Note: this is part three, the final piece of a three-part story. If you have not yet read the other parts, you may want to read them first …
After what turns out to be a very unsatisfying sleep, I awaken on Christmas morning feeling that I did indeed receive some type of magical gift during my dreamtime. I intuitively know that something at an energetic level is quite different inside me, but rational mind is unable to put a finger on it – and I do not even try.
At 11:19 a.m., my apartment rattles quite forcefully for perhaps ten or fifteen seconds. Earthquakes are becoming so common lately that I do not even bother to look up the details for this one. I simply take it as a powerful metaphor, telling me that once again my world is being shaken up.
As I contemplate the option of heading out for a chocolate ceremony in just a few minutes, the fiery dragon of ego rears his ugly head, insisting that I do not want to go – instead demanding that perhaps I should just stay home and sulk today – or perhaps, better yet, I should pack my bags and get out of town for a short trip, one that might just become permanent.
I am back in the space of feeling like a frightened child who was just deeply invalidated by loving parents. I absolutely do not trust Keith right now. I have no desire to submit to any meditative journeys, and I continue to struggle with the doubt of whether I will ever again be able to trust him to help me.
More Light Please
I am quite proud of myself for even showing up on Keith’s porch. As I sit glumly on my pillow, waiting for the Christmas Day chocolate ceremony to begin, I ponder a few words that Keith had shared with me in the last couple of days.
“Brenda,” Keith had lovingly told me. “You need to balance your work with more light. In between going into the dark-shadow emotions, it is very important to also bring in the light and love to help you remain balanced. ”
I am puzzled by Keith’s guidance. I desperately want to bring in more light and loving energies, but I am following the flow of my being. My intense journey into dense emotions has been overwhelming in the last week. There is nothing I want more, than to bring more light into the flow of that journey – but I continue to stare down the throat of an invisible dragon that just will not permit me to allow the light to assist me. I am simply flowing with the river of my soul.
A Confusing Dilemma
As the chocolate ceremony begins, I again feel like a scared puppy hiding under the sofa. I do not want to make eye contact with anyone, especially Keith. I still see him as holding a huge stick. I do not trust him. My inner child (or is it ego?) continues to cower in fright, projecting that Keith has betrayed us, and that before we will allow him to help, we must first rebuild our trust.
It is a very confusing place to be. I remain quite empowered and confident in my assessment regarding what took place yesterday, yet I also remain quite stuck in the role of being a frightened and projecting child.
On the flip side, I do want to explore the ego angle of all of this, but I simply do not trust that anyone can possibly help me, especially not Keith.
Perfect Perceptions
“I don’t need to be right.” I lovingly reassure myself. “I don’t need Keith to agree with my perception of yesterday, of seeing it as a beautiful stage play.”
“In fact, if he did agree with me,” I ponder with clarity, “that very agreement might invalidate and discount the empowerment that I acquired. He would never have been so convincing in a projected parental role-play if he did not fully believe in what he was doing and saying.”
“Yes,” I further ponder, “everything was perfect yesterday. It had to happen exactly the way it did.”
Resistance Honored
At the start of the ceremony, Keith announces that since we are a small group who have all done ceremonies many times, that we are going to skip the glow meditation and jump straight into individual work.
“Brenda, how are you doing today?” Keith immediately turns to me.
“I really just want to hold space for others today,” I respond glumly. “I do not want to go into any emotions or do any processing of my own.”
What I do not say is that I am that frightened puppy, desperately wanting to simply observe and try to rebuild my trust. I need to observe Keith working with others. I need to restore confidence that he really is a caring man who is profoundly guided in inspired ways.
Keith honors my request, does not push, and quickly moves on. In not pushing me to perform, Keith has already taken a tiny step up in the ‘trustworthy’ category.
Inner Searching
“Well, let’s go around the circle in the other direction then.” Keith turns to the man seated on his right.
When this man expresses his desire for the glow meditation, Keith guides the entire group through our usual meditation of finding the inner smile in our heart, and letting it glow through every cell.
I am not glowing. I feel a certain amount of love and light, but remain deeply stuck. I observe myself as this scared and victimized puppy, still hiding and shaking under the sofa.
“Could this really be ego masquerading as my pain?” I begin to ponder. “Is ego really demanding that it must be heard and validated before it will allow me to continue forward – before it will allow the help that I want? Is ego attempting to derail my entire process?”
Building Trust
As Keith works his way around the porch, I continually ponder, while frequently congratulating myself for even having shown up today on this magical porch. Inner voices continue to protest that it is time for an extended break – time to consider a different path.
By the time Keith completes his first pass of individual work, he again asks how I am doing, but holds back somewhat, continuing to honor my request that I do not want him to focus on me.
“I am a frightened puppy, trying to build trust.” I respond briefly. “I’m still projecting, having a difficult time separating projections from reality, still feeling as I have been beaten by a stick.”
Slammed And Invalidated
A few minutes later, Keith turns and briefly checks in with me again.
“I’m trying to decide if my scared puppy is my little inner child,” I humbly admit, “or if perhaps it might really be ego.”
After quickly moving on to work with others, Keith soon looks back in my direction.
“How are you doing now, Brenda?” He asks.
“I am profoundly numb and stuck.” I respond glumly.
“You took back your power yesterday, and this is where it left you.” Keith quickly pushes my buttons. “Just what is your idea of empowerment?”
As I hear those words, a surge of anger punches me in my belly. I want to pick up my stuff right now and simply walk off the porch. In my perception, Keith just slammed and invalidated me, yet again. Yet I choose to remain seated, sitting with the anger while further contemplating Keith’s words.
Pulling Out The Stops
Finally, after an eternity of swirling in my anger, a new recognition surfaces in my awareness.
“If I am this upset and angry, lashing out in so much projection and judgment, then I really must be drowning in ego.”
“It is an offended ego that wants to lash out.” I further ponder. “My little inner child is happy and loving, and ego is the one trying to separate me from my teacher. Ego is terrified, and pulling out all the stops.”
Empowerment Equals Protection
Much later, as Keith has finished several rounds of individual work, he returns to his seat with a glow in his eyes, and looks around the porch with a huge grin.
“Anyone else?” He asks casually.
“Yeah,” I respond humbly, fully knowing that Keith is already aware of my need. “I am ready to do some work. I would love some help now.”
“My definition of empowerment seems to be a form of protection from the actions of others.” I begin to explain to Keith. “Empowerment seems to be my way of keeping myself from being hurt, of not allowing myself to be helped by those I see as unhealed healers or fixers, from people who might do me more harm than good. It is protection, protection, and more protection. Empowerment has turned into a form of ego survival.”
“My empowerment wall protects me from things that have hurt me in the past, but it also keeps out those things that I desperately want and need now.”
“Your last verbal jab really got to me.” I thank Keith. “The huge emotional charge that pounded in my chest gave me the power to recognize just what I was doing.”
Pure Unconditional Love
“I don’t know how to do this … to drop this wall.” I beg Keith for guidance. “I don’t know how to bring in the love. I am stuck … lost … and clueless.”
“Good.” Keith glows back at me with a huge grin.
“Look at her.” Keith points to a dear woman I have called Marie in a previous blog – a woman whom I have helped several times.
“She is sending you pure unconditional love.” Keith guides me. “Look at her and receive it … no conditions … no manipulation … no agenda … just pure love.”
I stare at Marie for a long while, and I feel her genuine love. I feel peace flowing in my soul.
Divine Motherly Love
“Brenda,” Keith resumes his guidance, “I want you to imagine that she is your mother … not the personality mother that couldn’t love you this way, but the higher divine essence of your mother. She is sending you the love that you deserved as a child … the mother’s love that was unconditional.”
Uncontrollable tears flow down my cheeks as I make continuous eye contact with this dear woman who represents my beautiful mother. Muffled whimpers frequently consume me.
I am feeling the profound validation that I have been so desperately seeking from outside of myself – from Keith and others. I know that this is the type of pure validation that can only come from a divine source. No one can give such validation to me. It comes from a direct connection to the truth of who I really am.
The tears grow increasingly stronger as Keith occasionally adds more loving guidance and insight – reinforcing what I am doing and experiencing – talking about the purity and unconditional nature of what I am feeling.
“You recognize this type of love.” Keith gently reminds me. “You DO know how to receive it.”
Radiant Love
“Your little child is receiving some of this love as well.” Keith shares his insights with me. “She is uncertain, hesitating somewhat, but she is indeed receiving some of this love.”
This process of beautiful loving vibration goes on for what feels like a very long time. At an appropriate moment, Keith invites the entire group to join into the process of sending love in my direction.
“Just ask your Higher Self to filter any energy that is not pure if something different comes your way.” Keith guides me.
I feel the group’s beautiful love. I am alive and radiant with this love, feeling powerful and peaceful.
Basking In The Glow
“Disconnect from Brenda.” Keith eventually instructs the group.
“Now bring in your own love, Brenda.” Keith guides me in a new direction. “You can bring in this unconditional love from any source that you choose.”
I embrace this process with pure loving power.
“Now fill with the love so fully that you overflow with this energy.” Keith continues.
I bask in this loving glow for a very long time.
Leap-Frog Light
“Brenda, in no way does this invalidate that little girl’s pain, which was very real.” Keith begins to share beautiful validating feedback with me.
“In no way does this make you wrong for going into all of the profound emotional release that you have been doing.” Keith continues. “In no way does this question your absolute dedication to the process of clearing out your densities.”
“But as we said yesterday,” Keith refers to a recently-used metaphor, “there needs to be a leapfrog balance in your process, one of bringing in more light after working with emotional densities, one of using that light to work with the densities.”
Recently, Keith has used this leapfrog metaphor several times with others – a metaphor of a childhood game where participants take turns hopping over each other like a frog. In this case, Keith encourages me to be sure to take a hop with the light after each hop with the densities.
Fear Of Fixing
“But when I bring in light, it confuses me when that actually triggers the recognition of more profound sadness.” I share a confusing example. “Like last Tuesday during the yoga retreat when I was literally overwhelmed by unbelievable reservoirs of sadness. When I brought in more light, the sad emotions became so powerful that I got lost in them – that I could not find my own way out.”
“Do I need to resist that emotion so I can stay in the light?” I beg for clarity.
“No,” Keith responds gently, “you need to go into that emotion, but you need to do so with the light as a partner on the way into it.”
“I think I have been so dedicated to going into the emotion the old way that I get trapped in it.” I express new clarity to Keith. “By that time, I am so lost that I am unable to connect with the light. Instead, I find myself ‘flipping the light off’ with middle-fingered rebellion, feeling like it is now my duty to feel this pain to the bottom, all by myself.”
“I am partially fearful that if I hold hands with the light on the way in,” I express new understanding, “that the light will fix me, that it will invalidate and take away from my release process. From now on, however, I will try to trust the light more as I take it into the densities with me.”
A Glowing Soul
Keith again provides much needed verbal validation of my process and dedication.
“You continue to do amazingly well in recognizing and working with ego, etc…” Keith congratulates me. “Just use the light. Take it with you into the sadness. Balance yourself. If you need to, put the pain on hold sometimes so that you can balance yourself before diving into the densities.”
I feel as if my whole soul is glowing right now – glowing in loving vibrations and profound peace.
In The Wake
Soon another group member launches into a process of profound connection to higher energies. As I watch and hold loving space, I begin to feel a great deal of energy activity at the front of my crown chakra. Then, the strong sensation of a painful energy blockage in my third-eye chakra startles me.
“I get the feeling that more of this sixth chakra wants to open,” I share my intuitions with Keith, “and that the pain is telling me that I continue to harbor a great deal of resistance.
“You are following in his wake.” Keith reassures me while referring to the man now doing work on the porch. “Just keep allowing with no attachment about the pain, without judging what the experience should or should not be.”
A Lesson In Manifestation
“Keith,” I later ask for additional understanding, “I know I cannot push my process, but is it OK for me to manifest or intend something that will help me go through the process with more ease, elegance, and grace?”
Keith soon helps me come up with the wording to a beautiful intention that I then put out into the Universe.
“I intend that I will get all of the beautiful lessons that I want to learn from this process … and I intend that I can do it as easily and elegantly as possible.”
“This takes the pressure off of the third-eye needing to perform in an expected way,” Keith guides. “It involves no manipulation on your part, and puts your loving intention out there.”
“Your job now,” Keith continues, “Is to observe, allow, and follow any inner guidance that may or may not come – having no expectations.”
Trusting The Flow
After forty-five minutes of peacefully observing the unusual energy movements that I feel in my forehead, darkness is approaching and I have a hunch that I want to go home while others are still in their own processes.
“If I leave now, will this interrupt my progress?” I ask Keith for advice.
“Whatever you want and believe is exactly what will happen.” Keith counsels me. “You have said ‘yes’ to this process. If it stops tonight, it will continue again in the future, because this is part of your flow.”
As I slowly dance my way home, I continue to feel forehead energies moving around, still being met with some pulsing pain and resistance in my third-eye chakra. I trust that all is well, that all will continue in beautiful synchronous ways, exactly on time.
Intuitively, I feel that this continued blockage in my third-eye chakra is related to the pain and resistance of a tiny child that remains somewhat afraid to open up to “love that hurts.”
An Amazing Gift
After a quick meal of rice and beans, I revel in a quiet evening of continued meditation, peaceful relaxation, and a delightful energy of beautiful unconditional love.
I cannot think of a more beautiful way to finish off what has turned out to be an amazing Christmas Day – a Christmas gift that will forever bless my life.
A Chattering Boat Ride
Early Monday morning, I find myself in a 7:30 a.m. boat, speeding across the lake to run errands in Panajachel.
While sitting on a hard fiberglass bench, splashing across the smooth glassy waters of Lake Atitlan (as they often are at this time of the morning), I begin to replay recent loving events in my mind.
Suddenly, to my dismay, the loving peace is interrupted by additional ego stories that are sprouting in my head, begging for listening ears. Immediately, I focus on bringing in love to keep those crazy stories from germinating. But the mind chatter is persistent, coming in slow waves. Each time that I focus on more love, the mind soon counters with another story of: “But wait … this shouldn’t have happened … that … he … it … blah blah blah”
A Magical Message
About five minutes after withdrawing cash at the bank, I am walking up the main shopping street in Panajachel. Again, waves of mind-chatter are attempting to pull me back into ego judgments.
Suddenly, as I intuitively glance up, I notice something shiny and glimmering, falling out of a calm, windless, cloudless, deep-blue sky. As I continue taking a step or two further ahead, I gently extend my hand. To my absolute surprise, the shimmering message lands effortlessly in the palm of my right hand.
Tears begin to form in my eyes as I examine the synchronous message – a metaphorical message magically delivered by my little inner child.
In my hand, I hold a very unusual seed – a type that I have never before seen. I am walking along an asphalt street surrounded by concrete and block shops and restaurants. There are no trees nearby.
The seed is encased in a natural transparent film that glimmers like a crystal, the shiny film being perhaps about one inch across and a half inch in the other dimension. Directly in the middle of the transparent film, as if it had been laminated in plastic, is a small cream-colored heart-shaped seed, perhaps three-eights of an inch across. In the center of this heart-shape is another darker tan-colored heart.
A Seed Of Love
As a few joyful tears begin to drip down my cheeks, I look for a place to sit and contemplate, and I soon spy a bench across the street, in front of a small western market. As I sit in meditative glow, I allow the tears to trickle while feeling the love of a magical little girl radiating joyfully in my heart. All former signs of mind chatter have evaporated.
I feel guided back to a time, perhaps thirty-six hours ago, when I sat on Keith’s porch in frustrated and rebellious meditation – a time when I suddenly visualized a happy little inner child reaching her hand through an opening in a basket, holding out a tiny little heart for me to share.
Her message to me then was that she is no longer a victim – that she is happy and loving, that she loves me unconditionally. Her message to me now is one of profound and amazing synchronicity – a message that this entire journey of the last few days has indeed been a beautiful synchronous setup to help me find the birth of a new type of love – a love that comes from divine sources – a love that needs no outside validation – a love that shines and glimmers without condition or control.
And to have this message come in the form of a seed! How beautiful is that! This new seed is tiny, but if planted, watered, given proper amounts of divine light, and nurtured – this seed will continue to grow beyond my wildest imagination.
Magical Giggles
To make the day even more magical, as I return to San Marcos shortly after 1:00 p.m., I find a small note stuck in the handle of my patio door.
A Mayan family has come down from the mountains to visit Keith. The extended family, including two Mayan Shaman (Priestess) women, their parents, siblings, and children, are all over at Keith’s porch – drinking chocolate – and I have been invited to join them.
To my further delight, as I prepare to rush out of my door on my way to visit them, I encounter this large Mayan family walking up my outside steps. The children giggle and run to hug me, as do many of the adults that I dearly love. I visited this amazing family a few times last year, having built a magical connection with the children.
It seems that several of the adults, and all of the children, have never before been on a boat ride.
A Fluffy Feather Pillow
Ten minutes later, over fifteen of us are crowding onto a public lancha (boat) headed for the nearby town of San Pedro. Two of the young boys nervously ask me “Is this going to be scary?” I simply smile and reassure them that it will be a lot of fun.
I almost have to eat my words when strong headwinds come up, bouncing the boat and splashing persistent spray in our direction.
After a delightful stroll through San Pedro, we all crowd onto another lancha, return across equally bumpy and wet waters, and enjoy a yummy traditional Mayan meal at Keith’s house.
I begin to panic as I realize that there is a strong possibility that this large family might want to spend the night at my apartment – as nine of them did one time last spring. I loved that experience, but tonight I am exhausted, wanting to retire early, to simply crash – and tomorrow morning I am off to participate in yet another early-morning private chocolate ceremony across the lake.
I am quite relieved when they decide to return to their home in the mountains, just a few hours away. It has been a beautiful day after an incredibly difficult journey of profound and deep emotional processing – but as happy as I now feel, I have no extra energy for entertaining others.
My fluffy feather pillow never felt so good.
Unexpected Closure
Yesterday, as I wrote “A Dragon Quest, Part 2” I continued to feel quite unsure of myself regarding the discrepancies between how I perceived my own experiences on that Christmas Eve that seems like lifetimes ago – and how I believed that Keith still perceived them. In a very real way, I remained quite concerned that I was “just not getting it” – still missing a huge puzzle piece of understanding.
Through an unexpected synchronicity, I needed to run out to Keith’s house at noon to deliver a small message for a friend. That quick trip magically turned into a half hour of Spanish translation for someone with whom Keith was talking, followed by an impromptu discussion about my difficult writing task for the day.
I was thrilled when Keith shared his perspectives with me – feeling absolutely delighted to discover that he could see the beautiful wisdom in how that experience unfolded in the multi-layer way that it did. All of these weeks, I had still believed myself to be defying Keith in my deep claim that the experience had served as a profound role-play with my projected parents.
Keith lovingly reassures me that, even though he was not knowingly role-playing, that he clearly sees how that experience profoundly served me as a role-play with childhood parents – and lovingly acknowledges that it is now quite clear that everything unfolded in my process perfectly, exactly the way I needed it to happen for my growth. Keith reminds me that he always just follows the flow of inner guidance. Quite commonly, he has no idea where that guidance might be leading.
I glow as this deep understanding settles in. During that crazy Christmas Eve afternoon, I did indeed experience two completely different realities. I profoundly relived the reality of how I felt as a little child, when lovingly invalidated through the counsel of well-meaning parents – AND – I profoundly experienced the reality of an adult ego who was continuing to use the need for validation and empowerment as a mechanism to block the very love I so deeply desire. Both realities were true.
Puff The Magic Dragon
Shortly before Christmas, I synchronously stumbled onto a YouTube video of “Peter, Paul, and Mary” singing “Puff the Magic Dragon.” At the time, I intuitively knew this song needed to be integrated into my blog, but I had no idea how or when that opportunity would present itself. It seems that the opportunity is now.
Even though, as a child, I never really focused on the meaning of the beautiful words, this special children’s song has always opened up a special place in my heart. Today, however, those words touch me with profound and deep meaning.
The lyrics were based on a 1959 poem by Leonard Lipton – words that Peter Yarrow, Mary Travers, and Paul Stookey then added to music and recorded in 1962. The song reached number two on the charts in 1963, when I was eight years old – the very year that the final portions of my own magic were snuffed out – the year when a young neighbor boy named “Brad” told me that Santa Claus was not real.
Quite the interesting synchronicities!
Over the years, many have speculated that the song was referring to marijuana, but Peter Yarrow has frequently explained that the song has nothing to do with drugs, that it deals with the hardships of children growing older, and the “loss of innocence in children”.
To me, the song is a profound reminder of how the magic in our childhood is gradually snuffed out and forgotten, eventually being replaced by a world of adult conditioning and responsibilities.
Following are the words to this beautiful song:
Puff the Magic Dragon
Words by: Leonard Lipton and Peter Yarrow
Performed by: Peter, Paul and Mary
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee
Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff, oh
[chorus:]
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee
Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on Puff’s gigantic tail
Noble kings and princes would bow when’re they came
Pirate ships would lower their flags when Puff roared out his name, oh
[chorus]
A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys
One gray night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar
His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane
Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave
So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave, oh
[chorus]
Dragons Everywhere
It seems that I suddenly find myself surrounded by dragon metaphors. First, a dear friend compares my journey to that of going through a gate, knowing that a dragon guards the other side, but being more interested in my journey than in protecting myself from the dragon.
Second, one of my favorite childhood songs, “Puff the Magic Dragon”, drifts into my consciousness – it is a beautiful song about a young boy losing his magic and moving into an adult world.
Then, just eight days ago, at midnight on January 23, 2012, Chinese New Year celebrations around the world ushered in the “Year of the Dragon”.
While western cultures often think of dragons as frightening fire-breathing creatures, I find it fascinating that many eastern cultures, including the Chinese, view the dragon as having profound magical and spiritual significance.
After a six-day journey with what felt-like fire-breathing inner dragons, I clearly see that those scary dragons were simply layers of fears that blocked me from being able to feel and experience the awareness of the real spiritual magic hidden underneath.
My journey is not a quest to overcome evil dragons – it is not a journey with a final destination – but it is instead a grand adventure that continually grows ever more magical and spiritually satisfying.
I cannot wait to see what magic unfolds next.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved