Brenda's Bicycles

Early-morning horizontal-meditations seem to be quickly becoming the norm. At 4:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning I find myself lying in bed, wide awake, pondering the angry-preacher meditation that had consumed me just last night.  

“How could that ugly self-righteous preacher still be living inside of my solar plexus?” I ponder with intense frustration. 

Freedom From Guilt 

I begin to deeply explore the guilt-based sexual repression that still seems to subconsciously dominate certain areas of my life – sexual repression that is beautifully illustrated by the angry-preacher metaphor. 

“I am not seeking sexual permissiveness and one-night stands.” I speak back to that judgmental preacher, “I just want the dogmatic, extreme-guilt-inducing voice removed from my soul. I just want permission to be happy and normal in sexual intimacy without the guilt – without the preacher voice raging silently in my abdomen, shutting me down at every turn with pain, anxiety, fear.” 

Not-So-Consciously Processing 

Physical exhaustion continues to tug at me as I finally get up, drop off laundry, take notes, and attempt to further meditate. Most of the morning quickly disappears into a long nap intermingled with the occasional conscious meditative thought. I am constantly processing, but not-so-consciously processing – doing much of the work in a semi-dream state.  

Unsolicited Guidance 

“Brenda, I want you to consciously connect to the higher energies and consciousness.” Keith quickly guides me as the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway. 

Getting such immediate and unsolicited guidance from Keith has been quite rare as of late – causing me to pay close attention. 

“Keith would not volunteer such quick advice,” I ponder to myself, “unless it was coming from a higher source – unless it was really important.” 

Powerful Present Moments 

Almost immediately I feel the familiar lightness of a tingling energy that mildly vibrates at the tip of my crown – like a little straw of cool fresh air gently flowing into my head. 

As I focus on being present, the sounds begin to draw me in. I am obsessed with the variety of noises and sensations – the gentle breeze, the birds chirping, boats navigating, dogs barking, and children laughing in a nearby yard. Every sound seems important. I begin to experience it all as my own creation. 

“I wonder what it is for?” I ponder each sound or sensation. “Why did I create it? And what can I learn from it?” 

Dreams Within Dreams 

I clearly recognize that I am in a dream, still asleep while creating everything around me – but part of me still fights the concept, attempting to deny it. I have begun to wake up, but am not fully lucid enough to consciously interact with the creation process – at least I don’t believe that I am. 

As I further connect to the higher energies, I begin to feel as if the top portion of my head has vibrated away into the cosmos above. Something is trying to wake me up – to pull me from this physical dream that I call reality – to give me another glimpse into who I really am. 

Memories of Sunday paint a powerful picture – an image of me deeply regressed into the painful emotions of a three-year-old child as she faced the gut-wrenching choice of needing to commit energetic suicide. I had nearly gotten lost in that nested dream – that nested pseudo-reality of intense consuming emotion. But with conscious effort I was finally able to pull myself back to the present day. 

But I clearly recognize that, even now, I continue to be caught-up in a higher dream, one that is no more real that what happened to me just three days ago. I want to wake up. I want to return to an even higher vibration state where I can see an ever bigger picture with loving clarity. 

The Right Time 

“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts my process, “what you feel in your crown is what you will eventually begin to think of as the real you.” 

Keith goes on to explain that my old thought patterns and beliefs, my old ways of thinking, will no longer define my identity – that this evolving energy connection is rapidly beginning to show me who I really am. 

Keith’s words only encourage me to further surrender to the process. I am deeply anxious to receive whatever the higher energies might show me next – but I also trust that everything will show up at exactly the right time. 

A Frantic Assault 

As I further immerse myself into the present, distractions begin to consume me, first manifesting as an intense feeling of confusion in and around the area of my third-eye chakra, right at the center of my forehead. The confusion is intensely overwhelming, attempting to suck me back into old patterns of simply throwing up my hands and giving up – believing that my path is being blocked – that further progress is hopeless. 

As I continue paying attention to my body, I notice that my heart is beating extremely rapidly as feelings of fear and panic raise their familiar heads. The near-panic-attack is quite bizarre, given the state of peace that I continue to enjoy in my crown chakra. 

Next I notice a sharp pain beginning to manifest in my solar plexus. The pain demands my focus and attention, insisting that I stop what I am doing. 

I sit silently in this ongoing, mind-boggling, chaotic state of intense body confusion for the next couple of hours. Rather than judging what I am feeling as being wrong, I instead choose to simply observe what is happening – doing so from an impartial third-party point of view. 

 “This is quite interesting,” I ponder quietly. “Ego is throwing a huge tantrum. Something inside is doing everything possible in a futile and desperate attempt to distract me, to stop me, to pull me back into the energy-darkness that has been my life story.” 

“Hmmm,” I think to myself. “I must be getting close to something really big. Why else would ego be engaging in such a frantic assault?” 

Through this entire confusing assault, I continue to feel peaceful energy tingling and tickling at my crown, reminding me that all is well – that I continue to be connected to my divine source. 

The Observer Game

“Brenda, don’t try to suppress these thoughts.” I feel my observer-self quietly reassure me. “Embrace this bizarre confusion as part of your process. Don’t fight anything. Just keep observing.” 

Ego quickly realizes that I am clued in to its little game, so the attack on my meditation suddenly shifts to a new battlefield. 

Extreme sleepiness begins to flood my body. 

“I am sooooo tired,” the voices pretend to be me. “I cannot possibly continue. This is too hard. I absolutely have to get some rest. I am going to collapse if I don’t simply lie down right this very moment and take a siesta. I can finish this meditation later.” 

These sleep-inducing voices are very tempting, nearly convincing me to embrace their little end-run techniques, but another little voice reminds me that sleepiness is one of the tools in ego’s little bag of tricks. 

“I really must be close to something big.” The observer in me again smiles. 

Suddenly, the sleepiness disappears as the chaotic confusion returns. I feel like a ping pong match is taking place between the confusion, the panic, the fear, and the pain in my solar plexus. 

I love playing this “observer game.” It seems that ego is getting quite desperate. Through it all, my crown chakra continues to maintain a peaceful tingling connection to divine energies from above. 

Giving Up 

After several hours of this self-observation saga, Keith feels guided to come and work with me. I excitedly summarize my progress so far. 

“Brenda, this is exactly how you felt as a six-year-old.” Keith surprises me with his unexpected insights. “You were desperately attempting to hang on to the divine energies, but finally gave up in total desperation. You could no longer stay awake; you were fighting for your life but finally gave in to the overwhelming confusing energy trying to distract and shut you down.”

“Wow,” I exclaim, “This has been an amazing and personal recreation of exactly what I felt during that period of my life. I desperately attempted to maintain that divine connection in my crown – but the pounding bombardment of energy confusion finally won out, shutting me down, lulling me off to sleep. The battle was simply too hard and I could no longer resist.” 

“That is why I see such sadness when I stare into the eyes of my first grade photo.” I ponder out loud. 

Exactly What I Need 

“Keep working on that thought.” Keith advises me as he quickly moves on to work with someone else. “Just follow your own energy and see where it leads you.” 

Part of me wants to scream, “No, I need more of your time … more of your help.” But the empowered-me recognizes that what Keith has already given me is perfect, and that it is exactly what I need, nothing more. 

Time For A Voice 

As I continue meditating in a stream of amazing awakened clarity, my thoughts are eventually drawn back to the angry preacher, pounding his bible on the pulpit of my solar plexus, preaching self-righteous shame-filled condemnation to my little Bobby. 

I cannot find love for this ugly voice. I have tried, and continue to try, but each time I listen to his hate-filled message of judgment, thoughts of unconditional love become utterly impossible. 

As I ponder this profound process, my throat begins to unexpectedly choke up, launching me into a prolonged fit of extreme coughing. There is no physical reason as to why I should be choking. Intuitively, I know that my throat chakra is energetically showing me that I am not able to express – that it is time to allow this inner hatred to have a voice. 

As the coughing continues, my solar plexus flares up with extreme, unbearable pain, churning and bloating in a way that screams for release, for freedom to express. 

On To The Angels 

Finally, in desperation, I swallow my pride and decide that it is OK to make an embarrassing fool of myself in front of others, once again allowing myself to sink into painful, gut-wrenching, tear-filled, dramatic emotion – all for the self-humiliating entertainment of others. For some reason, I really don’t like to constantly cry on the porch. Ego insists that I should be beyond that stage – that I am now supposed to move all dense energies via the assistance of higher energies. 

Readjusting myself on my favorite overstuffed pillow, I get on my hands and knees, sink down to the ground, and rest my face on a small cushion. Soon, I grab another cushion and begin to punch with my fist. Keith quickly adds several more cushions in an effort to prevent me from hurting myself. 

“How DARE you do this to a child!” I scream quietly to that angry-preacher voice while pounding my fist firmly. 

“’F@%K You!’ for all of the hate-filled lies that you spewed on little Bobby!” I take the emotion up a notch, continuing to punch the pillows. 

For the next thirty minutes, I pound the pillow lightly while either thinking or verbally expressing an outpouring of anger for how that bible-banging preacher had filled my little boy’s heart with such ugly guilt and shame. 

Through it all, I continue to cough sporadically and uncontrollably. At one point I enter an extreme state of combined wheezing and sobbing, beginning to hyperventilate. The words soon cease as I simply sob, punch, and cough, interspersed with intense bouts of wheezing and additional hyperventilation. 

In wave after wave, intensely-experienced emotions work their way to the surface. At least for now, I choose to do what I trust – a dramatic, experiential emotional release that literally purges these formerly-unexpressed emotions, pushing them out of my body and out to the angels. 

Bringing In Light 

“Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts. “It is time to bring in some light now.” 

Recognizing the truth in Keith’s loving words, I allow myself to slow down, to begin catching my breath. A few minutes later I sit up on my pillow, close my eyes, and begin to focus on bringing in the light of unconditional love. 

Gradually, the higher energy vibrations consume my body. These anger-filled, hate-spewing emotions have been released, leaving additional room for more love to light up my soul. 

A Little Of The Same 

To my delight, it seems that my emotional honesty has greatly affected others in the group today. Nearly everyone on the porch works on deep issues surrounding their own childhood shutdowns. The ceremony around me becomes quite intense as others access their own emotions, sinking deeply into their processes. 

I fill with joy at the thought that my example of surrendering seems to give others the courage to try a little of the same. 

Divine Dreams 

As I lie in bed, early on Wednesday evening, I engage in quiet meditation while drifting toward sleep. To my delight, I am briefly reminded intuitively of something that Keith had shared during our quick visa-run to Mexico. 

“Brenda, what you are in the process of doing is the beginning stages of undoing the blocks that surround your heart chakra.” Keith had told me. 

As dreamland consumes me, I eagerly anticipate the thought of what it might actually be like when the blocks finally dissolve, allowing the divine energies to once again flow freely through my body. 

Meditative Mornings 

As I wake up on Thursday morning, I am overjoyed by the feeling of energy flowing around in my abdomen – more delightful energy than I remember ever feeling before. Yes, there are still little pains here and there, but they seem to be more specific and isolated. I love the feeling of light and open spaces that seem to be spreading in my tummy, and I eagerly look forward to more of the same. 

Today, May 5, will be the first Thursday in a very long time in which I will not be participating in a chocolate ceremony. I will miss the five-day-per-week sessions, but eagerly look forward to the shifts that are now unfolding in my life. For now, Sunday and Wednesday ceremonies will be absolutely perfect. 

As I jump out of bed, I am excited to begin a new venture with Keith. Since we are no longer doing daily chocolate ceremonies, he has offered to open up his magical porch every morning at 7:00 a.m. for a ninety minute meditation. It will not be anything guided, simply an opportunity to sit quietly in the shared energy while doing our own individual inner work.  

Resisting Release 

I begin meditation with a repeat of what happened yesterday during the ceremony, sensing a beautiful energy that dances and tickles me at the crown – but I soon begin to experience agitation in my third-eye and significant nausea in my tummy. 

This being a silent meditation and not an emotional-processing session – I am unsure as to how to proceed. Rather than bursting out into tearful release, I resist the urge, bottling up my feelings – yet I am profoundly aware that more emotions are begging for release.  

I Am That Voice 

Later, after returning home and quickly abandoning all attempts at writing, I opt instead to pursue this bottled emotion, eagerly re-entering the confusing meditation. 

Again I reconnect with the beautiful crown-chakra energies. Again I deeply experience the bottled up emotions that beg for expression. 

As the emotion surges, I allow myself to sob deeply, engaging in powerful emotional release – a release that again leads to profound coughing and deep pain. 

It seems that my abdomen is teeming with horrible self-hatred. The voice of that angry bible-banging preacher is now seated right on top of my heart, forcefully suffocating me. 

“I am that voice.” I exclaim to myself with shock. 

Hypocritical Projections 

Another deep round-of-tears bursts forth, as I allow myself to acknowledge this fact. Through much of my youth and young-adult life, I turned that judgmental voice outward. I rarely expressed the judgmental hatred verbally, but I felt it deeply. I was bigoted, deeply judgmental of the less-than-perfect behaviors of others, self-righteously preaching with a silent voice – all the while living a hypocritical life of actually being exactly what I hated. That angry preacher voice became deep self-hatred projected outward. Sobs again consume me as I sink deeper into the emotional clarity. 

Eventually I reach a point where the emotional expression feels complete. 

“Higher Self,” I beg, “please help me to transform these huge containers of self-hatred and judgment.” 

Deep Stinging Pain 

Little by little, ever so slowly at first, I begin inviting the energy of these hate-saturated emotions back into my heart, one by one. As each reaches my heart, I experience a physical sensation of deep stinging pain – pain that stimulates another burst of tearful release. 

Soon, I begin to bring up two blobs of emotional energy at a time, wondering if doing so might be attempting to push the river faster than it is prepared to flow. Gradually the process flows faster, with less pain. 

Finally, after a few hours of this focused, loving release, I break for lunch. I have made considerable progress and feel quite pleased with what I am doing.  

Energy Playing 

After lunch, I continue meditating, but take it in a new, more fun direction. I begin to play with that amazing little energy beacon in the center of my brain, the one I unexpectedly found quite useful on Sunday evening while moving emotional density from my neck to the crown. 

The delightful tingling flow that enters my crown seems to focus on the center of my brain – a spot that seems to be the very source of this beacon. I decide to try an experiment with the little energy beam to see if I can spread this energy flow around. 

In an exercise that feels like total imagination, I direct this little beacon to all areas of my brain. I delightfully discover that I seem to be able to aim it anywhere I want, with a full 360 degree range, in all directions, whether up, down, or sideways. 

Review Time 

While driving back from Mexico on Tuesday morning, Keith shared a handy meditation technique with me, guiding me to grab the hands of my Higher Self and little Sharon, following which I call a huge meeting in my inner conference room. All of the energy players in my body are invited to attend, whether they are metaphorical energies that I have already identified or perhaps energies that continue to lurk in the undiscovered darkness. 

After everyone gathers, I invite Higher Self to show them an instant replay movie of all the amazing growth through which we have recently passed. It is kind of a pep rally, reminding them of what we have already accomplished and encouraging them to get on board with more of the same. 

In the end, I thank them all for their cooperation – for their continued love and support – for sharing this journey with me – and for helping to move this profound healing process forward. 

A New Job 

As I reminisce on what I believed to be a powerful process on Tuesday, I again repeat the whole scenario as I review the most recent twelve hours with my inner energy players. I then engage that preacher voice in a short conversation, asking if he would like a new job. 

“Would you like to choose your job?” I ask him while reassuring him that he is not going to be laid off. 

“And what would be that choice?” I ask curiously. 

Soon I sense the answer. This beautiful little energy player would love to become a voice reminding me to love myself – a voice that will reside in my heart and third-eye chakras. 

As I ponder the amazing and ongoing energy shifts in my body, I sense more peace in my third-eye – but I continue to recognize it as being an area of severe shutdown. 

“I hope this new voice of self-love might be able to help me dissolve this wall of resistance.” I ponder. 

Movie Night 

Thursday afternoon and evening quickly evolves into much needed diversion. 

I had watched the movie “Chocolat” long ago, without resonating with the message at that time. Tonight, as I bask in the love, I giggle with delight while watching the movie through new eyes. It thrills me that the movie actually explores the magical qualities of pure, traditionally-processed Guatemalan cacao – while also exploring the silliness of our societal citizen factory. 

Sure, there are a few details about cacao that are slightly uninformed, but overall it is a great exploration into love and belief systems. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you might enjoy taking a look. 

After dinner, I delight in again watching the movie “Inception” – an amazing exploration into the nature of reality and lucid dreaming. Flashbulbs of intuition constantly stimulate me into new ideas and insights. 

What a fun way to begin winding down an intense cycle of beautiful growth – watching a delightful movie about the heart opening effects of yummy chocolate, followed by a grand adventure into the mind-boggling nature of illusive reality. 

Chipping Away 

Friday morning I wake up at 4:00 a.m., again feeling guided to enter directly into meditation. During the delightful hours that follow I experiment with more stuck energies while feeling the delightful sensation of bubbles tingling in my spine, magically carrying newly uncovered layers of painful emotional densities up the spine and out my crown. 

I love how my confidence continues to build. I love how these bubbling energies continue to chip away at layer after layer of emotional deposits that seem to clog my physical body. 

Pretending To Forget 

Before 7:00 a.m. meditation, Keith surprises me by indicating that he too watched the movie ‘Inception’ last night. In the short discussion that follows, I am surprised by a suggestion that Keith makes when I mention that we have forgotten that we are simply dreaming. 

“Brenda,” Keith interjects, “we are only pretending to have forgotten that we are dreaming.” 

“Huh?” I question curiously. 

I love Keith’s additional insight as he further explains. It seems that “forgetting that I am dreaming” brings with it a subtle implication that I am a victim of the dream, whereas “pretending that I have forgotten” puts me in the power seat. Yes, I do know that I am dreaming and creating this reality – but a strong part of me continues to attempt to deny that truth, this being the ego part that insists on being separate and alone. 

Symbolic Synchronicities 

As I engage in what turns out to be a great meditation, I again feel light entering my crown, accompanied by delightful playful bubbles dissolving densities in my body. 

But in the process I also recognize something else. My heart chakra continues to feel as if someone or something is sitting on it, restricting my heart, preventing me from fully breathing the divine life-force energies that I so desire. 

Another new metaphor flashes into my mind. There is literally a piece of energetic lead shielding the front of my third-eye chakra. It is impenetrable, not allowing any type of energy to flow through. When I further play with my inner beacon, I feel it move everywhere in my head, but when I aim it at my forehead I feel absolutely nothing. 

Then another realization knocks at my door. Portions of that angry preacher voice continue to remain in my field – that ugly self-hatred has not yet fully transmuted. 

As if cued up by the Universe, while morning meditation draws to an end, I overhear two familiar Mormon hymns wafting through the air, one after the other. The music seems to be originating from just a few properties away. 

“Are the religious voices of my past still sitting on my heart, filling my third-eye with lead, and preaching angry judgment at me?” I ponder. 

The synchronicities continue to astound me. 

Return To Writing 

As Friday, May 6^th progresses, I am on task for a newly renewed passion. I am finally entering a period where I have five free days each week – five days in which I can engage in the passion of writing. 

A quick check of the calendar tells me I am exactly eight weeks behind in my story telling – eight long weeks that have blessed my life with intense emotional release, incredible growth, and profound understanding. 

“How will I ever catch up?” I ponder as I begin my first day of what will be an intensive writing marathon to come. 

“It doesn’t matter.” I respond to myself. “I will simply write and write and write, writing like I have never written before, getting up early and staying up late, flowing with inspiration and integration, simply writing until I am done.” 

“I will let the flow dictate the rest.” 

The Journey Of Writing 

Today, Saturday, June 11, I have finally finished writing about those amazing eight weeks of powerful processing – a journey that includes twenty-six postings, each containing a beautiful and loving piece of my heart. 

I only giggle as I ponder the fact that I am still five weeks behind – five more weeks that have overflowed with continuing deep growth and healing. 

I remain eternally grateful for the beautiful synchronous flow that continues to bless my life. I will continue to write with passion – not seeking to achieve a final destination of “being done”, but instead simply enjoying the beautiful journey of sharing stories while integrating deep growth. 

It seems that with every post, I am the one who is blessed; each story helps me integrate further, ever deepening my growth, constantly enriching my life. 

I love this beautiful journey of writing. 

The Real Me 

Just today I have been deeply blessed by further understanding about self-hatred that continues to clog portions of my physical body – by insights into the fact that this reality really is a dream, but in my smallness I continue to partially squirm and deny that fact – and by the realization that nothing in this physical world defines the real me. 

It seems that with everything I write, I draw one step closer to actually understanding who this mysterious “real me” might actually be. 

I cannot wait to begin tackling the next five weeks. 

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved