Brenda's Bicycles

After a morning of local food shopping and errands, I find myself seated on Keith’s magical porch for a rare Tuesday afternoon public chocolate ceremony. For this week only, our regular ceremony day of Wednesday has been swapped. For me, the timing is perfect.

After guzzling my chocolate, even before the glow meditation begins, I am already experiencing crazy and agitated emotions in my solar plexus. My stomach is extremely nauseas, my head swirls in pressure, and I am stuck. I desperately invite the light to connect with me, to fill me, to assist me – but nothing happens. I am unable to consciously flow any energy on my own.

Pushing And Fighting

During the glow meditation, as Keith encourages others to let the smile in their heart find them, I am so nauseas that I slip into the bathroom. I do not know if this is energetic or physical, but I desperately want to purge or vomit something out of my body. As I kneel on that cold and hard concrete floor, I eventually realize that the release I need to do is an energetic metaphor – nothing physical is even close to moving.

I want to bawl my eyes out, to scream and sob, to heave this stuck heavy energy out of my body – but nothing will release the inner agony. These energetic blockages are no longer welcome in my body, and I am impatient to get them out. Not feeling especially loving right now, I simply want to push and fight this energy.

After extensive coughing, streaming tears, and unsuccessful dry-heaving attempts to push energy out of my throat and solar plexus, I surrender. The physical agony in my abdomen is intense, and my forearms ache as if I have been clenching for hours. Finally, in painful defeat, I stand up, exit the bathroom, return to my cushions, and curl up miserably.

Moments later, the glow meditation ends.

Meeting With Resistance

“Brenda,” Keith quickly begins talking to me. “You are experiencing the strong resistance of your inner energies not wanting to allow the light. They are fighting you, refusing to permit the light to help you.”

“Don’t fight this resistance.” Keith guides me. “Instead, go deeper into it … allow it to consume you.”

“But I’m trying to remain connected to the light.” I whimper in confusion. “I feel like I have maintained a tiny connection.”

“Yes you have … and you are,” Keith validates my confused statement, “but the resistance is now up, and it needs to surface so that you can work with it. Invite all of the resistance energies to join you at the table in your inner conference room.”

Finding Trust

As I sit in that conference room, my abdomen shakes with pain, fear, and agitation. I breathe sporadically and feel emotionally out of control. As Keith works with me for a while, I quickly sink into my familiar loop of self-doubt.

“I don’t trust the energies.” I beg Keith to help me. “I can’t seem to connect.”

“Put a bucket on the conference-room table, in the middle,” Keith guides me, “and allow it to fill up with some of your trust.”

Refusing to allow doubt to control and occupy me, I determinedly visualize this metaphorical bucket.

“Where is that trust?” Keith soon asks.

“It is in my heart,” I respond weakly, “but my heart is deflated right now.”

As I hear these words pass from my tongue, I begin to breathe slowly and deeply, filling my chest with loving energy, breathing energy into my powerless heart.

Resistance To Light

Gradually, slowly, loving energies begin to return to my heart center. At the same time, I feel the energy in my head start to stabilize and experience a sensation of peace beginning to flow throughout my upper chakras – but my solar plexus continues to agitate and churn.

“There,” Keith soon interrupts the silence, “your bucket is filled with the trust.”

Just as Keith speaks, I too sense that trust is now overflowing in my calm and peaceful heart.

“Take some of that churning energy in your solar plexus and drop a spoonful into the bucket to see what happens to it.” Keith provides more meditative guidance as he quickly moves on to assist someone else.

As I imagine a spoonful of this yucky resistance energy being dropped into my bucket of truth, I intuitively sense that it all dissolves and magically transforms into peaceful white light.

Power Relays

“Hey Bobby and Sharon,” I create a meditative game, “let’s do a little relay race with spoons.”

Soon, my little inner children are carrying tiny little teaspoons, making trips to and from my solar plexus, bypassing the blocked energy channels, bringing tiny drops of that yucky resistance energy back to the conference room, taking turns dropping it into this bucket filled with loving trust.

As I allow this fun metaphor to continue, I pay close attention to the profound inner-work taking place across the porch. Keith is working with a woman that is into her own struggle with shutdown – dealing with the pain of having surrendered her own power to her parents as a child.

“Don’t do that to my nieces and nephews.” This woman shares words that she often says to her parents when they demand that the grandchildren ‘rein in their happiness, active play, joy, giggles, and laughter’.

As I overhear these words, I feel the pain of my own mother forcefully telling me to “rein in my childhood magic, my creativity, my power, my sexuality, and my joyful essence” and to instead be “serious and reverent”.

I find it quite profound, that at this very instant, my little inner children are assisting me in restoring trust in my own beautiful power.

An Invited Assistant

While Bobby and Sharon continue their relay game of bringing teaspoons of resistance energy to the bucket of trust on the conference room table, I soon feel intuitively guided to add another twist to my metaphorical journey.

I invite a three-year-old angel to come down from above and to stand with me up on top and in the middle of that conference room table, right beside the bucket. But I am not my adult self, I am instead my eleven-and-a-half-year-old self. I see this little angel as a metaphor of non-threatening outside energy that I would like to assist me.

Seconds later, as Keith begins to guide a woman across the porch in some soul-retrieval work, I intuitively realize that I need to make my little angel a tiny bit less threatening. Rather than seeing her as something outside of myself, I imagine her as my own magical energy – energy that I pushed outside of myself at age three for safekeeping. It is my own forgotten magic that I am inviting to stand beside me – to assist me – to help me face all of the frightening resistance that keeps me from thriving.

Surrounded By Faces

As I begin to imagine myself standing with this magical little girl beside me, looking around at the conference room, I intuitively realize that I need to give a visual face to this resistance energy.

To my shock, I am suddenly overwhelmed with the image of my mother, perhaps ten or fifteen of her faces – faces that occupy every one of the seats all around the table. I am deeply stuck, feeling frightened by the fearful emotions that surface as I intuitively see my mother’s stern and serious face controlling me, manipulating me to obey, scowling at me from every possible angle.

“All of this resistance energy comes from my mother’s voice.” I ponder with new clarity. “These crippling belief systems came from her well-intentioned teachings.”

I freeze in my tracks as I stand on that metaphorical table. I am a powerless young boy, frightened and unable to progress, having surrendered all power to the dominating voice of my loving mother – a devoted woman raising me in the only way she knew.

Toying With Anger

To my surprise, the next woman with whom Keith works also engages in profound processing that is childhood/mother related. Her work continues to inspire my own. Finally, Keith returns to work with me.

“Congratulations for where you are.” Keith tells me after I fill him in. “Now just stay there, standing on that table, experiencing the emotions and feelings.”

Keith quickly moves on to someone else.

As I again visualize myself as a young boy at age eleven and a half, standing in the center of the table, confronting my mother’s resistance with simultaneous love and anger, I begin to realize that allowing this anger to strengthen and surface is the only way to take back my loving inner power – to force the voices to release their clenching grasp on my heart.

(Keith later confirms that anger at this point is very important, effective, and necessary … that I needed to get angry at the voices.)

Proxies For Love

Soon, I become so overwhelmed and stuck in the pain of this child trying to throw off the voices of my mother that I lie down, curl up on my large pillow, pull a blanket over my head, and quietly whimper while tears trickle down my cheeks. I have no more strength and just want to give up.

“I wish I had a stuffed animal to give her.” I hear a friend speak quietly to Keith.

Overhearing this heart-felt suggestion drives me deeper into sadness and tears as I long for the feeling of curling up with the unconditional love of a teddy bear. I never before understood why I have always had such a profound love for stuffed animals. I can share love with them, and they do not care who I am, what I do, or how I feel – they simply love me back.

A Roomful Of Resistance

As I lie on my side, hiding under my blanket with tears still trickling, I begin to whisper quietly.

“I take back my loving power.” I quietly and repeatedly speak to the faces of my mother – faces that are sitting all around the conference table.

The power I am taking back is not protection, nor is it ego power. Instead, it is a self-loving power – a power that proclaims, “This is who I am … I love you but I need to follow my own heart … your beliefs are not working for me … I must live my own life … I will allow myself to live, to breathe, and to play with passion … I will trust and believe my own inner truth.”

As I continue this process with a focus of deep love, I am shocked when the number of visualized mothers gathered around the table skyrockets to more than one hundred – each face firmly and frantically insisting that I obey, hold to the straight and narrow path, and do as she says, or else I will be judged by God, sent to a lower kingdom, and eternally separated from those I love.

I know these faces are my resistance energies that are metaphorically taking on the visualized image of my mother’s face. They are not my real mother, but are merely representative of the energies that I acquired from her.

The more mothers that I feel in this conference room, the more intensely I cry. The more I attempt to take back my loving power, the more helpless I feel.

Strangled Roots

As Keith begins to work with a woman next to me, they begin to talk about emotional densities as being physical things with long branched root systems that grow and cling everywhere.

As I listen to this metaphor, I feel my mother’s voices sinking their roots into me, with long and tangled stringy filaments anchored throughout my body. Her lovingly instilled voices are the primary source of the root-like beliefs that maintain a stranglehold on my inner power flow – deeply entrenched clogs that prevent me from regaining, embracing, and expressing my power.

“I’m going to work with Brenda now.” I suddenly hear Keith tell the woman next to me. Seconds later, I am sitting up, wondering what magic Keith may have up his sleeves.

An Unearned Love

“Congratulations for the profound insights.” Keith tells me after I again bring him up to speed with my process.

As Keith validates that what I am experiencing is real and right-on, eagerly encouraging me to continue what I am doing, a couple of people stand up, needing to leave the porch. I watch with a smile as one beautiful young woman walks over to give me a hug on her way out.

As her arms wrap around me, I suddenly grab on tight and begin to sob. I feel her beautiful unconditional love – a love with no motive, no manipulation, no control, no expectations, and no conditions – a love that I do not need to earn. I do not want to let go of her embrace, and continue to sob and squeeze tightly.

Finally, I lightly release my squeeze while lifting my head and looking to Keith for guidance. When he encourages me to continue the embrace, I grab on even tighter, continuing to sob in this beautiful and genuine sharing of divine love. It is so therapeutic … so beautiful … so desperately craved.

“Look around the porch,” Keith taps me on the shoulder to get my attention.

Glowing Unconditional Love

As I glance around, every single face is radiating this same glowing, vibrant love in my direction.

I feel somewhat unworthy, and have a hard time maintaining the eye contact, but I receive the abundant love anyway. It is not until this beautiful young woman gets quite physically tired from squatting and leaning into our embrace that I release my squeeze and she sits down on the ground next to me.

“Look around you again.” Keith encourages me to take in the pure love from others.

As I inhale the sensation of unconditional love, I realize that I could sit here all day, all month, and all year if that were possible. Soon, my connection to this love fades as most of the porch clears, leaving only a few of us behind.

Crazy Confusing Metaphors

As Keith briefly works with another woman, I begin to experience sharp pains throughout my body, beginning in my lower abdomen, running up the middle of my body, and reaching all the way to a sharp pain between my eyebrows.

“Follow the metaphor.” Keith suggests after I ask for advice. “Simply watch and see where it leads you.”

As I sink into observation mode, I am overwhelmed with mind chatter and doubts. I am having a difficult time simply watching and trusting. Thoughts that “I need to do something” and “I need to fix something” swarm through my mind.

Finally, as I watch my projection-buddy ‘Paul’ begin to cleanup the porch and put all the pillows away, I become quite annoyed – as if he is energetically invalidating my continued processing.

A Distracting Loop

It is only after I express my projection to Paul that I realize he just served me greatly – showing me my tendency to sink into doubt, confusion, and even projection after having passed through such an amazing growth experience.

“Were all of these pains in my body just a setup for this distraction?” I ask Keith.

Keith smiles and acknowledges that I just caught myself entering a self-destructive loop – going into a lot of stuck pain at the very end of a ceremony, feeling helpless to proceed, and then feeling as if I was not going to get the help I need to tie up all the loose ends – once again being shortchanged by life.

In the last few months, I have often felt stuck and abandoned at the end of a ceremony, not reaching full closure, feeling doubtful that I can continue on my own. I suddenly recognize that this is a lifelong loop that has manifested since childhood, doing so in many creative ways.

“This is powerful work.” Keith congratulates me. “You are beginning to recognize loops that used to be unconscious. Now you are aware. It does not even matter if you go into the loop this time or not. Just the fact that you are aware of it will make a huge difference in your learning process. You can exit the loop anytime, but regardless of what you do, you will never again see this loop in the same way.”

Subconscious Book Of Beliefs

“How do I address all of these dysfunctional beliefs that keep me powerless?” I engage Keith in a short discussion before walking home. “Is there something I can do that will help me let go of these persistent beliefs that came from childhood?”

Keith soon gives me some homework – a task I have done before in his presence, but never on my own. He suggests that I can take a walk deep into my subconscious, locate what he calls my “Subconscious Book of Beliefs”, and find the pages containing the beliefs that I took on from my mother.

“When you find those pages,” Keith guides me, “actually read them energetically. Each belief will be a full paragraph. We have a right to know everything that is in our ‘Subconscious Book of Beliefs’, so you will be able to read the paragraphs in some way – perhaps visually, perhaps intuitively.”

Keith tells me that there could be multiple pages, and that I need to read and understand every paragraph – that I cannot destroy these beliefs until I fully understand them first.

When this initial discovery is complete, then my job will be to meditatively walk up to that book, rip out the pages involved, and find some creative way to destroy them – repeating this process for a total of three times.

A Mother’s Love

“Brenda,” Keith shares before I walk home. “You are writing a book about ‘A Mother’s Love’.”

“Yeah,” I respond. “I love my mother so much. I need to be clear in my writing that in spite of everything I am healing, that I do not blame my mother in any way. I was not a victim. Everything was a perfect and chosen setup for what I am now learning so that I can eventually help others through similar undoing processes.”

“There is no doubt that everything that took place in my childhood was because my dear mother loved me very much. She did everything in her power to teach me to follow in her footsteps. She deeply believed in what she taught me. She desperately feared for my eternal welfare if I were to stray from those teachings. Yes indeed, this is all about my mother’s love.”

Tantalizing Clues

“You’re mother’s voice is definitely related to your blown fuse.” Keith shares some tantalizing final comments. “Her voice is not the blown fuse itself, but it is part of the bread crumbs that closely surround it. The blown fuse is likely something that was energetically detached and needs to be reconnected in some way when the time is right.”

As I finish typing up my notes for the day, I am again graced with sharp pains in my solar plexus – pains demanding that I surrender to doubts and confusion – pains trying to pull me back into a dysfunctional loop after an amazing day of self-discovery.

“What will I do?” I ponder to myself.

“I will just smile and thank the pains, saying thanks, but no thanks.” I respond.

The pains soon dissolve to nothingness as I drift off to sleep.

Going Down

Wednesday morning, I debate if this will be a writing day or a processing day. I feel tired and unmotivated to write, continuing to delay my decision.

Finally, at around 10:00 a.m., I sit back for a minute to ponder this still-unmade decision. As deep emotional release suddenly surges inside, the decision is made for me. It is time to do my homework – time to find that ‘Subconscious Book of Beliefs’.

As I go into meditation, I connect with a very peaceful energy. Soon I imagine myself walking down – first down many flights of stairs, then sliding down a fireman’s pole, then stepping into an elevator and pushing the “B” for basement button.

The deeper I go, the more fear begins to surface. Quickly, as the fears increase, I ask Bobby, Sharon, and a few angels to join me for moral support.

Fear Of The Light

“These beliefs define who I am.” I ponder the profound fears that surface. “Without them, then who am I … what am I?”

“These beliefs give me stability, boundaries, definition … I don’t like them, but they are a known entity that has protected me in the past.”

Tears begin to stream down my cheeks.

“I don’t want to do this.” My fears grow louder. “I can’t do this … it is scary. I am afraid of my own light shadow … of who I will be without all of these restrictions.”

A Flow Of Words

When my meditative elevator doors open, I step out and find myself at the top of a spiral staircase. I feel as if I am in an old castle as I continue to step downward, circling, and descending. Bobby and Sharon run playfully in front of me. I step more slowly.

Finally, I feel myself at the bottom of the stairs. I want to keep stepping down, but can no longer feel the intuitive sensation of stairs below me – just solid ground. I intend to go exploring through a maze of hallways and rooms, but know that I am already exactly right where I need to be.

I am not a visual meditator, but I clearly sense a small pedestal in the middle of the room, on top of which is an open book – with the pages already opened to the beginning of the distorted beliefs that were taught to me by my mother.

As I begin to meditate, focusing on energetically reading this book (a book that I cannot visually see), I am surprised by the ease in which the words just start flowing. I write rapidly, attempting to keep up with the flow of words that effortlessly zoom through me.

A List Of Beliefs

I need to clarify that these paragraphs were not channeled to me word for word. The understanding and knowing magically opened up inside my awareness – and the words then flowed as an interpretation of that knowing.

Belief Number One:
“You must obey the rules. God will judge you if you break the rules – if you sin. There is only one way to do it and if you don’t do it right, you will fail, go to a lower kingdom, and not be with God and family. Even if the rules do not make sense, follow them. That is the only sure way – follow leaders even if they are wrong!!! Sacrifice your pride; humbly follow and obey.”

Belief Number Two:
“Play must be restrained and reverent – reined in. When we are too loud and joyful, it disturbs others. It is not God-like. God is quiet and reverent. If you want to earn God’s love, you too must be quiet, respectful, and reverent – sacrificing your joyful desires – they are selfishness that will distract you.”

Belief Number Three:
“Don’t question authority. Respect your parents, church leaders, and elders. They know more than you do. Your foolish desires are childish folly that will lead you astray. Blind obedience to church leaders is the safest path. You will never be condemned by following a church leader. If they are wrong, the mistake is on their heads. (In other words, suppress your creativity and simply be a sheep.)”

Belief Number Four:
“Honor your ancestors. Do not shame or embarrass them by foolish behavior. Tow the line to protect their name – the family image. Do not be different. Do not attract judgment – even the appearance of evil – because that dishonors our ancestors.”

Belief Number Five:
“Sex and sexuality are sacred, forbidden outside of marriage. Any exploration or confusion in this area outside the boundaries of marriage is akin to murder, cause for great shame and sorrow, breaking up families, excommunication, loss of love, and loss of spiritual blessings.”

Belief Number Six:
“Creativity will not support a family. Suppress out-of-the-box behavior and develop education and intellect. Earning a living is what matters – no need to enjoy what you do. It is your responsibility to sacrifice your heart/creativity so that you can carry the burdens of caring for others. The more money you can earn, the more content and secure will be your family. Risk is bad. Failure is bad. Always take the safe, guaranteed route – intellect/ planning/ insurance/ responsibility/ no debt/ burden/ work/ sacrifice. No one can be in unbridled joy – that is selfish!!! You need to sacrifice yourself for those you love.”

Belief Number Seven:
“Power is not God-like – it is ego and selfishness, the source of sin and rebellion. Obedience demands sacrifice of personal power. Power is a fast track to trouble. It is better to be a humble servant than to have power. Let others have the reins; simply be a good, obedient, follower of God. Power corrupts. Wealth corrupts. A powerful man cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Power and pride are entangled, inseparable. Humility means absence of power.”

Belief Number Eight:
“Self expression (throat chakra) is prideful. It is best to tie your tongue and say nothing rather than to speak your truth and possibly offend others. Suppress your differences – both in physical and in verbal expression.”

Belief Number Nine:
“Magical/energetic abilities are evil and of the Devil – unless they come through the ordained priesthood. If not through proper channels, it is potentially deception by Lucifer himself. Magical things happen, but are evil and wicked – appearance of good, but deception of evil. You cannot receive guidance or spiritual messages for others. This is evil, evil, evil – you must not allow this type of horrendous danger to manifest in any way. You must not allow the Devil to deceive you!!!

Belief Number Ten:
“Imagination is childish, head in the clouds silliness. It will get you nowhere in the real world. Rules, hard work, and obedience are the only recipe for success and heavenly reward.”

Belief Number Eleven:
“Scriptures, prayer, and fasting will help you overcome evil thoughts and feelings. Repentance for evil behavior is the only way to achieve forgiveness from God. If you don’t repent, you are condemned and judged – an outcast for eternity, separated from family – some sins are unforgiveable – murder and adultery/ sexual perversion (me).”

Belief Number Twelve:
“Hold to the iron rod. Do not dilly dally – do not loiter – it is hard work – you must push forward, never straying or deviating – it is serious business – there are life threatening consequences for disobedience.”

Belief Number Thirteen:
“If you break the rules, you deserve to be punished – for you own good. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Grace spoils. There is no allowance for gray areas. You must be hot or cold. That which is lukewarm will be spewed out of the mouth. (This is a reference to a scripture.) A full commitment to seriousness is required to achieve salvation.”

Endings And Beginnings

Wow, I am amazed at how easily these beliefs flow – and equally amazed by how the flow suddenly ceases when the thirteenth paragraph has been transcribed.

I have ended up with five pages of hand-scribbled paragraphs, so I imagine that I am dealing with five pages in this ‘Subconscious Book of Beliefs’.

It is now time to tear these pages out of my book and to destroy them in a creative way – doing so three separate times.

Flaming Transmutation

When I first imagine myself grabbing onto these pages, slowly tearing them out, I am shocked by the sensation that no matter how much I tear, the page goes on forever. I cannot remove it from the book.

Finally, I grab the pages tightly and give them a firm and forceful meditative rip, yanking them from the book with all the effort that my imagination can create.

Soon, I am pouring metaphorical gasoline all over them, then soaking them in a pan of gasoline, and finally placing them on the ground in front of me. As I toss a match on this pile of no-longer-needed beliefs, I watch them burn and burn and burn. After what seems like forever, I get the sensation that the beliefs transmute into a puff of pure white energy.

Speaking My Truth

For the second time, I return to the book of beliefs to take hold of those five pages. As before, I again feel as if I have to yank the pages forcefully from the book – they do not come easily.

Without any forethought, I find myself standing on the table in my inner conference room. In front of me is a bucket filled with truth – the same bucket from yesterday’s meditation.

Surrounding the table are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of resistance energies, each bearing the identical face of my mother.

“These beliefs no longer resonate with me.” I speak my loving truth to all gathered in the conference room. “They are distorted truths that propagate fear, separation, judgment, hate, and lies – denying the divinity of all of us – denying who I really am. These are not my truths; they are distorted lies, teachers of smallness and separation, judgment and duality. I will no longer embrace them.”

Into The Truth

As I prepare to drop the pages into that bucket of truth, imagining them being dissolved, I suddenly am intuitively aware of the sword of Archangel Michael – the spiritual sword of truth. I feel as if it is suspended in midair, directly in front of me, with the blade pointing upward.

Taking the five pages in my hand, I stab them downward onto the point of the blade. I then grab the handle, turn the blade so that it is pointed down, and push the tip, pages and all, down into the bucket of truth.

Soon, the pages dissolve. The distorted portions of these beliefs are gone, leaving behind only the portions that are compatible with divine truth.

This beautiful experience very much reminds me of several spiritual teachings that, when loosely paraphrased, state that you don’t release densities by shining light in their direction – but that you must bring those densities into the light – into the truth.

Intuitive Role Reversal

Feeling so immersed in this beautiful meditation, I surrender and attempt to further connect with that genuine and innocent boy of eleven and a half years. I attempt to immerse myself in the divine love of my mother’s true essence. When that metaphor falls flat, I imagine my own Higher Self and Future self, loving me, filling me – but I am stuck, feeling very little energy.

Suddenly, the “nail-in-my-heart” spot begins to hurt with deep, sharp pains. I intuitively realize that I am still unable to receive such love – that perhaps my blown fuse is my utter inability to receive the power of pure love – both from outside and from within.

I meditate deeper and deeper, asking all of my various inner children to help me. I soon turn this all around and ask young eleven-year-old Bobby to do whatever inner work is necessary, with me simply holding a powerful loving space for him.

A Frightened Boy

Soon, I connect with the intense self-hatred/ self-judgment/ and shame of this beautiful young boy. I send my future-self back in time to hold and hug him with unconditional love. This struggling boy has a very difficult time receiving this love.

He is in my childhood bedroom, feeling deeply shameful while home alone, secretly dressed up in his sister’s underwear and slip. He does not understand why he feels this crazy gender confusion. He hates his male body parts and tries to squish them and flatten them out of existence using a tight belt.

Suddenly, he experiences extremely pleasurable energies that he immediately assumes must be related to horrible evil sexual perversion – something he has never before experienced – something that pleasures yet terrifies him – something that screams “You are going to hell for what just happened – whatever it was.”

Life-Force Confusion

I attempt to comfort that young boy, but he is unable to feel my love.

“Is my blown fuse also related to the flow of divine life-force energy, that if held in the second chakra manifests as sexual pleasure?” I ponder with shock.

At that tender age, I had received no formal teaching about sex and sexuality. I had almost no understanding about the sexual act, or about physical orgasms – nothing, nada.

In my bliss over imagining myself as actually being a young girl, my body had reacted in a physically pleasurable way that triggered intense self-hatred for the divine energy that accompanied the experience. The result was a labyrinth of gender confusion, sexual fear, religious self-judgment, and a completely distorted understanding of divine life force energy.

Confused And Curious

After meditating in this painful space for a very long time, I energetically hug this little boy in his slip, bra, and panties. I lovingly smile at him, gently observing his short boyish hair, his confused facial expressions, and his terrified eyes. I cry with him as I feel his intense inability to love himself – or to receive love from any source, not even from me.

I imagine both of us jointly receiving pure unconditional love, quickly envisioning myself on the porch yesterday, being hugged by a magical and angelic young woman – receiving the pure love that radiated from all directions.

Eventually, I ask if this eleven-and-a-half-year-old boy will stand with me in that dark meditative cave, together in front of our loving mother – being his pure and innocent self – proud to be who he is, and to feel what he feels – confident that he is neither evil nor perverted for simply being confused and curious.

This beautiful inner child of mine hesitatingly stands with me, holding my hand – for the first time in his life beginning to believe that maybe he is not a pervert – that he actually deserved to be treated with love and acceptance – even when wearing a slip.

Creative Mystery

Finally, after a long-but-meaningful diversion, I know it is time to destroy those distorted beliefs for the third time. I ask young Bobby if he would like to help me, and he courageously volunteers to do so, still dressed in a slip, bra, and panties.

Slowly, he tears out the first page and places it to one side – then the second, the third, and so on. With the five pages in his hands, he holds them over a small bucket, tediously tearing them into tiny little pieces, as small as he can get them. Soon, he adds flour and water to the bucket, creating a paper-mache mixture of flour paste and paper scraps.

I begin to wonder what Bobby will build out of this sticky gooey paper – perhaps something to destroy … perhaps an image of the Devil … or something else? I am not directing this meditation. It is flowing as if out of nowhere, and I have no idea where it is going. My intuitive guidance tells me to just sit back and watch.

Soon, to my surprise and delight, I intuitively sense the image of a small paper-mache heart being held up by two small hands in front of me.

Loving Power

I break into loving and joyful sobs as I feel my little boy wanting to transmute those painful distorted beliefs using love – not destruction.

I envision a brilliant light consuming the paper-mache heart, radiating from within so brightly that the heart itself is transmuted – disappearing into the light – into pure love.

“Love is my power,” Intuitions begin to grow, “and my blown fuse prevents that love from flowing.”

I still find it nearly impossible to consistently receive such unconditional love from anyone – especially from myself. But that wall is eroding, and healing is on the way.

After this beautiful experience concludes, I continue to meditate for several additional hours, drifting in and out of joyful tears while experiencing beautiful energy flow throughout my body, especially in my hands.

Disappearing Beliefs

For many years, I have been aware that childhood conditioning and beliefs continue to influence and hinder my ability to move forward along my spiritual path – but I have never been able to identify fully just what those beliefs might be.

In a twist of beautiful synchronous flow, on these two exhausting days just five weeks ago, I found myself experiencing stiff inner resistance – resistance that soon took on the face of my mother. After following those breadcrumbs, I was guided to a ‘Subconscious Book of Beliefs’ that continued to hold me back – to prevent me from receiving true divine love. While many of those beliefs contain elements of the truth, they did indeed bend that truth into separation, judgment, and other various distortions.

As I surrendered to deep subconscious meditation, I bonded with a frightened young boy who then helped me transmute those beliefs using the truth of his magical being – using pure unconditional love.

There is no doubt that these beliefs have been completely removed from my ‘Subconscious Book of Beliefs’ – but there is also no doubt that I yet have much growth ahead. Many of these beliefs have been engrained into everyday habits – habits that will likely continue to manifest – but habits that are rapidly on their way out.

Best of all, I continue to grow ever closer to understanding that mysterious blown fuse.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved