After a painful-but-beautiful scorpion interlude I now return to the present, I mean the past, but wait, the past is the present. You know what I mean.
In clock we trust.
A Usual Start
On Tuesday, April 12, I enjoy what has been quite rare as of late – an entire free day in which I can simply write – following which I get to enjoy a beautiful conversation with my roommate Joy. I cannot believe that I met her only a couple of weeks ago. I feel as if I have known her my entire life … but then again, maybe I have, since my entire life only exists in the “now”.
Wednesday begins equally as relaxing, other than the fact that I spend half of the morning filing my taxes online. It is strange that even in Guatemala, I still feel compelled to file those silly little tokens to society, even though I did not earn a single penny during all of 2010.
The afternoon chocolate ceremony also begins in relaxed fashion. As I start to meditate regarding my desire to further open my third-eye and sacral chakras, I experience the usual light-headedness, mild pains in my forehead, and considerable churning in my tummy.
But something different also shows up. I am beginning to feel renewed pain in my shoulders.
Their Own Masters
“I feel like this metaphor is showing me that my continued low energy in the second and sixth chakras is related to the fact that I continue to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.” I speculate with Keith.
At this point in time I am still feeling quite emotionally stable, mostly living in logic and the rational mind.
Soon, however, I go further into the subconscious, asking for something to be shown to me.
What immediately pops into my awareness is an image of a cat. Throughout my life, I have always felt a special affinity with these playful furry creatures.
“Hmmm…” I think to myself. “Cats do what they want, whenever they want, without following clocks or rules. Instead of listening to society or to their masters, they are their own masters – masters at following their heart.”
“Cats don’t take on the responsibilities and seriousness of the word.” I further ponder. “I want to be more like a cat, connecting more with the inner joy … the childlike joy … the playful joy.”
Bored Silly
For nearly two hours, Keith works exclusively with a new couple in the group – coaching them in connecting with each others’ hearts, learning to trust each other, etc…
At first I am quite engaged in listening, but eventually I grow extremely bored. I have heard all this before and am unusually distracted.
“If I create my own reality,” I finally begin to question myself, “and I do indeed believe that I do … then why am I creating this boring scene on the porch with Keith engaging in long drawn-out couple therapy?”
Breach in Fidelity
My first answer is that I am learning about relationships – but everything Keith says and does is a repeat from many other such sessions.
Then I remember that the woman earlier mentioned that there had been a breach of trust and fidelity in their relationship.
Flash To The Past
Suddenly, I am taken back in time to a horribly painful experience in my own marriage. I am thirty-one years old, suffering from excruciating mental torment. The gender struggles have grown so intense, so all-consuming, that I am approaching a state of complete breakdown.
On the one hand, I cannot dream of leaving my family, and the thought of walking away from my childhood religion is terrifying. No, I cannot do either.
Yet, on the other hand I am so desperate inside that the only thing I can actually dream of is finding some type of inner peace with my gender struggles. Worse yet, I cannot share my desperation with another living soul.
With all of my heart, I want to remain with my family and my religion – but I feel trapped, believing it to be utterly impossible for loved ones to accept a father transitioning into Brenda.
No, I know I can never just walk away from family and church. That seems emotionally impossible. But then a crazy and desperate idea enters my head.
“If they hate me enough,” I think to myself, “perhaps they might push me away, giving me the freedom to further explore what is now a painful and agonizing inner journey – a journey that has me paralyzed in its clutches.”
In a state of emotional numbness and hopelessness, I do something crazy. I deliberately engage in an act of infidelity – something that will make both family and church push me away.
Yes, the church does excommunicate me, but for ten more long-and-difficult years my wife and I attempt to find some way to make the marriage work.
I had emotionally stabbed her in the heart – yet in her grace and beauty she valiantly and courageously attempted to love and forgive, as did I.
An Unexpected Twist
As I reminisce through these horrifyingly painful events of twenty-four years ago, I begin to feel deep pain while tears simultaneously flood my eyes.
“What’s up?” Keith quickly asks from across the porch as he notices my emotion.
After I fill him in on my journey, Keith quickly gives me unexpected instructions.
“Energetically connect to her.” Keith guides me, pointing to the beautiful woman who had briefly mentioned the breach of fidelity in her own relationship.
“Your feelings and experiences will help her deeply.” Keith further encourages.
“You don’t want to be like this in your fifties when you could have worked things out with love and letting go.” Keith coaches the young couple with love as they watch tears pour out of my eyes.
I fully recognize that my situation at age thirty-one is quite different from that of this couple. However, I am quite grateful that my sudden recognition of unhealed pain can be slightly adapted to help someone else.
In a very generic way, I share my struggles and regrets with this young couple, telling them of the ongoing guilt and sadness that follow me here and there. My words touch the woman quite deeply. The couple moves in closer to each other, each holding the other as they observe my continuing emotional release – a release of guilt and sadness from a time so very long ago.
Soon, the couple needs to leave the porch. As they do so, they both give me deep bear-hugs, thanking me for helping them so profoundly.
An Ugly Tar-Ball
The afternoon is late as Keith begins to work exclusively with me. He asks two others, both gentlemen, to remain to assist – to hold a loving energetic space for my ongoing work.
“I feel like I have a deep pain stuck inside.” I tell Keith through a river of tears. “It feels like an ugly emotional tar-ball that I just want to vomit out of me.”
I cry and cry, but the emotional release seems to be going nowhere. The yucky tar-ball remains stuck in my abdomen.
“Keith,” I ask with confusion, “can you please clarify for me regarding when we should use higher energies to move emotional densities versus doing it through tears?”
“Sometimes you just need to cry it out,” Keith reassures me, “and sometimes higher energies are the answer. It is different every time. You just have to flow with your own energies and learn to trust yourself.”
After listening to Keith’s words, I begin to cry more, feeling the deep pain of my own hopelessness at age thirty-one – feeling how deeply I betrayed my family – feeling the profound sadness, helplessness, futility, and anger of a thirty-one-year-old father so stuck and lost.
All of these emotions are jumbled up in that tar-ball of despair that will not leave me. My second chakra feels completely clogged with this deep and painful energy blockage.
Pulling By The Roots
Even though I am painfully aware that still-deeper tears are begging to be expressed, I cannot seem to access them. Tears continue to flow, but the large tar-ball remains lodged and stuck.
I attempt to visualize myself energetically vomiting the dark, dense energy from my abdomen. I reach down with all the strength of my heart, imagining that I am grabbing tightly at these dense energies, using the power of my will to pull them out by the roots, from the inside out. As I do so, my body goes into a mixture of dry heaves and coughing while I struggle to free myself.
Finally, after a long and excruciating inner journey, I feel as if I have succeeded. These emotional energies have settled and the tar-ball is gone.
The Doubts Are Just Doubts
While Keith moves on to work with Serg, I immerse myself in deep meditation, attempting to engage the higher energies, asking them to fill me up with unconditional love and light, asking them to transmute any left-over dense energies that might remain in this layer of release.
“Brenda,” Keith suddenly interrupts, “I’m guided to tell you that the deep doubts you are feeling are simply that … they are merely doubts. They are not buried truths. They are simply you … you doubting yourself.”
As I listen to Keith’s words I suddenly realize that I had indeed been questioning myself, regretting the unbearable pain, wondering how things might have unfolded twenty-four long years ago had I known then what I know now, wondering if I could have made better choices with a better outcome.
“The truth is,” Keith continues his wisdom, “that you already know that everything that happened needed to happen exactly the way it did.”
My heart resonates powerfully that Keith’s words are indeed true.
As painful as my journey has been both to me and to others in my family, I have never had any doubts. I have always known that the pain was necessary – that the journey was necessary – that while I may not yet know where it is taking me, I absolutely have to go there.
“Part of what you released today was that of your family,” Keith continues his channeled wisdom. “It was something to remind you of just how powerful your internal agony at that time truly was.”
“Congratulations for some powerful work,” Keith concludes his much-appreciated feedback. “Not only did you follow a powerful metaphor and realization (that I create my own reality) in discovering this buried emotion, but you also deeply helped that beautiful couple in the process. You served them deeply.”
Another Day
As I return home on Wednesday evening, I am again experiencing slight pain and nausea in the second chakra – but it is mild and intuitively communicative.
“You are not done yet.” The pain whispers. “But you did a great job today. The rest can wait for another day.”
Rather than fret about the continuous series of emotional layers that need to be peeled away, I instead choose to celebrate in a joyous dinner conversation with Joy – burgers, fries and nachos at a local restaurant.
A Light Headache
The continual journey of deep emotional release – day after day – layer after layer – is beginning to take its toll. Not only am I growing further and further behind in my writing, but I continue to feel my once-stable emotional foundation beginning to crumble below me.
Thursday morning, in an attempt to shore-up that foundation, I engage in a diversion – some much needed Spanish study and meditation.
But it seems that I have a light headache that simply won’t stop. I take this headache with me to the afternoon chocolate ceremony.
Blocked Energies
At the start of the ceremony, Keith asks each of us to describe what we feel.
Religious Chaos
A young man on the porch brings up a deep inner battle. He himself was raised in an Evangelistic family, while his dear wife was raised as a Catholic. But now, his heart is guiding him in a completely different spiritual direction. He is deeply confused by the rejection, judgments, and questions from family and friends.
As he tries to please others, he finds his life filled with “hot air” – empty words being exchange on both sides – words that only lead to further frustration and confusion.
“What do I do,” the young man begs Keith for answers.
Religious Guilt
As I again focus on the fact that I create my own reality, I realize that this religious discussion is serving me deeply.
“This is triggering the second half of what began yesterday.” I suddenly realize. “It is triggering the religious guilt that accompanied that devastating period of my life.”
Almost immediately, the deep emotional pain in my second chakra returns. The unseen “tar-ball” is so physically painful that all I want to do is vomit it out energetically. If only I could.
Crying silently, I wait for Keith to work his way around the porch. I desperately need assistance, and I need it now. The tearful release only grows stronger as the intense emotions boil and churn in my abdomen … waiting … waiting … waiting.
I’ve Had Enough
“Brenda here is connecting deeply to what you are working on.” Keith suddenly shares with a woman across the porch.
Keith immediately follows his own guidance, switching to come over and work with me. Through deep tears, I quickly fill him in on my excruciating journey.
Immediately, Serg begins to cry in a very vocal manner, begging Keith to help him right now. I recognize that Serg’s process parallels my own quite profoundly and I know that his work has often facilitated my own work in amazing ways … but I have had enough of his interruptions.
Keith responds to Serg’s plea by abandoning my side … moving instead to sit in front of Serg.
In a manner very uncharacteristic of my personality, I decide to speak up and say something about my frustrations – to actually express those buried feelings verbally.
“Keith,” I interrupt with confidence. “I am feeling very annoyed by Serg’s frequent interruptions to my process, and by the fact that you again abandoned me to go work with him.”
“It seems that Serg does this almost every time that I hit my own deep pain.” I finish my vocal outburst.
Part of me applauds my courage … part of me is horrified by what I just did.
A Perceptual Shift
“But Brenda,” Keith shocks me with his reply, “You manifested him to mirror your healing so that he could help you via his processing. Serge is simply helping you.”
I am deeply humbled both by Keith’s words, and by the kind and loving manner in which he delivers them.
I needed to be reminded that everything that happens on this porch is part of my process, and even more profoundly, that “it is my personal creation and manifestation.”
I begin to giggle inside as I immediately switch from being a victim of Serg’s interruption to instead being grateful for it. I quickly begin to search and listen, hoping to learn exactly how Serg can help me in my own process.
It Is Their Job
While Keith works further with Serg, I continue to sob, attempting to muffle the emotional outburst so as not to make a huge dramatic scene. True to my expectations, Serg’s processing does indeed trigger me far more deeply, causing the tears to flow with increasing volume, greatly facilitating what happens next.
“Brenda,” Keith begins to work with me again, “rather than crying-out or pulling-out the energies, I want you to identify the religious leaders or institutions that gave them to you … and I want you to give those energies back to their rightful owners.
“It is their job to either transmute the energies or to internalize them.” Keith continues. “It is not yours. These are not your energies to deal with.”
Just A Drop
I feel horrible. I cannot give this deep pain to anyone, not even to my worst enemy (if I had one). I just want to transmute the pain myself. The thought of giving this agonizing pain to someone else is beyond comprehension. I simply cannot … I will not … do it.
“No,” Keith again coaches me firmly, “give the energies back to those who own them.”
Still, I am frozen … I cannot do it. Even the thought causes me deep pain and anguish.
“Give them just a tiny drop of the energy.” Keith encourages me.
As I attempt to visualize myself releasing this tiny flow, I begin to sob and shake. Again I start to cough and experience dry heaves.
“There, you gave up a tiny drop.” Keith reassures me with confidence. “Can you feel the difference?”
“No,” I respond puzzled, “I cannot tell any difference at all.”
As I ponder briefly, I recognize that “not feeling anything” actually gives me confidence to continue – to fully realize that what I am doing is not going to physically hurt anyone else.
Breathe Brenda
“Breathe, Brenda,” Keith coaches me when he realizes what is going on.
I suddenly gasp for breath and begin to hyperventilate rapidly.
“Good,” Keith encourages me. “Give up some more.”
The experience is unexplainably terrifying. I still want to cry this pain out of me. I don’t have the slightest inkling of desire to curse anyone else with it, not even those who gave it to me … especially not to my parents if they might be among the receivers.
Gradually, with Keith’s loving guidance, I release more and more, even bringing in the angels to help. Over time, I feel a steady lightening process occurring in my abdomen.
But the process is not fast. It is extremely slow and tedious, lasting for more than an hour as I layer-by-layer allow the deep, horrendous, painful emotion to be felt and then released.
Repeatedly, I catch myself holding my breath as a way to tolerate the pain.
“Breathe, Brenda,” Keith guides me over and over, again causing me to gasp and hyperventilate.
Return To Sender
Finally the deeply rooted emotions seem to have completely evaporated, having been sent to those who own them. I can only trust that receiving these emotional densities is indeed a part of their own life journey – a part of their own process of learning and growth.
I feel no guilt for packaging up the energies and “returning them to sender.” I feel only a deep sense of relief.
Life Support Terminated
As evening falls and everyone else leaves the porch, I remain briefly for a quick wrap-up discussion with Keith.
“Imagine what a child would feel,” Keith shares with me, “if each time they went to church this is the energy that they felt shutting them down.”
I again reminisce about the intense energetic pains I felt today.
“This is what happened to you!” Keith emphasizes strongly. “You felt this painful energy each time you were being shut down. Imagine how you felt with all of this unexplainable pain inside.”
“Horrible, dead, hopeless, futile, martyred, confused, crying as a child for no apparent reason …” I think to myself.
“You had a beautiful and genuine connection with the real Jesus as a young child, “Keith again emphasizes his point. “But you were forced to give it up for a false connection. Your divine lifeline was cut.”
Following My Heart
Keith’s words cause me to ponder deeply. While they indeed resonate as profoundly true, I again have to honestly acknowledge to myself that I have no physical memories of this intense emotional pain as a child.
What I do have, however, are very clear memories of crying unstoppably for no apparent reason – memories of feeling confused and misunderstood – memories of futility and unexplainable sadness and lacking in self-confidence.
Rational mind wants to laugh and vehemently deny that any of this ever happened.
My heart and intuitions, however, simply stand up and cheer as they proudly proclaim “It is about time you began to figure this all out.”
I choose to listen to my heart.
Appreciated Feedback
As I prepare to leave the magical porch, Keith again pulls me aside to offer support and congratulations.
“I don’t know why I crave such feedback.” I often ponder to myself. “Is it ego or is it simply part of the learning process?”
Perhaps it is a little of both. I only know that I continue to fall victim to occasional periods of self-doubt, and the feedback Keith provides always gives me a little burst of energy and self-trust when I seem to need it most.
“You are ‘right on’ with your growing insights about creating your reality.” Keith reassures me, “and the beautiful work you did today really helped a lot of people on the porch.”
Salsa Delight
After enjoying a delightful farewell dinner for my dear friend and roommate Joy, I decide to indulge myself for an evening of releasing myself from inhibition.
It seems that a local restaurant/hotel is having a free salsa class, and Joy is excited to attend, encouraging me to accompany her.
“I will come for just a few minutes.” I respond to Joy’s eager prodding. “I am really tired after a long emotional day.”
I simply giggle as I walk home two hours later. The salsa dancing was delightful. I love the amount of self-confidence that seems to be building inside. It seems that I am feeling lighter and less-inhibited every single day.
Sneeze Delight
As I walk alone down a dimly-lit dirt path back toward my apartment, I suddenly sneeze. To my surprise and amazement, I experience a powerful surge of tingling energies that literally overwhelm my entire body.
“Wow,” I exclaim with delight. “I think I need to sneeze like that more often.”
I find it amazing how the energy flow in my body is gradually opening and increasing – and I owe it all to the powerful emotional work I am doing – work that is releasing what still seems like an unlimited supply of dense emotional energies – energies that I never before understood were literally clogging and blocking the flow of divine energies in my body.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved