Brenda's Bicycles

As Sunday, December 4, slides into the history books, my heart finally resonates with powerful peace. The past ten days have been a beautiful stage for profound experiential healing. It is now time to move forward through the integration process – and for me, the most powerful integration I do is to ponder, meditate, and write about the events through which I have courageously dared to venture.

But then again, I am always aware that writing about processing often brings new emotional release as well as further growth. With a giggling heart, I say bring it on. I am ready to write, ready to face whatever surfaces, eager to record the raw and intimate details of what has indeed been one of the most excruciating healing journeys of my life.

Resumed Writing

I begin by writing a loving treatise about my first ever hate comment – a courageous adventure into baring my soul and further speaking my truth. The experience deeply empowers me, but does result in a few heart-thumping twinges of fear as late Monday evening I receive two comments from extended family members – one online and one offline. Both are beautiful loving exchanges – yet both show me that I continue to harbor hidden inner fear regarding just how my closest of family might react to my stepping so far away from the family’s cultural and religious roots.

Tuesday, I spend the day writing, but also joyfully embrace several social interruptions that prevent me from publishing. I love how I am beginning to further embrace the flow, even when it comes to things that “seem to interrupt” my writing. Peace and giggles reign supreme.

It is not until Wednesday morning, right before my next chocolate ceremony, that I prepare to click on the “publish button” – but alas, I can only giggle again when I learn that my internet is temporarily down and will not return until early afternoon. Joyful trust and peace simply remind me that, “everything happens for a reason” – that I will simply wait until nightfall to post “A Crash Course.”

Manifestation Giggles

As a friend and I sit on our cushions, waiting for the chocolate ceremony to begin, we giggle at each other regarding the fact that out of the eleven people present on Keith’s magical porch, seven are men.

“I wonder why my higher energies created a ceremony with so much masculine energy.” I share with my friend. “It will be interesting to find out why we manifested this reality.”

Confusing Chaos

“I’m in a weird state.” I eventually explain to Keith as he begins to work with me after the glow meditation.

“My heart feels connected and alive, “but my solar plexus is consumed by pains that at times are quite strong as they phase in and out. And I am profoundly aware that my forearms are extremely clenched – so much so that as I attempt to relax them, they actually hurt. I seem incapable of relaxing my muscles, as if the clenching is happening at a level that is out of my power to control.”

Intuitions tell me that I am in a state of further wanting to open up my empath abilities, but a subconscious part of me is expressing intense fear by physically refusing to relax. As I contemplate this thought, a sensation of dread begins to consume me – and it is indeed a profound fear about the possibility of returning yet again to a state of confusing chaos with regards to inhaling the emotions of others.

Increasing Awareness

For twenty minutes, Keith sits in front of me, guiding me once again to imagine a small ball of light, two feet in front of my heart.

“Send all of this emotion to the ball of light for processing.” Keith lovingly guides me.

“I can’t feel the difference.” I express to Keith in frustration as he assures me that he feels some of the emotional density now moving outside of me, being sent to the metaphorical angels for transmutation.

“Now bring the processing back inside of you.” Keith guides me to resume my old way of working with the densities – a way where I deal with the emotions by myself.

Over and over Keith guides me to first move the processing out in front of me, allowing higher energy assistance – and then to bring the whole process back inside of me. Keith is patiently attempting to help me to become more energetically aware of the differences.

Subtle Shifts

Several times when I bring the processing back inside, I experience mild sensations of fear and pain, as well as what intuitively feels like a horizontal wall stretching across my heart chakra.

Yet, when I imagine the processing as being directed to the ball of light in front of me – as being handled by the angels – I experience a very subtle sensation of relaxation.

My sensitivities remain so blocked and weak that there is ample room for logical mind doubts to jump in to ridicule what I am doing – yet I cannot deny the subtle but profound differences that intuitively whisper, “There is indeed a difference – a difference I can slightly feel.”

Pushing all doubt to the side, I resolve to further pursue a strategy of “Fake it till I make it.”

An Old Pattern

“I’m feeling a little guilty for how much time you are spending with me.” I eventually express to Keith while glancing around the rest of the porch as everyone else simply observes.

“This is an old pattern that you’re running.” Keith points out.

I clearly recognize how, throughout my life, I have craved personal attention and assistance from others – yet at the same time, as soon as I begin to receive it, I feel resistant, unworthy, undeserving, and attempt to sacrifice my needs for the good of others – feeling guilty about having my needs met while others in a group simply watch. Part of me wants to fade from visibility.

Emotional Resistance

As Keith eventually moves on, my heart overflows with gratitude for how much time he did spend with me. His patient and loving assistance has indeed given me a glimmer of hope that I can and will become increasingly more sensitive to the energies – both within and without.

I focus on internally practicing what Keith has taught me – but simultaneously observe the rest of the porch as well – looking for additional synchronous clues that might further facilitate my own personal journey.

One thing that profoundly registers is that there is almost no emotional release taking place on the porch today. Nearly everyone seems hesitant to approach emotions – resistant to going deeper – remaining mostly at the surface. There seems to be a subtle energy whispering that, “emotions are bad and heavy … we are not comfortable with emotional release … we want to fly high in positive, light vibrations.”

Empowering And Supporting

By the time Keith almost completes his first pass around the porch, I find myself resonating in profound high-vibrational energy. Feeling deeply connected to unconditional love, I simply radiate that love to everyone and everything around me. My heart is alive with glowing, vibrating, light.

As Keith begins to work with a dear friend seated next to me, I silently cheer inside as she goes deeper and deeper into what I can tell is a frightening and heartbreaking emotional journey. I am so happy that she is finally able to reach another level in her own process where she is beginning to go deeper into the depths of her own agonizing pain.

I sit next to her, holding powerful loving space, radiating love that energetically whispers, “I am so proud of you. I know that what you are doing is not only frightening and terrifying, but that it is profoundly important – that it is a place to which you must journey in order to find your own treasures – in order to heal this dark pain from your past.”

I almost feel guilty about how radiantly happy I am – yet I know that my loving giggles are the exact opposite of fixing – they are empowering and supporting.

Judgmental Frustration

As my dear friend reaches what seems like a frightening, impassable, emotional blockage, I continue to radiate loving supportive energy, silently cheering her on.

Then something shocks me. A woman who several times during the ceremony has interrupted others to share “uplifting stories”, suddenly repeats her fixing pattern, interrupting my friend’s process with a baffling and utterly unrelated fluffy story. To me, it seems obvious that she is uncomfortable with the level of emotion being expressed – and that she is attempting to lighten the mood.

“Why am I continuing to attract such strong fixing energy?” I ponder in judgmental frustration.

Supporting And Encouraging

I watch with amazement as Keith follows his own guidance, quickly squelching the woman’s behavior, lovingly but firmly pointing out to her what she just did. When this woman recoils in denial, several of the men join in her defense, unable to see the harm in what she had just done. Granted, her intentions had been pure and loving, but her actions had simultaneously disempowered the profound emotional process in which my friend was engaged.

My dear friend jumps in to validate that she was indeed pulled out of her process, and now no longer feels emotionally capable of returning to the place where she was. Keith points out how it has taken my friend three weeks to achieve this level of deep inner exploration, and that, at least for today, her process has been interrupted.

A deep healing discussion unfolds regarding “fixing energy.” It is a firm-but-loving explanation about our societal conditioning – about how most of us have been taught to stuff down our emotions – about how a great number of people are extremely uncomfortable when others express emotion – and about how conditioning tells us that when someone cries, we need to help them lighten the mood, to take away their pain, etc…

When engaged in emotional processing, what people really need is permission to go deeper into their pain – they need loving support that makes them feel safe, encouraging them to go as deep as they need in order to find the healing treasure that lies beneath their pain.

Personal Relevance

It is only later that Keith reveals to me that this woman was, in a way, acting out the energy of my mother, unknowingly doing so for my benefit, giving me an external glimpse of what happened to me when I was a child.

“Wow,” I think to myself. “This really is what happened to me. Every time I cried, my emotion was not validated. Instead, all focus was put on the fact that the crying itself was creating problems – that I needed to just get over it and to stop crying. I have no memories of my emotional process ever being supported in a way that allowed me to feel safe in exploring or understanding my hurt feelings. Those emotions were simply rejected and suppressed.”

“So That’s It”

A tiny uprising begins to form on the porch. Giggles consume my soul as I radiate a profound loving peace through my heart. I have never felt so empowered in such an awkward situation – a situation that would have left me cowering in fear just a few years ago – a situation of potential arguing and conflict.

Yet, even in the face of disagreement and debate, a beautiful presence of peace and coexistence remains in my heart. I really cannot speak for how anyone else is feeling.

One man strongly joins in to support the woman’s fixing behavior, adding how he has complained several times about the heaviness that Keith allows on the porch – about how he often begins to reach new energetic heights only to be pulled back down by people’s low vibration emotions.

Another man quickly jumps in and says something like “Yeah, and every time Brenda begins to do her work, I just cringe with a feeling of ‘Oh no, here we go again, into the tears and dense emotions.’”

“So that’s it!” I suddenly realize with giggling clarity while still glowing in my own personal stash of loving energy. “The heaviness to which this energetically-gifted man has repeatedly referred in past ceremonies is none other than ‘me’ – my own emotional processing, as well as that of others. He too is under the mistaken impression that emotions are bad and should not be allowed here – that emotions are not in alignment with spirituality – that emotions merely drag the energy (and people) down.”

Nothing Changes Until I Do

With pure love radiating from my heart, continuing to smile and giggle, I speak from a place of unconditional love, speaking my truth as I have never done before. I am so unattached that I really do not care what others are saying – I understand their confusion and judgment, and that they do not appreciate the profound power behind creating a safe place for loving emotional release.

“There must have been at least six to eight times last year where I was so angry at Keith that I was ready to pack up my bags and leave.” I share my own words of wisdom with those on the porch. “But every time I felt that way, when I took a step back and looked honestly on the inside, when I humbled myself and recognized that it is I who create my reality – every time I did this I clearly recognized that my judgments and projections had nothing to do with Keith. It was always me projecting. It was always me engaging in some of my most powerful growth lessons.”

“But most of all,” I add, “it was always me that needed to change. It is an inside job.”

Loving Opportunities

“But people should be able to just raise their vibrations, and then their densities will simply dissolve away.” this young man protests.

“When you say that,” a friend lovingly speaks her own truth in response, “it sounds like you are saying, “Just get over it.” …’”

“Good for you,” I also lovingly interject my own feedback to the young man. “If you can transmute your densities by simply raising vibrations, then I honor you. I only wish I were at that level of working with my own densities. Some of us need to do our processing in a different way to facilitate our own learning. We put these densities inside of us as teachers that would literally force us to acquire the learning that we came to this dimension to get.”

“What you are saying is judgment.” I confidently add one last loving fact. “You are saying that emotional release is bad – that your way is the only spiritual way.”

Again, I marvel at how my heart is not collapsing – I do not feel the least bit fearful or hesitant to speak my truth in such a loving-but-powerful way. For me it is a profound opportunity to see how I am confidently learning to respond to criticism from a space of love.

Unhealed Healers

“I have to admit that I too used to judge people who repeatedly cried during emotional release.” I add a tiny bit of my own story. “It has only been through my own tedious and often tearful journey of this past year that I have learned how to have compassion for the healing processes of others.”

“If we want to be healers, we need to first heal ourselves. If anything – and I mean anything, anyone, any client, any person, or any situation – if anything triggers us to judge, or to be frustrated, or to be annoyed, then that is OUR issue that we need to heal before we are ready to work with a client.”

I then mention how I am determined to never be an unhealed healer – how I would rather not assist someone in an emotional process if there is some risk that I might project onto my client in any way.

Trusting The Process

Soon a brief interruption calls Keith out to his front gate. As he does so, the group dissolves into four or five separate and chaotic surface-level conversations.

When Keith returns, he simply smiles and joins into one small discussion across the porch from me – not attempting to pull the group back together. I have seen many a crazy thing on this porch, and my own guidance giggles while whispering that all is perfect … that everything that has happened, and that will yet happen, will create beautiful results.

I spend nearly an hour having a heart-to-heart conversation with one extremely energetically gifted young man whom I have often thought of as wanting to heal others without first looking in the mirror.

To my delight, I continue to glow on the inside while radiating love on the outside. As the conversation eventually ends, I have learned a great deal about my own tendency to judge someone without really knowing his or her story.

An Unfolding Process

“Wow,” I tell Keith after everyone has left. “That was crazy but powerful for me. As I continue to vibrate with giggles and glowing energy, I also feel a little weird. I would love to understand what was going through your mind as the group almost rebelled today. It might help me to better understand how to do what you do.”

Keith explains that he always takes every situation on a case-by-case basis. He has no canned rules on how to react, on what to allow, or want to prevent. He simply follows the flow of energy.

“Every situation is different.” Keith shares with me. “Each time something happens, I go inside and check with my guidance as to whether I should allow it to unfold or whether I should nip it in the bud. Sometimes I make a mistake, but it always works out in the end.”

Keith goes on explain that today he felt guided to not intervene any further – that everything that happened was building toward a valuable process that will eventually help all those involved to get a profound growth lesson – one that they need to have.

I can say for a fact that the experience deeply served me in my own process.

Tears, Fears, And Self-Doubt

After gobbling down a plate of rice and beans, I sit at my computer in an attempt to document an afternoon that was both beautiful and bizarre. Suddenly tears of emotion begin to swell in my eyes.

“Is it even safe for me to cry on Keith’s porch anymore?” I begin to feel a crazy sense of fear, sadness, and even anger. “Will I ever again feel capable of going deep into emotions while some of those people are also on the porch? Will I always be on edge, minimizing my feelings so as not to disturb them or their view of reality?”

I am shocked and almost shaking. When I had left the ceremony, I continued to radiate a state of loving and giggling heart power – yet, now, just thirty minutes later, I am rapidly sinking into tears, fears, and self-doubt.

Yes, I have indeed received powerful and profound inner lessons through the crazy events on the porch. I know that I create my reality – and I have no doubt that my own higher energies are responsible for orchestrating these events as an incredible opportunity to guide me toward new insights and growth.

But I am now grieving … worried that the porch may never again return to normal … that it might never be safe to cry again.

A Magic Hat

To my delight, I soon receive an unexpected knock at my door. Keith and another friend are headed home from a quick dinner at a local restaurant.

“You were AWESOME today!” my two friends giggle loudly in unison.

I briefly giggle too – desperately needing such loving feedback. Part of me does know I was awesome. My heart was profoundly alive with power and I radiated giggling love at every turn – more so than ever before.

But as the three of us begin to jointly share, I briefly mention my concerns about needing a safe environment to express emotions. Tears start to stream as I describe the strange sadness and fears that surfaced while recording my notes for the day.

“This is exactly how you felt as a child.” Keith again pulls a rabbit out of his magic hat.

“What happened today is a reflection of what happened to you as a child when you finally stopped sharing emotions because it only got you in trouble. It is also a reflection of society’s box – of how emotions are not allowed, not spiritual, and not proper.”

Keith goes on to explain that many of the healers of today are still in that societal box – believing that healing means pushing emotions down while raising their vibrations into the light.

“Wow,” I banter back, “you’re exactly right. I never felt safe expressing any type of sad or angry emotion at home – never ever.”

Light As A Feather

Keith totally validates my concerns about emotional safety on the porch – explaining that he too feels guided that it is now time to make some changes to ensure the safety for those who need to go deep. He reassures me that as soon as his guidance directs, he will do what is necessary to reestablish a safe space for all involved.

Everything that has been building over the last several weeks has been a profound part of my process – I would not change a thing.

I am so deeply grateful for the lessons on fixing and unhealed healers. I could not have learned such wisdom more powerfully in any other way. Allowing things to unfold as they have was critical in helping me to understand what happened to me as a child. Gratitude fills my heart that Keith has allowed this process to unfold in a way that it did indeed serve me (and others) greatly.

As I hug Keith and my friend goodnight for the second time, I am happy again – as light as a feather.

Righteous Roadmaps

Thursday morning, as I engage in a beautiful 5:30 a.m. meditation on my patio, hidden and unexpressed emotions suddenly erupt, quickly turning angry.

“How dare you call yourself a healer when you would judge or put down someone’s emotional process!” I quietly yell out in hate to all unhealed healers in the world.

“Shame on you for pulling someone out of an emotional process.” I add another series of sternly whispered shouts. “Shame on you for implying that their energy is too heavy for you – that it is not spiritual enough!”

I try to be relatively quiet so the neighbors do not hear – but the unfelt and unexpressed emotions from yesterday are now agitated, angry, and screaming for release.

“How dare you force your unhealed bullsh#t on me when I was so young and vulnerable!” I intuitively direct my next angry outburst at parents and church leaders. “Your warped version of guilt and shame in the name of God did not serve me as a child – it devastated me. Your righteous roadmaps only served to manipulate and control. They did not heal me – they just made things worse.”

The intensity of my meditation shocks me. It seems that my inner issues with “unhealed healers” and “fixers” continue to have more hidden power than I thought. This buried anger is directed at my parents, my childhood religion, and at anyone who would use power to manipulate and control others in the name of God or higher energies.

It will not be until later that I realize the true target of my anger is at the higher energies themselves.

Processing Versus Processing

“Am I writing or processing today?” I ponder with confusion as I gobble down my oatmeal with an ounce of yummy chocolate.

As my emotions finally settle, I return with my metaphorical three-year-old angel to that peaceful waiting room – fully trusting that I have done enough processing about unhealed healers for today.

Instead, I engage in deep integrative processing while spending a long day writing “Confusing Confusion.” Every one of my recent blogs is proving to be an excruciating task.

A Subconscious Agenda

Friday morning, during a 6:30 a.m. patio meditation, a new truth settles into awareness.

“This unhealed healer issue really is a huge inner battle for me.” I ponder with increasing shock.

I have several dear friends who were deeply abused as children. One was so physically and emotionally traumatized that no matter how much healing she completes, she continues to have a very subtle underlying theme of needing to defend the world from abuse. In very gentle ways, I have tried to occasionally point out the existence of this subconscious agenda to her … pointing out that her true healing is an inside job, not one of fixing the world … but her suppressed emotional pain is so deep that she cannot hear me, and I do not push.

“I have a subconscious agenda!” I suddenly recognize with shock and newfound humility. “And my agenda is even stronger than that of my dear friend. It seems that for many years now, everywhere I go, I have a hidden agenda to save the world from unhealed healers.”

It seems that everything that has manifested over the last several weeks was beautifully orchestrated to bring me to this very painful and humbling realization.

A Mini Me

The emotional and psychological trauma caused by unhealed healers is usually overlooked by society in general – not even seen as an issue – not even recognized as actual abuse because there is no way to quantify or measure it. The subtle nature, lack of external validation, and even ridicule from others, can turn healing from such trauma into a very lonely and difficult journey. To even take the initial steps of such a journey, one must begin to literally question the reality of everything.

The interesting paradox is that almost all people in the world have actually undergone such repression and conditioning – yet most people would utterly deny its existence. We teach our children in the same way that we were taught. We minimize right-brained creativity while teaching our children to survive in a left-brained world. We know from experience that if our children stand out, if they are different or do not conform in any way, that they will be bullied and ridiculed.

I was conditioned to believe that a tiny infant was a divine piece of clay – a piece of clay that would stray and get lost if I did not program it to know just what to believe and how to conform. In essence, I believed that it was my job, as a parent, to mold each of my children into a righteous little “mini me”. As I faithfully conditioned my own children, I unknowingly caused them to repress much of their own divine identity and creativity – suppressing a great deal of their individuality.

Trusting Inner Guidance

As I reflect back on the last twenty-five years of my life – after beginning to question my own reality – I clearly see that I have subconsciously viewed every authority figure or self-proclaimed expert as suspect. I would never trust any healer before thoroughly checking them out. I was terrified of healers or teachers who might end up further hurting or deceiving me. Instead, I learned to trust my heart when any idea was in question – always trusting inner feelings and guidance over what anyone else might advise. I may have been wrong, but I remained true to my soul.

A crazy subconscious part of me was frequently triggered whenever I witnessed someone professing a version of his or her truth that did not resonate with my heart. I struggled to keep my mouth shut – to remain centered and non-judgmental – to see it as an inside job. At times, this “looking in the mirror” was agonizing.

I did not realize it until now that, after all these years, I subconsciously continue to abhor what I now define as an “unhealed healer.” My heart cringes when I witness vulnerable people being willingly led down a path that, for me, resonates as a path that would lead them into more ego, confusion, struggle, and denial.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

The crazy paradox is that I have healed the vast majority of my triggers regarding those who would commit violent acts – the Hitlers, the mass murders, the child abusers, the creators of wars, the terrorists, etc…. I have been able to spiritually reconcile how everything happens for a reason – how each act, no matter how abhorrent it may appear to the eyes of the perceiver, serves a purpose in the larger holodeck of reality.

I have lovingly been able to see that every trauma in my own life has beautifully served me – how it has been my own creation. With all of my heart I believe that I chose every circumstance of my birth – I wanted to be raised in the way I was – It was my desire to have my right-brained magic snuffed out – and it was all for divine reasons. I would not wish my life circumstances onto anyone, yet I would not change one thing from my past. Every struggle has been a beautiful teacher – and each lesson could never have been learned in any other way.

But crazy as it is, and now as obvious as it is, I subconsciously hate unhealed healers. I see them as evil incarnate – as wolves in sheep’s clothing – as horrible abusers who will destroy their innocent and unknowing prey.

Perfect Perfection

“If I can clearly see that I chose a life of being shutdown by unhealed healers,” I ponder with confusion, “then why can I not see that every healer, no matter how healed or unhealed they might be, also serves a divine role and purpose?”

I find the logic to be irrefutable. We are all sovereign beings – each of us creates our reality, and each of us energetically attracts exactly what we need in our unique healing journey.

Every unhealed healer is perfect in their own unique journey – being exactly where they need to be right now – helping the people that resonate with their style of help. They will come across their own life lessons with perfect synchronous timing. Everything they do serves a purpose for someone, in some way. In my own life, my journey with unhealed healers has taught me in profound ways – teaching me all of the things that I myself hope to never inflict on others in my own journey as a potential healer. Had I not experienced the trauma or disempowerment of being on the receiving end of such situations, I could never have learned what I now understand. And I know I still have much more to learn.

And every client who goes to such healers is also perfect in their own unique journey. There were times in my life when I needed help from someone who could “fix” me. I was so hopelessly lost and helplessly desperate that I needed an outside expert to tell me what was wrong and how to heal it. Those types of healers served me well during struggling times. Every person seeks out and resonates with exactly what they need in their own journey at any given point in time.

An Inside Job

“I don’t need to save the world from unhealed healers.” I exclaim with giggles during this Friday morning meditation. “That too is an Inside Job. I simply need to shift my own projections and allow the outside world to be exactly what it is.”

“But how do I do this?” I ponder with shock. “Why is it so difficult to let go of this subconscious projection?”

I can only trust the process. A beautiful synchronous flow brought me to this deep self-realization – and I know that same flow will guide me through whatever else I need to do.

An Intense Interruption

Soon after finishing this profound meditation, I put that story on hold and begin writing my next blog, all about my journey with the “Hot Sauce Mom” videos. To my horror and amazement, as I again relive emotions from my personal journey with an unhealed healer (my mother), I completely lose all composure.

Beginning around 10:30 a.m., I retire to my bedroom, sobbing with emotions that I had no idea still existed. I thought I had processed this pain a week earlier, on that agonizing day when I first watched those heart-breaking videos – trauma-awakening videos that took me back into remembering the gut-wrenching emotional pain of my own punishments for being a mouthy child who was just trying to defend myself.

Fear Of Hell

Knowing that pushing the pain back down only serves to delay and prolong my healing process, I willingly submit to the agonizing emotional onslaught – experiencing wave after wave of intense release. With each huge wave of sobs, I attempt to bring in more light. The light brings additional insights, but it also frees additional repressed pain that now floats to the surface – and I again return to the depths of reliving old traumas.

These “rub-my-face-in-the-sand” emotions include anger, sadness, pain, rebellion, heartbreak, and everything in between.

Insights take me deep into understanding how I was literally trained with behavioral conditioning – the same type of discipline response you might use to train a family pet, such as a dog or cat.

Righteous indignation swells as I ponder about how my true divine connection to the light was systematically replaced by artificial “florescent lights” – by a connection to a judgmental and vindictive God of fear and conformity. I was terrified that if I did not obey and do as I was told that I would end up in hell for all of eternity.

Lovingly True

“How dare they do this to a child!” I quietly scream out in agony. “How dare they treat me like a piece of clay that can simply be shaped and formed by ‘knowing adults’.”

“Bullsh#t,” comes swirling off my tongue. “I was a sentient, conscious being with a divine soul and a unique journey to fulfill on this earth. I was forced to give up who I am so that I could be shaped by sleeping hands and then put into a kiln, baked into a petrified clay pot.”

The intuitions flow so smoothly. Inner voices are profoundly clear as they remind me that my consciousness and brain functions are two completely different things, and that I came into this world fully aware – I was simply incapable of communicating through physical means. Yes, my tiny physical body was vulnerable and undeveloped – but my consciousness has been aware for countless lifetimes.

It is a sleeping society that mistakenly believes that newborns are just empty brains waiting to receive adult input and programming.

Of course, I needed help in learning how to develop and use my body – in learning physical communication and survival skills – in understanding all aspects of this holodeck called physical reality. But when it comes to who I really am, the only help I needed was to be tenderly supported and encouraged to be lovingly true to my own heart in a unique and individual journey of self discovery – to be reminded of my divinity and of my ability to personally connect to the source of that light.

Fit In Or Else

The more I ponder how my creative and intuitive sides were simply snuffed out, the deeper I go into the agonizing pain – sobbing, choking, coughing, and wheezing – repeatedly in waves.

“It is crazy.” I soon resume quiet ranting. “I had to fit in so that my parents would not be judged for teaching me incorrectly. I live in a society of sheep that will judge any and all parents who do not raise their children properly.”

“It is the parents who teach their children to be bullies.” The insights continue flowing. “We are so concerned with appearance and conformity that we are uncomfortable if someone around us is different. We force our children to conform, and they turn around and try to force others to do the same.”

Each time my emotions pause, I ask for more light. Each time that the light increases, more insights flow and emotions again rage.

Personal Responsibility

“I am a divine being, as are we all,” Inner voices begin to pull me back to the Truth with a capital T.

I am the one who chose to enter a tiny, vulnerable, undeveloped physical body. On the surface, what happened to me (to all of us) was brutal and painful. But I came here with a purpose – and part of that purpose included choosing parents, religion, siblings, and birth circumstances. In order to fulfill my life mission, it was profoundly necessary for all of my childhood magic to be shutdown in firm, rigid ways.

For my purposes, I needed and wanted my parents to turn me into a miniature version of them. I needed to profoundly understand the agonizing pain of having my lights snuffed out by loving, God-fearing parents. I needed to understand the shame-inducing trauma of being born with gender confusion that was repressed and rejected as evil. It was all a part of my own plan to learn how to love unconditionally, to develop compassion, to understand the anguish of human suffering from countless different vantage points.

With such personal understanding, perfectly and synchronously timed, I will have achieved my own inner license – a license giving me the loving and compassionate capacity to help support others in waking up from similar shutdowns – to help them find the same loving light buried under their own traumas. While it is a lonely path to tread, I know that my journey is preparing me to assist others during the upcoming planetary shift – whatever it may look like.

Fake And Fraudulent

“I hate a God that would judge, induce fear, condemn, marginalize, categorize, demand obedience, etc.,” another wave of angry emotions surface. “Such an image is repugnant. That is not God … that is man’s creation … an image projected by men who would judge, induce fear, condemn, etc…”

My God/separation drama has once again surfaced. But this time I see it from a profoundly different perspective. My hatred at God was only a truth with a lowercase “t”. I was angry at a fake man-made God. The subconscious part of me that continues to cower in fear at the thought of connecting and partnering with higher energies continues to see all higher energies as belonging to that fake, fraudulent category.

Family Chains

As I continue meditating, a new metaphor consumes me – a metaphor of feeling as if I have chains tightly wrapped around my soul. This visualization is profound and powerful – giving me a clear glimpse of what is really going on inside me. I feel like the chains continue to hold me captive as a mini-mom – a miniature version of my dear sweet mom.

Yes, of course I know she did her best, and that she was lovingly following the convictions of her own heart when she raised me. I hold nothing but beautiful love for my dedicated and devoted mother.

Nevertheless, the truths she taught me are not my truths. Those metaphorical chains binding my soul continue to lock me into the teachings that I received from my dear mother – the chains are the “mother voices” that I unsuccessfully tried to release in recent days past – voices that continue to hold me captive in dysfunctional, self-limiting beliefs.

My dear mother got those voices from her mother, and so on up the family tree. Those voices were carefully passed down, generation by generation, refined and strengthened by all of my ancestors. It is now time for me to transmute them – to see them as the lies that they are and to release them into the nothingness from whence they came.

My head does not know how to transmute voices – yet my heart knows that the light is now already shining brightly on many of these voices. I trust that “Know myself” is a huge part of the healing. As I simply sink deeper into a “Fake it till I make it” meditation, I can only believe that everything will happen in perfect order.

Compassionate Understanding

Thanks to the depth of this emotional journey, my understanding of childhood shutdown and conditioning has reached a profound new level of clarity – a level that resonates, not from the mind, but from personal experience deep within the heart.

Had I not surrendered to the agonizing emotions, had I resisted and pushed them back down, insisting that I had already processed them, I could never have reached such profound levels of compassionate understanding.

As this beautiful meditation reaches conclusion, I feel profoundly gifted – gifted with an undeniable experience of actually feeling the horrendous pain of a divine being, encompassed in a tiny vulnerable body, having my source connection turned off – of experiencing the sparkle in my eyes being methodically snuffed out.

The experience has been one of the most profound meditations of my life.

Heart Balance

I now clearly realize that everything – every single thing that was ever taught to me – every teaching from any earthly source, from any person, teacher, adult, child, friend, or even channeled source – everything is suspect and potentially contaminated by human interpretation – especially by my own logical thinking or ego-tainted perceptions.

The ongoing path toward awakening really is a path of undoing – of undoing emotions that prevent me from moving forward – of undoing beliefs that restrict unconditional love and light from flowing freely in my heart.

The only thing I can fully trust is a personal connection to source – a right-brained, intuitive, heart-based connection that does not rely solely on logical interpretation and reason – a sense of knowing that only comes through equal partnership of loving balance between both head and heart.

Confused Visitors

Saturday, December 10, I make another attempt at writing “Hot Sauce Horror.” This time I do manage to write, but again the journey triggers repeated bursts of frequent sobs. Halfway through that passionate writing saga, as the tears are finally beginning to subside, two delightful beings stop by for a visit.

It is 1:49 p.m., when two little sparrows dare to venture through the metal bars of my patio door, perching inside of my living room/kitchen area on a door next to my refrigerator. They are beautiful little sparrows, with dark brown feathers, having bodies that are perhaps three or four inches in length.

After sitting for a minute or two, they begin to act a little confused and lost. As they fly a couple of times, quickly returning to their perch, I get the feeling that they are not quite sure how to leave.

Frightened And Hiding

My first thought is a metaphor that one of my dear friends has experienced several times in her life – a metaphor that when a bird enters your house, that someone close to you will die within a few days. I have to admit that I wonder if this metaphor may apply to me – but the idea does not resonate as true with my heart, and I believe that the Universe communicates with us via metaphors that resonate with our own energy – not that of someone else.

My second thought is that the birds do not belong in my house and that they may soon begin to poop all over my floor and furniture. Quickly but calmly, I move to each window in the room, slowly opening them as much as possible – providing the birds with ample opportunity to find their way out. Yet my actions only frighten the two little visitors, causing them to fly up into the rafters above my daybed – hiding on a log beam, directly above where I write.

Free Spirits

As I carefully and lightly tap a broom near where the birds are cowering, one quickly flies to the front door and disappears. My heart breaks as the other flies directly to my kitchen window, crashing into a dirty pane of glass, briefly falling on my dish drain, and then disappearing into my bathroom shower area. As I further attempt to “rescue” the second bird, he is gone, nowhere to be seen. I later discover a tiny hole between the roof and the rock wall of my shower. I can only assume that the little guy somehow squeezed his way to freedom.

After a while, I begin to question, “Why was I in such a hurry to get them to leave? … I could have had so much fun simply watching their free spirits.”

Don’t Worry About A Thing

Later, I send out a Facebook appeal for possible metaphorical meanings. My favorite response is one that had also briefly entered my own mind – a reference to the Bob Marley song “Three Little Birds.”

I love the message of “Don’t worry about a thing … ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.” My heart resonates as I later listen to a version of the song on YouTube. Even though I was only visited by two winged wonders, I still feel their energy of joy, freedom, and flying to the skies.

Dancing Shivers

Sunday, before the chocolate ceremony, Keith lets me glance at his “Animal-Speak” book by Ted Andrews – one of my favorite animal books. I am blown away by a few metaphorical references associated with sparrows.

The first quote references a metaphor that has been following me for many months – the feeling of a sharp pain at the center of my heart chakra – a metaphorical nail in my heart that, to me, represents the idea of having been symbolically crucified in the name of my religion. It all refers back to the shutdown process, done to me by well meaning adults (unhealed healers), all in the name of God.

The quote goes as follows:

“One story tells of how it (the sparrow) was the one bird present throughout the crucifixion of Christ, making it a symbol of triumph after suffering.”

Shivers dance in my spine as I read these words, while pondering how they relate to my own metaphorical journey that is nearing completion – nearing triumph after suffering.

Metaphorical Play

The next quote from the book also deals with human and societal shutdown. I have omitted several sentences and highlighted the word “social.”

“Its (the sparrow’s) ability to multiply and assert itself in spite of predation reflects the idea that nobility of the common person is inherently strong. […] Have you forgotten your own self worth? Have you begun to think that you would always be under the heel of some tyrant – human or social? The sparrow will show you how to survive […] helping you to triumph in spite of outer circumstances.

The song sparrow is very symbolic of this. […] There is a dark spot on each side of its throat and a heavy spot in middle of the breast. This reflects a drawing down of energy to awaken the heart and the throat centers. It is the assertion of will to bring out the inherent dignity so it can sing forth in your life. This is what the sparrow can teach.”

As I read these words, they emphasize exactly what I have been working on – awakening my heart center – learning to free myself from the “social tyrant” of cultural conditioning – and finding the capacity to fully express my creative truth through the throat center. I love how metaphors can be so powerful when you play with them.

A Nagging Worry

It is late Saturday evening when I finally publish “Hot Sauce Horror.” I am emotionally exhausted but profoundly relieved to have made it through such a grueling integration process. The journey has taken me to the depths of my obsession with unhealed healers and fixers, profoundly reminding me that the world is my creation and that everything out there is a perfect reflection showing me my own unhealed projections.

It has been a crazy week – a week of intense integrative writing, emotional meditation journeys, and a bizarre day on Keith’s porch – a week that has served me greatly.

As I drift off to sleep on Saturday evening, I reflect back on those two beautiful little sparrows from early this afternoon.

I feel the peace of those Bob Marley words saying, “Don’t worry about a thing” … yet a nagging worry is again beginning to consume me. Tomorrow I will be back in another chocolate ceremony. There is no doubt that my energy will again attract more healing opportunities in the area of “unhealed healers.”

Part of me worries that I will simply shut my feelings down, not feeling safe in expressing my emotions. The other part worries that I may explode in anger with some of the same expressions that have come flying out of my mouth during meditations on Thursday and Friday morning.

The only thing I know for sure is that I will attend the ceremony tomorrow with pure love in my heart, trusting that the synchronous flow will work wonders, as it always does.

Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved