Brenda's Bicycles

Agitated energy consumes my lower chakras, so much so, that I cannot sleep. Finally, around 2:30 a.m., I slip out into the living room and curl up on my daybed, hoping that a change of scenery will help in the relaxation process. While I am finally able to get some rest, the uneasy energy continues to flow.

As I finally surrender to morning daylight, I spend several hours of continued energetic agitation – with mild, restless energy flowing from the lower second chakra, right up the middle, ending at that nail-in-my-heart spot. My right eye is blurry and I cannot focus my attention on much of anything for more than three seconds.

Intuitively, I know that all of this crazy energy is in some strange way preparing me for today’s chocolate ceremony – but I cannot imagine what it might be. It is Wednesday, February 8, 2012, slightly before noon.

Teasing Tarot

As I prepare to walk out to Keith’s humble home, I feel a desire to pull three Tarot cards.

The first is “The Lovers” card which I take as reminding me that it is time to allow in the love – to work with higher energies in allowing more unconditional love into my life.

The second card is the “Ace of Cups” which I feel is letting me know that I am working with core emotional issues at my very root.

And the third card is the “Eight of Swords” – a card in the mental suit – one that today seems to tell me that certain elements of my mind are blindfolded – things about which I am not aware, but which might be on their way into my awareness.

Growing Nausea

“What are you ready for today?” Keith unexpectedly turns to me before he prepares to guide the group through a glow meditation.

I quickly explain my crazy agitated energy, and my confusion regarding whether it might be density or perhaps something that wants to open.

“Just sit in the confusion and observe.” Keith encourages me to go deeper.

As the glow meditation proceeds, my stuck-ness seems to grow ever stronger. I attempt to find the inner smile in my heart while inviting loving energies to fill my being. I feel some love … but not much. Mostly, I remain stuck and clueless.

Intuitively, I feel as if something wants to open, but the agitation in my abdomen is now shifting into growing nausea. This whole experience is uncanny, reminding me of something I wrote about just yesterday – about a day when I literally wanted to vomit out my yucky resistance. (See blog “A Subconscious Book Of Beliefs” published Feb 7, 2012).

An Inner Relationship

When Keith begins his round of individual assistance, he turns to me first. I quickly share unfolding insights about the Tarot cards I pulled this morning.

“Take a slightly different twist.” Keith suggests regarding the ‘Lovers’ card. “Focus on the inner masculine and feminine energies … ask them to join you in your inner conference room … find out how they feel about each other.”

I am stuck in doubt, not trusting my abilities, unable to feel a connection with these aspects of myself, and unable to visualize or imagine anything. I get lost in the inner chatter, trying to figure out if I should be imagining adult energies … or perhaps my masculine and feminine energies as a teen, or a child etc…

“Why don’t you work with present day energies,” Keith guides me after I express my confusion. “Don’t worry about how they present themselves, just put out the intention to connect.”

A Writing Nightmare

After Keith moves on to work with others, I get lost in a swamp of projection.

Oh, how I hate trying to write about things that simply cannot be written about without potentially creating more problems … but write I must, because this is deeply about my process.

As usual, Paul is involved in agonizingly triggering me – and this time I DO take the bait.

Suffice it to say that Paul is a well-intentioned and innocent little boy, but he is also a grown man with hormones, and I perceive him as being clueless as to how those hormones sometimes cross-the-line and subtly interfere in the way in which he engages some women in healing interactions.

I want to also add that I was raised in a very conservative religious environment, where issues of sexuality that may be perfectly innocent and normal for some people, continue to deeply trigger my profoundly entrenched conditioning. I am attempting to let go of the dysfunctional aspects of such conditioning – but in a healing environment, especially for me having been trained in counseling ethics, I have no room to tolerate what I perceive as sexually predatory behavior, no matter how innocently or unconsciously it may be performed by the one doing it.

I also want to add a very strong caveat here. I fully recognize everything that is taking place on the porch as my creation … as being a stage play to point out my inner dysfunctions and to help me heal them.

Refusal To Comply

I begin to feel deep judgmental disgust as I observe Paul do some energy work on one beautiful young woman’s feet before then placing her feet on his lap. For an extended period, Paul seems to be deriving great pleasure from sharing her energy, in a way that literally makes me want to both vomit and scream at the same time. I will spare the details.

I desperately wait for a moment to capture Keith’s attention. Finally, he glances my way and I attempt to use hand signals and mouthed-words to express my concern. Keith glances toward Paul and then continues what he was doing without taking any action. I do not know if Keith even notices my concern, or if perhaps he is simply guided to ignore it for now.

Then Paul proceeds to do five or ten minutes of lower abdominal massage on the woman, working vigorously with her lower chakra energies. Keith has repeatedly asked him not to touch anyone in these places – not because it is necessarily wrong to do so, but because you never know when you might be working on someone who has been sexually abused, and when touching them there might re-traumatize them.

Paul has repeatedly fought Keith’s rules about appropriate versus inappropriate touching, and today, he ignores Keith’s former guidance in what I perceive as a blatant refusal to comply – not just doing so once, but repeatedly on several people.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

I am triggered into deep anger – anger that I bottle up inside – anger at my perceptions of Paul’s distorted masculine energy manipulation of this woman (and others) – anger at how Paul is ignoring Keith’s repeated guidance in such behavior – and even stronger-but-repressed anger at Keith for doing nothing about it.

I am also increasingly angry at how Paul, on the porch today, is constantly interrupting Keith in the middle of other people’s processes, trying to insert his own expert guidance. The story I create in my own head is that Paul does not believe Keith is doing a good enough job, and that he feels obsessed with showing and telling Keith a better way to work with people. Keith simply smiles, lets Paul do his thing, and then returns to working as he was before.

I literally see Paul as believing that he is here to save the porch from Keith’s inadequacies. Paul’s behavior is driving me crazy. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

Painfully Projected Distortions

Meanwhile, I still cannot feel my own inner energies. The nausea in my abdomen seems to be painfully projecting my distorted inner reality outwardly, creating a stage play in front of me – a created reality that I find intolerable.

Finally, I feel so sick that I step into the bathroom, lock the door, and spend twenty minutes attempting to vomit the yucky energy out of my stomach. But I have no luck, no success in the purging department. What I am going through is not physical. As I kneel on that hard, cold, concrete floor, I just cry and cough.

Finally, I return to my seat and pull a blanket over my head … observing myself … listening … projecting.

I had perceived (and overheard) that while I was in the bathroom attempting to vomit, Paul had been crying on the porch. Regardless of why he may or may not be crying, I perceived his tears as fake vulnerability – as a perfectly timed attempt to take the attention away from my emotional struggles. But now that I am back on the porch, hiding under a blanket, he is all cheerful again.

“Why am I creating such a crazy and painful projection loop?” I ponder with fright.

Clockwork Disruptions

Finally, after Keith begins to do some deep inner work with me – just seconds after beginning a deep emotional release – Paul jumps up, grabs a large bottle of chocolate out of the kitchen, and creates a major disturbance while he runs around on the porch and pushes extra chocolate on people.

“It is just like clockwork.” I mention to Keith. “The moment I begin to go into my own deep inner work, he suddenly interrupts … as if he is doing it intentionally … on purpose.”

Keith disconnects from me during this disturbance and works with someone else. Finally, when the porch quiets down again, Keith returns back to work with me by guiding me deeper into the journey with my inner masculine and inner feminine energies.

“Sit with those energies in your conference room.” Keith takes me into a familiar meditative metaphor. “Your masculine energy is on your right. What does he look like?”

A Painful Image

“I don’t see the masculine energy as a visual,” I begin to explain to Keith, “but I sense a very strong representative image, and I really do not want to describe it out loud.”

With my fingers under a blanket, I then lift the corner of the blanket in such a way that only Keith and one other person can see that I am pointing at Paul.

I am projecting disgust all over Paul. Right now, he is my perfect projected model of what I hate about distorted masculine energy – what I hate about my own inner masculine energy. He is distracting, controlling, filled with ego, demanding attention, acting like the cool healer – yet not doing his own inner work, pretending to be vulnerable at what seem like very calculated times. Overall, I see my inner masculine energy (projected at Paul) as being a dense asshole jerk.

As if on cue, several times during deep emotional points of my attempted work with Keith, Paul blasts out loud spontaneous emotional sounds of his own – something he often does when he is accessing his own inner world.

An Unsolvable Dilemma

“I am literally living a nightmare.” I exclaim to Keith. “I KNOW I am projecting this distortion and creating it physically in my reality … I hate it … and I feel powerless to do anything about it.”

What I cannot express in group is that I am blaming Keith for allowing this external reality to continue … for seeming to encourage what is taking place … for seeming to take delight in making me a victim of it.

It is obvious that I am deeply embedded in my God/separation drama … deeply blaming God for all of my problems, not wanting to take responsibility for how I am feeling victimized by my own creations, and I am finding it increasingly obvious that I am projecting that God drama all over Keith.

I am literally at the bottom of that metaphorical wall of glass that Keith often uses as an example … standing in front of wall of glass five meters high … knowing that everything I want lies on the other side of that glass wall, but also knowing that I am powerless to climb the wall. It is an unsolvable dilemma.

The Divine Masculine

“You cannot do this yourself.” Keith responds when I express how stuck I am.

“But how?” I ask with desperation.

“You need to allow that divine masculine energy … the energy that you hate and are projecting all over … to come in and help you heal it.” Keith gives me an answer that I do not want to hear.

Keith works with me for at least twenty minutes, with Paul repeatedly interrupting and distracting during portions of that time. I want to do real work, I want to access my anger, but I feel incapable of doing much of anything with the object of my projections sitting noisily just a few feet away.

“Do I need to access this anger in order to throw off this distortion?” I beg Keith for answers.

Playing The Game

Keith quickly reminds me that I am deeply immersed in my God/separation drama, reminding me how a part of me believes that the only way to receive assistance from God is if I am so pathetically lost that God will feel sorry for me and finally step in to help.

“This is your game, Brenda.” Keith speaks bluntly. “It is the game you are playing with God … and playing with these energies … etc… It doesn’t change until you own the game and end the game … and that comes from ‘Know Thyself’.”

“But how do I access that anger to overthrow this game.” I beg for clarity. “It is a nightmare … I am tired of creating it … it is destroying my ability to enjoy life … it is horrible … I want it to stop but I can’t do it … and I don’t know how to use the anger in a positive way.”

“You bring in life force energy,” Keith responds, “starting at your root, in small drops, bringing it gradually as you can, all the way up through those blockages into your heart.”

I am so confused … I feel as if Keith is speaking Greek.

Stuck And Powerless

Keith quickly moves on to work with others.

I cannot feel anything. I cannot feel any energy. I want to scream and get angry … but the object of my projecting is only a few feet away and I have too much integrity to do that to him.

“It is not about Paul,” I remind myself. “It is not about what it appears to be about, and nothing changes until I do.”

“But I CANNOT do my work while he is sitting there,” I ponder in powerlessness. “I cannot speak about the intense emotions I am feeling while I am projecting so angrily onto Paul.”

I feel stuck, angry, hopeless, powerless, and numb. Finally, after thirty minutes of emptiness and unexpressed futility, I do something I have never before done at this point in a chocolate ceremony. I grab my stuff, put on my sandals, and start walking off the porch. As I am halfway down the garden steps, I turn and make eye contact with Keith, who glows kindly back at me.

“I don’t think I’ll be here to help bag chocolate tonight.” I tell Keith as small tears trickle down my cheeks. “Do you have time for a private session tomorrow?”

After we settle on an appointment at 9:00 a.m., I turn back down the steps and do not look back.

Isolated, Rebellious, And Angry

I feel sick about walking out of a ceremony … I have never walked out of a ceremony … but I simply cannot stay.

Being around Paul right now is triggering all of my hatred at distorted masculine energy – at the evil distorted energy I see as living inside of me. Trying to work on my inner issues right now would be like trying to work on the trauma of being an abuse victim, while my abuser sits in the chair next to me. I know it is not real, I know it is all a projected and beautifully orchestrated stage play … but I am so lost in the script that I cannot function.

I am home by 4:15 p.m., and finished scribbling notes shortly before 5:00 p.m. – I am angry, numb, stuck, clueless, exhausted, pissed, hopeless, powerless, disconnected, and you name it – whatever is dysfunctional in the world … I am that.

By 7:00 p.m., I am in bed – isolated, rebellious, angry, agitated, and emotionally charged.

Profoundly Projected Anger

For an hour and a half, I lie in bed rehearsing angry speeches – things I want to demand of Keith about why such horrible behavior on the porch has to stop. For the first time ever, I now clearly recognize that I am fully projecting my God/separation drama directly onto Keith.

A very unpleasant metaphorical analogy comes to mind … that of visualizing Paul as my abusive husband in a marriage that I was forced into by Keith (representing God). No matter how much I heal myself, Keith (God) demands that I have to stay in that abusive marriage, because my abuser is simply my creation … that I want him to abuse me … that he is serving me by abusing me.

Right now, I have lost all faith in the “I create my own reality” concept.

“I want Paul’s presence severely restricted.” I rehearse my imagined speech to Keith. “I don’t want him to have any healing privileges on the porch until he does his own work, cleans up his own act, and quits breaking all of the rules and disrupting everything. I do not want to be here if his behavior is permitted to go unchecked. It is just too miserable.”

My anger toward Keith is quite intense … but the observer in me (barely hanging on by a thread) understands that it is really anger at God.

An Angry Inner Tirade

At 8:30 p.m., I get back out of bed and continue my nonstop angry inner tirade.

“I can handle Paul treating me like shit,” I ponder angrily to myself, “but when he is a total dense jerk asshole with others, in a way that I perceive as being a predator of women, I cannot sit back and watch.”

“Enough already with the chicken bus,” I mumble in frustration, “Keith’s porch should make it possible for the fun bus … and Paul continually takes me right back to the nightmare bus.”

“He has no power over me,” I remind myself, “but I am sick and tired of him taking punches at me.”

“And I’m f-ing angry at God for permitting distorted masculine energies to dominate me … to dominate my life at every turn … to dominate the planet!”

Profound New Awareness

As I observe myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of angry victimization, profound and new realizations flood my awareness.

“I love my male and female energies inside.” I ponder with clarity. “They are beautiful and genuine, not being distorted at all. I have been seeing them as being distorted, but they are not … they are deeply loving … both of them.”

“And it is this crazy external reality that I am projecting outside that is making me angry enough to see the truth of what I am projecting inside …”

“Oh, I like that,” I ponder. “I am projecting this distorted dysfunction on both the inside and on the outside. My inner energies really are loving and pure.”

“It is time to go love myself.” I ponder this beautiful new awareness. “And it is time to ask my Higher Self, guides, angels, and Higher Energies to hold me and to love me.”

Bullshit Stories

As I sit on my daybed, unable to sleep, I begin browsing Facebook. Soon, I stumble upon a harshly worded thought – one of those catchy sayings that people share all over the place.

“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.”

At first glance, I simply ignore this little tidbit of advice – but something inside causes me to go back and reread it multiple times.

“I am creating Paul as one of those bullshit stories that keeps me from moving forward.” I ponder clearly.

Soon, I go back to bed, repeating versions of this mantra over and over for the next several hours.

“I don’t deserve divine love because of Paul.” I repeat the first absurd ego lie.

“I am not worthy of love because I feel angry … I don’t deserve love because I am projecting onto Keith … I don’t get love when I am a bitch and stand up for myself.”

I repeat such bullshit lies over and over. Their absurdity is almost humorous … yet I have been believing them.

“I AM worthy of divine teddy-bear love,” I begin to repeat positive stories, “no matter who I am, what I do, or how I feel … such divine love is my birthright. It is absolute bullshit that an inner part of me would tell me otherwise … that an inner part of me would tell me that I don’t get this love because I am a victim of distorted masculine energy … that such energy keeps me from deserving divine love.”

Running Rampant

I am finally able to drift off to broken sleep around 11:00 p.m. – but to my dismay, after perhaps three hours of sleep, I am wide awake at 2:00 a.m. on Thursday morning … and the angry stories have returned with a renewed vengeance.

Again, I clearly recognize that I am immersed in my God/separation drama … that my anger at Keith is really anger at God … but the emotions of self-righteous indignation and victimization are intense. I realize that I cannot simply suppress these emotions. They need to find a healthy release or they will be back yet another day – and I am quite tired of them.

So, rather than pushing the stories back down I indulge them, letting them run rampant in my head until they run their course. It is an exercise in “Know Myself.”

“I feel like I am a victim of God’s representatives throughout my whole life,” I ponder with increasing emotional clarity, “and the only options I have allowed myself to have were to either humble myself and to comply with their wishes, feeling victimized yet again … or to simply walk or run away, which also makes me feel victimized because I have to leave something behind that I otherwise love.”

“I have never had a right to be angry or to confront my oppressors.” I ponder deeper. “I have always believed that confrontation is extremely evil … definitely not loving.”

A Pontiff And A Priest

Since I am allowing my emotions to surface and run rampant – and since I am projecting my God/separation drama all over Keith, I allow a new crazy metaphor to take shape – allowing it to bring absurd clarity to what my ego is trying to show me. My apologies go to the Catholic Church for my using of this stereotyped metaphor – one for which that church receives countless criticism.

I begin to see Keith as being the Pope, with Paul as being his all-star Catholic priest – a blessed priest being given full reign in the local parish. Last, but not least, I am a young alter boy.

Paul is magical and gifted, but at the same time is an angry wounded child with an empowered adult ego. But no matter how much good Paul does in the congregation, he abuses me, and a few other alter boys, all in the name of God and the Pope. This subtle abusive manipulation far outweighs and cancels the good he might do in the parish.

In my present state of projection, I honestly do feel as if I am that young alter boy, being abused by a sanctioned healer while God simply looks on and tells me to deal with it.

Give Up On God

“What does one do in an abusive marriage?” I ponder my previous metaphor. “The answer is obvious … they disconnect, heal themselves, and then if their partner does not heal, they get divorced.”

I feel as if the only way to divorce Paul is to leave the porch … something that breaks my heart to even think about doing. Yet, I cannot take the perceived abuse any more, and I am losing all belief that anything will ever change, no matter how much healing I do inside myself.

“When do I disengage and walk away from this marriage?” I ponder the frightening question. “Is that time now? Will Paul ever change? Will Keith ever step in to intervene on my behalf?”

My God/Separation drama is raging, big time. I have no hope that God is going to help … and I am feeling as if the only solution is to give up on God, once again.

Keith-Sanctioned Crap

“I love my pure and genuine masculine and feminine selves.” I again begin to return to loving reality. “It is the distortions that I project onto each of them that devastate me. I am massively projecting these distortions both inward and outward.”

“What I am projecting onto nearly all masculine energy is what happened to me at the hands of distorted men, most of them religious, when I was a child, teenager, and even as an adult.” I ponder with clarity. “I am projecting the distortions that were modeled for me as God-sanctioned, culture-sanctioned, as a “boys-will-be-boys” cart blanche attitude that allows men to be jerks and tells women that they just have to submit and take it.

“Bullshit,” I again access the harsh language. “My inner male is beautiful, humble, genuine, loving, devoted, and magical … as is my inner feminine.”

“It is my God/separation drama that is really up.” I ponder ever more clearly. “I am angry at all of that God-sanctioned crap – crap that is now being beautifully modeled for me as Keith-sanctioned crap.”

Nightmares For Growth

Just before walking out to Keith’s porch for my 9:00 a.m. appointment, barely functioning on three hours sleep, I feel guided to pull another Tarot card. To my delight, I pull the “Tower” card, which to me represents the tearing down of all structures (physical, mental, emotional, etc) that no longer serve – that prevent me from moving deeper into a pure connection with divinity.

How perfect and appropriate for what I am going through!

One of the first things I do when I sit down with Keith is to confess to him how angry I am, and how strongly I am projecting my God drama all over him. We spend the first hour simply talking, building trust and understanding, discussing my awareness and the difference between my projections versus my concerns about real events that actually need to be dealt with.

“Brenda,” Keith reminds me, “You have repeatedly been shown that everything on the porch is part of your own created reality. You have written about this countless times in your blog.”

“You created this nightmare because you wanted it for your growth.” Keith gently reassures me.

My Personal Nightmare

“But isn’t there a ‘fun bus’ way to do this?” I beg Keith for guidance on how I might manifest things in an easier way.

“This is the way you created it.” Keith lovingly reassures me. “You need to deeply understand this nightmare … you will be working with many people who are deeply immersed in the middle of such nightmares and you have to have been there yourself in order to understand and help.”

“I don’t want to work with people in that state of nightmare projections.” I protest in panic. “I don’t think I can do it … I know I cannot do it in my current state.”

Keith goes on to remind me of how, when we near the end of an ego pattern, that we often manifest situations that seem to go “wham, wham, wham”, slamming us with painful scenarios to give us an opportunity to work through final issues, and to release all of the emotional charges surrounding ego patterns that are nearing completion. He also reminds me that if I re-escalate the emotional charges, that I will again manifest additional situations to help me find completion.

Reality Creation 101

Keith reassures me that he is aware of the issues, and is now preparing to begin making necessary changes, as guided, to ensure a proper therapeutic environment for all involved on the porch – but that I need not concern myself with that aspect.

He again emphasizes that the only thing I need to worry about is that I need to quit fighting the flow of my own creations on the porch – of my own projections – that I need to actually surrender to the emotions that are triggered rather than blaming them on someone else.

I am actually starting to believe again – to believe that Keith has been allowing these behaviors to go unchecked because I needed to experience the intense emotions and growth that would be triggered as a result. I needed to develop further trust that I am joint partners with Paul (and others) in creating this reality, and that the highest good is unfolding for all of us – including for Paul and everyone else on the porch.

I am finally starting to remember that there are no victims in this situation – that everyone jointly creates or allows everything that takes place in their interactions together, even if at a conscious level they fight the process as I have been doing.

“When these things are triggered,” Keith guides me, “You need to learn to stop projecting them onto Paul, and to instead recognize their true source. Then you need to allow the higher energies to assist you in moving them.”

Rational Mind Calming

“Do higher energies really do that?” I beg Keith to help me have more trust. “I continue to have so little experience in allowing higher energies to help me … so little trust that they actually will.”

To my delight, Keith continues to discuss issue after issue with me at a rational-mind level. I love the mental clarity that he shares with me. I love how he is just talking to me at a loving intellectual level.

“Keith, I am confused,” I giggle while begging for clarity. “When I want you to help me at a rational-mind level, you usually refuse, resisting my requests for such guidance. But today, I came here expecting you to guide me into meditations that would help me move through these painful projections, and here you are, remaining totally in the mind. What gives?”

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds, “today I feel guided that we need to remain at the rational mind level. You need the calming reassurance of such a discussion.”

I love it. I am learning a great deal, and the conversation is exactly what I need to calm my projections and panic.

A Co-Triggering Relationship

“You and Paul are in a deeply-agreed-upon spiritual relationship of co-triggering each other.” Keith confidently reassures me.

“You are playing out each others’ scripts … opposite ends of the same script … serving each other beautifully.” Keith continues. “You set this up as a profound way to address all of your issues … issues with distorted male energy, your God drama, and with things like sexual predators.”

“This is triggering the most painful core issues of your life … all at once … in a powerful way, as guided by your higher energies.” Keith goes on. “If you continue to fight it, to buy into the projections, they will keep coming and coming. If you do not buy it, as you were able to do on Sunday and a few other occasions, you will be able to cooperate with the process and release these patterns as part of the flow.”

“How is that done?” I beg Keith for more guidance.

“It is not done with the mind.” Keith teaches. “It comes from trusting the flow … ‘Knowing Thyself’ … not buying the triggers when they happen … still feeling the emotions when they are triggered, but finding their true source … using the light to partner in the process.”

Seeking Answers

I spend a little time sharing with Keith regarding my turbulent emotional journey of last night.

When I tell him how I reached a point of realizing that I deserve love no matter who I am or what I do. Keith quickly coaches me that there is an energetic charge attached to the word “deserve” – recommending that I instead recognize that pure divine unconditional love is abundantly available to all of us, all the time – that we just need to undo our blocks that prevent us from receiving it.

Next, I share with Keith how I finally realized last night that my inner masculine and feminine energies are already genuine, pure, healed, and loving.

“Are those energies really already healed … and am I just projecting my unhealed stuff both inward and outward?” I ask Keith to help me understand.

Keith responds that his guidance is that I have actually connected to my future feminine and masculine selves – those already healed energies of where I am headed – the energies that all of us can connect to when we need guidance on how to move forward.

“Believe me,” Keith glows as he speaks to me, “it is so powerful when you finally heal these two parts of yourself into a beautiful inner relationship.”

Powerful Incentive

When I again ask Keith “How do I get to the fun bus?”, he reassures me that everything that is happening is a perfect setup – created by me – manifested for the healing of all the crazy unhealed stuff still inside of me – that this is my version of the easy bus, which is much easier than playing it all out in the world as trauma and drama.

“You are doing it all at once,” Keith grins at me, “so that you can allow more of your magic to flow through you to others. You set it up this way … this is leading to the fun bus … but it is the way your energies created and manifested it. The more you fight it, the more your nightmare will prolong.”

Keith’s words give me a powerful incentive to process my triggers and to no longer push them down, or project them onto others – instead allowing myself to feel them, but to attribute them to their true origin.

Magical Energy Flow

After answering several more questions, Keith then guides me into a very simple but beautiful meditation – simply asking me to bring light into my hands and to share it with my belly.

Occasionally we chat about the experience I am having, but mostly, we spend the next hour and a half in peaceful silence.

As I observe the energy flow in my hands, I feel sensations and slight pains that migrate all over my belly. The little pains and prickles begin mostly on the left (feminine) side of my solar plexus, soon spreading to the lower second chakra as well. Eventually the mild prickly energies move to the center of my abdomen where they spread up into my heart region.

Peace and trust gradually consume me.

As I prepare to walk home, I glance at my watch and am shocked to discover that Keith and I have been working together for three and a half hours. I am so profoundly grateful for the amazing and guided way in which he has once again succeeded in helping me to regain a beautiful sense of trust, emotional stability, and magical energy flow.

Refusing To Run

Before leaving, I engage Keith in one final short conversation.

“Last night, I was feeling so pissed, powerless, and hopeless,” I share with Keith, “that I was more inclined than I have ever been to pack my suitcases and to run away from all of this. But now, I am so grateful that I stuck it out, once again.”

“You created a profound manifestation,” Keith gently reassures me. “You created someone who would simultaneously trigger your deepest core issues – but someone from whom you could not run, short of giving up your path completely.”

“Yeah,” I respond, “If I were anywhere else in the world, in any other situation, I would have no problem just walking away … but this is the one place I am committed to be … and it is the one place where Paul also refuses to leave. No other situation could have forced me to look inside so painfully and powerfully.”

Energetic Rewards

After treating myself, and my inner children, to a burger and fries, I am home in bed shortly after 2:00 p.m., taking a much-needed nap of over four hours. When I finally do climb back out of bed, beautiful energy is flowing throughout most of my body. I love how this vibrating peaceful energy surrounds me, reassuring me that all is well.

After watching a movie while gobbling down a dinner of hot buttered popcorn, I am again back in dreamland by 9:00 p.m., feeling utterly exhausted from two long days of emotional processing and sleep shortages.

Perfectly Painful Projections

These two days were among the most difficult days of my ongoing journey with emotional inner work. I had no idea that I could yet be triggered so deeply by the behavior of another human being.

Today, nearly six weeks after the fact – even though I am now on very beautiful and peaceful terms with Paul – I was again nearly overcome with anger and tears as I regressed into the agonizing emotional anguish of that painful Wednesday evening back on February 8, 2012.

While writing about that Wednesday evening, I literally collapsed into a puddle of jaw-shaking tears on my daybed. With angry emotions spewing out of my body, and tears streaming down my cheeks, I was quite unsure as to whether I would be able to continue the daunting task of writing. Whenever I write, I literally relive the emotional experiences that I am attempting to integrate and share.

Somehow, I found the strength to finish my writing … to move forward into that beautiful healing conversation that took place with Keith on that Thursday morning in February… and as I did, I gradually reintegrated that healing as well.

It is amazing how six additional weeks of processing can give me so much perspective over what happened so long ago in early February. Now, as I sit here typing these final words, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

I made it. I went through the painful projections once again … I healed and integrated many things today while doing so … and I can indeed see in retrospect how every aspect of that projected painful journey was profoundly perfect.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved