After three beautiful days of passionate writing, energy-filled meditating, and even watching a movie or two, Sunday morning, October 16, begins with a bang – literally.
At 4:00 a.m., two loud firework bombs explode in the air, perhaps seventy-five yards from my apartment. Then, at 4:30 a.m., a third bomb explodes loudly, shattering me yet-again out of an almost-sleeping state. I can only grin when music immediately begins to play loudly through the air – music that persists until around 6:30 a.m.. Today turns out to one of those frequent obscure holidays celebrated by the local Catholic Church.
“Something big and noisy is coming in my healing path.” I ponder with a nervous giggle.
Questioning Reality
Shortly before leaving Utah, I began reading a book by Carlos Castaneda titled “The Art of Dreaming.” The book synchronously stumbled into my life as I visited with my dear friend Rose. She was in the midst of giving away most of her belongings in preparation for her own new journey of following heart – and as it fell from a stack of books onto her floor, that little book caught my attention and energetically screamed, “Read me.” In quick response, Rose lovingly donated the worn paperback to its new owner – me.
Throughout the morning, I devour the final pages. Every word seems to reinforce my intuitive recognition that even the physical reality in which we live is nothing more than a very convincing projection of the mind – a Star trek holodeck of sorts – a dream-like state in which I have been stuck for so long that I rarely even question it.
As I stroll out toward Keith’s magical porch for a Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I study everything around me with new fascination, reminding myself that the reality I experience – every person and object – is my creation. I literally feel as if I am in an altered state of consciousness. Though left-brain logical thinking continues to throw up huge roadblocks, I feel my reality consciousness continually shifting … questioning.
Tears of joyful emotion lightly water my eyes as I eagerly explain my insights to Keith while standing in his kitchen before the ceremony begins.
Hide And Go Seek
As I surrender all resistance while attempting to smile and giggle into the glow meditation, I begin to feel tight, agitated, pressure manifesting in my solar plexus. In short order, the pains soon migrate to my now all-too-familiar “nail-in-my-heart” spot, piercing deep into my heart chakra with physical persistence.
Breathing deeply, I attempt to inhale these painful energies into my heart, transmuting them with love. The pains taunt me, playing hide-and-go-seek, toying with me as they intensify and then fade, dancing from one location to the next.
Yet their teasing activities also make one thing quite clear, “The fact that these pains so freely move around my body leaves little room for doubt … they are definitely energy manifestations, playfully demanding my attention.”
Intuitively I recognize the strong and uncomfortable message, especially from the pain at the center of my heart chakra. Serious fears and deep sadness continue to hide inside of me, attempting to evade my awareness.
Surrender
“Don’t judge or try to fix.” I continually remind myself as the pain continues to move around in my solar plexus and heart regions.
A strong part of me complains, wanting to be done with the seeming-endless process of repeatedly delving into these elusive pains, whining and judging that I have already processed these emotions and they should not still be here.
“Push them down, ignore them.” This part of me argues repeatedly.
Choosing to surrender and simply follow the process placed in front of me, I ignore dissenting inner voices and allow myself to begin sinking into, and intuitively connecting with the pain.
Pure And Genuine Intentions
As the pain intensifies inside of me, new insights remind me of many powerful experiences on Keith’s magical porch – of repeated times in which I had persistently stepped back from the clutches of powerful and emotionally painful experiences. They were experiences in which I became the observer, while simultaneously imagining my physical self on the stage of the Muppet Show or on a movie screen. They were experiences where this sense of observer-consciousness had gradually allowed me to wake up from quick-sand-like struggles – nightmare-like emotions that had me stuck and sinking in the clutches of ego victimization and judgment.
“Of course,” I remind myself as I recall my powerful morning of reading. “This is all a profound dream.”
It suddenly becomes obvious that my little inner child Bobby is energetically running around in my abdomen, hopelessly lost in the dream of having been victimized and shutdown as a fourteen-month-old toddler.
“I just need to help tiny Bobby wake up from his painful nightmare in much the same way that I myself have found frequent relief.” I ponder with delight.
I am motivated by the most genuine and pure of intentions.
Pushing Forward
Soon, I have lovingly put little fourteen-month-old Bobby up on a metaphorical stage. As I sit in the audience, surrounded by the energy of all of my deceased ancestors, we cheer on this beautiful little toddler, reminding him that his painful shutdown is all a massive dream – a nightmare of sorts – and that he can wake up and simply let go of the pains and fears that continue to energetically cripple him.
Excitement swells in my heart as I giggle, believing that this is really going to work, that we can simply wake up from the shutdown by recognizing it as being no more real than a dream.
Repeatedly, those of us in the metaphorical audience call out in loving support, encouraging this little baby to wake up, to remember who he really is, to see the silliness of the emotional nightmare that has him trapped.
As my heart continues to push me forward in this well-intentioned effort, I energetically experience a great deal of Bobby’s continued fear, terror, and sadness. I allow these emotions to flow through me in the form of muffled tears while continuing to push forward on this genuine inspired journey.
Wise Tidbits
In the meantime, as usual, I listen to everything that Keith does elsewhere on the porch. I watch with interest as he performs a physical demonstration to make a teaching point. Keith gently grabs the hand of one woman in the group, and then repeatedly pushes and then pulls her arm forward and backward. Keith then explains that if the woman engages him in this silly tug-of-war battle, even if she appears to win, that she ends up playing his game, ultimately giving her energy to him.
“The only way to end a battle,” Keith makes his point, “is to no longer play the game.”
Soon Keith teaches something else that I already believe profoundly, namely that when we attempt to protect ourselves, that we are, in essence, attracting the very thing that we don’t want. Keith emphasizes his point using the metaphor of Velcro – explaining that when we attempt to protect, it is as if we are placing an energetically designed shield of Velcro out in front of us. While it does indeed protect us, the shield also attracts the other half of the Velcro to come and stick to us, strengthening our need for protection from the very thing we are attracting.
What Was I Thinking?
The next thing I observe while continuing my own personal journey, is that Keith conducts an empath training with five people on the porch.
“I’m going to have Bobby participate in this training all by himself.” The brilliant idea pops into my head, before adding the afterthought, “And I’ll also have little Sharon and my friend Peter’s inner child hold his hand for support.”
As I sit in the metaphorical audience with the energies of all my ancestors, we cheer on fourteen-month-old Bobby, telling him that he can do this, calling out and encouraging him to face his fears, trying to build up his courage and confidence.
By phase two of the training, I am crying profusely as I sense little Bobby’s deep energetic agitation and trauma … but I keep pushing and pushing.
“Come on Bobby.” I use my mind to call out. “You can do this. It is just a dream. Wake up to who you really are.”
“What was I thinking?”
Making Everything Worse
Throughout this process, tears and deep emotions flow through me. Even though I sense Bobby’s terror and trauma, I continue to push, genuinely believing that the end will be happy and joyous – that through our loving support, those of us in the metaphorical audience can help Bobby to wake up from his nightmare. My heart remains pure and well intentioned.
Meanwhile, Keith finally finishes his first journey around the porch, turning to work with me at last.
“Allow her to connect with you, so she can help to release the fears that are building inside of you.” Keith unexpectedly guides me while pointing at the woman sitting beside me. “And while you are at it, ask your Higher Self to assist as well.”
Sitting in this river of love and assistance from others, trying to sooth the out-of-control fears of an innocent fourteen-month-old inner child, I suddenly recognize what I have been doing. In my zealous eagerness to help, I have alienated someone I love. Within seconds, I silently begin to flog myself with intense self-judgment and name-calling.
“I have seriously messed up everything, traumatizing my own precious inner child.” I ponder in extreme pain. “I tried to help and just made everything worse.”
Re-living The Pain
Immediately I flash to the horrible self-inflicted emotions that I passed through last June when I did a very similar thing to my friend Debbie. In a series of several emails – well intentioned communications in which I tactfully tried to teach what I saw as a higher truth – I ended up nearly destroying a friendship.
At that time, Keith had referred to what I had done as a ‘psychological fart’ – explaining that I was just passing through the “visible and smelly” experience of healing my own deeply-rooted projections at someone else’s expense – something that most every healer needs to eventually go through.
In the process of the several days it took to heal that embarrassing pain, I unearthed and believed myself to have healed a deeply rooted core issue. It was a childhood-based loop of feeling misunderstood and of desperately needing to explain myself – but without fail, the harder I tried to explain and speak my truth, the worse things ended up.
“I just repeated that painful loop.” I flog myself some more. “I just exploded a psychological fart all over my own inner child. I have traumatized little Bobby, and he is now in deep pain.”
No Longer Playing
For at least fifteen minutes, I spiral down the rabbit hole of self-flogging. Finally, I come to my spiritual senses and recognize that I am deeply stuck in an ego loop.
“I’m onto you ego.” I declare with confidence. “I’m onto your lies, I know the truth, and you are not going to win.”
For the next thirty minutes, I struggle increasingly. It seems that the more I concentrate on making ego wrong and a liar – the stronger and more overwhelming those self-destructive voices become. I cannot seem to stop their onslaught.
Suddenly it hits me as I remember Keith’s earlier tidbits of wisdom, sharing that when you engage in any battle with an opponent, whether you win or lose, you always end up giving them your energy.
“The only way to end a battle,” Keith had made his point, “is to no longer play the game.”
Disengaging The Preacher
After a quick discussion of my latest insights with Keith, I follow a new strategy. Rather than trying to make ego wrong, I simply thank ego for showing me what I am doing. I no longer feel a need to prove that I am right. While recognizing the higher inner truth of what I know inside, I simply disengage from the crazy-making debate. After several minutes of relaxing, the relentless ego-chatter slowly begins to silence.
While observing this process, I feel guided to remember a street preacher that has noisily wandered by my kitchen window several times in the past week. Rather than running outside to engage that loud and judgment-preaching voice in debate, I had simply ignored the preacher, smiling with a giggle as the well-meaning man walked off into the distance.
Lessons Learned
As my own deep emotions begin to settle, I recognize several powerful lessons.
Once ego’s tricks have been exposed – once a higher truth is recognized and understood – there is no need to debate, argue, or convince. A higher connection to divine truth simply allows the lies to fade away.
There is no need to push the healing river with anyone, not even my own inner child. Others are all perfect exactly where they are. My own projections are what need to be examined and healed.
And it seems that my higher energies continue to create my own reality in amazing ways.
“Brenda,” Keith later shares confidently. “You set up this entire situation as a way to learn the lessons in a manner that was internal – in a way that would not affect anyone outside of yourself – and you did it wonderfully.”
“Congratulations on having had an incredibly powerful session.” Keith shares again as I stand in the street and wave goodbye.
Eyes Wide Open
While I recognize the amazing lessons I have learned, I feel shell-shocked, continuing to experience sadness about the trauma I caused to my precious inner child. Emotions of guilt, and shame continue to rampage in my heart, demanding that I feel terrible for the devastating way in which I trampled on a metaphorical fourteen-month-old toddler.
I am deeply stuck in this loop of self-flogging. The emotional side of me continues to ache and yearn for tearful release.
Refusing to attempt any more “fixing” – refusing to blast the emotions using a metaphorical light cannon or healing ray-gun, I instead opt to be a wise and conscious observer, giving myself permission to experience the deeply engulfing emotions, choosing to learn about the emotions (and about myself) by experiencing them with eyes wide open.
“Don’t think, integrate.” Keith yells out as I walk away, still feeling very glum. “Just eat, go for a walk, take a nap, or read a book.”
“Yes, I don’t need to think or fret about it.” I silently sigh in deep sadness. “The lessons will gel perfectly without me needing to analyze them with my head.”
Play Time
As I near home, a part of me demands that I will spend the evening wallowing in regret and self-pity. But as I walk by the local Catholic Church, a new passion inspires my heart.
A crowd has gathered at a noisy outdoor concert, celebrating their holiday with a Christian band performing delightful, but mostly off-key, music. The beat is catchy, and I begin to dance with giggles as I pass by on the street.
“After dinner, rather than feeling sad, I’m going to dance with abandon.” The delightful idea spins its way into my giggling thoughts.
As planned, after a full plate of rice and beans, I close my blinds, turn off all the lights, switch on my IPOD, and giggle with delight as I dance without inhibitions for the next hour.
Little Bobby and Sharon seem to love this play time – a time of giggly integration – but even after all the dancing, my heart returns to a heavy state as I drift off to sleep. Apparently, deeply rooted emotions continue to fester … but further processing will have to wait.
Allow And Observe
Monday turns into an exhausting journey. At 6:30 a.m., attempted meditation becomes mind-numbing computer browsing. By 8:00 a.m., I am back in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. I want to fight this sadness, to push down the emotional numbness that seems to consume me – but strong intuitions tell me that resistance is not my path.
“Allow yourself to be consumed by this emotional loop.” The Jedi voices whisper silently. “The only way to release this pattern in your life is to ‘know thyself’ – to actually go through the painful pity-party process while simultaneously being the observer.”
It seems I am reliving the futility of feeling that I have failed – that in spite of the most genuine of intentions, I have once again messed everything up.
To The Core
I know these emotions all too well. This intense feeling of hopelessness and futility was all pervasive during the final ten years of my marriage, as repeated attempts to explain and defend my genuine heart only seemed to make things worse.
It is the same loop that I recently traced back to childhood, to the feeling of: “No matter how I try to speak my genuine truth and defend myself to parents, I just seem to make things worse.”
Again, it is the same loop that was triggered when I nearly ruined a friendship with Debbie, just last June – one that was again triggered yesterday afternoon as I inadvertently traumatized a fourteen-month-old inner child, when I was only trying to help.
Yes, it seems that my higher energies have indeed launched me into a journey of “know thyself” – to understand this feeling of hopelessness and futility to its very core.
Sucking Me Deeper
For several hours, I regress deeper and deeper into memories of some of the most painful emotions I have ever experienced.
Deep numbness consumes my soul, negative self-talk screams in my ears, and sadness envelops me.
“I’m stupid … I messed up … I may as well give up and go home … I can’t do this anymore … It is futile … I want to run away and hide … What’s the use in even trying … I’m just going to fail and make an even bigger mess … blah, blah, blah.”
My heart sinks ever deeper into a sense of isolation and hopelessness. I clearly recognize that I am being given a profound glimpse of what happened throughout my life. This glimpse is not one of mental memories, but is instead one of extremely painful emotional understanding. To my dismay, the emotions continue to intensify, to pull me down to long-forgotten depths.
Even though I remain the observer, the emotions are so intense and overwhelming that I feel as if I am sinking in quicksand – as if these emotions are literally sucking me into the clutches of an old “reality.” I begin to fear that I may actually lose myself in this pain.
Impossible To Express
By now, the tears are uncontrollable as tissues pile up beside me. A mind-numbing movie metaphorically continues to play throughout my breaking heart. The role of observer takes a back seat as I profoundly re-experience deep depression and sadness, deeper than I remember ever having felt it. No intuition is required to recognize that this overwhelming sadness consists of forgotten heartache from my teens, my twenties, and especially my thirties.
Agonizing would be an inadequate word to describe the experience. Terrorizing does not even scratch the surface. I feel such all-encompassing sadness that I do not want to go on. Yes, I am re-experiencing near-suicidal feelings of utter emotional exhaustion and repression.
“I want to die,” I grab my computer and begin to type the feelings. “I can’t do this … I can’t be myself without hurting others, those I love dearly … I can’t go on … I want to be dead … The only way I can survive is to be a mental robot … to go to work … to just pretend to do the “right thing. I can’t even cry because that would raise too many questions … too many suspicions … there is so much pain – pain with no outlet to express itself … I have to bury the pain, push it down, suppress this weakness … I have money to earn and a family to support … just suck it up and keep on going …”
The words I type cannot begin to express the emotions flowing through me.
I’m All In
Going ever deeper, I soon re-live the futility and sadness of a period in which I felt literally forced to make an unbearable choice – to continue a path leading toward inevitable death, or to break the hearts of my loved ones. I choose the agonizing path of “life” – a life of being true to my own heart while painfully watching loved ones struggle as a result of my decision.
Even now, four days later, as I write about this painful Monday morning, the tears are again streaming as I attempt to document the emotional pain of re-living this traumatic journey. It is the pain of having to put my entire life on the poker table – of knowing that “to transition and to live as Brenda means possibly losing everything I cherish, everyone I love, and everything I have ever worked for.”
Yes, I had to be “all in,” risking everything in a desperate attempt to keep a tiny spark of light and hope alive in my dying heart.
The easier route of giving up, of slowly withering and dying, of letting that spark fade to a wisp of drifting grey smoke – well that did not really seem like much of an option.
Begging For Help
“Higher Self,” I beg for some relief from the re-lived sadness, “will you please hold and comfort me? … Bobby, are you there? … Someone? … Anyone? … I just want to be held and comforted.”
Tears continue to stream, as I am well beyond my emotional-pain threshold. I cannot go any deeper. I cannot take any more re-living of these memories, but I don’t want to stop too soon, to short-circuit this powerful release.
I never want to have to come back here again. I want to find, access, and release all of this pain, now. I want every one of these traumatic and debilitating emotions out of me, once and for all.
As midmorning arrives, I have reached a state of utter numbness. I can go no further. I can experience no more emotion. I clearly recognize that I am in way over my head. I cannot do this alone. I need help. There is so much buried emotion that the release process itself seems daunting, beyond hopeless.
“Higher Self,” I beg repeatedly while entering a deeper meditation, “please help me … I need help.”
Comforting, Restful Support
Soon I am meditating in my bedroom, visualizing my divine “circle of friends,” sensing their brilliant glowing energy, asking them to surround me, to touch me, to hold me, to assist me in the release process. All the while, I simultaneously visualize myself as a detached observer.
“Bobby,” I plead. “Will you forgive me? Will you help me too?”
Soon, I sense Bobby sitting on my lap as a great deal of tingling energy begins to vibrate throughout my shoulders.
“Of course,” I ponder with clarity. “This metaphor is showing me how it is time to stop carrying the weight of the world … the weight of all that sadness … all by myself.”
I attempt to meditate further, but instead succumb to the effects of emotional exhaustion. After a couple of peanut butter and honey sandwiches (having had no breakfast) I return to bed, and sleep soundly until mid afternoon.
A Mysterious Video
Still exhausted after a long nap, I give myself loving permission to rest, spending the remainder of the day watching two movies on my computer. Around 9:30 p.m., as the second movie finishes playing, I notice a forgotten video file in the “My Videos” folder.
“Hmmm,” I ponder, “I wonder what this is?”
As I click on the file, I am shocked to find a darling little clip of a baby in a high chair, laughing and giggling so hard that I cannot help but laugh and giggle right along with him.
“Where did this video come from?” I ponder with extreme curiosity. “And how did it get left in this folder on my computer?”
I’ve seen the video on Facebook/YouTube once, but am absolutely positive that I never downloaded it. In fact, I do not even know how to download a YouTube video.
Knowing that belly-laughing with Bobby would be a sure sign that I am near completion in this emotional journey, I attempt to watch the darling video a few more times, but half way through the second showing, I begin to cry deep tears of additional emotional release.
“Darn it,” I ponder, “I guess there is more pain left to uncover and experience.”
In desperation, I shut off my computer, recognizing that I am too tired to pursue those tears for now. Soon, I am asleep in dreamland. Wow, do I ever dream.
Silly Synchronicities
While I know I have dreamed countless dreams in the past nine months, I have remembered almost none of them, having recorded only two short dreams in my journal since December 2010.
I am both tired and surprised when, at 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, portions of a vivid dream remain actively dancing around in my head. As I scribble down the memories, only a few of the details make any sense – yet inner voices demand that this is a dream that I need to record.
Even now, the dream itself makes little rational sense – but the symbolism is quite powerful. In the dream, it is raining (emotional release) in an amusement park (my magical theme park). I try to run away but slip and fall as I attempt to climb through a tangle of pipes and cables (the twisted mess of my emotional past). Another man tries to climb the cables, up onto one of the rides, but also slips and falls. Guards quickly run to arrest him (religious authorities trying to keep my magical theme park shut down).
Later, (still in the dream) I receive a surprise letter from a man named Steven or Stefan, explaining a beautiful synchronicity of how he had been eating bread (spiritual food), when, at an exact guided moment, he ran into the park to rescue me. Just as the park guards (religious authorities) had been about to capture me, his synchronous presence had caused them to disappear.
It makes no sense whatsoever as I ponder the synchronicity of Steven/Stefan, but I find great giggly comfort in the thought that the following of synchronicities had prevented me from being captured in my own magical theme park. I also find it quite interesting that this mysterious man reminds me (in physical appearance) a great deal of my friend Anton (from last spring).
I Literally Crashed
But the dreams don’t stop there. At 5:30 a.m., I am recording brief details of three more powerful and vivid messages.
In the first short dream, I am walking through my former spouse’s home, now in a different neighborhood, as she points out the awkwardness of my having moved into a home so close to hers. As I look out the front window, I see my own new home, straight across the street and one house to the left. Feeling embarrassed at having accidently moved this close, I suddenly find myself in a car, attempting to leave the scene – but as I put the car into gear, I immediately crash into the parked car in front of me.
While meditating on this simple dream, I easily recognize that … I got extremely close to the painful emotions of my past marriage and life struggles, and in the process of trying to let go and leave the emotions behind, I literally crashed.
Soccer Balls and Eyeballs
In the second dream, I find myself on the front line of the receiving team in a soccer match. The opposing team kicks the ball right at me. In a desperate attempt to be the hero, I try to field the ball by myself, catching it with my feet. But I miss, and the ball rolls away from me as the opposing team rushes my position, about to swarm and overwhelm me.
Only a simple meditation is required to show me that I had attempted to field the “emotional ball” all by myself – and that I had ignored an entire team standing behind me, supporting me. I should have let the players in my backfield (higher dimensional friends) assist in handling the ball rather than trying to do it all by myself.
In the third simple dream, someone guides me to a young calf that is resting on the ground. As this unseen person gently grasps the calf’s huge head, they show me his left eyeball, carefully pulling back the giant oversized eyelid.
“See how cloudy and obscured the calf’s vision is?” the being telepathically tells me.
As I record this third dream, I clearly remember having been shown the same scene on at least one or two previous occasions (in a dream of course).
Again, the meaning seems quite clear. The vision in my left eye (the feminine/ intuitive/ spiritual side) remains cloudy. It is time to focus on clarifying my spiritual eyesight.
Precious Possessions
Even after four amazing dreams, I continue to feel quite emotionally numb as I ponder whether or not I will attempt to write. It does not take long for me to surrender to the realization that just like Monday, Tuesday, October 18, is going to be another day of emotional processing and release – but this one will not be done all by myself. After consuming an ounce and a half of chocolate with my morning oatmeal, I soon begin to meditate, clueless as to where the journey may take me.
As I attempt to imagine a ball of light that will help me with the emotional release, nothing happens – well nothing but a brick wall of resistance and an intense stream of new tears, as I am again flooded with intense sadness.
As I continue to meditate, determined to utilize some form of higher-energy assistance, a new idea finally delights my consciousness – an idea that first reminds me of another intensely painful period of my life.
A couple of months after being laid off from my software engineering job (at the end of 2007), being blessed with ample time to begin shifting the flow of my entire life, I spent four emotionally-agonizing months cleaning out box after box of old family belongings that came from my father and grandfather.
In my thinking at the time, those precious possessions somehow defined me – having originated from past roots – needing to be preserved and carefully passed down to my children and grandchildren.
A Light Spirit
Many times during that cleansing period, huge emotions surged as I dealt with family memories. I scanned photos, created scrapbooks, converted audiotapes to mp3, doing everything I could think of to preserve and pass on the memories – memories that I more and more came to recognize as my captors. There were many times during that period where I secretly wished my house would burn down. If those boxes no longer existed, I could simply let go of the entire painful process.
I cannot describe the sense of joy when I finally handed sets of DVDs to each of my children – DVDs containing preserved copies of photos and audio materials. Even greater was my newfound sense of freedom when I announced to my children, “Everything in this section of my house is up for grabs. Anything you don’t want will be donated to charity.” A few weeks later, the physical possessions of my ancestral past were gone and my spirit was light.
Emotional Closet Cleaning
“Yes, I will ask the metaphorical angels to come in and help me to clean out the precious possessions in all of my old emotional closets.” I suddenly exclaim with glee.
In several hours of powerful meditation, I wiggle and squirm as I experience the visualizations of thousands of tiny angels, running through my emotional storage vaults, picking up and tossing out old emotional baggage that has subtly defined me for so very long. I have no idea what is being removed and donated to charity as I envision hoses, shovels, jack-hammers, chisels, buckets and brooms – all being eagerly wielded by helpful angels to dismantle and pick through the preciously guarded, sometimes petrified, emotional rubble of my past.
I visualize the process one decade at a time. The stomach agitation is overwhelmingly intense as I ponder those terrifying teen years. The twenties are not quite as bad, but the thirties return to full intensity as I picture ten long years of attempting to find common ground – exploring my gender struggles while striving to maintain a happy family life.
Finally, I ask the angels to sort through childhood and remaining adult issues. As the process intuitively reaches closure, I ask the angels to bring in lights to shine and glow – to transmute storage containers that no longer serve me, or, if they need to remain, to at least fill those containers with high vibrational energy.
Occupy Brenda
Suddenly, this powerful meditation takes an entirely new and unexpected twist. My thoughts flash to a recent fascination in observing the unfolding “Occupy” movements that continue to spring up all around the United States and the rest of the planet.
“Occupy Brenda!” I suddenly hear my heart energies call out.
“Occupy Solar Plexus!” I feel the cells in my lower two chakras spring to life.
United in peaceful love and harmony, I feel the energies in my body come together in unison with a series of loving requests to the third chakra – the metaphorical power center of my body (the solar plexus). The requests are not presented as demands, merely as loving, unified, requests.
“It is time to let go of your fears and old belief systems that keep our body paralyzed in past thinking and emotional dysfunction.”
“It is time to let go of your death-grip on the physical powers that be, and to instead allow the life force to flow freely throughout our body – to allow each and every one of us to equally enjoy the loving heart energies – to allow the refreshing and supporting energies of Mother Earth to freely flow to our heart and upper chakras – to allow the light energies of Father Sky to freely pass to each and every cell in our lower chakras.”
Gradually, loving energetic vibrations fill my entire body as I feel my solar plexus muscles slightly relax. I remain in this beautiful meditation, enjoying the amazing vibrations until mid afternoon.
I am tired and exhausted. It is once again time to recognize that I have done enough for today. The rest of Tuesday disappears in a flash as I allow myself to be distracted by a series of documentaries about the Egyptian Pyramids.
Big And Amazing
Wednesday morning, as I prepare for yet another chocolate ceremony, I feel as if I have been emotionally run over by a truck.
The rains have been heavy over the last two days, as have been my ever-deepening emotional release processes. The lake levels have risen yet again, now covering the boat dock by about four or five inches of water.
It is clear to me that I have made amazing emotional progress in the past few days – but it is also quite clear to me that I am far from out of the woods, so to say. I remain deeply embedded in a once-habitual emotional loop of feeling exhausted, drained, and unmotivated. I cannot wait to see where this ongoing emotional process guides me.
Yes, something “big and noisy” did indeed come into my healing path this week. The emotional release process has been powerful and intense as I continue to allow myself to observe and learn from the loop that continues to flow through me.
The healing forecasters of intuition and emotion both clearly predict that more “big and noisy” is headed in my direction – But I also know that the process will be amazing. Why else would ego be putting up such a wall of resistance?
For now, I will just trust and continue to send love to my solar plexus through the continued support of the “Occupy Brenda” energies that eagerly cheer me on.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved