Sleep, restful sleep. After a four hour nap and a few hours for dinner and a movie, I am finally able to relax, sleeping for another ten-and-a-half hours. Having survived two agonizing days of minimal sleep and non-stop emotional processing, I am blissfully blessed with the peaceful rest that I need.
But on Friday morning, February 10, 2012, I slip right back into emotional journeying – not in the intense release category, but in the soul-searching pondering realm.
A Costumed Facade
Inner guidance takes me back to a morning of watching Abraham videos. As I ponder and meditate over the messages, I sink and regress into childhood emotions.
I experience a sense of profound powerlessness – feeling that I (as a child) am an alien in an alien world – a world where I am not understood and not allowed to be myself. This childhood regression takes me right to that ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t’ spot … if I am my true self, I am not understood or accepted. The only way to get the understanding and acceptance is to wear a mask, to be a fake self – but then I am still not understood, because what people are seeing is not really me.
Then I reflect back into my God/separation drama as I realize that it was the religious culture around me that coerced the people in my life to force me to present that fake costume – and that I literally saw my dilemma as being caused and endorsed by God.
Painful Dysfunctional Hooks
“I was an alien.” I ponder deeply. “I was powerless to be my true self … powerless to be genuinely loved. I know my parents loved me deeply, yet I felt as if that love was given to my fake self. A part of me absolutely knew that if my real self were exposed, all love would be withdrawn.”
A sense of anger surfaces in my soul – anger at the perceived injustice of my religious culture – anger at the energies of scrambled hypocrisy of those who distorted the unconditional love of the Universe into a conditional love used for controlling me, for molding me into who they wanted me to be, all in the name of God.
“I have distorted masculine energy deeply hooked as being equivalent to God, and to all who used God’s name to justify their distortions.” I ponder. “No wonder I have such an emotional trigger around anyone of the male persuasion who professes to be connected to Higher Energies, yet who simultaneously engages in distorted behaviors – no matter how innocent or blind their motives might be.”
The Venus Energy
In fact, as I ponder the first thirty years of my life, I realize that I was wearing a costumed façade whenever I was receiving love – that I was always putting my best foot forward – always pretending to be something I was not – always knowing that the love would not be there if my true self were known, if my magical and creative feminine sides were exposed to the light of day.
Even though I have since received considerable love as my true self, I continue to engage in these old dysfunctional patterns and projections – continuing to resist the very divine love that I crave.
Just prior to walking out toward Keith’s magical porch for a Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I pull another Tarot card. This time I pull “The Empress” card – one that represents the feminine creativity and sexuality – the healing of the Venus energy. I love this card – it represents these repressed inner feminine energies, many of which continue to be locked away in dark cages.
Love The Façade
As I embrace the glow meditation, I mostly focus on the energies in my lower chakras, attempting to send love and light to the still-dead and love-starved regions of my energy field. But as I do so, I note that my heart is not full – not radiating much light or love at all.
When Keith begins working with individuals, he turns to me first. I quickly explain my unfolding insights about why I have never been able to receive pure unconditional love – filling him in on my morning journey of meditative exploration.
“I was an unlovable alien,” I share my thoughts with Keith, “an alien whose external costume was loved – with conditions – but I never received love as the genuine me.”
“Stop right there, Brenda.” Keith interrupts. “I’m being guided to ask you to find love from the inside … and to send that love to that costumed façade self … send love to that part of you that put on the fake front.”
My Warrior Self
At first, this concept seems inconceivable and bizarre. I have always seen this part of me as a fake pretense – as a disgusting false self, a role that I hated, but had to play in order to survive in a world that would have otherwise rejected me.
“Brenda,” a friend who is deeply connected to my process interjects her beautiful advice, “think of that façade as your warrior self.”
“Wow,” I respond, “I like that. I have never thought of it that way. This façade-self actually saved my life. It kept me from being labeled as a misfit, from being committed to a psych ward or even having a lobotomy. Yes, it was my distorted masculine front, imitating the energy of my culture – but it was also the warrior side of me doing what I had to do to keep attention off of the genuine and then-vulnerable Brenda hiding underneath. That fake façade was not killing me, it was keeping me safe and out of sight from the persecutors who would kill me.”
“I love this warrior part of me – the part that did what it had to do to fit in so that I would be protected.” I thank my friend for the beautiful advice.
A Perceived Stage Play
Meanwhile, as Keith begins to work his way around the porch, I note with delight as Paul seems to have an entirely new persona in ceremony. I can only guess that Keith must have had a beautiful talk with him. Paul seems deeply interested in doing his own work, and requests feedback several times, on whether he is healing versus pushing etc…
As I watch Paul go into some of his own work, I am able to ignore all initial triggers, and instead begin to giggle silently. After Keith guides Paul to focus on a specific internal metaphor, Keith moves on to work with someone else. For the next half-hour I fight to hide my inner smile as I watch what I perceive as a recreated Muppet show as Paul unknowingly re-enacts my God drama in a very obvious (to me) and dramatic way.
In this humorously orchestrated stage play (this is my perception only) I observe as Kermit (being played by Paul) begins to act like a young boy frog who has no confidence whatsoever about how to proceed with his own work. Constantly, Kermit looks up, seeming to hope for some attention, and then closes his eyes in disappointment. He is wiggling and making loud yawning and sighing noises, wiggling some more, and making more dramatic noises. I have no idea what Kermit is actually doing, but in the stage play that I am perceiving, I see this as “me”, throughout much of my early life, unsuccessfully begging for the help and attention of God (played by Keith).
Lightly Laughing
The metaphor I see is profound. I see Kermit representing my young masculine side, showing me my history of being in denial while putting on a fake costume of perfection – showing me the fixer and rescuer parts of me that always got me in trouble – dramatically begging God (Keith) for attention … BUT feeling completely ignored by God.
As Keith moves on to work with others, Paul continues to burp and yawn very loudly. I am literally fighting back the unexpressed laughter – not laughter at Paul, but laughter at seeing the absurdity of “myself” shown to me in a mirror.
I also see this stage play as being me in my late twenties – a time when I begged God to cure me, to help me, to fix my horrible gender struggles.
When Keith eventually returns to work with me, I am lightly laughing at myself.
Inner Metaphors
After quickly explaining my inner journey, without making any outward reference to my perceived stage plays on the porch, I share with Keith new perceptions regarding my various inner energies.
“Great work on your new insights,” Keith congratulates me. “Now, start working with those inner masculine and feminine energies directly. Bring them into your inner conference room.”
As I begin to visualize these metaphorical parts of myself, I initially see both my masculine and feminine selves as real visuals, but then the image suddenly fades to no-longer-there cloudiness – as if a dark cloud is now making this meditative connecting impossible.
“This is good,” Keith surprises me with his reaction. “This cloudiness is part of your process.”
“What part of you is preventing you from seeing them, from working with them?” Keith queries.
“Ego.” I respond a few minutes later. “Ego is terrified that I will heal and is trying to prevent me from doing so.”
“Why doesn’t ego want you to heal?” Keith continues leading me.
“Because this part of me is terrified of having to be powerful,” I respond, “terrified of having no excuses and nothing to blame for my failures. It is afraid of healing and having to embrace the light.”
Living In The Heart
After Keith moves on, I continue working with these inner masculine and feminine energies. Finally, I realize that these energies are not in my heart, but are still stuffed in my solar plexus – with the masculine on the right and the feminine on the left. Each is near the other, but is in his or her own curtained-off room.
They seem to be terrified of being face-to-face in each other’s presence – like being around an old friendship that went painfully sour. In fact, each despises the other in a way that continues to feel as intense as a lifelong feud between hated enemies.
Following a hunch, I imagine that the curtain between them has a place where they can place their hand for the other to see. As the feminine energy places her hand under the curtain, the masculine attempts to touch it – but then I feel him recoil with terror, in deep unhealed fear. I had no idea that the masculine side of me remains so terrified of the feminine.
Both masculine and feminine just want to feel loved, to be understood, to be validated … both know this about the other … both know that we are one, part of the same being … but yet neither will speak to the other.
After continued meditation, however, I do reach a minor peace accord. Both agree to live in my heart (male on right, female on left), and both agree in their willingness to work directly with my heart.
Remembered Guidance
As I play with these metaphorical, but very real energies, I as the observer take on the role of being the waking-up empath that I am. I ask them to release what unhealed emotions they are able, releasing them to me. I then ask an imagined Higher Being in front of me to take the emotional densities and send them to their higher evolvement.
This process does not seem to be working so I further surrender and allow guidance to filter through me. Soon, I feel inspired to simply ask each energy to work directly with my heart, without my conscious participation – and to allow my heart to be their personal counselor and healer.
As I engage in this process, I recall guidance that Keith had given to me yesterday – guidance I had completely forgotten. As I sat in a long healing conversation in his garden, Keith had given me homework to connect with three energies inside of me – the perpetrator energy, the victim energy, and the rescuer energy – letting me know that finding each of these three elements inside of me is an important step in the healing that I am working on.
Perpetrators, Victims, And Rescuers
“Obviously,” I think to myself, “At one time or another in my life, both my masculine and feminine energies have powerfully perpetrated against each other. And right now, each of them continues to feel viciously victimized by the other. But just who is that evasive rescuer energy?”
It makes sense that my own beautiful and powerful heart is the rescuer, but I resist this association, because to me, in the world of psychology, the term “rescuer” has a deeply negative and dysfunctional connotation – and I do not wish to associate any dysfunctional or enabling role to my heart.
“Keith,” I ask for guidance during an appropriate pause, “I’m seeing my heart as this rescuer energy – but I’m confused by what I perceive as negative implications of this word. Can you please clarify?”
Keith quickly explains that he is using the word “rescuer” from a totally positive polarity – as meaning the energy inside of me that would, in a healthy way, give a hand-up to, and assist in healing the other wounded energies.
A Healing Heart
I have now identified all three energies – and it seems that both the masculine and feminine energies are somewhat willing to be assisted by my heart – in healing both their perpetrator and victimized aspects. In fact, at this point, I believe that my own heart is about the only source of healing that these energies might trust.
As I begin to meditate deeper into these energies, I start to feel pain on the right side of my heart chakra – on the masculine side.
“Heart, will you provide whatever loving and healing support is needed?” I ask my own heart before stepping aside, keeping my head out of the process.
As I sit and observe my feelings, I soon realize that my heart is not very energized right now – that it is in fact feeling quite drained and weak. Dropping everything else, I focus on bringing in light and love to my own heart. As I do so, I begin to feel myself open and ground beautifully in the energies. Once my energy is strongly balanced, I begin to feel unknown energetic sensations flowing inside my chest, moving back and forth between the masculine and feminine sides – two parts of me that still refuse to meet face to face.
Slow And Unsure
“Keith,” I soon interrupt my process, “I am feeling a deep intuitive desire to help work with Chris (a person seated by me – not his/her real name – keeping identity secret), but I don’t want to abandon my own process. Can you give me any suggestions on what to do?”
“Your masculine and feminine energies will be just fine, working on their own while you assist Chris.” Keith reassures me after checking his own guidance. “I think helping Chris would be very good for your process.”
I start out quite slow and unsure of myself, simply sharing energy and holding space while speaking the occasional comment that seems to come through me. Once in a while, I touch my fingers to the center of Chris’s heart chakra, or share energy with his/her throat or third-eye chakras. I move my hands lightly where I feel guided, and move on when intuitions seem to tell me to do so.
Finally, I synchronize breathing with my friend, and begin to make light ohm-ing sounds with my voice as Chris teeters on the edge of what feels to me like angry emotions. I have the feeling that this anger needs to be accessed and pushed out in a vocal way.
“Please, let me know anytime you want me to stop.” I ask my friend to be honest. I do not want to push.
Profound Release
After an extended period where Chris seems to just sit on the edge of the emotion, I feel guided to do something.
“Chris,” I confidently suggest while holding a hand in front of Chris’s belly, “just give me a few drops of this anger.”
As Chris does so, surrendering to the release, he/she explodes in deep tears. I am pleased to sense an energy surge in my hand as the release takes place. Chris cycles in and out, engaging in many strong waves of powerful emotional and verbal release. Finally, Keith comes over to join in, mostly just supporting what I am already doing.
As the process nears completion, both Keith and I guide Chris into asking for light and love to fill the empty spaces that were just cleared.
For much of the next hour, I simply sit and hold deep loving space for Chris. I love how faint energy sensations are occasionally starting to register in my hands … and how simply following intuitions – intuitions that feel somewhat silly – is bringing such profound results.
Baby Steps
“Brenda, you did amazing work today,” Keith congratulates me after the ceremony. “You are increasingly working with the light and making good progress with your inner masculine and feminine selves. It is really powerful when you heal these two aspects of yourself.”
“I’m just taking baby steps,” I giggle back to Keith, feeling deeply grateful for his encouragement.
“These are HUGE steps, not baby steps.” Keith responds with confidence.
After a delightful evening, sharing conversation with a friend while enjoying food at a nearby restaurant, I sleep like a baby, trusting that all is well. I congratulate myself, being quite proud for how I was not triggered by Paul, but instead used his beautiful behavior as a catalyst to launch me into a deeper journey with my inner masculine and feminine energies – and for how I was able build more self-trust by following intuitive guidance to assist in the profound release process of a friend.
Sparrow Reminders
Saturday, I resume my nightmare journey. But this time I am not experiencing it personally as triggers and projections, but am instead writing about what I then perceived as a nightmarish journey that began on the first Thursday of January, 2012.
As I am deeply immersed in the painful emotions of that difficult writing journey, my tiny sparrow friend comes to pay me a delightful visit – as if he is here to cheer me up – to remind me to not get too bogged down in my emotional writing – to remind me that it is time to fly … time to defy gravity.
I glance quickly at the time on my computer. It is 3:42 p.m. as my little friend begins to zoom around my kitchen. After flying around briefly from one door top to another, he then flutters his wings goodbye and disappears back out my patio door.
Late Saturday evening, when I finally hit the publish button, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I made it through part one.
A Radiating Heart
Sunday afternoon, February 12, I find myself right back in another beautiful chocolate ceremony – one attended by nearly twenty people. It is an unusually intense ceremony – one filled with profound and powerful emotional release that ignites very early in the glow meditation. There is so much suppressed emotion simultaneously exploding in several people all at once, that Keith could not possibly address it all by himself.
“Get busy and help others.” My heart lovingly-but-loudly directs. “You can do your own work later.”
I find myself feeling quite comfortable as I help one man access deep sadness and tears while he sinks into agonizing emotional release stemming from childhood pains. I glow with delight as I assist in similar processes with others. Fully recognizing that I am merely channeling energy and following the flow, my heart sings with joy and gratitude for the opportunity to assist in such a powerful and magical way.
As Keith himself moves around the porch, working with others, he takes a moment to acknowledge what I am doing, and to congratulate me for the energy I am in today. This makes me glow even more.
Fear Of Opening
A couple hours later, when things have considerably settled down, Keith begins to lay the verbal framework for an empath training.
“Am I going to cry during the second phase again?” I ask Keith.
I am hoping for insights and guidance about the fact that the more I begin to bring in trickles of divine unconditional love, the more terrified and emotional I seem to be getting during every empath training. Keith acknowledges my concern, and reminds me that I need to trust the flow of my process. It seems that a hidden part of me is increasingly frightened that the more I open up my empath awareness – the more I will uncontrollably consume and be overwhelmed by unbearable pain that I cannot handle.
As phase one of the training proceeds, I begin to experience the usual fear and agitation in my solar plexus as we each ask a Higher Being with whom we have worked since before this lifetime, to begin generating emotional density and sending it to us. The purpose of this first exercise is for empaths to gain further insight and understanding in how we have “eaten” the emotional densities of others throughout our lives. In my case, the most painful place where I store such outside emotions is in my abdomen.
I disengage from this initial first phase long before Keith tells the rest of the group that it is over. I am filled with so much pain and fear that I cannot handle any more, even if it is being done at the enlightened level, and can be disappeared at any moment.
Eating Times One-Hundred
During phase two, where our Higher Being friend generates ten times the emotional density that we have ever experienced, we are instructed to intend for the energy to still come into our body – but that it will run through us like a river and never touch us.
As I visualize this process, I feel a slight trickling energy flow running from my forehead down to my abdomen (this is all I will allow myself to feel). But rather than feeling like this density is moving through me and out, taking part of my own stuff with it, I instead feel as if the pain in my solar plexus is increasing.
During phase three, where one-hundred times the density is generated, but where it never even enters our body, I am surprised to feel the pains in my solar plexus gradually grow stronger still.
As this final phase ends, my abdomen is swollen, hard, and extremely painful. I feel like rather than running this density through me, I have eaten every bite, and it is causing painful indigestion.
“Keith,” I beg for assistance. “Is it possible that I brought all of this density inside of me and stuffed it in my abdomen, even though we were just learning and asking it not to come inside?”
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith responds after checking his guidance. “That is exactly what you did.”
Exactly Why
Keith surprises me by what he does next.
“I want everyone that just did the training to now connect with Brenda and assist her in letting go of what she just took in.” Keith makes a request to the whole porch.
As the process unfolds, I am stuck in my head. I feel as if some density is being released, but it is very slow, and a hidden part of me is still not allowing me to be very sensitive to the flow of energies. In fact, I intuitively know that a subconscious part of me is clinging to this new painful density, refusing to let go of it, somehow believing it is my duty to store it.
“This is exactly why I shut down my energy gifts in the first place,” I ponder while the group continues to assist me. “The part of me that refuses to open is terrified that I will bring in more of this stuck pain – terrified that I will be fried by it – terrified that I will be helpless to move it out of me. That is exactly why I am still shut down … and what I am doing right now is gradually building trust in the opening process.”
Lost In Doubt
I begin to cry lightly as the group continues to assist.
“Go into it, Brenda.” Keith encourages me to let the emotions come up.
I cry a little, but not extensively. Another part of me refuses to cry, insisting I have to be stronger and just allow the density to leave.
Doubts begin to consume me. I feel as if I am starting to make some progress, but I want feedback and reassurance of what I am doing. Keith gives such feedback to others all the time, but he is forcing me to find my own inner feedback. I want validation. I want feedback.
I am not yet aware of it, but it seems that I am sinking into a common ego loop – one where I get lost in my doubt.
Impatient And Pushing
Keith quickly moves on to work with someone else, while most of the group continues to work with me.
Soon, I feel an inner obsession with the blocked energy at the nail-in-my-heart spot. I know that this region is connected somehow to my inability to reconnect with my inner power flow. Finally, I begin to push the river as I imagine myself using my will to try to pull the energy from the Mother Earth, up through my lower chakras and into my heart.
But I soon get out of the way when I overhear Keith reminding someone else to simply intend and then allow. As I surrender, I begin to feel some energy flow rising up my spine on the back side of my abdomen, ending just below my heart.
But I am impatient. I want more flow. I am tired of this stubborn blockage. I begin using my hands to sweep the energy up on the outside of my body, trying to encourage and force it to flow, desperately trying to ‘fake it till I make it’ – to imagine an open energy channel flowing between my solar plexus and heart.
Later in the evening after Sunday’s defying gravity experience, I had clearly felt a solid flow of energy between my solar plexus and heart – a flow that lasted for perhaps an hour. I want it back, and I do not want to wait any longer. I want to force this … I want to make it happen now … I am tired of being blocked and shut down.
Vibrating For Power
Finally, I realize that I have been working with a metaphor of being “powerless” for nearly a year – and I also realize that accessing anger is a profound way to overthrow powerlessness – whatever its source.
But not wanting to simply scream and punch pillows, I begin to use my voice. I have learned that my ability to speak my truth was shut down at a very young age – and that when I make “ohming” or deep vibrational toning sounds with my throat, it often triggers that suppressed anger – anger at not having been able to fully express my self and my magic.
I begin to make vibrating ohm-like noises while attempting to make them at such a deep level that I can also feel the vibrations in my heart and solar plexus.
Gradually, as I do this, tears of emotion begin to flow. Those tears begin to pour out of me in increasing waves.
Waves Of Release
Soon, I notice that a small group of people have gathered closely around me to offer loving support – the same type of space-holding support I had given to several of them earlier. I continue to breathe deeply into my solar plexus, while sounding deep vibrating tones through my throat.
It does not take long before a few waves of sobs consume me, accompanied by a sensation that is now becoming quite common – one I have been calling dry heaves. It is hard to explain, but feels as if I am literally being involuntarily forced to go through a vomiting motion – but as I do so, only energy comes out. I often feel that energy actually leaving from various spots in my chest or abdomen when this happens.
I go through waves of this release, cycling between tears, sobs, coughs, and dry heaves – back and forth, up and down, with all of the empty spaces being filled with vibrational tones in my throat. I am trying to do this the easy way – trying to move energy through the powerful vibrations themselves.
Green Light Of Encouragement
“Take that sound deeper inside.” Keith suggests as he moves closer to participate in my process. “Access your inner masculine power.”
I am not sure what Keith means, and I am too into the emotion to stop for questions, so I simply lower my vocal tones more toward the masculine direction, attempting to feel the vibrations deeper in my body.
“Breathe, Brenda.” Keith reminds me several times when I am holding my breath.
I am trying to breathe slowly and consistently, doing so from the power center of my solar plexus … but when the release gets intense, I often find myself no longer breathing. I want this blockage out. I do not know how to do it. All I can think of is to allow the emotions to get stronger, to vibrate and tone louder – and based on how Keith is supporting me, I seem to have a green light of encouragement to do so.
Ousting With Anger
Soon, a beautiful young woman sits in front of me and takes my hands. I have given up on trying to do things myself, and I completely surrender to the love she offers, no longer resisting anything. Several others join in and begin to ohm and make vocal tones right along with me, supporting me with their power, making it easier for me to raise the power of my own vocal intensity without feeling so obvious.
“Get angry at this blockage.” Keith calls out to me.
I had been holding back because the ‘proper’ part of me is still trying to not scream and yell out the anger, but Keith’s words seem to unleash the floodgates of my resist-dance.
Suddenly, I allow myself to let out several curdling screams, followed by several very loudly yelled choice phases such as “F@ck you blockages!!!” … “Get the F@ck out of me!!!!” … “I hate you … I hate you … I hate you … Get out of me … I’m sick of you … I don’t want you anymore.”
Between these verbal expressions, I often collapse into more sobs and dry heaves. I am shocked by the intensity of my release. In the background, I hear several other people cutting loose with their own angry release and tearful sobs. But I do not stop to find out what is going on. Intuitively I know that whatever they are doing – that my work has given them permission to go into their own work – and I simply focus on what I need to do.
Puzzled, Confused, And Unsure
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the angry emotions dry up, the sobs and dry heaves turn to wet cheeks, and the piles of tissue stop growing. I continue to breathe deeply from my solar plexus, while still emitting vibrating tones through my throat, but I do not feel as if I am making any progress at all – I still feel as stuck as ever.
I have many people gathered around me, all of them very sensitive to the energies, and all of them attempting to help me at the same time.
“Grab the blockage with your hands and pull it out.” Keith guides me.
I repeatedly place my hands over various places, including the nail-in-my-heart spot, my solar plexus, and my second chakra – each time using all of the energetic will I can muster and imagining myself pulling the energy out of those tightly stuck places.
As I work on the center of my heart, one man who seems energetically connected to what I am doing says, “Yeah, now you’re getting it.”
“There is a block at the back of your heart chakra.” Another sensitive woman tells me. “Allow the love to help you with it.”
Paul then calls out with his own advice, about using my inner masculine power to assist.
“At Keith’s request,” another woman comes over and places her hand on my high-heart region.
“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “she is showing you where that masculine power is at.”
I’m hearing and accepting and attempting to do everything anyone suggests, not rejecting any of the help, but am becoming deeply puzzled, confused, and unsure about what I am doing.
“Congratulations for moving the energy on the back of your heart.” I overhear a woman whisper to me from behind.
Compassion, Understanding, And Wisdom
“Part of the blockage was successfully released, but there is more for another day.” Keith eventually reassures me after the powerful process quiets down.
“I want it all out now.” I respond, still feeling some anger at the blockage.
I try to push some more energy out of me. I do not want to wait. I hate this block. I am sick of it. I want to move it now.
“You have done enough for today.” Keith again lovingly reassures me. “It is best not to push.”
Even though I do not want to hear them, I feel the deep compassion, understanding, and wisdom in Keith’s loving words.
Inner Videos
“Brenda,” Keith soon guides me into meditation. “Close your eyes and connect to that blockage energy. What does it want from you?”
“It is terrified of opening too much too fast.” I respond to Keith while not being totally sure if I really trust what I am saying.
“This is a part of you that you put in charge of keeping you safe.” Keith again guides me. “Connect to it in that inner conference room and find out what it needs.”
“It needs time to build trust.” I respond, still tentative about whether I trust what I feel.
“Is that part of you willing to connect with your Higher Self and to watch one of those inner videos about the beautiful work you are all doing, and to consider taking on a new job?”
Keith is referring to a meditation he taught me late last spring – one where I invite resistant energies to gather in my inner conference room, after which I ask my Higher Self to show them a metaphorical video with details of all of the beautiful work that we have been doing together. Technically, the video could be very long, but in meditation, the process can be done in seconds, simply by expressing intent. It is a process that seems to be quite effective in building inner trust between various energetic aspects of myself.
“Yeah, I think so.” I respond to Keith’s former question.
A Scamming Job
“Work with that for a while,” Keith guides me.
A few minutes later, I tell Keith I am feeling a sharp pain in the back of my heart chakra, right along the spine.
“Connect with it.” Keith encourages me. “What does it want?”
“It is resistance to allowing in more love.” I respond from sheer metaphorical instinct. “It is terrified of going too fast … terrified that more love will fry us.”
“Wait,” I interrupt Keith before he speaks. “That doesn’t feel right. Am I scamming myself?”
“Yes,” Keith responds.
“This is ego, isn’t it?” I ask Keith for feedback.
“Yes,” Keith grins back at me, “but you don’t need me to tell you that.”
“Hmmm,” I think out loud. “Ego wants me to resist bringing in more love … imagine that … ego is afraid that love will cause him to lose his job of scamming me.”
Find It Inside
As I begin to focus on bringing in love, empowering my heart with this much-needed divine energy, Keith interrupts me.
“Look in her eyes,” Keith points to a woman to my left – the woman who is still holding my hands.
“That is what you need.” Keith tells me. “You will find it in her eyes.”
As I stare into the glowing soul of this beautiful young woman, I find pure unconditional love and compassion. Gradually, I begin to fill with beautiful energy as I stare into her eyes, as I imagine allowing a channel of divine love to flow through her and into me.
“Now Brenda,” Keith eventually interrupts, “close your eyes and find that same energy inside of yourself … inside of your own heart. Give it to yourself. That is what you need right now.”
As I follow Keith’s guidance, I soon find that same feeling of unconditional love radiating from visualized inner eyes – the eyes of my heart. I sit and bask in this beautiful energy, while focus on the porch drifts to others who are now deep in their own processes of emotional release.
Powerful Peaceful Vibrations
I sit alone in this beautiful energy for a very long time, slightly shocked and confused by what just happened – while at the same time knowing that I did powerful work.
Head chatter is buzzing all over, wanting to figure out what just happened – chatter telling me that I need to do more – that I need to DO something else. But my heart continues to glow, peacefully resonating a feeling of “JUST BE”.
After pleasurably basking in this stunned silence for a very long time, I eventually return to my familiar pillows by Keith’s kitchen door, deeply in my own process, completely disconnected from everything around me.
As Keith finishes working with one young woman who has been accessing her own deep painful tears, he asks her to use her power to come over and place her hand on my heart.
To my delight, she places her hand directly over that nail-in-my-heart spot – the same spot where I now sense a metaphorical screwdriver of fixing energy. As she works on me, I gradually feel beautiful energy flowing from her as it fills my entire heart, high-heart and throat chakras with powerful, peaceful vibrations.
Powerful Hearts
Soon, Keith tells the young woman that she needs to move this energy out of her as part of her own process – and that she can do this by sharing it with others as she is now doing with me, helping me through fun power – or she can move the energy through tears.
“Which way do you want to do it?” Keith asks the woman.
I intuitively know Keith is talking to me too – that sharing loving energy with others always helps me in my own process – yet I resist, because I continue to face the dilemma that when I am in such deep painful emotional states, I find it almost impossible to access my loving magical connections – the very higher-energy connections that could help me if I shared them more.
Eventually, the young woman removes her powerful hand from my heart, and I lean back against the wall, amazingly peaceful and relaxed.
“Wow,” she later tells me, “what a powerful heart you have. When I worked with you, I could feel your heart radiating all around me, powerfully surrounding me with profound love.”
“It was the touch of your amazing powerful love that helped me to reenergize my heart.” I respond back to her. “I am just your mirror.”
The Understanding Will Come
As I prepare to walk home at the conclusion of this amazing emotion-packed ceremony, I ask Keith if he can share with me any words that might help me figure out how to write about what happened today.
“You don’t need to understand.” Keith responds with a grin. “The head is the last to understand. That will come in time. Just go home and integrate.”
To top off a beautiful evening, I spend a couple of hours sharing desserts at a local restaurant while visiting with my dear friend Tina who is flying out tomorrow on the first leg of her trip home to India – the same friend who recently used my home to host a delightful dinner party.
I am going to miss her. She has been a fabulous neighbor.
Surviving Nightmares
Late Monday afternoon, as I work on Part two of “My Worst Nightmare”, my dear little sparrow friend returns at 4:06 p.m.. As he flies around my kitchen, landing here and there while searching for crumbs, I am again magically reminded not to let my difficult writing suck me back into past emotional nightmares – to remember to keep myself light – to fill with that healing light – and to allow myself to spread my wings and fly while I write.
Tuesday, Valentines Day, as I finish the third and final installment of that “My Worst Nightmare” series, no little sparrows are necessary on this celebrated day of magical love. My heart overflows with this love.
I survived those painful nightmares in early January, and I again survived the grueling process or writing about them.
And now, after riding a beautiful rollercoaster ride of ups and downs over the last five days, I have survived another mini-nightmare while courageously facing one of the deepest and most difficult emotional release processes I have ever experienced.
I can only trust Keith when he tells me that portions of that inner blockage did indeed leave me on that crazy Sunday before Valentines Day. But no trust is needed as I remember the profound power of the love that later filled me. What a perfect day to begin taking in even deeper new dimensions of divine love, further healing my heart, and learning to allow that heart (and the love it contains) to become my healer and teacher.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved