This was originally posted on July 1, 2011. I deleted it because it was causing problems with my email subscription services. I have reposted it on September 27, 2011. Hopefully, this one will get sent out to subscribers.
I can’t believe everything is happening so fast. It is Sunday morning, June 26, 2011. In the midst of scurrying to get my writing up to date, I have now made three trips to Panajachel this week, all to the ATM in order to get enough cash to pay three months worth of rent.
After returning to San Marcos, my next item of business is to click the “purchase” button for an airline ticket to fly from Cancun to Salt Lake City on July 18. I am doing it. In less than a week I will be on a bus headed back into Mexico where I will do a little tourist stuff, visit with friends in Valladolid for about a week, and then spend a week in Cozumel before flying home to spend two months in Utah.
There are so many errands to do that I barely have time to eat before the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony.
Time To Assist
“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith asks soon after we begin.
“I’m feeling some very mild density in my solar plexus, and some of my energies remain shutdown.” I reply to Keith. “But I am actually feeling a very nice energy flow, and nothing at all is coming up.
“Who do you want to connect to?” Keith asks.
We both know that it is time for me to share a little energy with someone else.
From Afar
“I’m feeling very connected to Naomi (not her real name) over there.” I tell Keith confidently.
“Go for it.” Keith smiles as he then moves on to work with someone else.
My friend Naomi is in deep emotional agony today, releasing heavy waves of painful tears, doing so even before Keith begins to work with her. The space in front of Naomi is quite crowded, so I opt to remain in my seat, doing my energy assistance from afar.
Such energy work can actually be performed from half way around the world.
Learning To Discern
After a while, as I attempt to assist Naomi as an empath, I begin to feel pains in my solar plexus and the lower areas of my heart chakras. Believing that the pains I feel belong to Naomi, I decide to ask for guidance. I do not yet fully trust my ability to discern.
“Keith, is this pain mine or Naomi’s?” I ask curiously.
“It is Naomi’s.” Keith confirms my intuition.
“Brenda,” Keith guides me. “Ask your room full of higher friends to show you how to more effectively discern the energies.”
Attempting To Discern
I make the meditative request of my circle of friends, but feel absolutely no guidance being provided. Either the answer is no, or I am simply not listening – or perhaps the answer is still in the delivery truck, still in transit.
I choose to trust that all is well. Soon I speculate that maybe if I attempt to connect with different people, one at a time, that I might be able to tell the difference – but every time I begin to do this, something distracts me. I intuitively sense that the distraction is telling me “nope, don’t do it that way.”
I do feel as if I am connected to one other person, but confusion continues to dance at my doorstep.
“Brenda,” Keith guides me as I express this confusion, “we know that you usually connect to more than one person at the same time. Just trust the process.”
When I ask Keith to again confirm the source of what is now a stronger pain in my heart, he again reassures me that it is not mine.
A Squeezed Heart
The energy on the porch today is beautiful, and many of the first-time-attendees seem to be emotional sponges – so Keith soon decides to conduct another empath training.
As I pay attention to the energies and conversations around me, I have an intuitive feeling that my own individual flow is taking me right into the middle of this empath exploration.
During phase-one of the training, I note that a small ache forms in my third-eye chakra – physically confirming that this chakra, one that remains tightly shutdown, is highly related to the ongoing blockages that prevent me from more powerfully opening up my empath abilities.
During the second phase, when we are running emotional density through us without letting it touch us – well that does not seem to work well for me. I immediately begin to feel my heart chakra squeeze and cringe with pain. I am extremely weak in my heart – feeling squished, constricted, and tight.
“What happens to your heart when you do this?” Keith asks a general question to all those being trained.
With dramatic emphasis, I point at my painful restricted heart, explaining how much discomfort I am experiencing.
Are We There Yet?
“Keith,” I speak up, “I cannot feel the flow running through me. Instead it feels as if it the energies are painfully stuck at my heart, not moving at all.”
“Help me please,” I plead. “I feel like my little girl, Sharon, is frightened.”
“Lean back and relax Brenda,” Keith guides me, “just allow things to happen.”
Gradually I sense my heart also relaxing as a small amount of energy moves. But I remain extremely uncomfortable. This phase of empath training seems to be going on for much longer than usual and my heart continues to feel deeply squeezed and anxious. I am extremely grateful when Keith announces that we have finally reached the end of this phase.
Make It Fun
Phase three is much more fun when the demonstration energy does not need to pass through my body – when it can be directed straight to its higher evolvement. I feel considerable more energy flow, and achieve a great deal of peace in the process.
But the real work begins when Keith asks Naomi to sit in the middle of the room. As I energetically connect with Naomi, to begin assisting her, I get a strong intuitive feeling telling me that little Sharon needs to participate – but that I need to make it light and fun for her, forming a huge amount of emotional support around her.
Before proceeding, I quietly connect with this beautiful little inner child of mine, having a genuine chat to make sure she is OK with what I am proposing – and that she is OK with the fact that I will be asking the angels to assist me in taking the density away.
“You can hide if you want, or you can watch.” I reassure my little girl. “But I will do all the work for you, unless you want to jump in and participate, that is.”
I imagine my little Sharon as a real three-year-old. I visualize myself holding her in my arms, hugging her tightly to my upper chest.
“If you see an angel,” I giggle to Sharon, “pretend that the angel has a big red clown’s nose. That will help you to let go of any fears that come up.”
Outside Confirmation
Before continuing the process, I make sure that I first feel a warm and loving energetic response from Sharon. I am done trying to force my good intentions onto my little girl without bothering to check in with her feelings.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts as I am about to begin, “I’m getting that this needs to be a lot of fun for Sharon.”
I simply giggle, because I have not told Keith anything about what I am doing other than that I am involving my little girl.
Dorothy And Glinda
Seconds later, a series of metaphors pop into my mind. I first suggest that Sharon imagine herself as wearing an angel costume with little wings. Then I tell her to also pretend that she is Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, and that she also has a magic wand in her hand – a wand that gives her the loving powers of Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
I then tell Sharon that if she feels any evil emotional density (represented by the Wicked Witch of the West), that she can wave her wand, throw water on the witch, or simply click her magic slippers together to move somewhere else.
Sharon likes the ideas and we both giggle together as we imagine the fun that we are going to have.
The Good Angel
Soon we connect to Naomi’s energy. I begin to feel a very pleasant and powerful energy vibration flowing in my body. Periodically a sharp pain begins to form in my heart, but Sharon quickly waves her magic wand and throws a bucket of water. The incoming pain melts and disappears, just like the wicked witch in Oz.
As we proceed with our little make-believe game, Sharon imagines herself as all powerful – being able to handle anything the wicked witch can throw at her. Then I remind her that she also has an angel costume.
“I am the good angel,” I feel Sharon giggle, “and the densities are the bad angels.”
Overwhelmed And Traumatized
Sharon and I play these fun games together for a very long time. The energy vibrations in my body continue to feel delightful – except for the fact that the pains of the emotional density coming into my heart seem to be growing increasingly stronger and ever more intimidating.
I sense that little Sharon is becoming extremely stressed – scared that she is not capable of handling this much emotional density all at once. Together we continue to wave magic wands, throw buckets of water, and keep the pain at bay – but the effort requires constant focus and the pain is very uncomfortable.
Another thirty minutes pass as the best we can do is to barely survive the onslaught of pain. The concept of fun has long-since disappeared. A strong intuitive sense tells me that Sharon is feeling quite traumatized. I can feel her trauma in the way that my heart is reacting.
Yet I also sense that Sharon is determined to keep going. She trusts me, we are working together, and she does not want to quit.
A Wild Ride
Finally, as the process comes to a natural conclusion, I explain my difficult emotional journey to Keith. My inner emotions (Sharon’s) are so distressed by the continuous onslaught of pain that I begin to cry right along with her.
“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “Sharon was very traumatized by what happened when she was a little child. See if you can help her to understand that everything you just went through was all just a wild ride … and that she is now OK.”
“And next time,” Keith interjects, “I would suggest that you consider bringing in another higher friend to support you both if that ever happens again.”
For a while, I envision Sharon and I riding some type of “haunted mansion” ride at an amusement park – one that is quite scary, but when we come out the other end we can giggle together.
“See,” I laugh with Sharon, “we did it, nothing bad happened, and it was fun.”
While repeating this visualization over and over, I focus on deep relaxed breathing, allowing the higher vibrations to peacefully consume me. Gradually the energy rises and I feel Sharon relaxing her clenching.
Was It Real?
“Keith,” I ask during a short break, “I feel as I have been making this all up.”
“Brenda,” Keith reassures me with a huge smile, “it was more real than you could ever imagine.”
After the ceremony ends in a large-and-fun free-for-all discussion – a discussion in which nobody seems to want to leave – I continue meditating for another hour in beautiful high-vibrational energy.
Then I re-engage Keith in discussion to further clarify my doubts over a very emotionally-frightening metaphor.
“Did the metaphor really happen in this physical reality?” Keith poses a hypothetical question and then responds. “No, of course it didn’t.”
“Did the metaphor trigger healing in your energies that are permanent and that can be brought back in order to make positive changes in the physical world?” Keith again asks and then answers. “Absolutely yes.”
I Get It
“Of course,” I think to myself. “It is the healing that matters. The storyline is merely a method of communicating with the subconscious energies. Any number of different stories could produce the same emotional result. What matters is that I uncovered the emotional feelings and allowed myself to interact with those energies.”
“When I experienced Sharon’s stress, terror, and traumatization,” I further ponder, “those emotions were real energies – painful energetic memories of what happened to me when I was bombarded by emotional densities as a child.”
I now get it. The emotional journey on which I ventured today was indeed extremely real.
Trust The Flow
“Keith, my little inner child is still clenching.” I beg for more understanding, “I can energetically feel that clenching, subconsciously forcing my physical body to also clench. Can you give me any advice?”
“Brenda, what you are doing to connect with Sharon, and to build up trust with her, is what will eventually lead to her being able to relax and let go of the clenching.” Keith reassures me. “Just trust the flow that you are in.”
As I meditate before bed on Sunday evening, I quietly surrender to the flow, trusting that my energetic relief from body-clenching will happen exactly when it is time.
His True Heart
Monday morning, after a beautiful meditation I again find myself preparing to write, following my normal routine of first reading what I last wrote. As I read through “My Biggest Block” I am surprised when I again burst into tears while reading the words:
“I just want to be heard … I just want to be validated for who I am … I am not bad … please, just let me explain … you don’t understand … I’m good … I’m being genuine … I’m not trying to hurt you.”
It seems that my little inner Bobby is right on the surface of my emotions. I feel his pain deeply as I sob for a few minutes. I feel his deep desire to simply be given a genuine opportunity to explain his true heart.
But my writing will have to wait – another beautiful opportunity has presented itself.
An Invalidated Little Boy
Being my last week in San Marcos for a couple of months, I have chosen to take the opportunity for a shared-private session with Keith. It was actually my friend Kathy’s idea (not her real name) – but the moment that she asked I too knew I needed to participate.
Kathy and I begin our Monday morning session by attempting to explore our budding empath abilities with each other, but it soon becomes obvious to both of us that our energies are taking us in different directions. Our processes are deeply related, inspiring each other, but also profoundly individual.
As I explain to Keith what I am feeling, I first share about how I briefly sobbed this morning.
“My solar plexus is hurting just like it has done in every chocolate ceremony now for months.” I share with Keith. “But today the pain feels different, stronger, and I feel deep intuition telling me that this pain is related to little Bobby.”
“Little Bobby just wanted to be heard.” I share with watery eyes. “I feel like the pain in my solar plexus is the pain of this invalidated little boy.”
Welcoming Warm Vibrations
“Maybe I need to get to know him better,” I begin to speculate with Keith. “Maybe I need to build more trust, blah, blah, blah.”
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts me, “before you do anything, the first thing you need to do is to get Bobby to come up into your heart where he belongs.”
“I hadn’t even thought of this.” I respond to Keith with shock. “Sharon has been in my heart for a very long time. I feel her there. But Bobby is indeed in my solar plexus where it hurts.”
In deep meditation, I connect with little Sharon and ask her if she would be willing to walk down into my solar plexus to have a chat with Bobby. Keith soon instructs Kathy to have her little inner child come over to assist as well.
To my delight, after several minutes of peaceful loving mediation and meditation, I suddenly feel the pain in my solar plexus completely disappear as I simultaneously experience a beautiful warm vibration consume the right side of my heart chakra.
Where He Belongs
“Bobby is taking up residence on the right side of your chest because that is the traditionally masculine side.” Keith coaches me.
As I ponder these words, I notice that the warm vibrations on the right side of my chest nearly double in strength, confirming the truth of what was said.
“Of Course,” I think to myself. “How could I have missed the fact that my little male inner child was not yet with me in the heart. Over the last few weeks it has been clear that my feminine energies were in the heart and the Beast (masculine) energy was in the solar plexus – but I never connected Bobby with the fact that he was among that masculine energy – and that he belonged in my heart.”
Testing The Waters
As I simply observe this beautiful vibration in the right side of my heart chakra, I note that after a while the energy leaves my chest and returns to the solar plexus.
“You are free to live wherever you choose.” I share with little Bobby, expressing my unconditional love.
Repeatedly, I sense Bobby’s energy move back and forth between my solar plexus and the right side of my heart. The sensations are amazing. Each time that the energy is in my chest I feel warmth and peaceful vibration – but only on the right side. Each time the energy is in my solar plexus I feel sharp prickly pain, along with an absence of the warmth in my chest.
I love that Bobby seems to be testing the waters, building up his trust while observing my reactions, making sure that I will not judge him for moving. Finally, I sense his energy settle down in my heart and remain there for awhile.
Back And Forth
As I sit in this beautiful energy, an image presents itself to my mind. I feel both of my little inner children being held snuggly to my chest. Little Sharon is in my left arm and Bobby is in my right. Just like little three-year-olds often do, I sense their curiosity. They begin to play with my hair, grab my nose and chin, and tug on my necklace.
Their playfulness and innocence is delightful.
“Allow Bobby to go back and forth.” Keith coaches me unexpectedly.
“Yeah, I have been doing that for a while now.” I respond to Keith.
I simply giggle when Keith interrupts with this type of feedback – feedback given when I have been working in complete silence – feedback that completely validates what I have already been intuitively guided to do on my own. Such feedback totally builds up internal trust in my own intuitive feelings.
Fantasy Fun
“Play some fun imagination games with your inner children.” Another strong intuition floods my mind.
I am guided to reminisce about a fun little skit that I often played with my children. We pretended that we were all parts of a car, and that we were going on a vacation together. Four of my children would pretend to be each of the tires. As we drove along in our imaginations, one of the kids (tires) would suddenly go “flat”.
“Oh no,” I would giggle. “We have a flat tire. What are we going to do?”
Soon I would leave the imaginary drivers seat, step out, and pretend to pump up the tire. After climbing back behind the wheel, about ten seconds later another tire would go flat and we would repeat the process – giggling all the way.
As I ponder this beautiful fun I had with my own children, I imagine that little Sharon is the left front tire and that little Bobby is the right front tire. Every time that Bobby goes “flat” I sense his energy leave my heart and sink down into my solar plexus. Each time I visualize myself as pumping him up, I feel him rise back to my heart.
As silly as this process sounds, it is playful and seems to build a great deal of trust and unconditional love with my inner children.
Building Trust
After a while, as Kathy begins to talk with Keith about bringing higher energy into her crown, I intuitively feel Bobby running for cover, hiding back down in my solar plexus with fear.
I coax him back up to my heart and hold him with warm love. Later, as I begin to talk to Keith about bringing in additional higher energy into my own body, I again feel little Bobby run to hide. He is terrified of the higher energies.
“Your job is to build trust with Bobby,” Keith coaches me. “Don’t worry about bringing in more energy right now.”
I notice as I discuss my energies with Keith, that a feeling of pressure builds in my third-eye chakra. It is not painful, but is extremely noticeable.
“An open third-eye chakra terrorized little Bobby.” Keith’s shares insights that resonate deeply with my heart.
Masculine Possibilities
“I want you to take strong note of something here.” Keith guides me briefly. “Bobby is masculine energy, and you are allowing him to assist and work with you in your heart.”
“This is really big for you.” Keith congratulates me.
As I ponder about Keith’s words, I intuitively sense the profound truth in what he is saying.
“No wonder Bobby has taken so long to involve himself in my processing.” I ponder. “No wonder he has remained isolated from my heart. He has been patiently waiting for me to first allow masculine energy possibilities to open up.”
Avoiding Interaction
In her own process, Kathy mentions to Keith how she has been shy throughout her life.
“Where did that shyness originate?” I feel guided to interrupt Kathy’s process.
As Kathy traces her shyness into her childhood, my own emotional memories begin to surface and resonate. I too was a very shy child. While I cannot place a location or date on the memories, I remember repeatedly hiding behind my mother’s leg while hearing one of my parents jokingly apologize – both to grandparents and/or strangers – telling them that I was shy. They thought my shyness was cute – but I was terrified.
“It was because I felt their energy and it hurt!” The emotional memories suddenly flash intuitively into my heart. “And I learned at a very young age to not try to explain that I hurt when around the dense energies of others.”
“Yes,” I ponder with great insight. “I was shy because I was trying to avoid interacting with the painful energies of other people.”
Earning The Trust
While Keith works further with Kathy, I find my mind drifting deeply into the concept of leadership fears – and of how the fears that remain are indeed inner issues projected outward. As I further ponder the mail-room employee metaphor that I described in “Leadership of Love”, I am pulled deeply into my own experiences at the last software company where I worked.
I remained at that engineering firm for more than eighteen years. I loved the first years that I worked there … but gradually, upper management began to make decisions that alienated the trust of their long-term workers. Every two or three years a new CEO would take over, organize huge rallies to get everyone on board, and would then proceed to make the situation even worse.
It only took a few such leadership changes to realize that it was all just “more of the same.” When a new CEO came in, I would just yawn, keep doing my job, and ignore the whole situation. I became so disillusioned by management promises that I was not going to waste my time even listening until someone above me proved that they were serious about really improving things.
Suddenly, while pondering this metaphor, I realize that this is how my own inner energies feel about me. I am their CEO, and I abandoned them a very long time ago. Repeatedly I have come in with new enthusiasm, new changes, new goals, new leadership, etc., and repeatedly I have let them down. They are so apathetic toward my lack of leadership that they have taken a “wait and see attitude” – continuing to not trust me until I do something to actually earn that precious trust.
A Healed Higher Self?
Bobby, Sharon, and my other inner energies simply don’t trust my management record. I cannot just walk in, pretend to be sincere, hold a pep rally, make new promises, and then go about business as usual. In order to win their trust, I need to be real and genuine. I need to listen to their whispers – to REALLY listen to them, to get to know them at a deeply personal level. Yes, I am their leader, but I need to approach that leadership as their trusted guide – earning their trust.
I need to be their loving Higher Self, guiding and serving them with love, fulfilling my function without being dictatorial. In order to win their love and trust, I need to heal myself.
Soon, Keith and I drift into a beautiful rational mind discussion of leadership and Higher Self issues.
“Keith,” I ask curiously, “since I am the Higher Self to my inner energies, and being that I am so messed up right now, does that mean that my own Higher Self is also as equally messed up at whatever level she is at?”
“No, Brenda,” Keith smiles as he lovingly reassures me. “Your Higher Self has already done all of this healing work and is in a very good position to help you.”
Trust The Process
As I continue meditating, I find myself getting very distracted. Since I will be gone for portions of three months, I need to pay three months rent before I leave San Marcos. My landlord is in Italy for two months, so the only person I can pay is his young helper that lives here in town. Suddenly, my meditation is flooded with obsession about these fears.
“What if I pay the rent to Manuel (not his real name),” I ponder with anxiety, “and then Manuel lies to my landlord, saying that I never paid? It would be a nightmare to return in September and find my apartment occupied by someone else because of such confusion and dishonesty.”
“Keith, what should I do with all of this mental chatter?” I ask for insight. “Is it possible that this distraction is part of my process?”
“Yes,” Keith surprises me by backing up my intuition, “it is part of your process. Go deeper into it.”
An Old Pattern
As I banter a few ideas back and forth with Keith, I finally take the intuitive insights back to their source. I return to the emotional pain of a young child who is terrified of not being believed.
“I paid the rent.” I can feel this adult child hypothetically pleading with his parental landlords. “Why won’t you listen to me? … I am telling the truth … please hear me … please just let me explain … you don’t understand …”
The situation of today is completely different, but comes right down to the potential of my inner integrity being questioned by someone in authority who refuses to believe my genuine heart – who dismisses my honesty and will not let me explain.
The emotional fears being shown to me (regarding three months of rent) are the same exact fears of a young boy trying to explain his psychic intuitions to his parents. This is just another example, being given to me in meditation, of how I continue to run this fearful pattern in every-day life.
Be The Loving Leader
“I have some homework for you.” Keith tells me as our session approaches conclusion.
Keith then guides me to focus on developing a deep loving relationship with Sharon and Bobby, doing for them what my own parents could not do for me – taking on the role of the loving adult that can comfort them, and that can validate and love them.
“You are the adult that needs to make them feel heard, listened to, believed, and understood, etc.” Keith guides me. “You are the adult that can help them heal their childhood pain.”
Pending Processing
“You are going to have some beautiful growth experiences this summer.” Keith reassures me as our conversation shifts to my leaving later in the week for a two-month visit back home.
“Yeah, I am going to be immersed back into western culture, interacting with family and friends who are at varying degrees of still being attached to that environment.” I share insights regarding what I am about to face.
“It will be a huge integration of you taking your growth and progress back home with you.” Keith reassures me. “You will be sharing your experiences and insights with others, dealing with whatever triggers come up, and testing your own healing to see how you handle it.”
“When you come back,” Keith smiles lovingly, “you will have done major growth and processing. You will not be the same person.”
I know Keith is right, and I am eager and excited to go home for the summer. Yet part of me is frightened, wondering how I will meet the high expectations that I am already setting for myself.
Into The Flow
Monday evening, after spending several hours passionately writing, I switch gears again by assisting in the bagging process of two-hundred pounds of freshly ground cacao.
Tuesday, as I publish “Leadership of Love”, excitement fills my veins. I am now only two days behind in my writing.
I simply giggle, however, because I know that I have two more ceremonies this week, and a lot of cleaning and packing to take care of.
“I will just write when I write.” I allow myself to let go of perfectionistic goals. “Maybe I will catch up during my travels of the next two weeks.”
I love how I am simply relaxing into the flow – and I am so deeply excited to see where this flow guides me as I enter yet another phase of my journey this summer.
A Life Transition
I am also very thrilled that my emotional processing seems to have risen to a whole new level. I am beginning to glean great insights from situations while not needing to wallow as much in the emotional depths.
“I am ready to take on this next phase of my life.” I giggle with determination. “And I am excited to transition into a period where I get to play with what I have learned in so many different ways.”
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved