Brenda's Bicycles

I was eight years old when Martin Luther King delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech in Washington, D.C., and barely thirteen years old when this beautiful and inspired man was assassinated while standing on the second floor balcony of a motel in Memphis, Tennessee.

Being young and disconnected from politics, I received most all of my limited information from parents, siblings, friends, and some media. I am sorry to say that based on my available input at the time, I saw Dr. King as an angry rebel who organized huge riots and marches during the turbulent civil rights movements and anti-Vietnam-war protests. I judged and hated him because of the trouble I believed him to be causing in our country.

In 1986, while still locked into the influence of my former childhood beliefs, I secretively felt shocked and appalled when Martin Luther King’s birthday became a U.S. Federal holiday.

It took me the better part of the next decade to open my heart and mind, to learn the truth, to drop the lies that clouded my jaded vision, and to recognize Dr. King as a true and inspired hero. He was a man who represented Christ-like principles while leading a non-violent movement – an incredibly difficult movement to bring new elements of awakening and awareness to a still-sleeping society.

Necessary Caveats

I have done this in the past, but before proceeding into what for some may be seen as a very controversial piece of writing, I need to again spell out some of my profound core beliefs. I have no desire to convince anyone else of the truth of these beliefs. These are simply my beliefs – beliefs that come from deep soul searching, from profound spiritual experiences and inner guidance. Call me utterly crazy and laugh at me if you will.

It is impossible for me to preface every piece of writing, or Facebook comment, with these caveats. No matter what I say or do not say, I have no control over how others may choose to perceive my words.

Each of us sees our own unique version of the world around us. We see it based on our past experiences, our unhealed emotions, our love, our lack of love, our past traumas, our hidden judgments, our unstoppable joy, our feelings of powerlessness and depression, our feelings of unbridled freedom, and everything in between.

Caveat One: Reality Creation

I believe that everything I experience in my reality is either something that I create or allow.

There is no fine print to this belief. For me, this is not just a perceptual creation – it is literal. I now experience this literal creation on a daily basis. I believe we each live in what might be metaphorically compared to a holodeck-like reality. Not only do I see the world around me through my own filtered lenses, but also, at a level just outside of my conscious awareness, my energy vibrations literally attract, at a physical level, exactly what I need for my growth.

The world is literally an energetic mirror, showing me a reflection of my inner state of consciousness. If I have an inner issue of feeling that “love always brings rejection,” then I will continuously attract people into my life that reject me, proving this belief to be true.

Caveat Two: Life Circumstances

I believe with all of my heart that I set up the circumstances of my life before coming to this physical realm. I carefully selected my parents, my birth location and time, and all of the struggles that I would initially face.

I intentionally chose to be born into a deeply religious family … I personally chose circumstances that would invalidate my inner magic … I chose to be faced with transgendered feelings … I chose to get lost in a life of strict conformity that would invalidate my uniqueness, my creativity, my gender issues, and my energetic sensitivities.

I continue to energetically attract everything in my entire life to teach me what I came to this earth to learn. I hid my biggest treasures behind my greatest struggles, so that once I lovingly transcend these struggles I will have the inner license to use those gifts to shine my own light – my own unique and magical inner light that I came into this world to shine.

I have no need for anyone else to see that light. I do not seek approval or permission to follow my heart. I will shine my light freely whether I am alone or in the midst of thousands – whether people love me or despise me.

Caveat Three: My Parents

I love and honor my parents with all of my heart. They, and all of my ancestors, were wonderful people, doing absolutely the best they knew how, following their hearts, striving to be righteous, working hard to raise their children, and faithfully honoring their God with Christ-like devotion. I had the absolute best parents in the world.

The genuine intent of my writing does not invalidate that love and honor in any way. If someone perceives my writing as such, that perception is beyond my power to control.

It is impossible for me to discuss my healing journey without also talking about my interactions with parents. When I do discuss childhood interactions, I am talking about the perceptions of a frightened and confused child who did not know then what I do now. There is no blame in my heart – only a genuine desire to undo hidden childhood pains that continue to secretly control my subconscious mind – buried emotions that hide and feed into dysfunctional belief systems that I wish to heal.

The more I heal my life, the more I deepen the love and appreciation for my parents. Yes, of course, I experienced intense emotional trauma, some of which involved the participation of my beautiful, loving parents. No, I do not blame them for the trauma in any way. They were simply well intentioned and unknowing participants.

I strive to frequently explain these caveats where appropriate, hoping to clearly elucidate these facts, but I can never do it enough to satisfy everyone – especially the casual reader who only reads the occasional blog or scattered paragraphs of a blog.

Caveat Four: An Inside Job

I frequently explain Keith’s rules for relationships – rules that apply to every type of relationship. Whenever I feel emotionally triggered, I know that the real issue is not “out there” but is instead inside of me – being an “inside job”.

Rule one states that, “It is never about them.” When someone says or does something that makes me angry, it is not really the present-day messenger that triggers me … it goes much deeper, usually being traceable back to events very early in my life.

Rule two states, “It is not about what it is about.” If someone does something that hurts my feelings, the present event is simply showing me an inner button that gets pushed over and over again. It is only when I dig deep inside that I am able to discover what that button is all about, so that I can then release it.

Rule three is, “Nothing changes until I do.” Reality is a mirror of my vibrational consciousness. I cannot look in a mirror with a scowl and demand that the mirror smile back at me. It is only after I change myself that my reflection will show a different world.

While I passionately embrace this belief that everything is an “Inside Job,” I am still human, and sometimes initially struggle to apply the concept. My heart, however, is genuinely focused in this endeavor.

A New Perspective

In the last four months, I have watched with amazement as grassroots “occupy” movements sprang up all over the world. As I observed the unfolding events from afar via Facebook and YouTube videos, I was quite surprised to witness the intense polarity.

When looking through the eyes of the occupy protesters, I could feel their love and their passionate desire to help the sleeping masses wake up to the reality of what they see happening in our world. I deeply resonate with their desire for non-violence, with their desire to help the world awaken to a new level of truth – a version of truth that the media refuses to broadcast.

When looking through the eyes of online newspapers and television clips, I saw an entirely opposite perspective – one of belittling the occupiers, making fun of them, slandering them, joking about them, portraying them as lazy, angry and violent, justifying turbulent reprisals by law enforcement – an obvious attempt to sway public opinion against them and to discount their message.

When watching through the eyes of friends and family on Facebook, I saw extremely polarized opinions – ranging from passionately embracing the movement to intense judgment and anger at those participating.

Prior to 1986, while living in my old cocoon – while still judging people like Martin Luther King – I would have been at the forefront of that judgmental angry opposition. It is amazing how perspectives can change when examining reality through different filters.

Crab Baskets

Much of my writing of this past year has focused on my unfolding clarity about the conditioning process that happened in my life – conditioning that happens to most all of us in one way or another – conditioning that happens in beautiful, loving, normal homes – conditioning that teaches us to quietly and obediently conform to the way things are, never questioning.

Most of the conditioning happens in our families, in the media, in video games, in movies, at church, and especially in our schools. We are trained that intelligence means memorizing the answers, and in then being able to recite the answers back exactly as they were given to us. Anything “out of the box” is almost always discouraged and even reprimanded.

A metaphor that frequently comes to mind is that of the fishermen who put crabs in an open basket – a basket that does not need a lid. As soon as a crab begins to crawl out of the basket, the others will reach up and grab him, pulling him back down inside.

Attempting to climb out of my own basket has been tedious and emotionally painful. It is quite frightening to leave the conditioning behind. Those who are happy remaining in the basket often seem quite horrified or angry to see someone trying to climb out. In the past, many have used love as a tool to shame and manipulate me – to instill guilt for having the horrible audacity to even think about doing things a different way.

Loving Training

Don Miguel Ruiz, in his well-known book “The Four Agreements,” talks about it extensively in a chapter titled “The Domestication of the Planet.”

Dr. Wayne Dyer, in his beautiful little book “Ten Secrets for Success and Inner Peace,” devotes the entire first chapter to helping people understand the conditioning process through which we all pass.

As a child in a happy and loving home, I was taught what language to speak, what religion to follow, what political party to believe in, what type of education to get, how to dress, to eat, to behave, to think, to judge, to react, and how to feel (or not feel). We were all given similar boxes in which to live.

Just last week, I watched a beautiful YouTube video of Ester Hicks channeling Abraham. (Abraham Hicks – You Were Born With a Guidance System) At one point in the video, I was quite surprised to hear her use a metaphor I thought I cooked up on my own – a metaphor of how many of us as adults “break our children” just like we might “break a horse” – that eventually the child will give up and simply surrender to the parental authority. The child’s feelings are not even considered.

I am astounded at how I am now constantly running across quotes, videos, and teachers who talk about the same type of thing.

Wham Wham Wham

To loosely paraphrase “A Course In Miracles”, the process of enlightenment is not one of doing, but of undoing the things in our mind that keep us trapped in seeing only the past and in protecting ourselves from a fearful future.

A description of the burden card of the Osho Zen Tarot deck describes the undoing in a different way, saying that: “The truth has not to be achieved… it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped… Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie’s way to hide.”

The negative aspects of ego that run around in my mind, masquerading as me, are constantly trying to drag me into doubts and beliefs of the past, or fears of the future. I am currently passionately engaged in a journey to find all of those crazy-making ego beliefs. The journey of facing inner demons is not always pleasant, but the intermediate pauses always bring great peace and clarity.

The closer I get to shining a light on the ego lies, to undoing them through “know myself,” the more crazy and agitated those little energetic beliefs become.

Keith tells me that when one nears the end of the process, they literally attract the “wham wham wham” of ego tricks – of an ego that is frantically attempting to retain power and control.

Making Darkness Conscious

In the last two weeks, I have been going through just such a “wham wham wham” process. It has been a beautiful-but-agonizingly-painful process. There have been times where I clearly recognize that if I were living in the United States – living around people who do not understand my process – that they literally may have tried to commit me to a mental hospital.

I must make it clear that none of the emotional processing I am working on has absolutely anything to do with “decisions” I have made in my life. I am absolutely content and perfectly happy with the guidance that has taken me where I now find myself.

This processing is much deeper. In our chocolate ceremonies, we use meditation to connect with both our dark shadow and our light shadow – connecting with our caring subconscious mind and connecting with the even scarier light being that we really are.

Keith often says, “Most people would rather die than go into their inner issues.”

Carl Jung once said, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls.” (Contributions to Analytical Psychology (1928) P.193).

Carl Jung also said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.” (The Philosophical Tree (1945). In CW 13 Alchemical Studies. P.355).

My own personal experience validates these statements. There have been times in the last two weeks that my fear of going deeper was so great that I can honestly say that part of me would have rather died … and my process is yet far from complete.

Lost And Bewildered

On Tuesday morning, January 17, I reached a point in my process where I was feeling very lost, confused, and vulnerable, a low point in my process of “craziness undoing.” Right at the perfect moment (as always seems to happen now) I find a quote on Facebook.

“The spiritual journey has nothing to do with following the map of another person’s findings. It is the simplicity of realizing, those who are willing to be lost and bewildered are the ones who find the truth.” Matt Kahn, Facebook Page: Sacred Heart Wisdom from Matt Kahn.

Loving this quote and deeply resonating with its wisdom, I share it on Facebook for all to see, adding my comment of vulnerability: “Today, I am right back in that space of being lost and bewildered … I love this quote. It gives me a little hope and sanity …”

Vulnerable Setup

After a couple of friends make supportive comments, I innocently post a follow up comment, “Yeah … it is all part of my deep processing to learn about the voices in my head and to unravel the ego loops that trap me. I got into a place last night where I realized that from day one (as a newborn) I had been taught and conditioned by people that invalidated the true voice of my heart … I got into another crazy state of questioning every voice in my head and questioning reality ever deeper. I’m doing much better for now.”

It does not even occur to me to add a caveat of how much I love and honor my parents – a caveat that the “invalidation” I am referring to is all of the every-day societal conditioning, beginning with loving parents, but also including church, teachers, friends, media, etc… Adding clarifying caveats at such a vulnerable point in my process does not even cross my mind. Blame is not even in my vocabulary.

Wishful Thinking

By Thursday, in the middle of continued deep processing, I reach a profound and deeper understanding of how I have the concept of love subconsciously hooked with pain.

I recognize a lifelong pattern playing out – a pattern that whenever I open my genuine heart, I seem to attract those who want to step on it, thus encountering pain, rejection, and abandonment.

This is not a statement of victimization – it is simply a blameless realization that something inside of me energetically continues to attract such pain whenever I bare my soul. I am determined to dig deeper into that inner darkness.

Both Wednesday and Thursday, I also reach a state where I am finally able to start allowing much deeper levels of self-love energies – something I thought I had all along, but that I now realize has only been wishful thinking.

Bad Gets Badder

Another tidbit of wisdom that Keith frequently shares is that “When the good gets ‘gooder’, the bad gets ‘badder’.” In other words, our reality is a projection of our inner state of consciousness. If we increase the light in our inner projector, we increase the intensity of everything projected from inside of us. If we have unaddressed/unprocessed emotional issues, then, as we bring in more light, the projection of those inner issues in the mirror of reality will also intensify.

Validating this statement, I am surprised that both times I succeed in allowing in more profound energies of divine self-love, that I then wake up in the middle of the night with intense anxiety in my abdomen – anxious energy that seems to be screaming “STOP, we don’t want to further open our heart. There is a reason we shut it all down.”

A Blame Attack

In a beautiful twist of “creating my reality” and attracting that which I need for my growth, just twenty minutes before leaving for the Friday chocolate ceremony, I open my Facebook account and find a scolding comment from an extended family member – a beautiful soul that I love with all my heart. In the comment, I am deeply (but lovingly) reprimanded for blaming and faulting my parents, for not honoring them and their memory, for making all of my problems be “everyone else’s fault.”

It seems that I have been given a perfectly timed, real-life opportunity to heal the very deep emotional loop that I am beginning to work on – a subconscious belief that when I open my heart in a genuine and vulnerable way, that I will just meet pain, rejection, and abandonment.

The belief goes even deeper – a profound sense of knowing that whenever I have felt attacked by a loved one, that I have desperately attempted to explain myself – a process that has only met deeper misunderstanding and further attack.

When In Doubt, Don’t

I am stuck, spiraling in emotional pain, feeling helpless as I ponder that I do not have a clue as to how to respond – I’m feeling an old “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” sense of futility and powerlessness.

I know I energetically invited this encounter of words – I profoundly understand that it is a perfectly timed part of my healing process – but I feel terrified to respond in any way.

If I defend myself, I only make things worse and I am not honoring my own spiritual beliefs of everything being an “Inside job” and of “Creating my reality.”

But if I simply do not respond, that also will be seen as a copout. I know I must respond, but the experience has launched me so deep into my old familiar emotional loop that I dare not say anything.

“When in doubt, don’t” Keith reminds me when I ask for his advice.

Synchronously Sinking Heart

It takes me all the way until Sunday morning to establish a beautiful and balanced space of inner peace where I know I can finally compose and send a beautiful, humble, and loving response to my extended family member.

But before doing so, I spend two hours watching a movie, then take a shower and finally cook up a quick batch of oatmeal.

In another precisely timed twist of “Create my own reality” synchronicity, at the exact instant that I sit down at my computer to begin composing a heartfelt, apologetic response, I see a “so-and-so has liked your comment” message momentarily pop up in the lower left hand corner of my screen.

The name on the message is that of someone who used to be a very dear friend. Our friendship ended in painful flames over seven years ago. I had believed my pains to be long healed … but when I note that this former friend has “liked” the blaming comment from my extended family member, my heart sinks through the floor.

Public Private Public

Immediately, I realize that I had unthinkingly made my entire comment thread public, available for anyone to read and comment. Instinctively, I quickly flag the thread as “Facebook friends only” but then another thought reprimands me.

“No,” the Jedi voice shouts silently. “Put it back to public. This is part of your healing journey and you need to face this.”

The very instant that I switch the thread back to “public,” a comment from this former friend instantly shows up on the screen. My heart sinks even lower as I begin to read.

Pulsing Anxiety

This former friend mysteriously talks and warns me of how she came to check on me … and then ends with a slam couched in love.

“Hope you are having wonderful experiences where you are and that in your growth and learning you can find a way to come to grips with your own life and choices without continuing to slam and hurt those around you who love you.”

If the words did not come with such a painful emotional charge in my belly, I would almost burst out laughing. The synchronous timing of this communication is uncanny. After over seven years of silence (except for a couple of chance encounters around five years ago), for this comment to show up at this precise moment, I am flabbergasted.

The shocking part is that the very instant I read this friend’s words, my abdomen rages with pulsing anxiety and hurtful emotions.

I know I will be unable to focus at home, so I immediately pack up and wander over to Keith’s house, showing up at the Sunday chocolate ceremony an hour early.

Needing To Be Right

“Help, Keith.” I beg for guidance. “The timing is unbelievable. There is no doubt that I created this reality – that it is perfectly timed to take me another level deeper in this emotional loop of “love equals pain, rejection, and abandonment. Do you mind if I just sit here and meditate on your porch before the ceremony? I can’t be alone right now.”

For the next hour, I meditate while Keith periodically steps out onto the porch to give me inspired guidance and feedback.

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly coaches, “this is just another step in teaching you how to let go of needing to be right, and to let go of caring what other people think.”

Hanging On The Edge

Keith and I banter many ideas back and forth, as I share various metaphors and thoughts that pop into my head.

“I’m remembering a David Icke conspiracy video I watched last fall.” I share with Keith. “He talked about the intense pain in his life as people hounded him and made fun of him for his crazy theories. He mentioned how profoundly healing and peaceful he felt when he finally reached such a state of inner strength in which he no longer cared what other people thought of him.”

“That is where I want to get.” I tell Keith. “I have a foot in both worlds … not in a good way but in a stuck way. I am terrified of completely leaving my old crab basket. I seem to be tightly gripping one pincher to the top edge of the basket as I am hanging on the outside. I will not let go until I know I will not lose my family and all that I love. Yet, while I am hanging here, I cannot be in my new world either.”

Shining My Light

“Keith,” I begin to cry, “I’m terrified that if I let go I will indeed loose all my loved ones. They will think me so absolutely crazy that they will have nothing more to do with me.”

“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “connect with them energetically. If you connect with their higher essence, what do they really want from you?”

“They need me to be free and to shine my own light.” I eventually respond with confidence. “They may or many not follow me – that does not matter – but they need me to shine my light.”

An Empathic Friendship

Later in the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony, as Keith is conducting an empath training, I am especially emotional as I contemplate yes/no/yes/no fears of opening/not-opening my empath sensitivities even wider. Suddenly, Keith says something that triggers profound memories of my friendship with the former friend who synchronously commented this morning.

Our friendship had been beautiful, but throughout that relationship, I had always been the quiet listener and the sounding board. This friend, who I loved (and still love) very much, struggled deeply with profound and often volatile mood swings. Most of our interactions involved me listening while she repeatedly unloaded emotion after emotion caused by other situations in her life.

Invariably, after such conversations, many of which took place on the phone while I was at work, she would graciously thank me for listening and helping her to feel better. As we ended the conversation, she would be happy and bubbly, and I would go away emotionally drained, requiring a couple of days to recover and re-center myself.

“I was an unknowing empath in that relationship.” I suddenly realize with shock. “I took it all inside of me, believed it was mine, and struggled to let it go.”

Beginning To Understand

“Keith,” I interrupt the empath training. “All of that deep emotional charge that I suddenly felt this morning after opening my friend’s comment … was that my own emotional stuff … or did I unknowingly suck in her emotions from thousands of miles away?”

“What do you think?” Keith asks, making me find my own answer.

“It wasn’t mine at all. I did the same thing with her this morning that I did throughout our friendship. I connected with her – I felt her judgment, anger, and pain – and I sucked it inside of my belly, believing it to be my own.”

“Now you’re beginning to understand.” Keith congratulates me.

Personal Saviors

Last night, as I once again agonized over “how do I respond to these two depressing comments?” I am suddenly overwhelmed with new realization.

“I can respond by simply documenting and integrating my own healing process.” I begin to giggle with delight. “I don’t need to be right or wrong, and I don’t need to make them right or wrong either. While I do not wish them to hate me, I have no need for them to love me either. That is their choice.”

I clearly see how both comments, in profoundly synchronous ways, contributed deeply to my healing process. The timing is so blatantly obvious that I could never deny that everything happened perfectly. This “create my own reality” stuff is blowing me away.

If I truly believe that I create my own reality, that everything is an inside job, and that nothing changes until I do, then I need to see these comments as a Godsend, as my personal saviors – as something giving me another opportunity to heal and grow.

Clinging To The Chrysalis

As I have learned about the childhood conditioning process through which I passed, I have often thought of that conditioning as being equivalent to having been put into a restrictive box. This morning, the metaphor of a cocoon flashed into my mind – but then quickly transformed itself into that of a chrysalis.

Yes, I did indeed choose my birth circumstances before coming to this earth, and I deeply love and honor the parents that I selected to “program me” for the first part of my journey through this physical reality.

Like most of us, I was indeed taught to live in a tiny judgmental box. I was guided to believe that in order to be loved and rewarded in heaven, I must remain in that box as a caterpillar for the remainder of my mortal life. This is the only type of love I knew … a love insisting that I, “Obey and conform, or be judged.”

I now suddenly realize something new. This tiny little box was not a prison cell at all, but was instead a chrysalis. I am a magical butterfly who has chewed her way out of the chrysalis and is finally preparing to spread her wings to fly. The only thing holding me back is a strange subconscious belief telling me that I must cling to that chrysalis … screaming that I will lose all hope of love if I actually fly up into the sky and expand my horizons.

There are many in the world who will judge me harshly for spreading my wings and for taking to the skies. If I were to travel back in time, I would most likely be one of those pointing the angry finger in my direction. But I am finally reaching a point where I am beginning to realize that clinging to my chrysalis serves no one. I cannot control who will love or hate me. I can only continue to heal myself.

And the more I heal, the more the truth becomes increasingly obvious. As I truly learn to love myself – to allow myself to fill with that divine unconditional love – I will always have ample overflowing love to share with everyone in my life. The act of flying simply expands my capacity to love.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved