Brenda's Bicycles

… Continued from “Don’t Wait Up” … 

Anton is a pure gentleman. Intermixed with the occasional energy meditation, the two of us talk and cuddle for hours. I love the safe and secure feeling of being held in his strong warm arms. 

In the past, thoughts of such an evening were nothing but fantasy – but now, in the very week in which I am healing many deeply rooted issues surrounding my rejection of masculine energy, the forces of the Universe have guided me to embrace that fantasy in a very real way. A sense of awe and wonder fill my soul as I realize that I am experiencing neither guilt nor regret, none whatsoever. 

Eventually, the active interactions fade as I attempt to surrender waking consciousness, craving the experience of simply falling asleep in Anton’s embrace – but a nagging little voice in the back of my mind constantly reminds me that this is a very unlikely event – that the simple act of sleeping while touching the energy field of another human body will continue to evade me. 

Finally, sometime between 1:00 and 2:00 a.m., I roll over in desperation, feeling absolutely drained.

“Anton,” I whisper tiredly. “I think I need to go home to get some sleep in my own bed. I simply cannot fall asleep, and I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow.” 

“Why don’t you just go up in my loft and sleep in the bed up there?” Anton volunteers. 

Kundalini Delight 

After perhaps two hours of broken sleep I suddenly wake up with a start. My attention is immediately drawn to some type of strange pulsing in my back. After ignoring an automatic urge to try to suppress the strange energy, I instead opt to embrace it, to relax my muscles and to allow the energy to flow unobstructed through my utterly exhausted body. 

Within seconds, I feel a mild and delightful energy flowing throughout my entire being – an energy that flows strongest from my root chakra up through my crown, focusing mainly in the area of my spine. Immediately, I recognize this energy as something I have felt on occasion – a very pleasurable, almost erotic energy that tickles the insides of my body as it circulates gently amid the sensation of soft vibrations. 

My thoughts flash to Anton, sleeping just eight feet below me, wondering if he is somehow transmitting this beautiful energy in my direction. I cannot help but assume that my experiencing of this amazing energy is somehow related to the unexpected events of the past five days. Nevertheless, I ignore any urge to investigate, choosing instead to fully immerse myself in the present moment. 

After what must be nearly an hour of immersion into pleasurable energies, biology finally gets the best of me. I eventually succumb to a desperate need to pee, beginning an awkward descent down the steep wooden ladder that separates me from Anton and his bathroom below. 

By the time I reach the bottom of the rickety ladder, the unavoidable squeaks and creeks have woken Anton, who kindly reaches his arm into the bathroom to flip on a light to aid me in my unfamiliar journey. 

Energy Feast 

Rather than returning to the rafters above, I make an unexpected decision to climb back into Anton’s arms, recognizing that I would rather play further with energies than attempt to force the unlikely outcome of further sleep. 

I ask Anton to guide me back into a meditation where I find myself basking in the energy of thousands of tiny quartz crystals, tickling and tingling over every square inch of my electrified skin. Then, for what feels like hours, Anton waits patiently while I engage in my own internal energy meditations. 

As I lie safely and securely in Anton’s arms, I simply inhale the magical energy environment that seems to vibrate from his very essence, using my imagination to direct the energy as it explores the unmapped territories of my now-tantalized skin. 

Reality Check 

By around 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning, my glorious energy meditations give way to a deep and honest conversation between Anton and myself.  

I am completely unprepared emotionally for what Anton shares. He talks openly and honestly about the general details of a long-term relationship in which he is involved back home – a committed, but non-exclusive (open) relationship with a beautiful woman that he loves. Anton goes on to tell me that he is planning to tell his partner about the two of us and the friendship that we are beginning to share. 

My gut reaction shocks me. For several weeks, I have been aware of another friend who lives in an open-relationship community. I have felt no judgment whatsoever toward her lifestyle. While listening to her experiences, I even bounced around various open-minded ideas in my own head – ideas that might help to safely pull me out of a sexually repressed shell. Yet a deeply rooted part of me had resolved that what I really want in a relationship, if I ever do enter into one, is a relationship where my partner is fully committed to an exclusive relationship with me. 

While listening to Anton’s unexpected words, I begin to sever my emotional connection with him, feeling a surge of self-righteous (but unexpressed) accusation aimed at Anton for not having shared these details with me earlier. 

Then I flash back to our conversation last night at the Japanese restaurant, less than fourteen hours earlier.

Conflicting Instructions 

“Are you in any type of relationship back home?” I had asked Anton at dinner. “Are you married or dating someone?” 

Then, before Anton could answer I had immediately interrupted. 

“No, don’t answer that.” I told him firmly. “It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t even know if I am interested in a relationship myself. I just need to experience a safe night of energy sharing and cuddling with a man.” 

Paradoxical Shutdown 

“How could I feel judgmental toward Anton,” I think to myself. “I specifically told him last night to not respond to my question about current relationships … telling him that I don’t care, that I am not sure if I am even interested in any type of relationship myself.” 

Yet apparently, a part of me does deeply care – and that part of me is now quietly projecting all over the place, while at the same time attempting to reign in those projections, not expressing them verbally until I have a chance to process my own emotions. 

As a result, I simply go numb and mostly silent, communicating in a bare minimum way, telling Anton that I am very tired from a long night of very little sleep and that I need some time to sort out my feelings. 

As I stare into Anton’s eyes while we continue to go through the motions of talking, I am shocked by what I see. Suddenly, I don’t even find him attractive. In fact, I feel strangely repulsed by the man in front of me. 

I find it amazing how emotion can make someone handsome one minute and ugly the next – without them changing anything at all about themselves. 

Persistent Scent 

As I arrive home to an empty apartment, I note that the time is around 10:30 a.m.. Part of me feels deeply dirty. Quickly stepping into the shower, I scrub my skin and wash my hair, desperately attempting to remove Anton’s unique scent – a scent that continues to linger on my body even after my shower is complete. 

In an added exercise of futility, I throw all of the clothes that I had been wearing into a laundry bag, determined to wash them as soon as possible. 

I am shocked by my own feelings and behavior. I recognize that I had a beautiful experience with Anton – that I was safe and loved, that we shared amazing energy together, and that he was fully honest with me – yet I now find myself in a state of mind where I utterly want to reject Anton, where I never want to see him again, where I want to completely block him out of my reality. 

An Old Loop 

I realize that I am deep in an old behavioral loop – a loop of betrayal and projection – a loop that I recognize as what happened after I broke up from my last relationship almost ten long years ago. Even so, my emotions of today are real, and I allow myself to feel them to the max. I have no idea what will ensue in my healing path, but I am determined to find out. 

That last breakup had been devastating, a breakup that left me deflated and lacking in personal identity. Only after several years of deep emotional struggle and suffering had I managed to fully begin my long healing journey.  

Now, a feeling of strong internal confidence tells me that what once took years will take only a matter of days. 

I feel bad for how my strange behavior must appear to Anton, but I know that I must fully pass through this old loop in order to completely understand and heal it. 

Kundalini Revisited 

Feeling exhausted, I curl up in bed in a desperate attempt at sleep, but rest is fleeting and unobtainable. After a while I attempt to meditate. To my surprise, I am soon deeply immersed in another mild Kundalini energy flow. My spine is alive with pleasurable energy dancing up and down. It is impossible to not draw the conclusion that somehow, my proximity to Anton’s energy has primed my body to be much more capable of flowing these beautiful energies inside of myself. 

As the energies finally leave my body, I am relaxed, feeling quite rested and much more stable in the emotional arena. 

Spill the Beans 

Finally Rae comes home from her own daytime activities. I am shocked to learn that she is going through her own emotional journey. The two of us eagerly swap stories, devour spaghetti, and do our own version of energy sharing on the daybed before walking out to Keith’s magical porch for an evening of bagging freshly ground cacao – cacao that is now a thick liquid that will soon harden. Rae and I will help get all of the chocolate into one-pound and half-pound plastic bags before the hardening process sets in. 

“Well, spill the beans.” Keith begs with a smile as I sit in his kitchen before Isaias arrives with the freshly-ground chocolate. 

Given that Keith is both my counselor and my friend, I freely share the general details of my confusing up-and-down roller coaster ride of emotional exploration. 

Did Someone Say Kundalini? 

Early Wednesday, I again awaken to another mild-but-pleasurable flow of Kundalini energy. 

“I could get quite used to this.” I tell myself as I bask in the energizing experience – the third such experience in just over twenty-four hours. 

Two Little Birds 

As Rae and I contemplate breakfast, we are both feeling low, sinking into another round of emotional confusion. She invites me to sit on her bed as we discuss our inner struggles while simultaneously staring out the open window. 

“Oh my gosh!” Rae suddenly exclaims. “Do you see that?” 

Just as the words pass through her lips, I too am startled as I watch two little birds land on the window shutters of Rae’s open window – one on each side of the window. The shutters are gently swaying under the mild influence of the bird’s momentum. 

“We’re supposed to go outside!” Rae intuitively pronounces at seeing this unique display of nature – one that neither of us has ever seen before. 

“Let’s go out for breakfast.” Rae continues. “Let’s go over to that restaurant by the lake, right by the hill on the west end of town.” 

Her intuition resonates true with my own, and the two of us are soon slipping out the front door. 

Guess Who 

Rae and I want nothing more than to simply talk to each other in the morning sun, exploring our emotional sagas while devouring a yummy breakfast against the gorgeous backdrop of Lake Atitlan.  

“What if Anton or the friend you are struggling with are there?” I ask Rae with a feeling of premonition. “What will we do?” 

Seconds later, as the restaurant comes into view, my jaw drops. There at the exact table where I sometimes like to sit is none other than Anton.

 Ignoring my urge to simply turn around and run, Rae and I approach Anton, asking if we can join him. His response to me is his own look of shock and surprise as he indicates that he has just been wishing that I would show up. (I rarely go out for breakfast). 

As if the Universe is simply toying with us, the young man with whom Rae is struggling also shows up in the same restaurant, less than five minutes later. 

Anton and I have a delightful conversation, but I remain quite emotionally reserved. Gratitude swells in my heart at the fact that I already feel as if I am beginning to let go and to heal my projections. I explain to Anton that I am simply going through my own process, asking him to please be patient with me, and to not take any of my behavior personally. 

Hill-Top Treat 

As breakfast conversation dwindles, Anton announces that he needs to leave for an appointment. Rae and I quickly take advantage of the opportunity to hike up our favorite local hill. 

The two of us share joyful tears while standing around a Mayan fire-ceremony pit, feeling the cool morning breeze dance against our skin while basking in the energy of the moment – a beautiful feeling of undeniable synchronicity that continues to bless both of our lives. 

But soon, it is time to scurry off toward our favorite magical porch for an afternoon chocolate ceremony. I cannot help but wonder how the ceremony will be, given the current awkwardness that I continue to feel toward Anton. 

Chocolate Confusion 

My afternoon on the porch is one of overflowing unconditional love. Somehow, two little birds, a synchronous morning meeting with Anton, and a subsequent joy-filled celebration in the breeze have left me filled and bursting with beautiful loving energy. I spend the entire afternoon simply glowing and sharing my energy freely with anyone who needs it – except for Anton that is. 

I am still not ready to reach out in a closer way. I watch with confusion as Anton further explores his own energy gifts. Keith asks him to do some energy sharing with a beautiful young woman in the group and I simply watch out of the corner of my eye. The young woman appears to be deeply enjoying the energy that is being shared with her. 

At one point, Anton gets Keith’s attention to ask advice regarding whether he is done sharing yet. In a teaching opportunity, Keith turns the question back around onto Anton, asking him to figure out the answer on his own. 

For the next hour I watch as Anton continues sharing energy with the young woman. I notice with slight judgment and a tiny bit of jealousy as her facial expressions and behavior move increasingly into the sensual pleasure arena. While there is no inappropriate touching, the energy she is receiving is obviously very pleasurable for her, and she makes no effort to disguise her sense of deep and intimate enjoyment. 

Unconditional Sharing 

As Anton finally decides that he is done sharing energy, I notice that both he and the woman look quite exhausted and slightly flustered. 

Feeling nothing but pure love for both of them, I make my way over to the corner of the porch, sit between and slightly behind them, and proceed to place one hand on each of their backs, pumping them both full of the unconditional loving energy that continues to overflow from my heart. 

About twenty minutes later, the young woman, appearing much more energized, lifts her head, gives me a huge smile and follows up with a huge hug of gratitude. 

Awkward Stroll 

As group ends, both Anton and I remain behind to talk to Keith. 

“Keith,” Anton comments sincerely. “I was really concerned about my energy sharing today. When I first asked you about knowing when to stop, I was feeling like I was done and that maybe it was time to move on to work with someone else.” 

“After that point,” Anton continues, “I feel like the energy became much too sexual, much too personal and intimate, and I was very uncomfortable with it.” 

As I hear Anton engage Keith in this line of questioning, I feel deeply grateful and proud of him, recognizing that the earlier judgments that had begun to surface in my heart were totally unfounded – that the unconditional love that flowed through me at the end was indeed perfect. 

After I am done with my own quick conversation with Keith, Anton asks if he can walk me home. I wish I could avoid the short trek together, but respond in the affirmative, seeing no other polite way to respond. 

“Would you like to get together for a drink sometime?” Anton asks me innocently. 

“I am still interested in the possibility of exploring energies with you sometime.” I reply with a slight diversion, “but before we do that again we will first need to talk a lot. Right now, I don’t think I am capable of meeting with you except for the time that we share together on Keith’s porch.” 

I am quite proud of myself for having reached this level of clarity in my feelings – but still very surprised by the intensity of doubt and confusion that continue to dance around in my soul. 

Chaotic Collapse 

Before the young woman with whom Anton was working left the porch this afternoon, I accidentally overheard her tell Anton, “I’ll see you tonight.”

I know they are friends, and that she is leaving tomorrow. I also know that Anton has borrowed a book from her and needs to return it. I want to assume that they really are just friends. I don’t even know why I care so much. 

“You do know that they are having dinner together right now, don’t you?” Rae shares as the two of us go out to a restaurant. “I just bumped into them on my way home.” 

After acknowledging Rae’s words, I feel quite hurt as I let my imagination and projections take it from there. 

Even though I know that Anton is friends with pretty much everyone in town, and that since he is alone he shares meals with lots of different people, I still allow my imagination to run rampant. 

With absolutely no evidence to back up my assumptions, I presume the worst – assuming that Anton is going to spend the night with this woman just two nights after the two of us did the same. 

Flashbacks haunt my memory – memories of my painful breakup ten years ago. Less than two weeks after my emotional heartbreak, I was devastated upon learning that the man I almost married was now sleeping with a woman just over half my age. I had been so deeply hurt that our loving relationship could be so easily replaced. 

I do not yet realize it, but tonight, as I imagine Anton with this other woman (and imagine is the key word here), I am actually reliving the trauma of that breakup ten years ago. 

At dinner with Rae, I decide I am done with Anton – absolutely finished. I will not expose my heart to such risk. 

“I don’t even like him that much.” I tell myself. “Why would I explore a relationship that I know is simply not going to work?” 

Dinner becomes quite uncomfortable as Rae decides she wants us to sit with two people that I have never met. I really want to have time for a private conversation with Rae. Then we are casually invited to come to a nearby party for someone who is turning forty years old. I don’t know the birthday gentleman, but Rae convinces me that it will be fun, and that I don’t need to stay very long. 

To make a long story short, I feel very let-down by Anton (my imagination), I do not enjoy dinner, and I then walk into a house full of crazy partiers, most of whom I have never met. Of the ones I do know, most of them are drinking or dancing to loud music that is of such an intense volume that a simple conversation is virtually impossible. 

I do find one beautiful friend out in the garden. We spend about thirty minutes engaged in deep conversation about how we both hate such parties. My heart is overwhelmed with a feeling of out-of-control chaotic energies. All I want to do is run away and hide from the chaos. I am feeling confused, anxious, and agitated. I am proud of myself for facing my fears and staying as long as I do, but eventually I give my friend a warm hug, say goodnight, and escape into the darkness. 

A few more weeks will yet need to pass before I begin to understand my strange connection to these chaotic energies. 

As I crawl under the covers, late on Wednesday evening, the safety and comfort of my warm bed never felt so good. 

New Day, New Pain 

With all of my heart, I hope to wake up energized, but Thursday, March 3, begins with continued confusion and pain. In the middle of enjoying a beautiful breakfast with Rae, my abdomen begins to swell and fill with pain as I drink a smoothie and munch on a bowl of fruit. Soon, we set out on a walk with intentions to climb the nearby hill, but as we arrive at the bottom of the trail, I feel so much nausea that I have to sit down. 

Soon the discomfort is so intense that climbing the hill is out of the question. Minutes later, Rae and I have returned home, both of us resting on the daybed while I attempt to give my tummy an opportunity to recover. 

“This is physical.” My head banters. “There is no way I can go to group today. I should just go suffer in bed.” 

“No,” My heart replies, “This pain is of emotional origins. I have to go to group today. I absolutely will go to group today, no matter how I feel.” 

To my surprise, as I arrive at group ten minutes late, my nausea is greatly reduced. Yes, my stomach is still physically weak, but I know that I will somehow make it through group, and that things will be much better when it is all over. 

Perfect Group 

The first thing I do is find a huge pillow and curl up with my eyes closed, resisting any type of participation, simply wanting to hide out while the rest of group unfolds around me. 

It seems that the Universe is laughing at me. Only five people have shown up today – Keith, me, Rae, Anton, and Isaias (Keith’s amazing helper). As I contemplate Anton’s being on the porch, I have no desire to have anything to do with him, nothing whatsoever. I am feeling deep judgment and anger toward him, projecting all of my assumptions onto Anton in a myriad of ways. Even though all evidence points in the other direction, I feel completely used and tossed out. I refuse to look in Anton’s direction, terrified that I might actually make eye contact. 

To make matters worse, after the chocolate is passed around (of which I drink none today because of my stomach), the group falls completely silent. No one speaks a single word, not even Keith. We simply meditate silently. 

In nearly every group in which I have participated, Keith talks extensively about chocolate during the first hour. 

“Why is it so silent?” I think to myself as I wish I could simply run away. 

My mind is boggled regarding how Keith is so adept at simply following the energy. It must be obvious to everyone that today’s group is about me – that the people who are here are exactly the ones that I need to work with – and that no one is going to push me to do anything. It is I who must speak up and spill the beans. 

Rock Bottom 

Remaining silent, I simply pout, feel stuck, and continue to simmer in deep emotion. Eventually my tears begin to bubble to the surface. I try to stuff them down but they continue to grow in intensity. Finally, after nearly an hour of nerve-wracking silence, I respond to my intuition – a strong intuition telling me that nothing is going to happen in group today until I break the bizarre silence. 

“I am totally shutting down.” I begin to finally speak out loud. “I am projecting judgments, knowing that what I am experiencing in the relationship arena is not what I want.” 

Everyone in the room knows that I am talking about Anton, except Isaias that is. I feel no need to mention Anton’s name out loud, instead preferring to remain vague and generalized. 

“I don’t know if I believe that what I am looking for in a relationship even exists.” I blurt out between flowing tears. “I am feeling like I will get ‘none-of-the-above’ – that I am defective and undesirable. The energy in my second and third chakras is shutting down again, and I feel hopeless, like I simply want to pack up and run away.” 

I still refuse to look in Anton’s direction. My heart is too broken and devastated to even care what he might be thinking or feeling – even though I know that he is merely the victim of my projections – the victim of my healing process from past relationship failures and self-hatred. 

It takes a while, but through the benefit of deep emotional release and the bringing in of high vibration energies, I eventually reach a powerful state of loving peace – just in time to be unconditionally loving and present with my dear friend Rae who begins to go into deep sadness and fear about the fact that she is going home in just a few days. 

I am amazed at the contrast of my emotions. I came into group at rock bottom, and am and now feeling divine loving energies flow through me as I counsel my dear friend with deeply inspired words. Better yet, my abdominal pain is completely gone. 

Through it all, I continue to ignore Anton. 

Surprise Exit 

“You want to leave early today.” The little Jedi voices whisper in my heart. 

This prompting makes no sense to me whatsoever. In all of the sessions that I have participated on Keith’s porch, I don’t remember ever leaving early, not one single time. I see no logical reason to do so today. 

“If I leave early, I can avoid walking home with Anton.” My ego projection voice pipes in. I recognize this voice as having nothing to do with my intuition, but it does remind me that I am afraid to be around Anton and actually have to talk to him. 

“You know that you need to leave right now.” The little Jedi voices again vibrate in my inner knowing. 

Seconds later I walk over to Keith, give him a big hug, thank him for a beautiful session, and tell him that I don’t know why, but I need to leave early today. As I begin to walk out, Rae asks if she can join me. 

“I have been thinking about wanting to film the sunset from the top of the hill.” Rae pipes in as we begin to walk. “Today might be my last opportunity to do so.” 

“Can I go with you?” I ask her, feeling guided that perhaps this is why I was supposed to leave. 

At 5:00 p.m., both Rae and I are eagerly rushing down the road, racing back to the apartment to grab camera equipment, hoping to catch the sun before it disappears behind the San Pedro volcano. 

Impromptu Interview 

After filming a beautiful sunset, Rae turns her camera on me. 

“Brenda,” Rae smiles, “let’s finish that interview that I promised to do.” 

For the next hour, Rae films me as I share my story on camera, answering questions, talking about my life, providing raw footage to my dear friend. I trust her implicitly. Perhaps she will make a ‘you-tube’ video about my blog; perhaps she will use the footage in her documentary. I have no attachments. All I know is that the peaceful feeling in my heart tells me that what we are doing is very important. 

Called on the Carpet 

Thursday evening brings with it a very unexpected and difficult conversation. As I talk with Rae about my emotional struggles regarding Anton, she turns the topic around, calling me on a couple of my own issues regarding my unreasonable and brutal rejection of Anton. 

To her surprise, I respond to Rae that she is correct – that I recognize that I am indeed running a pattern of rejection – a pattern that I now realize as being one that I have engaged in many times during my life. The pattern has been triggered every time I have gotten close to someone (mostly friends) with whom I later felt betrayed by or rejected in some way. 

In each of those situations I went into a deep backslide, often taking years before I could reach a point of forgiveness and of taking personal responsibility for what actually happened between us. 

“I recognize that this is what is happening with Anton.” I confess to Rae. “But I have a very optimistic prediction. I predict that rather than taking years to work through the loop, this time I will do it in a matter of days.” 

Unexpected Assistance 

As I drift off to sleep on Thursday evening, I begin to feel a deep sense of confusion regarding the way in which I treated Anton today. Rae’s gentle pushing has caused me to be more honest with myself, yet I also feel completely justified in backing away. I know that I simply can not talk to Anton until I work through my own projections first. If I make any attempt to do so before working out my issues, I might say or do things that I will most likely regret. 

Before totally drifting off to dreamland, I send a quick email to Keith asking if it is possible to come over early on Friday morning to discuss my confusion – perhaps a while before his first private appointment of the day. 

Early Friday morning, after achieving a great deal of peaceful closure via Keith’s loving assistance, I am unexpectedly invited to remain on Keith’s porch in order to assist in his 9:00 a.m. private appointment. The woman who made the appointment knows me, and would greatly appreciate my supporting energy. 

To my surprise, the entire topic of the three hour private session is her current ongoing relationship struggle. I chuckle as I again recognize how the flow of the Universe brings exactly what I need. 

Throughout this other woman’s appointment, many of the words that Keith shares with her are also deeply appropriate for me. 

I Created It? 

The 12:30 group session starts exactly on time, but after the chocolate is distributed, the next hour and fifteen minutes is uncharacteristically filled with absolutely boring and irrelevant chatter – people talking about regional politics around Lake Atitlan, and many related issues regarding which I am not the least bit interested. To make matters worse, Keith is eagerly participating right in the heart of this conversation, actually encouraging it. 

Having been through the judgment routine a few times before, I patiently wait, knowing that any minute now Keith will disengage from the meaningless drivel and will actually begin some real work in group. I am happy when I make it through the first hour still having a very calm and peaceful attitude. 

It is the next fifteen minutes that really begin to wear on me, driving me gradually from minor annoyance into deeper judgment – but still, I resist the desire to interrupt, opting instead to continue sitting back – knowing that when group actually does start that I will briefly mention to Keith that I was a little triggered by the delay, and ask to talk about it. 

Finally, at 1:45 (yes, by then I had actually begun to closely track my watch), Keith casually interrupts the discussion and says, “OK, let’s do some work now.” 

It is no surprise to me when Keith turns and looks right at me. 

“I’m feeling a little bit triggered by having spent the last hour and fifteen minutes in what feels like meaningless conversation.” I innocently volunteer my frustration. “I feel as if I am wasting both my time and money when we delay like this.” 

“That is very interesting,” Keith replies quite matter-of-factly, “seeing how you created this reality. I am merely following YOUR energy. You are the one who wanted me to do this today. You are the one who created this. Why did you do that?” 

“This is not the first time this has happened to you.” Keith continues, “It is a very big-time event when you begin to realize this.” 

“It is time for you to see yourself as either a victim of this reality,” Keith adds with emphasis, “or to see yourself as a sovereign being who creates your own reality.” 

Speechless in the Dream 

I am utterly speechless as I stare back into Keith’s eyes. He is absolutely serious about the words that just left his lips. I trust him implicitly and begin to regress deeply into the bizarre meaning and possibilities of what I just heard him say. I soon lose myself deep in meditation while Keith talks to a few other people. 

“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith suddenly turns attention back to me. 

I am surprised by my own response. 

“I feel as if I am in a lucid dream,” I begin, “and that everyone here on the porch is literally a part of that dream, playing their appropriate roles, giving me exactly what I need to trigger me and to help me heal and wakeup.” 

As if on cue, everyone on the porch lets out a slight chuckle. To me, the chuckle sounds eerily like beings from another realm, acknowledging that “It is about time you figured that out.” 

I look blankly into Keith’s face. His eyes are glowing with light. 

“Could he be one of my guides, trying to help me wake up from inside of the dream?” I ponder to myself. 

The thought boggles my mind. 

“Are you awake?” I ask bluntly when Keith’s attention returns to me. 

“No, Brenda,” Keith replies lovingly, “if you are asking whether I am an awakened being, I am not. I am still in the dream just like you are.” 

Fear of the Light 

As Keith begins to work his way around the porch, assisting others, I gradually shut down and melt into a puddle of tears. Deep fear is beginning to run through my soul – fear of waking up in the dream – fear of losing my smallness – fear of no longer being able to use the excuse that I am a victim of my childhood shutdown – fear of having to actually live up to the light that is beginning to surface inside of me. 

Perhaps terror might be a better word. 

When Keith finally returns to work with me, I am deeply emotional, crying in mild waves. As I attempt to express to him how numb, empty, helpless, and hopeless that I feel, the tears suddenly rise exponentially to a new level of outburst. 

Without asking permission, one budding empath in the group walks over and lovingly places her hand on my heart. Almost instantly, I feel the intensity of my deep emotion vanish, as if she had literally taken it away from me. 

“Stop,” I exclaim lovingly, “please don’t do that. You are fixing me. I need to feel these emotions. I need to understand and work through them. You made them all go away simply by touching me. You are very powerful, and I thank you, but please stop.” 

The poor woman feels devastated as I lovingly reprimand her. She begins to turn away to move back to her seat. 

“No, I want you to stay and assist.” Keith asks as he tells her to sit down by my feet without touching me.” 

For a short while, I am completely unable to access my tears, while at the same time I know that I need to find them again and get them out. Gradually the emotions inside again begin to boil, rising to the surface once more in the form of deep tears. 

Swallowing My Pride 

A deep internal knowing soon speaks to my heart. 

“Ask Anton to help you.” The inner voices prod me incessantly. “You need Anton’s help for this next emotional release.” 

I resist the intuition and say nothing. 

“Get over your pride and just ask already.” The intuitions again flood through my heart. 

Finally I give in and decide to swallow my pride. 

“I can’t explain why,” I tell Keith, “but I feel strongly that I need to ask for Anton’s help in this next process.” 

“Thank God,” Anton tells me with a sigh of relief. “I have been waiting for that request all day long.”

Seconds later, Anton is sitting at my feet, his energy-filled hands working their magic on me. 

What Was That 

Literally, within ten seconds of Anton grabbing my feet, I begin to experience deeply intense, heart-aching, horribly-painful emotion. It is powerful emotion, stronger than I remember ever consciously feeling in my entire life – yet the emotional intensity is eerily familiar. Deep intuition tells me that this emotion has merely been forgotten – that it is emotion that originated and was later stuffed away during my late teen years. 

I begin to experience what I can only describe as dry heaves, going through the motions of actually vomiting out this emotion in a physical way – only what comes out of my throat is merely energy. The sensation of feeling my heart squeezed by the agonizing pain is overwhelming and almost unbearable. 

The energetic vomiting goes on for five or ten minutes. Gradually it slightly lessens in intensity, first shifting into hyper ventilation – extremely rapid and deep breathing – as if I am catching my breath after an intense round of aerobic activity. Eventually, the emotion fizzles with a few final spurting waves – last ditch sobs followed by calm silence.

 When my breathing has completely returned to normal, I open my eyes and look around until I make confused eye contact with Keith. 

“What was that?” I ask with an expression of shock and amazement. 

Bring in the Light 

“Bring in the light, now,” Keith coaches me after a brief discussion. “Fill up the empty space that has been left behind by the emotional densities that are now gone. Bring in the light to fill it up.” 

Soon I am once again basking in the higher energies. 

For the remainder of session, I sit in shock, feeling quite weak and light-headed. As group comes to conclusion, the tides are turned as I am now the wobbly one needing help in getting home, and Anton is the one who volunteers to help me. 

I realize that I continue to have more of my own issues and projections through which I need to work before my friendship with Anton can be completely healed, yet I am deeply grateful for how his assistance played such a key role in today’s growth and release – and I profoundly appreciate the way in which he lovingly supports me in spite of the way I am treating him. 

As the two of us walk quietly toward my house, I simply smile in quiet reverence at how my Higher Self does indeed seem to be taking me on a powerful journey of healing, and the only thing I need to do is to show up and to be present, paying attention and responding appropriately to the cues that are continuously placed in front of me. 

I am blown away as I ponder the possibilities. 

Reiki Magic 

Later that evening, as Rae and I prepare for bed, I volunteer to do a little more Reiki and energy sharing with her. To our amazement, we both notice that the energy flow coming out of my hands is much more powerful than ever before. For a couple of hours, I bask in the beautiful energies while sharing them with Rae, loving the instant feedback that I often receive as she shares her experience with me. 

Finally, Rae and I cuddle again on the daybed until around midnight. I am so deeply grateful for my amazing friend – for the beautiful experiences we have shared in so many ways. I am going to deeply miss her when she returns home on Sunday morning. But in the meantime, I relish every opportunity to share her energy and to strengthen our friendship – a friendship that I know will continue to grow and flourish well beyond Keith’s porch. 

My Creations? 

As I finally rest my head on my pillow late on Friday night – actually during the wee hours of Saturday morning – I cannot help but reflect on what has truly been an amazing day – actually make that an amazing week. 

“Can it be true?” I again ask myself. “Is it really possible that I am actually creating my own reality?” 

Of course, I realize that my finite rational mind is not the one doing the actual creating. It is the flow of my own higher energies that is doing the creating. The closer I get to connecting with the reality of that Higher Self, the more I begin to feel and recognize the undeniable flow as it works its magic all around me. 

A quick glance backward through time tells me that literally everything that has taken place in the last couple of weeks has been beautifully orchestrated in ways that seem specifically tailored for my needs. I could not have architected them myself in a more powerful and amazing sequence. 

I am eager to begin paying much closer attention to everything that goes on around me. The first and most obvious place I plan to do that is right in my favorite magical playground – the middle of Keith’s porch. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved