Brenda's Bicycles

I watch in awe as Keith masterfully guides my dear friend through a long hour of deep inner child work. It is Sunday night, January 23. Keith is still going strong, even after a five-hour chocolate ceremony with twenty-five people crowded onto the tiny porch. What I learn tonight, simply by watching and observing this impromptu session, feels more valuable to me than three years of schooling.

Monday morning, my friend’s profound inner child work continues via private appointment. At one point during this three-hour session – a session in which I am honored to participate – I experience a personal memory flash that catches me off guard.

I can see the scene as if it were yesterday. I am an angry young child, rebelling as my mother attempts to force me to take a nap against my will. I had been happily playing with friends before being called in for my family tribunal. I feel annoyed and justified in throwing a tantrum.

“Why do I have to take a nap?” I demanded angrily. “I’m not tired. This is stupid.”

Crystal Curiosity
I cannot explain it. The crystal seems to be calling to me and I simply obey. This large chunk of elestial quartz has not exactly been my favorite playmate. Experience tells me that every time I hold it, my abdomen is soon rocking and rolling with unpleasant energy – energy that wants to be explored, to be understood.

“I guess I will be doing more personal work today.” I mumble to myself as I honor my inner guidance, placing the large crystal smack dab in the middle of my tummy. I am determined not to interrupt my friend’s powerful inner child work, but at the same time I am quite curious, willingly surrendering to my own unknown journey ahead.

Childhood Programming

During the afternoon group ceremony, I continue to hold the large elestial quartz crystal close to my tummy. The rumbling energy continues to echo in my belly.

Early on, Keith guides us into a familiar meditation in which we visualize a basket in front of us. In my basket, the only thing I can feel is a small black rock – perhaps two inches in diameter. As I metaphorically reach into the basket and grasp the dark stone in my fingers, I notice that the black roundish rock suddenly transforms into a small quartz crystal – yet if I set it back down into the basket, the crystal again reverts to a small black rock.

The whole exercise seems silly, like pure imagination, yet I mentally grasp onto the one idea that flashes through my mind: “What seems to be a plain and ordinary stone will transform into a treasure if I pick it up and examine it.”

The first thing that comes to mind is a flashback from this morning – the powerful memory of me throwing a tantrum in the living room of my childhood home. I am extremely angry at being forced to take a nap. Prior to this moment, I was not the least bit tired or ornery. My parents are forcing me to follow a rule that makes absolutely no sense to my playful and innocent mind. I protest angrily. I don’t want to obey such a stupid rule just because my parents say so.

Then another memory enters my mind – something I have not thought about for a very long time. I recall that as a very young child I often felt extremely frustrated about having to go to church every Sunday. I didn’t like always going to church. The many weekly meetings were so stuffy and boring. Whenever I verbally complained, I was “lovingly coerced” to see things differently – for my own good, of course.

Almost immediately, a Mormon children’s song flashes into my mind. Just this morning I had woken up to the music of this very song. One of my neighbors was playing it loudly down below the kitchen window – in Spanish of course. As I listened, I had done a silly dance around the kitchen, singing the words with giggles while Rae looked on with a huge smile.

“Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, to shine for him each day. In every way try to please him, at home, at school, at play. A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me for a sunbeam. A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I’ll be a sunbeam for him.”

I have long understood my childhood programming at the rational level – but for the first time in my life, I begin to go much deeper into an emotional understanding of the manner in which I was taught to be a conforming citizen.

Tears form in the corner of my eyes as anger begins to swell in my heart – anger at how my magic was squashed – anger at somehow being “broken” like a horse.

“Rip up the floor boards – go deeper – go down another level.” Keith tells me as I describe the insights that are currently flowing through my mind.

A Fatherly Clone

With continued meditation, I follow a chain of seeming-unrelated memories: I notice that my intestines are churning even more wildly with the increased emotion – A memory pops into my head regarding how raw potatoes cause me to develop horrible smelling intestinal gas – I remember that my father is the one who taught me to eat raw potatoes.

“Perhaps if I examine my relationship with my father,” I ponder with a flash of insight, “just maybe I will find the treasure of insight into something that currently seems so plain and ordinary.”

I profoundly love my father. While he rarely expressed his love in the form of hugs and intimate words, I always knew that he loved me with all of his heart. Through his devoted example, he taught me to work hard, to serve others, to be even tempered, to never fight or argue, to never express anger, to love the outdoors, to sacrifice self for the good of others, to value education, to use my intellect, to finish tasks, etc…

As I ponder further, I begin to realize that I have never questioned the wisdom of any of these powerful lessons. On deeper examination, I recognize that not all of these wise character lessons have served me. The values that really start to jump out at me are ones such as being even-tempered, never expressing anger, sacrificing my self for the benefit of others, and always finishing everything I start, even if my heart is no longer in the task.

“But those are all good traits!” I remind myself.

“No they aren’t.” I counter. “Not when taken to unhealthy extremes.”

Sacrificing myself – sacrificing my own needs – is one of my most dysfunctional traits. Being afraid to express my true self – my true feelings – in ways that may seem controversial to others is also right up there at the top of the list.

“I have spent my entire life trying to be my father.” I suddenly exclaim to Keith. “Most of my most positive traits come from attempting to subconsciously emulate my dear father … yet most of my continued emotional dysfunction is also profoundly related to that same quest.”

“Now is the time to begin questioning every element of my childhood conditioning.” I tell myself in deep meditation. “Now is the time to peel back yet another layer of beliefs – beliefs that falsely define who I am and why I am that way.”

The deep inner exploration is ongoing. The treasure is beginning to reveal itself.

Premonition of Growth

Three days pass quite peacefully – days in which I write, engage in delightful conversations with Rae, and continue to explore my budding intuitions as a healer on Keith’s porch.

I expect Thursday, January 27, to be a continuation of the easy flow. As I sit in an afternoon chocolate gathering, a beautiful smoky quartz crystal grabs my fancy. The crystal silently begs me to hold it.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts unexpectedly, “there is a reason you chose that crystal today. It is a teacher crystal, and it is going to teach you something today – pay close attention.”

“I guess I am in for more growth.” I giggle silently.

Bottom of the Class

While engaging in deep meditative thought, continuing to stare into the beautiful quartz crystal, I begin to realize that today’s lesson will be somehow related to the process of opening up my heart to yet another level of understanding.

As I contemplate just what that new level of understanding might be, I begin to feel quite inadequate in fulfilling the goal. Actually the word “intimidated” might be a more accurate description of my emotion.

As I look around the circle, I recognize that I am surrounded by people for whom deep and magical energy connections seem to be as easy as eating or breathing. Yes, of course these other beautiful souls on Keith’s porch are still learning to recognize and to utilize their magical healing abilities – but they make much of the process look so simple and easy once they get the hang of it.

Even more humbling is that many of those who simply walk in off the street seem to have more energy awareness and skills than do I. Many of them are less than half my age – beautiful young people who have been born into the world with empathic gifts that, once understood and developed, will enable them to be powerful healers.

“Smallness” consumes my soul. I begin to feel as if I belong in the remedial section of the “energy 101 class for dummies.” When looking in a comparative mirror, I see myself as a failing student in a class full of geniuses.

A Differing Perspective

“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “hold your hands out in front of you. In one hand, imagine yourself as a failure, at the bottom of the class for dummies. In the other hand, imagine yourself as a top student, at the head of your class.”

Keith then repeatedly guides me into experiencing the emotions of each extreme, back and forth. I cycle into tears as I allow myself to feel one extreme, then I slide into love and confidence as I experience the other. Over and over, Keith has me visualize and experience the emotions of these two extremes, each time having me return to a centered place in the middle of the pendulum swing.

Again, Keith invites me to experience being at the top of the class, telling me that while I am there I will be given a gift.

“What gift do you find?” Keith asks with curiosity.

“It is a gold star on my forehead.” I respond with a giggle as I visualize my teacher placing the small sticky star just above my third eye chakra.

“Go back again and you will get another gift.” Keith guides me further.

As I renter the meditation to look for my next gift, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of deep unconditional love.

“And you recognize this gift as love.” Keith almost immediately interjects before I even have a chance to express what I am feeling.

Amazingly, I no longer feel small. With a heart overflowing with unconditional love, I know that I am exactly who I was meant to be – that yes, I am different in my own special ways – that my own unique gifts will yet bring light and blessings to this beautiful world.

A Different Kind of Music

A song instantly flashes into my mind – a very different and unique song from one of my favorite Christmas albums. It is a story-telling song titled “Handel’s Dream” found on Michael McLean’s “The Forgotten Carol’s” album.

In the beautiful little story, the great composer Handel is said to have a dream that he is a tiny angel in heaven. He hears that there will be an audition for angels to sing at the announcement of Christ’s birth. Desperately wanting to be a part of the glorious choir, the young angel auditions, singing his heart out. But he is lovingly turned away for a very obvious reason – he cannot sing.

Later in the story, the little angel discovers that his heart is filled with beautiful music. The heavenly choir master lovingly reassures the little angel that even though he cannot sing in the choir, that his time will come – that his music will be sung around the world. The story finishes with a medley of some of Handel’s most famous music.

As I ponder the beautiful story in my heart, I am filled with joyful realization – realization telling me that I am not meant to be one of the choir of gifted empaths that are so commonly attracted to Keith’s porch – realization telling me that I have my own unique healing gifts that I will one day share with the world in my own beautiful way.

With a heart overflowing with pure unconditional love, I stop comparing myself to others. The only thing I need do is to continue opening my own beautiful heart, continuing to let my own unique light flow through my veins.

Dance Delight

My worst nightmare is now an opportunity to express joyful loving self-confidence. Just minutes after ending Thursday afternoon’s powerful session on Keith’s porch, I find myself participating in an “Ecstatic Dance” class taught by none other than Ambe and Moses. They have reserved the large outdoor palapa (grass-roof-covered patio area) at a local hotel.

As I glance around at the more than twenty participants, I do not feel the least bit intimidated. The “old me” would have made a complete fool of myself. The “real me” simply laughs in the face of my biggest fear.

Before the guided, free-flowing dance experience begins, Ambe asks everyone to briefly check in, sharing names along with a little about where they are at with the experience. When my turn arrives, I publicly announce that “I am laughing in the face of my worst nightmare.”

I am quite proud of myself as the evening progresses. Filled with love and confidence, I do not have the slightest concern regarding what anyone else might be thinking. At times I whirl barefooted around the concrete floor with my eyes wide open, a smile on my face, and a giggle in my heart. At times, I close my eyes and simply shift my movements into an uninhibited meditation. My physical movements may not be considered graceful by professional dance critics, but my heart deeply applauds an internal display of graceful and loving confidence.

We finish the evening in much the same way that we began – once again circled up in a short round of sharing. When my turn arrives, I jokingly announce that I am frustrated by the fact that no one laughed at me. In response, most of the group lovingly chuckles at my confident words. I look across the patio at Keith, who responds to my quick glance with a huge grin and two thumbs up.

When another young woman takes her turn to share, she is moved to emotional tears. I recognize her as a beautiful young empath who occupied a seat on Keith’s porch just yesterday. Briefly hesitating, wondering what my role might be in the process, I watch with peace as Ambe and Moses invite the young woman to the front of the patio. Without hesitation, I know exactly what my role will be. I confidently scoot to the front of the circle, sitting directly in front of the young woman, holding her hands while staring into her eyes with a love-filled gaze. Soon, the remainder of the group has also moved forward, everyone connecting with each other – connected both with energizing love and with physical touch.

As the young woman continues her heart-felt crying, I simply stare into her eyes, holding a loving presence. The rest of the group remains silent. After a few minutes, I begin to gently sound a soft and confident “ooohhmmm”. Soon, the entire group joins in with beautiful harmony. Before long, the entire room, including the young woman, is giggling with joy and connection. I am humbled and deeply grateful for the opportunity to play a small role in what I recognize to be but a small portion of the unique inner music that is beginning to blossom inside of me.

Celebrating Growth

The evening is far from over. Keith, Ambe, Moses, Rae, Rae’s sister Skye, and myself all go out for dinner and visiting. A new aliveness is bubbling in my soul – a feeling of being high on life.

On Friday, January 28, I attempt to do some writing, but my heart strongly dictates, “No, you will spend the morning having a fun discussion with Rae and Skye.”

Skye had showed up on Wednesday, announcing her desire to share a room with Rae while she figures out what she wants to do in her own travels. With peace in my heart, I joyfully replied, “You are welcome here anytime, but the decision will be between you and Rae, since it is the two of you who will be sharing a room together.

In the afternoon chocolate ceremony, my heart is filled with deep, overflowing, unconditional love.

My newfound confidence in “dancing as if no one is watching” is spilling over into all aspects of my life. As I begin to feel more comfortable in my skin as Keith’s student healer, I lovingly recognize that my job is not to copy the healing techniques of others. Instead, my job is to do what comes naturally for me – to do what flows from within the music of my own heart. With all of my essence, I realize that I need simply surrender – surrendering to my heart – radiating unconditional love and responding to situations only when my heart guides me do or say something.

Celebrating a New Roommate

To my delight, as I arrive home from Keith’s porch, I discover that Rae and Skye have prepared a delicious meal. Dinner conversation is delightful and loving energy abounds. While I am busy chewing away on the final bites of my second soft-shelled taco, Skye looks up excitedly at her sister.

“Rae,” Skye announces joyfully, “I think I am staying.”

As the two beautiful sisters exchange hugs, I throw in my own two cents, “Skye, I am delighted to have you here. It is going to be a fun journey together.”

Later, as Rae and I have a quiet late-evening chat, she checks in with me one more time, wanting to be sure that I am OK with the new living arrangements.

“As long as you are happy, I am happy.” I respond. “My heart is overflowing with love and peace. The whole situation just feels right.”

I am so blessed to now have two beautiful roommates.

Top of the Class

As I prepare for sleep on Friday evening, my heart is indeed glowing with love and confidence. There is no doubt in my mind that I am indeed graduating at the top of my class.

It is not a large class, being simply a class of one – a class uniquely designed for me by my own higher self. No comparisons are needed and no grades will be given out. Mine is a gentle and loving class, a class where I need simply learn to be my true and genuine self.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved