Brenda's Bicycles

As I attempt to write, fierce resistance tries to suck me back into newly exposed ego games. The part of me that wants to write knows these games for what they are – just a scared ego desperately attempting to hang onto a safe little sandbox created by childhood conditioning – desperately wanting to maintain control of my life as I thought it needed to be – desperately demanding that I will only play with Higher Energies on my terms.

These dysfunctional voices that try to pull me back into past pains are strong. Just a few minutes ago, as I meditatively asked my little inner children to carry those voices over to a metaphorical angelic garbage can in my subconscious mind, intense emotions erupted.

It is Monday, April 2, 2012, as I sit to write. Events in the past few days have taken me deep into new understandings about my God/separation drama – understandings that were facilitated by writing and integrating my last blog. Part of me can giggle and laugh with delight about the beautiful unfolding wisdom. Another part of me continues to kick and scream as it throws inner temper tantrums. It is an interesting journey to say the least.

I am half-tempted to skip out of time, to write about present day events, but my heart is now guiding me back in time – to a beautiful day in mid-February when I was also dealing with unfolding insights related to this God/separation drama. It is Friday, February 17, 2012.

Subconscious Relays

After a beautiful relaxed morning, I find myself in a very common spot – sitting cross-legged on a large red pillow, next to the kitchen door on the magical porch of a man that many call “The Chocolate Shaman”. Eighteen of us crowd this tiny covered patio area.

During the familiar “Glow Meditation”, I first focus on finding a big grin in my heart – but very soon I am back in a relay race with my little inner children, Sharon and Bobby, recreating the same imaginative subconscious play that I had done extensively in a private session with Keith, just yesterday.

I observe as Sharon rips a page out of a small rulebook – a book of rules that anchor me to a logical left-brained world. Then Bobby runs over to Higher Self and brings back a piece of my pushed-out magic. Next, my two tiny children switch places and repeat the process with Bobby ripping out the page.

Being almost oblivious to the world, I continue this imaginative relay in my subconscious until Keith taps me on the foot and asks me to participate in the process of another.

Deep Heart Sharing

Keith asks me to stare into the eyes of the young woman with whom he is working. She is a beautiful soul, deeply connected to the energies. For more than twenty minutes, the two of us stare into each other’s eyes with unbroken vulnerability on both sides. Throughout the process, Keith shares beautiful insights and guidance with this young woman.

In my role, I feel as if I am channeling Higher Energy through me and into her heart – while simultaneously receiving channeled love through her as well. I find this to be a beautiful glimpse into divine love on a very personal and vulnerable scale.

After a while, following inner guidance, I lock eyes with a young man across the porch and do the very same thing with him. I love the deep heart sharing.

A Frightened Two-Year-Old

Later, as he sets the stage to conduct a group empath training, Keith guides everyone to step it up a notch, to pull up the metaphorical floorboards and go deeper into their processes, another level down.

As I listen to Keith’s guidance I am already feeling a great deal of beautiful loving energy, but I also have some density in my abdomen that I have been simply observing with love and trust.

As I go deeper, I suddenly catch an intuitive visual of my two-year-old inner child, Sharon, hiding and crying behind a rock. I am not sure which aspect of Sharon that I am working with, but I get a strong feeling that this aspect of Sharon is in the process of being shut down, and that she is frightened, terrified, and scared of what is happening to her.

While I am not actually seeing an image, the intuitive picture is unusually vivid in my mind.

Please Show Me

As Keith progresses with the training, I feel much more trust in my imagination, and decide to “fake it till I make it” as I practice being an empath – asking little Sharon to participate with me. As I continue, I have the distinct impression that it is a magical and healed aspect of Sharon that is now working with me, holding space for me, showing me that we can do this.

I feel a little physical pressure on my throat and collarbone during the first phase where we repeat patterns of actually “eating” the emotional density and stuffing it away in our body. I find this experience to be as traumatic as ever when my abdomen begins to fill with density. I cannot wait for this exercise to end.

During the second stage, where we practice one way of moving emotional density from a positive polarity – letting the density move through us without touching us – I again feel the usual panic as I ask my little girl to run the density through me, to show me how it is done. As I do this, I again feel deeply connected to that little two-year-old hiding behind the rock – hiding from her magic – terrified to do this exercise.

“Please,” I ask Sharon with love, “show me how to do this. You do know how, and you know that this is safe because we are working in partnership with a Higher Being.”

While I do not feel a lot of energy movement in a physical way, I do experience very nice energy in my upper chakras while sensing mildly increased physical churning and pulsing in my abdomen.

Real Imagined Magic

During the third phase, I again remain quite blocked as far as energy sensitivity goes, but am delighted by visual metaphors that suddenly grace me.

Memories of a very vivid lucid dream flood my awareness – a dream that took place during my Sun Course at Las Piramides Del Ka during the summer of 2010. It was a dream in which I encountered a daughter-in-law at a town across Lake Atitlan – a dream in which strange events caused me to realize that I was dreaming – but I managed to remain in the dream while becoming fully conscious and aware. In that dream, my daughter-in-law had used a slingshot to launch a large shipping container into the air, sending it across the lake to deliver merchandise to other villages. Realizing it was a dream, I had playfully used my magical abilities to cause the container to explode – and then, as the contents fell into the lake, I had used my “will” to cause them to all rise back up into the container as I sent it back on its way. Needless to say, my daughter-in-law had been shocked by what I did.

“Sharon,” I giggle during this stage of the empath training, “why don’t we do the same thing, being lucid and wide awake in our imagination?”

For the next ten minutes, Sharon and I silently giggle as we imagine the emotional density that is coming toward us. Using our magic, we send that density out across the lake. When it is far enough away, we cause it to explode into a column of light that goes both up and down – up to the angels and down to the lake/Mother earth. This is actually quite fun, and for the first time during an empath training, I am really beginning to believe it is happening.

It is real magic, done with the imagination and heart connection. I am filled with a sense of confident knowing that it is actually happening. I cannot justify this with my logical mind, but I know it. At least for now, I feel a new sense of trust – trusting the perceptions that I cannot justify with logic – perceptions that were invalidated when I was young.

After the training is complete, while the group practices assisting two different women, I spend another half hour engaged in this delightful and magical visualization.

Childhood Innocence, Childhood Shame

Soon, I begin to observe a beautiful and innocent little girl across the porch. This young girl, brought by her mother, is about the same age that I am visualizing Sharon – right around two years old.

As I observe this young girl’s activity on the porch I begin to imagine myself as tiny little Bobby, just reaching the age of being able to talk, taking baths with my older sister in our family bathtub. At this stage, I am beginning to notice body parts, and I intuitively feel myself innocently questioning my mother as to why I am different from my sister, curiously asking what is wrong with me.

While I have no physical memory of such an incident, the intuitive visualization is very strong, and I deeply feel the painful emotions as my mother explains that I am a little boy, not a little girl. I feel shameful for having asked the question – as if I took on the emotions of my mothers panic and concerns for my having asked. I feel the confusion about my body – I already don’t like what I am being told – but I realize at a very young age that this is something that will get me in trouble if I talk about it – that I just need to accept it.

I am so alone, so curious, with no answers. As I ponder this scene, and other scenes from actual early memories at around age six or seven, I find myself feeling, in an unattached way, the guilt, shame, self-hatred, and self-loathing. I now recall clear and emotional memories, from as early as age six, of being deeply curious, wishing I did not have to be a boy.

I continue to observe this beautiful little two-year-old girl, using her as a focal point for helping me access my own playful innocence at such a tender age – for exploring the emotions that surface in waves as I feel myself longing to be in her little-girl body.

Gender Journeying

As I dig deeply, I can find no memory of ever liking my male appendage. I always felt somewhat shameful for having that weird thing between my legs, wondering what it was for – feeling an inexpressible and obsessive curiosity about girls and what it would be like to be able to be one. I believed myself to be a shameful pervert for having such feelings – desperately trying to suppress such curiosity – not then understanding that my feelings were actually a genuine longing of true self-expression.

After about fifteen minutes of losing myself in observing and feeling the pure innocence of this beautiful little girl, of wishing that I was her, Keith glances in my direction with a glowing look of recognition in his eyes. As I momentarily lock eyes with Keith, I am quite filled and overflowing with the awareness that the agitation that is right now boiling in my solar plexus is sexual and body self-hatred of having grown up with a male body. I know that these are real childhood emotions flowing through me – real buried painful feelings – not fabricated adult thinking.

“I would say it is more self-loathing.” Keith responds after I fill him in, in a generic way, regarding my unexpected meditative journey.

Utilizing Anger

“Brenda,” Keith guides me. “Imagine how an empathic child would feel, when any innocent comments to mommy were verbally resisted and corrected with strong emotional energies of shame and desperation to correct a deviant little child.”

The answer is so obvious. I would easily detect by her words and emotions that something was wrong with me, that what I had talked about was shameful, forbidden, evil, dirty, and something that could not be discussed. Of course, I would be filled with self-loathing.

As this meditation continues, I am starting to feel exceedingly angry. I want to push this self-loathing, shame, guilt, and self-hatred out of me.

“What is the proper way to utilize this anger?” I again beg Keith for guidance.

“Access that anger to give you an inner power to activate your life force to flow through you.” Keith responds. “As you do this, whatever is ready to move will move.”

Energetic Movements

My heart chakra remains filled with loving energy throughout this process, but as I meditate deeper, attempting to use my anger to initiate the flow of life force, I feel several sharp pains, one at the exact center of my third-eye chakra, and several in the base of my lower abdomen, on both sides.

“Should I try to pull this energy out by its roots?” I ask a question based on a few past experiences regarding second chakra energy.

“Not yet,” Keith guides me. “Let the process develop more before you do anything like that.”

I focus on bringing in love, simply surrendering to the divine love, asking it to show me what it would do – simply inviting and allowing. I also ask the light to show me what, if anything, it would do with my third-eye pains.

As I do this, I feel the pains soften, and intuitively know that something is flowing. The top of my head begins to tingle as I feel unfamiliar energy movements in that area. Soon, I experience the sensation of energy moving down a narrow channel in the front of my body, starting at the crown, and stopping somewhere in the upper solar plexus region. I feel very pleasant vibrations in all of my chakras.

Give It Back

“Keith,” I soon express new insights, “I am getting that these pains in my lower abdomen are not densities at all … that they are resistance to allowing my love and life force to flow in this region. I am so shut down that the resistance hurts. I have hated this sexuality part of me. I loathed it, not allowing any loving energy down there.”

“Good, Brenda.” Keith congratulates my awareness.

“I’m just allowing with no attachment,” I continue rambling, “trying to relax and trust that what needs to happen will happen … nothing more nothing less.”

Soon, a young woman interrupts the discussion to talk about rape issues, and about how she has taken on her mother’s rape victim energy as well.

“Give that energy back to your mother and others,” Keith guides this young woman. “It is theirs to deal with, not yours. By keeping it in you, it is being held away from them so that they cannot process and release it. You might release it together with her Higher Essence, or she may need to do it by herself.”

“Can I do this too?” I jump in as the conversation inspires my process. “I’m getting that my shame and self-loathing over sexuality need to go back to those who gave it to me.”

“Yes, Brenda,” Keith responds, “but it is not just your mother.”

“Yeah,” I quickly add, “I get that it was also my father, family, and all of my religious culture combined.”

A Disintegrating Rock

I feel myself just going through the motions as I engage in this process, starting out by simply faking it till I make it, just trusting, watching, and learning.

Soon, with my third eye chakra hurting sharply once again, a new intuition pops vividly into my mind.

“Keith,” I express with mild giggles, “the rock that my two-year-old Sharon was hiding behind is the block to my magic – a metaphorical rock that is plugging up my third-eye chakra.”

“Ask the light to show you what it would do.” Keith guides.

Soon, after expressing my intent and feeling no attachment, I intuitively sense that the rock is glowing brightly. Over time, it gradually begins to come apart, disintegrating and crumbling.

“Good, Brenda,” Keith congratulates me. “You are now in a space of trusting the flow, not judging yourself for what does or does not happen … very nice … you have come a long way from where you used to be.”

Progressing Perfectly

This mediation is a beautiful one – one of non-attachment, simply trusting that divine love will do all the work, and that I just need to cooperate as guided, and trust when I am waiting for more guidance.

Several times, something inside reminds me that I am trying to “do” something. Each time I catch myself, I again relax, surrender, and invite more divine loving energy into my heart. Every time I relax and surrender, I feel more energy movement. My third eye feels more relaxed and my abdomen, while still prickly with tiny pains, begins to move with more lightness and relaxation. Intuitively I know that things are progressing perfectly, and feel no judgment regarding what should or should not be happening with my process. I am being given a beautiful lesson in trusting the flow.

Something Magical

In the midst of this beautiful process, I am overwhelmed by the heat flowing through my body.

“Is it suddenly hotter here on the porch, or is this MY energy?” I ask Keith with a feeling of confused shock.

“Brenda,” Keith smiles back at me, “you are flowing so much life force right now that it is getting very hot.”

I am literally sweating from all of the energy. I take off my scarf and dry my underarms while flapping my shirt attempting to get some airflow on my sweat-dripping body. This intense energetic heat goes on for more than a half hour.

In this midst of this profound flow, I visualize my inner children using the inside of my belly as one of those blow-up playgrounds, imagining them jumping and bouncing off the cushioned walls. This seems to mix things up even more, allowing a little joy into the process. I want to giggle – and I do smile a little – but I sill cannot allow myself to belly laugh. Eventually, I get the strange sensation that Bobby and Sharon are using my bladder for a trampoline, and make a silly joke about that fact as I get up for a quick comfort break.

It is fun to feel a little humor. I am feeling much lighter, and energies are definitely flowing, but my rational mind has no idea what or why – only that something very magical is happening.

Gleefully Glowing

“Congratulations on some beautiful work today.” Keith shares near the end of ceremony. “I think you have probably done enough for today.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I giggle back, “except for bringing in love and observing. This is not work. It is perfect.”

As I am about to leave, three new people show up with a desire to drink chocolate, so I opt to remain for a while to hold space. Soon, Keith guides them in a “Glow Meditation”.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts, “I’m being guided to tell you that if you pay attention, you will understand more about why you don’t glow like you want to.”

“Am I not doing it fully?” I question with surprise. “I thought I WAS bringing in Higher Energies and glowing.”

“Just pay attention and listen and observe.” Keith counsels.

“I’ve never fully glowed before,” I answer as the insights flow, “because I’ve never fully allowed Higher Energies to come in. The more I allow, the more I feel real self-love and divine energies flowing.”

At least for now, I am very much out of my head and into Higher Energies – plus I am trusting my imagination. As I surrender ever deeper, I feel even more energy vibrating in my crown, a mild peaceful presence on my forehead, and very nice energy in my throat and heart. My abdomen continues to agitate with mild pains, but it is pleasant at the same time. I can tell that things are happening, churning, and dissolving into pieces as the vibrations continue.

It is probably the best “Glow Meditation” I have ever had.

Penetrating Noisy Nuisance

Saturday, after a delightful day of writing about magical mutants, I treat my inner children to a burger and fries before finishing my blog and retiring for some much-needed sleep.

But it seems I am facing a new challenge. I have lovingly learned to handle almost any type of noise in San Marcos (and they are at times extremely loud) – any type except noisy rude neighbors, that is. There is a small studio apartment adjacent to my living room wall. The walls are thick concrete, but there are cracks near the wooden ceiling, with no insulation of any type. Any talking at slightly louder-than-normal volume seems to echo through the ceiling, between rooms, as if we were occupying the same space.

As several people loudly party and drink next door, they loose all inhibition – laughing, playing loud music, and talking as if they are yelling across a noisy nightclub. The whole experience has me remembering a repeating pattern – that of family camping trips – and of many times in Mexico and Belize when I was overwhelmed by the noises of loud partying people.

“I wonder what the lesson for me is?” I ponder as I struggle to accept and ignore this penetrating noisy nuisance.

Even at 1:30 a.m. on Sunday morning, the noise is continuing so loudly that earplugs give me very little relief. Eventually, I manage to doze off a tiny bit. But agitated energy flows through my body – so much so, that the rest I do get is very broken and restless.

Further Out Of the Box

Sunday morning, I am exhausted as I crawl out of bed shortly after 6:00 a.m. – the energy in my body remains so agitated that attempts at further sleep seem futile. I focus on meditating, attempting to find non-attachment to the idea of neighborly noise. I realize that noisy neighbors have always triggered a sense of self-righteous anger in me – a feeling of “how dare they be so rude and do this to me”.

As I ponder, I know that I need to let go of emotional attachment – to release the sensation of being personally attacked by their rudeness. Based on the language being spoken, I know that they are from a Spanish-speaking country. I know from extensive experience, that in the Latin-American cultures I have visited, noise seems to be a normal part of everyday living – that people make whatever noise they want to make – that others simply ignore it as being normal, make their own noise, and get on with their lives.

“I’ll just quit being angry and instead make my own noise – but doing so without any negative or revengeful intent.” I resolve to try a new experiment – an experiment to push me further out of the box of my own cultural conditioning.

Embracing Noise Patterns

At first I am quite quiet … but as I notice the noise levels again beginning to heighten next door, I stop being careful about my own noise.

“I can’t be noisy,” I temporarily fight myself, “it is being extremely rude if I am noisy.”

Soon, however, I turn on some music, to normal volume, just loud enough to mask the noises next door. Then, a little later, I watch a movie on my computer, without earplugs – nothing blaringly loud, but at normal volume. I note that when I get noisy, they quiet down a little, and I respond by doing the same, turning my volume down to match theirs. I sense that they are realizing how thin the walls actually are, and are trying to compensate and be polite. I feel a sense of appreciation for their perceived behavior.

I find myself feeling extremely uncomfortable, beating myself up at how rude I am being – but every time I check in with my motives, I realize that I am not being rude or vindictive, but am simply stepping further out of my own cultural box, embracing the noise patterns of my neighbors.

What I Need

“How are you doing today?” Keith asks when I step into his kitchen before the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony.

“Exhausted,” I respond, quickly filling him in on my nighttime saga.

“Last night was part of your process.” Keith smiles at me, reassuring me that all is well.

I already know he is right. I am totally learning that everything in my life, on or off Keith’s magical porch, seems to synchronously line up as part of a perfectly created reality – always giving me exactly what I need next, whether I want it or not.

Group Observations

As the ceremony progresses, I observe with detachment as Paul runs around doing lots of energy work on others. I perceive his behavior as extremely hyperactive, as seeking to catch people even before they go into emotional release, heading them off by helping them flow tears and move energy long before the need is obvious to me. It seems that every time I watch him, something inside me is deeply triggered, reminding me of how much I hate what I perceive as fixing.

But I do not know if Paul is fixing or not. I do not even care or judge Paul’s behavior. I trust that if something needs to be said, that Keith will intervene. Instead, I simply observe Paul’s behavior, noting that what I see continues to cause me to painfully look within at my own dysfunctions.

Meanwhile, I see Paul’s behavior as such overkill, that I respond by doing nothing except sit still, filling my heart with love while imagining myself holding a powerful energy space for the group as a whole – energetically connecting to each person, while simultaneously observing the pains in my solar plexus.

I note that I feel some loving power in my heart – but it is weak, nowhere near full strength.

Giving is Receiving

Soon, I watch as a woman feels guided to do some energy work on a man seated near to me. As she soon begins to sob, I intuitively know that she is taking in painful emotions from this man, bringing them inside of her.

“Disconnect from him,” I lean over and whisper. “You are taking his pain into you. Now release all of the energy that you took in and give it to me.”

For about ten minutes, I hold her hand and lightly touch her heart and high heart areas, occasionally touching her forehead. I am still not very sensitive to the actual flow of energies, but intuitively, I know that I am acting as an empath, and that she is letting me handle those painful densities for her.

“Now bring in the light.” I guide her when I sense that she is done releasing.

Soon she is giggling with joy … and working with her has also filled me with new loving energy.

Energetic Metaphors

When things settle, I again focus on holding a powerful group space. I feel no motivation to run around the porch, as Paul does, unless something guides me inside to do so.

Late in the ceremony, Keith is guided to conduct another empath training for those in the group who tend to sponge the emotions of others and take them inside of themselves. As has been happening nearly every ceremony, the training today triggers an increasing level of inner fear and energetic agitation. Something inside is terrified to open this up.

During the training, I feel a very sharp pain at the “nail-in-my-heart” spot … but I also note that the location seems to be an inch or two higher than I remember it.

“This pain is resistance to bringing in higher energies to my heart.” I share my intuitions with Keith at an appropriate moment. “And I am realizing that this spot is slightly moving around from one ceremony to the next. Right now it is higher than usual.”

“That is to let you know that it is energetic and not physical.” Keith coaches me.

Phase three of the training leaves me whimpering as I sense the crazy fearful emotions that are running around inside of me. For the next half hour, I sit holding my heart, lightly crying as I allow these fears and pains to flow without judgment.

A Loving Gesture

“OK, is there anyone else that needs help?” Keith asks as the ceremony nears completion.

I am still whimpering quietly, holding my heart, desperately wanting assistance. But I am also somewhat lost in my God/separation drama, feeling as if Keith is ignoring me today – believing that my need is obvious and that I should not have to ask – believing that if I do ask that Keith will not really help me anyway – believing that he will make me find my own answer, and I do not feel capable of doing that right now.

It will be weeks before I fully understand the nature of these games that I am playing with Higher Energies, and that I am projecting onto Keith.

“I think Brenda is ready for something,” Paul speaks up.

I am blown away by Paul’s loving gesture.

An Energetic Oven

“I feel like something is ready to open further.” I share with Keith when he then turns to me. “But I am dealing with lots of pains and feeling emotions of terror. Can you help me or guide me?”

Without answering my question, Keith turns and talks to a man across the porch.

“Come over here and feel this.” Keith guides the man to place his hands above my crown chakra, just an inch or two above my head.

As I continue to sit in my terror and pains, I notice that the man acts totally amazed.

“Wow, I can feel a lot of warm energy flowing through her crown.” The man tells Keith.

I almost feel as if Keith is teasing me when he continues to ignore my situation, and instead calls multiple people over, one after the other, asking them to each take turns feeling the powerful heat coming out of my crown.

As this scene unfolds, I notice that I too am feeling extremely hot, just as I was on Friday. The intense heat forces me to remove my sweatshirt. I am sweating profusely. Meanwhile, the pains in my nail-in-my-heart spot and solar plexus are rapidly intensifying as my terror and emotional discomfort grow ever stronger.

Only one out of about five people tells Keith that he cannot feel the heat coming out of my crown.

“That was to show you that this heat is energetic and not real physical heat.” Keith later tells me in response to that person’s insensitivity to the energy.

A Powerful Flow

Keith asks Paul to read a short paragraph regarding the significance of the seventh chakra (crown chakra) – talking about its powerful connection with spirituality. I feel quite annoyed by this and express that this feels mental and I do not relate to it.

“I don’t want rational-mind descriptions right now,” I beg Keith for his focus, “I want help with my pains and terror.”

“We’re not making fun of you, Brenda.” Keith reassures me. “We’re just pointing out the powerful flow of energy you are bringing through you right now … and this comes from someone who says they cannot bring in the light … this is powerful stuff.”

“Yeah, I can feel the intensity of the heat,” I respond, “but I am still so shut down that I would never have recognized it as a flow of energy.”

Finally, I take everyone seriously, and realize that this is real, that I am indeed running a lot of light energy through me. When I surrender and focus, even with blocked sensitivities, I can indeed feel some energy. I mildly perceive it as a narrow channel of energy flowing down the front of my body, starting at the top of my head, flowing to the bottom of my rib cage, skipping my solar plexus, and then vibrating lightly in the bottom of my abdomen. And my third-eye chakra is tingling as if it is trying to open a little more.

Bring Vs. Allow

Meanwhile, I have continued to whimper lightly throughout this conversation, and Keith has asked three or four young women to sit in a semi-circle in front of me, holding space while I process this emotion.

As I begin to increase awareness of this flow of energy, and as the pains in my “nail-in-my-heart” spot sharply intensify, I begin to involuntarily dry-heave and cough, along with intensified tears. I feel as if my body is attempting to force these heart-chakra pains out through my throat – and I literally feel some of the pain flow out of that sharply aching spot as I do so.

“Brenda,” Keith interrupts lovingly. “The way to move this density, fear, and pain, is to allow the light to do it for you … relax … allow … quit trying to do it yourself. You set this whole situation up to give you a powerful example of the power of allowing.”

“Hold out your hands.” Keith guides me into a familiar metaphor. “In your right hand, hold the concept of ‘bring in the light to help you’ … and in your left hand put the concept of ‘allow’. Sit with them both for a minute and tell me how you feel the subtle difference in the energies of these two hands.”

“The ‘bring in the light’ feels like work,” I respond, “and the ‘allow’ feels like simply trusting the flow, watching, and observing. I want to allow.”

Peaceful Surrender

As I surrender all effort, I sit back on my pillow, relax my muscles, and simply allow. Gradually, I begin to feel an increase in the flow of energy down the front channel that I felt earlier. One by one, the sharp pains subside and disappear, being replaced by calm, relaxing, peaceful vibrations.

And the emotions have vanished too – there are no more signs of that terror and fear that had inexplicably gripped me so strongly.

I sit and bask in this beautiful space until the very end of the ceremony, which lasts for at least another half hour or so.

Ceremonial Wrap-Up

It has been a beautiful ceremony today. I have observed behavior (Paul’s) that would have once triggered me deeply – but I have somehow managed to once again simply ignore it, having no noticeable emotional charge.

And wow, did I ever bring in a lot of energy. As confused as my rational-mind continues to be, I know that my upper chakras are gradually opening more every ceremony – and there is definitely a softening happening in the lower three as well.

The energy I feel is so peaceful that I simply sit on my pillow as people begin to filter out of the ceremony. I feel as if I did not do much other than to focus on my own process, but several people stop to hug me, expressing gratitude for my contribution. One young woman even mentions that she felt as if we were doing the same work together.

I love such feedback. I love knowing that even when I am mostly just doing my own work, that others can share in the energy and find their own wave to ride.

Rehearsed Courage

As the porch mostly clears, I briefly chat with Keith, summarizing my lifelong history with emotional reactions to noisy neighbors.

“Can you give me some advice about how to handle my triggers and emotions regarding noisy neighbors?” I ask Keith for guidance. “I am tired of repeatedly creating a reality where noisy neighbors disturb my peace. How can I respond in a positive way where I can release all of the energetic charges that keep causing me to manifest a repeat of this lesson?”

“Last night was part of your process,” Keith again confirms. “But perhaps another important part of this lesson might be for you to find the courage to express your feelings in a positive way.”

Keith then suggests walking next door, introducing myself, and mentioning something like “You may not know it, because I am a very quiet person, but these walls are paper thin, and I hear everything next door as if it was in my own room.”

“I wanted to do that last night,” I share with Keith. “But there were a couple of really loud men over their, they were drinking, and I did not feel it would be particularly smart for me to talk to them at that time.”

As I walk home, I repeatedly rehearse a loving neighborly speech. I am delighted to discover that no speech is necessary. The neighbors have cleared out, having only spent one night.

Quite Hot

It has been a powerful three days – filled with increasing clarity and insights regarding the use of imagination as a powerful tool in working with magic and the subconscious mind.

On Friday, that imagination connected me with profound insights regarding the emotions of my own inner children – of two different aspects of my two-year-old self – giving me strong intuitive glimpses into the frightening journey of a young child engulfed in the shutdown of magic and sexuality. That same imagination allowed me to heal portions of that magic, using it to access the metaphors of a lucid dream, and using those metaphors to have a very real experience in moving energy.

And the unexpected dessert for that magic was an amazing flow of energy that made me feel so much heat in my body that I could barely tolerate it.

On Saturday, that imagination allowed me to have a great deal of fun connecting to the metaphors as I wrote “A Marvelous Magical Mutant Adventure”.

And On Sunday, that same tool took me deep into the pain and terror of a young child attempting to reopen the magic – taking me on a beautiful adventure of peaceful surrender and allowing – an adventure that once again ended with an amazing flow of magical heat-producing energy throughout my body.

If I say so myself, I have been quite “hot” lately.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved