Brenda's Bicycles

Energetic Understandings 

As I awaken on Sunday morning, the first day of May, I am completely non-functional. The pain in my left shoulder blade remains intense, and the energy flow in my body is stagnant, as if it is non-existent. 

Still being unable to focus on writing, I contemplate the possibility of reading, but something inside refuses to even entertain that thought – it would require too much concentration. 

“I’ll just listen to some music then.” I think to myself. 

When I grab my IPOD, I am shocked to discover that the battery is so dead that it will not even turn on.  

“I guess I’m not supposed to listen to music this morning.” I chuckle numbly, recognizing that everything happens for a reason. 

As I attempt to meditate, I experience nothing but a feeling of deadness and hopelessness. I spend the entire morning in this funk, devoid of motivation, empty inside, feeling the futility of a grieving little girl who felt forced to commit energetic suicide so very long ago. Yes, it seems that my heart is indeed broken. 

Painful Contemplations 

As I slowly and numbly sit down on an overstuffed pillow before the afternoon chocolate ceremony, I beg Higher Self for some type of relief or understanding. 

“I don’t know how much more of this painful grieving that I can handle.” I think to myself in desperation. 

Just before the start of ceremony, I briefly explain to Keith exactly where I am at – but he offers neither advice nor guidance, simply acknowledging that I am in the middle of profound growth. 

For the next four hours, I flounder in a disconnected state of pain and shutdown. Keith literally leaves me alone to figure this one out by myself. There is no doubt that he is constantly monitoring my progress – but his guidance seems to be telling him that this is a process of self-discovery through which I must pass on my own. I understand and recognize the wisdom in this inner knowing. 

During these long hours of agonizing struggle, I sink deeper and deeper into emotional pain – far more intensely than even yesterday. My eyes are red and swollen, and the grey hair around my face becomes moist and snarled as I collapse forward in wave after wave of gut-wrenching sobs. Piles of wet and scrunched up tissue litter the floor beside me, growing thicker by the minute. 

At one point I overhear Keith tell a few of the new people about what I am doing. His words of loving support, even though not directed to me, provide deep comfort and allow me to further embrace my painful process. To others on the porch, I must appear to be an emotional basket-case. They probably think I am close to being carted off and locked up in an insane asylum. 

I am lost in the depths of pain – the pain of a frightened and lonely three year old child – a child faced with the stark reality of committing energetic suicide, experiencing the same hopelessness, futility, terror, and sadness into which I regressed yesterday – but the emotional pain seems greatly magnified to even more intense levels. 

The profound physical pain in my left shoulder blade only adds to the sense of despair that seems to encourage me to collapse and just give up. 

Unsolvable Riddles 

Several times during these excruciatingly difficult hours, I reach out for assistance.

“Keith,” I beg in desperation, “Is there anything you can say or do to help me with this agonizing process?” 

I am so deeply engrossed in the pain and confusion that Keith’s answers seem like hopelessly unsolvable riddles – giving me absolutely no help whatsoever. Keith’s answers fall on deaf ears, slipping through my mind as if they had never been spoken. My state of helpless confusion will simply not allow me to focus or concentrate. 

And I continue to spiral ever deeper. 

A Timely Interruption 

By around 4:30 p.m., only Serg and I remain on the porch with Keith. I continue to wallow in profoundly agonizing emotional and physical pain – and I continue to grapple with the meditative process all by myself. 

Just as I believe that maybe he might now turn to focus on me – to help me find resolution or clarity in my process – Keith is unexpectedly interrupted by a beautiful couple who show up at his gate with a desire to know more about what he does. 

For the next thirty minutes, Keith talks to this couple as if Serg and I are not even present on the porch. Both of us continue to grapple solo with our own individual emotional journeys. 

A whiny part of me begins to feel quite annoyed, crying out that I am a victim, pointing fingers at Keith for callously abandoning me in my deepest of struggles. 

But a beautifully empowered part of me knows better, beginning to lightly tap me on the shoulder with intuitive whispers. 

“Hello, Brenda. Are you there?” The Jedi voices call out to me. “Remember how every time that some bizarre interruption happens here on the porch that it always serves you in a powerful way?” 

“Remember how such interruptions always lead you back to a profound realization that you, yourself, are creating your reality?” 

“Well I have news for you,” the intuitive whispers continue, “you, yourself, are creating this interruption?”  

For Me To Solve 

“Yes indeed, this interruption is my creation.” I ponder with confusion. “Now why did I create this? What could I possibly gain from such a feeling of abandonment?” 

“Why would I want people to come to the porch in the middle of my deepest and darkest pain,” I further ponder, “distracting Keith from helping me?” 

I almost laugh at the absurdity of this question, given the fact that I have received no help now for over four excruciating emotional-release-filled hours. Why would another thirty minutes matter in the least? 

I fully understand why Keith has left me alone … he trusts me … he knows that I know what I am doing … he knows that there is nothing he can add to my process right now … he knows that this one is for me to solve. 

The Bigger Scheme 

Chaos begins to consume me as I wrestle with the paradox of illusory reality. I briefly start to feel bombarded by old and familiar energies of confusion. But I resist that trap. I will not slip further into ego. 

“I am watching The Muppet Show!” A flash of insight suddenly interrupts my thoughts, powerfully flooding my consciousness. 

“This entire scene today on Keith’s porch is one huge stage play.” I ponder with power. “None of it, and I mean NONE of it, is to be taken seriously.” 

“Today I am an actress on the stage of The Muppet Show – my emotions are all part of this stage play – and it has all been created and performed for my learning and understanding.” 

“None of these emotions define me now … it is all just experience in the bigger scheme of things.” I ponder. 

A Higher Perspective 

“Yes,” I ponder with deep clarity, “regressing today into the overwhelming emotions of my dear three-year-old self has been a profound and necessary learning experience.” 

“But I have now gone deep enough.” The realizations flow faster. “It is time to remember that what I am feeling is only the past – that the past is only a dream – that I have now experienced that painful illusory memory to the very core.” 

“It is time to raise myself back to a higher vibration,” I gather my determination. “It is time to wake up from this past dream and bring myself back to the present so that I can see it all from a much higher perspective – a perspective of unconditional love and divine connection.” 

Return To Peace 

As I attempt to break free, to wake up and return to the present, the painful reality of that little child hangs on with scratching fingernails. I continue to occupy the emotions of that tiny child, profoundly experiencing the perceived victimization of this helpless young toddler. 

Part of me viciously demands that I must remain in that excruciating reality, insisting that I have to relive and re-experience the pain until some type of magical intervention first heals me. 

I waffle back and forth, struggling to wake up with empowerment then slipping back into painful hopelessness. Those deep and dark emotional densities seem to wrap huge chains around me, pulling me ever downward. 

At last, after about thirty minutes of tug-of-war, I begin to experience the beautiful vibration of light, love, and higher energies flooding my body. I continue to feel the nightmare pulling me back, but I am almost free, finally beginning to feel the peace and hope. 

A Treasure Chest 

Suddenly, Keith interrupts his long and meandering off-topic discussion with the young couple – the ones who had interrupted the ceremony. 

“Do you two want to join us in the high vibration energy here on the porch?” Keith asks the couple. 

It becomes quite clear that Keith has been following my energy all along. The very moment that I begin to return to a higher state, he responds on cue. As our two new guests position themselves across the porch, they both comment on how much energy they feel flowing around them. 

While this goes on, I continue to build strength as I focus on fully waking up from the lucid nightmare. I further ponder about the symbolisms of the movie “Inception”, imagining myself in the process of being “pushed” – of being suddenly woken up from a dream within a dream. 

At last I feel as if what minutes-ago was painful agony is now nothing but a profound memory – a memory that brings with it an overflowing treasure-chest of understanding – understanding that could not have been acquired in any other way. 

I have gone exactly where I needed to go, and now I am back. 

Gratitude again fills my heart; Regrets are nonexistent. 

Energetic Disappointment 

I am finally wide awake in the present-day dream, done with victimization, feeling the light flowing through me once more. 

But the physical pain – the intense pain in my upper back, lower neck area, and my left shoulder blade – continues to relentlessly persist. My new profound levels of understanding are giving me no physical relief, no release from the intense body agony. 

“Keith,” I beg. “After having spent two days uncovering and processing all of this emotional pain, do you think it would now be appropriate to do a physical manipulation on my back?” 

“Yes,” Keith smiles after checking in with his internal guidance. 

When I lie face-down on a double layer of foam cushions, Keith carefully pops the vertebrae of my lower back, releasing a loud popping/crunching sound as he does so – but it is not the lower back that hurts. 

As Keith does the same on the upper back, nothing happens – no popping whatsoever. There is no relief to be found. 

“Sorry Brenda,” Keith shares after again checking with higher energies. “The rest of the pain is still energetic.” 

“There will be no more physical manipulation,” Keith adds to my disappointment and dismay. “You need to work it out energetically.” 

Work Together 

“My right shoulder is still hurting too.” Serg reminds Keith just a moment later. 

I continue to be blown away as Serg’s ongoing journey mirrors my own in an uncanny way. It seems that whenever I go into any deep emotional process, Serg launches into an almost identical one – in his own way of course. 

“You two need to work together on this.” Keith surprises me. 

Magical Hands 

Serg skillfully guides me into the same meditation that the two of us practiced together for the first time, just last week – the same one in which I invite masculine energy from the Father above, envisioning it flowing down into my crown and along the outside front of my body. Gradually, the energy penetrates through each of my chakras, filtering toward the back of my body where it joins a flow of feminine energy from Mother Earth – a flow that returns up my spine toward the crown. 

“Allow the father energy to flow into your field.” Serg guides me. “Allow the compassion energies to fill you. Then relax and allow the mother to love you …” 

Gradually the energies begin to flow, soon reaching levels where I feel them with physical senses. I seem to be guiding the flow of energy using my will. The energies move slowly as I experience their gentle pressure and tingling presence. 

Over time, I feel the energies pooling at the sight of my pain in the shoulders and spine. Using the love of my heart and the power of my solar plexus, I begin to pull the energy upward. I cannot explain how I do it, or even why I know that I can do it, I just do it. Using some type of magical inner hands, I grab the energy, pushing, pulling and nudging, urging the energy to move, to rise up into my neck. 

Astounded 

As I do so, I feel small blobs of the excruciating pain in my shoulder blade begin to move into my spine and upward toward the neck. Very quickly, I experience a severe painful clogging in the back of my neck. An image pops into my mind, as if my spinal column is a long skinny pipe, with the drain being at the top of my crown. But the pipe is deeply clogged with stagnant, stuck, and persistent blockages all along the way. 

As the pain reaches the back-center of my neck, it is excruciatingly stuck, like a pressurized hose plugged with mud. The pain in my neck desperately wants to move up, but is incapable of moving beyond the mud. 

Calling in my little girl’s help, grabbing my wand, and using all the unseen inner magic I can imagine, I push and pull on that clog. Gradually I feel it move up an inch. When I momentarily breathe, I feel it begin to slip back down. Again, I make another intense will-power push, feeling the clogged pain slide another inch or two upward, reaching the upper neck, just below the skull. 

For fifteen or twenty minutes, I struggle with this initial clog, gradually coaxing the painful energy upward. Once it enters the back of my skull, I engage an imaginary-but-intuitively-felt beacon that seems to emanate from the center of my head. I aim the beacon at the clog and pull the beacon up, gradually convincing the clog to flow upward. In tiny movements, I coax the painful blob along the center-line of my head, up the back of my skull and around the curve, finally flowing easily from that point until it quickly exits the center of my crown. 

I am astounded by what I am doing. I actually feel the pain moving, literally leaving my body. 

Divine Drain Cleaner 

I have no idea what I am doing, but it is amazing. I return focus back to my upper shoulders and repeat the process, moving clog after clog, over and over again for nearly an hour. Each clog requires great heart-focus and mind-concentration, taking with it a small chunk of what I had believed to be physical body pain. Gradually the pain in my shoulder diminishes as the energy begins to flow more freely in my body. 

It is like the pain in my shoulder and spine is nothing but stuck heavy waste that is being dissolved and released with the assistance of a divine form of drain cleaner. 

A Resistant Heart 

As my shoulder pain begins to reduce, another area of my body demands my immediate attention. It seems that I am now experiencing a new and painful tightness in the front of my heart chakra.  

Remembering that pain is resistance, I wonder what it is that I am still resisting. 

“It must be the masculine energy coming down from above.” I intuitively ponder as I think about my life-long quarrel with the realm of rejected masculine force. 

“My heart is clenched and terrified at the thought of allowing more of this masculine flow.” The inner voices whisper. 

Lovingly, I focus on relaxing my heart – relaxing my entire chest cavity – attempting to coax my heart into conscious surrendering – to allow myself to be penetrated by an energy that apparently still stirs up great terror in my soul. 

Circle Of Pain 

Minutes later, after first experiencing what I can only describe as a tug-of-war battle of yes-no-yes-no resistance in my heart, I suddenly feel an intense sensation of relaxation in my chest cavity – a relaxation that also spreads instantly into my shoulders. 

With the increased relaxation, I again resume the process of moving blobs of pain from my shoulder, nudging them up my neck, pushing them past clogs, and releasing them from the top of my head. 

About ten minutes later, an intense small circle of pain manifests itself, right at the very center of my heart.  

A Pain-Free Flow 

Using logic, I begin to use my will to pull this pain from the front of my heart, back to the spine, and then merge it with the flow of pain still leaving my shoulder. But as I do so, the increased painful energy tightly clogs in my neck, so tightly that intense effort is required to slowly move the painful blobs up, around the curve of my skull, and out the top. The work becomes slow and horrendously tedious. 

“Something is not working.” I think to myself as I again focus inward, calling in Higher Self to assist – to give me more guidance. 

Soon I feel guided to hook up an imaginary fire hose to the front of my heart, instructing the new pain in my heart to leave in a different channel – flowing directly to the front rather than attempting to cycle it around through the back of my body. After about ten minutes, I stabilize what are now two amazing flows of painful energy – putting them both mostly on autopilot. 

While the pain continues to hurt, I feel it literally moving and leaving my body. I love the experience. Over time, I gradually ask the higher energies to increase the flows to maximum speed – greatly reducing the time and effort on my part. 

Consuming Excitement 

For another hour and a half, I sit silently in meditation working with the energies while they gradually empty what feels like a huge reservoir of yucky, dirty emotional density – density that has caused real physical pain – pain that I feel moving in amazing ways. 

I am blown away by the amount of energy that continues to flow – by the profound volume of previously-unknown emotional pain that has continued to be stored inside of me. 

Gradually, I experience pleasurable and light-filled clarity in my chest.  When I finally end the process at shortly after 8:00 p.m., my back is alive with vibrant flowing energy, and I am literally pain free – except for the occasional residual sharp twinges that make themselves known before quickly flowing up and out. 

Excitement consumes my soul as I ponder the profound significance of what is happening to me. 

New Perceptions 

For a short while, I engage both Serg and Keith in a giggly conversation about the unbelievable sensations and insights that are filling my conscious awareness. I am overwhelmed with joyful delight by insights about how all of my physical pain is nothing but energy that can be magically moved and released (once the lessons have been learned of course). 

While I talk, I continue to feel the occasional painful blob suddenly surface – a little residual chunk of density that momentarily gets stuck in my neck as it works its way up and out my crown. 

Intuitions tell me that these little blobs are letting me know that I am not yet done, but that I have experienced an amazing and life-changing process – a process that gives me an entirely new and undeniable perception of so-called reality. 

Confirmed Theory 

Before leaving for home, I engage Keith in a quick conversation regarding my theory that the emotional pains in my left shoulder blade had originated from the pools of pain that were left sitting in my heart as I fell asleep late on Friday evening. During the night, the unreleased emotional pain had settled downward, directly below the heart, taking up new residence in the shoulder blade. 

I am delighted as Keith confirms that my theory makes a great deal of sense.  

“From now on,” I think to myself, “I will pay much closer attention to the little unreleased emotional densities that I continue to play with in my body.” 

Fostering Trust 

As I slowly stroll home in the dark, a few additional densities dance around in my back and shoulders. But the energy in my body is flowing so beautifully that these painful energies easily flow with it, quickly exiting my body and leaving me in peace. 

It is nearly 9:20 p.m. when I finally finish my notes and consume a quick bowl of rice and beans. 

I am excited, energized, and eager to lie down in bed so I can quickly resume the profound meditation. I love basking in the flow of these vibrant life-force energies. As I observe what is happening to me, occasional waves of little prickly pains continue to surface. When they do, I consciously direct these pains into the flow, lovingly sending them out of my body and on their way to transmutation. 

As the night grows late, I become tired and weary, choosing to end my meditation, even though I know that I am not done. I am desperate for sleep and trust that if more energy settles and causes me pain tomorrow, that it too will be movable via meditation – and that such an experience will simply foster additional growth and trust in the process. 

Undeniable Insights 

As I finally drift off to sleep on this beautiful Sunday evening, I briefly reflect on what has turned out to be a powerful and amazing day – a day bringing profound understanding into the intense heartache that would drive a desperate little child to commit energetic suicide – a day bringing unbelievable and undeniable insight into the energetic nature of what we call our physical body. 

The manner in which I see emotions and energy will never be the same. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved