Early Sunday afternoon, December 11, I sit quietly on an overstuffed pillow, next to Keith’s kitchen door. Peace fills my heart, and trust permeates my soul. Yet, a part of me is on edge – continuing to sit in the nagging worry about whether or not I will ever again feel safe in expressing emotions on Keith’s magical porch.
During our initial porch discussions – a period when Keith spends thirty to forty-five minutes setting the stage for our process – Keith goes out of his way to spend at least ten minutes discussing the power and importance of creating a safe space for emotional release. In beautiful words, Keith gently teaches about what is and is not in alignment with the purpose of his ceremonies. I love Keith’s words. They make it clear to all involved that emotional processing is not only safe here, but that it is encouraged – that it is an integral part of what we do.
As the glow meditation proceeds, I do everything I can to bring in and radiate light. The only thing I want to do today is to fill myself with light and then shine it for others. It seems the Universe has a strange sense of humor – taking me in a totally different direction.
A Demanding Heart
With each breath I take, my belly grows more painful. My entire abdomen gradually swells, becoming increasingly bloated. As I attempt to relax and to inhale more light into my heart, the response seems to be like the sensation of a dull knife being jabbed around inside of my solar plexus – my power center. By the time the glow meditation concludes, I am in painful agony. I know that what swirls around inside of me is none other than repressed anger.
“Brenda,” Keith turns to me soon after the glow meditation is over. “What’s up today?”
How I wish I could simply fade into the woodwork – to just smile and keep my mouth shut. But my heart demands a more emotionally honest response – my heart demands that I speak my truth.
Power And Truth
Swallowing my pride, along with all sense of social propriety, I just go for it.
“I had no intention of going into any emotion today.” I blurt out in pain. “That is the last thing I wanted to do. I am still not even sure if I feel safe going into emotion here on the porch anymore.”
“My abdomen is swirling with agonizing anger.” I continue to share through streams of tears. “It seems that for several weeks I have been manifesting a strong fixing energy here on the porch. I know it has been perfect for my process – a process of understanding and healing my projections about unhealed healers – especially with my mother. I know it has been a powerful process in learning to find my power and to speak my truth – to take back my creativity and genuine expression.”
Courageous Words
“But, if anyone here on the porch professes to be a healer … and if you are simultaneously trying to suppress the emotional expression of others,” I forcefully share my anger, “I have something I need to say.”
“F@ck you and shame on you!” I exclaim powerfully through my sobs.
I cannot make eye contact, and my head is bent forward as huge tears continue to stream down my cheeks.
“This type of emotional release is one of the most profound types of healing here on the porch,” I continue, “and it needs to be safe and encouraged. I know I am projecting, that this is all a part of my own powerful process, and I want to be clear that my words are not aimed personally at anyone on the porch. I know that this is all part of my own manifest creation – that I have been attracting fixing energy like flies to meat – and that it has all been perfect for my growth.”
An Empowered Speech
“It has taken me a full year to get to the point where I can profoundly feel and deeply acknowledge the psychological and emotional trauma through which I passed as a child.” I tearfully continue. “And I had to cry my way through most of the blockages that kept me from getting to this point. My childhood shutdown was so severe that I have found it extremely difficult to trust the higher energies … I have had to do much of my process the hard way.”
“I am angry at those who have attempted to suppress such emotion over the last few weeks – a period where it has felt increasingly rejected by certain people.”
“For some of you, I get the feeling that you believe that what I am doing – the tears and emotions – are weak and wimpy. I am tired of being suppressed by such cultural attitudes. I am not weak in crying – I am taking back my power. Right now, as I bawl my eyes out, I am more empowered than I have ever been in my entire life – in fifty-six years.”
Eye Contact
As my emotional tirade concludes, I sit whimpering quietly. My head faces the ground, where saturated tissues are scattered all around me. The pain in my solar plexus remains intense. It is a pain that has now been forcefully joined by churning and shaking.
I try to connect to higher energies – to release the emotion that is inside of me with higher assistance – to do so in a way that is less work – but I struggle. I cannot focus and I cannot look at anyone.
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly coaches me, “I want you to look in the eyes of that beautiful woman across the porch.”
As I glance up at a new friend, a woman who recognized me on the street after reading small parts of my blog, I see a compassionate, understanding, tear-filled face glowing back at me, radiating pure love.
She expresses a few words of deep gratitude and complete agreement, backing up my courageous words with her heart and glowing support.
Peaceful Emptiness
Keith talks to me for a while, supporting me, acknowledging what I have said and done, and lovingly helping me to reconnect with those around me.
“Look around the whole porch.” Keith guides me. “Look at how people are holding space for you.”
As I briefly make eye contact with most people in this very-crowded Sunday chocolate ceremony, I see the many tear-filled eyes of others who have been deeply moved by my courageous words – of others who now feel safe to further engage in their own healing processes.
But I remain so deep in my own pain that I cannot do much more than cry and whimper while interacting with Keith’s gentle guidance. As I later attempt to remember this phase of my process, the memories seem to have vanished, being replaced by peaceful emptiness.
Permission To Process
More powerful emotional release takes place today on the porch than I have seen in the last several weeks combined.
When working with one woman, as Keith asks her what is up for her, she gratefully acknowledges my courageous process, indicating that her issue has also been one of struggling with the “unhealed healers” of the world. “It is time to take my power back,” she shares with Keith during her deep emotional processing.
Another friend later tells me that because of my work, she had finally felt safe in going deeper into her own stuck process – lovingly telling me that by doing what I did, it gave her powerful permission to go where she needed to go.
Yet another woman – one with whom I have repeatedly exchanged projections – hits profound emotional release during the ceremony. I have no memory of ever seeing her cry before today. To my delight, she releases an entire lake of repressed tears, finally opening the vault of bottled up pain. I feel nothing but radiant love for her.
Even several of the men seem suddenly transformed, giving themselves permission to express and feel varying degrees of emotional release. One man who had previously resisted emotional work ended up holding a profound powerful space for the entire porch through much of the ceremony, radiating huge quantities of light and love.
Chaotic Challenge
But all is not necessarily fun and games. One woman seems offended and terrified by what has taken place, bolting quietly out of the ceremony quite early. I can empathically feel the intensity of her repressed emotions. I also observe as one man behaves quite strangely and resistant to the emotional processing that is now so prevalent.
My heart tells me that the emotional reactions of these other people are also critical for their own healing and growth – that these beautiful people are feeling threatened by having their own world views put into chaotic challenge – that all will work out beautifully in the end.
New Levels
After my initial outburst, I do not outwardly participate much in the ceremony – other than to continue my own deep inner journey of feeling pain, shedding various forms of tears (from whimpers to sobs), and attempting to bring in more light.
At one point, as a casual friend sinks deeply into her extended release of agonizing tears, my heart overflows with loving compassion and forgiveness. When I look into the eyes of this woman, I see my own mother – I feel my mother’s pain – the pain of the woman who was chiefly responsible for suppressing my childhood magic. As I observe with love, I feel my mother’s agony and the emotional trauma of her own childhood shutdown.
As this process continues, a new level of forgiveness and unconditional love opens up in my heart.
A Love/Hate Relationship
Yet my heart remains stuck during much of the ceremony. Once my own painful emotional release process subsides, I do manage to hold a powerful space of love for the work of others – but my heart is handicapped – restricted – not running on full power.
When all is said and done, I am exhausted. I remain for a few minutes after ceremony to touch base with Keith – gleaning his wisdom, while asking for understanding, advice, and feedback regarding various observations of my own.
As I finally prepare for an early bedtime, I am in a love/hate relationship with emotional processing. I am so utterly tired of baring my soul – so tired of crying – so tired of surrendering to random emotions that I know I could easily suppress and ignore. Yet on the other hand, I am deeply grateful for the ever-increasing energetic awakening that is taking place throughout my body – grateful for the insights and understandings that continue to blow me away in the area of “Know myself.”
Consuming Peace
I am deeply proud of my courage today. I know that my actions really did open the door for many people, giving them much needed permission – permission to venture more deeply into their own frightening emotional processes – permission to courageously speak their own truth.
While meditating on my pillow in the darkness of my room, I revel in the glow of the flow. As much as I did not even want to open my mouth today – as much as I resisted the thought of expressing any emotion at all – I am so grateful for the synchronous flow.
The Universe did indeed have a strange sense of humor in the ceremony today– not allowing me to simply sit back in peaceful repression – forcing me to be in so much emotional and physical agony during that initial glow meditation, that speaking my truth seemed to be the only way out – the only way to return to peace.
I can now only laugh with joy at the result – giggling in the peace that now consumes me as I drift off to sleep.
Copyright © 2011 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved