As my eyes open very early on Saturday morning, May 7, a familiar energy pulses in my spine. I sense that the energy is trying to tell me something – that it wants to flow like Kundalini – but many blockages in my back and neck again present familiar roadblocks.
After an hour of meditation, I manage to get some of the energy rising, but much remains stuck, reminding me that I have considerable inner work left to do – inner work that will hopefully clear out the emotional densities that continue to clog my channels.
The day is quite intense as I integrate while writing, emotionally revisiting the self hatred that lives in my lower chakras.
It seems that writing on a daily basis is every bit as intense as participating in daily chocolate ceremonies. While forming every paragraph, I regress into past emotions, taking things another level deeper as I further integrate and heal.
“Wow,” I ponder while feeling slightly overwhelmed, “this ongoing writing marathon is going to be intense.”
My Personal Stage Play
On Sunday morning, I engage in a Skype conversation with a friend back home – a conversation that leaves me emotionally drained. It seems to be the perfect setup for the afternoon chocolate ceremony – a ceremony that finds me energetically lacking while experiencing the usual pains in my forehead and in my solar plexus.
As often happens, I am clueless as to where to begin my inner journey – but I trust a pattern that has recently proved itself without fail. It seems that every ceremony is beautifully orchestrated for my needs. Every person on the porch, every emotion that anyone processes, every word that comes out of Keith’s mouth, no matter to whom it is spoken – everything that happens on that porch is part of my process.
Recognizing this truth, I simply tune in to what is happening around me.
A Stupid Failure
“There is an energy above your head and to the left.” Keith tells me unexpectedly. “Can you identify it?”
“Is it my mother?” I ask Keith, as I ponder the loving feeling that connects with me.
“There is another energy above that.” Keith avoids answering my question, indicating that he is looking for something else. I lack confidence, being filled with confusion and deeply doubting myself.
“My grandmother?” I respond feebly to Keith’s second attempt to get me to identify the perceived loving energy.
I am deeply disconnected from source.
“I am a stupid failure.” I think to myself. “I will never be able to do this work on my own. There is no way I can possibly get these types of answers by myself.”
Let’s Get Real
Keith quickly moves on, providing neither confirmation nor answer to his questions about the energy above me. I continue to drown in a sea of self-flogging doubt.
Suddenly, as I flounder in murky waters, I recognize that I am swimming in ego, running around in a loop of God/separation drama, distracted, doubtful, a failure, not getting the help that I deserve, not trusting myself, confused, blah, blah, blah…
“Let’s get real and move beyond this crap.” I tell myself. “I am tired of playing small. I know the truth, I know that my intuitions are powerful, and I know that the Universe is behind me.”
I feel quite proud of myself for having successfully stopped ego in its tracks, yet again.
Afraid Of Love
“For the last week or two,” I think to myself, “I have felt as if something is sitting on my heart, restricting my energy, and squashing my ability to love.”
“It is time to bring in the next level of love.” I ponder with determination. “It feels like the energy hovering above me is simply pure unconditional love that needs to be returned to my stifled heart.”
As I begin to connect with the loving energy, asking it to merge with me, I feel as if I am literally attempting to force the process of pulling it down and into my heart.
“It shouldn’t be this hard.” I ponder. “Why is there so much resistance?”
I begin to focus deeply on my breathing. With each out-breath, I unexpectedly whimper, lightly crying and shaking as I experience twinges of deep painful emotion.
“What is this strange emotion?” I ponder with confusion. “And where is it coming from? Is it fear? Is it doubt? Why would I be afraid of this love?”
Comforting The Fear
I seem to be deeply afraid of having more power in my weak heart. For much of the next hour, I waffle in and out of this panic as a long emotional parade dances its way through my consciousness.
I want to discount the fear, to push it away and plow right through it – but then a deeper truth resonates in my heart.
“This fear is like a scared puppy.” I realize with power. “The goal is not to blast this puppy with light cannons – instead I need to nurture the frightened little puppy, to hold it, to comfort it, to get to know it, to ask the puppy what it needs from me.”
Reflected Processes
While I sink deeply into self-observation, seeking to understand the source of my fears and resistance, I simultaneously begin to pay close attention to everything occurring around me.
I begin to recognize a pattern that astounds me. Literally everything that takes place today is a review of where I have been in the last six months, taking me deeper into my own profound and synchronous journey.
A friend that I will call Naomi engages in deep powerful work regarding childhood shutdown, accessing emotions of her own energetic suicide in a profoundly gut-wrenching way. I find it amazing to watch someone else do almost exactly what I did just eight short days ago. While observing this reflection of my life, I go another level deeper into my own pain – experiencing the anguish from an entirely new perspective.
Then another woman on the porch launches into her own version of deep emotional processing with childhood shutdown.
“Wow,” I ponder with amazement, “this issue of childhood shutdown is now showing up wherever I look – as if my own work is being reflected back to me for a clearer vantage point.”
A Caged Little Girl
Soon, Naomi discovers a little inner child that is caged in her heart. Immediately I reflect on my own initial encounter with Sharon – my precocious little three-year-old inner child (See blog: Sharonski).
Naomi’s work parallels mine in profound ways. Just as with Sharon, Naomi’s little child refuses to come out of her cage, and just like me, Naomi tries to coax her child to come out, becoming quite frustrated when the little girl refuses to budge.
“Don’t be a parent to her.” Keith urges Naomi. “Be her sister and ask her what she needs from you.”
Naomi does not get it. She again tries to coax that frightened little girl out of her cage. Naomi is stuck in her process, unable to progress.
I desperately want to jump into the mix, to share insights of my own beautiful journey with Sharon, telling Naomi of the profound growth through which I had been required to pass before little Sharon would trust me enough to open the door to her cage. I had been forced to humble myself – to realize that I was the oppressor – that I was the clueless adult now trying to put her into a different box, when in reality it was little Sharon who had a few things to teach me.
But I keep my mouth shut, recognizing that Naomi’s lesson will be much more profound if she struggles with it herself, if she enters deeply into her own unique journey of self-discovery.
As I watch Naomi’s struggle, I joyfully reminisce about the amazing journey I have had with my own little inner child – a six month adventure in which this precocious little energy-worker has taught me so many things about myself.
Fleeting Peace Accord
Then another woman on the porch enters into deep work with inner blocks between her lower chakras and her heart, struggling with the metaphorical relationship between these two parts of her self.
Again I step back to observe my own ongoing journey as I futilely attempt to convince these two feuding energies in my body to reach some type of peace accord, to hold hands and to perhaps even hug. This woman’s work is a powerful mirror of where I continue to remain stuck.
Building Trust
Another woman begins to engage in performing extensive energy work on others, conveniently avoiding her own issues. I recall times in my path where I desperately wanted my own issues to be “over and done with”, longing to simply be a healer and to share that healing with others.
I laugh at myself as I now recognize how much I still have to learn – yet I also realize that those early stages of sharing energy were a profound process of building trust with myself, and with my intuitive abilities – trust that has gradually allowed me to access the courage to go much deeper into discovery of my own buried emotional treasures.
“Wow,” I ponder with clarity, “Everyone is exactly where they need to be, doing exactly what they need to be doing right now. Had I not gone through that process I would never have understood.
Observing Without Projection
I then observe as one woman deeply analyzes with her rational mind, struggling to understand a concept before she will allow herself to embrace it. Another beautiful man on the porch is completely stuck, shutdown, and unable to feel anything.
Rather than sinking into old patterns of self-righteous judgment, I see every beautiful person on the porch as my mirror, as someone who profoundly reflects me – reminding me of where I have been, or showing me where I am going, or perhaps even doing both at the same time. I see it all as perfect, with each person reminding me to unconditionally love “what is”, with no attachments and no judgments – simply recognizing that everything is part of the journey, and that we each have our own unique path to follow.
Yes, today on the porch is providing powerful insight on how to understand and assist others in their process without disempowering them, without using my own projections to invalidate where they themselves are at.
Delicious Buffet
To my surprise and delight, I simply observe an amazing episode of the “Brenda Larsen – This is your journey” show. In this unusually long ceremony – lasting nearly eight hours – Keith periodically checks in with me, simply giving me a glowing report, indicating that he is following my energy and that I am doing wonderfully.
Gratitude swells in my heart as I walk home. I realize that in the process of simply watching and integrating this movie of my life, I have unknowingly integrated the energy of love – the same one that Keith had attempted to get me to recognize at the start of the ceremony.
I was personally guided by every word leaving Keith’s mouth today – no matter who was the intended recipient.
In the process of integrating a huge variety of issues, I shed many tears of my own while sending powerful love to others, moving emotional densities as an empath, and feeling the actual emotional pains of others resonating inside my own body.
Yes, today presented me with a delicious buffet meal – tasty delights to further nourish understanding, compassion, and love.
A Revealing Realization
After spending a beautiful Monday while writing with my heart, I find myself struggling to resume my writing on Tuesday. The issues about which I have been writing are deep. With every paragraph I immerse myself into the intense process of emotional integration, literally reliving the experiences from Keith’s porch for a second time. With great effort and determination, I write on, shedding new tears, healing and integrating at ever deepening levels. Somehow I find the strength and courage to continue what is proving to be a difficult process.
On the light side, I love the morning meditations. I am really learning to enjoy sitting in absolute silence for ninety minutes – a time in which peaceful energy vibrations continue to expand and delight me.
On Tuesday morning I experience frequent bouts of feeling light-headed and dizzy – dazzling experiences caused by the powerful energies that frequently begin to flow.
During these last two meditations, a strong observation has begun to firmly implant itself in my radar.
“I still clench my forehead and eyebrows.” Inner recognition blurts out. “And I do it almost constantly.”
This realization deeply surprises me because I thought I had kicked the habit long ago.
Puzzling Ponderings
Eye and forehead clenching has been a lifelong curse.
As a teenager I remember being quite embarrassed by my little beady eyes when I tried to smile – eyes hidden by overhanging clenched eyebrows. During my freshman year in college I remember waking up on a daily basis with extremely dry eyes – a condition that I now realize was caused by clenching eyes and forehead during my sleep, restricting the flow of moisture into my eyes. During my thirties, I exerted great time and effort over a several year period – effort aimed at learning to relax the tight muscles in my face.
Then, to my surprise, as I stare today at a photo of myself as a fourteen-month-old baby, I am quite shocked to see that my eyebrows are turned down at the corners and my face looks sad – as if I have been clenching.
“Could it be that I clenched my forehead even as a baby?” I begin to ponder.
An Obvious Clue
To my dismay, unclenching my forehead is actually quite strange and uncomfortable. The relaxation process requires great effort, focus, and concentration, using muscles in ways they have not been used in a very long time. Even more surprising is that when I try to relax, I experience small muscle pains in my eyebrows.
“This clenching must be related to my third-eye chakra.” I ponder the obvious clue.
It will be weeks before I begin to understand the significance of this meditative discovery.
Hopeless Futility
Wednesday morning, during another beautiful meditation, I focus almost entirely on the third-eye chakra. Beautiful energy flows through my body and dizziness dances in my head, yet a feeling of cloudy stuck-ness continues to dominate the front of my forehead.
A metaphorical lead plate continues to block all energy access through this visionary chakra. Ongoing conscious attempts to relax the muscles of this region simply end in a feeling of futility. The eyebrow-aches seem to laugh at me, and the fact that constant undivided concentration is required to relax seems to taunt me with a feeling of hopelessness.
Lost In Confusion
Thirteen people crowd the magical porch for a Wednesday afternoon ceremony. As I meditate in my created reality, patiently waiting for my turn, I again feel lost and confused.
Finally, as Keith sits to work with a gentleman to my side, he briefly reaches over to place his fingertips on the upper part of my heart chakra. To my surprise, I immediately begin to sink into deep unexpected emotion.
“I didn’t know that this emotion was still in there.” I ponder.
“Keith,” I share when he finally begins to work with me. “I feel so confused.”
“I have been feeling lots of energy for the last week or so,” I beg for understanding, “but I continue to feel pains and blockages – and no metaphors are rising today. I feel like I am at a new level and I don’t know what to do. I am recognizing ego patterns of doubt, and I feel as if I am spinning in confusion.”
“I felt quite emotional just now when you touched me,” I continue, “but I don’t know if I am supposed to process these emotions the old way, or if I should try to deal with them using higher energies …”
The Last To Know
“Whoa,” Keith interrupts my rambling. “Go back a couple of sentences – to the part where you said ‘at a whole new level’.”
“This is exactly where you are,” Keith lovingly reassures me, “and at this new level you can’t use rational mind to figure out what to do next. You are perfect, right where you are. Just continue to feel the energies and don’t try to figure anything out.”
“As you flow with the process,” Keith continues, “rational mind will be the last to figure it out. At this level, you are not comfortable. Everything is new, it is unknown, you can’t describe it, you don’t know the rules, and your rational mind is unsure.”
Unmapped Territory
As Keith again quickly moves on, I am intuitively guided to remember Serg’s story of the two little frogs – one frog who lives in a well and one who lives by the ocean.
“Just come and visit me at the ocean,” the ocean frog told the other who lives in the well. “I can’t describe the ocean to you with words … you just have to experience it for yourself.”
As I ponder this cute little story, my eyes begin to fill with tears. Thoughts about further surrender fill me with a sensation of profound inner panic.
“I have no idea how to get to the ocean from here.” I remind myself. “I am at a place where surrendering is all that I can do … I am in unmapped territory and I must simply follow … asking Higher Self to guide me … I don’t know … I don’t know … I don’t know … I need to surrender …”
Emotions of panic swarm through my soul.
Still There
While I observe myself going down the rabbit hole of surrender, Keith begins to work with my friend Naomi – the same woman who on Sunday had found her little inner child refusing to exit a cage in her heart.
Naomi is totally stuck in her head, attempting to direct her process without knowing where to go.
“What about your inner child?” I feel strong intuition telling me to interrupt Naomi in her conversation with Keith. “Did she ever come out of her cage?”
“No, she is still in there,” Naomi confesses as she begins to return to deep painful emotion.
Both
I smile inside as I watch Keith take Naomi deeper into her inner child process, realizing that my words – words that seemed to be channeled through me – were crucial to Naomi’s ongoing journey.
In the meantime, I go right into the process myself, connecting energetically with everything Naomi is experiencing. Soon I begin to access deep emotions as well.
“Keith,” I interrupt briefly, “can you help me understand if I am simply feeling Naomi’s emotions, or if I am doing my own work over here?”
“Both,” Keith replies confidently.
Through Different Eyes
Immediately I allow myself to sink further into my own process. To my shock and surprise, I am profoundly feeling little three-year-old Sharon’s pain – the excruciating pain that she passed through when circumstances forced her to orchestrate her own energetic suicide.
Yes, I had gotten hopelessly lost in these same emotions just ten days ago, but this time is different – I am now experiencing the horrendous agony through Sharon’s eyes – feeling the hopelessness and futility that she felt at such a tender age.
As overwhelming emotions consume me, I cry and double over in anguish. Deep nausea and pain consume my abdomen. I feel as if I were kicked in the gut, that my wind was knocked out of me. I can’t breathe, and deep tears begin to flow like rivers.
Meanwhile, I continue to monitor Naomi’s parallel journey as she works across the porch with Keith. As I hold my little girl’s hand and ask her to please teach me more, I overhear Naomi tell her little girl something crudely equivalent to “just get over it and trust me.”
Ask Her To Teach You
“Stop trying to be her teacher and ask her to teach you.” I lovingly interrupt Naomi through my tears.
As I hear these words pass from my lips, I suddenly realize they were meant for me. From a whole new level, I again ask little Sharon to teach me what it is that I am not yet understanding.
The Family Ground
As I sink deeper into my little girl’s pain, I am drawn to remember countless examples of childhood discipline – having my mouth repeatedly washed out with soap, cayenne pepper sprinkled on my tongue, spankings, and the occasional belt to the buttocks.
“Emotions were rarely expressed in my family,” I ponder to myself, “other than the expressions of love between me and my mom, of course.”
Everything was cheerfully wonderful and pleasant. My childhood home always maintained a happy image, but there was invisible stress.
“I was an ‘emotional ground’ in the family.” I suddenly realize. “I was the empath who absorbed all of the negativity that no-one else dared to express. I felt the unexpressed discord and internalized it all as the young empath that I was.”
The Real Truth
“When tears surfaced,” I further ponder, “tears that were my only means of releasing this painful emotional pressure, I had no obvious reason for crying – at least none that I could explain to others.”
“This is why I cannot remember the reasons for the tears that I cried so often.” I ponder with increasing clarity. “This is why I was so mouthy and rebellious to my mother. I was not allowed to speak the real truth, and I wanted to defend my actions … I just wanted to be understood.”
Reversing Roles
“Connect with little Sharon and do an empath release for her.” Keith coaches me.
After ten minutes of feeling Sharon’s deep emotional energies running through me and out to the angels, another intuition strikes me.
“Sharon is a much more skilled empath than I.” I ponder deeper. “She is the expert here.”
Soon I reverse roles and ask her to show me how it is done, asking her to intuitively teach me. The two of us begin to work hand in hand as the internal pain greatly diminishes, ever more quickly.
Unexpectedly, I feel as if a tiny crack briefly opens in the center of my forehead – giving me a pleasant sensation of lightness and delightful energy flow in my third-eye chakra. But it is only a brief glimpse – a glimpse that gives me hope that more is on the way.
When the empathic emotional release has completed, I continue to experience slight pain in my abdomen – but a sense of peaceful knowing reminds me that an ongoing journey of growth and understanding continues to light up the future.
Strictly Forbidden
“I understand everything at such a profound level now.” I exclaim to Keith with deep joy.
“I have felt these tears and emotions many times in the past,” I continue, “but finally I actually understand, at a rational mind level, why I cried and cried and cried for no reason whatsoever.
“You weren’t allowed to express negativity in any form.” Keith adds some clarity.
“Ouch! That hurts to even think about it.” I reply to Keith as I suddenly experience a deep painful rumbling in my abdomen – pain that punches me in the gut at the exact same instant that Keith speaks those words.
“That is so true.” I express with new light bulbs flashing. “I was encouraged to express love – but any type of conflict, disagreement, or negativity was strictly forbidden, always resulting in some type of punishment.”
Cheerful Childhood Conditioning
Immediately, the words from several Mormon children’s songs begin to stream through my mind.
“When we’re helping, were happy … and we sing as we go … we love to help mother …”
“Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam … to shine for him each day … in every way try to please him …”
“If you chance to meet a frown … quickly turn it upside down …”
And the list could go on forever. Yes, the message with which I was raised is “be happy, helping, smiling, pleasing, loving, etc…”
I Did It Too
There was no permission or teaching on how to express ‘negative’ feelings in a healthy way. Sadness, frustration, and the like were not well received, and anger was not tolerated at all – but even worse was the punishable sin of disagreeing and arguing with parents, especially in the area of their cherished belief systems.
Yes, such “negative” behaviors were carefully disciplined out of me, all in the name of obedience and love.
My only choice to avoid punishment was to conform, to refrain from talking back, and to please my parents in every way. Thinking for myself, and embracing opposing opinions – well those both got me in serious trouble. Yes, I was limited to happy, helping, smiling, pleasing, and loving.
Of course I was also taught that all good little boys and girls behave this way, and that any deviation from such goodness is a sin.
The sad twist here is that I taught the exact same things to my own children – with the best of intentions.
A Single Drop
Through the next two days, I continue to write up a storm – but the writing is not always easy. Again on Friday, the thirteenth day of May, I meet strong internal resistance, as the emotions about which I seek to write continue to stir up deep pain and profound inner-work integration – but somehow I manage to keep the writing going.
I love how my writing is sandwiched between beautiful meditations. Every morning, the peaceful energetic bliss grounds me in preparation for a new day. Every evening, I find myself further integrating the profound insights – insights about things that came up during my writing – while simply vibrating with loving energy.
But the underlying focus of most meditations is on bringing light and energy into my third-eye. I try sending love, even imagining myself as writing the words “I Love You” on the inside of my forehead. In one meditation I finally succeed in coaxing a single drop of loving energy through the third eye – but my energy will allow no more than that.
Profound Perceptions
These have been a profound seven days. As I internalize deeper understanding through my writing, I continue to explore profound issues of my childhood shutdown, through angles I never imagined possible.
Each new experience increases my level of understanding regarding what happened to me as a child – a happy child in a happy home – a happy child lovingly broken like a horse – a happy child taught to be a people pleaser, not allowed to deviate from strictly held belief systems – both religious and cultural.
But the most exciting thing is that I now understand it all from a completely rational mind level.
“Keith was right.” I ponder while preparing for bed on Friday night. “For several months I have been experiencing the right-brain emotions of what happened to me – but finally the rational mind has caught up. The rational mind really is the last to understand.”
“No wonder I have always been a people pleaser.” I think to myself. “No wonder I have always had such a difficult time around conflict. No wonder expression of negative emotion was so frightening and shunned.”
I now powerfully perceive that I was profoundly and persistently programmed by proud parents and patriarchal preachers to perform as a positive peaceful people pleaser. If I perhaps presumed to protest, punishment was probable and painful.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved