Brenda's Bicycles

Friday evening, on November 25 – the day after a delightful Thanksgiving – I am completely surprised as I stumble onto the first-ever “hate comment” waiting for approval on my blog. After my initial shock, a huge smile spreads across my face. Giggles quickly erupt, while peace and love joyfully overwhelm my heart.

Following is that comment in its entirety – a comment posted by a woman named Aimee. Since the comment was posted using a fake email, I did not approve it for direct posting. Instead, I opted to save it for a special-topic blog discussion. Aimee’s exact words are as follows:

“How selfish of you to leave your six children for your own journey to self discovery. You should have made these decisions before you decided to take on the lifelong responsibilities of children (the marriage aside). You are the most selfish person I have read about, causing a wake of destruction in your path, and contributing nothing good to this world … especially considering your writing is really bad and incoherent. Go home and be a parent, no matter your gender, and stop acting like a middle aged child.”

Words From My Past

First off, I wish to express my genuine love for Aimee, and my deep gratitude for her comment. I am not being sarcastic or tongue in cheek. I am profoundly appreciative for how Aimee’s words have synchronously arrived with perfect timing – words that give me an unexpected glimpse of both my past and the healing journey in which I am presently engaged.

When I was thirty years old, I could very easily have been the one to post such a comment. I too would have done so with shrouded anonymity, and perhaps my judgmental statements would have been much harsher than the well-chosen words that Aimee put together.

At that period in my life, I was so trapped in my own pain and belief systems that I judged most anything that did not align and conform to my cultural and religious conditioning – a conditioning of learned definitions and ideals of what the world should be like – a conditioning taught to me by well-meaning parents, teachers, leaders, and society in general.

Yes indeed, Aimee’s words could have easily been my own words from the past – aimed not just at others, but deeply targeting my own inner self-hatred. In that phase of my life, I felt as if I were a freak of nature, violating God’s laws and human nature.

I was struggling with my gender identity.

Defense Versus Love

In the workbook of “A Course In Miracles”, two of the daily lessons resonate profoundly with me. The first is lesson number 153 with the title “In my defenselessness my safety lies.” The other is number 135, titled “If I defend myself, I am attacked.”

At first glance, when compared with commonly accepted wisdom of the world, neither title makes logical sense. But the paradoxical statements, when understood at a much deeper level, contain profound wisdom. To me, defense is a tool of ego – a way of responding to a world that is perceived to be a dangerous place – a place that can hurt me if I do not defend and protect myself.

If I perceive myself as being attacked, then I must defend … but that defense will be perceived by the other as a counterattack, requiring additional defense … and the loop goes on. The whole cycle can spiral out of control very quickly, giving ego a great opportunity to further implant itself in my mind – pushing love to the wayside in the process.

I choose to be happy rather than right, and to respond to a “seeming attack” with love.

Kicking And Screaming

While I will not defend and counterattack, I do choose to use this opportunity to share a little more about who I am, what I believe, and why I am so passionately engaged in this journey of self-discovery.

I believe that everyone is on a unique journey in this lifetime, and that each of us chose our birth circumstances and the primary trials that we would face during this adventure we call life. We each came here with a purpose … perhaps to acquire experience, to heal, to learn, or to grow in some desired way.

I totally believe that I chose my parents, and that I came to earth wanting to spend the early years of my life learning how to love unconditionally via the agonizing journey of being a transgendered woman. Being born in a male body and raised in a very conservative religion and culture, I profoundly struggled to understand why my heart inexplicably demanded a full feminine expression. It is something impossible to explain to someone who has not personally experienced it.

My birth circumstances of pre-mortal choice created an environment that literally forced me into survival mode in this lifetime. Eventually I hit a brick wall of agonizing emotional pain that forced me to choose. The first option was to squash my heart, eventually dying a slow and depressing death. The second was to question my reality in such a profound way that would literally force me to grow, even if I did so kicking and screaming all the way – which is what I literally had to do through much of that frightening journey.

A Magical Reality

During my journey to the depths, I have learned to see the world as a magical holodeck, an energetic mirror of sorts. I am the one looking into and interacting with that mirror. Everything and everyone I see in that mirror is something that I have energetically attracted or created at a level that for most of my life has remained mostly hidden from my conscious mind. It is only now that I clearly recognize the profound way in which I do indeed create my reality on a daily, even moment-by-moment basis.

It is as if the world is an amazing movie screen and I am the projector. My beliefs and emotions, functional or non-functional, healed or unhealed, literally control the content of the film in that projector, creating the projected movie around me wherever I venture. What I see and encounter in perceived reality is an energetic reflection – something I either create or allow – something that I have manifested, consciously or unconsciously, to be part of my healing and awakening journey.

I believe that we each live in such a magical reality – experiencing our own unique perceptions and manifestations.

Selfishness Explored

Believe me when I say that I understand the meaning of “selfish.” I incessantly flogged myself with various manifestations of this word from my early teens, well into my late forties and even early fifties. By age thirty-two, when my youngest child was born, I still fought my unavoidable path. I could not bear the agonizing thought of hurting those I loved. At that difficult time, I nearly destroyed my marriage in a self-destructive cry for love and help. Soon, I settled back into the role of a pretend family man, earning a metaphorical Oscar by playing the role of happy religious father for ten additional years.

After my divorce and full transition to Brenda, I purchased a home less than two miles from my children, being as emotionally and physically involved in their lives as I was allowed to be. And yes, I also struggled greatly in order to financially support them in ways that far exceeded all legal obligations.

It was not until my youngest child was twenty-two years old and engaged to be married that I followed undeniable inner guidance – guidance that insisted that it was now time to set off in my own journey of life. Each of my children is now married. They are beautiful individuals, raising admirable families of their own, and they all know that I am lovingly available if they but ask.

Shining My Light

Yes, of course, things were awkward and emotionally difficult – and many emotional wounds yet remain to be healed. Hearts were broken and lives were undeniably disrupted – but as a family we made it work, and we all did it with pure and genuine love – and I dare say that we all grew in profound ways as a result.

Aimee, call me selfish if you will. I honor your right to this opinion.

On the other hand, those who were close to me during those excruciatingly difficult years – those who were connected to my genuine, loving, and selfless heart – those who saw and experienced the agony through which I passed – well they might just have a differing opinion to share.

As for me, I am simply learning to embrace the divinity within each of us, to heal my life, to illuminate my inner light, and to then shine that light for anyone else who cares to share in any portion of my journey.

All In

When I married at the tender age of twenty-one, my only desire was to be a loving and faithful husband and father for the remainder of my days – hoping to one day be found worthy of living in God’s presence. With all of my heart, I believed that the role of father and grandfather was a lifelong responsibility – one not to be taken lightly.

Yes, of course, as I engaged in those sacred wedding vows, I was already struggling with what I then perceived to be the evils of my transgender identity. For years, I had fought it with all of my heart. I hated that aspect of myself. I despised the inexplicable “evil” that lived inside of me.

My genuine heart believed that I could somehow find the strength to overcome that festering “evil.” In fear and desperation, I kept that shameful part of me hidden – faithfully believing that somehow a loving marriage would cure me of what I mistakenly believed to be some bizarre sexual confusion that could be easily “fixed” by living righteously.

It was not until age forty when I literally realized that not transitioning to be Brenda was a literal death sentence. It was then that the fear of NOT transitioning became greater than the fear of transitioning.

In the face of foreboding apprehension and overwhelming odds, I put my whole life on the poker table. I was “all in,” knowing that I could, and most likely would, lose everything I loved. However, if the cards were not dealt I knew I most certainly would end up dead – if not physically, at least emotionally.

By Their Fruits…

Yes, at the time, I continued to believe in the concept of a lifelong responsibility – but I believed that the only way I could remain alive to fulfill that responsibility was if I did transition. I had reached a point where I realized that my children could have either a dead father or a living Brenda. I chose the harder of the two paths … I chose life.

Disagree with me if you will, but my life of the last fifteen years speaks for itself. I have no need to defend my honor. My joys and sorrows, my genuine capacity to love unconditionally, my aliveness and zest for life, and my profound spiritual growth – each of these qualities (and others) stand as their own testimony. As a popular biblical phrase states, “By their fruits ye shall know them.”

Lifelong Responsibility

Believe whatever you wish, but as I progress down my journey of self-discovery, I now realize that there is no such thing as a lifelong responsibility to anyone other than to myself and to my own healing.

Yes, of course, I have and hope to maintain a lifelong relationship with my beautiful and amazing children, but now that they are raised, they are responsible for their own choices, for their own lives. I can share in loving experiences. I can shine my own light for them. But they now live their own lives, and the ultimate responsibility lies with them.

Mine is a journey that no one else can make for me, and the journey of my children is now in their own very capable hands.

The interesting paradox is that if I had remained in my family and religion, I am now at an age where it is quite common for an older couple to leave their family and to serve a mission for the church, sometimes spending years in leadership roles elsewhere in the world. If I were serving in that role, I would be deemed a hero by some. But if I take a couple of years to engage in a profound spiritual journey of my own – one that is not religion based – does that make me a responsibility shirker?

Cast stones if you will. Meanwhile, I will live my passion.

Wake Of Destruction

As I mentioned earlier, I believe that I setup my birth circumstances before coming to this earth. Likewise, I profoundly believe that my own amazing children did the same (as do we all). Call me crazy, but I believe my children actually chose me for a parent, knowing in advance that my path would quite possibly include a gender transition – that this is something that they wanted to experience in this lifetime as a part of their own amazing life journeys.

While my children may not embrace this belief, I doubt that any of them would disagree when I say that facing the huge challenges of this whole experience has enabled us all to open our hearts and to expand in ways that would have otherwise been impossible, or at least extremely unlikely.

Everyone is free to judge how they will, but when I look at my beautiful children and grandchildren, I do not see a wake of destruction. I actually see the complete opposite. Each is emotionally stable, of exceptional character, happily married, gainfully employed in well-paying careers – and all but the youngest already have darling children and homes of their own.

As I look at each beautiful grandchild, I see nothing but joy and love in their lives. And I continue to giggle at something one of my son-in-laws told me during my final visit with his family when I returned home to Utah this past summer.

“Brenda,” he told me. “I want to thank you for the way you raised your children.”

Contributing Nothing Good

I think that the best way that each of us can contribute to this world is to find out what stirs the passion in our heart – and to then follow that path. It is only when our own hearts are alive and shining that we can fully share that light with the world around us.

For me, my present journey and my corresponding writing are providing me with exactly that passionate focus.

The focus of my writing is not to help others – it never has been. While my heart demands that I must write, I can only write if I keep it in the first person. I do it as a means of integrating and solidifying my own personal growth. I do it in a raw and genuine style, knowing as I write that my words may inspire others to follow their own hearts. But my primary task here is dedicated to my own personal journey – to learning to speak my own truth without fear of judgment – to healing myself and undoing all of the conditioning and emotions that keep me trapped in dense energies.

Because of my style and my genuine depth, I have been told often and frequently – by dear friends and by total strangers – that my words have deeply inspired them in their own healing processes and in finding the courage to follow their own hearts.

Our Unique Journeys

My writing is definitely not for everyone. For someone on a different energetic journey, my words must sound like folly and gibberish. All I can say is that if my words resonate with you then feel free to follow along, apply them in your own way, and perhaps use them to inspire you in your own journey.

But if my writing style comes across to you as bad and incoherent, all I can say is “Please … stop reading … my writing is not for you … don’t waste your time with such silliness. Please go read something else … something that inspires the passions of your own heart. And above all, you might find more joy in your life if you embrace your own unique and loving journey rather than critiquing someone else’s journey.”

Middle Aged Child

If I recall correctly, a famous religious master once taught the concept that: “except ye become as little children, you shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

I actually consider it quite a compliment to be referred to as a “middle aged child.” This scripture is not encouraging us to be childish, but to be child-like. I fully seek to embrace the innocence, wonder, and magic of life, while developing the ability to love without adult grudges and judgments. I constantly strive to remove the layers of grown-up beliefs that trap me in seriousness and dysfunction.

Aimee, I am grateful for the profound compliment.

Conditioned Sheep

Many spiritual paths embrace the concept of becoming as little children, of undoing the conditioning that holds us in bondage. Don Miguel Ruiz, In “The Four Agreements” refers to the process as “The domestication of the planet.” A Course In Miracles emphasizes that enlightenment does not come from doing, but from “undoing”. Some Zen beliefs talk about how the truth cannot be found, but instead the lies must be removed – thus allowing us to remember the truth that already is. My inner work in San Marcos has profoundly and shockingly opened my eyes to the unbelievable depth of conditioning through which I myself passed during childhood.

The majority of our earthly realm has fallen asleep through thousands of years of societal conditioning. We raise our children to be just like us – to believe like us, to think like us, to behave like us, to talk our language, to embrace our political beliefs, to eat, sleep, exercise, love, hate, forgive, judge, or whatever – just like us.

Through this process – and yes I did it to my own children – we condition our youth to be obedient sheep, doing things the way they have been done by our ancestors, doing things the proper way, the way everyone else does them. But we rarely question these beliefs.

Even more subtle, however, is how we teach our children to enforce those rules onto each other. If we see someone doing something differently, we bully them, ridicule them, punish them, ostracize them, and shame them into conforming to the “right way.”

Anyone who is starting to wake up on this planet is at least beginning to understand this conditioned reality.

Speaking My Truth

In my own case, I was terrified to begin my own journey of self-discovery for fear of “What will my family think?”

I can only speculate, but I would imagine that there are very few people on this planet who have not often cowered in fear about following their own heart – all because of the potential reactions or judgments that might be triggered in those we love.

I spent a large portion of my life being an obedient sheep, simply following the person in front of me because that was the only way to avoid being judged by others.

One of my favorite metaphors of the last ten years is the true story of how, when several crabs are placed in a basket, none of them is able to crawl out. As soon as one begins to climb toward the upper edges, the others will reach up and pull him back down into the basket.

It is fear of speaking my truth – fear of judgment – fear of someone pulling me back down into the crab basket – that kept me from following my heart all those years. I am now so profoundly grateful for the confidence to speak my truth – confidence that is finally flowing through my veins.

Reality Check

Aimee, I again want to thank you from the bottom my heart for the comment that you posted to my blog.

When I began my journey in June of 2009, I was terrified to write something that my family and some friends might not understand or embrace. I actually told many of my closer friends that I had considered writing two blogs – one for family and conservative friends – and one for my more open-minded spiritual friends. I was terrified that family might read my “blasphemous” words and be offended, or judge me as crazy.

Throughout my travels, I have gradually expanded on my ability to “speak my truth” but it was not until June of 2010 when I first found the courage to spell out all of my primary spiritual beliefs in black and white, condensing them in a blog appropriately titled “Speaking My Truth.”

As I read Aimee’s comment on that beautiful day-after-Thanksgiving evening, the reason I giggled with such bubbly delight, is that the negative words had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

The grinning from ear to ear that became glued to my face for several hours – well that was due to the fact that I profoundly realized that I have graduated to a whole new level of self-confidence and self-love – a level of honoring and living my inner truth to such a powerful level that I no longer care if anyone else on the planet even agrees with me.

Thanks Aimee, for providing me with this opportunity to perform a profound reality check with where I am in my journey. I love you for that.

Gratitude For Feedback

I want you to all know that I deeply appreciate the frequent feedback that I receive on my writing. Most of that feedback is sent to me via emails, Facebook posts, or Facebook messages. Twice, however, I have even bumped into people here in San Marcos who stop me, having recognized my photo or met me at a chocolate ceremony – who then tell me that they have been reading my blog and it is one of the things that guided them to come here.

Such feedback often arrives at just the perfect time when I myself might need a little encouragement to keep going, or as in Aimee’s case, the perfect time to give me a new burst of self-awareness.

Humble Requests

I would also like to petition for two humble requests to anyone who reads these words.

For those of you who feel inspired by my writing, I would love it if you would somehow spread the word to others – perhaps sharing my links on Facebook, or sending a website link via email to anyone you think might benefit. A deep inner guidance tells me that one day my “bad and incoherent writing (LOL)” will be published in a manner that will help others. I have no idea when or how it will happen. Right now, I am totally focused on experiencing and writing, trusting that the rest will happen as part of the beautiful synchronous flow that guides my life. Yet a restless feeling tells me that something yet needs to happen – something outside of my own control – to reach whomever it is that might further facilitate the publishing of my writing.

Giggling And Curious

My second request is that, just this once, I would like to encourage anyone who is so inclined, to provide a little feedback of their own regarding my writing, or perhaps to compose their own loving response to Aimee’s comment. (Please keep them in the loving category.)

And rather than sending your comments offline via email or Facebook, I would love to see them posted here, directly on my blog. For those reading via subscription email or RSS readers, you will need to go directly to my blog (www.BrendaLarsen.com) and click on the “comments” link just below and to the far right of the blog entry title. You will need to provide an email in the posting process, but rest assured that the email is not published for others to see.

While my heart insists that I will write whether anyone reads at all, I think it would be fun, just this one time, to find out who is reading and what you might be thinking. I would love for anyone who reads this to post a little comment – a comment of any sort – even if it is just to say “Hi” – just so I can get an idea of who might actually be reading along. I’m just giggling and curious.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved