Brenda's Bicycles

How do you relax and integrate after three grueling days of deep emotional exploration and processing? 

Why of course, you schedule a three-hour private session for the next morning. And then you would be sure to immediately follow that up with another five or six hours of afternoon chocolate ceremony. What sane and rational individual wouldn’t do the same? 

Perhaps I really do need to question my sanity. 

A Synchronous Flow 

As I awake early on Monday morning, April 18, I feel tired and unmotivated. My heart desires to be productive, but my head loudly screams, “No, I want to simply crash and numb myself by playing mindless computer games.” 

In a rare standoff with ego, my heart actually wins as I follow strong inner guidance and quickly turn on some music, meditating in bed for an hour and a half, basking in the energizing and enchanting light of Josh Groban’s creative mastery. 

Tears frequently ebb and flow in bubbling waves – a frothy mixture of joy and grief, blended together in beautiful harmony. In one moment I bathe in profound joy at the awakening process in which I am engaged. In the next, I sink into overwhelming grief as I ponder the suffering of that shutdown child that was once me. 

Then the joy returns to stay, reminding me that this energetic shutdown is being gradually and systematically reversed in an amazing synchronous flow. 

Clueless As To Why 

My 9:00 a.m. private session with Keith begins with a beautiful discussion – a simple connection of sharing stories and experiences regarding my growth journey of the last few days. At times, I had felt as if my path was covered with loose gravel, coming dangerously close to the edge of steep cliffs, with dangerous rocks hovering below. 

Deeply sought-after closure begins to settle as Keith and I exchange our perceptive experiences about that crazy Friday afternoon when I sank into childhood and questioned my sanity. I am again immersed in a time warp – feeling as if the crazy stage-play happened yesterday while part of me whispers, “No, it was a lifetime ago.” 

“I know these types of automatic-shutdown experiences still continue to sabotage my life.” I confess to Keith. “But I am clueless as to how or why.” 

“Can you help me explore that a little? I ask humbly. 

A Metaphorical Twist 

“Let’s do explore that,” Keith immediately responds. “Close your eyes …” 

Keith again guides me through the same meditation with which I had so deeply struggled just three days ago … down a flight of stairs … strolling along a hallway … and eventually arriving at a doorway.” 

I have absolutely no trouble descending the stairs, except for the fact that those confusing stairs seem to lead on forever into the depths of the subconscious.  

“I’m never going to find the bottom of these stairs.” I begin to ponder helplessly as confusion and doubt again take hold of my arms. “Surely I should have reached the hallway long before now. I am such a stupid failure at this.” 

I continue to force myself to try seeing a hallway, to leave the staircase and begin walking … but my feelings will simply not obey. All I sense is a continuing descent of endless steps … down … down … down. 

Suddenly, I intuitively recognize a funny and amusing metaphorical twist. 

“Keith,” I interrupt my own process. “In a meditation where I intend to explore the energies of why confusion and doubt continue to shut me down in my adult life, I find it a humorous paradox that confusion and doubt are preventing me from even finding the bottom of a staircase.” 

Feels Like Bambi 

After recognizing my confusion and doubt as simply an ego loop, I eventually reach the bottom step of the metaphorical staircase and walk down a long hallway. At last I sense the presence of a doorway directly in front of me. 

As I nervously imagine myself walking through the door, I feel as if I am in limbo. There are absolutely no feelings, sensations, images or metaphors forming in my mind – just blank emptiness. 

Doubts again attempt to consume my confidence. Patiently I wait for something to intuitively manifest itself. 

“Keith,” I timidly speak, “I think I am finally sensing the presence of a large tree. I seem to be near a clearing in the woods.” 

After a short dialog with Keith, I return to meditation, increasingly growing in self-trust.

“There is a rabbit here.” I share what feels like a totally childish thought. “Now I feel a hummingbird … now there is a deer. This is silly, but it feels like Bambi.” 

A Magical Paradise 

Gradually, I begin to feel as if I am actually living in the classic Walt Disney movie “Bambi” – living in the pure innocence of those endearing forest creatures. Thumper is there and butterflies abound. Childhood purity and joy saturate the ambient air. It is an entire seen filled with joy, love, not a care in the world, and no adult interference or dogma. 

“In the trees beyond the clearing are the bad things in the ‘real-world’” I tell Keith. “There are men with guns that shoot deer, forest fires that destroy everything in their path, and dangerous predators – but here in the meadow, all is innocent and childlike. It is pure magic.” 

Stuck On The Outside 

Insights begin to freely flow – insights telling me that my childhood confusion stemmed from trying to embrace the world of magic while at the same time being forced by trusted adults to leave that magic behind in an imaginary toy chest. The pressure to embrace the ‘real’ physical world felt crazy and chaotic. 

Yes, those controlling adult voices pushed so loudly that I simply could not cope with the chaos. In the midst of my resistance, I repeatedly shut down, retreating to my safe zone in tearful outbursts, attempting to find shelter and protection back in the world of magical energies. 

While continuing this vivid meditation, I suddenly sense that a tall fence has been erected around my magical meadow. A new round or realization floods my awareness. 

“Yes, I felt so confused that I built this fence to provide that desperately sought-after shelter,” I fill Keith in, “… to keep the adults out and to give myself a place to hide.” 

I now clearly sense that the enclosure is constructed using chain-link, barbed wire, and a large supply of razor wire around the top. I was deeply desperate to protect myself from that scary outside world – a world that felt so foreign and frightening. 

“Ironically,” I explain to Keith, “I somehow seem to have gotten stuck on the outside of that invisible metaphorical fence.” 

Hopelessly Overgrown 

“But the inner voices never completely abandoned me.” I ponder while continuing to meditate. “As I found myself caught up in the citizen-factory programming, those whispers continued to speak to me. The only problem is that they were increasingly drowned-out by the overwhelming shouts of responsibility, logic, and structure.” 

I realize that in the midst of that ongoing and intense inner war, that my protective wall of confusion somehow switched roles. Now, instead of using confusion to shutdown and hide-behind in order to protect myself from having to hear the adult voices, I use confusion and doubt to prevent myself from hearing the magical whispers. 

“I grew to totally distrust the intuitive voices, firmly entrenching myself in the provable world of logical thinking,” I think to myself. “My fence became hidden and lost, hopelessly overgrown with a jungle of trees, shrubs, and weeds.” 

Always Seeking 

“Now that I am finally on a path toward awakening,” I explain to Keith, “that fence is so covered over and hidden that I feel a complete and overwhelming sense of futility.” 

“I may never find that magical place again.” I have often found myself pouting at various points in my path. “Someone up there seems to be hiding it from me.” 

“Continuously seeking but never fully finding,” seems to be the theme of frequent ego chatter – chatter reminding me that I am separate, and that God will never help me, no matter how hard I seek. 

Yes, I am seeking for that beautiful magical clearing in the woods – a meadow of innocence, occupied by Bambi, butterflies, and Thumper – but I never seem to find it. 

Frozen In Doubt 

Still deep in meditation, I now find myself standing outside this overgrown wall in the woods. I am here at last, but there is no way in. I am helplessly stuck, stifled yet again. 

At this moment, outside of my meditation, a young child begins to run through Keith’s garden. Her mother is purchasing chocolate from Isaias. At first reaction, I begin to grasp for judgment, believing the little child to be interrupting my meditation – but suddenly I remember “This is my creation, my reality.” 

Following this cleverly-provided physical-life clue, I quickly grab the hand of my own little inner child. Slowly and surely she guides me to a specific spot in the fence, pulls back some hanging vines, and reveals a hidden gate. 

I stand there, paralyzed, frozen with doubt. 

“I can’t go in there.” A voice in my head screams loudly. 

“Either I won’t be able to enter, or when I get inside there will be absolutely nothing to find.” The voice continues its internal rampage of doubt. 

An Angelic Software Engineer 

“What is that voice?” Keith quickly jumps in to help. “And where is it?” 

“It is in my heart,” I soon respond, “and it is like an old fake wizard from Kansas speaking into a loud microphone from behind a small curtain.” 

“Go into your heart and find that curtain” Keith guides me. 

I begin to cry at the thought, doubting my capacity, fearful of failure as I further listen to that insidious ego voice masquerading as me. 

“Call in your Higher Self and the angels to help you reprogram the parts of that voice that are now ready to be let go of.” Keith again coaches. 

As I immerse myself in this new task I first sense a giggling angelic presence shoveling out a portion of my heart chakra. Soon there are two. Eventually I sense the existence of a rectangular stone box. The giggling angels are utilizing chisels and tiny brushes to clear out the corners – like dinosaur excavators delicately uncovering the bones with extreme care. 

Simultaneously, I begin to feel a dancing group of angels working in my brain circuitry, joyfully and carefully rearranging energies, as if they are removing old and outdated programming from my brain cells. 

“Bring in an angelic engineer to finish the reprogramming job.” Keith coaches. 

As I do so, I have no idea what, if anything actually changes – but past experience gives me confidence to believe that this is indeed real, and that something will be different in my field when the process is complete. 

An Orange Nebula 

“I intuitively sense that the process is now complete.” I finally inform Keith. 

“Now, go back to that gate in the fence with your little girl.” Keith guides me. “Go through the gate.” 

To my amazement, as I feel myself approaching the gate, I no longer experience any fear or resistance. Suddenly, without a pause, I sense that I am being energetically pulled through the gate. I cannot stop even if I had wanted to try. 

Instead of finding a meadow with Bambi and Thumper, I find myself floating in outer space, sensing and partially visualizing a beautiful pale-orange nebula. I am floating in the nebula, being pulled … pulled … pulled. 

It is only as I later write in the present day that I begin to wonder if the color could be referring to my second chakra – that of my sexuality and creativity – one that was severely blocked during childhood. 

Floating In Peace  

Surrendering to the pulling, I eventually find myself landing on the ground in front of an old stone pyramid. It is fairly small, surrounded by trees, and overgrown by shrubs and smaller trees. Leaves and other decaying plant debris are also scattered around the surface. 

“This is my temple,” I intuitively recognize. “It is my sacred inner temple.” 

“My little girl is showing me that I still have more cleanup work to do,” I continue pondering, “but this beautiful sacred space is nearly ready to occupy.” 

Immediately, I recall a past life regression that spontaneously unfolded during a private meditation near the end of my Moon Course in my room at the Pyramids, over eleven long months ago. In that meditation, I had visually seen the exact same stone pyramid with a small stream of crisp and clear water running down the steps – a stream that had been suddenly tarnished by what felt like a bucket of mud coming from somewhere behind me. 

As this memory floods my awareness, I immediately feel myself pulled back into space. Momentarily, I visualize New York City fading into a rapidly disappearing planet earth below. It is close to the exact same visualization I had eleven months ago. 

Again, I find myself simply floating in space, overflowing with beautiful peace and joy, having absolutely nothing to do or see. 

“Your little girl has brought you here to tell you that you can simply float in this peace while trusting the process.” Keith lovingly interjects. “Just enjoy the peace and bring it into your soul.” 

For the remainder of the morning I simply sit in silent meditation, basking in the light of this incredible peace while Keith begins to prepare for a rapidly approaching afternoon ceremony. 

Another Level 

Besides Keith, only two others show up on the magical porch for the afternoon chocolate journey. I remain so overjoyed by the peace in my heart that I soon curl up on a large overstuffed pillow while Keith proceeds to engage the other two in individual inner work. 

“Your energy is really powerful today.” Keith soon congratulates me. “You are rising up on a wave that you can ride for a while.” 

Keith’s reassuring words add fuel to my meditative bliss as I further relax into the beautiful and peaceful vibrations. 

“Go up another level in awareness and consciousness.” Keith gives new guidance as I begin to sit up on my pillow. 

Rational mind has no idea how to comply with Keith’s instructions, but heart simply whispers “follow me” as I again sink deeper into the energies. 

Got The T-Shirt 

Deep realizations begin to filter into my awareness – profound insights that warm my heart and fill me with confidence. 

“My shutdown as a child has been a huge gift.” I ponder excitedly. “The absolute magnitude of my total energy blackout – a blackout that left me feeling abandoned by God and the higher energies – has made it possible for me to profoundly understand the depths of the process in a way that I will be capable of providing great assistance to others in the future.” 

“Yes,” I giggle inside, “this is the type of assistance that can only be provided by someone with a comprehensive first-hand understanding of the deep, painful, and excruciating processing, and the patience that it often takes to get through it all.” 

“I will be able to say that I have ‘been there, done that, and got the t-shirt’,” I chuckle as I ponder a metaphor that Keith often uses. 

Consumed By Curiosity 

“I’m feeling a little painful density manifesting itself in my tummy.” I share with Keith as he later inquires how I am doing. 

“Do you think I need to move this density myself?” I ask curiously, “Or might it be possible for someone like you who is an empath to simply help me move it in a less dramatic manner.” 

“Yesterday,” Keith responds, “I checked and my guidance told me that you needed to learn a new way to do it yourself.” 

“But I’m getting that we can try something different today.” Keith adds. 

Curiosity and anticipation quickly consume me. 

Being Blending  

“I want you to invite a Higher Being to join with you and to help you.” Keith continues. 

“This is not a part of your Higher Self,” Keith continues, “but is a separate being, one with whom you have been deep friends since before this lifetime – one that you knew quite well as a child.” 

Keith has my absolute attention. 

“I want you to connect with this being and blend your energy with it.” Keith finishes his guidance. “Then ask it to help you with the density. 

Unexpected Fear 

I begin to meditate alone as Keith returns to work with the other two. As I ask the being to connect with me, I immediately feel a strong connection in my heart chakra, manifesting as actual physical pressure on my body throughout the chest area. 

To my shock, I also begin to experience huge resistance and inner fear – fear that seems to haunt me – fear of connecting with something I do not yet know – fear of the implied intimacy that automatically accompanies this type of deep heart connection. 

For thirty long minutes I cycle in and out of this unbelievable and inexplicable fear – feeling terrified to fully allow this strong heart connection, wondering if I am doing it correctly, wondering if I should interrupt Keith. I am not at all surprised that Keith has not even looked in my direction for a very long time. 

“Surely he is following me.” I reassure myself. “I know him well enough to know that this feeling of abandonment, of needing to do it by myself, is actually a major part of the process – and I know that Keith knows this too.” 

Fear Of Intimacy 

When Keith finally looks in my direction, I find the courage to interrupt and describe my fear-filled journey, asking for guidance, validation, and reassurance. 

“Yes, I have been following you the whole time,” Keith confirms lovingly. 

“What you are experiencing is the fear of intimacy,” Keith fills me in. 

He goes on to clarify that I am afraid that a relationship with this being will get complicated, playing out many of my deeply-rooted relationship fears that continue to follow me around in the physical world. 

An Intimate Stare 

Keith surprises me by getting the attention of a man on the porch – a man I will simply call Mike (not his real name). 

“Mike, Connect to Brenda,” Keith guides my new friend. “Sit in front of her.

Immediately I lock eyes with Mike and begin to engage in an unbroken stare. I am determined to not be the first one who glances away

Repeatedly, mild waves of fearful tears come up and out of my eyes, slowly trickling down saturated cheeks – but I maintain my intimate eye-connection, barely even blinking. I am determined to plow through these fears. 

While doing so, I imagine that Mike’s eyes really belong to my “Higher Being Friend” – the one with whom I am still continuing to blend. The undeniable physical pressure on my chest – pressure from an unseen source – continues to remind me that this is real. 

As I maintain an intimate stare with Mike, I simultaneously feel a strong sense of inner trust building in my heart. Throughout the process I also maintain an ongoing conversation with Keith detailing everything that I feel and experience. 

I remember little if any of the words that Keith and I exchange, but I profoundly remember the emotions surrounding the deep intimacy, the flowing fears, and the flowing tears. 

Just The Right Moment 

“I feel very vulnerable and open.” I tell Keith as tears continue to trickle. 

“Great,” Keith reassures me, “just stay with it and build your trust. Allow yourself to deeply experience every feeling.” 

“This being has been your friend for a very long time,” Keith again guides me. “I have been waiting for just the right moment to introduce this process to you.” 

“You have been asking about channeling,” Keith adds, “and this is the first step in connecting with a being … building that love and trust which is all that happens at first. Depending on your relationship with this being, it may eventually turn into more communication.” 

Reversing Reminders 

Mike soon needs to leave for another appointment. We have gazed non-stop into each others eyes for nearly an hour. 

“I am still feeling this pain in my abdomen.” I remind Keith of my original question. 

“Ask the being to help you in moving it.” Keith reminds me of his original guidance. 

A Bucket Of Muck 

Feeling clueless as to how to proceed, I silently express my desire to this profound energy-friend of mine, asking if he will assist and teach me what to do. 

For a very long time, I feel stuck and doubtful, feeling nothing shift inside and feeling no intuitions regarding energy movement. 

“Release just a part of it.” Keith coaches me. 

Again I go through the motions, feeling very little. 

“There, you did it.” Keith reassures me. “What did you experience?” 

“Almost nothing at all,” I respond as I again begin to slip into my ego loop of doubt and self-created failure. 

“Dip a bucket into the muck,” Keith gives me new instructions, “and lift it out of your crown chakra.” 

“Wow I felt that.” I giggle to Keith as I use my heart to metaphorically follow Keith’s guidance. 

“Did you notice that stuff not in the bucket also followed it up and out?” Keith inquires. 

“No.” I reply feeling stupid. 

“Then do it again.” Keith prods. 

“Yes, I felt it this time.” I reply with glee. 

A Continuous Stream 

“Now, do it with your hand, without a bucket.” Keith further guides. 

“I felt it again.” I happily respond. 

“Now, just ask it to form a continuous stream.” 

To my amazement, I physically sense a stream of mild energy leaving my solar plexus, traveling delightfully up my spine, and exiting through the top of my head. 

This pleasurable sensation continues on for a while as I continue a short conversation with Keith. Soon, after realizing I had been momentarily distracted, I take note that the sensation of energy movement has completely ceased. 

Put It On Autopilot 

I explain my dilemma to Keith and again ask for his advice. Again he reminds me of his original advice. 

“Ask your higher-being friend to assist you.” Keith coaches me.  

Keith further explains that it will not happen in a “channeling way”, but will instead happen in a “channeling-love way”. To my surprise, I actually understand what he means. No words will be exchanged, but my divine friend will indeed supply help via the magic of love. 

Keith emphasizes to me that this being is not helping by acting in the role of an empath, but is instead simply an assistant to my process. 

Repeatedly I begin to feel the emotional density begin to move, but then it keeps stopping when I get distracted. 

“Put it on autopilot mode.” Keith provides what now seems to be obvious advice. 

Channel Dabble 

Throughout the remainder of our Monday afternoon ceremony, Keith and I engage in a beautiful conversation about my ongoing journey of intuitive inner work. All through the conversation, I continue to monitor the energy movement beginning in the solar plexus and flowing out my crown. To my delight, the flow continues without my need to consciously mange or control. 

I begin to beg for more understanding from Keith regarding higher beings with whom I can connect and blend. Keith loving reminds me of what I already know and understand – that lower-energy astral beings are not going to waste their time connecting with me unless I put out a specific request and intent. As long as my intentions are pure and loving with a desire to seek out the light, I will not be bothered by such entities at all. 

“Your mother is very proud of you.” Keith unexpectedly shares during the heart of our discussion. 

Keith then guides me in establishing my own brief personal connection with my deceased mother’s essence. Again, a few doubts buzz around my head like annoying mosquitoes, 

I’m not quite sure what I experience. My intuitions are not developed enough to fully understand, but I do indeed feel intuitively that she is very peaceful in her ongoing journey in another dimension. 

Our discussion continues to dabble in a myriad of directions related to channeling, but sadly enough, I am so new to the topic that I mentally retain only fragments of Keith’s loving words. 

Late-Night Blending 

Later that evening, after a quick flurry of note-taking and rice-and-beans, I immerse myself in the Walt Disney classic, Bambi. The movie is not a perfect match for my memories, but remains a beautiful and very useful metaphor for my processing.  

As I prepare for bed, I first decide to try another go at blending with my new friend, the unnamed higher being. To my delight, I experience a beautiful flow of energies throughout my entire body – energies that are both pleasurable and peaceful. 

But to my dismay, it seems that this energy blend does not resolve the ongoing cloudiness in my third-eye chakra. It seems that there is yet more emotional work to be done on another day. 

Back To The Future 

This morning as I began writing about that beautiful Monday nearly six weeks ago, I was filled with an inspired thought while documenting how Josh Groban’s music had electrified me early that morning. 

I rarely listen to music while I write – mostly because I am so immersed in what I am doing that I don’t want to be distracted – but today I break with routine, following inner guidance to cue up all four of my Josh Groban albums, allowing them play softly in the background. 

Suddenly, a very profound feeling tells me “Turn the volume up and listen … NOW!” 

The song is one written and performed by Don McLean in 1971 – one that I loved during those troubled High School years. I never fully understood the significance of the words, but something about the song energetically tugged at my heartstrings. 

In 2001, during another extremely difficult period of my life, a dear friend excitedly introduced me to a new version of the same song as sung by Josh Groban. Immediately I fell in love, again not connecting so much with the words as with the energy of the song. From that day onward, I became an avid fan of this amazing male vocalist and his debut album. 

Today while writing up a storm, as the song “Vincent” (frequently called Starry, Starry Night) begins to play loudly in my field, I pay deep and close attention to the words. 

Now I Understand 

Suddenly, I regress again to the desperate struggle through which I myself passed as a child – the very shutdown that I continue to process in so many profound ways. As a child, desperately wanting to be heard and understood, I finally gave up in a battle – a battle for permission to be different and unique – a battle that seemed futile and hopeless. 

Following is a selection of a few words that profoundly touched my heart – words that I now imagine myself lovingly singing to that lost and frightened little boy that was me. 

…
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

…
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you 

…
Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will…

Yes, my dear sweet child did indeed suffer for his sanity. He tried to talk back to his parents but simply ended up being more confused and shut down. After desperately seeking pure unconditional love and understanding, he finally gave up in despair by committing “energetic” suicide – seeing no other possibility of fitting in and being understood in a society that would not listen. 

Yes, I believe that “Now I Understand” what my little child so desperately wanted to say, both to me and to others. 

Vincent 

Vincent Van Gogh died on July 29, 1890. At only 37 years of age, he briefly survived a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest, but passed-away two days later as complications took their toll. For much of his life Vincent struggled with his so-called sanity, having self-committed himself to an asylum for most of the final year of his life. His famous painting “A Starry Night” was painted while behind those locked doors. 

Vincent released himself from the asylum a couple of months before his death, stating that he believed his doctor to be sicker than he was. 

I know that this song was written by someone else more than eighty years after Vincent Van Gogh’s death, and I myself know very little of substance regarding his life, but even so, I wonder if perhaps Vincent too was deeply struggling with an inability to survive in a society that would not allow him to be different and unique – a society that demanded that he too must be a programmed citizen. 

Following are the full lyrics to this beautiful song.
 

Vincent (also called Starry, Starry Night)
Written by Don McLean in 1971
Performed by Don McLean, and later by Josh Groban 

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In color on the snowy linen land 

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now 

Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds and violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand 

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now 

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
But I could have told you Vincent
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you 

Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow 

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will.
 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved