I find it hard to believe that it is already the first day of May 2012. After taking a short two-week break from writing – a much-needed reprieve – I now feel deeply inspired to resume my integrating. These two weeks have been profound – digging deeper into inner work and enjoying a delightful visit from my dear friend Pyper.
The journey of the last six months has been so intense that I had nearly forgotten how to laugh as I repeatedly regressed through one painful emotion after another. Spending a delightful week of sharing with Pyper has shown me in beautiful ways that I still know how to belly laugh. Wow did I ever need her giggling energy to remind me of the fun that life has to offer. However, now that her short visit is over, I am eager to get back to routine.
But I am getting ahead of myself. My desperately needed giggle-fest has left me seven weeks behind in my writing. It is time to return to the past, to March 11, 2012 – to the day after a beautiful birthday celebration.
Time To Journey
During an inspiring Sunday morning Skype conversation with a dear friend in Arizona, my tiny little sparrow friend stops by several times to check on me as he perches in my window to say hello.
“The sparrow is sharing a message of love,” my dear friend Susan intuitively channels for me. “She is telling you to love yourself for where you are at in your process, and to enjoy the freedom.”
Soon, after a few hours of delightful conversation with Conny (who has decided to spend the weekend in my spare bedroom), I find myself strolling out to Keith’s magical porch.
It is time for more journeying through the inner labyrinth of my subconscious.
Reading The Pains
During the first half of the afternoon, I find myself in a beautiful heart space. Even though I feel intense pains in my solar plexus, my heart is alive with energy, and a smile remains lightly implanted on my face.
“I am feeling a lot of solar plexus pain today,” I soon share with Keith. “But since my heart still feels trusting and powerful, I think that I am just reading the densities of others. Would you agree?”
“Brenda,” Keith quickly confirms, “there is a great deal of intense solar plexus energy on the porch today.”
To my delight, another woman quickly confirms that she too is noticing the same pains in her body. It seems that with each ceremony, I take another baby step in learning to trust the subtle nuances of my inner energy sensitivities.
Emotional Quicksand
During this peaceful period of observation, I watch as Paul continues to make his way around the porch, sharing his version of healing energy with others. I am delighted to recognize that I am no longer projecting any type of emotional charge in Paul’s direction.
But then, about halfway through this beautiful ceremony, I abruptly sink into the quicksand of this well-performed stage play. To my shock, I suddenly catch an unexpected glimpse of my mother as I observe Paul. I feel the deep annoyance of my loving mother’s attempts to rescue and fix me – of her being my metaphorical shadow, not allowing me to stumble and fall, or to step into emotional release. While continuing to watch Paul work with others, I see my devoted mother, doing the best she could, desperately trying to serve me while simultaneously causing me to push and stuff my emotions down.
This journey through buried memories begins to push all of my painful buttons. I am profoundly triggered by what I observe. As I sink further into the clutches of this emotional quicksand, I find it increasingly difficult not to identify with these emotions – to separate this childhood regression from present-day reality.
Over the course of a few minutes, I completely withdraw from the group energy. I feel like an alien in a place where I do not belong – in a place where no one understands me – in a place where my mother seems to be rewarded for her loving and dedicated efforts to rescue me, while I want nothing more than to run away and hide from such invalidating assistance.
I have profoundly regressed into the self-loathing emotions of childhood.
Disconnected Isolation
“Brenda,” Keith interrupts my isolation at one point in the ceremony. “Remember how you recently complained to me about having no group energy and cohesiveness in ceremony?”
“Yeah,” I respond from my state of shutdown and isolation.
“Well today, the group is working together in profound ways.” Keith points out bluntly. “People are supporting each other on different issues …working together and sharing energy.”
“I feel like I just completely disconnected from the group.” I respond glumly. “I feel like I want to go dig a hole and climb down into it. I am not feeling the connected energy.”
“Exactly,” Keith points out with a firm-but-loving tone.
A Lost Loser
Soon, Keith begins to work with another woman who has been stuck and in resistant denial throughout the entire ceremony. As he engages her in conversation, talking to her about her stuck isolation, I recognize that Keith is really talking to me.
I find myself feeling like a total isolated looser – an alien in a world that does not fit, a world that does not understand me, one that I do not want to be a part of. Right now, in my state of emotional regression, this magical porch feels like that alien world. A huge inner energy begs me to stand up right now and leave.
“Everyone else is having energy breakthroughs,” I ponder in my deeply agitated state. “Even this woman who has been so stuck is now beginning to successfully bring in loving Higher Dimensional energy.”
“I continue to be a stuck alien,” I further flog myself in silent frustration. “I am the only looser who cannot seem to do it.”
An Unknowing Choice
When I later check in with Keith, briefly explaining my deep emotions, he emphasizes to me that I am deep in my God/separation drama … and that my feeling of isolation and disconnection is a choice.
As I ponder Keith’s words, I just want to scream.
I realize that this is a “choice” made by a part of my inner energies that are just outside of my awareness. I know that this “choice” is related to deeply ingrained subconscious anger at having felt abandoned by true Higher Energies as a child – but knowing that this is a “choice” only increases my sense of alien frustration.
In my state of isolation, it seems like everyone on the porch is “getting it” except for me. I try to reach out and connect to my “Higher Dimensional” friends – but I only feel more isolated and alone – feeling a sense of self-flogging and hopelessness.
Hidden Screams
Eventually, as others in the group begin sounding some “ohming” tones together, I begin to resist and further resent the group energy from which I am so profoundly isolated. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks as I pull a large blue scarf over my head to further withdraw. I want to scream out in anger – anger at my stuck-ness – anger at being such a stupid looser.
Finally, I join in with the gentle verbal toning. As I do so, buried emotions begin to bubble to the surface. I cycle between random waves of stuck-ness, mild tears, and feeling numb. I cannot allow myself to go deeper.
Soon, several men across the porch begin to go into their own release of angry yelling emotions. I am so detached from the group that I have no idea what or why they are doing so, but I take advantage of the opportunity for my own process.
Each time the men across the porch go into the loud screaming sounds, I join in underneath my scarf, engaging in my own screaming that is cleverly muffled by theirs. As I do so, I access deep rage at my powerlessness, at my inability to understand, to fit in, to do what everyone else seems to find so easy and natural. Angry and agonizing tears stream down my cheeks as I subtly join in with this now-group process.
Incognito Anger
When Keith shares a personal story with the group – a story detailing how he himself had struggled with his own version of such humiliating stuck-ness – my inner anger intensifies. I do not want to struggle for three years to learn how to allow myself to receive Divine Love. I want to figure out how to allow that love now, but I continue to feel like that dry and barren Sahara desert with a huge wall surrounding it – a wall that continues to keep most all love out.
Based on past experience, I decide to use my anger in an attempt to access my resolve to overthrow this feeling of inner powerlessness.
When the men across the porch yell some more, I start to wail in agony, anguish, and waves of sobs. I attempt to do so incognito, remaining disconnected under my scarf. I want to ride their wave, under the cover of their noises, not drawing any attention to myself.
“Yeah, Brenda, Join in,” Keith encourages me when he notices my secret participation.
With the added encouragement, I let go of more inhibition and cut loose even more – but continue to be quite restrained. I still want to just stand up, grab my things, and walk away. I remain deeply disconnected from the group energy, desperately wanting to climb into a hole and pull the lid over me.
Fear, Tears, And Shaking
Finally, still feeling as profoundly stuck as ever, I recognize the answer. As much as I do not want to admit it, the answer to my dilemma – to getting out of this stuck state – is to bring in Higher Love to help me. I realize that this part of the journey is a solo one – that no one can do it for me, not even Keith.
As I attempt to bring in some loving energies, I feel a tiny bit of tingling in my crown, but remain quite stuck.
Intuitively, I am guided that the love I need to bring in to help me right now is my mother’s true love – the underlying love that she had for me behind the conditional lenses that clouded it. As I silently express my intention to the Universe, asking for my mother’s true love to join me, I also ask for filters to keep out any energy that is not pure.
To my shock, as I begin to surrender and allow this experience to unfold, deep fear consumes me as I begin to cry and shake. As I search for actual memories when I was able to feel such pure love from my mother, I cycle between waves of intense fear and mild feelings of trickling love. I begin visualizing a few experiences of tender hugs prior to age five. When I take this inner journey into my teen years, the fearful emotions increase dramatically – but I also begin to experience a sensation of solidness and power in my High Heart region, extending from my heart all the way to my throat and shoulders.
I clearly recognize that I am feeling a small flow of real love from my mother, but continue to cycle in the waves of fear, tears, and shaking.
Transparent Reception
“How are you doing?” Keith eventually queries as he gently nudges me on the leg to get my attention.
After I fill him in, Keith asks me to trust him.
“Brenda,” Keith guides me. “Invite a Higher Being to stand in front of you, and ask that Being to send you conditional love, just like the love you received from your mother and others. Let it all come to you with NO filters. Instead, just be transparent, non-attached, not being affected by anything that is colored with conditions.”
“Just receive the only love that is offered,” Keith continues. “Receive what is offered without being disempowered by the conditional nature, without allowing someone else to drain you, to have power over you, or to affect you in any way. Their behavior is theirs … their love is enough … you are the one in charge of how you feel when receiving this love.”
As I put Keith’s beautiful words into meditative practice, I realize that he is reminding me that how I feel when receiving such love is an “inside job” – that no matter how conditional someone’s love might be – that I can still receive the pure essence of that love with transparency, without allowing myself to feel disempowered in any way.
Soon, I am immersed in deep peace as I feel portions of this love flowing through me … and none of it feels threatening or disempowering. In fact, I feel just the opposite … I feel deeply blessed.
Detached Disorientation
As I continue receiving this conditional love from the Higher Being in front of me, I begin to feel a wall in my heart. As it increasingly forms, a buildup of pain develops in my solar plexus.
I see the wall as resistance to, and fear of, the conditional stuff that is filtering in. Again I focus increased attention, silently expressing meditative intent that none of the conditional distortions can touch me, that only the unconditional love will fill me and that all conditional energies will just flow right through me.
I sit in this focused state until the end of the ceremony, which soon dissolves into nearly an hour of disjointed socializing and chatter. While quietly meditating in my solo journey, I again feel like an alien. I want to finish what I am doing and simply pay no attention to the detached distractions of the porch.
As I sit in this solo state, I feel deeply connected to the love, while simultaneously experiencing dizziness and swirling energy in my head. I recognize this head-swirling as a feeling of disorientation – of being how I must have felt as a child when feeling like an alien that does not fit in, that does not want to be here.
I consider leaving, but do not want to walk home in this confusing state of disorientation. I hang around to the end, hoping to get closure through a brief conversation with Keith.
Unable To Run
“Keith, I feel like I am in multiple worlds right now.” I finally get the chance to discuss my journey in private.
“Brenda,” Keith responds, “you are. You are deeply regressed into your childhood. This is not the present day. You are feeling what the child felt in an alien world where you did not feel as if you belonged.”
“Today was a powerful stage play for me.” I expound on my journey. “When I felt like a loser, just wanting to scream, I literally was that young child who could not understand the world as my parents described it to me. I felt as if I were surrounded by a world where everyone seemed to fit in and belong – everyone except me. I just wanted to run away and isolate myself.”
“But you couldn’t run away,” Keith aptly points out.
An Important Insight
When I explain to Keith that I remain quite confused and disoriented, he reminds me that I am still in the middle of being regressed into those childhood emotions.
“They are flowing through you on their way out.” Keith shares what I already know on one level.
“My heart is really peaceful right now,” I express confusion to Keith, “but my head remains quite dizzy and disoriented.”
“These are your childhood experiences flowing through you.” Keith again reminds me. “You are experiencing how it felt to have those chakras open in a world that did not fit.”
“I feel as if I am in that state of confusion that I have often experienced here on the porch,” I express to Keith. “It feels as if I was punished for being in this confusing state, which only increased my confusion.”
“That is a very important insight.” Keith points out.
Right-Brained Roots
“I don’t want to go home while I still feel so disoriented, not feeling closure to my process.” I soon express my nervous fears to Keith. “I still feel the childhood need-to-isolate running through me … as if I do not belong … as if I do not want to participate in this reality … and my friend Conny is sleeping over at my house again tonight.”
“Just let it flow through you,” Keith calms me after repeatedly congratulating me on my unfolding insights. “Trust your process … trust that you can go home right now and that all is well.”
Keith then reminds me that I simply need to remain non-attached and unidentified with these emotions … that if I can do so then the emotions are being released … but if I attach and recharge my emotional reactions to what is flowing through me, that I will be given repeated opportunities to play it out over and over again until I am done.
As our beautiful conversation comes to conclusion, Keith and I briefly revisit the alien metaphor. He talks about how most people who are now waking up to their magic during this period on the planet chose to be born in a time and place where they too felt like aliens who were born into a foreign planet.
“Yeah,” I respond with new insight. “As a child, I was magically connected, a right brained child who was an alien in a logical left-brained world. Today I feel as if I regressed through the exact opposite in reverse. Now I am still somewhat stuck in my head as a conditioned left-brained alien who is attempting to reconnect with my right-brained roots.”
Immigration Or Bust
After a delightful final evening of visiting with my dear friend Conny, the two of us are up very early on Monday, March 12. With a full tummy of chocolate-laced oatmeal, we board an early-morning Tuk-Tuk to nearby San Pablo shortly before 6:20 a.m.. Conny is beginning her return trip to Mexico, and I am off on an adventure of my first-ever solo visit to Guatemala City, hoping to pick up my precious passport at the immigration office. Sensations of nervousness are far outweighed by a feeling of trust and confidence that “I can do this … all by myself”.
Minutes later, the two of us are sharing a chicken bus destined for Xela, wildly winding our way up the steep switchbacks overlooking gorgeous Lake Atitlan. An hour later, at 7:30 a.m., I hug my friend goodbye and work my way toward the front of the extremely crowded bus. Conny will continue on toward Xela, but I need to get off at the intersection of the main Inter-America highway, where I will catch a different bus that will carry me on to the capitol city.
The long bumpy bus ride is tedious and tiresome, but very reliable, dropping me off at the end of the line just before 11:00 a.m., in a cement jungle near the heart of Guatemala’s crowded capitol. It takes me about thirty minutes to walk down traffic-laden streets to the immigration office, and I finally have my renewed passport in hand by 12:15 p.m..
Feeling quite proud of myself, my first solo trip to the city is flawless. After a hurried walk back to my bus stop and a four-hour return journey, a little Tuk-Tuk finally drops me off near my home at just after 5:00 p.m..
I am exhausted, so the rest of my evening turns into a burger-fest for my inner children and a relaxing movie before bed.
Daunting Regression
Tuesday morning brings a return to the emotional regression. I want to write, but deep childhood emotions tug forcefully on my heart. I try to watch a happy video clip in preparation for writing, but the process just serves to emphasize how unhappy my weird emotions are. I am feeling very depressed, hopeless, and antisocial. I am loathing myself, I do not want to write, and a strange sense of hating other people flows through me.
I know these emotions are not true … I know they are a continuation of the childhood regression from Sunday … but the emotions are overwhelming and deeply convincing.
I recognize the hopeless, antisocial feelings as arising from my teenage years. I feel as if I was given a one-day reprieve from my process, but am now deep in the whiplash of my flowing journey.
The emotions are so overpowering that I decide to walk over to Keith’s home to return a map of Guatemala City – one that I could easily have returned tomorrow. I am not sure what I need, but sitting alone in these regressed emotions is daunting.
A Series Of Initiations
“I am back in that flow of childhood nightmare,” I express to Keith as a few tears unexpectedly burst down my cheeks. “I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and pull a lid over me.”
Soon the tears flow freely as Keith begins to search on his computer for a quote that he feels guided to share with me. It is one from the book “Oneness” channeled by Rasha. Following is this beautiful quote.
“In order to know, experientially, the state of fearlessness that comes of aligning with one’s Godself, it is necessary to undergo what might be considered to be a series of initiations. These manifestations, as experiences, of one’s fear of the state of disconnection, are in fact illusory devices that you have created for yourself so that you might have the means of proving otherwise. By consciously choosing, in one’s darkest hour, to reject the vision of hopelessness that appears inevitable, and to choose instead the knowingness that the outcome will reflect your highest possible good, you open the doorway within to the place of loving trust that will lead you home.”
As I read these beautiful words, I recognize myself and in many ways feel as if I am in one of my darkest hours of hopelessness. I clearly recognize that these emotions have nothing to do with the present day – but the currents of these emotions are strong and swift. With all my heart, I want to find and open that doorway within.
Surrender To The Flow
“You are in a powerful place,” Keith reassures me.
But when he reminds me that there are no formulas and that I need to find my own way through this process, I want to scream. I desperately want help from outside … but realize that this is an inside job and that the help I seek must come from inner connections.
“I feel an agonizing sense of extreme hopelessness,” I share the intensity with Keith. “I feel as if my observer-self is hanging on by a thread, on the verge of getting lost in this.”
“There is no way to teach surrender.” Keith surprises me by his response.
“You mean I am just supposed to surrender to this flow?” I ask for clarity.
“Yes,” Keith smiles back at me.
Gentle Surrender
Keith suggests to me that rather than going home right now, that I just sit and meditate in his kitchen for a couple of hours while he goes about his normal morning chores. I am deeply grateful for his kind invitation. I need all the support I can get right now. In this meditation, I am able to access some nice energy, but a deep and distracting energy of confusion continues to dominate my head. I try to walk down into my subconscious mind, but the distracting confusion is so overwhelming that I cannot make it even one step down. I realize that for now, my journey is simply to sit with this confusing emotion, to allow it to flow through me, and to surrender.
Shortly after noon, I thank Keith for his kindness and return home, feeling somewhat stable while still flowing this intense emotional river through me. I am so exhausted from emotion and travel that I lovingly choose to honor my humanness, and gently grant myself permission to withdraw for the rest of the day – a day consumed by three movies and a tiny earthquake that interrupts just over halfway through the second movie.
Bedtime cannot come fast enough.
Animal Guides
Wednesday morning at 5:36 a.m., I awake to the sounds of someone using a sledgehammer to break concrete just around the corner from my bedroom wall. I have long since given up all judgment for such bizarre morning noises. Using the opportunity as an unexpected alarm clock, I instead get out of bed to attempt a Skype call to a dear friend who is celebrating her birthday tomorrow.
I love my friend. In the midst of an hour-long conversation, her loving support helps to ground me … helping me to further surrender to the unknown wonders of my process. This dear friend guides me to see my process as a journey through the jungle, where a magical jaguar guides me from the tree branches above, keeping me safe and leading me through each step.
As the afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, I use my dear friend’s metaphor as the basis for my meditation, visualizing myself in a jungle sitting with a black jaguar who is my male-energy protector and guide. Soon, my little sparrow friend pops into the visualization, revealing herself as my little free-spirited female guide. As she dances and plays in the air above me, I realize she has no cares for tomorrow, and she is not anchored to the ground as I know it. I love this amazing meditation with my male and female energy guides.
I sit and play with this fun experience until well after the glow meditation terminates.
An Unexpected Invite
When Keith has progressed about halfway around the porch, he begins to work with a young woman that I will call Melissa. As Keith explores with her, it becomes obvious that Melissa is a powerful empath who, much like me, functions as a ground (or lightning rod) for the emotions of people in groups. She has been deeply agonized by the shutdown of her magic as a child, and is beginning to experience painful anguished emotions as Keith works with her.
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts and turns toward me, “Melissa was shut down in much the same way as you, and is feeling the same type of deep pain over what happened to her. I would like you to come over here and connect with her … connect with her pain and see if you can feel it yourself.”
Sharing Journeys
As I sit directly in front of Melissa, staring into her eyes while putting out silent intentions for my heart to connect with her energy, I gradually begin to feel a mild ache at the center of my heart chakra. After about ten minutes of intense focus and surrender, I have an area about eight inches in diameter, directly over my heart chakra, that is overwhelmed by sharp painful aching – so painful that I begin to cry.
Meanwhile, Melissa has gone deeper into her own unfolding process, and is now hitting deep screeching wails of anguish as she processes her emotions. The more I focus, the more her pain becomes my pain. When she cries out in pain, I too feel like crying right along with her.
“Good, Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts, “you’re getting there.”
I continue my process of surrender and connecting, continuing to relate profoundly to Melissa’s release process. In the midst of this, Keith asks another woman to sit directly behind me, holding space for my own process.
Soon, I begin to go extremely deep into gut-wrenching pain, expressing itself mostly through agonizing dry heaves of energy and some coughing.
Suddenly, as I experience one especially deep dry-heave, I have a powerful physical feeling that I am vomiting out energy from that nail-in-my-heart spot.
Way Out There
Almost immediately, I am intuitively reminded of the metaphorical “Phillips screwdriver” that continues to be energetically immersed in this spot – one representing the fixing energy of my mother – one that I have attempted to remove on several occasions, but which has remained quite securely lodged in my energy field.
I quickly mention this reappearing metaphor to Keith while continuing to dry heave agonizing energy from this spot at the center of my chest.
“Do you want to do something ‘way out there’?” Keith soon asks Melissa when my own emotional release eventually subsides.
After explaining more details to her about the metaphorical screwdriver stuck in my heart, Keith tells Melissa that she is going to help me to pull it out.
Shifting Metaphors
“Reach your hand right here in front of her,” Keith guides Melissa.
I already have my right hand clenched tightly over the spot, and Melissa places her hand right above mine.
“Imagine yourself holding the end of the handle,” Keith guides Melissa.
For the next twenty minutes, Keith coaches Melissa through her own experience of feeling the screwdriver in her hand while I focus entirely on relaxation and surrender, trusting my black jaguar and tiny sparrow to guide and protect me … trusting and allowing … doing nothing else.
“Can you feel that the screwdriver is somewhat relaxed and partially loose now?” Keith asks Melissa.
As I observe and surrender, I begin to get lost in the metaphor, starting to doubt the existence of such a weird appendage sticking out of my heart. To make things easier, I feel intuitively guided to release the metaphor and instead simply view the energy in my heart as a blob of fixing energy that now needs to be psychically removed. To my delight, this shift in metaphors allows me to get more out of my head and into full surrender.
Removed And Released
As Keith continues to work skillfully with Melissa, I note that he begins to be overwhelmed with emotion as well. Tears form in his eyes as he feels the powerful significance of what we are all working on together.
As I again look into Melissa’s eyes, tears saturate both of our faces. I see divinity in her glowing eyes as I continue my unfolding process of surrendering, allowing, and trusting that she has the magical ability to assist me. Fears dance through my soul as I further allow someone from outside to help me do something that I cannot do for myself.
“There, it is free, pull it out now,” Keith finally guides Melissa after another ten or fifteen minutes of deep emotional coaching.
As Melissa pulls her hand back and releases the energy to the angels, she expresses that she definitely felt the energy coming out of me. Keith confirms that he too felt it quite clearly.
I do feel slightly different, but my energy sensitivities remain so weak that for me, at least for now, trust is a major element of my process. On the intuitive level, however, I have strong inner guidance telling me that this has been a very real process indeed. As Keith often shares, this is a process that cannot be validated using rational mind. It is something that I will need to integrate – something that will eventually be quite clear to me over time.
Healing Old Wounds
As Keith moves on to work with others, I sit in deep peaceful meditation, integrating and bringing in peaceful loving energies.
Gradually, I begin to feel a sensation of solidarity at that nail-in-my-heart spot – as if power and clarity are beginning to return to my energy. While Keith coaches someone else in a “soul-retrieval” process, I begin to engage in my own soul-retrieval – focusing on bringing in increasing amounts of higher energy and light while silently expressing my intention for whatever parts of myself that I may have pushed out of this place to now begin returning as appropriate.
Again, I visualize my black jaguar and tiny brown sparrow, asking them to guide me while I simply breathe and allow. As I do so, I experience many random pains and sensations of expansion in my high-heart region. I am now feeling a definite and noticeable difference in my energy field – one that feels as if old stinging wounds are beginning to heal with new love.
Need-To-Know Basis
“The screwdriver is out,” Keith confidently reassures me a while later when I ask for feedback. “It will stay out unless you choose to bring it back in a few days time.”
I definitely do not want to do that. I want to fill this place with healed light and love. But I clearly recognize that when energy work such as this is done, that unless changes are made and new paths are chosen inside of me, that the old energies will indeed return.
As I further integrate in deep meditation, I feel as if I am lying on the “Goddess’s operating table” – a metaphorical term that Keith sometimes uses to explain to people what they are feeling when energy shifts begin to move around in their body.
“Keith,” I eventually ask, “can you help me understand what all of these energy movements are in my body?”
“Part of you doesn’t want to know right now,” Keith lovingly responds. “This part of you is not ready to know or sense this yet. It is better, as part of a trust-building process, that you don’t need to know. Your rational mind might get in the way if it is given more feedback.”
Powerful Pauses
For the remainder of this beautiful ceremony, I mostly tune out from other events on the porch and instead continue integrating in my own process. I feel a beautiful energy flowing through me in spite of the fact that my head is still partially clouded by that confusion energy that has followed me all week. But intuitions tell me this confusion is fading fast, being replaced by newfound clarity.
By Thursday morning, I feel emotionally on top of the world. I wish I could say I was done with my intense journeying, but I clearly recognize that instead, I am being given a gift of grace, a beautiful opportunity to spend the day writing a blog titled “Defying Gravity”. I love such powerful pauses in my process – desperately needed pauses to give me a chance to reconnect with the light, to recharge my passion, and to prepare for my next adventure.
Magical Metaphorical Animals
It has been an amazing and intense five-day journey – a journey graced by animal metaphors from two dear friends. That magical black jaguar and tiny free-spirited sparrow have proven to be powerful metaphors in helping me surrender control to a higher flow – to trust and allow that my own Higher Self is guiding me through the labyrinth of my jungle journey.
On Sunday, I was immersed into an unexpected childhood regression, one that took me back into the forceful flow of intense teenage emotions – emotions that made me feel socially lost and alone – emotions of being an alien in a world not my own. In fact, it becomes increasingly clear that such a feeling of being an alien began at a very young age. In a twist of trust, I learned that I can indeed begin to allow self-love and motherly love to fill me – to heal my love-starved heart. I learned that I can receive the conditional love directly, in a state of transparency, and that it is possible to feel the pure unconditional love hidden behind the conditions.
After a day of fun-but-tiring travel to Guatemala City, Tuesday took me ever deeper into that emotional regression, nearly overwhelming me.
And on Wednesday, those magical metaphorical animals guided me through a jungle of emotions – emotions of connecting to my empath abilities more deeply than ever. And to my amazement, after connecting to and assisting Melissa, she became a beautiful angel in helping me to remove fixing energies that have been stuck in that nail-in-my-heart spot for nearly five decades.
Finally, on Thursday, after writing all day about defying gravity, I really do feel as if I can fly.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved