Tuesday, after an incredibly restful sleep, I am deeply blessed by profound understanding and integration that comes from putting the finishing touches on my experiences with a very loyal scorpion. There is no doubt that the little stinger-guy was simply honoring divine guidance, stinging me exactly when and where he was asked to do so – bringing me a profoundly symbolic message – a blog entry that I lovingly publish titled “Synchronous Scorpion Symbolisms”.
I continue to be blown away by the synchronous nature of my journey – the timing and flow of every event on Keith’s porch, of my own meditative and emotional journeys, and of my writing – they all seem so amazingly synchronized.
Pertinent Wisdom
I cannot believe it is already June 15. The month is already half over and I am still passionately writing – still focusing on bringing my writing current – and I love every moment.
After a hurried boat trip to Panajachel for cash and errands, Wednesday afternoon finds me again sitting excitedly on the magical porch of the Chocolate Shaman. I have long-since learned to arrive with no expectations or attachments – to simply show up with an open heart and mind, ready and willing to embrace everything that occurs. Today, this wisdom proves especially pertinent.
Watching And Waiting
After a beautiful group meditation and simply basking in the glow, the heart of the ceremony begins.
“Brenda, let’s start with you.” Keith catches me off guard. “Where are you at?”
“Well I have the usual mild pain in my solar plexus, but I am a little confused. Nothing seems to be coming up.” I begin to share. “I continue to watch the blocks in my third-eye, and now as I talk to you my solar plexus pain is starting to increase … blah blah blah.”
“Just continue watching yourself.” Keith guides me as he quickly moves on.
As Keith starts to work with others, I feel guided to simply observe and wait; I pay close attention, trusting that something profound will soon trigger me.
Open Floodgates
As Keith works with a woman across the porch, digging deep into childhood shutdown issues, my own tears begin to trickle as I profoundly relate to what is being processed. Soon, as Keith works with another woman, my emotions are again deeply triggered by more childhood discussions. I am on the edge of tearful emotional release, continuing to watch the emotional waves that ebb and flow inside of my being.
A short while later Keith begins to work with a man who is sinking deeply into a process involving his blocked throat chakra. The issue being processed has to do with his inability to speak his truth as a child.
Suddenly, my own emotional floodgates burst open.
My Own Oppressor
“I never had a voice as a young child.” I ponder with intuitive clarity. “I was angry that I did not have a voice – that I could not express my own unique truth – that I had to simply stuff my feelings and be a well-behaved conforming citizen.”
“The more I suppressed my true inner voices,” I continue pondering, “the angrier I became – yet that anger could not be expressed. Expressing my anger in any way only got me into deep trouble. Having no outlet for release, the anger was stuffed down and turned inward.”
As I grew older and gradually switched roles, the unexpressed anger eventually became the projected emotion of self-hatred. Rather than being the victim of my well-intentioned parents and teachers – I became the collaborative voice of those leaders, literally hating any part of me that would not conform to the cultural box, any part that appeared to be different than the norm.
“I became my own oppressor,” I ponder deeper, “the relentless enforcer of family, cultural, and religious rules.
Projected Rebellion
Not only was this anger projected against myself, it eventually began to be projected onto anyone else who was not perfect in the eyes of the unreasonably high standards that I set for myself – standards designed to win as many blue ribbons and pats on the back as possible. I absolutely had to please my parents and leaders. With my own inner voices having been completely squashed, external praise was the only source of validation and self-worth.
The oppressor-voice gradually took up residence inside of my own head, pretending to be me, spewing self-hatred all over me. The angry-preacher-on-a-soap-box that lives inside of me is none other than my childhood rebellious anger projected both inward and outward.
I momentarily reflect on the real-life angry preacher that I heard several times just last week.
“Is my suppressed anger/self-hatred really that strong?” I ponder.
Pondering Punching
As Keith continues to work his way around the porch, everyone else’s work seems to greatly facilitate my understanding of this angry inner voice. Tears stream lightly down my cheeks with each garnered emotional insight.
“My tummy hurts.” I think to myself. “I am tired of this anger continuing to live inside of me, but I am clueless as to how to extract it.”
Part of me wants to access the anger in an experiential way, punching cushions and re-experiencing it in a physical way. In fact, when Keith finally returns to work briefly with me, I am already holding a cushion on my lap, pondering as to whether or not I will begin to punch away.
“Do I need to let myself actually get angry in order to release this anger?” I beg Keith for answers.
Two Deceptions
“Brenda,” Keith guides me. “Imagine an angel from your Mormon past. The angel will come down and stand in front of you, holding large golden tablets filled with rules and judgment.”
“Ouch,” I express with deep resentment and pain. “I cannot fathom such lies attempting to tell me that God is judgmental … it hurts … I want to deeply reject this angel.”
“Now,” Keith again guides me, “remove the angel’s mask and clothing, revealing a deceptive demon hiding underneath the costume.”
As I ponder this demon in front of me, I feel quite justified in my anger – justified in recognizing that the angel was indeed a deceptive preacher – instilling fear and judgment onto me in the name of God. But I still cannot let go of my anger.
A Divine Partnership
Keith then guides me to imagine the demon as being replaced by a higher being with whom I have an agreement – an agreement that I will get lost in these lies – lies of both the angel of judgment and the demon of deception. This higher being and I know that this whole process is part of my own life plan – part of the conditioning and growth through which I needed to pass in order to learn and understand my life path, in order to be able to help others.
“Now ask this higher being to begin taking elements of this angry preacher voice from you.” Keith guides me.
Keith suggests that I then focus on the belief systems, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of this angry preacher – asking the higher being to receive from me anything that is now ready to be released, that no longer serves me in my growth process.
Relaxing Rearranging Release
As I begin to surrender and allow this process to unfold, ego again raises his hand with doubt and fear – telling me that I will fail … that I am simply imagining this … that it will not work.
I attempt to merely thank ego for his opinion, responding “I am onto you and your lies will no longer work”, but I continue to struggle with the process.
“Release this ‘ego-voice’ to the higher being.” Keith guides me. “Release these doubts as part of what you give away.”
Soon, as I sink into focused relaxation, I feel a small-but-steady flow of energy leaving my body from the upper heart chakra. I have the sensation of energy rearranging things in my high-heart, as if I am again on the Goddess’s operating table. I simply remain in surrender-and-allow mode.
As ego-doubts surface, I immediately thank them, direct them into the energy flow, and release them.
A Harmless Suggestion
At 3:30 p.m., a young man on the porch interrupts. For the purposes of this writing, I will call him “Paul”.
Paul announces that he is scheduled to participate in an online radio show at 4:00 p.m., and asks if we can tell him where to go in San Marcos for a good Skype connection.
“Sorry Paul,” I tell him, “you won’t be able to Skype at any of the low-bandwidth internet places here in San Marcos. Your only option would be to use a special cell-phone modem from a place where you get good reception.”
“Keith has a setup here that usually works.” I share with Paul. “Perhaps he might let you use it inside while we continue with the ceremony out here.”
My Own Creation
As I attempt to return to my relaxing release process, Paul first get’s Keith’s permission to use his internet – but then suggests something to the whole porch.
“Hey,” Paul speaks enthusiastically to all of us. “Maybe we could bring the internet out here on the porch and we could all listen to and participate in the live radio show.”
I do not feel the least bit interested in participating, but I intuitively recognize that my higher energy is creating this interruption for a reason. I simply choose to sit back, to observe, to say nothing, and to go with the flow of whatever happens.
Minutes later, with no verbally expressed opposition, Keith follows the energy and begins to help Paul setup his computer on the porch.
Profound Curiosity
Meanwhile, I again return to my relaxing release – quietly observing the disruption on the porch with profound curiosity and anticipation.
I half-listen to the entire thirty-five minute program, but mostly tune it out while continuing my process. The content of the phone call seems to be a waste of my time. In fact, everyone but one other lady on the porch actually gets up and walks out in the first twenty minutes – silently expressing that they too see no personal value in what is happening.
I seriously consider leaving too – but past experience tells me that if I remain, something profound might just happen.
It is not until 5:00 p.m. that the porch returns to normal – but it is actually anything but normal. Paul has left, one other lady besides me remains, and Keith is tapping away on his laptop keyboard – seeming to ignore us both.
As I continue to meditate quietly, I ponder the unfolding events with profound curiosity.
“Is the ceremony over?” I speculate.
“Or is Keith perhaps deeply immersed in another role-play episode, just like he did with me on April 15 when he drove me nearly insane by assuming the script of an authoritative parent.”
Confusing Speculations
During the last hour of my process, I had reached a point where the energy flow leaving my body seemed to cease. Shortly thereafter I began to feel resumed pain in both my chest and in my solar plexus.
“Is this pain telling me that I am resisting something that I need to further release?” I think to myself while Keith types away on his laptop.
“Or perhaps the pain might be me resisting a pushed-out part of me that now desires to return?” I speculate.
I am completely lost, desiring help, but unsure as to the status of the ceremony.
A Puzzling Interaction
“Keith,” I finally interrupt the silence. “Are we still in ceremony or is your behavior indicating that we are done?”
“You are still in your process,” Keith warmly acknowledges. “What is going on?”
To my surprise, Keith immediately begins typing again.
“I am really struggling here.” I explain my process and then continue my plea. “Can you give me any clues or feedback?”
“Go back and reconnect with the being.” Keith guides me. “Find out if there is more that you needed to let go of. Your continued pain could mean that more needed to be released, and that it is now stuck because you stopped.”
Keith again returns immediately to his laptop. I know he is paying attention, but I perceive his body language and typing as annoying and disrespectful.
“I wonder what Keith has up his sleeve?” I ponder while attempting to remember that this puzzling behavior is a creation of my own higher energies.
Screaming Ego
Sure enough, when I reconnect with my higher-being friend, I feel an immediate flow of emotional density that again flows out of my upper heart region. As the flow stabilizes, the pains in my chest and solar plexus disappear.
After a while, the flow again seems to stop on its own.
While quietly sitting, pondering what to do next, I am consumed with insane judgments regarding what I perceive as being Keith’s bizarre behavior. He continues to type away on his laptop, appearing to be completely detached from what I am doing, appearing to not even care.
“He should be paying attention to me!” Ego voices scream in my head. “This is just plain RUDE!”
“Let’s go sit on the front row of the theater and just watch ourselves.” I feel my observer-self attempt to lovingly intervene.
Seriously Acting
As I sit watching the unfolding stage play, I struggle to detach myself from the insane ego judgments that recklessly fly all over my mind.
“Brenda, it is just a performance.” I call out to my personality-self from the front row of the theater. “Don’t take this seriously. Keith is simply performing an Oscar-winning role in a script designed to test you – to see where you are in your ability to recognize ego. Don’t fall for it!”
“Wake up Brenda.” I call out with encouragement. “Remember who you are.”
On My Own
“Keith,” I soon interrupt, without expressing my ego battle. “I feel as if I am done with the release process, but I am lost, unsure what to do or where to go next.”
“Reconnect with the being and find out.” Keith gives me an answer that seems designed to further frustrate me.
“Go deeper into the process to see where it leads you.” He adds before returning to his laptop.
Ego wants to just scream, “He is ignoring me … he is not helping me … HOW RUDE OF HIM!”
A Memory Of Friends
“Why am I manifesting this reality?” I begin to ponder with extreme curiosity. “Why would I want my teacher to appear rude – to seemingly abandon me in this way?”
“This ego part of me is deeply attached to the thought that Keith should put the computer away and rejoin the ceremony with his full attention.” I further ponder. “This part of me is extremely annoyed by his behavior.”
“I am in a big-time ego loop.” I ponder with clarity. “I am deeply lost in my God/separation drama – again feeling abandoned in my time of need.”
I struggle to remember that just down the metaphorical hallway is an energetic room filled with higher beings and spiritual guides that love me profoundly. They are simply waiting for me to connect and join them. Ego absolutely demands that I remain locked away in my pity party room, remaining separate and annoyed that higher energies are not coming to rescue me.
A Stellar Performance
I am getting desperate. Ego has an amazingly strong hold on my perceptions. I know that none of this is real, yet I feel chained to that pity-party room.
For thirty minutes I try every metaphor I know, observing myself in the theater, reminding myself that this is all a stage performance of The Muppet Show, pondering the movie “Inception” and reminding myself that this is just a nested lucid dream. I cycle through it all – desperately seeking relief from the deeply rooted tentacles of ego.
All the while, Keith continues to engage in a stellar performance, lovingly listening, continuing to look away while tapping on his keyboard.
Adios Preacher
Ever so slowly, my efforts begin to pay off. Gradually the dense energy judgments begin to give way to higher vibration light energies. Thoughts of condemnation dissolve at a snail’s pace – but slowly and surely I steadily increase in vibration, eventually reaching a state where I am beginning to glow with love and divine peace.
“How are you doing Brenda?” Keith asks at what seems to be the perfect moment – a moment when my body is lighting up with this loving gratitude.”
“I’m in the theater watching myself angrily judge you.” I respond to Keith with a smile. “I’m watching my God/separation-drama unfold, gradually raising my vibrations to higher levels.”
“I have reconnected with my friend the higher being,” I continue, “and I am once again sending all of these judgmental angry-preacher thoughts to him, releasing these dysfunctional patterns out of my body. These angry ego thoughts are no longer mine to carry.”
Return Of The Preacher
As such enlightened words flow off my tongue, I notice that doubts are again beginning to surface in my heart – doubts saying that this is only a temporary insight – that what I am doing is very hard to do – that surely I am going to fail in the end.
“I need Keith’s help!” I hear myself think as I notice that Keith continues to type away on his laptop. “He should put his computer down now and focus more on helping me!”
“Thank you for playing your script so efficiently!” I verbally share with love, refusing to let that angry-preacher ego-voice control my thoughts.
This inner battle is intense.
A Solo Journey
“This is a process that no one can teach me or do for me.” I ponder with profound clarity. “Keith cannot help me here. If he tried, it would interfere with my lesson.”
“No, I must face this challenge on my own, finding my own inner connection to the divine.”
As I sink deeply into meditation, I begin to realize that every feeling of inadequacy is an absolute and bold-faced lie. I have a room full of higher beings who love me unconditionally, who circle-up with me, who hold me and cradle me, who will help me with anything and everything that I need.
“I have no idea what might be motivating Keith to play his side of my script.” I ponder with delight. “But I am overflowing with gratitude that he has the courage to play his role so brilliantly.”
Forehead Tingles
I begin to feel energy rising up my neck. Soon the tingling spreads higher, into my chin, my cheeks, the back of my head, my nose, my eyes, and even the top of my head – but one area that the energy does not seem to touch is the forehead.
“It is only an ego-belief telling me that there is a block in my forehead.” I tell myself. “I choose to release that belief.
Immediately I begin to feel tingles in my forehead – tingles that gradually strengthen and then begin to fade.
“This will just be a glimpse of energy possibilities.” I hear another belief penetrate my head.
I quickly release that new belief to the higher being, and to my delight the tingles return to my forehead, even stronger.
Releasing Beliefs
This process of experiencing self-limiting beliefs and then releasing those beliefs continues for a very long time.
A beautiful energy consumes me as I let go of a steady stream of ‘voices in my head’. Whenever I recognize any voice that does not seem worthy of being spoken by an enlightened being, I release that voice – whether it be fears, doubts, or judgments of any form.
When any type of unenlightened thought passes through my mind, I see it as an ego-lie – something masquerading as me – and I let it go with love.
A Giggling Update
“How are you doing,” Keith asks eventually.
The fact that Keith continues typing while I share my amazing insights does not even bother me in the least. I am vibrating in a cloud of light, and am not attached in any way to what Keith may or may not choose to do.
“I don’t need his help.” I silently giggle. “I am divine and I have divine help. Ego has no voice right now.’
Paradoxical Beliefs
“Surely you will lose this divine connection when you go home tonight.” An ego voice taunts me.
As I release that voice, I quietly acknowledge that life does indeed have its ups and downs, and that I likely will go through many downs between my ups.
“If I do slip into a down,” I ponder, “I will no longer beat myself up with self-hatred and judgment.”
“Is that a belief too?” I ponder the paradox. “Can I release the belief that there will be downs? Is that possible?”
Perfect No Matter What
Realizing that I am getting too much in my head, I simply remind myself that I am having a beautiful experience right now, that all is perfect and will continue to be perfect, no matter what unfolds next.
“It is all a part of my process.” I giggle with peace.
Silencing The Chatter
“Do you have any final words of advice?” I briefly interrupt Keith’s typing. “The evening is growing quite late.”
“Everything you have told me seems to be spot-on.” Keith congratulates me. “I can’t really add to your insights. You seem to have been quite thorough in your understanding.”
Then Keith surprises me with what he tells me next. Following is a paraphrased version of his words:
“We have been working on getting you to release all of the background chatter that constantly pulls you down, creates doubt, and pulls you backward. Today has been a very unique process in helping you to begin to let go of more of that chatter, to clear and silence that rational and mental chatter, and to help you move forward.”
I Need Do Nothing
As I meander down the cobblestone road, heading homeward, physical darkness is rapidly consuming the amazing evening – but light continues to glow in my heart. My heart is giggly and alive, mesmerized by the possibilities of simply shifting and letting go of old beliefs.
“I really don’t need to do anything.” I ponder with clarity. “It is not about achieving enlightenment through noteworthy doings, actions, and behaviors.
Instead it is all about undoing – undoing all of the beliefs that get in the way and that no longer serve me – undoing the ego thoughts such as doubt, fear, judgment, inadequacy, and failure that trap me in isolated separation – and undoing the patterns and dysfunctional behaviors that make me forget who I am, my divine nature, my higher-vibration birthright, and the unlimited support that is simply waiting for me to reach out with love.
Everything that holds me back is nothing more than a belief that does not serve me.
The Power Of Beliefs
“Wow,” I ponder with wonder and amazement. “These things called beliefs are extremely powerful.”
Today I have been given profound and unique glimpses into how beliefs literally do create my reality.
As I continue walking, I cannot help but flash back to a conversation with Keith during one of our first sessions together, in the summer of 2010.
“Is it possible for me to do what you do?” I had asked Keith with deep curiosity.
“Yes Brenda.” Keith had answered. “The only difference between you and me is that I know I can do this, and you believe that you can’t.”
Tonight I profoundly recognize that the only obstacles that stand in my way are the ongoing beliefs of separation – the ego beliefs that subtly whisper “I can’t.”
Can it really be that simple?
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved