I find it hard to believe that it is already the twenty-eighth day of April. Another month has nearly slipped through my grasp – a month that seems like both a mere instant and an entire lifetime.
The increasing depth of each experience on Keith’s magical porch is beginning to astound me. “Surely I must be close to the bottom,” I ponder after every ceremony, only to be surprised a day or two later by another profound journey into the unknown depths of past emotional blockages.
The orchestrated symphony of healing is undeniable – a symphony that in the past two chocolate ceremonies has brought great understanding into issues of implanted confusion in my right-brain and psychically blocked lower chakra energies. Yes, I am indeed beginning to hope that perhaps the long-blocked higher energies might once again flow unobstructed.
Eagle Eyes
As I awaken on this beautiful Thursday morning, mild pleasurable energy vibrations flood my body, accompanied by a sensation of increased clearing and healing.
I watch the clock, eagerly anticipating mid-day, filling the delightful morning with meditation, reading and Spanish study. The chocolate ceremony cannot begin soon enough.
“I still have a mild headache in the lower forehead and there are more emotional densities churning in my solar plexus.” I tell Keith when he checks in with me. “But I am very encouraged by the increasing flow of energies in my upper body.”
“Go with the increased energy from your heart up.” Keith gives me a clue as to where to begin my process.
With eagle-like observation, I alertly study everything going on around me, both inside and out. Stepping into my head, I meditatively search for clues as to why my third-eye chakra remains blocked. As I do so, one thought becomes quite obvious.
“It is me that is responsible for the impenetrable energy wall in my forehead.” I ponder knowingly. “This is not something that was done to me – it is something I did to myself as a child.”
Yet I remain totally confused as to why I would continue subconscious rejection of the divine flow after all my emotional growth. Sought-after metaphors and insights seem well beyond my grasp.
Fears Of Rejection
Suddenly, intuitions guide me to a new train of thought. Memories flood my mind, memories of how I have always tended to be a people pleaser – deeply concerned with fears about what others might be thinking – always tempted to sacrifice my feelings in an attempt to win the approval of loved ones.
A lifelong transgender journey has unavoidably forced me into facing many of these intense approval-fears head-on – requiring me to access deep courage in order to move forward. The only other alternative would have been to simply curl up and die a slow and painful emotional death.
I stare into the eyes of similar fears with my present-day path. Surely, what I am doing must seem quite “out there” in the eyes of many people, especially to family and some religiously conservative friends. In fact, much of what I have embraced in the past year will most certainly appear evil and satanic to many loved ones back home – loved ones who have been taught that such higher energies surely originate from that deceptive Devil himself.
But as I have realized countless times before, I recognize that the only real choice I have is to follow my heart, regardless of what others may think of me.
“Is this ongoing fear of disapproval – fear of expressing my true self – related to the continued energy blocks in my third-eye?” I begin to ponder.
Out Of The Box
There is a new gentleman on the porch today who serves me greatly in this area. I don’t know him, but I intuitively sense that any emotional processing I do might seem quite bizarre and strange to him.
“Can I really be myself on the porch today?” I question briefly, fearing that this man might be uncomfortable or perhaps even judge me for being so ‘out-of-the-box’.
A Light Cannon
I try to speak to this protective voice in my head, thanking it for keeping me safe throughout my life, for keeping me inside the box during periods where the societal structure was my only safe place for growth and survival. I express love and gratitude to this voice, while simultaneously begging it to relax just a little.
“Please, can’t you just allow a little bit of energy to flow in my third-eye?” I meditatively implore this voice. “Can’t we just see what happens with a tiny bit of energy?”
As I explain to Keith what I am doing, I tell him that I am rapidly reaching a point where I just want to try to force the blocks to open up.
“Whoa,” Keith immediately warns, “don’t push it too fast … this voice is a scared puppy … don’t push the scared puppy.”
I know Keith is correct. Pushing will only create more fear and chaos in my head. Rather than blasting this blockage with light cannons, I need to explore it, to develop a loving partnership with it, to embrace it with love. Yet I continue to struggle. What appears like another dead-end seems to laugh in my face. I have no idea how to proceed.
“Focus on the wand in your head.” Keith casually tosses me a new clue.
Blocked Expression
I forget Keith’s clue when I begin to listen to Serg. As he discusses his own process his words intuitively draw me closer. Serg talks about an energetic block in the receptive side (feminine) of his third-eye, a spot at the top of the neck just below the hard part of the skull.
A flash of insight floods my mind.
“Right now I am feeling a very strong flow of energy at the back of my skull at the receptive side of my third-eye.” I ponder excitedly. “The energies are freely flowing up my back from that little girl in my solar plexus, vibrating pleasurably at the back of my head – but those energies are not being allowed to express themselves through the front (masculine side) of my third-eye.”
“I am connected on the inside.” I further simplify, “but something inside of me is shutting down the outward expression of the third-eye.”
Overflowing Vaults
As these insights flash through my mind, deep emotional pain simultaneously surges in my lower chakras. After the initial shock, I allow myself to fully sink into these severely suppressed emotions – painful emotions saturated by the agony of not having been able to outwardly express the feminine and creative side of my soul – of having felt so deeply shutdown and hopelessly lost – of having to be an actress, pretending I was a happy young man while experiencing profound inner torture.
I am suddenly clear that my second and third chakras continue to be clogged by huge vaults of such painful emotional density – pain that is now surfacing and begging for emotional release.
Wand Dipping
Tears start to stream down dripping-wet cheeks as I quietly lower my head and begin to painfully sob – attempting to do so with minimal volume and fanfare. My jaw and belly both shake uncontrollably as I further surrender into the pain, determined to feel it to the bottom. At least twenty minutes pass as I venture ever deeper into this agonizing outburst.
As the emotions settle, I briefly interrupt Keith, who is working with someone across the porch.
“Can you please help me Keith,” I beg after briefly filling him in on my journey.
“I let go of some of the emotion but I know that there is much more where that came from.” I appeal for answers. “Is it possible to somehow involve the light to assist with the rest, or do I need to continue crying it out?”
“Try dipping your wand into the density and wave it around to release bubbles.” Keith gives me unexpected guidance, reminding me of his prior clue about using the wand.
Angels With Buckets
“There is a lot of intense emotion buried in here.” I tell Keith with a feeling of helplessness after having tried to follow his advice for a few minutes.
“I’m having a lot of trouble with the bubble idea.” I add with frustration.
“The word ‘pressure’ comes to me.” Keith again throws out another intuitive clue.
“Yeah,” I respond with surprise. “The pressure of the bottled up emotion is so great that I feel as if it will explode if it is not released.”
“Brenda,” Keith gives me a new direction, “bring in the angels with buckets and see what happens.”
Waves of Emotion And Doubt
As I visualize a giggling crew of angels eagerly entering my abdomen to clean out the pressurized density with buckets, another layer of intense emotion and fear first surges to the surface.
After a few more minutes of body shaking and tear-covered cheeks, I again return to the world of higher energies.
As I ask Higher Self to direct the angels, and as I imagine them resuming their task of loving service, another level of emotional release again overwhelms me. There is so much pressure in these painfully repressed emotions that they are on the edge of exploding like a volcano blowing its top.
“Will this work?” I ponder apprehensively to myself as I again visualize the joyful angels at work. “What if they spill … how long will it take?”
Doubts and tearful emotions again attempt to overwhelm me, but I somehow manage to maintain emotional composure – finally feeling as if the first bucket of yucky emotion has been removed and lovingly transmuted by my little angelic helpers.
Faster Please
The process actually becomes fun as I sense the eager-angels continuously removing bucket after bucket of what feels like an endless supply of pressurized emotional pain.
“This is too slow.” I silently exclaim as I recognize that this process could take forever at its current pace.
Fire Hose Fun
Remembering previous meditative journeys, I soon ask the angels to hook up a fire hose to my abdomen. Soon, I feel an energy flow leaving my body while intuitively sensing it spilling out into my once-fearsome bottomless pit – again transmuting into light as it flows to the depths of Mother Earth below. Gradually I feel the flow stabilize and increase in speed.
“Please widen the hose and take it to maximum flow,” I ask the angels, “at least to the maximum that I am capable of handling.”
The energy flows continuously out of the upper area of my solar plexus, flowing out into the space in front of me before sinking down into the ground.
Intuitively, after working in complete silence for nearly two hours, I begin to sense that the pressurized emotional tank is almost empty – but then something else tells me strongly, “This is not the only tank.”
Tanks, Tanks, And More Tanks
Seconds later, I meditatively poke my wand into a second huge tank, hook up the metaphorical fire hose, and enjoy another powerful round of energy flow. This time, I completely empty the tank in about ten minutes.
Intuitively I poke my wand into a third tank and repeat the process. Suddenly, another round of insight floods my consciousness.
“Each tank represents a separate year of your life.” The little Jedi voices whisper inside.
As I quickly recognize the first three tanks as being ages ten, eleven, and twelve, I proceed to sequentially increase the age with each metaphorical tank, each moving more rapidly than the previous, allowing intuition to tell me whenever it is time to switch to the next tank.
Once I reach age twenty, I process one tank for each remaining decade in my life. Then I return and release the first ten years of my life before processing yet another tank for past lives, and one more for future lives. Eager to not miss a thing, I hook up that fire hose to anything that my intuition brings forward.
Finally, the flow seems to come to a stop. Strong inner knowing tells me that this phase of my process is now complete for today – yet I intuitively leave the metaphorical fire hose in place at the top of my solar plexus.
Finding Love
“It is time to go back and talk to that voice in your head.” The Jedi whispers again speak.
Immediately I remember that forgotten voice – that voice that would not allow a genuine expression of my true self during the majority of my life, causing me to fear the opinions of others, seeking to win their love and approval – that same voice that continues to block my third-eye today.
“Thank you,” I genuinely tell the voice – a voice that I now recognize always had my best interest at heart.
“Thank you for protecting me during periods of my life when true self-expression would have created huge problems for me.” I continue pondering. “Thank you for keeping those parts of me safely hidden during a time when expressing them would have resulted in serious rejection and inner scars, possibly much worse.”
For an extended period I engage in an internal dialog with this part of me – expressing genuine love, gratitude, empathy, and compassion for how it has served me.
An Internal Empath
Almost continuously throughout this process of reconciliation, powerful bursts of emotion find their way to the surface.
A painful jab of self-anger materializes deep in my second chakra. I quickly send it through the hose to the angels. The pain disappears, leaving my tummy quite peaceful.
A stint of sadness sticks its head up to say ‘hi’. Fear, loneliness, and resentment soon stop by for a quick visit. Anger, terror and fear eventually come for tea. With each emotional visitor, I simultaneously experience a sharp pain somewhere in my abdomen – a pain that is quickly hugged, thanked, and released into the waiting fire hose.
I am deeply amazed at how each of these emotions first surfaces as a painful spot in my tummy, immediately followed by the strong intuitive knowing about where that pain originates and what it represents.
“This is cool!” I think to myself excitedly. “I am being an empath for that voice in my head and it is actually working. First I feel the pain in my abdomen, then I intuitively understand exactly what it is about, and finally I send the emotional density on to the angels for transmutation.”
More Internal Practice
Eventually I feel as if this inner voice and I have reached a basic level of trust and understanding – yet I intuitively recognize the voice is not yet ready to release its restrictive grip on the channel that will allow full expression via my third-eye chakra. This metaphorical energy is still quite nervous and resistant, and I agree not to push it, allowing it to have all the time that it needs.
Suddenly, a new round of painful emotion consumes my abdomen.
“This is the fear about the responsibilities of new magic and of embracing the inner empath in me.” Intuitions strongly whisper.
As I immediately release all of this fear into the fire hose, it melts away and the sharp twinge of pain disappears.
For the next fifteen minutes, I experience many frequent pokes of such pain and fear. With each, I intuitively understand what it is about and then simply release it.
On My Own
This amazing Thursday afternoon ceremony has been quite powerful – another treasure hunt of intuitive threads involving many metaphors and intuitions combined with a few clues from Keith. But for the most part, I have ventured on this journey with minimal physical assistance, relying almost entirely on internal guidance – a combination of inner knowing and inspired feelings.
Integrating Insights
As the porch empties just before sundown, only Serg, Keith and I remain. Serg quickly engages me in an hour-long discussion, picking my brain for insights that might assist him in his own deep process.
I am honored by the opportunity, and recognize that the conversation also greatly assists me in integrating my own understanding. It never ceases to amaze me how the process of describing something in words helps me to understand the concept myself in a much more profound manner. As I talk with my friend, I feel as if I am actually giving advice and providing clarity to myself.
As Serg and I finish our conversation, Keith offers to walk me home due to the fact that a very dark night has now consumed the remote neighborhood.
“That was another amazing day,” Keith congratulates me, “and you did it mostly yourself, trusting your own inner process.”
“I really enjoyed overhearing you talk to Serg.” Keith adds with a smile. “You really are beginning to understand this stuff quite well.”
My heart swells with joy as I internalize Keith’s beautiful feedback.
Forgotten Meditation
Late Thursday evening, I get a clear internal nudge reminding me that I haven’t engaged in a Mer-Ka-Ba meditation for a very long time. The Mer-Ka-Ba meditation comes from Sacred Geometry and the teachings of Drunvalo Melchizedek – something that entered my life last summer during the Sun Course. I first experimented with the meditation in late October at the end of a two-month holistic healing course with Nadia.
As I progress through the final stages of breathing and visualization as outlined by the complicated and structured meditation, I am astounded by the powerful energy flow that soon consumes my body. Prior to this moment, I have never had such a profound experience with this particular meditation.
I feel quite dizzy and wobbly as I immerse myself into the beautiful and pleasurable energies that swirl around me.
Intuitively, I realize that I am being given another brief glimpse into the types of energy experience that I can look forward to in the future. I deeply relish and enjoy the beautiful energy while it lasts in the present – feeling extremely grateful for the little rewards that keep me motivated after a long and difficult emotional process.
An Ongoing Mystery
As I finally drift off to sleep, I ponder what I have learned today about this mysterious little voice that continues to block expression via my third eye.
I have not yet fully uncovered the identity of this evasive little energy, but I am excited to follow the clue-filled threads, knowing that all will unveil itself exactly in its time, at exactly the right moment in the ongoing symphony of my healing journey.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved