After a relaxed day of writing, I awaken on Wednesday morning, April 27, to a confusing and unexpected metaphysical twist.
A series of bizarre circumstances have caused me to question my reality in such a startling way that I suddenly recognize that I must be asleep, inside of a dream. Immediately, I become lucid, fully aware that I am actually dreaming, still physically sleeping, while consciously directing the dream from within itself.
For the next minute or so before I finally wake up physically, I experience a short and very strange sequence of events – events that trouble my mind and cause me to be seriously confused about my sexuality.
Lucid Flashbacks
Eight of us gather on the magical porch for the afternoon chocolate ceremony. As usual, the group seems to have been hand picked to guide me on my own powerful journey.
Early individual work focuses on a woman who has been experiencing considerable pain in her side, accompanied by energy vibrations in her feet.
As Keith guides her into meditation – a meditation designed to help her discover and experience the minor chakras below her feet – I feel intuitively guided to follow along.
While attempting to connect with the feminine energies of Mother Earth, I begin to feel a flow of energy entering my second chakra – a highly pleasurable energy that stimulates a feeling of sexual energy. As I do so, my mind is immediately whisked back to my strange lucid dream.
Time To Delve Deeper
With this metaphorical thread having been thrust upon me, I immediately immerse myself into deeper meditation regarding these buried and rejected second chakra energies. Opening my mind, I become an impartial observer as I explore issues of sexual attraction, sexual expression, male versus female, men versus women, masculinity versus femininity – all the while allowing myself to feel the chains of confusion and deep religious judgments that accompany every thought.
Intense fear begins to surface as I methodically allow the pleasurable energy to pass through me in soft waves. As I observe these fears, I notice that they are accompanied by churning and agitation in my tummy, stirring up feelings that cause me to get quite emotional as the meditation progresses.
The most intense fears seem to be in the area of sexual expression – fears about self-judgment – fears about the judgmental opinions of others – potential judgment from beloved family and friends. Over the last ten years or so, I have often quietly questioned my sexuality – deeply confused by my back-and-forth rejections of both masculine and feminine energies – never allowing myself to explore this confusion because of the deeply rooted fears of judgment and entanglement.
As I ponder more deeply, I realize that my usual solution of simply ignoring those confusing feelings no longer serves me. It is time to delve deeper into the shutdown of second chakra energies – time to follow the metaphor a bit further.
Automatic Responses
To my dismay, Keith takes nearly two hours to make his first circle around the porch. By the time he eventually reaches my seat, deep emotions are bubbling – fears and trickling tears fully dominate my meditative experience. The long delay has indeed been perfect as I have listened to the work of others while plunging further into my own internal trek. It has all been exactly what I needed to totally immerse myself in a frightening and confusing journey into forbidden subjects.
As I sit in this constant bombardment of fear-based energies – energies that consume my entire abdomen – I recognize that shame and guilt seem to be profoundly programmed into my second chakra. Such energies are so deeply rooted that they are automatic and expected responses to any type of perceived sexual thought or energy.
Tightly Chained
I am totally blocked in the lower chakras, completely isolated from the heart. Again, I experience the sensation of what feels like a tight and restricting belt that squeezes the top of my solar plexus just below the rib cage, doing everything possible to prevent energies from flowing either up or down.
“What if I break out of the box even further?” I ponder to myself. “What if I actually do get in a relationship with a man?”
“My children would be completely freaked out, having a very difficult time with that decision.” I cower in speculative fear.
“What If I allow myself to further explore and discover that I am really a lesbian?” I take it one step deeper. “Surely, that would totally destroy all hope of further integration with my deeply-religious family.”
Not only are the energies currently blocked, but so are my options. I feel helpless and hopeless – in a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” type of paradox. Surely it is easier to simply allow this part of me to remain tightly chained.
Again and again, waves of fear cause me to tearfully cringe at the thought of exploring further.
Return Of The “I” Word
“I’m really struggling with deep confusion.” I confess openly to Keith when he finally sits in front of me. “I am going into profound fears about sexuality and the energies of masculinity and femininity.”
Normally I would never have the courage to admit such confusion in front of a mixed group of people, many of whom I do not even know. But somehow, today, I feel courageous and relaxed, speaking generically but genuinely and honestly in a way that Keith and those who do know me can fully understand.
“This is what happened to you as a young child, at varying ages.” Keith surprises me with an insight that I was not at all expecting.
“Again, I am guided to the energy of ‘implant’” Keith further shocks me.
“Think about that one.” He adds for emphasis.
For the second time in two back-to-back ceremonies, Keith brings up this loaded ‘implant’ word – a word which I have never before heard him use in any circumstance. He again repeats that he dislikes the word ‘implant’ – but his guidance is very clear on this one.
Keith’s words resonate deeply in my heart. It seems that my dysfunctional beliefs regarding sexuality have been psychically implanted into me.
The Subtlety of Lies
As I begin to express life-long fears, emotions, and recognition of the horrible struggles of my youth centered in dysfunctional sexual and gender beliefs that were not even my own, a woman from across the porch interrupts.
“But Brenda,” This woman protests, “I see you as being so beautiful and confident, blah, blah, blah.”
“You don’t understand.” I lovingly interrupt back, “I know that all of these childhood fears and self-judgments are indeed lies – but your words are actually disempowering, trying to ‘fix’ and invalidate a process into which I must dive deeply. Rather than whitewash these lies with present-day truth, I must further regress and experience the lies so that I can truly heal and empower myself from that child’s perspective.”
“At a rational mind level,” I continue, “I absolutely know that I am beautiful and confident, etc…, but at a deep subconscious level these lies continue to thrive and to dominate the underlying energies of how I actually feel and experience life.”
Flowing Freely
Keith then adds a ten-minute explanation of my journey to fully understand, to wake up from, and to write about the common shutdown process of people who grew up in seemingly-happy, Christian, middle-class homes – loving homes free from visible abuse of any kind.
“Brenda needs to understand the process from all possible angles,” Keith adds, “from as many viewpoints as she can, from every level of emotion and energy. Right now, she needs to regress as a child and personally re-experience these profound emotions.”
While Keith continues talking, his words give me implicit permission to sink deeper and deeper into an experience that fully consumes me. Tears begin to flow, transforming quickly into profound gut-wrenching sobs, causing me to eventually collapse forward as painful densities agitate wildly in my abdomen.
Again, I attempt to minimize the external display of drama, while fully maximizing the intense emotional journey through which I am regressing. The river of emotions flowing through me is excruciatingly painful and physically overwhelming.
I simply allow those powerful emotional waters to flow unobstructed.
An Exploration Into Fixing
In the middle of my intense emotional release, a sweet young man stands up, walks across the porch, and sits directly in front of me. Without asking, this young friend of mine (I will call him Sam) reaches forward and begins to do energy work while touching my arms.
I sense that he is trying to fix me, to assist me by trying to lessen the pain of my profound emotional process, but I choose to simply ignore because I do not want to offend my friend.
“Sam,” Keith quickly interrupts. “I don’t think you should touch Brenda right now. It will interfere with her process as a fixing energy.”
“Yeah,” I interject lovingly, “the moment you touched me, the intensity of my emotions backed off, and I need to feel these emotions. I need to feel them to the bottom so that I can get the understanding and healing that I need.”
Continued Fixing
As I again bend forward, dear Sam continues to sit closely in front of me. His presence is deeply distracting. His energy is still too close. Realizing that his intent is pure, I again say nothing, instead looking inward to question why I am so resistant to his presence.
Finally, as I proceed with my deep emotional release, I realize that my hips are killing me. My crossed-legs are cramping painfully, and I desperately need to stretch out.
“Sam, would you please back up a little so that I can stretch out my feet.” I ask lovingly.
“Do you mind if I just sit right here?” Sam asks after backing up a couple of feet, barely giving me enough room for my feet to stick out straight in front of me.
As Sam holds his hands an inch from my feet, I again feel emotional energy flowing out of my feet and into his body – again distracting and weakening my process. Again I say nothing out of loving respect for my friend. I am determined to understand my own resistance.
Fixing Explained
As I continue my gut-wrenching sobs, Keith quickly enters into a deeper discussion with Sam, explaining to him the subtle but profound difference between fixing and holding space.
Fixing energy, while lovingly intended, has a way of disempowering and invalidating someone’s process, subtly suggesting that something is wrong with them, implying that they are unnecessarily suffering and that you want to rescue them, to help alleviate some of their pain so that they can stop hurting and heal more rapidly.
A loving energy of “holding space”, however, is just the opposite. It implies that you understand that what someone is doing is extremely empowered – that the deep emotional release through which they might be passing is a necessary and profound part of their healing journey – and that you are simply sending love and holding an energetic space to support them in their powerful emotional process.
As Keith finishes his deep exploration into the subtleties of fixing, dear sweet Sam continues to sit with his extended hands only an inch below my feet.
“Sam,” I finally get the courage to ask, “Can you please give me a little more space. Your energy work is still distracting me.”
Persistent Good Intentions
“If Sam was listening to me he would have already moved away by now.” Keith unexpectedly jumps in to back up my request.
The loving directness of Keith’s words surprises me. I realize that he is using this as a profound teaching moment for Sam. I am deeply grateful that my feelings are being validated by Keith, and am also thankful for the loving opportunity to help my friend understand more about the complex subtleties of “fixing” energy.
Sam quickly moves away from my feet, but strangely enough asks if I would mind if he simply sits by my side, merely holding space for me.
“Sure, that would be fine.” I reply reluctantly.
To my deep surprise, Sam squeezes so closely in to my left side that our arms are touching even though there is plenty of space for him to allow me more room for my deep emotional process. Again, I feel deeply distracted as I sense my emotional intensity being sucked away in Sam’s direction, still making it difficult for me to remain immersed in a process that I know I must complete.
I know that Sam is only trying to help, and I again struggle with the question of whether or not I should say anything.
Fixing Finale
As Keith guides me further in my process, I cannot help but continue to feel distracted by my young friend’s beautiful intentions.
“I am so sorry,” I briefly interrupt Keith and speak to Sam, “but this is just not working for me. I am still deeply distracted by your energy.”
As Sam moves away, feeling somewhat shunned, I look to Keith for loving advice. I feel quite guilty, as if I may have done something bad or wrong.
“Am I being pushy and rude for wanting my energetic space protected?” I beg Keith for reassurance. “I know that I need to learn to more readily allow assistance from others.”
“No, Brenda,” Keith gently supports me, “now is not the time to learn to receive from others. You were indeed being distracted by Sam’s energy, feeling that it was fixing energy, and that is all that matters for now.”
My guilt is fully released as a short loving discussion ensues between Keith, Sam and I. Sam is still somewhat confused by the way I have experienced his energy, but then again he is going through his own powerful process – a process of learning to support others without seeing their pain as needing to be fixed or helped.
Another Layer Lightened
Through this back and forth discussion of fixing energies, my process of deep emotional release has continued to unfold and progress. Finally, the emotions settle, the tears dry up, and intuitions tell me that this phase of my tearful process is now complete.
Several people around the room have been holding a deep and profound loving space for me, silently granting me energetic permission to dive into the agonizing emotional pain, not judging me as being weak and needing help while I searched for the bottom of those murky waters. Another layer of long-forgotten emotions has been beautifully released.
Divine Life Force
“Brenda, this was done to you as a form of psychic surgery,” Keith again begins to teach me about the energetic blocks in my lower chakras.
Keith again emphasizes that he does not like the term ‘psychic surgery’ because it is extremely overused, but that it is his best way of describing what actually happened to me.
“Your parents and religious leaders psychically implanted the blocks.” Keith continues guiding me. “They didn’t know what they did, but they implanted actual psychic blocks in you that caused this fear, shame, and guilt over your sexuality.”
As I listen to Keith’s words, they resonate as being true in my heart. Throughout my life I have been cursed with deep fear, shame and guilt with anything and everything sexual. Even within the sanctioned boundaries of marriage, I often experienced strong shame, doubts, and confusion regarding sexual experience and exploration.
Keith goes on to explain that the flow of life force from below must be felt, brought up, and allowed to flow into the third and fourth chakras. When these energies are blocked and stopped at the second chakra, they may manifest as being sexual energy, but when allowed to flow all the way to the heart, they supply us with divine life force that is crucial for our spiritual growth and development.
As I briefly ponder on Keith’s words, I clearly recognize that the energy blocks in my lower chakras actually prevented me from bringing the life force energy to my heart, instead trapping that energy in the sexual/creativity chakra, further increasing the sexual energy, further causing me to struggle with deep guilt regarding my overwhelming sexual confusion as a youth.
Subtleties of Psychic Surgery
“Everyone can do this.” Keith teaches me regarding the subtleties of psychic surgery. “But not everyone does do this.”
He goes on to explain that psychic surgery is actually quite common. He explains that it is a consciously performed process, but that it is usually done with “blinders on” such that the person doing it is unaware and incapable of believing or even acknowledging that it actually happened.
It is usually done with good intentions, but from a negative polarity, such as when a loving parent uses their unknown psychic power to control or to manipulate their children into adopting certain behaviors or beliefs – for their own good of course.
Keith further explains that there are people who are indeed aware of their psychic ability, and who intentionally use it from a negative polarity.
“But this can also be used in a positive polarity, with the intention of helping others.” Keith quickly adds.
“How?” I respond with shock and disbelief. “It seems to be so controlling and manipulative … how could such abilities possibly be used in a positive and helpful way where they are not disempowering and controlling?”
Do It With Your Heart
“This is one of your own magical abilities that is ready to wake up in you right now.” Keith further surprises me.
“That woman on your left has blocks implanted into her.” Keith guides me in an unexpected and confusing direction. “You need to use your ability right now to connect with her and to psychically remove one of those blocks.”
“Don’t use your head.” Keith coaches me. “Your heart knows what to do … do it with your heart.”
I focus on empowering my heart with love, and then imagine it reaching over to the woman, searching for a block, and pulling it out like a plug or cork. As I do so, intense fear begins to arise inside me – fear accompanied by strong pain in my abdomen. Powerful agitated emotions of my own childhood shutdown stir painfully in my lower chakras.
“I am trying to focus on sending the energy over to her to find the blocks.” I exclaim to Keith with doubts. “But I am facing intense fears and pain inside myself.”
“Quit using your head.” Keith firmly interrupts. “Quit trying … just do it with your heart.”
Heart And Will
As I redouble my efforts to get out of my rational mind, I again experience more fear and pain – but soon those pesky little parasites leave me as I experience deep power in my heart. Intuitively, I feel as if an arm of energy reaches out from the left side of my chest, extending in the woman’s direction. I simply focus on the loving energy without thinking, simply ‘willing’ that what needs to happen will indeed happen.
“There Brenda,” Keith interjects, “it is done. Did you feel it?”
“Not really,” I reply confused. “I am not totally tuned in to the ability quite yet.”
“What did you feel?” Keith follows up, not letting me off easy.
“I felt an intense power in my heart, as if energy from my left side was reaching over in her direction.” I reply.
“That is exactly what you needed to feel.” Keith reassures me. “That is your feedback. Your inner feelings told you that you had a connection and that you did something.”
“You were also deeply connected to the ‘will’ in your own solar plexus.” Keith intuitively points out. “You did it with your heart and your powerful will.”
On A Shelf
“Just put this ability on a shelf for now,” Keith lovingly coaches me, seeing how confused and reluctant I am to embrace what just happened.
“Integrate,” Keith continues, “don’t try to figure it out or to understand more right now. It will come up again in your healing path and you will get more exposure and experience in using and understanding this ability.”
I trust Keith’s words profoundly, but confusion and doubt continue to reign supreme. I choose to simply follow his advice, believing that the issue will resurface and become much clearer in the future – perhaps when I work through more of my own issues of self-confidence.
Already Gone
“I have my own implant still in my abdomen.” I quickly point out to Keith. “Can I do this same procedure on myself to remove it?”
“It is already gone.” Keith lightly chuckles. “You already removed it.”
“I was thinking that I might have done that when I experienced the intense pain and emotion in my own abdomen as I attempted to work with her.” I respond to Keith.
Thousands Of Chains
Soon, Keith guides another woman deep into her subconscious. As he does so, I decide to follow along in my own process.
Unexpectedly, I find myself in a dark room in which there are chains binding me to my family, both parents and children, shackling me with guilt, control, and demands of conformity. Realizing that these chains are loose and easily removed, I slip them over my head and step free. Then, bringing in intense light and love, I transmute the chains to nothingness.
As I take a deeper look around the room, I suddenly realize that there are thousands of chains still binding me to family and past beliefs – chains of programming and attachments – chains binding me to guilt, behaviors, belief systems, and the like. I focus on shining a brilliant light while asking Higher Self to help me transmute any and all chains that no longer serve a future healing purpose – chains that are no longer necessary for my path.
Empath Training Revisited
Soon, Keith begins to guide the same woman into an empath training.
As he does so, I feel my little inner child Sharon bouncing up and down, saying “I want to do it again.”
“I do too.” I giggle back to my little girl.
During phase one, I experience considerable pain as it reenters my body, piling up as I stuff it into my abdomen.
During phase two, where the energy passes through me but does not touch me, I experience considerable energy movement in my abdomen as I envision the densities passing through me and down to the earth, which is where I seem to be sending them.
As phase three begins, where the dense energies do not even touch my body, I am surprised at the level of doubt that suddenly consumes me. Yes, I feel a flow of energy coming straight toward me and then down to the earth, but a considerable amount of agitation and fear continue to churn in my tummy.
Unfounded Fears
“I have been feeling intense agitation and pain in my solar plexus for the last five minutes or so.” I explain to Keith when he checks in with me after the training.
“This is your little child.” Keith responds with loving guidance. “She is terrified that if you release the controls and blocks that have prevented energy flow in your lower chakras – allowing the energies to come in and the magic to open up – that you will get new psychic implants put into you – that opening to new energies will automatically bring new psychic vulnerability.”
“Is her fear founded?” I ask Keith curiously.
“No, but she is deeply afraid that it will happen again.” Keith responds.
“Why don’t you have a talk with her?” Keith encourages me.
“I will have her go out in the meadow to have a chat with Higher Self.” I share my plan with Keith.
“First,” Keith counters, “you need to talk to her yourself.”
After a brief imaginary conversation with my precocious little girl, I soon send her out into the meadow for the remainder of the chocolate ceremony. To my delight, the pain in my abdomen quickly settles and relaxes, allowing me to feel quite peaceful.
Summing Up The Subtleties
“Brenda,” Keith provides feedback as I prepare to walk home, “as you have been so much lately, you were awesome today. You did beautiful work as you followed the flow.”
As I reflect back on another remarkable day, I am utterly amazed at how the flow of my Higher Self did indeed lead me exactly where I needed to go, from start to finish.
First I awoke early this morning from a very bizarre lucid dream, a dream leaving me feeling deep confusion and doubt regarding issues of sexuality.
As I followed another woman’s process, taking me deep into the feminine realm of Mother Earth energies, deep fear and pain provided a powerful clue into the chains of sexual guilt and shame that shackle me.
With Keith’s guidance, I discovered that psychic blocks were implanted into me by loving and well-intentioned adults – blocks designed to manipulate and control the sexual energies. The act of exploring these blocks unearthed deep emotional release and productive discussions regarding fixing energy.
Then, a deeper journey into these subtle psychic chains brought great freedom and release along with new insights into budding magical abilities related to psychic surgery.
Further following the metaphors, I came full circle with my little girl as we again experimented with empathic abilities – a process that uncovered deep fears that openness equals vulnerability – fears that were soon replaced with loving peace and trust.
Yes, it seems that another beautiful orchestrated symphony of guidance has indeed held my hand throughout the day today, guiding me step by step with amazing clarity.
It seems that each day is now an amazing adventure – a delightful treasure hunt.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved