After I write regarding three days of meditative cave spelunking, a journey of searching for the capacity to shine my own unique inner light, I begin to wonder if perhaps I might be scamming myself. I am thrilled when Keith reassures me that my emotional journey is indeed genuine, that ego is not simply masquerading as my inner children.
He teaches me a few things about ‘aspects of self’, confidently reassuring me that the beautiful and healed little inner child that gave me a tiny metaphorical heart is a very real aspect of my inner child, one that was fully present during that Christmas weekend of adventures with inner dragons.
Then Keith validates the healing I am now doing in this metaphorical cave as I find the courage to shine my unique inner light in front of a beautiful mother – reassuring me that the emotions I feel during this experience are indeed very real, coming from a different and yet-unhealed aspect of my inner child.
“Brenda, this is not something you can figure out with your head.” Keith again reminds me, leaving my rational mind somewhat puzzled.
Earning Love
Early Friday morning, December 30, 2011, I find myself feeling a great deal of energy during a delightful meditation. New vibrations continue to tantalize me throughout my body.
But as I meditate in this beautiful energy, I am tired.
“This meditation feels like effort.” Parts of me beg to slow down. “I just want to BE the love … I don’t want to try to create it … I don’t want to have to work for it.”
Suddenly, new insights flash into my mind.
“I have a subconscious belief system.” I ponder with intuitive surprise. “It came from my mother and religious teachers, and tells me that I have to ‘earn’ my love … that I will not get love unless I deserve it based on my actions, effort, and worthiness.”
Even today, with all of my inner work, I still do not feel worthy of receiving divine assistance if I am not first working hard and doing my share. My childhood religion was quite firm on this point, strongly conditioning me with the absolute belief that God will only help me after I have first done all that I can do for myself.
Worthy Of Love
“What a load of crap.” An inner part of me suddenly rebels.
“Please, God,” I beg in meditation. “I am tired right now. Please help me anyway. I am exhausted from trying to be worthy of your love. I just need to feel the love that I already am.”
Tears of emotion stream down my cheeks as the sensation of being loved without conditions momentarily overwhelms me with joy. But soon, my walls go back up and the tears cease. This belief system of “first needing to do my part” is strong. I seem to feel guilt about asking for the love … and then simply receiving it. These crazy childhood beliefs continue to taunt and influence me.
A Reverence Robot
“I wonder what I will manifest today.” I smile as I walk toward Keith’s magical porch for a Friday afternoon ceremony – the final ceremony for 2011.
To my delight, a dear friend – a friend I love to hug – one I am calling Angela – has finished her yoga retreat across the lake and joins us for the ceremony today. Momentarily sinking into unbridled play, I hug and squeeze Angela tightly. Both of us giggle while we spin and dance around the porch for a couple of minutes.
Several of Angela’s friends have also joined us. As we begin the glow meditation – a meditation that actually encourages smiling and giggling – I note that this fun group of friends joyfully giggle and talk amongst each other. After the meditation finishes, these beautiful people continue to play amongst themselves, creating disruptions and distractions.
I watch this scene before me with pure non-attachment … but I simultaneously observe that a myriad of childhood judgments surface inside of me, doing so with a vengeance, demanding to be heard. I calmly detach and observe these judgments as they insist that I get involved – that I project blame – that I get upset – that I speak up and call the porch back to order.
“This is a spiritual gathering.” The dissenting voices argue loudly in my head. “It is now time to calm down and be reverent. They need to take this ceremony more seriously.”
“These voices are insisting that I be a Reverence Robot.” I giggle to myself as I continue observing with non-attachment.
Boisterous And Distracting Play
“This is my creation.” I ponder with loving peace. “For some reason I wanted this to happen in group today. I wonder how this will unfold.”
To my delight, I easily remain the observer, fully present, knowing that everything is perfect, listening to this “reverence robot” voice, but simply smiling at it – not buying into it – not engaging in these childhood and adult projections.
Most people simply ignore the commotion, but I do notice one woman who acts slightly annoyed. Keith simply allows everything to proceed, unchecked, in its strange form of perfection.
This whole experience causes me to ponder deeply into childhood experiences at church – questioning the times when reverence was lovingly pounded into my tiny innocent head as an absolute rule that goes hand in hand with spirituality – a time when I believed that if I was not reverent that I would not be worthy of receiving God’s love.
“Spirituality is serious.” The voices again scream inside my head. “Life is serious. This boisterous and distracting play is inappropriate and unacceptable!”
Back To The Cave
As this scene unfolds I begin to literally feel as if my dear sweet mother is sitting on my heart, trying to squash and kill this new form of unconditional love that I am allowing – trying to tell me that I must intervene and stop this frivolousness or I won’t be loved. This intuitive realization is profoundly strong.
Immediately, I unplug from the events around me and slip into meditation, returning to that dark cave with my two inner children, standing in front of my beloved mother. As I focus on shinning my own inner light, I silently express my intention to return these judgmental/conditioned voices back to my mother. I ask a metaphorical angel to act as an intermediary.
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts my meditation as he begins a round of individual work. “What’s up for you right now?”
Serious Business
A quick look into Keith’s eyes tells me that he already knows what I am experiencing.
“Wow,” I respond with surprise at Keith turning to me so quickly, “I’m exploring the shutdown of my childhood ability to play – to feel and experience unbridled joy and love. I am dealing with a projection that spirituality is serious business. I am dealing with repressed anger at how my parents and religion shut down this joyful side of me, forcing me to conform to the seriousness or I wouldn’t feel loved.”
“And right now,” I add with confusion, “I feel as if my mother is sitting on my heart, squashing me.”
Before anyone can misinterpret me, I quickly turn to this group of giggling people and thank them repeatedly for being so joyful and playful, for helping me to trigger this childhood issue.
“I love you for it.” I reassure all of these beautiful people.
Mind Is Not The Tool
By now, I am quite emotional, but do not verbally express the emotions. I want to find a way to involve the light, to use higher energies to move and transmute these emotions. Several people quickly jump in to give me mental advice about how to “just let in the joy” or to “just go for it.” One woman even tries to coach me into simply forgiving.
“I appreciate all of the mental advice,” I express lovingly, “but this is something that I have to go into and explore in my subconscious … something that intellectual and head understanding simply cannot resolve or heal.”
I explain to Keith that part of me wants to be angry, and push this emotion out of me, but that I want to try to do it with light and love instead.
Soon, as I resume my cave meditation, Keith turns back to me and interrupts.
Missing Pieces
“Brenda,” Keith guides me, “you had it right before.”
“Huh?” I query, feeling quite confused.
“About the anger,” Keith responds. “You need the anger to help you overthrow this belief.”
Immediately I grab two cushions and begin punching to stimulate my repressed anger. As agonizing sobs start to burst out, I begin to cough and wheeze.
“I can’t cry anymore.” I pause and ask Keith for advice when the fluid in my lungs suddenly surfaces. “My throat and lungs cannot take it. This type of crying is taking a physical toll on me.”
“Don’t forget to take the higher energies with you.” Keith gives me the missing puzzle piece.
Unfolding Intuitions
Soon, I am back in my meditative cave, this time feeling the profound depths of this anger, while at the same time trying to release the anger and beliefs to the metaphorical angel that stands between me and my mother. I do this for a while, but seem to be getting nowhere. Keith soon interrupts again.
“It is not about pushing, Brenda.” Keith coaches me. “Back off, and bring in more love.”
Soon, Keith is working with another woman, coaching her through an energetic release process. She talks about the emotional pains that are moving through her, but she has a huge grin on her face.
“Duh,” I think to myself as I observe how I am supporting this woman’s process. “For years, I have been gifted at holding loving space for others … at silently cheering them on when they finally popped the cork on their density … then sharing supportive heart space with them, holding a loving smile on my face while encouraging them to continue and go deeper if they can – all the while I remained completely unattached.”
“This is what I need to do with my own density.” I ponder. “I need to cheer on this release process while holding space for it, and encouraging it with love.”
No Rules
Immediately, I switch into this new space, putting a loving smile on my face, breathing deeply while raising my vibrations into profound loving energy, and then radiating this beautiful love to my little inner child.
“I am holding space for my own inner child.” I ponder with delight. “I am simply radiating love and support, while trusting that little Bobby knows exactly what he needs to do. I do not need to be in charge. I can simply hold a tray of loving support and allow him to do his own work.”
“Wow Brenda,” Keith eventually turns back to me. “That is beautiful what you are doing.”
“I’m confused as to whether I should just be holding space,” I question Keith, “or if I should be trying to come up with metaphors to assist with the process.”
“It is different every time.” Keith reminds me. “There are no rules … you have to follow the metaphors and inner guidance … and you have to listen.”
Paying Attention To Details
“Remember my metaphor of one of my favorite teachers?” Keith gently nudges me.
“Love is paying attention to details, to untied shoelaces and snotty noses.” Keith repeats the metaphor again.
“I have heard you say that many times,” I speak honestly, “but I have never related to it. I thought it was stupid, and does not at all relate to how I see unconditional love. But now, for the first time ever, I actually see what you are trying to say.”
“It is not just about radiating love to this part of me … or to another person with whom I am working.” I share new insights. “It is about listening and paying attention to all of the details of our communication and energy exchange, and responding to those details appropriately.”
As I further ponder, profound insights continue to unfold about the magical power of paying attention to details.
A Giggling Toddler
As someone else on the porch begins to explore childhood abuse issues, I begin to feel his pain and cry with him.
Soon, as I explore deeper into the cause of my own tears, I feel that my little inner child Bobby desperately needs to cry. I fill my heart with deep love and hold energetic space for him, encouraging him to trust this emotional release process while I simply observe with love and joy, and while thinking, “Yes, go for it.”
Bobby is not physically crying, but I feel the power of his energetic release. My abdomen is shaking and churning as I intuitively experience his inner sobbing. I support the process. I cheer it on with love … I hold space for it … I bless it … but I do not get lost in it.
After about a half hour of this amazing process, Keith interrupts to tell me about the beautiful energy he is observing in me.
“I just tried to visualize my fourteen-month-old toddler laughing and smiling, and I could actually feel it.” I express newfound delight to Keith.
Rewriting History
“This is literally going back in time and rewriting history,” Keith reminds me, “bringing that rewritten history forward, so to say, so that it is literally your new reality in the present. By changing and healing an inner child, that energy radiates healed energy into the present day.”
I soon move through memories up to my six-year-old school photo. Again, rather than experiencing the usual sensation of self-loathing and awkwardness, I sense new loving confidence. I wish I could just giggle, but part of me will not yet allow that.
This new lightness is real, but just a beginning. Soon, I am visualizing my third-grade photo, again feeling the self-love.
But when I reach around age eleven in this gradual process of rewriting history, I am suddenly stuck, unable to make any progress.
Future Whispers
“It is like I am in three separate parts right now.” I explain my process to Keith. “First, there is the observer consciousness that is holding a pure loving space. Then there is the future-self of this little child (me) going back in time to share the loving truth. And finally, there is that young boy himself.”
“Gradually I have literally felt the shifting energy of my childhood self as he moves more into a space of loving empowerment.” I share with Keith. “This has felt quite magical. But I am now stuck. When I focus on age eleven, I am unable to make any progress.”
This is not really a mystery to me. It was at around age eleven when my agonizing gender struggles began to completely dominate my experience, filling me with self-loathing, shame, guilt, and inner self-hatred. Intuitively, I recognize that working with my traumatized teenager will require a great deal of pure love and compassion.
“You are a beautiful and magical boy.” I whisper from the future to a frightened young boy.
But as I attempt to instill hope to that broken-hearted little eleven-year-old, a sense of futility overwhelms me.
A Healing Model
“You’re doing great.” Keith congratulates me with the group watching on. “I have nothing to add at this point.”
He validates that I am using higher energies and making it an adventure – an adventure where my inner child is doing the release work while I simply funnel the loving energy like a butler, making the love and light available for the child to draw from, trusting my child to do what he already knows how to do.
“You are not pushing or fixing,” Keith adds more praise, “you are simply following the same healing model that you are already following in your outer reality.”
“Wow,” I ponder to myself, “It really is not about being the all-knowing healer. It is about holding space, serving a tray of beautiful loving support, and trusting the client (my child in this case) to do all of the work with my unconditional hand-holding and support, allowing whatever energies and guidance that might be needed to simply flow through me.”
Personal Experience Is Key
“Congratulations on a whole new level of work and new adventure.” Keith shares after the ceremony is over.
“How can I possibly write about this?” I beg Keith for guidance. “Is what I did today a process that will work for others?”
“There are no formulas for this type of work.” Keith again reminds me.
“You can’t tell people how to do their own work, but you can talk about your journey with being stuck in your head.” Keith gives me examples. “Talk about how you were unable to even crack a tiny hole in that wall of resistance to outside help. Talk about your inability to understand metaphors such as ‘love is paying attention to details’ until you actually experienced the metaphor in a personal way. And talk about your inability to trust higher energies until after you processed through much of the resistance – about how you only began to understand the concept after actually experiencing some higher energy assistance yourself.”
Much Needed Distractions
As I stroll home, my mind is overloaded with the intensity of all my processing. I want to push this inner journey beyond age ten or eleven – but realize that pushing is not an option. I am mentally fried, and can only imagine that my inner energies would also deeply appreciate a break.
Shortly before 7:00 p.m., I stroll over to a local hotel/restaurant in search of pizza and an old friend who is in town for New Years celebrations. The social time is a much-needed distraction.
Likewise, Saturday turns into a day of processing burnout, low motivation, and even inner rebellion. After keeping my mind busy with three movies, I spend a delightful evening with friends, first sharing dinner at a local restaurant, and later enjoying a midnight New Year’s Eve meditation service at “Las Piramides Del Ka” – the pyramids meditation center where I spent four months in 2010.
But when others opt to go dancing at 1:00 a.m., I instead choose to let my tired head dance with a soft fluffy feather pillow in the privacy of my restful bed.
A New Start
Sunday morning, as the sun rises on the new year of 2012, I remain in a state of burnout – feeling some higher vibration energies, yet being unmotivated, lethargic, and downright exhausted from inner work. I have not responded to emails and Facebook messages in a while, and have now fallen three weeks behind in my writing. Both giving up the quest, and simply not caring seem like viable alternatives … but something inside continues pushing me forward.
By noon, on this sunny New Years Day, I am sitting on Keith’s porch, attempting to get an early start on meditating into the journey of that stuck eleven-year-old boy who is facing one of the most difficult decades of his life. The only thing I know how to do is to raise my vibrations, hold a space of love, and hope that something in this adventure of self-discovery intuitively shows me my next step.
Stuck And Waiting
I remain in this “stuck and waiting” energy while meditating with my metaphorical child, holding space and sending love, but feeling clueless. As Keith slowly works his way around the porch, it seems that most everyone is on the edge of deep emotional release while also being quite stuck. After what feels like a couple of hours, Keith finally turns to work with me.
Keith suggests that I focus on the task of bringing the power of my third chakra up into my heart. As I visualize this energy flow taking place, I begin to feel slight pains manifesting randomly on the left side of my abdomen, all the way down to the bottom of my second chakra, with a dull ache throbbing in my bladder region.
“These pains feel like isolated pockets of density that are stuck.” I share intuitive feelings with Keith.
Related Processing
“See if you can connect the energy channels so that this stuck energy can flow.” Keith gives me another suggestion.
I focus really hard on trying to coax this energy to flow downward, out of my root chakra and into the Mother Earth. As I listen to Keith work with a friend sitting next to me, coaching her to pull the plug on her reservoir of density so that it can drain, I again focus more effort on attempting to drain what I see as my own stuck energies.
As Keith encourages this friend to allow her power and her sadness to energetically touch each other, my solar plexus suddenly erupts in churning revolt. Without skipping a beat in working with my friend, Keith reaches out his hand and assists me in releasing some of this swirling energy.
It seems that my friend’s work is also my own. Her stuck-ness is my stuck-ness, and her process is literally my process.
Squashed, Blocked Energy Flow
Again, a visual of my mother, seated on my abdomen, overwhelms my emotions. I am experiencing extreme energetic blockage, and I intuitively know it is because of all the citizen-factory conditioning lovingly given to me by my dear mother.
Seconds later, I am spelunking back in my dark cave, asking my young inner eleven-year-old to release these blockages back to their higher evolvement while I hold loving energetic space for the process.
As I overhear two other people use the metaphor of blocked pipes in their lower chakra energies, I visualize the same metaphor, suggesting to my young boy that he might ask the angels to help clear out these clogged pipes so that they can drain to Mother Earth.
All the while, I continue to maintain a weak connection to the light, being both the space-holding observer, and my young boy doing the processing work.
A New Perspective
“You are trying to move the energy in the wrong direction.” New Jedi voices suddenly whisper to my heart.
“My creativity, sexuality, and power centers are blocked.” I begin to ponder. “I don’t want to get rid of these energies by having them flow out to Mother Earth. I want to do exactly what Keith suggested at the start of my work today … I want these energies to flow upward, into my heart.”
Quickly, I begin to visualize these painful blocks, not as being emotional density, but as being my own power and creativity that have been walled off, rejected, and blocked from flowing.
“Pain is resistance.” Keith always says. In this case, my pains are resistance to allowing my own beautiful energies to flow freely.
Flowing Bubbles
As I focus on this new metaphorical perspective, I feel tiny waves of these energies slowly moving upward, some of them making it all the way to my heart and even into my high heart and throat regions.
Soon, I am back in my dark cave, again standing in front of my mother. As I visualize her loving face, I ask her Higher-Self essence to help me restore my ability to flow this power and creativity upward to where it really needs to go.
Working with my mother’s energy in this way seems to help slightly, but the energy flow continues to be quite slow and weak. I sense the presence of horizontal walls attempting to isolate energy flow, both around my belly button and just below my rib cage.
But nonetheless, I do feel some undeniable trickles of energy bubbles that make it through these walls, all the way to the throat chakra.
Even though the flow is quite weak and slow, for me, given where I am starting from, I am elated … the sensations are profound.
A Blown Fuse
When the chocolate ceremony nears completion, Keith finally turns back toward me and makes eye contact.
“I have found that everything you have been doing with others has beautifully contributed to my own process.” I share with Keith. “Everything you have said is precisely what I needed to hear.”
I am again blown away by how – even when Keith is working with others – that it seems as if I have manifested the timing of their individual processes to fully serve my own.
“There is one thing I would like to know.” I beg Keith for any information he can provide. “A story that you shared earlier makes me wonder just what might have happened to me … about how this power connection between my heart and solar plexus became so blocked and walled off.”
“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds. “I cannot tell you what happened to you. It would be disempowering if I could tell you. Your own learning process will take you there … you need to find the answers yourself. But do pay attention to that ‘blown fuse’ metaphor. You are on the right track in following that clue.”
Two Shutdowns
I already have a great deal of inner intuition, telling me that this “blown fuse” exists between my power center (the solar plexus) and my heart – that when I am able to restore the flow of energy between these two chakras that I will have made great progress in restoring power to the magical theme park in my heart.
Something tells me that “age eleven” is a key turning point in my life – a time when I began to experience out-of-control energetic overload – a short circuit between gender struggles, religion-based shame, citizen conditioning, social dysfunction, and empath/mystical magic – all frying me at the same time. What else could I have done but to unknowingly sever that connection in a desperate attempt to save my life?
It all makes so much sense now. I went through two major shutdowns in my life … the first occurring at a very young age through standard societal and religious conditioning … the second as a result of absolute panic when my gender and social struggles suddenly intensified, as if out of nowhere, at age eleven.
It was indeed around eleven years old when I lost all social and creative confidence – when I began to clench, walk, and talk funny – when I became a frightened puppy hiding under the sofa of a world in which I simply could no longer function.
Physical Loathing
After gobbling down a plate of rice and beans, I am so physically and emotionally drained that I am asleep in bed by 7:30 p.m.. Monday morning, as I am awake at 5:30 a.m., I again cough up a storm with the fluid back in my lungs. It is so obvious now that heavy emotion triggers bronchitis symptoms, and profound release clears them up.
As I meditate further into this mystery age of eleven, I am suddenly guided back to vivid memories of a severe bicycle accident that happened in the same timeframe – right before Halloween, at age eleven and a half.
In that accident, I was knocked unconscious as I was thrown from an out-of-control bicycle going down a steep hill at thirty miles per hour. My front teeth were knocked out, my nose severely broken and bent, and I ended up with ugly bruises and lacerations over the majority of my body. The aftermath of that accident also left me feeling physically ugly, as I spent most of my teens with a badly broken nose and two front teeth that the dentist put back in my mouth, but which remained dead, yellow, cracked, and ugly.
It seems that scorpions, meditations, and intuitions are repeatedly guiding me to age eleven.
An Utter Turnaround
Yes, my life took an about-face in nearly all areas at that tender age. What is the mystery of my “blown fuse”? Only future meditative adventures will reveal that answer … yet I know I am getting warmer.
Prior to age eleven I was indeed a conditioned people-pleasing rule robot – but I was a mostly happy one. I was confident and socially outgoing, mostly fitting into and being comfortable with the norms of the world around me.
After age eleven, I remained a people-pleasing robot – continuing to portray an outward appearance of excelling – but struggling with extreme self-hatred on the inside. Among the factors leading to this self-hatred is the fact that I lived with a feeling of revulsion at the physical image that stared back at me in a mirror. At this same age, I started stuttering and talking extremely fast. I lost literally all social confidence. I began to walk pigeon toed (with arm and leg clenching). And most strongly of all, I considered myself essentially equivalent to the Devil himself, a result of extreme shame and self-loathing due to my secret gender struggles.
The newly discovered wildcard factor is my empath abilities. I now realize that throughout my childhood and teens, I was consuming a steady diet of the emotions, judgments, opinions, and feelings of everyone around me – whether those feelings were expressed or not.
Love That Just Is
I find it quite interesting that during meditation in the past two mornings, energy surges have sent intense itching energy through my nose – one of my most hated physical body parts during that period of my life – second only to my sexual organs. It seems that the Universe is gradually leading me to a healing energy flow in both my face and my lower chakras.
As I ponder back to meditations of the previous few mornings, I am again reminded of how I suddenly recognized that I feel unworthy of receiving love unless I worked hard to earn it.
When I combine this belief with the horrible self-loathing and self-hatred of my teen years, it is no wonder that I have been unable to receive and feel true unconditional love – love that just is.
Behind the scenes, I knew that everything I felt and did in my secret world of gender struggle made me a shameful hypocrite and sinner, utterly unworthy of divine love in any manner. How could I feel such love when my own heart was devoid of all worthiness to receive?
In retrospect, I now clearly see that I was beautiful and loveable all along … that as a young boy I was always genuine, loving, doing the best I knew how, desperately trying to fit in to a confusing and alien world. I now clearly see that I was indeed loved unconditionally by Source and by a Universe of Higher Beings who always held my hand through difficult times. It is so beautiful to realize that this love did not have to be earned. It was my birthright; it is a birthright for each of us.
I love the grace of pure unconditional love … a love that just is … a love that always has been and always will be. But why is it so difficult to remove my blocks to the awareness of its beautiful presence? Why is it so difficult to allow such pure love into my life?
I am so close … the inner walls are starting to crumble … I am beginning to get beautiful glimpses of this love … and it is amazing.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved