onto the rope, and to follow the rope wherever it leads until we find the end. When we find the end of the rope, we can let go.
I was quite the clever one, and was going to figure this out all by myself. It soon became quite obvious that the rope was a large circular loop – running from this tree to that pole over there, and then back to this tree over here, and then back to the starting point. I must have looped around that continuous rope at least fifteen or twenty times, stubbornly searching for the clue to what I now figured must be some type of riddle. Little by little I realized that my other classmates had left the continuous loop (something we could only do when we found the end).
Eventually, I realized that I was the only one still stubbornly searching – the only one still groping around in my dark blindfold. Finally, in complete frustration and near desperation, I asked one of the guides nearby “Can you please help? Can you please help me find the end?”
Immediately, the guide told me that I could let go, that I was now done.
I was actually quite annoyed to learn that the entire exercise was merely to teach the lesson that it is important to ask for help when you need it. Perhaps I was a little embarrassed too as I realized that I was the last one in my class to realize that I did not have the answer within me – the last one to finally ask for help.
(Please remember as you read this that I absolutely LOVE Chaty).
As I meditated, I realized that I have had a small chip on my shoulder throughout the Sun Course – a chip that started during my Moon Course. I have repeatedly mentioned that Chaty has a very hands-off approach – but she is definitely quite approachable. I have seen a few of my classmates approach her and get personal attention. But for some reason, I have consistently refused to do so.
“She should know that I need help.” I would frequently think to myself with a frustrated attitude. “I should not have to approach her to ask for help or feedback … she should simply offer it.”
How silly is that?
I actually felt quite stupid when I realized how prideful and stubborn I have been – refusing to ask for help or guidance because “I shouldn’t have to ask.”
Channeling Miracles
Monday morning, we continued with our channeling practice. Unlike our Saturday session where we wrote down the messages that came to us, Chaty had asked us to speak Monday’s messages out loud. Even though I had a beautiful experience on Saturday, I found myself again immersed in deep resistance – not wanting to speak my personal messages aloud for others to hear (even though I do it all the time here in my writing).
Finally, being one of the last to speak up, I began to talk very quietly. The words that were coming to me were things like “Why are you so afraid? Why are you resisting so much? Trust us. Open your heart. Open your mind. Don’t be afraid. …” etc…
For about ten minutes, I struggled with saying much more than this. Then I noticed that Sandra, sitting right next to me, began to channel exactly what I needed to hear, taking my “don’t be afraid” and “quit resisting” messages considerably deeper. For the remainder of class time, tears were flowing down my cheeks as I listened to Sandra’s beautiful words while still barely whispering my own words in a weakly-audible tone. There was no doubt in my heart that Sandra was channeling for my benefit. I gave her a huge hug after class, whispering “Thank you” quietly in her ear.
In Tuesday’s class, we had an impromptu discussion with Chaty, talking about our experiences during our previous two classes. I told Chaty of my deep resistance and how angry I had felt on Friday. Then I mentioned how my resistance had literally melted away as the messages began to flow through my pen on Saturday. Then I again talked about how difficult it was for me to channel out loud. Finally, I mentioned my awareness that Sandra seemed to be channeling my guides for me – speaking the words that I needed to hear.
Sandra then spoke up and acknowledged that she felt that this is exactly what she was doing – not just for me but for everyone else in the room. It was quite the amazing confirmation for me.
Today (Wednesday), I was quite surprised in class when Chaty told us that we were going to do some more channeling practice – but quite pleased when she told us that we could write or speak – whatever our heart wanted to do. I immediately grabbed my notebook – knowing that my preferred medium was writing.
As soon as we finished the preparatory steps – opening of channels, prayer, connecting with our guides, etc – I began to scribble away. I began much the same as on Saturday – first writing from my perspective of resistance. But almost immediately, the words hit my paper as if they were being given to me.
Following is what I wrote. Again, like the words in my last blog posting, this is word for word what went to my paper, with only punctuation changes.
* * * * *
I feel so lost, so alone, so helpless. I need guidance. Please guide me.
Your pride is a big block in your learning and progress. Apathy developed over 55 years is also an issue. You have lost much of your desire of curiosity and your quest for knowledge.
You need to balance between experience and searching. Yes, you need do nothing and can simply experience, but yes, you must also search with curiosity. You must want to learn something. You cannot just sit back and wait for us to bring something to you. You must bring questions to us. Even if you do not have any questions, then ask us what questions you should have. You have less than two weeks to go and you have not yet drawn the creative artwork that you agreed to draw – the lessons in creativity and learning that you still resist. (Referring to this morning’s dream.)
Why do you resist? Because of pride and thinking you already know. Because you think Chaty or we should come to you – catering to you. Yes, we have come to you and given you many powerful jump starts through dreams and intuition, but you need to be proactive and search these experiences out rather than simply waiting for us.
You have done perfectly so far, in spite of your resistance. You have learned and processed many powerful lessons, but it is time to drop your fear and your pride and to embrace “not knowing” with burning curiosity.
You need to seek out growth like never before. You need to be an active sponge, looking for information to absorb. Yes, we said “information” – you need the intellect – you can do absolutely nothing without it – but you need to seek that information, integrate that information, with an air of joyful curiosity and love.
Yes, you have the keys, but you are stuck in an ego battle and refusing to seek additional help. You cannot do this alone, and we are waiting patiently for you to involve us in the process – not the other way around.
What are you so afraid of? Why do you resist so? You know we are all here cheering you on. You know this with every fiber of your soul – yet you push us away because you are bored or tired. Yes, you have grown as fast as you could – and it has been perfect.
Raise your vibrations, ask questions, listen for the answers, act on those answers. Do this in each moment as your heart directs.
You are but an infant, with so much growth to go. Never believe that you have arrived.
* * * * *
I put my notebook down as I realized that my words had dried up. Almost immediately, I began to notice the spoken words of Marcel on my left. His words seemed to be directed straight toward me. After a few sentences streamed beautifully by, I realized that I needed to write down what he was saying. Then, amazingly, whenever Marcel paused, Sandra jumped in from my right side and said a few deeply profound statements.
It was as if I had my guides speaking to me in a very personal way, coming at me from both sides, in an out-loud voice. My pen was scribbling nonstop. I captured all of what Sandra spoke, but was unable to record every word that came from Marcel’s tongue.
I apologize to both Sandra and Marcel for publishing their private words here in my journal – but I literally feel as if those words were indeed meant for my ears, and I hope my dear friends will understand.
Following is the remainder of my channeling scribbles – again, this is word for word with what ended up on my paper:
* * * * *
Marcel: The Sun is your father. The Moon is your mother, and the earth is your nursemaid. Your family exists within the tree. Transcend the personality …
Sandra: Be not afraid. Rejoice and live from your heart.
Marcel: The Sun is your father. The moon is your mother and the earth is your nursemaid.
Sandra: Let out pure love which is in your heart. Be not afraid to express your heart.
Marcel: The spiritual family exists within the tree. You are in the tree and the tree is in you. It is who you are. Love and harmony surround you.
Sandra: Let the bird fly free. Let it soar through the sky.
Marcel: Listen to how creation expresses itself, moment by moment. There are no mistakes. Only love exists, for love is the essence that permeates our life. Anything else is false, an illusion. Let the Sun shine forth, let the swallows dance in the air as they carry the childhood message.
Sandra: Never forget your inner child – to dance, to laugh, and to play. Let her be free.
Marcel: Open to the healing energies, those of the group. Smell the roses. Let the emanations of Venus shine forth. Breathe into the sounds of the light.
Sandra: Sing your songs. The spirit of the Lord is with you.
These words flowed through me: This is your private dream. Everyone around you is part of your dream, your growth path – all actors on the stage – your supporting cast.
Sandra: Hear the Spirit of the Lord in your voice.
Me: Everything is here for you – you – yes you – but you have to open your eyes to it – your soul – your curiosity – your very being and essence. Trust the words and messages.
Sandra: Be not afraid to open your heart and express all that needs to be expressed. The spirit is with you.
* * * * *
Tears had been flowing down my cheeks through this whole process. I was still crying as class ended. I simply sat there and let the tears flow. Sandra walked over and gave me a hug, then returned to her little stool and began writing. I looked up and noticed that two of my other classmates were also still sitting in the room.
Feeling overwhelmed with what had just taken place, definitely knowing that all the words that I heard around me were aimed at me, I continued to cry while I wrote the following:
“Wow – what a powerful experience with Sandra and Marcel channeling such beautiful things on both sides of me – I truly feel like they were channeling my guides to me – for me – responding to my plea for help. Why do I resist so?”
As I sat pondering my words, Sandra stood up again, holding the piece of paper she had been scribbling on. It was a beautiful note for me – a beautiful, powerful note just for me. It read:
“A message for you: I can feel your energy next to me and how you are fighting yourself. There is a big wall you need to break down to be able to just let go and RELEASE. A lot of what I was saying felt like it was for you … I was trying to guide you with my song to just let go. I Love You.”
I giggled and showed her what I had just written.
My heart simply melted.
That Silly Wall
So exactly what is it that I am fighting?
I wish I could clearly answer this question – but the answers are still fuzzy. I do know that every time I feel like I am approaching some type of huge spiritual breakthrough that my two old friends, Fear and Ego, both make a noticeable entry into my awareness.
Their entry is no longer grand and pompous – it is often so subtle that I barely notice – if at all. Yet they are there just the same. I am reminded of Mary Ann Williamson’s famous quote – powerful words that state “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” Yes, I do believe that I am still afraid of my light. I am deeply and genuinely obsessed with discovering that light – yet something about actually reaching the light is still very intimidating – especially to Ego. “What will happen? How will that change my life? etc…”
I often struggle, even with my writing. I have full spiritual confirmation that writing is what I need to be doing – that writing is absolutely what I HAVE TO BE doing. I don’t think I could sleep at night if I were not following my promptings to write.
Yet, writing a blog for the world to read is a double-edged sword. The very act of writing about my most intimate thoughts, glorious experiences, and deepest emotional struggles – yes, the very act of writing causes me to subtly change the way I live. I often find myself approaching a situation in such a way that I can write about it later. This faintly hampers the spontaneity, and causes me to do things ever so slightly differently. The very act of exposing myself publicly exposes me to Ego thoughts of trying to “dress it up in pretty presentation.” Ego just has to make sure that everything that I write passes her “that is OK to say” filter.
Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% genuine and sincere in my writing – but if I am honest with myself, Ego is indeed present as a constant filter, even when dumping my deepest of emotional struggles.
So, between pride, stubbornness, fear, and Ego, I think we have the “wall” that Sandra was referring to.
I genuinely and desperately want to find my light – but fear continues to throw up roadblocks. Then pride tells me that I should be able to do it on my own, and stubbornness jumps in to tell me that I should definitely not need to ask for help.
How do I transcend this wall?
That is yet to be seen, but I know the journey will be filled with growth. As I face this wall, I am once again beginning my journey at the beginning. I am that innocent little “Magician” card, determined to find my way back home.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved