(This is the tenth installment of a series of posts describing my experiences in San Marcos, Guatemala from November 7th up to the present time. Subsequent posts will follow very soon.)
(Note – this is a continuation of “Surrendering to Love. If you have not yet read that posting, you should probably read it first.)
“It all seems like such an amazing dream,” I think to myself while slipping in and out of an early morning meditative state.
Passionately, I scribble notes for at least two hours – desperate to capture every amazing detail about yesterday’s life-altering journey with Keith. The experience is so fresh that I have yet to come down from the clouds.
Later, over breakfast, I apply my full attention onto Sharon. She is still not quite sure whether she will be leaving San Marcos later today – or perhaps tomorrow.
“Sharon,” I again express with genuine love, “please know that you can stay for another week or two if that is what your heart guides you to do.”
As those inspired words pass through my lips, another part of me reluctantly surrenders to sadness.
“But what about my writing?” I numbly console myself.
I have all but given up. I do not believe myself to be capable of writing while sharing my living space with friends.
“I will never have the time to catch up.” I sigh with despair. “There are simply too many distractions tugging on my heart strings – all at the same time.”
Embracing the Chaos
Keith, Have I told you lately how much I love you?
Yes, Keith is reading all of my blog entries, even the ones where I pour out my vulnerable heart regarding romantic confusions. He has been closely following my amazing journey of growth and surrender, silently and patiently observing the gradual shutdown of my passions to write, waiting for just the right moment to push my wake-up buttons.
It is late Wednesday afternoon, December 8, still less than twenty-four hours after the most amazing spiritual experience of my life. I am sitting quietly in a small chocolate ceremony on Keith’s magical porch. I feel a few annoying emotional twitches dancing around in my sacral chakra. Exhaustion and depression occupy the seats beside me, one on either side, persistently attempting to take hold of my hands.
Internal voices quietly whisper: “These energies in my tummy are related to a feeling of losing control – related to the confusing paradox of believing that spiritual intuitions are pushing me down a path of further surrendering to what feels like total chaos.”
Yet a deep internal knowing continues to reassure me that everything through which I have passed in the previous five weeks has been amazingly inspired – that it all needed to happen exactly as it did – that everything has indeed been perfect.
I am confused, almost-broken, compromising my passions, surrendering to the fact that the Universe must have other plans for me.
“Brenda,” Keith gently coaches, “I want you to open your heart. Embrace all of that terrifying chaos and invite it to come into your heart space for a visit.”
“Invite your Higher Self to sit with you during the visit,” Keith continues, “and be reassured that when your meditation is finished the chaos will indeed disappear.”
The idea of embracing more chaotic feelings is the last thing I want to do. Yet implicit trust of Keith allows me to surrender into yet another mystical journey into the subconscious world. For the next hour, Keith leaves me unattended in my meditative and magical journey with this terrifying chaos.
Fear grips my heart – fear of losing control – fear of not being able to do what I want to do – fear of being consumed by outside distractions.
I am anxious for this unpleasant experiment in consciousness to come to a rapid conclusion. The chaotic feeling is overwhelming. I again feel as if an unruly three-year-old has taken control of my once-orderly life.
Wake-up Call
An hour later, as Keith finishes up his work with others in the group, he asks casually, “Does anyone else have something that they would like to work on?”
“Uh, yeah!” I respond with a slightly annoyed feeling.
“Did you forget that you left me in a state of total chaos well over an hour ago?” I continue. “I was wondering if you can help me finish the process now. I am still feeling quite unsettled.”
Keith lovingly switches focus back to me, acknowledging that he is fully aware of my current energy.
What happens next causes me to rear back in stiff emotion-filled resistance. Keith begins to imply that I am lost and sidetracked – suggesting that perhaps my intuitions might be guiding me down a slightly-distorted path.
“Brenda.” Keith suddenly engages me in a very annoying verbal showdown, repeatedly asking me, “What does God want you to do?”
Each time that I attempt to answer, Keith seemingly nullifies my words with a phrase like “No, that is not what God wants you to do … God wants you to do what you want to do.”
(The full beautiful story is in my “Riding the River of Joy” blog.)
It takes a few minutes of stewing in my anger and resentment at Keith’s pushy, in-my-face confrontation before the vulnerable light of surrender finally shines brightly in my soul – before my icy resistance melts to a watery mush of deep emotion that swells in my heart.
My eyes cloud with thick tears as a powerful heartfelt response comes pouring unexpectedly out of my mouth.
“What God wants me to do … what I desperately want to do,” I exclaim with intense emotional power, “is to isolate myself for a week or two. I want all of the distractions out of my way. I just want to write and write and write and write and write.”
Tears stream down my cheeks and my voice shakes as I continue. “And I don’t want to simply write in a compromised journal-like style. I want to write with my old passionate style – the kind of writing where I am immersed in the passion for long hours – where I forget to eat – where I want to get up early and to stay up late. I want to put everything else on hold until my heart has had the opportunity to fully express itself.”
Continued Growth
The rest is well documented history. For nearly three weeks I have been passionately writing, nearly nonstop. Well over one-hundred-and-forty hours of deep soul-searching integration and creative expression have resulted in nearly one-hundred-and-twenty written pages overflowing with raw, genuine, emotional, growth-filled, life-changing stories.
But even in the midst of my renewed passion for writing – ongoing growth has continued – growth that simply cannot go unexpressed.
So here I am, still passionately writing on this beautiful Christmas morning – still playing “catch-up.” My heart continues to play so many melodies – so many songs of expression that must be sung.
Energy Shifts
Keith’s wake-up call has brought a new energizing outlook. Everything around me seems to be suddenly filled with new life and light.
Upon arriving at home, Sharon lovingly informs me that she has purchased a ticket to leave tomorrow on the 9:00 a.m. shuttle. While feeling sadness that my friend is leaving, the sad emotion is also accompanied by a profound peace telling me that the timing is perfect – that our shared healing together is now powerfully complete.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I tell Sharon about my rediscovered passions. My angelic friend responds with equal passion, relating how she suddenly sees me in a new light. She is standing before a beautiful and successful best-selling author – someone with whom she is proud and honored to have shared a part of her journey.
My heart swells with joy at the energetic shifts that seem to be taking place all around me.
Newfound Balance
Thursday morning, as Sharon and I share our final hours together, I also recognize a new sense of internal balance in myself. I spend an early morning passionately engaged in the first leg of what will soon become an energizing writing marathon.
Even more amazing is that I am actually doing my writing in the middle of the living room – with distractions progressing all around me. My energy is now so pure and balanced that occasional interruptions are welcomed, even enjoyed. In fact, I drop everything to spend a final hour of heartfelt conversation with Sharonski.
With this new balance, I suddenly realize that the only thing stopping me from writing has been me, my own energy, my own stubborn beliefs regarding the conditions under which I am capable of writing. I laugh at myself while fondly remembering the times where I used to spend hours writing in the town square of Cozumel, gleefully typing away in the midst of continuous distractions.
“Yes,” I remind myself. “My distractions have indeed been an inside job.”
Unexpected Thoughtfulness
Friday morning, as I write about an unbelievable swarm of bees, Keith knocks on my door. He has brought me a pound of raw cacao, carefully shaved into small pieces, tediously measured out into two-ounce packets. His beautiful act of unexpected thoughtfulness warms my heart. The chocolate will be put toward a powerful and spiritual purpose. Each day in which I write, I will mix up a one-ounce half-ceremonial dose to gently help open my heart to more inspiration and divine guidance.
On early Saturday afternoon, Keith again stops by unexpectedly to check on me – this time for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that he was walking by.
“I’m here to interrupt you for a while.” Keith announces with a smile.
I simply giggle inside as I realize that Keith is most likely following an intuition that I need to have my “newfound balance” tested just a wee bit. I am proud to disclose that the brief half-hour interruption was both welcome and enjoyed – not hampering my writing progress in the least.
Later Saturday evening, after jumping for joy about having published “Always There” – the third piece of writing in three days – I choose to celebrate by roasting a few marshmallows. Using a metal fork to dangle the marshmallow over the burner of my gas stove, I roast my white fluffy treat until it has a perfect golden-brown color and puffy consistency.
Believe it or not, I respond with shocked giggles when I accidentally place my lips on the hot sizzling metal of the fork. For the next three days I walk around with a large white semi-circle on my lower lip – but nothing, and I mean nothing, can spoil my glorious writing adventure.
Dental Debates
As I climb into the crowded public boat headed for Panajachel, I realize that today marks exactly one week since a loose crown slipped off the titanium implant on my left front tooth – an event that had happened on the very Tuesday morning that Keith and I were about to ride off into the sunrise on the way to purchase cacao beans in Xela.
Today, Tuesday December 14, I am off to remedy that dental dilemma. There are nearly thirty-five of us crowded into this tiny “lancha” – a boat that was most likely designed to carry only twenty-four passengers. As I look around at the group of fascinating travelers, I simply smile. A few high-school age youth sit in the back – youth from various places around the world, all on their way to attend school in Panajachel.
The rest of my travel companions are local indigenous people – a beautiful mix of Mayans from around the lake – men, women and children starting another round of daily life at Lake Atitlan. I take a brief moment to pinch myself. Deep gratitude overflows my heart as I contemplate the marvelous cultural adventure in which I find myself.
I arrive at the dentist’s office at just after 8:30 a.m., a full half hour before my scheduled appointment. I am grateful that I took the 7:30 boat. If I had waited for the next, I may have been late for what turns out to be a very quick and easy appointment.
The dentist speaks adequate English and seems quite skilled at slapping a little glue into my crown before pushing it back over the protruding implant post.
But what he tells me next both surprises and amuses me. The dentist proceeds to fill my head with fear – at least he tries – informing me that my tooth is in grave danger.
“You broke the post off, and the tooth will absolutely not last.” He warns me with serious concern. “You must go to a specialist in Guatemala City as soon as possible to get it fixed.”
I smile as I humor the dentist by writing down the name and number of the specialist. I try to explain that the implant post is not broken, that the short stubby rod is exactly the same length that it was when the tooth was first installed many years ago – but the dentist will simply not believe me.
“No, it is too short,” he continues to warn, “and you must not use this tooth for anything except to show your beautiful smile.”
Deep confidence fills my heart as I walk away with love – knowing that my tooth will be just fine exactly the way it is.
I contemplate returning immediately to San Marcos so that I can re-engage in my writing – but a spark of intuition pushes me in a slightly different direction.
Psychic Predictions
Minutes later, I feel a strong inner drive pushing me into a local internet cafe. After sitting down in front of an old computer, I quickly connect, via Skype, to a dear friend and adopted soul-sister back home – my dear friend Michelle.
The next ninety minutes overflow with joyful tears and heartfelt discussion. Intense emotional release consumes my soul as I share a series of powerful growth stories. Peace fills my heart as I talk about an amazing afternoon in a dark and humid room – sitting in gentle and calm hot spring waters – having the most intense spiritual experience of my life while surrendering to the infinite energies of unconditional love.
My dear friend Michelle is often quite psychic. Many times her words prove to be incredibly accurate and timely. Whenever Michelle begins relaying psychic messages to me, I always listen with pure love and fascination. While Michelle’s words do not always prove to be entirely accurate at the physical level, one thing is absolutely certain in my mind.
Michelle’s words always trigger powerful growth at a more energetic level. I have intuitively learned that when I pay close attention to her bursts of psychic insight, they invariably guide me into loving experiences that result in amazing growth.
(I love you with all of my heart Michelle. Please, please, please, never stop sharing your psychic intuitions with me!)
Imagine my confusion when Michelle suddenly accesses her psychic intuitions and begins to tell me about Keith’s deep romantic love for me. Michelle literally insists that my relationship with Keith is much more than a mere friendship.
After thirty minutes of tearfully discussing such confusing insights with Michelle, her psychic insights nearly have me convinced – convinced that maybe I am burying my head in the sand – that maybe I need to open my vulnerable heart even more.
Loving Dilemmas
“Could it be true?” I ask myself. “Is it possible that Keith does indeed feel romantically inclined toward me?”
“If so,” I ponder, “what do I do? … How should I respond?”
My first reaction is to again strongly remind myself that not everything Michelle tells me turns out to be true at the physical level.
“But why …,” I ponder while thinking about the drive home from Xela, “… just why did Keith feel a need last week to strongly point out that being in a Holy Relationship does not preclude having a romantic relationship as well?”
“Was Keith trying to tell me something with that point of clarification? … Could it be that he was testing me … giving me an innocent hint to fish for my reaction?”
Then I remember the many thoughtful acts of kindness that Keith has performed this week – stopping by to check on me, bringing me cacao, etc…
“Of course I would do such things for any of my dear friends.” I remind myself. “That is what friends would do for each other. But could Keith’s actions mean something more?”
My imagination begins to run wild. I had believed my confusions to be fully resolved and behind me – but I have never before had such a close friendship with someone of the male gender. My heart doesn’t quite know how to interpret the emotions that are uncontrollably bouncing around inside.
I want to believe Michelle’s words about romance. I would love them to be true. A loving and caring romantic/physical relationship with someone like Keith has begun to sound so healing and so inviting. It has been such a very long time, and I crave the thought of being lovingly held and cherished in a romantic and physical way.
But no, I definitely do NOT want to believe Michelle’s words. There is too much risk, too much possibility of awkward entanglement, too much opportunity for hurt and rejection, too much danger that such involvement would derail my current healing path.
Haunting words of early-April meditative insights then echo through my mind: “It is time to open my heart to the possibilities of a relationship.”
“What if Michelle is right?” I ponder with terror. “What if romance with Keith is a part of my path?”
“But then again,” I counter, “what if Michelle is wrong? What if I make an utter fool of myself?”
I freeze up with inaction.
The only safe thing to do is to leave everything in the hands of the Universe. I will simply continue my passionate writing. If some type of romantic connection is destined between Keith and I, such a connection will soon reveal itself. There is nothing that I need to do except to remain genuine, loving, and vulnerable, allowing myself to sit back in my seat and to enjoy the ride.
Hamburger and Fries
I begin to literally recognize everything in the world around me as an unfolding stage play, continuously putting situations in front of me to synchronously trigger elements in my own personal journey.
On Wednesday afternoon I need a break from writing, so I head off to my favorite magical porch. During the beautiful chocolate ceremony, one of the women expresses a feeling of exhaustion, indicating that she feels as if she just wants to lie down and to be held. To my surprise, Keith takes her literally, and quickly asks one of the gentlemen in the group if he is willing to let this woman rest in his arms for a while.
From across the circle, I watch with jealous envy as I wish with all of my heart that someone would simply wrap their arms around me too. Michelle’s psychic words regarding love and romance are really starting to work their way under my emotional skin.
When group attention focuses on me, I am completely shut down, incapable of being genuine or real. I dare not ask for what I really want – to simply melt into someone’s strong supporting arms.
A few minutes later, as Keith asks me to participate in helping another man with his own internal processes, I suddenly connect with the cause of my own struggle. I am stuck because I am once again taking life too seriously – trying to be in control from an adult perspective rather than following my inner magic.
To my amazement, I easily and quickly slip back into a joyful feeling of surrender – turning my life over to present moment playfulness. For the remainder of the day, all of my fears and concerns simply melt away, back into the present moment.
Yes, my writing had begun to feel more like an obligation, driven by adult responsibility and commitment. From now on, I commit to only write when my heart is fully engaged in a feeling of playful expression.
Wednesday evening, rather than returning home to a growing feeling of “I have to write some more”, my little inner child takes over with a vengeance.
“We are not cooking tonight!” The little angel demands with stubborn determination. “We are going out for our favorite hamburger and fries over at the Blind Lemon – and then we are going to watch a fun movie before bed.”
I love my little inner child. Life seems so much simpler when I allow her playful magic to guide me.
Awkward Confessions
To my utter amazement, the unexplainable stage play continues to synchronously unfold around me on Thursday.
After writing passionately all morning, my heart again guides me to Keith’s porch. I have become tired and unmotivated while attempting to finish writing about an amazing experience with “Lightning Bolts.” I desperately need further spiritual grounding and emotional integration.
A small group of us are gathered. After another woman completes a meaningful hour of deep emotional work, she ends her powerful processing with a deep heartfelt question to Keith. This woman asks something like: “It seems like all I ever have in my life are friendships based on unconditional God-like love. Do you think I will ever heal enough to be capable of a healthy romantic relationship?”
As that processing soon ends, Keith then turns his magical focus in my direction, asking me what I want to work on.
“I think that what she just said is what I am also struggling with.” I speak up timidly. “I would love to have something more than just an unconditionally loving ‘God-like’ relationship. I too am beginning to question if I will ever have romance in my life.”
To my utter shock and amazement, the other woman and her friend soon depart, leaving Keith and I alone together. It seems that the Universe is doing everything synchronously possible to force me into confronting the confusion growing inside of me.
My stomach ties itself into a huge knot. After blurting out my vulnerable feelings, I now unexpectedly find myself alone with the very man onto whom I am projecting my relationship fears and vulnerabilities.
I want to run away … but my heart is clear on this one. It is time to face this challenge head on. I will sit back and allow the stage play to continue unfolding.
Beating Bushes
As much as I want to talk openly and honestly about my emerging struggles, I begin to panic. I do not dare to breach the subject with Keith in a head-on manner.
I have not yet had the opportunity to integrate my confusing emotions, to fully explore my feelings and vulnerabilities. I feel ill-equipped, completely unprepared to bare my soul.
My heart beats ever so rapidly.
“Shutting down my heart again is definitely not the answer.” I remind myself with love. “If I am real, genuine, and vulnerable, I can simply sit back and enjoy the ride of growth.”
I have absolutely no attachment to romance. In fact, I feel deeply puzzled by the sudden romantic hooks that seem to have been unexpectedly thrust into my heart – as if out of nowhere. I never saw those hooks coming. I am so confused.
Keith and I are soon immersed in a deep private discussion about the beautiful spiritual experiences through which I passed while basking in the hot springs at Xela.
Several times during our conversation, I openly express to Keith how deeply that I love him – in a spiritual “Holy Relationship” sort-of-way of course. But we both know that I am simply beating around the bush, trying to buy a little more time.
Keith can clearly read the energy of others, and I am simply not doing a very good job at hiding the confusing emotions that consume me. I only pray that Keith does not take me for a fool.
For whatever reason, Keith also seems to beat around the bush. With one sentence he clearly states that he himself is not ready for another relationship. Then, in another confusing sentence he utters something that leaves me guessing again.
“Why can’t Keith simply say something concrete, letting me know that a relationship is not an option?” I ask myself with frustration. “Why do his vague words seem to leave me hanging?”
As I walk home Thursday evening, confusion rules my heart.
But I am also peaceful and content – quite proud of myself for remaining genuine, honest, vulnerable, and unattached to outcomes. There is no doubt in my mind that I am in the midst of powerful growth – and that the end result will be amazing.
The part of me that remains the “observer” continues to remind me to remain fully present and to remember that everything is an inside job.
Heart in Hand
I awaken with a start. The bedroom is dark, and a quick check reveals that it is 5:00 a.m.. I resist the earliness of the hour, close my eyes, and attempt to return to dreamland – but all such attempts prove futile. Unexpected feelings consume my heart. I am incapable of stuffing the sentiments back down. The more I push, the stronger the puzzling sensations rebel and fight back.
I grab my laptop, hoping for a distraction, but the internet connection is not working – an all-too-common occurrence as of late.
Frustration again urges me to try going back to sleep – but the confusing heartache is growing, demanding my attention, demanding it now. As Friday morning inches into reality, I finally surrender to the realization that resistance is futile.
As I meditate, a vivid image implants itself firmly into my subconscious mind – an image that sends deep emotions through my soul, causing the floodgates to open wide in my now-red eyes.
My chest cavity has been skillfully pried open. My still-beating tender heart – a heart that should be thumping away inside of my chest – no longer resides in the safety of its familiar home.
As I visualize the soft tissue surrounding my vibrant pink heart, a strong intuition tells me that all of the protective walls have been magically torn down. Every barrier that kept my heart safe from hurt and rejection has been peeled away or dissolved. With no more walls, fences, barriers, or steel vaults, what remains is exposed and unarmed, open and trusting, completely defenseless and terrifyingly vulnerable
As my visualization continues, I recognize that my heart rests securely in the palm of a large masculine hand – a hand that is outstretched directly in front of me. A quick glance upward reveals a loving and familiar face. It is my dear and trusted friend Keith who warmly holds my still-beating and unprotected heart.
Vulnerability and confusion become my dance partners as the visualization continues.
“What are these feelings inside of me?” I ponder through tear-filled eyes. “Who put them there? What is their purpose?”
“I am a ball of soft warm clay and Keith is the potter.” The intuitions continue to flow.
“Can I trust Keith to help me mold my heart-clay into a divine symphony … to do it with no ulterior motives … without trampling on my exposed and unprotected vulnerability?”
Angel’s Operating Table
Keith often refers to the process as the “angel’s operating table.”
For the entire morning I struggle with deep vulnerability that actually borders on love-sickness. I cry, I pout, I curl up in a ball on the bed, I mediate, I write, I pout, I cry, and I curl up some more.
I have reached a point of total surrender – surrender to spirit – surrender to love – surrender to trust – surrender to the unknown process. I have no concept of what is happening to me, nor do I have the slightest clue as to where this unimaginable and frightening feeling of love-sick vulnerability might be leading me.
I recognize that energetic shifts are taking place inside – but I am completely unaware as to what exactly is shifting and changing. All I can do is trust in a strong inner knowing – a deep inner intuition that continues to whisper that I am exactly where I need to be – that I am right in the middle of an amazing growth process.
At noon, after seven non-stop hours of confusing internal feelings – feelings that continuously call for my surrender – I know only one thing for certain.
Vulnerabilities or not, I am about to walk over to my favorite magical porch.
Vulnerable Surrender
For the third day in a row, I am amazed by the synchronous stage play that again unfolds, as if for my very benefit.
Even though Keith’s normally scheduled class begins at 12:30 p.m., he is already in the middle of doing some powerful emotional work with a young couple. Keith invites me in, but requests that I sit quietly in the shadows while he continues.
For the next hour, I observe as Keith pulls out one magic trick after another, assisting this loving couple to engage in a deep journey of heart sharing – a journey in which he teaches them to channel their masculine and feminine energies to each other – a deep loving journey of emotional surrender. My heart melts as I watch the loving expressions on this couple’s faces as they stare into each other’s souls. How I long for such a relationship in my own life.
As this couple finally departs at 1:30 p.m., there are three of us left. As if on cue, the other young man who remains excuses himself for a cigarette break, leaving Keith and I alone for the second time in two days. We have just enough private time for me to expose all of the vulnerabilities of my heart.
I don’t waste any precious time.
“I feel as if my tender heart has been gently removed from my chest.” I apprehensively tell Keith as tears begin to stream rapidly down my cheeks. “All of the walls and barriers protecting my heart have been torn down. My heart is now terrified, sitting vulnerably in the palm of your hand.”
“I don’t know what to do.” I continue my shaking and tearful confession. “I have been crying, meditating, and struggling for seven straight hours. Please, help me … and please be gentle with my heart.”
In the most loving way possible, Keith first gives me the perfect closure that I seek, tenderly reassuring me that he is not now in a place where he is capable of involving himself in a relationship – lovingly emphasizing that his reasons have absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with me.
“I feel so relieved.” I tell Keith with a sigh. “I am actually quite terrified at the thought of entering into a romantic relationship.”
I am quite surprised to hear my own words.
Relationship Magic
“Close your eyes.” Keith calmly tells me. “Let’s explore that relationship terror.”
“Tell me why you are so afraid of a relationship.” Keith continues, as he begins to pull out his next bag of tricks.
I quickly relate a detailed story of how I completely lost myself in my last relationship ten years ago – of how it took me years of painful struggle to heal and to rebuild my life.
“I know it sounds selfish,” I begin to respond, “but if I ever get into another romantic relationship, I cannot and I will not allow my own personal needs to be sacrificed. I would need to have the freedom to follow my heart in whatever way it guides me – no matter what – and I would expect my partner to have the same freedom.”
Keith latches onto my words and blows me away when he pulls a beautiful white rabbit out of his metaphorical magician’s hat.
Keith points out a once-hidden fact that suddenly becomes clear and obvious.
Not only is “losing myself” my biggest fear when it comes to romantic relationships – it is also my biggest fear with every type of situation and relationship – especially with roommates and close friendships.
If I get too involved in anything, whether it be with a friend or with an activity, I will loose control of my own life – I will be restricted from following my own passions – I will be sucked into the wake of someone else’s speed boat, following behind them instead of listening to my own heart – instead of blazing my own trail.
As if this insight is not enough, Keith quickly pulls an even larger rabbit out of his magic hat.
“Brenda,” Keith coaches me, “You are not afraid that someone else will take your power from you. You are afraid because you absolutely know that you WILL give your power away – guaranteed – a done deal – even if no one asks for it. That is who you are … that is what you do … that is the essence of what you are afraid of.”
Shock and Awe
I am shocked as I internalize Keith’s powerful words. I absolutely know them to be true.
I am not afraid of relationships because they will take away my power … I am afraid of relationships because I will sacrifice my power to them.
My fear has nothing to do with the other person taking – my fear has everything to do with me sacrificing myself. I am internally programmed to sacrifice my own needs. That is my belief regarding what a friend or partner should do.
At last I realize why I crave privacy – why I long to have my own space – why I am so terrified, selective, and protective when faced with the daunting opportunity for new friendships.
I simply do not trust myself to care for my own needs – to put my own passions first.
I am in awe as the amazing power of this new insight settles into my soul.
I am still operating under the subtle guidance of childhood programming that is not mine – programming telling me that to be loved I need to please others – programming telling me to sacrifice my own needs for the good of others. I no longer want such an unhealthy operating system ruling my subconscious behaviors.
First, Keith takes me on a journey where I surrender this obsolete programming, giving it back to mother earth. Next, I ask Higher Self to bring in new light and divine programming to replace the now-empty space in my soul.
While I do already feel subtle energy shifts, I intuitively realize that this is an experience that will require time to quantify and to validate.
Roundtrip to Hell
“Brenda,” Keith queries. “Do you like your newfound vulnerability, or would you rather go back to a safe place where you live surrounded by protective walls?”
The answer is obvious. My heart sings as I choose my newfound freedom and vulnerability.
“Let’s take a journey back to where you came from.” Keith encourages me.
The thought terrifies me, but I soon allow Keith to guide me back into a dark and fearful place – a place in my subconscious where love and vulnerability are shielded from a risky world – protected by walls, barriers, fences, steel vaults, and locked cages.
As I enter this terrifying space, my skin crawls with the cold chill of emotional isolation – with the stark awareness of fear and anxiety crouching in every dark and musty corner.
“I don’t want to stay here!” I express to Keith with uneasy concern.
Keith guides me repeatedly, out and then back into this former place of safety and security. Each imaginary journey helps me to realize that remaining in such a hidden and dark place is simply no longer a viable option.
After repeated round trips into this unpleasant experience of closed-off isolation, Keith tells me that I am now about to go even deeper – right down to the very bottom of this frightening dark pit.
“If you go there,” Keith lovingly reassures me, “I am guided to promise that you will find a gift on the ground. When you discover that beautiful gift, you can bring it back with you. It will be yours to keep.”
The first few steps of this new meditative journey are quite like those of the previous fifteen minutes. But with each imagined downward step, sheer terror and panic soon begin to crowd my soul. I start to shake and to cry. Fear all but consumes me as I go still deeper and deeper into the thick cold darkness.
Soon, I reach what I know to be the bottom. As I look around through the stiff darkness, searching for my gift, I finally discover a little wrapped box. Intuitively I know that my gift contains light and love.
I am quite happy to leave this dark place for the final time, but I am even more thrilled to have an increased awareness of the light and love that are now illuminating my path. I will never retreat back into those walls – walls that provide only a counterfeit version of safety.
Vulnerability and genuine openness are so much more fun.
Subtle Shifts
“Brenda,” Keith begins a new train of thought. “I just read your blog entry titled ‘Lightning Bolts.’”
“That was an amazing experience – a powerful gift to get your attention.” Keith tells me with confidence. “But something much more subtle and even more powerful is going on inside of you right this very minute. Things are powerfully shifting in your internal belief systems. You need do nothing to make it happen – but you can shut it down at any time if you want.”
Somehow, I know what Keith is saying to be true.
Yes, having powerful lightning bolts of high-voltage electricity running through my fingertips is one thing – but feeling my entire outlook on life shifting in subtle yet powerful ways is even more amazing.
Synchronous Symphonies
I begin to reflect on an amazing series of synchronous threads that have brought me to this powerful healing moment. It seems as if many different instruments have been harmoniously playing, carefully guiding me into this powerful symphony of growth.
There are far too many synchronicities to mention them all, but I must mention a few.
First were experiences in Tikal, nine long months ago, followed by dreams and meditation that told me quite clearly, “Tear down your walls and open your heart to the possibility of relationships.”
Then there were surprising comments from Merrill, just three months ago, filling my head with relationship thoughts involving Keith.
Next, how could I forget Keith’s subtle guidance – an inner knowing telling him to invite me along on an unforgettable journey.
Then a silly little tooth fell out on the very morning of that amazing journey – a profound journey into spiritual surrender that has forever left its mark on my life.
Next, that same loose tooth guided me to a dentist in Panajachel – a place where I was subsequently guided to a Skype connection. Had I not made that call, and had Michelle not followed her own psychic intuition, I could never have reached such a pure and genuine state of vulnerability.
Then, for three days in a row, amazingly synchronous events repeatedly pushed me to expose my vulnerabilities – guiding me to tear down the final walls surrounding my heart – pressing me to a state of absolute vulnerability and surrender.
And then there is Keith.
Keith, have I told you lately how much I love you?
This amazing spiritual magician did indeed prove himself to be a skilled potter, lovingly and gently molding the soft warm clay of my heart – helping me to find powerful growth lessons in my beautiful state of vulnerability – helping me to recognize and to understand how my emotional romantic projections onto him have helped me to heal deep emotional vulnerabilities from my past.
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly teases me, “I am here for whatever you need. Please know that you can project anything that you need to project onto me, and that I will be here to help you unravel your healing lessons.”
A Beautiful Friendship
Yes, I do indeed have a pure and divine friendship with my dear friend Keith. I am so eternally grateful that he has allowed me to process my intimate inner journey in such a public way.
As insignificant as it may seem to the casual eye, surrendering to the deep vulnerabilities of my own heart has literally been one of the most profound experiences of my life.
I cannot wait to see where my beautiful friendship with Keith might lead me next.
Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved