Note: this is part two of a three-part story. If you have not yet read “Part 1,” you may want to read it first …
Anxiety and fear pulse in my veins as I contemplate going back in time to write about emotionally traumatizing experiences from Christmas Eve. As I sit with my laptop on my daybed, I feel an imaginary dragon towering above my head – a frightening dragon so close that the heat of his disgustingly smelly breath nearly singes the hairs on the back of my neck.
“How can I possibly capture the events of that crazy afternoon without distorting them … without making me sound crazy … without giving people a negative opinion of Keith?” I ponder. “Even now, as I review my notes and re-experience the emotions of that day, just over five weeks ago, I do not yet even fully understand what actually happened … and an emotional charge continues to thump away in my solar plexus.”
“The only way to do it,” my heart responds, “is to describe the events exactly as I perceived them on that day – through my own confused eyes. Further understanding will unfold only through this writing and integration process.”
A Subtle Refusal
Shortly before 3:00 p.m., on an emotional Christmas Eve that feels nothing like Christmas, I engage in a long, slow, depressing stroll out to Keith’s porch. I do not feel understood by my teacher. In fact, I feel like a frightened and wounded child, desperately craving an opportunity to be heard, to feel validated in my struggles, to simply do things my way – just this once. My biggest fear is that my needs will be rejected, brushed away, and ignored.
I have asked my friend, a woman I am calling Susan, to join us in my chat with Keith. I want to do some deep emotional processing, a type of experiential processing that I trust, and I want to do it with real, physical, “stand in” parents. I love Susan so much. I know she will be a beautiful part of my process.
As I near Keith’s house, I again review the beautiful words Keith had written in his email response to my request for a private session. As kind as his words are, I interpret them as a subtle refusal to honor my feelings. Following are those words:
“I feel for you. I am listening and hearing … however your need to be in control of the situation is quite strong. It isn’t mind not allowing. It can’t be fixed at that level as it is not on that level. So do come over and talk. Perhaps we can take a walk into the place where these issues are.”
Wishful Thinking
I am excited as I begin to share my tediously-obtained overnight inspirations with Keith and Susan. I quickly explain how I have identified a profound mental loop that keeps me trapped, a loop that says:
“I will not allow help from higher energies until I understand.
I will not understand until I have the actual experience.
I will not have the actual experience until I allow the help.”
“Please, Keith.” I beg Keith while verbally explaining these insights. “Please just help me understand at the only level that I fully trust right now – at the level of my mind. Then maybe I can move beyond this loop, getting my mind out of the way so I can actually move deeper into the experiences I need and crave.”
A Painful Standoff
After a brief rational-mind level conversation – one in which I lead the way – I explain my desire to do an experiential emotional release process – a process to give my little inner child a voice – a process in which I can finally express my repressed and never-publicly-expressed emotions in a powerful way – a process in which Keith and Susan would simply listen and hold space as my proxy parents.
“Brenda,” Keith firmly shares a strong counter opinion. “The voice you want to express is not that of your little child, but is one of ego, masquerading as that child. Such a process will not lead to the love you seek.”
I vehemently disagree with Keith, trying to explain that I have done and participated in such processes hundreds of times. Just as in any emotional release process, I know that such wounded-child voices, when expressed, are not the real truth – that they are the “truth with a lowercase-t.” I know such painful voices originate from ego, but my profound long-term experience is that until those repressed pains are released and expressed, that those deceptive ego lies remain hidden inside.
A Question Of Empowerment
“Once those voices are expressed,” I try to explain to Keith, “then I will have space inside to bring in the loving “Truth with a capital T” that I desire.”
“I have seen such processes before.” Keith strongly warns me. “And my experience with them is that they simply further empower the ego.”
I know that Keith has never seen such processes done in the way that I was taught by an inspired and intuitive therapist. Whenever I have done them, I always come away with another emotional layer being deeply healed, and filled with pure love.
Yes, I have to admit that I have seen a person or two walk away from such processes with a more empowered ego – one that had an “F-you” attitude toward people who might try to re-victimize them – but that is not what I want to do.
I have repeatedly experienced absolute proof that my type of process usually results in genuine release and pure loving growth. I feel devastated that Keith will not trust and respect my experience in this matter.
Patronized And Defiant
“I feel that engaging in such a process is definitely an expression of ego.” Keith again insists. “But let’s go ahead and do it if you still want to. Then we will see over the next couple of weeks how the love opens up.”
I feel deeply patronized by my teacher’s statement. In my current state of mind, I interpret his words as saying “Since you feel so strongly, I’ll let you mess things up. Then, in a couple of weeks, when you can finally see the error of your ways, you can come crawling back to me and I will help you do it the right way.”
I want to scream in defiance, but instead, I simply pout. My heart pounds in rebellion. I feel deeply misunderstood, not heard, manipulatively invalidated, and absolutely shocked. It seems that I can say nothing right – that all of my desires are being made wrong.
An Unknowing Role-Play
“This is exactly what happened to me as a child.” I speak back to Keith. “My parents would not hear me, and they would not validate my feelings, they would not allow me do things my way – instead they lovingly smothered me with their all-knowing version of the truth.”
“You’re just role-playing with me again, aren’t you?” I beg Keith for clarity. “You’re just participating in this craziness to show me how I felt as a child.”
“No, Brenda,” Keith shocks me with his seriousness. “We are not role-playing. This is real, and I am just trying to help you.”
To make matters worse, Keith turns to my friend Susan and asks her to express what she is observing and perceiving. To my shock, she fully agrees with Keith’s assessment.
This experience is so profound and bizarre that I continue to believe it to be an elaborate setup – a stage play recreation orchestrated at a higher dimensional level, even beyond Keith’s awareness. If Keith were to acknowledge awareness of this, I know it would diminish the effectiveness of what is happening.
Keith and Susan are literally doing to me what my parents did to me. They are playing the role of loving parents who are absolutely convinced that they know what is best for me. I feel like a powerless little child, sitting in front of my real parents. They are condescending and invalidating my genuine heart, telling me that I am wrong, when I know I am right, telling me that I am confused and need to just listen to them and do things their way.
Confusion And Doubt
“Close your eyes, Brenda.” Keith guides me into meditation. “Find a basket and let me know what is inside it.”
By now, I am quite shutdown and meditation is the last thing I want to do. I want to talk. I want to be understood. I do not trust my ability to connect with anything at the subconscious level. But realizing that this session is not going to proceed in the way I want – that my wishes will not be met – I surrender and attempt to trust, hoping for some type of positive outcome.
Immediately, confusion and doubt consume me. I cannot meditatively see or feel a basket, or anything in it.
Shut Up And Listen
“If you can tell me that your statement about me being in ‘ego’ is coming out of divine guidance then I will trust and submit to your way of working.” I express my genuine doubt and fear to Keith.
I desperately want what my little child never had. I want the right to doubt the “truth” of my parents, to have my own feelings, without being invalidated and made wrong.
“I am doing things the way I have always done them.” Keith responds.
In reality, Keith is reassuring me that his guidance is every bit as powerful as it has always been, but to my little child, this feels like an answer telling me, “No, I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear, I’m not going to tell you how I know what I know … now just shut up and listen to me and trust me because I’m trying to help you.”
“Why can’t you just tell me what I need to hear so I can have the confidence I need to back down from my resistance and allow myself to listen to you?” I beg Keith.
A Freudian Slip
“Brenda,” Keith then further infuriates me. “That last statement was totally from ego.”
Keith goes on to explain that the very words ‘backing down’ came from me speaking as ego, indicating that ego feels cornered and is lashing out.
“Keith,” I reply with frustration, “You are twisting my words to mean something that was completely different than what I genuinely wanted to communicate. Why won’t you believe me?”
“That Freudian slip was real.” Keith insists. “It may not have been your intent, but it is exactly what came out of your mouth.”
No matter how I attempt to convince Keith otherwise, he insists that my words are proof that ego is running the show here – that ego is lurking in the shadows behind my words.
A Loving Heart?
The fact that Keith is being so loving and gentle with me only serves to drive me crazy.
He is behaving so like my kind and wonderful parents. They were so skilled at lovingly correcting my folly, at invalidating my attempts to stray from their guidance with a condescending hug, at respectfully telling me to quit resisting and to simply comply with their wishes – with their version of God’s truth. Of course, they knew their job was to train me to ignore my natural instincts and to follow them – and of course, it was all for my own good. I was only a tiny child. What could I possibly know?
From my perspective, I feel as if Keith challenges everything I try to say, confounding me, pointing out that everything I say in disagreement with him is coming from ego, sternly warning me that I am going down the wrong path.
“Everything you are doing and saying only further proves to me that your negative ego is fighting for survival.” Keith lovingly pokes me.
“My heart wants to say F#ck you Keith.” I share my deep frustration.
“Your heart would never do that.” Keith responds with a loving smile.
I do have to agree, that such angry swear words do not come from a loving heart, yet once again, I feel as if Keith is twisting every word that comes out of my mouth and turning it around to confuse and invalidate me. I feel so much like a child being lovingly reprimanded by devoted parents.
Pressure And Coercion
Finally, I submit to Keith’s request to again close my eyes and attempt a previously requested meditation into the subconscious – one where I am supposed to find a basket.
I fight intense emotional resistance and huge doubts as I attempt to comply. I know that what I am experiencing is exactly how I felt as a child being raised in a loving home. In the midst of this swirling mental confusion, I cannot find any meditative clarity.
“As a child, my mind was so confused and resistant to well-meaning adults who could not listen to my heart, that I was unable to find any type of inner stillness and peace.” I ponder with increasing clarity.
As I search my feelings, attempting to find this metaphorical basket, the only thing I feel at this very moment is unwanted pressure and coercion from someone in authority who is supposed to be my teacher.
A Mysterious Newspaper
I struggle, but cannot visualize anything. Finally, a single word pops into my mind out of nowhere – the word “newspaper.”
Feeling pressured to perform, I finally blurt out, “I’m getting a very weak thought of a newspaper in the basket … but I have no confidence whatsoever.”
I do not believe what I am saying. I literally feel like a confused child simply trying to please my parents so that they will back off and leave me alone.
“What is printed on that newspaper?” Keith pushes me to go deeper.
“I don’t know.” I respond in frustration. “I can’t focus. I can’t see it. You’re just pressuring me to perform, twisting my words against me, and not believing what I tell you.”
Keith reassures me that he is only following my energy, and pointing out inconsistent things that I say. To my dismay, my dear friend Susan agrees. As for me, I feel profoundly manipulated and invalidated.
Moving On
“What is your opinion of newspapers?” Keith guides with a different twist. “What do you think of what newspapers print?”
“In the world today,” I respond easily, “I believe that much of what is printed in our media is trumped up ego dogma, lies and distorted truths, societal conditioning that those in power and control want the masses to read and believe.”
“Look at the newspaper again,” Keith lovingly pushes, “and see if you can tell me what the headline says.”
I still feel incapable of visualizing or meditating, but finally a frustrated idea pops into my head.
“Brenda Larsen once again learns that her teacher will not help her, and she hits the road to find another path.” I blurt out in rebellion.
Somewhere Productive
“That headline sounds like trumped up ego dogma to me.” Keith again calmly points out that ego is directing my show.
“You’re being deceived by ego,” Keith gently warns me. “You are heading down the harder path.”
“Now find another headline.” Keith encourages me. “Tell me what it says.”
“Ego Exposed.” I finally blurt out after a very long pause filled with resistance and emotional confusion.
I feel as if I am making all of these answers up out of thin air and I continue to see what is occurring as an incredibly frustrating role-play. I have too much experience in working with Keith to walk away now. A powerful part of me encourages me to keep going, reminding me that all of this is leading to somewhere productive.
My Prime Directive
I again express my frustration and inability to meditate while I am steeped in these intense rebellious emotions – but Keith does not stop, continuing to push me into further meditation.
I am so utterly confused that I feel as if I am a frightened puppy hiding under the sofa, and that Keith is lovingly beating me with a big stick to get me to come out. This metaphor is one that Keith often uses as an example of what NOT to do with our fears – yet part of me feels deeply frightened and attacked right now, seeing Keith as the stick holder.
“Find something else in the basket.” Keith gently nudges yet again. “Perhaps it is a door that needs to be opened, or something that your inner child wants to give to you.”
“I am connected to your inner child,” Keith surprises me with his next words, “and she is in a very different place than you think she is. She doesn’t need to do any emotional release at all … in fact she is very happy and loving.”
My strongest prime directive rule is now being directly violated. I perceive that an authority figure (Keith) is telling me that my genuine perception of my inner child is wrong – implying that I need to invalidate what I believe and feel, and that I instead need to simply trust his guidance.
“Surely, this has got to be a bizarre role-play.” I silently beg for some thread of sanity onto which I might cling.
A Crystal Heart
“Now connect to that little girl in meditation.” Keith again guides me amidst my continued distraction and confusion.
To my bewildering surprise, as I continue what are futile and frustrating attempts to meditate – to comply with Keith’s instructions – I intuitively experience something quite unexpected.
“I feel a small hand holding a tiny crystal-like heart through a small opening in the basket.” I humbly share with Keith.
“What does that mean to you?” Keith queries.
“Love … trust … innocence …” I reply.
I do indeed feel this heart very strongly in the meditation … yet a part of me insists that I am still fabricating “right answers” based on logic – trying to tell Keith what he wants to hear – feeling pressured to perform. Behind what I see as his mask of calm and guiding love, I perceive Keith as trying to drag me to where he thinks I should go. I want to go somewhere else, and he refuses to follow me in that direction.
A Masquerading Ego
“I know I am projecting big time.” I respond to Keith in agonizing frustration. “I know this is all a lie … but today I am perceiving you both as my parents … literally shutting me down … refusing to hear me … lovingly slamming my version of the truth and trying to coerce me into embracing your version of truth. This is all so clear to me. I am trying to believe you … trying to see it your way … to see that this is an ego lie.
“But I am projecting my parents onto you so strongly that I am unable to move beyond this lie right now.” I beg Keith to stop pushing. “I cannot meditate.”
“Your little child is loving and peaceful now.” Keith reassures me. “What you came in here wanting to process today is actually an ego projection.”
Keith goes on to lovingly explain that ego has been masquerading as my dear sweet inner child, trying to convince me that my little child is continuing to suffer, but that she actually is, in fact, quite loving and happy.
Keith adds that as a child, like most children do, I internalized all of the adult conditioning energy of my parents, taking it all inside of me – that as I grew up, I then took over the role of rule-enforcer, becoming my own judgmental inner parent. He also adds that I used my empath abilities to absorb much of this adult conditioning.
Five weeks later, as I write and integrate, it now seems so clear that this ego-conditioned-parent part of me is frightened to see a magical little child starting to wake up. This ego is in survival mode, doing anything and everything it can to shut me back down.
No Joke
To my comfort and delight, Keith’s non-emotional rational discussion of ego actually settles me greatly. Just talking about the emotions from this mind-level is what I really wanted all along.
As I breathe a sigh of momentarily relief, I express that I still feel like this whole scenario today is a huge joke-like role-play setup to show me the truth of what happened to me as a child – a child who was raised by wonderful loving parents – a child that was turned into a mini-me parent in the citizen factory of life.
But as Keith responds, I sink back into surprised shock.
Keith insists that this is no role-play, that there is no joke being played – that I am wrong – that right now I am on very dangerous ground, on the edge of losing myself in ego.
I again reel back in frustration when Keith further twists many of my own words around to show me how I have actually agreed with him that I am deeply and dangerously stuck in ego.
Word Dancing
“Keith,” I beg, “I am teetering on the edge of emotional insanity … I need guidance … I want guidance … but I also need validating, to be heard, and to be understood … I need something from you that will help me trust that all this is actually taking me somewhere productive.”
In his response, Keith dances around his words, skillfully pointing out my ego while consistently avoiding any words that would validate my need for validation. I feel frustrated and betrayed by what I perceive as Keith’s refusal to validate my feelings – when in reality he is refusing to validate ego.
Repeatedly I express my dear love for both Keith and my friend Susan. Over and over I apologize for how deeply I am projecting my parents onto them.
“I feel like my projections are a profoundly real experience that is being given to me to show me how things really were for me as a child.” I again share with confidence. “I am seeing how hopeless I felt as a child, trying to defend my genuine knowing heart around loving parents, while repeatedly being badgered to deny my own truth, to simply give up and embrace their version of truth.”
The End Of My Rope
“Close your eyes and sit down next to that big fat ego lie.” Keith tries to guide me back into meditation.
“I know that I am projecting,” I respond to Keith in frustration. “I know I am dealing with ego, but I am absolutely unable to meditate right now. I feel so victimized and overwhelmed by emotions right now that I cannot focus.”
“I know I will be able to center myself, to pull myself back to the loving truth,” I beg Keith to please back off, “but I absolutely cannot do it right now in your presence. I need more time, and I need some alone space, since I am projecting so strongly onto YOU.”
“Brenda,” Keith does not take ‘no’ for an answer, “go connect with your little girl (in meditation) and make fun of those big lies while she is standing there next to you, … jump up and down, flap your arms around, make goofy faces, stick your tongue out and make blubbering sounds, whatever … help her to expose the lies for what they are. Bring yourself back to the truth.”
I feel even more frustrated, like I am being pushed in a direction that is simply impossible for me to go, given my present emotional state. I am at the end of my rope.
A Profound Gift
“Please humor me,” Keith nudges, “go into meditation. Ask that little girl to expose the lie for you. She will do it.”
I close my eyes for about ten minutes while nearby fireworks blast away near the center of San Marcos. Gradually, I begin to relax as inner peace begins to spread.
The more peace that I achieve, the more my heart declares that my intuitions are right – that this has all been an elaborate stage play – that Keith and Susan may not be “in the know” regarding what is going on with me – but that they have indeed been unknowingly role-playing for me in a very profound way.
As I look back on my behavior throughout our four-hour session – a session in which my friends have done nothing but try to lovingly guide me – I see how vulnerable and genuine I have been, struggling to understand and to be cooperative, confused at why no one will validate my feelings, and desperately attempting to comply with their wishes while consistently feeling that my own words are twisted and used against me.
“I have been given a profound gift today,” I ponder. “In a fantastically created stage play on my little child’s behalf, I have re-experienced firsthand how helpless, frustrated, and powerless that I felt while trying to explain and defend my innocent and genuine heart to dedicated parents who loved me very much.”
Thanks But No Thanks
When I explain the deep peaceful insights of my final meditation to Keith, my heart resonates with confidence and power. I am almost giggling as I feel new hope beginning to form inside – new joy bubbling in my heart.
“You are going off into dangerous ego territory.” Keith immediately warns me. “This is not real peace, it is ego’s peace. What you are doing will only deceive and delay your progress.”
“I totally understand how ego has played a huge role in the session today.” I confidently respond to Keith. “I have learned a great deal from our discussions. I believe that my little inner child really is loving and peaceful – that I have been playing the domineering parent role for that child, doing so from a space of ego – that I have been projecting onto that child.”
“But I now feel deeply and lovingly empowered from this whole experience.” I defend my feelings. “This has been profound for me. This whole experience is exactly what I wanted today. It has not happened in the way I expected, but my little inner child has now regained much of her power. She is now confident and trusting of her own genuine truth … she is able to say thanks but no thanks to the truth of her parents.”
Standing By
A profound awkwardness permeates the air as Keith again warns me of how I am in very dangerous territory with ego – at grave risk of going off course and getting permanently lost in ego traps.
“Keith, I believe that you are now projecting your own past experience and frustration onto me.” I respond firmly and confidently to my teacher. “I believe that you and Susan have unknowingly played into what I needed today, and that you are now lost in your own roles as my projected parents. I am quite clear that I was shown exactly what happened to me as a child.”
“I have never been more clear than I am now regarding how loving and genuine that I was as a child, that I was “crazy made” to deny my own feelings and to believe that I was wrong, that I grew to be so confused that I finally gave up and just went along with the crowd.”
“I stand by my experience.” I share with Keith. “It has been extremely profound for me to empower that genuine inner child in a loving way – not in further entrenching her with ego victim pain, but in empowering her to know the genuine loving truth of who she really was, and the conditioning through which she actually passed. I would not take this experience back for anything.”
“You came here wanting to do an experiential role-play with your parents so that you could take back your power.” My dear friend Susan smiles and congratulates me. “It looks like you got your wish after all.”
A Complete Jerk
A new round of awkwardness suddenly overwhelms my heart.
It is now 7:15 p.m. on Christmas Eve, and Keith’s incredible worker and my dear friend, Isaias, has invited three people to join him at a Christmas Eve family gathering in the home of an extended family member – a gathering that starts in just a few minutes at 7:30 p.m..
As fate would have it, those three invited people are Keith, myself, and my friend Susan. I have just spent over four hours in painfully projecting my parents onto these dear friends. I have just stood up and confidently defied Keith’s dire warnings and told him that I am taking back my power – that I believe him to be wrong about today – that I believe my perceptive experience to be the one that I needed – and that he is the one who is now projecting onto me.
I know this experience to have been a profound role-play for me, but the fact that my friends continue to disagree with my genuine perception leaves me wondering if I will ever be able to fully trust and/or work with Keith again.
“I feel like a complete jerk.” I express to Keith as I give him a quick hug. “I am not really sure if I am emotionally capable of being around you socially right now.”
“Of course we can still be social,” Keith responds with pure love. “I don’t take any of this personally.”
Love And Peace
As I run home for a quick change of clothes, I know that Keith believes the warnings he gave me – telling me I am in dangerous territory with ego.
“Perhaps that is true.” I ponder with genuine sincerity. “But if it is true, the issue will definitely come up again on another day. I can let this go for now because my empowered growth today was quite profound – exactly what I needed.”
Of one thing, I am deeply clear. I was projecting my parents all over Keith and Susan … and they are both fully aware that I know I was only projecting. I fear for our friendships because I deeply love both of my dear friends. In spite of my projections and angry defenses, Keith remained totally loving and transparent (non-attached) throughout the afternoon. We may strongly disagree regarding what happened, and what my lesson was – but there remains ample unconditional love to share on this beautiful Christmas Eve.
As I face my fears and share in a delightful Christmas Eve evening with Isaias’s beautiful extended family, it is indeed an evening filled with love and peace.
Facing Dragons
As I drift off to sleep, shortly before midnight, wondering if Santa Claus might bring me new spiritual gifts, I am nervously wound up in knots.
Today I faced the dragon of childhood confusion and powerlessness. In the face of overwhelming love-based pressure from my dear friends, I found the courage to stand up for the trust of my own inner knowing – to take back that power which was not given to me as a child.
But in order to do this, I had to stand up and lovingly defy the advice of people I deeply love and trust. I confronted the projected face of my loving parents and reclaimed my ability to have a genuine and personal inner connection to the divine – one that is quite different from what they wished me to embrace – one that they sternly warned me against embracing.
As I sink into dreamland, I experience profound peace and confidence that I am indeed on the right path … yet I experience crazy doubts about whether I will ever again be able to do inner work with Keith.
In this confusing moment, I continue to project my parents onto Keith. I continue to view him through a childhood filter – as being someone who wants to simply push me along into his version of the truth without validating the fears and needs of my genuine heart.
And then there is that other fearsome dragon – the dragon of ego. I know he continues to lurk in the shadows, continuing to deceptively run portions of my show. This dreaded dragon is insisting that I can never again trust Keith to assist me with inner work. He is very close to getting me to pack my bags, to skip the chocolate ceremony tomorrow, to follow that daunting headline reading:
“Brenda Larsen once again learns that her teacher will not help her, and she hits the road to find another path.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved