(This is the third installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)
Playing with the swarm of energizing bees in my window has put us behind schedule. Sandra and I still need to run errands in Panajachel – an hour boat trip each way – and we also need to be home by 2:00 p.m. in order to start a tedious liver cleanse process.
For three days now, right in the middle of our bee explorations, we have been eating nothing but brown rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Today’s diet is especially important – allowing no fat of any type. Nadia recommends that today we eat only fruits, with absolutely no food intake after 2:00 p.m..
“You will regret it if you have food in your stomach when you begin the actual cleanse.” Nadia had told us.
It is already well after 2:00 p.m. when Sandra and I get off the boat. As we hurry up the path to our apartment, my starving tummy is throwing a tantrum, demanding nourishment before beginning what will be a twenty-four-hour fast.
“No problem,” I tell myself with intuitive confidence. “I will simply delay the entire process for an hour.”
The schedule for our liver cleanse is quite complicated – drinking measured doses of Epsom Salts at 6:00 and 8:00 p.m., then drinking a half cup of olive oil with added grapefruit juice exactly at 10:00 p.m. – going to bed immediately and remaining flat on our back for at least thirty minutes.
We had been warned that messing with the schedule may affect the results, but I simply opt to pretend that I am in a different time zone. “My body will not know the difference.” I peacefully reassure myself.
Everything “goes” smoothly as I struggle to remain awake for the extra hour until 11:00 p.m.. Exhaustion begs to overwhelm my body into a deep relaxing sleep, but I continue to force myself to remain awake until the moment when I get to drink a luxurious cocktail of olive oil and grapefruit juice. The Epsom salts have now cleaned out my intestines and relaxed my bile ducts … plus the gall bladder and liver have been storing up unneeded bile for several days.
The moment that the olive oil hits my digestive system, the biological signals will jump into full gear.
“Yippee,” the gall bladder and liver will exclaim. “Oil … we have oil … huge quantities of incoming oil! Open the reservoir floodgates and push out all the stored bile that we have. Quickly now! We need to digest this oil spill as efficiently as possible.”
As I hold both my nose and my breath, I am amazed at how easily the olive oil concoction goes down my wide-open mouth and throat. Seconds later I am flat on my back in bed, drifting off to dreamland.
Sunday morning seems to come quite quickly – a positive sign of having slept well. My next two doses of Epsom salts are to be at 7:00 and 9:00 a.m. – creating another round of intestinal cleansing and bile duct relaxation. We have been told that a successful liver cleanse will push out thousands of gall and liver stones – ranging in size from tiny to quite large. I have no idea what to expect, but am eager to quickly push through the final process – pun intended.
I am thrilled as I begin to recognize the success of my efforts. Over the next four hours of frequent bathroom trips, I total up what I conservatively estimate to be several thousand little gall stones. The stones range from one eighth of an inch up to three eighth’s of an inch in diameter – colors varying from bile-green to a light yellowish tan. Most are one quarter of an inch or smaller – but the larger ones are not at all uncommon.
“How could all of these calcified little stones have possibly fit inside my liver and gall bladder?” I ponder with a sense of wonder; but I have no doubts regarding what I am seeing with my own eyes.
One prominent intuitive thought strongly captures my attention as the process nears conclusion.
“Even though today’s process is complete, you are not done yet.” The internal voices quietly whisper. “You are only half done. You are still partially blocked … there are more stones to be released.”
We have been told that after the first round of cleansing, gall stones that are buried further back in the liver will often move forward, taking the place of those in the front that were flushed out. But I am unsure as to whether my intuitive prompting is referring to more physical stones to be cleared, or whether it might instead be referencing emotional blockages that still need to be released.
I mention my intuition to both Sandra and Nadia – telling them that I will probably do another liver cleanse in a few weeks time, just to be sure.
Terrorizing Traumatic Troubles
Time continues to fly by. Bees and gallstones are history, and Monday, November 15th is already nearly gone as well.
Our Reiki 2 class today was taught by Mark – Nadia’s incredible and complimentary other half. Parallels between my Moon Course attunements continue to peacefully flood my memories as Mark completes an incredible Reiki 2 attunement that leaves me in a state of relaxation and near-bliss.
Then – a short while later – the unexpected happens.
As Sandra looks into my eyes, her smiling facial expression changes slightly as she utters a few words of loving concern.
“Brenda,” Sandra speaks softly. “Have you noticed that there is something growing in your right eye? It is a yellowish-tinted bump growing in the white of your eye between the pupil and the tear duct.”
Sandra goes on to tell me that the growth slightly reminds her of how her father’s eye looked when he discovered that he had a small cataract.
Panic and terrorizing fear begin to tightly squeeze my soul as I flashback into my recent past. For several weeks now, I have noticed that my right eye feels slightly more blurry and tired while reading for extended periods of time. I have simply ignored the sensation, writing it off to a slow progression of the aging process. Gradually I have begun to embrace the possibility that reading glasses might become a necessity sometime in the future.
But now, with this new traumatic thought placed unexpectedly into my mind, I am forced to come face to face with a new round of physical fears.
Momentarily, my memories return to the sheer panic that I felt while I sat and watched as a trusted acquaintance – a Zapotec healer named Delfino – had lovingly inflicted a severe third degree burn on the inner side of my left foot. That tick-removing experience in the remote jungles of Ek Balam, in the north-central Yucatan, had tested the extreme limits of my faith and courage.
As the once-fearful memory floods through the depths of my consciousness, I ponder about the timing and realize that the exact one-year anniversary of this traumatic event is only five days in the future.
I peacefully recall how, what could have been a journey-ending tragedy, instead became an amazing and peaceful lesson in love and trust. Gratitude returns to my soul as I remember how José Manuel, an Olmec Shaman, had later assisted me, uttering those powerful soul-calming words: “Brenda, there is a huge difference between pain and suffering.”
Confusion dances in my mind as I contemplate what I might do now. Is this really a cataract? I refuse to suffer, but do I need to seek medical attention? A slight fear reminds me that I no longer have any medical insurance whatsoever. Do I need to find a qualified eye doctor to diagnose me and to possibly perform an expensive surgery? Or can I trust doctors in Guatemala or Mexico?
Or do I need to treat this as a spiritual process … as an opportunity to heal myself via other alternative emotional and energetic methods?
On the one hand, I have a sense of peaceful confirmation telling me that all is well. On the other, I feel a sense of uneasy concern and near-panic – a fear of needing to figure something out, to do something, to speak to someone, to seek guidance from outside myself.
Another flashback soon consumes my thoughts. I suddenly recall words that Merrill, the local crystal lady, had twice told me. During both of my May and my October sessions, Merrill had said something that I completely ignored. Merrill had mentioned that there was something energetically going on in my right eye – something that might be manifesting in the future. Believing her words to be utter nonsense, I had completely ignored them, refusing to allow such negative thoughts to take up residence in my mind.
An hour later I have my first opportunity to ask questions. Unexpectedly, Dr. Bill – my chiropractor friend who also has a Masters degree in tropical medicine – just happens to stop by The Flower House. A sense of intuition still tells me that one day, perhaps soon, I will be spending a week or two with Bill in the remote jungles of Guatemala, helping him to assist the local indigenous people with their various medical issues.
I approach Bill, express my concerns, and ask him to look in my eye to give me a quick opinion. After a momentarily glance, Bill confirms that what he sees could possibly be a cataract. He casually tells me to put Aloe Vera in my eye and to consider doing some bio-electric zapping.
Panic again begins to grip my soul as Bill then turns away to attend to someone else. He is in a hurry and will be leaving San Marcos in a day or two. I feel momentarily victimized that Bill does not seem more concerned regarding my traumatic situation … that he does not drop everything to fix me and to calm my troubled soul.
A few minutes later, I laugh at my internal sense of trauma and neglect. I still do not know what I will do, but a peaceful knowing in my heart tells me that this is a lesson that I must face on my own. No one else can or will come rushing to my side to fix me from the outside.
Seeing With My Right Eyes
At 3:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning I wake up with a feeling that it is time to meditate regarding my eyes. Soon, a series of intuitive insights begin to anchor themselves in my mind. I have long believed that our bodies subconsciously communicate with us in very symbolic ways.
“Could this be one of those times?” I ask myself with a feeling of genuine introspection.
My heart tells me that the answer to this question is indeed “Yes,” and I begin to search for symbolic relationships that might explain just what could be taking place.
“This potential cataract is on the Inner corner of my Right eye.” I ponder.
“I am not seeing with my Right eyes.” A gentle-but-powerful feeling pushes its way into my heart. “I need to see more clearly with my Inner eyes rather than depending so much on my physical eyes.”
While I continue to experience a pronounced external concern regarding my vision, this morning’s meditation brings a growing sense of peaceful acceptance and inner-vision clarity.
“Yes, the Universe is telling me that the time has come to deepen my inner vision.” I ponder to myself. “I will be OK. As that inner vision deepens, the physical manifestations will eventually heal themselves.”
Solar Plexus Sadness
Meanwhile, back at The Flower House, Nadia’s classes from Tuesday through Friday are focused on learning to work with crystals and on further practicing of Reiki.
Tuesday afternoon I am blessed by the opportunity to receive a powerful Reiki session from Sandra. Her ever-deepening intuitive skills have been astounding me. Repeatedly, during our various practice sessions of the past week, I have watched with awe as Sandra has learned to trust intuitive feelings that pass through her while she is working on others. Today is no exception.
As Sandra places her hands over my right eye, she confirms that she feels strong energy zapping around in my aura field over the right eye. When she places her hands over my left eye to double-check her intuitions, she feels a quiet, peaceful calm. Intuitively, Sandra’s feelings confirm that my own insights regarding my need to see more with my inner vision are indeed accurate.
But it is not Sandra’s intuitions regarding my vision that cause me profound surprise. It is something that she unexpectedly utters while working over my abdomen.
“Brenda,” Sandra whispers quietly, “I am strongly sensing a feeling of deep sadness in your solar plexus.”
If anyone else (except perhaps Merrill) had made this statement I might have experienced strong resistance and doubt – but as I lie on the massage table, a deep sense of internal knowing confirms that Sandra’s loving words are indeed true. I have no idea what buried emotional density might hide behind the sadness, but I can feel the truth of Sandra’s words as they register in my consciousness.
Again I experience a flashback to the time that Merrill had told me that she felt anger and victimization rising from my heart chakra. Less than a week later, Keith had helped me to uncover an amazing release of angry and victimized male energy that had been stuffed away since my mid twenties – locked away in a dark metaphorical room in my heart.
As I ponder these memories, an intuitive whisper tells me that I will again be seeking assistance from Keith to identify and to heal this newly-discovered buried sadness that lies somewhere in the subconscious depths of my third chakra.
Eye Encounters
Two days later, while casually strolling down the main cobblestone path in San Marcos, I happen to bump into Merrill. In a quick exchange of loving words, I mention the situation with my eye, asking if her intuitions can fill in any gaps with what I have already figured out through my own meditations.
Without even a thought, Merrill amazes me when the words simply flow off her tongue as if she had rehearsed them for hours.
“It has to do with resistance.” Merrill begins confidently. “You’re not seeing what is right in front of you.”
If I did not know Merrill as I now do, I would have reacted in a negative way, smugly telling myself that she did not even stop to think before speaking. But today, I sense a peaceful truth in her quickly-uttered words. Yes, overcoming my continual resistance has been a profound part of my journey over the past six months.
I still experience mild-but-deeply-rooted feelings of physical concern regarding my eyesight, but an even more deeply-entrenched spiritual peace increasingly reminds me to trust and to heal myself from the inside out.
As I walk away from my brief encounter with Merrill, I have new insights bouncing around in my head – new food for thought and meditation.
Floating in the Clouds
“Brenda,” Sandra asks with a smile. “Would you like me to do a practice Neuro-Lymphatic massage on you this afternoon?”
“Yes, I would love that …,” I begin to respond before my answer takes an unexpected ninety-degree turn, “but something tells me that I’m probably going to go see Keith instead. Can we keep the offer open until later?”
My words to Sandra slightly surprise me. It has only been a week since my last visit with Keith, and I have plenty of things to do with my Friday afternoon. I would love a free massage – especially from Sandra – and I am not eager to turn down such an offer. But strong intuitions cause me to remain non-committal.
The situation with my eye has caused me to be a little emotionally unsettled this week. Nadia has picked up on my sense of spiritual disconnect, and asks if I would like to be her subject today while she demonstrates how she intuitively puts together a full crystal healing session.
I am not disappointed by what happens next.
For the next hour I lie meditatively on the massage table while Nadia uses her gift of intuition to place grids of crystals all over my body. I am amazed by the energies I feel running throughout my body. Near the end of our session, Nadia removes most of the crystals and replaces them with a series of blue and green ones. A deep feeling of peaceful calm and well-being permeates my soul as the session comes to an all-too-soon conclusion. During this relaxing and energizing session, I have long-since given up trying to pay attention to what Nadia is doing. Instead, I have simply melted into an incredible energetic experience.
During the final hour of our half-day class, I feel as if I am floating in the clouds. I find it quite difficult to even pay attention while Nadia performs a similar treatment on Sharon. I simply want to fly – to feel the amazing peaceful energy that fills my soul.
As we take a short break, Sandra approaches me, takes one look at my face, senses my energy, and proclaims confidently, “Brenda, you ARE going to see Keith today.”
Her words are not a question … there is no need for further debate … both of us intuitively know that her statement is a simple and obvious fact.
Left-Brain Integration
Keith has been quite busy as of late, but even though I have no appointment, a sense of deep confidence pushes me forward. When I walk up to his porch to announce my intentions, I simply giggle as Keith responds that his afternoon is free, and that right now would be a great time for an impromptu session.
As usual, my several-hour session with Keith is amazing. In his usual style, Keith uses the wisdom of his spiritual guides to coax me through another process of right brain bliss. But this time we do it without needing to disengage the circuit-boards of my left brain in the process. For the first time in my spiritual path, I fully understand that my left brain is not the enemy. In fact, my left brain has never been the enemy. Intellect and logic is, and always has been, my cooperative partner – as much interested in my eternal progress as am I.
Yes, left brain goes about things in a different way, and does not fully understand how the right brain works via symbolism rather than logic, but he is eager and willing to go deeper into a more profound connection with the divine – a connection that will benefit us all. He simply wants to be loved, validated, and integrated. It is left brain’s feeling of being rejected that causes him to resist with internal battles and chaos.
As Keith guides me into the metaphorical realm of my solar plexus, I discover a suppressed layer of child-like joy, buried beneath the cover of fuddy-duddy adult responsibility. My innocence and playfulness are chained up, and searched-for inner freedoms are still mired in a mud-filled box of teenage pain.
As I identify this long-forgotten and unresolved teenage emotional density, a small burst of tears finds its way to the surface. But most of the newly-discovered energy seems to simply rise into my heart chakra and melt away into nothingness. Today is not the day, but I will soon learn that a great reservoir of this teenage emotion yet remains, still waiting for further release.
Passion-Suppressing Choices
Throughout this week I have begun to experience inexplicable feelings of emotional disconnect.
Unexpressed desires bubble deep in my soul – deep desires begging me to find the time to write – desires craving the opportunity to communicate with friends and family back home.
Yet for two weeks now, I have not written a single blog entry. Facebook comments have been a rare afterthought. Sending and/or responding to emails seems to have become an emotional burden, and my two attempts at Skype have left me lacking in emotional connection.
I feel slightly trapped by circumstances, even almost depressed by the lack of viable expressive options. I am extremely busy, and my internet connection is sporadic and often quite unreliable. Daytime hours are consumed by Nadia’s course, occasional visits with Keith, and weekend social commitments. In the evenings, Sandra and I are often so tired that we simply giggle at each other and ask, “What movie do you want to watch tonight?” Attempting anything else would probably be a waste of time.
It seems that the only way I could possibly find time to write would be to either withdraw from select portions of Nadia’s course, or to completely ignore my friends during the little free time that I do have at night or on weekends. Neither of those options seems desirable – neither one brings peace to my heart.
I feel a deep intuitive guidance to spend as much quality time as possible with my dear friend Sandra. In fact, for more than a week now, I have experienced a strong sense of inner knowing telling me that there is something powerful that Sandra and I need to do together before she returns to Australia at the end of this month. I do not want to squander one single opportunity to spend time together with my dear friend.
So what do I do?
I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
If I follow my heart’s desire to write and to communicate with loved ones back home, then I will have to sacrifice many of my opportunities for additional personal growth right here in San Marcos. My intuitions are simply not guiding me in this direction. Something deep inside tells me that such local opportunities are an important part of my path.
However, if I fully immerse myself in the incredible present-moment opportunities available here in San Marcos, I feel as if I am sacrificing the passions of my heart. The feeling of being temporarily trapped gradually sinks it invisible claws into my soul.
No matter which way I decide, it seems that a part of me loses. As I ponder the deep dilemma, a sense of intuitive peace assures me that all is well – that I just need to be patient – that I am passing through some powerful growth lessons through which I must first pass before I can return to the passions of my heart.
“In another week or two,” my heart tells me, “I will have ample freedom and time to re-balance my life – to bring a little structure and order to my feeling of out-of-control chaos.”
“Trust me,” the intuitions peacefully communicate. “As soon as Sandra goes home, and immediately after Nadia’s course is complete, you will have ample time to write and to reconnect with your dear loved ones.”
Yes, my heart feels suppressed, but it acts as if it knows what it is doing. In just a little over a week I will have all the time in the world.
Unbeknownst to me, and in very subtle ways, my heart-felt passions are gradually beginning to fall asleep.
Always There
Flashing back to the present, as I write these final words, it is now Saturday evening, December 11, 2010. This morning, as I fiddled with my IPOD while pondering today’s upcoming writing marathon, I stumbled upon a song to which I had never before listened.
As I lost myself in the beautiful words, tears of joyful emotional release began to flow down my cheeks. The powerful words stirred deeply suppressed passions – reconnecting me with a profound sense of trust in the ever-presence of my Divine Source.
Intuitively, I knew that this beautiful song would somehow magically tie into today’s writing – but just how that would happen has only recently revealed itself.
As I began to write about my downward emotional spiral – the feelings of gradual and unconscious disconnect from my passions – I recognized that the emotions stirred by this beautiful song are one and the same. The words and music skillfully remind me that I am always connected and never alone – that my Divine Source is always there for me, simply waiting for me to come to my senses and to reconnect with what I have never lost.
This beautiful song, titled “Always There”, is performed by a group called Secret Garden, with a guest soloist named Russell Watson. The song is from the album “Earthsongs,” originally released in 2005.
Following are the words to this beautiful song. If you would like to listen along, I found a version on YouTube at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGBaXPyABvs
Always There
Sung by: Russell Watson
Written by: Rolf Lovland and Brendan Graham
When I’m less than I should be
And I just can’t face the day
When darkness falls around me
And I just can’t find my way
When my eyes don’t clearly see
And I stumble through it all
You, I lean upon, you keep me strong
And you rise me when I fall
You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me
When life brings me to my knees
When my backs against the wall
You are standing there right with me
Just to keep me standing tall
Though a burden I may be
You don’t weary, you don’t rest
You are reaching out to carry me
And I know I’m heaven blessed
You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me
[ … final repeating words omitted … ]
On Friday, November 19, as I strolled home from an amazing session with Keith, I was spiritually energized and alive with the feeling of powerful growth through which I was passing. However, I was at the same time beginning to struggle with the hopeless feeling of having no way to express my joyful passions to the world.
Tonight, as I hit the publish button on this, my next blog entry, that feeling of hopelessness has been replaced with divine joy.
This beautiful song by Secret Garden, reminding me that my Divine Source is “Always There” is a beautiful reminder – a beacon to push me back into a state of knowing that access to my passions is never further away than a genuine heart and a willingness to push the play button on my IPOD.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved