(This is the seventh installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)
Sunday morning, November 28, is shaping up to be another amazing day.
The Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving have passed quickly – all too quickly. Our class schedules were accelerated in order to accommodate the fact that Sandra will fly home to Australia tomorrow. In a weekend whirlwind of spiritual growth and meditation, we have now finished our Reiki Master training and polished off a few other loose ends with Sacred Geometry. Joyful nostalgia consumes my soul as I ponder the fact that the actual teaching portion of Nadia’s class is now behind me.
Rather than indulging herself in a delicious beef barbeque in San Pedro – an invitation that was actually quite tempting for all of us – Sandra has opted to spend her final afternoon in San Marcos drinking raw cacao on a magical porch.
There is no doubt as to where my intuitions are guiding me. I too will be sipping the magical heart potion with Sandra, my favorite Pingoo penguin from down under.
How could I have possibly known that today’s chocolate ceremony would turn out to be one of the most incredible energy experiences of my life?
Back to Beginnings
The ceremony unfolds in a very typical manner – ten of us sitting around in a casual circle, engaging in delightful conversation while slowly sipping raw cacao. Thirty minutes later, as we smile and giggle through a loving “glow” meditation, Keith asks us to identify any emotional density that we may or may not feel forming in our body.
“What do you feel?” Keith asks me. “And where do you feel it?”
I am quite pleased to respond that I only feel a tiny bit of energy poking around in my sacral chakra – very low in my abdomen. A feeling of hope tells me that I have already cleaned house with the rest of my formerly-unresolved emotional densities – that perhaps today I can simply enjoy the loving glow while supporting the healing of others.
My spiritual guides must be rolling on the floor laughing as my mind contemplates such naïve fantasies.
I attempt to do something that has worked several times before. I send continuous bursts of unconditional love to that twitching energy in my abdomen, inviting it to come up and join me for a pleasant chat in my heart, knowing full well that my heart can easily transmute the prickly little densities into glorious love.
But everything I try seems ineffective, as if the little blobs of energy are simply laughing at me, snubbing their snotty noses at me, sneering at my feeble attempts to lure them into oblivion. The stubborn little pains remain exactly where they are, even slightly increasing in intensity.
As of yet, I have no intuitive clues providing hints about the nature of this soon-to-be-examined energy.
“Don’t try to figure it out.” Keith tells me confidently as he checks in on my progress. “Just allow it to surface through non-rational-mind channels.”
As I surrender to the unfolding experience, I begin to get an intuitive feeling – a familiar sense of knowing that the emotional energy I am sensing stems from childhood stuff – stealth emotions buried deeply beneath my adult-awareness radar. But still, I have absolutely no idea as to the nature of these emotions. Curiosity begins to get the best of me.
Long-forgotten memories soon begin to surface. At around age seven or eight, I had shared a bedroom with my sixteen-year-old brother. I remember how he teased me incessantly, and how he sometimes bopped me on the head with his high school class ring – especially when he caught me playing with his comic book collection.
Then a forgotten-but-vivid mental image floats up to my awareness.
I experience myself hiding in the corner of the closet in my childhood bedroom. I vaguely remember having been mad at my brother. To get even with him, I had hidden his pajamas where he would never find them. I am unprepared for the emotion that my brother displays as he angrily searches the room for his missing PJs. When he goes to complain to my parents, I slip into the closet to hide my guilty face. Cowering behind a pile of dirty clothes and stuffed animals, I wait until the coast is clear. I know that if my brother discovers that I am the one responsible for his missing pajamas, that I will most certainly receive another painful lump on the top of my head. The thought terrifies me.
For several minutes, many such buried childhood memories successively parade through my consciousness. From an adult perspective, each memory seems quite silly – but to my little inner-child self, such experiences had apparently been quite emotionally traumatizing.
Then I begin to focus on other feelings of insecurity and confusion. I remember that at this tender young age I had also been extremely curious about gender and sexuality issues. There was absolutely no-one with whom I could share my curious questions. Something did not quite feel right, but I was a good little boy – I would be righteous, striving to please both God and my parents.
As these memories continue filtering through my mind, I begin to slightly whimper and sniffle.
Harley to the Rescue
Harley is an amazing old-soul-in-a-young-man’s-body from Australia. He participated in the Sun Course immediately prior to mine. He and Sandra have an amazing bond of friendship, but for reasons that I have never questioned, Harley and I have never really crossed energies.
This lack of connection is about to change – in a big way.
As Keith again checks in on my energy, his intuition guides him to do an amazing thing.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts. “You and Harley are doing the same basic processing. I want you to go over and sit in front of him.”
Trusting Keith implicitly, I pull a cushion over on the ground in front of Harley’s chair. Kneeling down on the ground, I rest the backs of my hands atop Harley’s knees as I lightly grasp his warm palms in my own.
As my energy connects with Harley, the inner intensity of my emotions gradually begins to increase. I joyfully surrender to the process. Maintaining an ego-image of strength and poise seems to be such a waste of time and energy. I would rather cry like a baby, allowing old emotional densities to bubble to the surface. An inner yearning for emotional freedom spurs me forward, reminding me of how wonderful I will feel when these long-buried emotions find their way into the light.
After about ten minutes during which my quiet whimpering gradually increases, Harley releases my hands, slowly rises to his feet, rests one hand on my shoulder, and intuitively walks behind me where he finds a cushion and sits at my back.
I melt backward into Harley’s arms as he begins to do a little energy work while lightly rubbing my shoulders. As my tears intensify, Harley soon wraps his long arms around me, telling me how much incredible love he can feel radiating from my pure and genuine heart.
As all of this is going on, I have emotionally regressed into the body of a five-year-old little boy, passionately enjoying the loving caress of his father.
Birthday Surprises
The memory still resonates as if it took place yesterday.
It was March 10, 1960. My father eagerly approached me, inviting me to take a stroll with him down the street in the warm afternoon sun. As the two of us giggled and talked, we headed to a candy store just two blocks away. I remember feeling deep excitement as my father lovingly instructed me to choose whatever special treats that I desired. My eyes must have been wide with gleeful anticipation as I browsed the rows of inviting candy, selecting a small bag of my favorites: chocolate Neccos, red and black licorice, Hershey bars, pixy sticks, and bubble gum.
My thoughts energized me as we strolled back to our home. I pondered how I would enjoy each tasty treat, one yummy nibble after the other. As my father and I entered the living room of our small home, I nearly jumped out of my shoes.
Suddenly, the dark and quiet room came to life. As the lights flashed on, a large group of friends and family jumped out of corners yelling “SURPRISE” and “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.
Prior to that moment I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was even my birthday. My parents must have found great delight in hiding that secret from my awareness.
While this special “Fifth Birthday Party” is not my earliest memory, it is definitely the most emotionally complete one. For as long as I can remember, this memory has warmed my heart, filling my soul with peace, love, and happiness.
Yes, this was indeed a powerful and love-filled memory.
Or was it?
A Father’s Love
As this joyful childhood memory parades through my consciousness, I literally become that innocent five year old boy – and Harley becomes my father. Harley continues to hold me from behind, wrapping his arms tightly around me, repeating over and over how loved that I am – telling me how much incredible deep love that he feels radiating from my heart. I melt and relax even more into Harley’s strong, supporting, masculine arms.
Unexpected feelings begin to surface.
“Why is my father being so loving and kind with me?” The thought flashes as if out of nowhere. “We have never had this type of relationship before. Why is my father taking me to the candy store now?”
“I don’t deserve my father’s love.” The thoughts continue. “Somehow, I know that I just don’t deserve it. Why is he showing me this love?”
I always knew that my father loved me, but we never enjoyed a relationship in which that love could be openly and freely expressed. A continuous stream of fond memories reminds me of how my father was indeed a loving teacher and guide – but I seem to have no memories whatsoever in which my father simply holds and caresses me, telling me through loving words just how much that he loves me.
My tender young heart desperately cries out to feel a deep loving bond with my father.
Dear sweet Sandra, my little Pingoo penguin, soon feels guided to come over to join my present-day healing adventure. Sandra takes hold of my hands and begins to rock playfully back and forth. As she does so, Sandra experiences an intuitive prompting to say something – but she feels silly and does not find the courage to speak up. I have not yet verbally shared regarding the internal journey through which I am passing. No one but me knows that I am visualizing Harley as my father, and that I am basking in the warmth of my dear father’s incredible love.
Sandra keeps her unexpressed comment to herself – believing that it would be completely out of place. It is not until a few hours later that she confesses, “Brenda, I just kept feeling like I wanted to tell you that your father loves you.”
Approaching Zero Point
With Harley at my back and Sandra holding my hands, my memories begin to intensify, soon regressing to even younger years.
I remember being a toddler, riding in the car with my mother. Shame and embarrassment fill my tiny little body when I experience the horror of realizing that I just pooped in my pants. I am defective, something is wrong with me. I feel terrified that I will be scolded, that I will no longer feel loved. The strong stench emanating from my pants only increases the guilt and gut-wrenching shame that grips my soul.
I flashback to the terror and pain of seeing and feeling my fingers pinched and smashed in the car door of our old pink Plymouth.
I feel the horror and shame of waking up in a small twin bed that is still warm and wet with my smelly urine. I am so ashamed and embarrassed.
Throughout this process, I am fully aware that I am both laughing and crying at the same time. I am grateful for the surfacing of these painful memories. I know they are real, but I am not attached to them. I know these memories no longer control me, that they are being given away to the Universe.
With each painful memory that surfaces, I feel the energy being transmuted with unconditional love. With the loving help of Keith, Sandra, Harley, the angels, my Higher Self, my guides, and with the help of the entire Universe, my childhood memories of shame, hurt, and fear are one by one being shifted into love, joy, and peace.
It feels as if a cosmic energy is literally playing out the emotional memories of my childhood in reverse. I intuitively recognize that for every memory being healed in my conscious mind, hundreds if not thousands of unconscious memories are simultaneously going through the same healing process. Somehow I simply know this.
The age of my memories continues to decrease toward infancy. I no longer remember exact situations or experiences, but I intuitively feel the emotional energy continuing to come up and out.
Finally, to my amazement, I intuitively recognize that I have reached zero point – the period of my physical birth in this lifetime. Intuitively, there is no doubt in my mind that I am about to slip into other realms, into prior experiences from past lifetimes.
Journey to the Past
The first place to which my thoughts take me is to the memory of a young girl in Manhattan during the early 1800s. This is the same young girl that I grew to know and love during an impromptu past-life regression experience while meditating during the final week of my Moon Course silence in May.
In that powerful regression, I had clearly seen a beautiful stream of cool fresh water trickling down the stone steps of a small pyramid. Suddenly a bucket of mud came from behind me, covering that pure innocent stream with a thick layer of dark brown mud. In a metaphorical way, I had been intuitively shown that this is what happened to me during that past lifetime of emotional shame, pain, and struggle.
As the pain of this past lifetime flashes into my awareness, I suddenly feel an intense and loving energy flowing through my body – an actual physical energy that surpasses all description.
The vibrating energy literally feels as if a high-voltage power line is channeling electrical current through my body. I feel the intense energy running continuously down my arms, and out my fingertips. Out of concern that this powerful energy might harm or contaminate someone else, I intuitively release Sandra’s hands and place my finger tips onto the ground in front of me, sending the powerful energy down into Mother Earth where it can be transmuted with love.
Instead of feeling frightened, however, I enjoy a strong intuitive knowing that this indescribable energy is clearing out layers of emotional debris and densities from past lives – not only from the life of this emotionally abused little girl in the 1800s, but literally from many, if not all of my past lives – past lives that may extend to countless other dimensions.
Energy Explosions
Tears and giggles begin to recede as this unbelievable physical energy consumes my entire focus and attention. I am fascinated by what is occurring in my body. I know that my skeptical nature would have a hard time believing this energy to be real if it were not personally happening to me.
This energy is not just a figurative metaphorical thing – it is undeniably real, powerful, shaking, vibrating, and streaming with real electrical force. My whole body is shaking, but I feel the majority of the current running from the area of my temples, down my neck, through my shoulders, down my arms, and out my slightly curved finger tips.
I am not sure when they do so, but Sandra and Harley soon return to their seats. I feel everyone’s eyes upon me, but I am so immersed in the present moment, so focused on enjoying the energy, that I am completely oblivious to most everything around me, including the passage of time.
“Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts with a sound of loving concern. “Why don’t you hold this rock to help ground the energy?”
I notice that Keith places a heart-shaped river rock on the ground in front of me.
“This will make the energy easier to deal with.” Keith continues lovingly.
“No,” I respond. “I love this experience. It is amazing, incredible, powerful, and healing. I want the energy to keep flowing. I want to feel every bit of it. I don’t want it to stop.”
For an unknown period of time, I hold my fingertips on the ground while this high-voltage current continues to wash past-life emotional densities through my soul.
Finally, I glance over at the heart-shaped rock by my side. With one hand, I pick it up and position it in front of me. Then I place all of my finger tips on the ordinary-looking rock’s dark rough surface.
Almost immediately, the vibrating in my body ceases. I continue to feel the powerful energy as it rushes through me, but the power is smooth and steady. I no longer shake as if I am being shocked. I feel as if the rock is literally facilitating the movement of energy, providing a very comfortable and safe place for the energy to ground itself, making the whole experience even more enjoyable.
Eventually, as my consciousness returns to my surroundings, I begin to recognize that my legs are hurting. I have no concept of how long I have been kneeling atop this thin foam pad, but as I attempt to move I realize that my legs are weak and somewhat numb.
As I struggle to inch my way up into a nearby folding camp chair, Keith supports my arms and assists me to my feet – just long enough for me to collapse into a comfortable sitting position.
As the session proceeds around me, I tightly grasp the heart-shaped river-rock in my lap. The powerful electric current continues to flow uninterrupted through my fingertips. I love the energy and wish it could go on forever. I want to squeeze out every potential drop of this energy’s healing power.
Lightning Bolts
Little by little, the energy flow begins to lessen in intensity. When I can no longer feel the power surges leaving my finger tips, I gently place the river rock back on the ground by my chair. The chocolate ceremony continues for another hour or so. I watch with fascination as others do their own deep processing, but I have only one thing on my mind.
Needing to process and integrate my experience, I wait for an opportunity to engage Keith in a short private conversation.
“What did I do today?” I ask Keith with a feeling of animated exhaustion. “Could you feel what was going on with my energy? Can you give me any insights regarding what happened to me?”
Keith gives me two thumbs up and offers a huge reassuring smile. He lovingly acknowledges that the powerful energy was real, that I did indeed move some deep energetic densities today, and that the next stop of my journey is not going to be the state mental hospital.
Later, Sandra gives me her own feedback.
“Brenda,” she tells me, “I felt as if I could see energetic lightning bolts shooting out of your fingertips.”
Integrating the Magic
Nineteen days have come and gone since that powerful day left its electrifying energy imprint in my soul.
I am still in the process of emotionally integrating everything that took place on that final Sunday in November. The experience was indeed very real and incredibly powerful – there is absolutely no doubt regarding either of those facts.
But even now, I am still waiting for the emotions to completely settle – for the powerful growth to have time in which to fully integrate.
Intuitively I know with all of my heart that thick layers of childhood and past-life emotional densities did indeed fly out of my soul in life-altering ways – but I also know that I am still quite far from being an enlightened being. Other layers of unrecognized belief systems and emotional densities most certainly remain to be discovered and transformed.
Only time will bring full integration and clarity. But even with the ample time that I now have, I have a tendency to slip into old belief patterns – attempting to force unreasonable structural demands onto my playful inner child.
For six straight days, I wrote with daily passion. But just yesterday, as I attempted to write about these electrifying experiences, I reached a point of near emotional burnout and inner-child rebellion.
Had it not been for another session yesterday with Keith, I might have continued to melt-down even further. I soon recognized the source of my emotional exhaustion and burnout – my playful passion to write had begun to revert back into an obsession of adult responsibility.
My inner child burst forth with glee during yesterday’s chocolate ceremony. When we got home, the little girl in me took over with a playful vengeance.
“No, uh-huh,” she told me. “We are not going to cook tonight. We are going out for hamburgers and fries. Then we are going to just have fun and watch a movie.”
My playful passion is back, and my little inner child is reminding me that I need to balance. I will continue writing with passion, but I will also treat myself to some much needed emotional integration time – time to let the still frazzled emotions settle – time to let the amazing growth lessons integrate – time to simply play and feel my connection with the divine.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved