Brenda's Bicycles

I feel as if I am fit to be diagnosed as bipolar.

Yes, my path is guiding me to new highs. There is no doubt as I clear away layer after layer of forgotten emotional densities that dormant seeds of inner magic continue to sprout and blossom in beautiful ways. Energy channels that I did not know even existed, having long been plugged and forgotten, are now beginning to dance with delightful vibration.

But the depth of the accompanying lows causes alarm bells to sound. It seems that the deeper I venture into uncovering and healing all of these buried emotional wounds, the more treacherous are the bumps and quicksand scattered across my path.

Ego must be feeling quite cornered right now. Why else would it be fighting back with such cunning intensity?

Even as I attempt to write and integrate, the intense roller coaster ride of emotional memories attempts to suck me back into deep confusion and depression.

Two intensely overwhelming pendulum swings, violently jerking me to extreme opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, both occurring in the same week, is more than I feel capable of withstanding.

As it turns out, I am stronger than I think.

Riding The Wave

It is Thursday morning, March 24. Keith and four others, including me, meet up at the San Marcos boat dock as the first step in what we hope will be a fun and growth-filled adventure. Keith is facilitating a three day retreat weekend at the Mystical Yoga Farm across the lake.

I am tagging along with the intention of being one of Keith’s assistants, eager and ready to help facilitate the healing processes of others. After nearly going down with a sinking ship during the previous three days, I am now giggling up on my surfboard, riding a beautiful wave of light. I feel energized, powerful, and invincible.

Little do I know that by week’s end, my face will be dragging in the coarse sand beneath the waves.

Perhaps I need to develop a better sense of humor.

An Unexpected Challenge

Thursday at the Mystical Yoga Farm meets my every expectation. The chocolate ceremony is beautiful. I am filled with overflowing light, and my heart finds ample opportunity to shine with loving power.

As darkness rapidly approaches, the majority of retreat-goers participate in an evening sauna. My heart anxiously skips a few beats as I watch from a nearby building, I notice that most who enter the sauna do so completely in the buff – no clothing whatsoever.

The “old me” would have been horrified, flowing with rampant moral judgment about the evils of such improper conduct. The “new me” is both extremely envious and terrified – desperately wishing I had the courage to casually walk naked into that sauna – wishing I could drop my clothing and my distorted childhood beliefs – wishing to be free of the inner judgments that continue to hold me hostage.

After a beautiful post-sauna evening discussion in which Keith shares considerable information about past lives and parallel dimensions, I retire happily to my cozy little tent. Keith has been kind enough to loan me a small tent and a couple of self-inflating pads. I love my little private space. It is much nicer than trying to share a crowded cabin with others.

As I drift off to sleep, the mysterious sauna still consumes my mind.

“If there is another sauna tomorrow night,” I ponder quietly,” and if I can find the courage to participate, it might really help me break through another layer of the old dysfunctional sexual repression that continues to holds me hostage.”

“But do I have the courage?” I speculate, cowering under my blankets.

Kicked In The Gut

The Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony begins with a fun and unique twist. As a follow-up to our discussion from last evening, Keith responds to a group request, skillfully guiding us all into simultaneous past-life regressions. Keith somehow manages to make it work, even though we are each deeply immersed in our own individual process.

In my own regression, I am not sure whether it is a past life, a parallel life, or simply an extremely powerful subconscious metaphor from childhood – but regardless, my experience brings immense growth and insight.

I find myself as a young girl, perhaps five or six years of age. In my hand is a cute little magic wand. As I glance at my feet, I see a beautiful pair of sparkling emerald green slippers. I giggle and play alone in my room – a special hideaway that has become my self-created world of wonder. The power of my imagination is vivid and alive as I hear my mother approach.

“This is not real.” My mother scolds me. “Grow up … be serious … there is no such thing as magic.”

Feelings of devastation wash through me as I attempt to defend myself against my mother’s horrible lies. This is not the first time she has tried to squash my magic. It has happened at least five or six times before.

I no longer have the capacity to fight back. Giving up completely, I finally collapse and surrender to my mother’s relentless invalidation of the magic that lives inside of me.

Nausea physically consumes my body. I feel as if I were literally kicked in the gut – the wind has been knocked out of me. I cannot breathe. My life force has been assassinated. There is no hope, no magic, no joy, no happiness, no play, no imagination – just serious rules and structure.

Deep emptiness and sadness consume me.

Death and Rebirth

“It literally feels like you died when you finally gave up.” Keith consoles me.

“Yes, it really does.” I sigh in despair, “and it feels as if that magic that died will never come back.”

“I gave up on loving myself when I lost my magic,” I continue sharing with Keith. “I instead began to seek love and approval from everyone and everything outside of myself.

“Hold out your hands.” Keith begins to coach me. “In one hand hold the experience of having lost all of your magic. In the other, hold an angel that will help you.”

I begin to feel slightly better as I send love to the contents of both hands.

“Now,” Keith continues guiding me, “bring that magical little girl with you to the present day, and ask if she will help you now, right here.”

“Do you feel that your inner magic has been awakening over the last six months?” Keith asks a very obvious question.

“Of course I do,” I easily reply.

I smile and giggle as I remember powerful lightning bolts of energy, followed by one amazing experience after another.

“Will that little girl help you now?” Keith again asks.

As I meditate on the answer, I am shocked to get the feeling that this beautiful little girl is very tentative, not really sure if she trusts me yet. She is fearful that I will give up in my path. A strong intuition flashes through my mind, telling me that it was this little girl who didn’t want to walk with me out of my own private hell hole on Wednesday – that she is the stuck and frightened puppy that sill shakes with doubt and mistrust.

Finally, after a period of deep meditation, I feel the energy of her magic start to join with me – I begin to feel another boost of light and love, filling me with peace and joy.

Joyful Feedback

Later, after the ceremony ends, Keith and I are talking about my process as a friend interrupts. She refers to an earlier comment I made about needing to love myself.

“Brenda’s work today made me cry.” My friend speaks up. “And her process deeply inspired my own work. Of all the people I know, she is one of the most easy to love.”

My heart smiles, as does the heart of that magical five or six year old girl.

Sauna or Bust

Before dinner, as I notice a few people slipping into the wood-fire-powered sauna, I put my rational mind away and run back to my tent to change. Minutes later, I nervously step into the sauna, remove my thin scarf-wrap, and glow with bare-skinned confidence. There are only four or five of us inside, making the process considerably easier than I had imagined.

“I can’t believe I am doing this.” I tell a nearby woman. “This is such a huge step for me in freeing myself from past inhibitions and belief systems. And I don’t even feel uncomfortable or nervous at all.”

I only remain in the sauna for about fifteen minutes, but that is plenty of time to place hundreds of imaginary gold stars on my forehead. A few minutes later, as I sit down fully clothed for dinner, I experience a new-found sense of inner confidence.

Contract or Bust

Saturday afternoon, in another beautiful chocolate ceremony at the yoga retreat, I focus on exploring the issue of another possible past-life contract – something I had wanted to do on Monday before my ship began to sink.

As I wander deep into my subconscious mind, I do indeed find remnants of an agreement that requires me to avoid relationships, to not have any fun, to be serious about my spiritual path, and to do it under the guidance of a powerful teacher (not on my own).

I feel as if I am making up the contract, completely writing it with my imagination, creating something out of nothing. Doubts swarm my consciousness.

“No, you are not just making this up.” Keith encourages me. “It is real. Trust yourself and continue your process.”

As Keith makes his way around the pavilion, I feel extremely distracted by the long time-delay and the events unfolding around me.

“Distractions are also a part of your contract.” Keith tells me when he finally returns to work with me. “You need to be distracted when you get close to your own heart space.”

“Huh?” I respond with confusion. “I don’t quite get that.”

“Think about it.” Keith tells me before moving on.

After another long delay, Keith again returns to work with me. I have had ample opportunity to digest Keith’s words, but am still as confused and distracted as ever.

“This is not a new contract.” Keith tells me with confidence. “This is still a carryover from the one that you destroyed last summer. But even though you successfully destroyed it, you continue looping in the old behaviors related to that contract – rules that required you to work, work, work and to never play – rules that required you to be serious, to have no relationships, no nothing of the sort – rules that will cause you to be very distracted if you get too far into your own heart space.”

“You are now looping in those rules.” Keith tells me. “You can stay in the loop or leave the loop at any time you feel ready – but you need to observe yourself, to love yourself, and to keep learning from what you are doing.”

I leave the ceremony in a very unsettled and weird mood.

Creation of Chaos

As Saturday evening unfolds, my lack of confidence and distraction only intensifies. I want to be alone. I want to get out of everyone’s energy field. I feel as if their energy is attacking me, bringing me even more chaos and confusion.

In a silly attempt to get away from the chaos, I walk down to the dark pavilion. Last night the pavilion had been quiet and isolated, and I expect it will be the same tonight.

After wrapping up in a blanket and slipping into a hammock, I am shocked at what unfolds. A few minutes later, several people come down and begin to play with “Poi” balls – balls suspended on chains that are then rotated around in fancy circles and patterns.

Soon, others in the group bring an IPOD and speakers, followed by several large drums. It seems as if the whole group has joined me in the pavilion with the implicit intent to play a role in my healing script – a script of energetic chaos – a script that my own higher energies seem to have created just specifically for me.

Through it all I remain totally silent, wrapped up in my blanket, relaxing in my hammock.

Every sound and movement seems to bombard me with painful energy, bouncing into my head, chest, and abdomen. I recognize this chaotic energy – it is quite familiar – it is something I have experienced many times before.

For a while, I cry in silence as a cat rests on my lap, hiding with me in the hammock. The pain of the chaos is quite intense. I reminisce about how my own pet cats always used to comfort me during times of struggle, especially during my older childhood and younger teen years.

Silent Struggle

I don’t run from the chaos, but I do retreat a small step back to watch. I am determined to not let this energetic chaos win – to observe it and find out what it is and why it has such a devastating power over me.

For the rest of the evening and nearly all of Sunday morning, I barely interact with anyone. Instead, I silently observe myself, my weird energetic feelings, my reactions, my confusion, my feeling of wanting to run away and of being overwhelmed.

These reactions are bizarre and confusing, but I am determined to learn.

Roommate Break

As expected, Peter is gone when I return to my San Marcos apartment on Sunday morning. We had said goodbye early on Thursday morning. His time to move on had come, and I deeply look forward to a few days of isolation – especially with the confused way I currently feel.

Stuck In A Rut

Soon I am back on Keith’s porch. For most of the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I continue to isolate. I feel emotionally numb, completely stuck in a rut of exhaustion, chaos, and confusion. Curling up on my stuffed pillow while little tears trickle down my cheeks seems like my only option to survive the ceremony.

Finally, one of my friends, a man who himself has been deeply stuck for a very long time, makes a major breakthrough in his own emotional stuck-ness. I watch with loving interest, but continue to sit helplessly and hopelessly on my pillow across the porch.

Soon, my friend finishes his process and is quietly resting and integrating.

To my surprise, this friend unexpectedly abandons his own process, walks over to my side, bends over to whisper in my ear, and asks if it is OK if he does some energy work on me.

As a few people begin to look quite puzzled by my friend’s behavior, Keith intervenes with, “It’s OK. He knows exactly where he needs to be right now.”

As my stuck friend begins to share energy with me, I break down into deep sobs. My emotional wall has been shattered, and I am crumbling into a pile of emotional rubble.

 “What does Brenda need right now?” Keith asks another woman – a woman who had been with me at the yoga retreat.

“She needs our love.” This dear woman responds.

Am I Just Looping?

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly asks, “will you please get in the middle?”

Seconds later, I have moved my large pillow to the middle of the porch, having no clue as to what will happen next. I only know I am stuck, lost, and desperate.

“You have all of these incredible highs,” Keith begins to talk to me, “and then you fall right back into your emotional loops. This is drama.”

I am momentarily stunned by the word “drama.”

“Keith,” I plead for guidance, “I feel as if the deeper I go into my emotional processing, the more magic I feel open up inside. But at the same time, the more I open up these old and very deep emotional wounds, the more I feel as if I am simply flushing myself down the emotional toilet. I feel as if I am increasingly lost in those emotions, going deeper into chaos, spinning and looping with no lasting productivity.”

“Am I simply looping in the same old stuff, just being dramatic?” I beg for answers. “Or am I really going into new layers, actually being productive with the work I am doing?

“No Brenda,” Keith reassures me, “you are not just looping in the same stuff. What you are doing is very real and powerful, and is indeed going another layer deeper.”

Childhood Chaos

I explain to Keith about what happened to me last night. I remind him about a few other times when I was recently lost in the bombardment of confusing and chaotic energies.

“When I get into this chaos, I feel completely helpless.” I begin explaining. “It has total power over me and I don’t know what to do.”

“Go back to when you first felt this energy chaos.” Keith guides me. “How old were you?”

Since I have no physical memory of such chaos at younger ages, I reach deep into my intuition, searching for an answer that ‘feels’ right.

“I want to say somewhere between age three and ten.” I begin. “But it feels more accurate to say between ages three and five.”

“Put yourself back in that situation and feel the energy bombarding you.” Keith guides me.

As I begin to follow Keith’s instructions I almost immediately freeze up and collapse forward. I am tightly clenching my fists in an attempt to shut down the energy. I begin to cry profusely as sharp agonizing pains form in the lower-abdominal regions of my second chakra.

Bending over at the waist, I sob uncontrollably. I desperately want to stop the frightening energy, but I continue asking it to bombard me – to show me what I actually felt during the tender years of my early energetic shut down.

An Unwanted Angel

“Now bring in the Angel Moroni to protect you from this energy bombardment.” Keith guides me in a surprising new twist. “Don’t bring in the fake one that used to help your parents and your religion to judge you, bring in the real one that understands the truth.”

A statue of the Angel Moroni stands atop every Mormon temple throughout the world. I initially resist bringing in such a loaded symbol from my past, but when Keith points out that I am to bring in the real unconditionally-loving Moroni, I decide to give his instructions a try.

It takes me a few minutes of emotional fumbling through the deep sobs before I am able to imagine Moroni building a bubble of loving and protective energy around me. Once I am able to feel that bubble firmly in place, several more minutes elapse before I am fully capable of calming and relaxing the remaining whimpers and heavy breathing.

Finally, I feel safe, happy, and secure – with absolutely no chaotic energy bombarding me.

“Now start to grow up with this energy protecting you.” Keith gives me his next unexpected guidance.

As I immerse myself deeply into meditation, I imagine myself very slowly passing through childhood and teenage experiences, reliving each memory that comes to mind. Through the process, I imagine that the energy chaos has been replaced with a peaceful protection, knowing that all is OK, that nothing will harm me, that there is a loving purpose for all of my early-life struggles.

Beautifully missing from this growing up experience are the emotional self-hatred, judgment, guilt, and shame.  From inside of this bubble, I imagine myself lovingly and confidently facing each of the fears that incessantly plagued me during these tender years. The longer I remain in this peaceful meditation, the more peace, confidence, and loving energy I feel opening up in my heart.

Gradually, I move from lying down to sitting, from frowning to smiling. At the same time, I slowly increase the age of memories through which I am passing. As I reach a point in my late teens, I suddenly feel a deep pain blocking the channel between my solar plexus and my heart chakra.

Using the palm of my hand, I begin to pound on my chest, directly above the excruciating pain, desperately trying to get it to move, to get it unstuck.

“Will someone please hit me gently on the back, right here?” I plead, pointing to a spot on my back. I crave some type of physical release from the energetic nightmare of pain.

When the person stops tapping me on the back, I begin thrusting my abdomen to the front and then to the back, frantically trying to free the painfully blocked energy in my spine, hoping this movement will help move the blockage.

I overhear Keith ask someone to build a two-deep row of foam cushions.

“Brenda,” Keith quickly asks. “Please lie face down on the cushions.”

“Take a deep breath and then breathe out slowly.” Keith continues.

I have no idea what is about to transpire, but I trust Keith implicitly. As I slowly breathe outward, I am totally shocked when Keith suddenly presses along the spine of my lower back, doing a skillful adjustment to those lower vertebrae.

“Crack” I hear many vertebrae move back into place.

Simultaneously, emotional sobs burst uncontrollably forth from my mouth, as if a deeply trapped wave of emotional densities is suddenly freed up and ripped out of me.

A minute later, after the sobbing subsides, Keith asks me to take another deep breath. As I release the breath, another round of cracking ensues, this time higher up on the back, synchronized with another powerful release of emotions.

Oddly enough, I also suddenly feel a strong sore throat surface out of nowhere.

Intuitively, I recognize the metaphorical symbolism – the just-released trapped emotions were deeply related to my inabilities to express myself – to speak my truth during those years of childhood energetic terror.

To my relief the energetic sore throat lasts only about a half hour.

Lightning Bolts Revisited

After the tearful release gradually fades, I begin to feel a powerful flow of energy running through my arms and hands. I recognize the amazing feeling – it reminds me of an undeniable glimpse of energy given to me last November – an experience where I felt as if high-voltage power lines were literally running current through my body.

Today, the energy is strong, but much milder than what I experienced four months ago.

“This is cool.” I tell Keith with delight. “If I keep getting new energetic gifts like this after each emotional layer is peeled off, then bring on the next layer.”

Twice Energized

For the second time in seven days, I have gone into the painful depths of deep emotional pain, only to rise back to the heights of surfing on another beautiful wave of light.

Indeed I do feel a little bipolar – and if I didn’t trust the process implicitly I would probably consider seeking out psychiatric help to assist me with my severe mood swings.

But I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am engaged in a deeply empowered process. I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. Yes, the journey is proving to be extremely difficult at times, but the peace in my heart tells me “job well done … now keep going.”

Part of me desperately hopes that I am very close to the bottom of the emotional barrel – another part of me genuinely retorts “bring on the next step, no matter what it is.”

Unexpected Guests

As ceremony nears a normal conclusion, Keith receives an unexpected visit. The two Mayan Priestesses (shaman) women whom we visited in January have stopped by, bringing with them another sister and a brother, along with five young children.

It seems that they have no plans for meals, nor any place to sleep.

“Uh …. Keith,” I whisper, “now that Peter has gone, I have available space at my place where they can crash … provided you can help me with extra sleeping pads and blankets.”

A whole new adventure is about to unfold.

I will not be getting the peaceful isolation I was so craving, but the energy of my heart again says “bring it on.”

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved