(This is the eighth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)
As I begin tapping away on my little laptop, my heart flashes back to an early scene from one of my favorite childhood movies – The Sound of Music.
The nuns of the Abby are singing a song titled “Maria”, more commonly known as “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”
Suddenly, my heart wants to burst out in song, “How do you solve a problem like Sharonski?”
So many loving parallels parade through my heart-felt memories. Sharon (pronounced shaw-ROAN) is an incredible twenty-five year old young woman from Israel – creative, free, vibrant and full of life. But just like Julie Andrews’ character, Maria Von Trapp, in the classic 1965 movie, Sharon’s beautiful free spirit finds it nearly impossible to embrace the life-draining effects of stagnant rules and structure. To Sharon, any hint of structure causes deep-rooted internal defense mechanisms to flare up in resistance – sometimes in outright rebellion. Telling Sharon something such as, “You need to do it this way,” is like shoving her away into a prison cell or holding a pillow over her face so that she cannot breathe.
I initially crossed paths with Sharon during the first day of my Sun Course. We did not clash much during those beautiful growth-filled three months – but for some reason I subconsciously avoided reaching out to form deeper bonds. It was not until late September that our growth journeys began to intertwine – the same time that we both decided that participating together in Nadia’s two-month holistic healing course was in both of our futures.
I remember frequently attempting to offer deep genuine love to this beautiful free spirit, while at the same time subconsciously judging her with inexplicable and unexpressed resentment and cruelty – quite the confusing paradox for someone who is attempting to live a life overflowing with unconditional love. I did not understand why, but much of Sharon’s behavior powerfully triggered my own emotional buttons in huge and confusing ways.
“Why can’t she just put some structure into her life and follow the rules?” I often thought to myself. “Why must she rebel so? And why can’t she stop projecting that rebellion onto others? Why must she create so many problems for herself and for others around her?”
I again laugh to myself as I picture the nuns in “The Sound of Music” expressing the same types of frustrations regarding Maria.
The Universe must have been laughing that day when Sharon and I were in each others’ face – having a loving but emotional standoff regarding social proprieties – the same Tuesday afternoon when I so desperately craved the opportunity to resume my writing, but ended up throwing a pity party tantrum instead.
During that emotionally draining few days before Thanksgiving, Ego had begged me to project blame onto Sharon for the pain and struggle that I was feeling – but I intuitively knew that the real cause of my pain stemmed from somewhere inside of me. The thought of shining the light on my own internal issues was frightening, and I really did not know how to begin the scary process.
But it seems that the Universe already had the healing process planned out with amazing precision. I simply needed to show up with an open heart and a willingness to participate.
On a few occasions during early-to-mid November, I remember confiding to Sandra regarding what I then perceived as my worst possible nightmare – a fear that Sharon would approach me to ask if she could move in after Sandra returns to Australia at the end of the month.
Later, as Sharon and I shared a deep healing conversation together, she giggled as she confided something quite similar.
“Brenda,” Sharon told me, “I once told Sandra that if you and I were to ever move in with each other, that we would probably kill each other.”
Sharon, or “Sharonski” as many of her friends lovingly call her, now holds a very personal and precious tender space in my heart. It is a long and beautiful story of love and healing, beginning just the day before lightning bolts of healing electricity shot through my fingertips – changing my life in ways that are still unfolding.
My Worst Nightmare
It is Saturday afternoon, just two days after Thanksgiving Day. Due to unforeseen circumstances, Sharon has just learned that she needs to move out of the home where she is living – an entire week earlier than she had planned.
“Brendi”, Sharonski approaches me with her sweet innocent smile. “Would it be possible to move in with you for a few days next week?”
As these once-feared words grace my ears, I am amazed as a deep and profound feeling of intuitive peace melts away every ounce of resistance that I ever felt.
“Of course you can move in.” I hear myself saying with genuine love and sincerity. “I would be glad to have you.”
“Wow,” I think to myself. “I can’t believe I feel so peaceful about this.”
I have no idea regarding the healing path through which I am about to pass. On the one hand I am excited to face the challenge of learning to more fully love my dear little friend – learning to dissolve my judgments and to see her for who she really is. On the other hand, I feel a deep sense of disappointment and depression settling in.
“This means that I will be unable to begin writing for at least another week.” I sigh to myself, fully believing that I am incapable of writing while Sharon is sharing my living space.
Loving Transitions
“Sandra,” I express my deepest gratitude. “Have I told you lately how much I have loved living with you?”
It is early morning, Monday, November 29. In less than an hour, Sandra will climb into a small shuttle van as she embarks on the next chapter of her own life adventure.
Just yesterday, Sandra (and Harley) assisted me in yet another amazing and life-altering energy experience. I am still dazzled and emotionally frazzled as I attempt to find firm footing on solid ground. I remind Sandra of my prior intuition that there was something she needed to help me with before she flew home.
“I thought it was last week.” I joyfully tell Sandra, “But I now know that the help you gave me yesterday was what really needed to happen before you left. It was even more powerful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for everything. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the beautiful heart-growth that you have helped to facilitate in my life.”
As I hug Sandra “goodbye”, the drops of moisture that trickle down my cheeks are tears of deep joy and gratitude. We both know that this is not really goodbye. Deep intuitions whisper that our paths will definitely cross again – perhaps even in a few months time – but we both know that our deep connection will remain intact regardless of wherever our hearts may guide us in the days, months, and years to come.
This week is definitely not one of relaxation. For the next five days I am doubling up on everything – spending mornings at Nadia’s while finishing up final details of our holistic healing course. Then I hope to spend afternoons with Keith as I jump full steam into additional healing opportunities. And finally, I am facing fears regarding the unknown but loving chaos that is about to move into my home in just a day or two.
An Issue of Balance
I am the only one who shows up today for Keith’s Monday afternoon class. I start off feeling eager for the opportunity of one-on-one attention, but an hour later I am experiencing deep frustration regarding my progress. I feel lost and bored – extremely confused, impatient and distracted. When I finally speak to Keith, asking for more help, he smiles and tells me that his guidance told him to stay out of the way while I explored a form of meditation that simply does not work for me.
I struggle with feelings of resentment as Ego urges me to be angry at Keith, telling me that he just wasted an hour of my precious time – an hour in which I could have been doing something productive such as writing.
We then get down to real business. The flow of energy soon guides us into the very subject of my writing – or perhaps I should say “not writing.” I feel an ever-growing confusion regarding the fact that I desperately want to write, but that my intuitions continue to lead me into situations that present huge roadblocks to my ability to do so.
We discuss my journey of writing distractions – a journey involving the Moon Course, the Sun Course, and Nadia’s Course. We talk about how roommates and social commitments seem to be a double-edged sword – bringing incredible growth opportunities – opportunities into which I feel deeply guided to participate. Yet when I participate in such beautiful growth I end up having no time or energy left with which to write.
It soon becomes quite clear that I am facing an issue of balance – of learning to integrate all areas of my life in a way that my passion of writing can still be expressed in a meaningful way.
I am already feeling quite satisfied with today’s casual session when my friend C.J. unexpectedly shows up on Keith’s magical porch to join us.
Psychic Gifts
Keith never ceases to amaze me. I have observed countless times as he assists others to access and to embrace hidden psychic abilities. One of Keith’s passionate projects is in working with people known as “empaths.” If I had not repeatedly observed the process for myself, I would still be quite skeptical, believing an “empath” to simply be a creation of science fiction – someone like Counselor Troy in Star Trek: The Next Generation. In such stories, an “empath” is capable of personally experiencing the actual emotions of others – then helping others to heal their emotions.
Over and over again, I have been amazed as I watch Keith while he assists people to recognize and to embrace such psychic abilities – abilities which they have seen in the past as a horrible and painful curse – a curse that caused them to literally eat and to painfully absorb the negative emotions of those around them.
Keith skillfully assists such people to learn how to control and to lovingly embrace their confusing abilities – helping them learn to heal and to integrate their internal gift in such a way that they can assist others in healing while no longer absorbing the negative emotions within themselves.
As bizarre as the concept sounds to a logical left-brained mind, I believe with all of my heart that our planet has recently given birth to a huge number of such psychically-gifted young people – old souls in young and confused bodies who, once they learn to lovingly use their gifts, will then emotionally assist others on our planet during the incredible spiritual shifts that continue to gain momentum on Planet Earth.
Many of these gifted healers are among the ranks of spiritual seekers that seem to be drawn to the shores of Lake Atitlan – and quite commonly, Keith’s chocolate ceremonies seem to be blessed with the presence of several such confused healers-to-be.
I do not know the nature of C.J.’s particular psychic gifts, but I will be forever grateful for her assistance on this beautiful Monday afternoon.
Frightened Little Girl
With C.J. now in our group, and after the emotional processing through which I have just passed, I fully expect Keith to immediately switch the focus over to her.
But as he frequently does, Keith pulls out his invisible bag of tricks and treats me to an unexpected gift of magic.
“C.J.” Keith begins, “Brenda has something buried in her solar plexus that is now ready to come up – to be exposed to the light – but she is not currently able to find it. I would like you to practice using your special gift to help Brenda uncover what she is unable to find by herself.”
I have no idea as to where this will all lead, but I am intrigued by the thought of allowing C.J. to help me embark on an unknown journey into buried density.
For about fifteen minutes we are all silent in meditation. At first, I feel nothing other than a feeling of agitated energy forming in my solar plexus. Keith continues to coach C.J., encouraging her to continue what she is doing. Gradually, I begin to experience a sense of intuition. I see nothing with my inner eyes – but I feel it all with a profound sense of internal knowing.
I feel some type of cage – some part of me is locked away in a small open-air cage – a cage with bars and a solid padlock.
“What do you want to do with the cage?” Keith asks me – continuing to follow rather than to lead.
I respond that I am thinking about trying to unlock it with a key, but I then mention that the thought of using dynamite to destroy the cage is currently crossing my mind.
“Perhaps you should look in to see what or who is inside first.” Keith suggests gently.
“There is a three-year-old child inside.” I respond with clarity after haven taken a quick look.
I can intuitively feel the child’s presence, and I begin to recognize it as being my own inner child at age three.
“Yes, there is a little three-year-old girl inside.” Keith confirms.
I am quite surprised to hear Keith utter the word “girl.” “Shouldn’t my inner child be a little boy?” I think to myself before asking Keith to clarify.
Keith asks me to look to confirm for myself, suggesting that the child could be either or perhaps even both. As I ponder, I simply know – a deep intuitive knowing – that the child is indeed a sweet and innocent little girl – my precious inner child is a girl!
C.J. later tells me that she too sensed the presence of a little girl locked away.
As I meditate on this little girl inside, I sense an eruption of anger and feelings of deep victimization. My solar plexus begins to rumble with feelings of agitation and vibration.
I intuitively know that this rebellious little prisoner is my beautiful, genuine, magical and innocent inner child – the child who was hidden away in a cage when the rest of me began to be programmed at the age of three – programmed in such a way as to reject the magical parts of myself, to conform to the rules of society, and to be “normal”.
“This little girl is my unspoiled God-Self,” I think to myself, “a magical little being who has not been allowed a voice for a very long time.”
I remember a recent experience in which I listened to two hours of pure-and-innocent Mormon children’s songs – an experience that had left me almost nauseas as I began to feel the effects of the perfect-image programming through which I had passed in my childhood. While the programming had been done by loving, well-meaning parents and teachers, it nevertheless had caused me to suppress the magic inside, replacing my little angel with a little boy who only wanted to win love and approval by doing what was asked and expected.
Subconscious Images
“Is this little girl literally locked away in my solar plexus?” I ask Keith inquisitively. “Is this real or metaphorical?”
Keith responds that this is the subconscious mind’s way of communicating a real energetic issue with me. No, of course there is not literally a little girl locked away, but the magical energy of such a little girl is indeed locked away in my subconscious mind – and she is very much a real energy with which I need to deal.
“The subconscious mind is simply using this metaphor to help engage your rational mind.” Keith continues. “This helps you to work with the energy in a tangible way.”
I continue to engage the little girl’s energy in a very real way, using the inner thoughts and knowing of my subconscious imagination to interact with her energy.
Failed Rescue
With loving persuasion, I attempt to use logic and reason to coax the frightened little girl to crawl out of her cage. The door is now wide open, but she refuses to budge, cowering back in the corner.
I visualize myself as the long awaited fairy princess, riding up on a beautiful white unicorn to rescue the poor, abandoned little girl. I am very puzzled by her refusal to trust me.
Instead, I continue to sense her anger, bitterness, sadness, fear, and victimization.
I try everything that I intuitively know how to do, sending loving energy, encouraging words, peaceful thoughts, and pure joy – but the little girl continues to respond with fear and rejection.
“Can you help me out Keith?” I begin to beg. “I have no idea what else I can do to win her trust, to get her to come out of the cage.”
Keith tells me that I seem to be making good progress, to just keep at it for a while longer. I focus on my Higher Self, asking for loving assistance. Almost immediately, I remember that I am not dealing with an adult here – this is a three-year old girl with the mentality of a toddler. I cannot reason with her as if she were a grownup.
I ask the little girl if she wants to play. She just stares angrily at me. I giggle with her and attempt to tickle her. I energetically sense that she begins to giggle too, but then she almost immediately catches herself and returns to her pouting.
“Don’t try to force anything.” Keith lovingly coaches me. “Let her know how loved she is, but give her permission to stay in the cage if that is what she wants to do. That would be the most empowering thing you can do for her.”
After continued attempts to send her deep unconditional love, I finally hand her a small portion of my heart and tell her how much I love her.
“I will be back later to check on you.” I tell her. “I am going upstairs now. You can follow me if you want, or you can stay right here.”
I attempt to visualize myself leaving and climbing up a flight of stairs, but all of my energy remains stuck with the little toddler.
Soon, a few tears begin to flow as I feel the little girl’s fear and pain. She cries with me, but still does not budge. A few minutes later, my tears dry up. Fearful emotions have been shared and released, but the pain and mistrust still abound in her heart.
“I am beginning to think that I will need to go home today with this energy still unresolved.” I confess to Keith, feeling a sense of failure and confusion. “I don’t know what else to do, and I feel as if she needs more time to make up her mind about what she wants to do.”
Keith reassures me again that this is the most empowering thing that I can do – to let her know that she is safe and in control of her own destiny – that nobody is going to force her to do anything against her will.
“Usually we don’t let our inner child run our life,” Keith adds, “but this time I feel that it is OK to cater to her during this healing process.”
Early Morning Revelation
I go home, enjoy a quiet dinner, do a little meditating, and then drift off to sleep. To my dismay, I wake up at 1:15 a.m., feeling as if it is time to meditate further regarding my little girl. Forcing myself to sit up in bed, I struggle and resist my body’s tired demand for further sleep.
“Perhaps my little girl will talk to me now.” I ponder while beginning to meditate.
At 2:45 a.m., after ninety minutes of powerful meditation, I turn on my computer to take a few notes regarding what has been revealed to me.
In an unbelievable twist of fate, I have come to realize that my frightened three-year old inner child has a name – and that her name is Sharon. I begin to feel quite ashamed as I admit to myself that I have become the “responsible adult” that has tried to encourage Sharon to live in a cage of conformity – for her own good of course.
I now see my experiences with real-life Sharon as a powerful metaphorical journey – from our first meeting in late June right up to the present moment. In a very literal way, I have actually been in a real-life tug-of-war with my own inner child.
Sharon is so beautiful and unique – a free spirit who instinctively defends her freedom like a mother grizzly bear defending her cubs. I was subconsciously attempting to help Sharon learn that, for her own growth and learning, she needs to climb further into a structural cage so that she can live life happily ever after.
I have been the self-righteous judge and jury, silently boasting that Sharon needs to learn a little structure – to be more present in her class work. I was the Nazi soldier trying to put this beautiful little Israeli girl into a “concentration” camp – smugly telling myself that it is for her own good – that she needs to “concentrate” more – to be more present in the structure going on around her.
All the while, Sharon just wants genuine permission to be her pure and innocent creative self. She is struggling to find true spiritual freedom in a world of incomprehensible rules and metaphorical iron bars.
Fifty-two years later, when I finally discover my little inner child cowering in the back of a long-forgotten cage, I then have the audacity to see myself as her benevolent rescuer. How arrogant of me to presume that I am capable of showing this little girl the light-filled way out of her cage, when I am the one who has been mostly in the dark for all of these long years.
“Trust me.” I gently tell my little Sharon with an outstretched hand. “I will give you light and freedom. Please, take my hand. I will love and care for you. Please come out where you can at last be your free and genuine self.”
From Sharon’s perspective I might think to myself, “How can a sleeping old blind woman presume to show me how to wake up and to embrace the light? She must really be crazy if she presumes to be my teacher.”
As these realizations come into my heart, deep sorrow briefly grips my soul – sorrow that I have been so blind to the truth – sorrow that I have been so callous and self-righteous in that blindness.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I realize that I have unknowingly been the enforcer of such deep repression on a beautiful and innocent being.
No, I am not evil, and I am not guilty of any sin – I have merely been acting out of habitual, well-meaning, genuinely-motivated ignorance. But nevertheless, I am indeed the unwitting oppressor, the jailor of my own inner child. I now clearly realize that premature attempts to rescue her might only damage her more.
I only hope that this beautiful little child will forgive me, embrace me, and allow me to be her student as I unlock her prison door and sit at the entrance, longing for her to come out of her cage to hold me and to teach me what I really need to know about life and magic.
A New Attitude
As I later crawl out of bed for the second time in five hours I am eager to perform my first certification massage on Nadia – but what I am most eager about is in having the opportunity to share my amazing healing insights with real-life Sharon.
I cannot wait until I have the opportunity to get to know Sharon better – to learn what makes her tick – to learn everything I can learn about this pure and genuine soul who is so creative and so resistant to structure.
In an amazing twist of synchronicities, I believe with all of my heart that learning to love the real-life Sharon will help me to earn the trust that I desperately desire with my little inner child. In so many incredible ways, I recognize that the two of them – real life Sharon and my little inner-child Sharon – are metaphorically one and the same person.
Sharon does not actually move in until Wednesday evening, December 1 – but we have many opportunities to talk. I can already feel the healing and trust beginning to take root.
Fairy Tale Fantasies
With renewed energy, I spend Wednesday morning cleaning out the spare room in my apartment so that Sharon will have a place to spread out her things. At 12:30 p.m., I begin another magical afternoon on Keith’s porch. I am eager to discover the status of my little inner Sharon.
A large group shows up for the Wednesday chocolate ceremony. Seeing how I sort-of know what I am doing, I quickly lose myself in meditation. I see no reason to wait for Keith while he is working with the rest of the group.
I work mostly by myself during the afternoon. Whenever Keith finds a moment to check in with me, I fill him in on the internal adventures through which I am currently passing.
Little Sharon is still in her cage. As I lovingly sit with her, I follow a creative intuition telling me to invite my Grandchildren to come over and play with her. Little Sharon seems to like this idea, but she remains very tentative.
After a while, I ask Sharon if she would like to come up to play in my heart space. I soon feel her entire energy, little cage and all, move completely into my heart. Sharon remains safely in her cage, but she keeps the door slightly propped open.
“Tell her a fun story.” The intuition suddenly floods my mind. “Tell her a little fairy tale.”
For the next thirty minutes I use my imagination to tell her a long story that goes something like this.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in the home of a wicked witch. The little girl was kept in a small cage with iron bars. She was terrified of the ugly witch – feeling quite angry and sad, not understanding why she was being held prisoner. The little girl was quite afraid, and almost always kept her eyes closed so that she would not see the witch’s ugly face.
Little by little, the tiny girl began to get more courage. She wanted to escape, and began to peek through the iron bars when the ugly witch was not looking. Soon, the little girl realized that the witch was not so ugly and scary after all. The witch even began to look quite pretty.
One day, the little girl realized that her cage was not locked and that she was free to leave whenever she wanted. But the little girl was still afraid. She didn’t trust the witch and decided to stay right where she was at. It made her feel safer to remain hiding in her cage.
Eventually, the little girl discovered that she herself had special magical powers. Around the same time, she began to realize that the witch was actually quite loving and kind – and that the witch was not her jailor at all. It was only her own fear that was keeping the little girl trapped inside the cage.
The little girl soon discovered that she had a magic wand and could manifest anything that she wanted. She made the room bigger and more comfortable. She even began to decorate and to hang fun things on the walls. She loved her new room. It felt safe and happy. The room began to feel as if it were her very own magical castle.
One afternoon, a large thunderstorm came up out of nowhere. Instead of being afraid, the little girl watched as the heavy rains washed away the mud from her castle walls. To her surprise, the walls were made out of shining crystals. The sun soon came out and the little girl saw that a great big flashflood had washed away all the past emotional debris that had muddied the prison walls of her life.
Life was suddenly beautiful, magical, and peaceful. Fluffy clouds, blue skies, green tree-covered mountains and a beautiful lake dotted her surroundings. Each of the ugly emotions that had washed away in the storm suddenly transformed into beautiful little fishies, swimming around in the big lake.
The little girl realized that she could do and create anything that she wants – and that she herself was now the only one holding her prisoner. She can leave whenever she decides.
As the story ends, I feel guided to tell little Sharon one more tiny story. I explain to her that her little cage is actually a protective cocoon – that it is a secure hiding place that has kept her safe and warm during many years of transformational turbulence. I tell her that she is about to transform and to grow – about to emerge as a beautiful and magical butterfly exactly when the time is right.
Nap Time
I feel delighted as I sense little Sharon’s energy. She has had fun playing with my grandchildren, and she really enjoyed the fun story – but I feel her growing very tired and quite bored.
Soon, I give her permission to go take a nap. As she does so, I intuitively feel her energy leave my heart space as it moves back into my solar plexus. The cage again moves down with her. Even though she had temporarily embraced her magic, little Sharon put it back down – feeling too tired to play any more – at least for now.
I feel a deep peace, but am also quite puzzled as to why the cage is still in place – why it has not dissolved. However, I am not attached. I recognize the powerful progress that has taken place – the loving trust that was built through a simply story and play time.
The little girl still rumbles energetically in my abdomen, but I feel a deep sense of peace, knowing that she will be fine remaining where she is for yet another day. She has developed trust that I will not push her any further than she is willing to go. It is still up to her to decide when, or if, she is ready to trust me.
Wednesday evening, as I walk home from a beautiful chocolate ceremony, I feel a deep sense of excitement. Tonight, the real Sharon is literally moving in with me.
I find it utterly amazing that the external synchronous world is presenting this opportunity to me at the exact same time in which I am processing Sharon as being my inner three-year-old child.
Traditional Feast
To my surprise, today also happens to be the first day of Hanukah, and Sharon is excited to cook traditional Jewish food for me and for my two neighbors, Tina and Holly. A few hours later, the four of us fill our tummies with Levivot – Hebrew fried potato pancakes – made with shredded potatoes, eggs, onions, flour, salt, and pepper – deep fried in oil.
The food is not ready until after 9:30 p.m., the kitchen is a greasy mess, and we have piles of leftovers – but I literally love the experience. I tenderly embrace the agitated feeling of chaos in my tummy while reassuring the rumbling energy that we are going to have a wonderful week together – and that there is nothing to fear.
An Unexpected Twist
Thursday is another whirlwind day – only four hours of broken sleep – spending my morning studying and later performing a Shiatsu massage on Nadia – then rushing back to my favorite porch in San Marcos for another afternoon session of mystical magic.
I feel as if I am backsliding – exhausted from all of the growth and emotional processing through which I have been passing on an almost continuous basis. Keith reassures me that I am simply integrating and taking a much needed rest – reminding me that I just need to trust myself and to trust the process.
The next thing Keith tells me causes the afternoon take on a very unexpected twist.
“Brenda, you don’t know it yet,” Keith giggles as he fills me in, “but a newspaper reporter from Argentina will be interviewing you today at 3:00 p.m..”
Flor, the reporter, is working on a large article that will appear in a Sunday magazine in Argentina’s largest newspaper, and her topic encompasses all of the spiritual stuff going on in San Marcos. Earlier in the day, Flor had already interviewed Keith.
“She wants to interview a spiritual seeker who has participated in my ceremonies,” Keith adds, “and I thought you would be ideal – especially since you have participated in so many other spiritual things here in San Marcos.”
The afternoon turns out to be quite the fun experience. The little digital recorder in my hand does not intimidate me in the least as I answer questions and share stories with Flor regarding my spiritual journey. I even talk about my ongoing adventures with a three-year-old little girl who currently lives in my solar plexus.
I do have to admit, however, that I begin to feel slightly silly as Flor whips out her digital camera and spends fifteen minutes snapping numerous photos of me with various backdrops of flowers, etc… But I am proud of myself for not feeling the slightest bit of vanity. I could care less that my hair is flying around, that I am wearing old jeans and a simple top, and that I have not got a stitch of makeup on my face. I love the simple life.
Birthday Wishes
Today just also happens to be the real-life birthday of Sharon. She is now officially twenty-five years old. Sharon, Tina, Holly, Keith, and I enjoy a beautiful evening of food and conversation at the Japanese restaurant – but I am desperately eager to get some rest.
Ever since Sharon moved in, we have both been so busy that I am craving the opportunity to simply sit down and talk, but that will have to wait a little longer as my exhausted head hits the pillow at 9:15 p.m. on Thursday evening.
Sleepless In San Marcos
After two hours of delightful sleep, I again surrender to unwanted promptings. At precisely 11:30 p.m. I wake up with the intuitive feeling that an anxious and eager little three-year-old girl wants to talk – and she wants to talk right now! It seems that little inner-child Sharon is taking great delight in destroying my lifelong structures related to the concept of “normal” sleeping patterns.
In fact, little Sharon keeps me awake for most of the next four hours. I do not drift back to sleep until nearly 4:00 a.m. on Friday morning.
As I meditate with little Sharon’s energy, I get an uninvited earful – and then some. She is very afraid that I will try to make her conform and fit into a world of twisted belief systems if she comes out of her cage before I fully heal all of my own emotional issues.
She tells me that even though she knows that my intentions are honorable, that I have an “uppity attitude” – still believing myself to be the more mature one in the family. She is still very frightened that I have intentions to try to educate her – that I will cause some serious damage to her soul and try to put her into yet another box.
I am quite humbled as I further realize that I have a lot of shifting and healing to figure out before little Sharon will come out to play.
I finally go back to sleep, but am quite dysfunctional through much of the day – barely being present, not having enough energy to do much of anything. After an afternoon session with Keith, I return home to an animated real-life Sharon that wants to go out for more partying. It is Holly’s birthday and we must go celebrate.
Feeling nearly exhausted, I force myself to say no – “No, I am too tired to party tonight.” – “No, I cannot handle this pace of chaotic lack-of-sleep growth journey.”
As Sharon and Tina run out to find Holly, I lock the front door and begin to clean up some of the dirty dishes before going to bed. I seem to be coming down with a cough and a mild cold and I desperately crave some rest. As I fill my water bottle, I begin to cry as I smell the strong stench of cigarette smoke wafting around me. I have become quite adept at being around cigarette smoke without letting it bother me in the slightest. But tonight I have been pushed to my limits when I discover that Sharon has emptied a stinky ashtray into our kitchen wastebasket. The pungent odor of cigarette ashes is drifting through the air all around me.
“I can’t do this!” I exclaim to myself through emotional tears. “Sharon has to either quite smoking or leave.”
Minutes later I am crying myself to sleep.
New Perspectives
Saturday turns into a beautiful day. A restful night of sleep and meditation work their wonders on my soul. I awaken with a new-found courage to speak my truth – courage to share my truth from a place of pure and genuine love. Such a heart perspective makes a world of difference.
At first light, I lovingly and courageously share my feelings with Sharon – opening my heart in a vulnerable way while discussing my frustrations, my fears, and my struggles. During the resulting conversation, Sharon and I begin to feel a powerful and genuine bond. It amazes me how vulnerable honesty can create such a heart connection.
But then a few interruptions briefly sidetrack our time together. I need to make a quick trip to Panajachel for money and shopping – but Sharon first convinces me to join her for breakfast with Tina and Holly. I have not been this social in a very long time.
The afternoon is magical as I begin to be introduced to the real Sharonski. She shares one heart-felt story after another – telling me about her communal life growing up in a small Kibbutz in Israel. My heart warms with ever-deepening love as I learn of Sharon’s fears, her struggles, her joys, and her passions.
Keith had previously suggested that my inner child issues will become much clearer by the time that Sharon moves out. I begin to recognize the wisdom in Keith’s words as Sharon starts to share her earliest of memories – powerful and vivid memories that happened to her at the age of … you guessed it … three years old.
I will not publicly share Sharon’s personal experiences – they are not mine to share. But I can say that I am eternally grateful for the beautiful bond that begins to form between the two of us as Sharon opens her amazing and genuine heart to me on this beautiful Saturday afternoon.
I am still extremely exhausted – still wondering when my marathon of “not writing” will end – but as my head hits the pillow at 7:45 p.m. on Saturday night, one thing is absolutely certain. I am in the middle of something powerful and meaningful and I will play out this amazing growth experience until it reaches a beautiful conclusion. As much as it breaks my heart to say this, my writing will just have to wait.
Clinging to a Cliff
Sunday afternoon, I return for another session with Keith. I am mostly a silent observer during the majority of the chocolate ceremony – but as other people’s issues begin to wind down, I speak up, begging Keith for some personal help.
“I feel as if I am clinging to the edge of a high cliff.” I blurt out as tears begin to flow down my cheeks. “Even though I love the growth that Sharon and I are experiencing, I am physically exhausted and feel as if I am literally about to fall off the cliff, completely losing control of my life.”
After a short round of discussion and emotional processing, I reach a space of deep gratitude – gratitude for the powerful state of love and mutual trust that I am now feeling. This love and trust is simultaneously developing between both of the two Sharon’s in my life.
Physical exhaustion continues to consume my body, but deep peace warms my heart as I again spend another delightful restaurant-night-out with Sharon, Tina, and Holly.
Please Stay …
I can’t believe what I am saying.
“Sharon,” I lovingly volunteer. “Why don’t you stay for another day and go to a session with me at Keith’s. It might be great for both of us.”
Sharon had originally planned to stay only until Sunday morning. What I say next shocks me even more.
“And if you feel like you need to stay here for an extra week or two to do some more healing, that would be OK with me too.”
On the one hand, I leap for joy in the realization that I love Sharon so much that I am actually making such an offer with genuine feeling and intention.
On the other hand, a deep-seated sense of depression washes through my soul as I ponder the thought … “But what about my writing. If Sharon is here, will I have the strength and willpower to find time to write?”
In this moment I make a gut-wrenching mental compromise. “I guess I will just have to write a few sketchy journal-like blog entries in order to catch up on these amazing five weeks of growth. I am so far behind and feeling so overwhelmed. There is no way that I will ever find the time to fully share my healing stories the way that my heart wants to share them.”
The thought makes me want to burst out in tears – yet my heart also knows that offering up my home for two more weeks is the right thing to do.
Time to Redecorate
The Universe could not have set up the situation more perfectly. The only people who show up at Monday afternoon’s chocolate gathering are me, Sharon, and C.J. – the same friend who helped me to uncover my caged inner child exactly one week ago.
During a heart-warming session, real-life Sharon and I exchange beautiful words with each other – further deepening our friendship. But it is little three-year-old Sharon who steals the stage. My heart beams with joy as little Sharon soon decides to actually step out of her cage while visiting me in my heart space. I am completely unprepared for what happens next.
As little Sharon crawls out of her cage, she immediately begins to bounce all over the place, creating a feeling of utter chaos in my heart space. An image firmly implants itself in my subconscious mind. I visualize my heart space as a richly-decorated formal living room that is suddenly invaded by a wild little girl who wants to do nothing but engage in unruly rough-and-tumble play.
For over an hour, I observe with extreme discomfort as the over-active energy bounces wildly throughout my inner chest cavity. The nervous anxiety intensifies as I visualize little Sharon swinging on my fancy curtains, tipping over nick-knacks, jumping on the sofa, spilling soda, and wiping her sticky fingers all over my prized possessions.
The scene is almost comical. This internal energy is powerful, real, and deeply unsettling. Sheer uncontrollable chaos had been suddenly released in my heart – chaos that is about to turn my entire life upside down in ways that terrify my formerly organized and structured mind.
After what seems like forever, the intense anxiety eventually begins to relax. My heart gradually warms to the unfolding events while a new realization takes root in my mind. A deep sense of inner knowing tells me that it is time to redecorate my heart space.
At first, I imagine myself simply rearranging a few things – perhaps doing some intensive childproofing. Then the real solution floods into my awareness.
“I need to turn my heart space into a play room.” I ponder with a little giggle. “That sounds like a lot more fun.”
Playful Giggles
By the time that Monday evening (December 6) draws to a close, my heart overflows with profound love and gratitude for both of my two dear friends – real-life Sharon and my little imaginary inner-child Sharon.
I playfully login to Facebook and post a fun message to Sandra, my little penguin down under. “Have I told you lately how much I love … living with Sharon?”
Giggles fill my heart as I ponder how genuine and real those endearing words have now become.
Later that evening, as bedtime is fast approaching, Sharon and I invite our neighbor Tina to perform a huge favor. We need a camerawoman to record some beautiful loving moments. Our first set of fun-filled photos involves a playful acting-out of Sharon’s prediction that if we ever lived together, that we would end up killing each other. Giggles abound as Tina snaps photo after photo of Sharon and I choking, hitting, pulling hair, stuffing heads in toilets, and the like.
Next, my dear little Sharon crawls under her bed covers, puts on a little ski cap and pretends to be a sweet three-year-old little girl. My heart literally melts to mush as I see my precious little friend. I need to do a double-take to make sure that Sharon is not really the same three-year-old who holds such a loving place in my heart.
Moving On
Things could not have arrived at a more amazing and loving conclusion. Three days after my inner child convinces me to redecorate, I find myself tearfully hugging and embracing Sharon as she steps out of my life into the next phase of her own journey – a 9:00 a.m. shuttle to Antigua followed the next day by an eighteen-hour bus ride to Nicaragua.
As I reminisce about dear Sharon, my heart overflows with intense gratitude and love. I am so profoundly grateful to have shared an amazing healing journey with my dear friend – a journey that could only have been inspired and orchestrated from a higher dimension.
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sharonski?
My heart is again pulled into powerful memory-filled emotions from the epic movie, The Sound of Music – memories of a beautiful and playful Maria Von Trapp who won the hearts of millions by ignoring the rules – by remaining true to her own inner magic – and by singing her way through life with innocent and childlike creativity.
No, there is not a problem here needing to be solved. Instead, there is an amazing gift – a powerful and loving gift to be embraced, to be learned from, and to be integrated into the heart-strings of my life.
My heart goes out to both of the amazing Sharon’s in my life. May you never lose your child-like innocence, your wonderful creativity, and your genuine love and purity!
I love you both with all of my heart.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved