(This is the first installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)
I want to slap Keith as a deep sense of internal rebellion yearns to burst forth.
“How dare he tell me those things!” I ponder to myself. “I feel as if he is invalidating my entire journey.”
If it wasn’t for the fact that I trust Keith with my life, I might have jumped to my feet right then and there, simply stomping away in disgust, feeling quite smug that Keith doesn’t have the slightest clue regarding what he is talking about. But instead, a small internal nudge quietly urges me to maintain an open mind – to seek clarification and further discussion.
“What does God want you to do?” Keith asks me again for the third or fourth time.
His question is really starting to annoy me.
“God wants me to listen to my internal guides.” I respond with determination. “He wants me to do what I am supposed to do. He wants me to pay attention to my intuitions. He wants me to uncover my emotional densities and to heal them. He wants me to face my fears and transmute them into love. He wants me to grow ….”
“No,” Keith lovingly but firmly interrupts. “God wants you to do what YOU want to do.”
“Now tell me again,” Keith continues. “What does God want you to do?”
A towering wall of resistance again surges in my soul. Even though Keith is sitting more than four feet away, I feel as if he is right in my face, being uncharacteristically pushy. Feeling confronted and attacked, I sense that Keith is telling me to follow an egotistical burst of self-gratification. I cannot and will not allow myself to embrace that approach.
Much of my inner journey has been about exactly the opposite – about surrendering to strong inner guidance. Yes, that guidance has taken me right through the middle of daunting and fearful growth lessons. Yes, those internal voices have caused me to allow unwanted chaos to slip its slimy fingers into my life – but facing that chaos has brought profound growth for which I am eternally grateful.
“Can you please clarify?” I ask through muffled tears. “I feel as if what you are saying is literally invalidating everything that I have gone through over the past five weeks – and I absolutely know that I was inspired and guided every step of the way. While my last five weeks have been difficult, they have also been amazing and perfect.”
I am quite proud of the fact that I feel comfortable in opening my mouth to speak my own truth. The “old me” would have been so fearful of potential confrontation with a friend that I might simply have walked away with a wounded spirit. The “new me,” being empowered with unconditional love, is fully confident that a loving understanding can be attained.
I want to project my resistance outward, declaring that Keith is the one who needs to shift his own distorted beliefs, but a little voice inside whispers that perhaps I need to first examine my own heart to take another peek.
Keith begins to speak again. His words open up a gentle window into my defensive heart.
“Yes Brenda.” Keith responds tenderly. “Your journey over these last five weeks has been powerful and perfect. Everything you went through is exactly what you needed to do in order to get you to where you are right now, staring right in the face of this next powerful growth lesson.”
Keith then gently continues his line of questioning. “Brenda. If you were to look inside of your heart, what is it that YOU want to do right now? What would bring joy and peace into your life?”
My icy resistance melts to a watery mush, deep emotion swells in my heart, and my eyes start to cloud with thick tears as a powerful heartfelt response begins to work its way toward the tip of my tongue.
“What I desperately want,” I exclaim with intense emotional power, “is to isolate myself for a week or two. I want all of the distractions out of my way. I just want to write and write and write and write and write.”
Tears stream down my cheeks and my voice shakes as I continue. “And I don’t want to simply write in a compromised journal-like style. I want to write with my old passionate style – the kind of writing where I am immersed in the passion for long hours – where I forget to eat – where I want to get up early and to stay up late. I want to put everything else on hold until my heart has had the opportunity to fully express itself.”
Joy and passion rush through my heart as I ponder the significance of the words that I have just uttered.
As my feet hit the pavement during my ten minute walk back into the center of San Marcos, the skies begin to fade beneath the magical orange glow of puffy drifting clouds. The sun has nearly vanished behind the nearby San Pedro volcano. The cool and crisp evening air feels invigorating and refreshing.
My long session today with Keith was a difficult one – a session in which I had battled feelings of internal chaos. In my trip down today’s rabbit hole, I had gotten lost in the trauma-drama illusion of this physical world. But now, I feel deep peace and renewed energy. A second wind seems to be lightly pushing me forward, giving me new hope.
My Wednesday evening is anything but calm and relaxed, but those details will come much later in the story. Those details are the result of an intense healing journey – a tear-filled-yet-joyful healing journey that has continued nearly nonstop since the first week in November. So many amazing events have come and gone.
Just yesterday I had reached a reluctant and unpleasant compromise. Because of the fact that my life continues to be so busy and unpredictable, I had decided that I would simply return to cranking out journal entries in a desperate, yet depressing attempt to simply “catch up” on my writing.
Now, as December 8, 2010 rapidly enters the history books, passion is again flowing through my veins – a joyful passion proclaiming that I am about to write like I have never written before.
Passions of the Heart
It is not until Thursday that I have an opportunity to review Wednesday afternoon’s growth during a short follow-up discussion with Keith, my favorite Chocolate Shaman.
I giggle as I tell him how angry I was when he uttered what I had perceived as shallow, in-my-face words. Then I express my deepest gratitude to him for having had the courage to come on so strongly in what turned out to be the perfect moment.
A few minutes later, Keith explains his strategy, pointing out how, for a couple of weeks now, he has silently observed as I continue to suppress my passion to return to writing – a passion that I know has been building up pressure like hot molten lava in a sleeping volcano that is about to explode.
Repeatedly he has watched as I follow intuitions that seemingly guide me further and further away from my passion, causing me to slowly shrivel inside. Over and over, Keith had resisted the temptation to say something, patiently waiting for his own intuitive guidance regarding the proper timing. Yesterday, his guidance told him it was time to throw in an earthquake to get the volcano moving. And yes, his guides had assured him that I was strong enough and ready to deal with those reality-shaking words.
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly explains, “your intuitions were starting to be distorted.”
Again I begin to resist Keith’s choice of words. The word “distorted” triggers an emotional reaction. It is only after a few minutes of additional verbal exploration that the light bulbs of understanding begin flashing brightly in my head and heart.
Yes, everything that I have been through during these five weeks has been a catalyst for powerful and meaningful growth. And yes, the way my lessons unfolded was perfect. But indeed, in the midst of all the seeming chaos, I had begun to make spiritual decisions based on old buried belief systems. I was literally beginning to sacrifice my own divine passions in an attempt to do what felt more like spiritual obligations. In the name of “doing what I was supposed to be doing”, I had lost hope – hope of being able to access the joy that lied buried beneath my inner passions to write.
Yes, the path I was on would have taught me many more additional lessons, but the journey would not have been nearly as fun as the one that I am now choosing. Deep intuition tells me that rafting down this new-but-familiar river of joy will be much more fun – and that the trip to my ocean source will end up being even deeper and more meaningful than I can possibly imagine.
In the preceding growth-filled weeks, I had begun to fall asleep – to forget that God wants me to be joyful – that growth is supposed to be fun – that the true intuitions of my heart lie in the passions that pulse wildly in my veins.
It is now time to release those bottled up passions.
I didn’t fully realize it at the time, but during these past five weeks I was already riding the rapids of my joy-filled river. I was simply taking it all a little too seriously – focusing too much on the obstacles in my path while forgetting to stop and play – neglecting my own passions in the process.
Starting tomorrow, I will begin the process of capturing my wild river journey through the colorful brush strokes of written words – describing the metaphorical whitewater, the beautiful canyons, the incredible scenery, and the occasional waterfalls – all of which have implanted themselves deeply in my heart during an amazing five week run through the rapids of one of the most growth-filled rivers I have ever encountered.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved