After lovingly guiding my chocolate-treasure through customs in Charlotte, North Carolina, I quickly check the airport monitors for status on my connecting flight to Phoenix, Arizona. To my surprise, that flight to Phoenix is ninety-minutes delayed. Seconds later, I am standing at a help counter, joyfully asking for advice.
“What do I do?” I ask the kind clerk behind the counter. “I will surely miss my connection in Phoenix … is there anything you can do to help?”
Soon, the clerk transfers me onto a flight to San Francisco on a different airline, simultaneously rerouting my two checked bags. The new flight includes a short layover, after which I will arrive in Salt Lake City at about the same time as my original plans.
As I approach the departure gate for San Francisco, I can only giggle as I note that this new flight is now itself delayed by forty-five minutes. Now I will surely miss my connection in San Francisco and end up spending the night there. I would much rather spend the night in Phoenix where I could most likely visit with my dear friend Susan.
I only giggle when I again ask the ticket clerk for assistance.
“Oh, it looks like your original flight to Phoenix is now on schedule again.” The woman eagerly shares with me. “Run … run as fast as you can to gate so-and-so … the flight is boarding right now. I will take care of all the details for you while you are running.”
To my delight, I barely make it onto my Phoenix flight with five minutes to spare.
“But what about my luggage?” I suddenly giggle after being in the air for about ten minutes. “Surely my bags are now on their way to San Francisco … and they will miss their connection. I can’t wait to ponder the possible reasons as to why all of this is happening.”
I love the feeling of being unattached … of simply accepting everything that happens and of then lovingly searching for the clues as to what the message might be.
A Temporary Home
As my plane draws ever nearer to Phoenix, the captain soon comes on the loudspeaker and announces that we are going into a holding pattern … and that our landing in Phoenix will be delayed by approximately thirty minutes. I cannot help but wonder if maybe I am simply supposed to spend the night in Phoenix. After all, I really would love to see my friend Susan.
To my surprise, however, I barely make my final connection and am soon lifting off yet-again, back in the air headed for the beautiful state of Utah, right on schedule.
For thirty minutes I hangout in the baggage claim area – repeatedly searching the incoming bags from both the Phoenix and the San Francisco flights. Nothing … nada … there are no bags to be found with my name on them.
It is nearly midnight when my dear friend Michelle picks me up in my own car … my trusty little Toyota Camry that has been stored in her son’s garage for over two years.
“Am I really home in Utah?” I pinch myself with eager curiosity.
The whole experience feels surreal, even contrived.
My dear friend Jeanette has graciously offered me a private room in her cozy little home – a space where I can blow up an air mattress and spread out my well-worn sleeping bag – a space that I can call my own for the next nine weeks.
It is early morning on Tuesday, July 19. It has been a long journey, but I am finally here in my new temporary home, excited to discover what is next. Less than an hour after touching down on the dark tarmac of Salt Lake City, my car is parked in Jeanette’s driveway, and I am sound asleep in my comfortable little space.
A Tale Of Two Bags
By 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning I am back at the Salt Lake City airport, eagerly scanning the incoming baggage from two morning flights – one from Phoenix and one from San Francisco. To my delight, after 20 minutes of waiting, I hit the jackpot. My luggage gently slides down a ramp and back into my life. Sure enough, it has arrived on the San Francisco flight. My precious chocolate has been found, and it is … well, it is … quite damaged might be an appropriate way to put it.
A couple of straps are missing, having been literally ripped off from my backpack, and the contents have been so jostled around that about half of the one-pound bags of chocolate have been broken and/or partially crumbled. I do not even notice until later, but one of the zipper-pulls on my large suitcase has also been broken off. The baggage handlers on those San Francisco flights must have been having an emotionally difficult day.
For the next hour, I walk back and forth between the baggage clerks for the two different airlines – neither of which wants to accept responsibility for what happened. Through it all, I remain loving and non-confrontational, simply vibrating at a high frequency and asking the right questions. Finally, a loving resolution is peacefully achieved.
Part of me wonders if perhaps my dead backpack is a message – is it time to release my backpack and return to traditional luggage? An inner giggle tells me I will just have to wait and see.
In the meantime, I lovingly spread my badly damaged one-pound bags of chocolate out in the warm Utah sun, allowing them all to re-melt just enough so that I can allow them to re-harden again as solid units – appearing almost as good as new.
It takes a couple of weeks, but I finally discover an overnight package on the front porch. To my delight, my repaired backpack is waiting inside, as good as new, still smelling like delicious crumbled chocolate.
Computer Craziness
I spend most of Tuesday sorting through my stored belongings – finally I discover what I am searching for: An older fifteen-inch laptop computer with cables, an almost new pillow, and a few extra clothes and sandals to wear. After becoming sufficiently sweaty and dirty, working for hours while lifting boxes into and out of a cramped stairwell, I brush off the excess dirt and enjoy a beautiful dinner with several friends.
Over the course of the next few weeks, I ride the emotional roller coaster as I attempt to solve ongoing computer issues – sometimes attempting to stubbornly push the river – other times simply drifting lovingly with the calm and peaceful flow.
First, I must solve my connectivity issue. It seems that the wireless at Jeanette’s house only remains functional for about five minutes at a time. I cannot fathom spending nine weeks trying to connect with the world under such ego-frustrating circumstances. Within two days, I have purchased and installed a replacement DSL modem and wireless router. The first problem is now solved – but ego definitely participated in the process, throwing in a significant dose of stress and anxiety.
After dragging my little eight-inch Netbook computer to several computer shops, I finally resolve myself to the fact that my trusty travel companion will never be returning to my faithful service. I do at least manage to get the data off her hard drive before donating her to a recycling service.
After a mind-boggling search through the new technologies that have surfaced over the last two years, I finally resolve to simply upgrade my trusty fifteen-inch laptop. It will be nice to have a full-size keyboard on which to write when I return to Guatemala. Soon, my new travel companion sports an expanded 500 gigabyte hard drive, and her software is all polished and up to date.
These few weeks stretch me to the limits of sanity as I grapple with internal resistance over the culture shock of dealing with expensive computer shops and retail outlets. I manage to maintain external peace, but parts of me silently simmer in shock and rebellion.
Not Getting Lost
But my cultural stress is not limited to the realm of technology. Ego judgments constantly scream in my head as I encounter higher prices and materialism everywhere I go. I want to simply love and accept, but a powerful ego-part-of-me resists with frustration and anxiety as I silently mumble to myself about $50.00 gas tanks, restaurant prices that are 20% to 50% higher, etc…
Material consumerism, which seemed so normal and everyday before beginning my travels, now seems so strange and foreign. On the one hand, I love the quick and easy availability of anything material that I would like to purchase or consume – but on the other hand, I deeply miss the laid-back life where I can subsist on simple and inexpensive pleasures, needing next-to-nothing for daily living.
Part of me even begins to panic about my financial situation, reminding me that if I were ever to return fulltime to this rapid-pace society, that I would be monetarily strapped to keep up. The thought of having to re-enter what now seems like a futile and worldly rat-race makes me extremely anxious.
I clearly recognize that my budding stress and anxiety are an “inside job” – being my own projections onto the world that I create around me. I know that I am simply projecting fears and judgments onto something that is otherwise perfect, exactly as it needs to be for my continued growth.
My heart whispers that part of my profound growth this summer will be related to finding peace while living in and among this world of illusion – learning to happily function in this hypnotic world without becoming lost in its trance.
Time For Me
On Thursday, July 21, only three days after arriving in Utah, I am approaching a state of full emotional meltdown. While not having made any official plans, I have become quite attached to the idea of going on a two-week road trip next week to visit a couple of friends in Arizona, and California.
It seems that everything is stressful and falling apart and I can barely keep my head above the rough emotional waves. Later Thursday evening, as I blubber through my tears while talking on the phone to Susan, my friend in the Phoenix area, she makes one point perfectly clear.
“Brenda,” Susan lovingly becomes my life-coach, “I want you to center and take care of yourself – we will somehow get to see each other this summer – but right now you need to take some time for you.”
Releasing all attachment to the desired road-trip works wonders on my soul.
Peace And Giggles
Friday morning, I take my dear friend Susan’s words to heart. After consuming a full ounce-and-a-half of chocolate, I peacefully rest while participating in four hours of blissful meditation – after which I rest some more while peacefully taking care of several miscellaneous errands.
On Saturday, I again meditate in peace before enjoying the magic of the new Harry Potter movie with my dear friend Michelle. This is my second opportunity to immerse myself in this magical ending to a magical story – the first having been on opening day while I was visiting in Cozumel just last week.
Saturday evening I am treated to a fantastic opportunity to calm and settle myself. It is the birthday party for one of my precious granddaughters – one whom I had barely met when she was two weeks old. For the first time in nearly two years, I am blessed to be around the beautiful energy of most of my dear children and grandchildren. My heart swells with gratitude as I giggle and play with several of the older grandchildren down in the playroom.
My past-year fears about family prove to have been silly, without merit. While still somewhat awkward, the energy I experience when interacting with my beautiful children is nothing but love and acceptance.
Peace and giggles fill my heart as I finally drift to sleep late on Saturday night. My first week in Utah has been quite the roller coaster ride.
Flowing Chocolate
Sunday, July 24, I perform my first official Utah chocolate ceremony with a group of three friends.
Fear and self-doubt knock at my door as the ceremony prepares to get underway. I graciously thank these uninvited ego-visitors before lovingly letting them know that they are welcome to remain if they wish, but that I will not be catering to them.
For only being my second-ever time of serving chocolate to others, I am quite proud of my loving confidence. One person in particular has a powerful experience. Two days later, I break my cardinal rule about not doing chocolate with complete strangers. On Tuesday evening, July 26, my friend returns with his Kundalini Yoga teacher, who in turn has a beautiful and powerful chocolate experience of her own. The following Tuesday, Aug 2, I am facilitating a ceremony of twelve – me, my friend, the Yoga teacher, her yoga-teacher-trainer class, and several of the teacher’s friends.
As I stare around the room, I confidently facilitate a beautiful and powerful ceremony. Fear and doubt repeatedly attempt to nudge me, but as I refuse to entertain their pesky interruptions, they eventually fade away.
By the end of that beautiful evening, I have confidently guided many individual meditations, assisted with repeated emotional release, and even performed an empath training with nine of the people in the group.
It is only later that fear and doubt return, repeatedly attempting to convince me that I messed up, that I made mistakes, that I could have – no, make that should have – done better, blah, blah, blah.
While the pesky little doubts continue to poke me in the ribs for a few more days, my heart swells with gratitude at such a beautiful experience. I faced my fears and I learned that I am fully capable of holding space and guiding a larger group through a beautiful chocolate ceremony.
It seems that I have begun to experience a pattern – one that will continue throughout the summer. After sharing chocolate with one person, that experience lovingly flows into sharing with yet another person … and another … and another.
A Shaman Dude
On Friday, July 29, I follow intuitive guidance – participating in a beautiful channeling session. My friend Trish was instrumental a few years ago in helping me connect with the powerful symbolism of three spiritual guides that repeatedly showed up during several sessions – symbolism that has synchronously guided me through much of my Journey of the past two years.
Imagine my surprise when Trish announces that there is a “Shaman dude” hanging out in my field. My three guides who have been so prominent are nowhere to be found during today’s beautiful session.
“Wow, your wings are really spread,” Trish exclaims as she describes that she is being shown an image of a bird with its wings spread wide to the sides, similar to a common statue of the Ancient Egyptian Goddess Isis that Trish has on her bookshelf – but in this image Trish sees a bird and not a woman.
As Trish talks further about the Shaman dude, she eventually clarifies that I am surrounded by ancient Mayan and/or Incan imagery. She indicates that I have manifested this little Shaman to hang out with me – that he is actually ‘me’ in a different dimension – and that he is here to help me wake up to the Shaman that I already am.
“You don’t need lessons on how to do it because you already are it.” Trish continues. “It is a matter of trusting and knowing that your technique, however you express it, is going to be different from that of everybody else. There is no need to take lessons, it is just a matter of doing it … and if you’re not sure what the heck shamanism is, he (the Shaman dude) will show you.”
Later, after I explain regarding my chocolate adventures with Keith, Trish adds, “Don’t get stuck in his (Keith’s) techniques … you are just here to wake up your own (techniques)”.
I smile inside when I contemplate that this is exactly what Keith has been teaching me all along. He is not teaching me how to do things his way; Instead, Keith is teaching me how to get out of my own way, so that my own inner magic can wake up.
Surprise Feedback
I am shocked several weeks later (in late August) when I am doing a ceremony with eight very psychically gifted people. As one well-known psychic in the Salt Lake Area is talking to me, she suddenly begins to directly refer to me as being a Shaman.
“Whoa,” I exclaim with a resistant smile, “I am not a Shaman yet. Yes, I have been told that I have a Shaman dude hanging out with me … but I am still working on connecting with him and in waking up that magical awareness.”
“I am calling you a Shaman because I can see him hanging out with you, right there.” The woman replies as she points above my right shoulder.
Another extremely intuitive young man quickly interrupts and adds, “Actually, I see two Shamans, one on each side of you.”
“Yeah, so do I,” yet another very connected man adds as he too nods his head.
I am blown away!
How I wish that I could actually feel a discernable personal connection with this Shaman dude that is me. I find it hard to deny, since four different people have now confirmed that they can see his/their energy in my field. I am excited to further explore the opening of this intimate awareness as my own inner magic continues to blossom.
Watch And Learn
The final weekend in July brings two amazing confidence-building experiences with chocolate.
In the first, while sharing chocolate with a dear friend, I am shocked when she suddenly takes over the ceremony while I simply hold space with my jaw half-way to the floor.
The chocolate has taken her to such a deep state of connection with her guides that she is communicating directly with them. For more than an hour, she fills me in on her amazing journey as she tells me what they are doing, where they are doing it, and why they are doing it – things like rearranging energy in her field, clearing out old unnecessary baggage, and filling her with more light, etc…
I simply watch and learn, as my loving confidence soars.
When Is It My Turn?
Later that same day, I am sharing chocolate with two other dear friends. After what turns out to be a very different, but confidence-building ceremony, I offer to drive one friend home. When I drop her off at 9:00 p.m., I indicate that I am starved, and am going out for a roast-beef sandwich.
Instantly, my dear friend offers to come with me. To my shock, about thirty minutes into our yummy dinner conversation, my dear friend suddenly shifts into some type of self-realization/other-dimension experience.
To both her amazement, and to my own, she begins to talk about herself in the third person and shares wonderful beautiful insights about how she suddenly sees the truth about the divine loving being of light that she is. We are both shedding joyful tears as this conversation goes deeper and deeper over the next half hour.
“I am so jealous.” I lovingly express to my dear friend when her beautiful experience is nearing an end. “When is it my turn? My friends are lighting up and here I am, continuing to struggle to feel and connect with my own higher guidance in a more concrete way.”
A Safe And Loving Environment
“I don’t know where this is coming from,” my dear friend then begins to speak as if channeling, “but I’m being guided to tell you that your role is to hold space for others, to help them quiet their mind so that they can receive what they need to receive directly from their own guides. Your special gift right now, Brenda, is to witness it. Your time will come … but for now you get to be blessed with the opportunity to witness and observe the growth in others.”
As I begin to feel deeply humbled and blessed by my friend’s beautiful words, my mind suddenly remembers a portion of my sacred personal mission statement.
As I sat by a waterfall in July 2004, I had prayerfully sought out a sequence of words that would give a poetic description to my life purpose. While meditating with genuine love, these beautiful words flowed powerfully through my heart.
“I will compose and perform the special music I hear in my own heart, creating a safe and loving environment where others feel inspired and empowered to discover and to perform their own beautiful music.”
“Thank you for reminding me of that.” I tearfully express gratitude to my dear friend. “Your words literally mirror what I have always strived to achieve. My job is indeed to create a safe and loving environment – one of holding high vibrational loving space – so that others can connect directly with their own higher guidance, receiving their own direct answers – their own divinely-inspired beautiful music.”
“Yes, it is a beautiful gift to participate in such an amazing experience as yours,” I emphasize to my dear friend. “And I totally know that my own deeper intuitive connections will happen at exactly the perfect time for me.”
Subtle Depression
It is Thursday, August 4, 2011, as I again reach a point of near emotional meltdown. Two days have passed since my first large chocolate ceremony with twelve people.
I am feeling very lonely and off-task. Feelings of self-doubt, confusion, fear, and disconnection have gradually worked their way into my heart. I know these feelings are nothing but ego lies, but nevertheless, I am still feeling them.
When I came home to Utah, I had visions of doing chocolate almost every day with my closest of friends, deeply assisting in their inner work, helping those I love to have the same types of beautiful healing experience that I have had.
Yes, I have indeed had a few amazing sessions of sharing chocolate with several friends and even a couple of groups of strangers – but most of my first few weeks are consumed with mundane and almost depressing errands – computer upgrades, clothes shopping, address changes, new debit and credit cards, auto insurance, car maintenance, etc. This is not how I envisioned spending my time in the states. I deeply want to do something more meaningful. I want to share my gifts and receive much needed feedback. A sense of mild depression is settling in as I sink further into poor-me attachments.
For one reason or another, my friends have been mostly unavailable, either due to travel, work, family situations, or illness. I wish I could just call up and insist that I am coming over to share chocolate, but I know in my heart that this would be pushing the river. No – I will only share chocolate when it is personally requested.
But I also intuitively feel that a couple of friends are holding back, wanting to do more, but not asking because they don’t want to be a burden to what they perceive as my busy schedule.
“How do I suggest to my friends that I want to share more chocolate without pushing the river?” I ponder in confusion.
It seems that my ego has painted a very sad and grim picture of how victimized I am. I simply cannot win. Poor, pitiful me.
I spend the entire morning simply vegetating, wasting my time by watching boring television, losing myself deeper into depressing thoughts and emotions.
Finally, responding to a feeling of near starvation, I set out in search of fast food.
Know Thyself
But first, I hesitatingly follow guidance to dial the number of a friend. The moment she answers and inquires, “How are you doing?” I burst into uncontrollable tears.
My emotions have been gradually building pressure. The cork has now unexpectedly burst, and the results are exploding all over the place in the form of painful sobs.
My dear friend genuinely attempts to console me by offering several options of what she could do to help me feel better – but I find it difficult to explain that what I really need to do is dive into these emotions – to feel them to the very core – not to fix them by doing something to make them all better.
My emotions are intensely overwhelming and I recognize that I am about to enter an old pattern of self-sabotaging behavior – one where I simply isolate and vegetate for a few days. But rather than losing myself in this experience, I instead make a conscious choice, allowing myself to jump into the loop with my eyes wide open.
Yes, I will go through the same motions of hiding out in movie theatres, crying, sleeping, etc – but I will observe myself every step of the way, giving myself permission to feel while learning about what I do. I will turn the entire experience into an adventure of “Know thyself.”
But my plan backfires in a good way – much better than I could ever have expected. As I walk out of a movie theatre late on Thursday afternoon, I am still feeling the same self-doubts, fears, distraction, and confusion … but suddenly a new round of positive thoughts and feelings flood my awareness.
I am intuitively guided to profound insights that I recently internalized regarding ego – insights that ingrained themselves into my soul earlier this year while still writing in San Marcos.
“I am a divine being, of divine origin.” I remind myself with loving confidence. “I know this to be true. Any voice that tells me I am separate, small, stupid, disconnected, afraid, or confused – any such voice is a lie.”
“None of those untrue voices would ever come from Source.” I ponder with powerful light and clarity. “Such deceptive voices would only come from a clever little ego – an ego hiding inside of my head, masquerading as me, pretending to be me.”
Giggles fill my heart as I watch all of my former feelings of self-doubt, distraction, confusion, and fear literally melt into nothingness – as if they were ice cubes brought out into the warm sunlight. My insights have resonated so profoundly that the ego thoughts are simply unable to exist when exposed to the light of truth.
Perfect Timing
I can only laugh at how the Universe works.
Before being granted my wish of doing substantial inner work with friends, I first needed to work through emotional issues related to my own attachments and negative self-talk. How could I possibly help others while wallowing in my own ‘yucky stuff’?
Suddenly, the wand has been waved, and my wishes all come true. Before I know what happened, my calendar begins to fill up quite nicely.
I spend the entire day on Sunday enjoying delightful spiritual conversations with one friend while we engage in nearly non-stop inner work. On Monday, I do much of the same with yet another friend. Then, to my delight and surprise, a third friend asks if I will do chocolate with her on Tuesday afternoon.
As Tuesday, August 9, 2011 works its way into the history books, I am giggly and delighted, overflowing with love and joy. Yes, I have ridden another difficult emotional roller coaster, filled with rapid ups, downs, and sharp unexpected curves – yet a sense of peace now rules supreme.
Somehow, I know that I have made it through the major tough spots, that it is now time to enjoy the rest of my summer – to reconnect with more and more friends with whom I have as-of-yet avoided connecting – to further shine my magical light – to expand my explorations into why I was guided to return home.
But first, I intuitively know that it is now time to play. All the pieces of my desired road-trip have finally fallen right into place – and the timing is indeed perfect.
Tomorrow afternoon I will be playing on the north rim of the Grand Canyon.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved