(As per my post “Finding The Balance”, all of my blog entries up through the end of my Sun Course (Sept 21) will be raw journal entries. I want to continue writing, but will not have the time to do so in my normal polished manner.)
Monday, September 20 – 7:15 p.m.
I find it extremely difficult to believe that tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m., we will have our final graduation ceremony for the Sun Course. The time has passed so rapidly, and I feel as if I have barely scratched the surface of what I had hoped to accomplish.
After posting yesterday’s blog entry, I have been attempting to focus fully on maintaining a dedicated meditative spirit throughout these final 48 hours – but my mental state has been wandering – constantly flitting from one thing to the next. For much of these last 24 hours, the peaceful presence of that illusive present moment has been increasingly difficult to maintain.
I actually went to morning yoga and evening meditation today – even though I had originally intended to focus on simply being “me with myself”. Both classes helped to distract me from the building mental chatter – but my mind seems to have lost interest in further meditation. Instead, my mind seems determined to jump in and start judging my experience.
Ego wants to pound its chest and proclaim that my Sun Course was a failure – that I have wasted three months because I did not find the secrets of the Kabala Tree of Life, and because I only had a few lucid dreams, and I never succeeded at astral travel – not even once.
I believe it is time to have a little sit-down with that Ego to remind it of many of the incredible accomplishments that we (Ego and I) have made during these past 92 days. For starters, I need to remind Ego that finding the Keys of the Tree of Life was never our goal. From day one, it was clear that I was doing the Sun Course with an attitude, and that I was 100% unattached to what my spiritual growth might look like. I was here to listen to Spirit, to live in the present, and to follow promptings – period.
Yes, I had high hopes of more lucid dreaming and astral travel experiences – but I still have the rest of my life to explore those possibilities. I suspect that variations of such experiences may be in my future – but I am fully open to the opposite reality as well. For all I know, I may have been given that amazing “we are in astral” dream last March merely as a way to peak my interest and my willingness to submit myself to three months of Sun Course participation. I may not have surrendered to Spirit – choosing to do the Sun Course – had it not been for that dream.
One thing I do need to emphasize is that I spent a great deal of time during the last three months living in that astral realm. I did not even connect the dots until recently – but every night dream – even when not lucid – does indeed take place in the astral realms. During these past 92 days, I have had numerous, frequent, and powerful dreams that have given me considerable emotional and spiritual guidance.
Growth Summary
In an effort to pull it all together – to put Ego in its place – I think that tonight I will skim through my writing of the past three months and put together a list of reasons why I can be grateful that I followed my promptings to spend 92 amazing days living here in the Sun Course at Las Piramides del Ka.
Number 1: First of all, I have made some incredible friendships – both with fellow participants in my Moon and Sun Courses, and also with many of the local people who live here in San Marcos.
When I first arrived in San Marcos late last April, I did not know anyone, and I was not at all impressed with the place. Now I love the surroundings and feel completely at home. I am so deeply grateful for my new friends – friends who have touched my life in multitudes of ways – and friends who I suspect will continue to play major roles in my future. If I were playing the poker tables in Las Vegas right now, I would feel quite comfortable in betting large sums of money on the fact that two of my recently deepened friendships will have major impacts on my future – one is my beautiful young friend and adopted spiritual-daughter Sandra, from Australia – the other is with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman.
Both are now my favorite Spiritual Teachers. Both have changed my life forever.
Number 2: For the first time in my life, I actually have an appreciation of the symbolism of the four elements. Having jumped from Mormon beliefs into the world of atheism, and then into the beautiful world of A Course In Miracles, I had never previously understood why Fire, Air, Water, and Earth have such a prominent role in the symbolism of so many spiritual traditions – especially with indigenous people around the world. During my three months of studying the Tree of Life, I have gained a deep understanding for these, and many other, rich symbolisms. Yes, these elements are all part of the illusory Universe in which we live – but as long as we find ourselves subject to the laws of the physical Universe, it is important to learn to interact with that universe in a way that will help us to draw closer to the spiritual energies that will guide us toward awakening.
In fact, the entire Tree of Life itself is nothing but a powerful symbol of how creation works in this dynamically changing Universe – and in our own bodies.
Number 3: I am not sure what role the things that I have learned about Kabala, Tarot, Astrology, etc… will play in my future life – but even if I were to never study any of these subjects ever again, I am deeply grateful for how the process of studying them has already blessed my life.
First, the rich symbolism has added greatly to my symbolic understanding of the subconscious world – giving me a whole new set of tools for my guides to use when communicating with me through dreams and other means.
But one of the most incredible things that the Kabala Tree of Life has taught me is about the importance of balance in my life – too much of an “unbalanced good” energy can be like a virus – and at the other extreme, not making the difficult and restricting choices can be equally as paralyzing to my progress.
Also in the area of balance, I have deeply internalized the lesson that creative energies need the structure of the intellect to bring them to reality – and that the intellect absolutely must be balanced with Christ-like love and with creativity, or it is sterile. Both are needed.
Number 4: During the first half of my Sun Course, as a result of dreams, past-life regressions, and deep internal intuitive guidance, I was prompted to make some extremely difficult decisions regarding my finances – gut-wrenching decisions that deeply impacted others that I love as well. Amazingly, I found the balance to address those issues from a perspective of unconditional love – and my heart peacefully reassures me that everyone will end up growing from the process. I seriously doubt if I could have found the courage to take these difficult steps had it not been for the deep spiritual guidance that flowed through my heart during the past 92 days.
Number 5: Beginning in my Moon Course, I realized that I was finally maturing spiritually to the point that I had the courage to fully be myself – in every way. As I published my “Speaking My Truth” blog entry right before beginning the Sun Course, I honestly felt as if I had accomplished a huge milestone in my life. But I realize now that I was still in the starting blocks of such growth. My Sun Course experiences have taught me so much about myself – giving me so much more courage to be my own unique self in every way. I believe that it is now time to crawl out of my crib and continue this stair-stepping growth at yet another level.
Number 6: Physically, I still have a considerable distance to travel before I can twist myself into a yoga-pretzel like many of my younger counterparts here in San Marcos. Yes, I still have aches and tight muscles – especially in the hips and right shoulder – but during the past three months I have taken my body many leaps and bounds beyond where I was on June 21. I lovingly pushed through many deep aches and pains. My physical progress seems quite slow at times, but I am much stronger, and more flexible in so many ways. Even if I were to ignore all of my other growth, the physical changes alone would make the Sun Course worth my time.
Number 7: Yes, I frequently continue to struggle with traditional meditation – but at least I actually do meditate now. I am getting consistently better at quieting my mind and focusing on simply being. I will definitely be increasing my own personal “active style” of meditation, but I also feel a deep personal commitment toward maintaining my new habit of traditional style meditation. I believe that over time, I will develop an even deeper appreciation of traditional meditation techniques.
Number 8: Even though I still seem to be at a loss to create amazing energy experiences at will – I have had some incredible adventures with energy in my body during these past three months. I know that the Universe has blessed me with many glimpses of what is possible as far as energy movement throughout my physical being – and I fully expect that my energy explorations will continue to expand. My eyes have been opened to new possibilities. Much of what seemed impossible to me in June, now seems normal and everyday. My energy sensitivity – especially in my hands – has never been greater.
Number 9: My intuitive abilities have seemed to have skyrocketed during these past 92 days. Yes, I still have many “off moments” where I am at the bottom of a wave, feeling disconnected from the spiritual flow – but when I am connected to my intuitions, I seem to be much more deeply connected than ever before. Intuition tells me that this growth will not only continue, but will increase in the future.
Number 10: One area that has literally blessed my life is in the area of emotional healing. I began the Sun Course believing that I had already dealt with all of my past emotional baggage. Wow, was I ever wrong. It never ceases to amaze me how many buried emotions still live down below the radar of consciousness. My growth in releasing and processing still deeply-buried emotions has been amazing.
Number 11: Another area of growth that has blown me away is that of personality development – especially in the area of judgmental projections (taking disliked parts of myself and projecting them onto others as being bad, wrong, evil, disgusting, repulsive, etc…). As I began the Sun Course, I actually had the impression that I was quite advanced down my growth path in the area of “not judging others”. Wow, was I ever wrong. During these past 92 days, I have been blessed with huge growth opportunities that have helped me fine-tune my non-judgment skills. Repeatedly, I have learned to “own” my judgments, to turn them around, and to find the internal cause buried deep inside me. It always has been and always will be an “Inside Job”.
Number 12: My lessons in Temperance (finding peace in every situation) have also been profound. I have learned to deal with spiders, mosquito bites, pinched nerves, flip-flopping and gurgling intestines, barking dogs, blaring loud-speakers from local church services, and the list goes on. Of course I am not perfect in this area, but compared to where I was three months ago, I deserve to be in the Temperance Hall of Fame.
Number 13: I have learned that I can indeed “lucid dream” if I put my mind to it. I had one incredible lucid dream, plus a handful of experiences where I began to go lucid but was just too excited to maintain myself inside the dream. In the non-lucid category, I have begun to remember on average anywhere from one to three dreams every night. A great number of them seem meaningless, but on a consistent basis, I find deep symbolism in some – symbolism that is beginning to guide my growth processes on a more consistent basis.
Number 14: I have been far from perfect in my silence. I made the occasional slip-up, and often found myself still talking out loud to myself. Perhaps the most difficult thing is that we frequently needed to speak during our 8:30 a.m. class, almost every day – breaking up the continuity of our silence. It was not until these final seven days that I have really found out what it is like to be completely silent.
Even so, I have had many amazing experiences with learning to see the world in new ways. Perhaps my favorite were my breakfast experiences where I simply played with and observed the honey bees – excited bees that got stuck in a honey jar. I would love to say that these types of precious “in the moment” experiences happened every day – but they didn’t. Yet, when they did happen, they were amazing – priceless. I will never forget them.
Number 15: I already mentioned Keith in the friend category – but I have to mention him again. While the lessons I have learned about myself during the Sun Course have been invaluable – I think the most powerful events that has happened to me during the past three months have been my encounters outside of the Sun Course – my group and private sessions with Keith, The Chocolate Shaman. Had it not been for my Sun Course friends, I may never have found him.
This man has helped me to learn some amazing things about myself. I could write for hours about the sessions and the lessons I learned regarding my intuition and energy fields – but wait – I already did. My blog is filled with numerous such growth stories in working with Keith.
I cannot predict what my future holds, but I know without any doubts that my time here in San Marcos would have been worth it had I done nothing more than simply go through the experiences that I had with Keith. The exciting part is that my intuition is deeply guiding me to remain in San Marcos for an extended period of time – gleaning every lesson I can possibly learn from this amazing intuitive man. Only time will tell how much more amazing growth I have under Keith’s guidance.
* * * * *
It is late and I am exhausted. I could go on with this list for many more pages and still just scratch the surface of the lessons I have learned during my last three months.
What I have managed to do here in the past couple of hours is to push that annoying nay-saying Ego firmly out of the way, successfully reminding myself that I have no regrets – none whatsoever – regarding my amazing adventures of the Sun Course. No, I did not “do it all” – but this just gives me more to look forward to in the future – and wow, did I ever have some amazing experiences.
Thursday, September 23 – 2:30 p.m.
I’m still here at the pyramids. The ride of the past two days has been wonderful. Tuesday morning, after meditating in our final 8:30 a.m. class, Chaty turned the remaining time over to us – time to express our love and gratitude for our experiences of the past three months.
My heart radiated with love as each of us in my amazing Sun Course group took turns sharing our thoughts and feelings. Again, determined to climb out of my observation-mode shell, I was the third to share. The “old me” would most likely have waited to be near the last. Several times during our heart-felt sharing, my eyes watered up with joyful emotion for the powerful loving bond that I felt in that beautiful little pyramid temple.
Immediately after leaving the temple, our family of eight set off to a nearby restaurant – a beautiful little restaurant just past the west end of town – a delightful spot with an unbelievably gorgeous view across the lake. For several hours we feasted together – both with words and with food. Narkis made a wonderfully inspired suggestion, requesting that we all take turns sharing a little about our growth, how our experience has changed our life, and where we are going from here. What ensued was a continuous series of precious moments – moments of bonding – moments of love – moments of laughter – moments of joy – and even a few moments of tears.
Then, with less than an hour to rest, we all met again in the midst of a torrential downpour as we prepared to walk up the nearby hill for a special meditation service with Chaty.
I have mentioned before that during our Sun Course, Chaty received guidance to start a new series of 40 day retreats – and that these retreats would be in a small building at the top of the hill where I often go hiking to be alone. Chaty had hoped that remodeling of the new center would be ready to do a full energy clearing/blessing ceremony by Sept 21, but the preparations were slightly behind schedule. So instead, about 12 of us gathered for a powerful meditation and channeling session, with our only goal being to raise the energy vibrations of the new “pyramids 2” property.
We sat in an oval-shaped circle on the third floor of a wobbly-feeling attic – a place that very soon will be a little meditation temple for the new retreat center. All dressed in white, we sat on the still rough-and-bare wooden floor, basking in the Spiritual Energy as Chaty guided us through the once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Still not wanting to be apart from each other, our group then went out for a socially-delightful dinner at the Japanese restaurant. As I finally returned to my room around 11:30 p.m on Tuesday evening, I was both energized and exhausted at the same time.
* * * * *
Wednesday morning, I was utterly amazed when I awoke at 3:43 a.m., after having slept soundly for nearly four and a half hours straight – nonstop – without waking even once. Even more amazing was the fact that my alarm was set for 3:45 a.m., but I had woken up on my own just two minutes early.
Katie needed to rush home to participate in a friend’s wedding, and had arranged for a private shuttle to meet her up on the main road at 4:00 a.m. – a shuttle that would whisk her off non-stop to the airport in Guatemala City – a trip of about 3.5 hours.
I had already said my goodbyes the night before, but as we were talking I felt a strong prompting to volunteer to help Katie carry her luggage up the steep cobble-stone path at 4:00 a.m.. As it turned out, three of us escorted our dear friend. The trail was pitch-black, and dogs were barking everywhere. I felt so privileged to have the opportunity for one last hug from Katie as she became the first of our new family to head off on her own.
Back in bed, I tried to go back to sleep, but ended up mostly meditating. Finally, at 6:00 a.m., I sat up on the edge of my bed and began reading more of my Sacred Geometry book. As usual, the reading took on the feel of a meditation that energized me with love and vibrating energy. I feel so drawn towards continued reading and study of Sacred Geometry.
Shortly after 7:00 a.m., our energetic little Sun-Course family set off on another adventure together. We hiked nearly four miles around the southwestern end of Lake Atitlan, following the sometimes-paved, sometimes-mud-and-stream-covered road all the way to the larger town of San Pedro. The hike took us a little over 3:00 hours – hours that passed ever so quickly because we hardly stopped visiting through the entire hike.
After a delightful group breakfast in San Pedro, we split up to run our own errands. Sandra and I soon caught a launch together, heading back to San Marcos with a mission in mind. We had decided to go house hunting together. We decided to see what was available in the one and two bedroom ranges – and then, depending on what we found, we would either choose a two-bedroom place to share, or we would rent two separate one-bedroom places as close to each other as possible.
We chased down leads for most of the afternoon, and by 5:15 p.m. on Wednesday evening, we both felt strongly energized with the prompting that we would rent the first place that we had looked at – a lovely little modern two-bedroom apartment space occupying much of the second floor of a newer building right in the center of San Marcos. After having seen this place first and having felt its radiating energy, every other place that we visited simply fell far short of impressing us.
For only $400 per month ($200 each), we will have two large private bedrooms (with comfortable bed and furniture), a new modern kitchen area, a private bathroom with hot shower, and a large living room – plus there is a beautiful yard just outside where we can sit to read or meditate.
Craving more speaking time together, the remaining seven of my new Spiritual family got together for a shared Wednesday-night dinner and movie night. Several of my cohorts cooked delicious soups, rice, vegetables, etc…, and we ate a yummy dinner together in our outdoor dining area – complete with candlelight and never-ending bonding conversation.
Then, shortly after 8:00 p.m., we gathered in the small library here at the pyramids – enjoying the DVD “The Majestic”. Just as with Tuesday night, I did not make it back to my room till nearly 11:00 p.m. – well beyond my normal bedtime.
* * * * *
Since I am still staying in the pyramids until tomorrow, I felt a prompting this morning (Thursday) to get up for early morning yoga. I have still not developed the habit of doing yoga on my own – but fully plan to do so as soon as I move to our new place. But for now, I jumped at the open opportunity to participate in another group yoga practice.
After Yoga and a quick breakfast, Sandra, Marcel, and I walked over to the new place that Sandra and I want to rent. The manager was out of town, but the young man that was there called him up on the phone. Minutes later, I told the owner that Sandra and I want to rent the place, and we would like to move in tomorrow. We have an appointment at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning to sign papers and to pay our first month’s rent. I am so excited – I cannot believe it is all happening so quickly.
Marcel tagged along because there is also a small one-bedroom apartment for rent and he is seriously considering taking it. It will be so fun to have three of us living right there together on the same property – being able to continue our own little mini-retreat atmosphere and spiritual conversations.
I should probably expound on the plans that seem to be gaining intuitive clarity in my heart. I have hinted a few times before – and in my last blog entry I expressed my deep sense of clarity that I will be staying around for three to six months so that I can study with Keith. When I exchanged notes with Sandra on Sunday, she expressed to me that she has felt similar promptings. She had also decided not to participate in another retreat at the pyramids, and was fired up about the opportunity to take a two-month healers course with a very intuitive woman here in San Marcos.
After a quick exchange of notes with Sandra on Sunday afternoon, it felt energetically right to each of us that we would both remain in San Marcos for at least the next three months. Sandra’s current plan is to go home before Christmas, while my heart tells me to make no plans beyond December – guiding me to remain completely open-ended. I do feel a strong hunch, however, that I will likely be here in San Marcos, studying with Keith, well into 2011 – possibly into April.
With Sandra’s permission, I also want to mention another amazing fact. During our 40 days of silence, she and one other amazing person in my group found the hidden secrets of the Tree of Life – two of only six or seven that have ever found these secret keys here at the pyramids. Sandra and I have both felt an ever-deepening bond as we have partnered and worked together throughout these three months. I am so thrilled to have the privilege and honor to continue our friendship forward to an even deeper level in these upcoming few months.
I would never ask Sandra to reveal any secrets to me – secrets that to be meaningful need to be discovered via subconscious channels and personal internal experience – but I do secretly hope that being around her amazing energy will rub off on me – at least a little bit.
There is no doubt in my mind that Sandra (at only 23 years old) is someone who will make a profound impact on the world around her wherever she goes in this lifetime. We both feel a strong intuitive guidance that our paths will definitely be intertwined in some way as the future unfolds. I am so amazed by how synchronous events continue to bless my life, and cannot wait to see what each new day brings.
* * * * *
Tonight, in just a couple of hours, the present Moon Course will graduate in yet-another full-moon ceremony here at the Pyramids. Chaty asked for those of us that could, to please remain here at the pyramids to participate in these ceremonies. In a very real way, these few days since Tuesday morning have been an amazing and deeply fulfilling part of my Sun Course process. Gratitude fills my heart for the additional opportunities that we have had to bond and grow together in these past couple of days.
Because of circumstances, I have still hardly talked to anyone at all, outside of our own Sun Group. While I deeply look forward to reconnecting with friends and family back home, I also have an equally deep desire to maintain my present state of quiet and often-silent connectedness – a peaceful presence that begs me to not forget the amazing growth lessons of the past three months – a strong intuitive presence telling me that my life has been permanently altered.
Friday, September 24 – 5:30 p.m.
Last night was yet another coveted opportunity for my new spiritual family to get together. After participating in a powerful and emotionally-moving full-moon ceremony, the remaining seven of us again went to the Japanese restaurant for an evening of animated conversation. Have I said yet that I love my new friends?
We stayed out late – not arriving back at the pyramids till nearly 10:45 – a third late night in a row. I was quite tired but still opted to stay up past midnight.
* * * * *
This morning, Friday, I felt quite nostalgic as I began to pack up all of my belongings – squeezing everything into every corner of my backpack. It is amazing how many extra things I have acquired since first arriving in San Marcos last April – stuff such as exercise clothes, white clothes, flashlight, Tarot cards, crystals, and the list goes on. I ended up having to pack several extra plastic bags full of stuff that would no longer fit in my backpack. When I eventually leave San Marcos, I will definitely be leaving a few things behind.
At noon, Sandra and I made several back-and-forth trips hauling our belongings several hundred yards up the main sidewalk path from the pyramids to the center of town where our beautiful little home is located. We had both expected to feel somewhat sad about leaving the pyramids, but instead, we felt nothing but excitement to have our beautiful, clean, dry, modern, spacious, living space. I do believe we will love it here.
As the skies darken outside on this beautiful and peaceful Friday night, a powerful wave of contentment and serene peace fill my heart. Yet another beautiful experience is now coming to full closure, and a new amazing adventure is just beginning.
As I put the final keystrokes into this, the final blog entry of my Sun-Course journey, joyful emotions swell in my heart as loving tears begin to spring up in my eyes.
I can only imagine where my heart might guide me in this next unfolding phase of my journey. As I find myself reflecting back on incredible unplanned adventures of the past 15 months, intuition tells me that this next step into the unknown will be every bit as powerful.
I feel like an excited little girl on the night before her first trip to Disneyland.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved