As I wake up on Saturday morning, February 4, 2012, feelings of mild rebellion pulse through my veins. I feel stuck, beating myself up as a looser that will never be able to get out of my head – and never fully open the magic of my heart. I suppose those two weird dreams last night have something to do with this – dreams in which I was left feeling confused and guilty.
I mull around in front of the computer, catching up on emails, browsing the internet, and playing mind-numbing repetitive computer games – games that always give self-deprecating mind chatter an opportunity to grow and expand.
I attempt to bring in love as I had done several times yesterday – but I am unsuccessful. My solar plexus hurts and I simply feel no love. I recognize that I am profoundly looping in doubts and other ego behaviors – and as the observer I do not buy it – but nevertheless, the emotions are overwhelming.
I watch myself cycle through these dysfunctional ego loops with full awareness of what I am doing, not attempting to exit the loop, simply using the experience as an opportunity to know myself.
A Draining Detriment
This is one of those occasional Saturdays where I have been invited to assist in a private chocolate ceremony for a group of volunteers participating in a local project. I arrive early to express my concerns to Keith.
“I don’t know if I am a good addition to the ceremony today.” I express my crazy confused state to Keith. “I am in so much emotion that I am not sure if I will contribute or take away from the ceremony. Will you check your guidance for me?”
“I’m getting that you will not interfere at all with the ceremony,” Keith reassures me, “but my guidance also says that you do not need to be here if you choose to do something different. It is your choice.”
Knowing that my presence will not be a draining detriment on others, I make the decision to stay, hoping that maybe I can contribute, and that perhaps the ceremony will help me in my own process.
Deep Triggers
At the start of the ceremony, I remain cordially helpful but mostly hide in the shadows – not wanting my emotions to rub off on others. To my dismay, much of the bantering and pre-ceremony conversation between the group members actually makes me feel more disconnected, wanting to run away and withdraw, to dig a hole and climb in to isolate.
Finally, Keith pulls me into the mix by asking me to assist as an empath while helping someone to release their emotions. Soon, as Keith conducts an empath training for the group, I decide to follow along and participate.
As Keith guides people through phase one of the training – a phase where they experience their old patterns of bringing the painful emotional densities into their own bodies – I begin to fill with deep profound fears and my solar plexus starts to swell with pain. Yet I do not feel any actual flow of energies. I continue to doubt myself. It seems that for the last month or so, in nearly every empath training that I participate, I am deeply triggered. My empath abilities remain mostly shutdown, and something inside of me is terrified of reopening them.
I attempt to bring in love, but the more love I feel, the more my fears also surface.
In Crisis Mode
During phase two of the training – a phase where Keith guides people into allowing the emotional densities of others to pass through their bodies without “eating them” – without storing them in their bodies – I sink into deep panic. My heart is filled with fear and agitation. Intuitively, I know it is my little inner children cowering in terror.
As this overwhelming panic begins to consume me, I return to my cushion by the kitchen door and disengage from the training. As I emotionally isolate myself, I feel the freak-out that is raging in my heart. I observe and invite love, but am so consumed in my process that I am oblivious to everything around me.
“What about phase three?” I eventually interrupt Keith when I see him moving on with other parts of the ceremony.
“Brenda, we already did that while you were deeply engaged in your own process.” Keith reassures me.
“Wow,” I admit with shock, “I am in such strong crisis mode with my little inner child, just trying to bring in love, that I completely tuned everything else out.”
A Frightened Love-Starved Dog
Almost immediately, my mind is again pulled back to memories of a video that I recently watched – the one of a frightened dog that desperately needed love. For some reason that I do not yet fully understand, I profoundly identify with that terrified little dog – I see that little dog as being representative of me as a tiny child. I identify with the dog’s love-starved fear at how those around her will just try to suppress and control her. The dog’s panic-filled screeches cause me to sob – and the dog’s response to finally being loved reminds me of how I have repeatedly screeched and sobbed, several times on the porch over the last few weeks, when someone has simply hugged me with pure unconditional love.
Since the video seems to be such an integral part of my process, here is a link to it in case anyone else wishes to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8KwKgumceM.
As I briefly share with Keith, I mention the video and express that a part of me feels frightened that reconnecting to this empath sensitivity will literally “fry me … blowing out my circuits again like that frightening spark in my shower a couple of months ago.”
Powerful Connections
I sit quietly in this panic while Keith continues to work with others. Remaining totally out of my head, I imagine myself sitting in the back seat of a car, observing my process without trying to be in the driver’s seat. As I do so, I begin to feel a gradual increase in peaceful loving energy that starts to fill me.
Suddenly, I experience a beautiful space of loving vibration that radiates from the upper front of my throat and runs right down to the center of my heart. I feel the energy in a powerful and physical way, as if a three-inch-wide channel of strong and stable love is running from the top of my throat right to the very center of my heart.
All feelings of panic immediately cease as relaxation consumes me. Intuitively, I know that this experience is a beautiful energetic connection involving the Christ/Cosmic-consciousness of the high heart, being powerfully connected to my expressive chakra (throat) and my love center (heart).
False Connections
“How is your inner child doing?” Keith unexpectedly checks in with me a while later.
“Oh, she’s doing fine.” I respond without actually giving it much thought.
“No,” Keith counters, “actually ask her.”
As I try to connect with the energy of little Sharon, I do not feel much of a real connection, but I do continue to feel amazingly peaceful.
“She is loving and peaceful.” I again share the surface level feelings that are all I am able to feel.
“No,” Keith insists, “find her in the conference room or something. Actually connect to her. How is she feeling?”
Relegating Control
When I imagine sitting in my inner conference room with Sharon sitting in a nearby chair, I suddenly feel a traumatized little girl who recognizes that something powerful just happened – and she is still shaking, as if she is going into shock or PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
“Now you are connected with her,” Keith finally congratulates me.
I love how Keith knew exactly what he was looking for – how he already knew that my little inner child was struggling – and how he made me actually connect to her energy and figure it out for myself.
“Tell her that you will shut this all down if she wants you too … if it is too overwhelming for her.” Keith guides me.
I clearly recognize that Keith understands that little Sharon is quite frightened by all of the powerful magical connections that just opened – connections that have been blocked for decades – connections that she has kept shut down for a very good reason.
Building Trust
In a meditative chat with my metaphorical little girl, I visualize myself handing her an electronic variable-speed control device that she can use to control the flow of power between the throat and the heart. I tell her that she can use the control to turn the flow on or off, or to adjust it to any speed in between.
As I give Sharon this power, I immediately feel the flow of energy in my upper chest slow down, and then gradually stop. But rather than panic – because I as the adult crave this flow – I simply trust. Soon the flow, the feeling of peaceful opening gradually starts up again – but being considerably less powerful than before.
I make no attempts to judge or control what little Sharon is ready or capable of accepting. I peacefully allow her to have the power to decide – to build trust with me that I will not use my love for her as a way to manipulate or control.
Physical Confirmations
Later, as Keith guides someone through a soul-retrieval process, I too intuitively sense an energy above my head, and decide to invite it into my heart. As I attempt to pull the energy into my heart, the process does not feel right … I am forcing it.
Finally, after about five minutes of resistance and failure, I surrender and ask the energy to show me how it would return. Very soon, with no effort on my part, I feel increased energy flow in my crown and upper forehead area. I actually feel sharp pinpricks in a tiny spot at the center of my upper forehead – as if someone were lightly and gently poking me with sharp needles.
I love how the physical sensation tells my rational mind that something real is happening. While I know that my third eye is not yet fully awake, I have the strong intuitive knowing that this energy, whatever it is, is now home, where it belongs. I feel more energy vibrations in this area of my head than I have ever before experienced.
Raised Red Flags
There is a young man on the porch who is deeply stuck in painful inner child issues. I will call him Joe. As Keith works with him, the young man comes up against some very powerful inner fears. It very clear that right now, Joe is too afraid to go any deeper into his inner journey.
Three times during the ongoing conversation between Keith and Joe, I can see and feel the fear in Joe’s eyes as he expresses that he is too afraid to go deeper, that he is not ready etc… Three times, I observe as Keith lovingly honor’s Joe’s fear, reassuring him that there will be no pushing, that when there is too much fear it is best to back off and to come back to process the issue on another day.
Twenty minutes later, as Keith has his back turned while working with someone else, I observe as Paul goes to sit in front of this young man. I watch with horror as Paul begins to encourage this young man to face his fears and to go deeper. I see the panic in Joe’s eyes as Paul tries to energetically take Joe to where he has already clearly stated that he is too afraid to go.
It is clear to me that Paul’s intentions are pure – but he seems determined to push Joe to where he knows he is capable of going. All of my red flags go up as I observe this strong scenario of pushing.
Concerned Whispers
Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, I find the right moment to tap Keith on the shoulder. When Keith glances up, I calmly point toward Paul, and then lean over to whisper my concerns in Keith’s ear. I am not trying to get Paul in trouble. In fact I am not at all triggered by Paul’s behavior … but I am deeply concerned about the ramifications of what he is doing to Joe.
Thirty seconds later, after Keith quietly checks in with his guidance, he glances back at me and gives me an incognito “OK” sign.
As Paul’s pushing continues, I watch with a weird combination of concerned detachment. It pains me to watch as Joe gets a very fearful and stressed look on his face – while at the same time trusting that Keith is deeply guided in allowing the situation to continue, at least for now.
Frightened And Stunned
Ten minutes later, Paul stops what he is doing and interrupts Keith who is still across the porch.
“Tell Keith what you just told me.” Paul instructs Joe.
Joe continues to look frightened and stunned, saying absolutely nothing.
“He’s too afraid to do this in public with this group.” Paul then repeats Joe’s still-unexpressed words to Keith.
It is obvious that Paul thinks he is helping, first by pushing, and then by exposing details of Joe’s fears to all of his peers. Paul appears clueless as to the trauma he is causing, actually seeming to believe that Keith is now going to jump in and somehow push Joe into further opening.
Connecting Eyes And Hearts
When Keith lovingly acknowledges Joe’s fears and responds that now is not the time to work with them, Paul sits down and disengages from the ceremony. I perceptively sense that Paul now realizes he has done something wrong.
Joe is noticeably traumatized, with tears in his eyes. For most of the entire remainder of the ceremony, Joe stares at the ground.
My heart is broken. A few times when Joe does look up, I briefly connect eyes with him in a loving non-threatening way, just letting him know that I feel and understand what he is going through.
As the ceremony eventually concludes, Joe is the last to leave, as if he is intentionally hanging around, hoping for some closure. I too am hanging around, because I desperately hope to discuss the situation with Keith.
“How are you doing?” I ask Joe with a loving tone when he comes over to hug me goodbye.
“OK,” he responds glumly before turning away and beginning to walk down Keith’s garden steps.
Needed Lessons
A few minutes later, after everyone else but me has left, I am delighted to see Joe walking quietly back up the steps.
“Is it OK if I stay to talk for a while?” Joe asks timidly.
“Oh, please do.” I give Joe a huge hug. “I am so glad you asked. I could feel your fear and trauma … and I am so grateful that you want to talk about it.”
Keith soon comes out and explains to Joe that he had checked his guidance and felt that it was appropriate to allow what had happened – that it would be a powerful lesson for all involved.
“You needed to find the courage and power to speak up and follow your heart.” Keith reassures Joe. “And Paul needed a lesson to learn how he still pushes people in inappropriate ways.”
“And I needed a lesson in learning to trust guidance.” I ponder silently to myself.
Joint Benefits
The three of us engage in delightful conversation for the next thirty minutes before Joe finally departs feeling happy and empowered. I am so grateful for the peaceful inner knowing that my participation was an important part of this beautiful outcome.
“Keith,” I soon beg for clarity, “what if Joe had not come back? He would have left feeling traumatized, having had a very bad experience today.”
“But he did come back.” Keith smiles at me – a smile that indicates Keith knew all along that everything was going to be OK.
It seems that I still doubt the principles of joint reality creation – that I still see part of the process as somewhat random – that I still believe one person can get their needed lesson while another might walk away being victimized.
It is not until I write six weeks later that I fully see that Joe came back because his Higher Energy deeply guided him to come back – that it was a beautiful setup for all involved. I am deeply grateful for what I learned from this experience, and in retrospect, I can clearly see how it benefited all involved.
A Singing Heart
For the next few minutes, I take advantage of the opportunity to discuss my own process with Keith. He congratulates me for not buying into my ego loop of getting lost in doubts, for bringing in the love and staying out of the way, and for not letting the interference of mental chatter distract me.
“You did beautiful work today.” Keith speaks in reference to the connecting work I did with my little inner child.
At that moment, Paul walks back up onto the porch.
Having found beautiful closure to everything I wanted to talk about, I quickly hug Keith and excuse myself. Something tells me that Keith and Paul need to have a conversation – and it is one in which I have no desire to participate. I still find myself feeling quite fearful of potential conflict, and am deeply grateful that this is Keith’s magical porch and not mine.
After a quick meal of rice and beans, I again grab my IPod. I am feeling unusually magical and alive, and for the next two hours I dance and sway around my kitchen and living room. Even after going to bed, my heart sings as I continue to sway my arms to the beautiful music.
An Agitated Abdomen
After a peaceful, relaxing Sunday morning, I soon find myself back on Keith’s porch for the third consecutive day in a row.
As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, the energy in my solar plexus is extremely agitated. I have no idea what it is about – whether it is pain, fear, self-hatred, or whatever. To my surprise, right before beginning the glow meditation, without me having said anything about what I feel, Keith turns to speak to me.
“Wow, that is intense!” Keith exclaims as he points to my abdomen. “I feel it strongly.”
I never cease to be amazed by what Keith can feel – and how he can feel such intense pain in others without letting it affect him.
As the glow meditation proceeds, I just bring in love and light, not judging the pains that I am experiencing – pains that remain quite agitated. Instead, I simply breathe energy into my heart and focus on trying to feel self-love.
The agitation continues, but rather than judging it, I accept and love the pain as being part of my process – and I love myself for having the pains.
Simply Following
As Keith begins working with individuals, I feel mild inner prompting to go work with one specific woman. Finally, after ignoring the feeling for ten minutes, I give in and go sit down in front of her.
I do not know why, but I feel guided to mostly maintain my distance, occasionally touching her lightly with a finger on the back of her heart chakra. I match my breath with hers. When she begins to make noises, I “ohm” lightly. After a long period of sitting in front of her, I sense her energy begin to lighten as she starts to hum a very pleasant tune. I have no idea what, if anything, that I did, other than to hold space for her, but she is delightfully happy now.
Meanwhile, I have simultaneously been sending energy to a nearby man who is deeply stuck in anger. I sense his desire to go deeper into anger and pain – something I have assisted him in doing on a previous occasion. I hold space for that, sharing energy with him in whatever way my intuitions guide.
After about twenty minutes, Keith suddenly gets up from across the porch, and briefly works with the woman seated next to this man.
“Work your magic and help Brenda work with him.” Keith then asks this woman while pointing to the man that I am assisting.
The Profound Power Of Love
To my beautiful surprise, this woman places her hand on this man’s heart and begins to lightly sing a song that sounds like an angel – a song sending him angelic love.
“Love that little boy.” I encourage my young male friend. “Let him feel this angelic love.”
Rather than going to anger, where I had believed he wanted to go, the young man sobs and sobs as he brings desperately needed love to his precious inner child. When his inner process finally ends, I am deeply honored to have been a part of it – and I have learned so much about the profound power of love.
Releasing Rising Emotions
Soon, as Keith begins to lead into a beautiful empath training, I begin to sink into my own process. The agitation in my solar plexus had mysteriously disappeared while I worked with others, but now the pains are returning in a big way.
“I have a scared child shaking in my solar plexus.” I briefly share with Keith before he launches into the training. “My little inner child is not sure if we want to open up our magic any further.”
During phase one, as Keith asks people what types of things they do to release the emotions taken in from others so that they have room inside to eat more of that density, Keith shares with the group about how I, as a child, used to isolate myself and play the piano – how that was one of the only manners that I could express my emotions in a way that was not made wrong.
“Yeah,” I speak up briefly, “I used to sink deeply into the emotions when I played. It was the only outlet I had.”
As these words leave my tongue, emotions swell within, and I begin to tear up. A woman to my left feels my pain and starts to help me, but I lovingly share that I need to do this alone. At the moment that she had touched my hand, my emotions vanished, and part of me continues to insist that I cannot allow these emotions to be taken from me before I feel them.
Dropping Resistance
Halfway through phase two of the training, I am deeply struggling with emotion. I want to open up more, to feel and experience more – but deep fears continue to shake inside. I consciously focus on remaining connected to my inner children. I do not want to push them in any direction that they do not want to go.
During the third phase of the training, I am experiencing so much inner fear that I turn and ask the woman to my left to help me now. She quickly takes hold of my hand.
I am quite proud of myself for dropping my resistance to outside help – but to my surprise, her assistance does not seem to help at all.
I am so deep in the fears of my inner children that I emotionally shut down for a few minutes, focusing solely on my own process.
Suddenly my attention is pulled back to the group.
Angry Denial
I observe that Paul is working with someone nearby, and as he begins to enter an old behavioral pattern, Keith stops what he is doing, turns to face Paul, and points out to Paul what he is doing.
(I am doing my best to not give specifics here … but I need to talk about the situation in general terms.)
“I don’t agree with you.” Paul fights back. “I demand additional explanation and justification for what you are telling me.”
“You are not doing it at the conscious level,” I innocently add my own comment while just trying to help. “It is something you are doing at the subconscious level.”
“I want evidence.” Paul demands, as he insists to Keith that he is wrong. “I have worked with several people today … I want to hear the feedback from them.”
At Paul’s request, one woman speaks up and indicates that she sees this behavior a lot, that she is deeply sensitive to it. Keith then provides additional info, after which another person indicates that they too noticed the behavior.
Paul refuses to admit anything, and is in forceful and angry denial.
A Verbal Left Hook
“Paul, can I give feedback?” I ask.
Normally, I do not like to give Paul such feedback, but since he asked the group for more understanding, I feel guided to speak what comes through me.
“Yes,” Paul reluctantly responds after a short pause.
“This all reminds me of what happened with Tom last Friday.” I genuinely provide my observation.
“I didn’t blah, blah, blah.” Paul lashes back.
“No, you didn’t.” I calmly respond. “But you ARE doing exactly what he did. You are in complete denial, refusing to look inside yourself, and laughing off what everyone is trying to say to you as not being true.”
Paul discounts my comment and laughs at me. I get the strong intuitive feeling that he sees me as a crazy woman who is just trying to make his life miserable. I know he is projecting some type of authority figure onto me, but he has never yet been able to see that.
“Paul,” I lovingly respond, “I am just giving you loving honest feedback, coming from pure love in my heart. I see you do the same thing in most ceremonies … and you did ask for feedback.”
“I don’t need to hear this from someone who can’t even allow herself to open up to her own magic.” Paul slams me angrily with a sharp verbal left hook.
The Fish Aren’t Biting
Keith again reinforces his original feedback to Paul, but Paul just refuses to see it, quickly discounting what Keith says as hogwash.
“That is fine,” Keith responds with love, “go ahead and don’t believe me, and if it is an issue, it will come up again in the future.”
Paul soon goes over to sit in a corner, angry and pouting.
As I observe in stunned silence, I begin to giggle – but just on the inside.
“Wow,” I think to myself. “I do not feel any emotional charge at all. I had ample opportunity to project, to be angry, to feel attacked, to feel victimized, and to get defensive … and I DID NOT TAKE THE BAIT!”
“I treated Paul with pure love,” I further ponder. “I spoke from a place of love and took nothing personally.”
As these empowering thoughts flood my mind, I begin to sense huge rushes of self-love for this profound realization. He gave me ample ammunition to suck me into a huge round of emotional conflict – and I simply did not bite. Instead, I experience a deep sense of gratitude for what just happened.
Abdominal Advice
To my shock and surprise, as I bring all this new self-love into the picture, my abdomen begins to go stir crazy with angry feelings.
Now I start to giggle on the outside. I realize that I am “busting ego” as Keith has called it. I feel pure love, no emotional charge at all. Yet my belly is screaming that it wants to get angry, to project, to defend itself, to be a victim, to throw a vicious temper tantrum … but still, I just giggle at it.
When Keith soon feels guided to turn and work with me, I explain to him what is going on.
“Bullshit was just dumped all over me and I didn’t take the bait,” I giggle to Keith. “And my abdomen is going crazy, absolutely insisting that this is not right, that I must be furious, that I must throw a huge tantrum.”
“Do you have any suggestions on how to work with this abdomen of mine?” I ask with a delighted peaceful smile.
Tantrums To Giggles
“First of all, don’t make fun of it.” Keith calms down my giggling self-understanding. “This is a real part of you that needs something. Go sit with this angry part in your abdomen and find out what it needs.”
“It needs my love and compassion.” I respond to Keith a few minutes later. “It wants permission to throw a tantrum, and it needs my love … my self-love and divine love.”
“Why don’t you try something different?” Keith suggests an alternative plan. “I agree with you, but trust me on this.”
“Go down there in front of this energy,” Keith guides me. “Then stage your own crazy overdone tantrum … and see what happens.”
As I imagine myself flailing my arms and legs, holding my breath and throwing a major fit, I start to giggle. I sense that this energy in my abdomen really wants to giggle back at me, but instead holds firm to its angry emotional stance.
I would love to laugh … I would love to belly laugh … but am not quite able to go there.
My Own Empath
“How is that child now?” Keith follows up a few minutes later.
“She wants to release this emotion.” I respond, after meditatively connecting. “She is tired of being a victim. This is intense energy, it hurts us both, and she wants it out.”
“Why don’t you, as the adult empath that you are, go in and be the empath for this little child that wants to release this emotion?” Keith coaches me.
As I hold my hands radiating energy toward my own abdomen, I meditatively express my intent for this inner emotion to be released through me.
Suddenly, my fingertips light up with a strong energy flow. The energy in my hands is unusually intense.
Convoluted Power
“Stop the flow of energy.” Keith guides me in a strange turn of events.
Simultaneous with my intent to stop the flow, the intense energy in my hands returns to normal. I know Keith is using this as an object lesson to teach me about this energy.
After a few minutes, Keith then suggests that I resume the flow. As I meditatively express my intent to again have my inner child release this energy to me, the physical energy in my hands suddenly gets very strong, once again.
Over time, the energy flow grows stronger and stronger. It is amazing and extremely powerful, but not quite as strong as the lightning-bolt-strength energy that blew me away on the porch in November 2010 (see blog “Lightning Bolts”, published Dec 16, 2010).
The more this energy flows out of my hands, the more I feel things churning around in my abdomen. The angry tantrum in my abdomen gradually settles as the energy in my hands skyrockets.
“Keith,” I beg for understanding, “could this energy in my hands be my own density from the solar plexus that is now being transmuted and returned to me as pure power?”
Keith surprises me when he agrees that this is a beginning part of my true power coming out – but then clarifies that it is not transmuted density.
“The pains in your abdomen were your own power that has been inside out, twisted, and upside down in such a convoluted way that it has been extremely painful inside.” Keith shares new metaphors with confidence. “That power is now being released, free to be what it was originally.”
“A lot of your power was pushed outside of you when you were a child.” Keith adds. “And that will come back in the future.”
Energy Spikes
As the energy in my hands is flowing at full strength, Keith asks an energy-sensitive man to come over and feel my hands. The man is amazed by how much energy he feels coming from my palms.
“And I feel sharp spikes of energy coming from her fingertips.” The man shares his surprise.
Wow, I love the external feedback. It helps reinforce that I am not making this up … that someone else can feel what I feel. I literally feel as if sharp energy spikes are indeed emanating from each fingertip, and that a column of mini-lightning is radiating from the center of each palm.
Eventually, after my abdomen has reached a beautiful peaceful state, I turn my hands so that my fingers and palms point back toward my solar plexus. As I do this, a new round of agitated pains suddenly surface in my belly. I intuitively know that it is more energy that wants to be released. Again, I feel the strength of the energy flow increase, but it never quite reaches the powerful levels of November 2010.
Migrating Pains
Even after everyone else leaves, I am so mesmerized that I do not want to move. Eventually, the solar plexus pains fade and a new column of sharp pain forms – pains that span from the groin all the way to the heart. This column of pain is a few inches wide. Intuitively I know that this is something different – something that wants to open.
Before I say anything about the shape of these new pains to Keith, he points out the vertical column that has formed. Keith goes into his house and begins his nightly chores while I continue to sit and bask in this energy. I turn over the “variable speed” controls to my little inner child, giving Sharon full decision over what happens – telling her that she can open more or shut this down, or do something in between – whenever she decides.
Eventually, the energy in my hands completely ceases, and the vertical pains in my abdomen vanish, as a sharp pain forms exactly at that “nail-in-my-heart” spot. After sitting with this new physical metaphor for ten minutes, I finally call into Keith’s house, asking for suggestions.
“Sit with that pain and ask it what it is and what it needs from you.” Keith guides me.
Loosening The Screws
Suddenly, as I meditate deeper, intuitions remind me of the image of a metaphorical Phillips screwdriver stabbed into this region of my heart.
“I think maybe I’m supposed to pull that screwdriver out now.” I call out to Keith for guidance.
“Brenda,” Keith soon calls out with new advice, “try giving it a few turns or twists … like maybe a screw needs to be loosened or removed.”
As I sink back into meditation, I hold my right hand over my heart and simultaneously twist while imagining myself turning this metaphorical screwdriver four times in the counterclockwise direction. To my delight, I suddenly experience a burst of pleasurable energy that emanates from this spot. I again move my hands and imagine myself turning it four or five more times. Another physical burst of energy radiates outward from the center of my heart chakra.
Then, I imagine myself actually pulling the screwdriver out of my heart … but nothing happens. Intuitively, I know that something powerful happened with the twisting, but that it is not yet time to pull the screwdriver out.
On A Roll
“Wow, you’re on a roll.” Keith grins at me when I walk into his house to say goodnight. “Isn’t it a lot more fun working this way?”
“Yeah,” I respond with a huge grin.
Then I briefly engage Keith in a discussion about what took place on the porch today with Paul.
“It sure worked out perfectly for me.” I share with delight. “I needed it to happen exactly the way it did in order for my magic to further open. I still have no emotional charge. Even talking about it right now, I am simply radiating love and not taking the bait.
Delegating Control
As I later rest in bed, I remember a time when Keith told me that “sometimes pushing might get good results”. It was something he told me when I was trying to understand how and why the rules of energy work always change – of how the Universe forces us to connect and follow rather than allowing us to make hard and fast rules about how inner work should be done.
“As soon as you think you have something figured out,” Keith often says, “It will change.”
Tonight, I feel a strange and unusual intuition to “push my process”. I connect with Sharon, give her a power switch, and guide her that she is ultimately in charge of what happens.
“Please consult with our Higher Self for any questions of trust and guidance.” I give advice to little Sharon. “And shut this process down at any time if you feel it is too much or too strong.”
Taunting, Pushing, And Releasing
After setting up this scenario, I begin to taunt the stuck and angry energies in my abdomen – specifically targeting any of the angry energies that remain – energies such as those that might judge or lash out at Paul or others. I make fun of the energy, challenging it, egging it on, and calling it names, etc…
“Fight back you wimpy energy.” I call out. “Come on, expose yourself, get out here and show your face. You are not wanted here.”
I engage in this process for more than an hour, repeatedly coming up with new things to taunt the hiding, stuck, stagnant, angry energy in my belly.
While doing this, I hold a powerful loving space, acting as an empath for whatever might come up, releasing the negative energies to the angels for transmutation. To my delight, I continually feel a great deal of angry, agitated density as it surfaces and then dissolves into peaceful vibrations, leaving me for its higher evolvement.
At times, I also add some physical wiggling and laughing to stimulate the energy release. Finally, when I sense that I am done, I have the slight feeling that perhaps I may have pushed just a little too much … but I trust that all is well, quickly curling up to go to sleep.
Profound Integration
As I awaken on Monday morning, I have the strong awareness that I have been doing a great deal of inner processing during my dreams. I know this for a fact, yet all details vanish from my memories as I attempt to grasp them.
With three back-to-back ceremony days now behind me, I am delighted to spend two days in a row engaging in passionate writing. It never ceases to amaze me how writing can be even more powerful for my integration than was the original experience.
Power-Filled Lessons
In these last four days, I have been on quite the journey with my inner children – a journey taking us on an emotional roller coaster – a journey of love-starved children in crisis, to one of empowered and giggling children who can run lightning bolts out my fingertips.
On Saturday, powerful lessons confirmed my understanding of pushing, trusting the process, and in recognizing that everyone involved in any situation is jointly creating and/or allowing that situation, and that the highest good always results.
But the most powerful adventure came on Sunday when I was given ample opportunities to project, to be angry, to be a victim, to rage with emotional charge – yet I simply did not take the bait. Instead, giggles filled every cell of my body, taking me on such a power-filled journey that power literally spewed out of my fingertips in a lightning-bolt experience that was second only to one that took place just over fourteen months earlier.
Experience has shown that the full awakening of this magical power is still a work in progress – but such magical glimpses as I had this week definitely make the journey more rewarding and exciting.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved