Brenda's Bicycles

Note: this is the final part of a four-part story. If you have not yet read the first three blogs, you may want to read them first …

Saturday morning, May 19, 2012, I cannot help but giggle when the loudspeakers activate at 5:21 a.m., blasting town announcements at full volume. While such early morning announcements are not the norm, I never cease to be amazed by the cultural differences that exist in this world.

Then, just before 5:35 a.m., a small earthquake shakes my apartment for about ten seconds. A minute or two later, another larger quake rumbles for about twenty seconds. Finally, shortly before 6:00 a.m., as I sit on my daybed with my computer, having totally given up on sleep, I feel the bed wiggle – and I wonder if it is another quake, or if it is just me. I am fascinated by the fact that several earthquakes have shaken up my reality in the past week or so – the old world as I know it is indeed crumbling.

Going Out Of My Head

As I sit in my living room, in awe of the shaking around me, angry stories from last night continue to shake my inner reality. Still raging – demanding my focus and attention – are stories of injustice for how people in the group treated me yesterday on the porch.

“They had no compassion,” the inner liar rants on. “They were invalidating, condescending, judgmental, and throwing out constant disempowering fixing comments.”

“F@ck them,” ego continues the pouting. “They have absolutely no clue what I am doing in my process … that I am intentionally allowing repressed emotions to surface so that they can be felt, release, and healed … that I am intentionally diving into old behavior patterns so that I can ‘know myself’, and stop perpetuating those patterns.”

“I am so angry, so stuck, so alone, feeling so abandoned in my confusion,” I sit pondering in silence, totally lost in this heavy victim emotion. “Everyone around me talks like it is so easy, giving me spiritual ‘head’ advice … Bullshit … their advice is exactly what I used to believe myself, until I actually started going into frightening core issues.”

“My confusion always surfaces when people expect me to do right-brained stuff by myself,” I ponder my sorry state. “But I shut that part of me down in childhood. Now, each time someone tells me how easy it is to just open it back up, I want to scream … yet when I ask for help, the criticism and condescending begins. I cannot win.”

“Keith is playing his role perfectly,” I continue pondering, “but it is maddening. I am smart, but this is just beyond my ability. I cannot do this by myself … I need help … I do not know how to get out of my head.”

Moving Target

The frustrating inner stories will just not stop …

“I am aiming for a target that I cannot see … one that I have never experienced with any level of consistency,” I add metaphors to my pondering. “The target keeps moving around, unfairly stacking the games against me. Each time I go where I think I am supposed to go, the target has moved somewhere else. I cannot figure it out with my mind … it is maddening and crazy-making.”

“I know this is MY game – the game I am playing with God,” I ponder the truth. “But how the heck do I stop playing this crazy self-perpetuated game?”

As these thoughts of utter futility flow, I burst into sobs … and begin to dry heave so intensely, that as I push energy out of my throat I am unable to inhale for nearly a minute.

New Age Circus

“It’s a circus out there,” Keith sometimes responds when talking about all the varying diversity in the New Age Movement.

One of my biggest triggers is being around people who are stuck in ego, believing that they have all the answers and the magic, preaching and condescending with pride about their quick fixes to spiritual enlightenment. I know this trigger stems from my social struggles as a teenager – of being around all the popular kids who treated me like a loser.

“I am so effing tired of being marginalized by other magical people because of the way I am doing my deep inner work,” I ponder in agonizing frustration. “So many people judge me because they see me in the craziness of my deep-sea-diving emotional work … but they have no idea of the courage it takes, and the humiliation I am feeling, to follow an inner mandate that literally demands that I do this work now. As crazy as I look, I am deeply empowered, doing exactly what I know I need to do to ‘know myself’, and to heal the intense dysfunction that literally controls my subconscious reality.”

A Guided Opinion

What a crazy way to begin a Saturday morning. What makes it even more frustrating is that I am preparing to participate in a small private ceremony scheduled on behalf of my friend Cheryl (not her real name) – a ceremony also involving me, Keith, Angela, and another of Cheryl’s friends.

“I’m deeply emotional,” I express to Keith when I show up at his porch at 8:45 a.m.. “I am not sure if I will be a contribution or an emotional drain to the ceremony this morning. Would you please check your guidance to see whether or not you think I should be here? I will go home and work on my own issues if that would be best.”

“I’m getting that if you decide to stay, that it will end up being very powerful for everyone involved,” Keith reassures me a minute later.

As I ponder Keith’s encouraging words, I make a decision to stay. I feel deeply guilty for bringing such heavy emotional energy into a private ceremony, but I totally trust Keith’s guidance, and I desperately hope for something to shake me out of, or add more insight to, this crazy agonizing God-drama loop.

Face In The Sand

As this beautiful gathering begins, I get lost in the initial pleasantries and my emotions take a short break, but as group progresses onward, I quietly isolate and work on my own issues, allowing myself to sink deeper into the emotions. I am determined to feel them to the core so that I can bring in the light to transmute them … so that I can finally be done with them. I continue to focus on asking the light to journey with me. Eventually, I finally feel as if I am at the bottom of these painful emotions – at least of this layer.

I clearly recognize that what I am feeling are emotions of anger surrounding the issue of how love was so disempowering in my life … how love was used to slam and judge me.

Meanwhile, as Keith works with someone else, he describes a metaphor of being out in the ocean, standing in the breakers. It is one he often uses. Keith describes that when a wave comes along, you can learn to dive under it with grace, and come up on the other side of the wave … or you can fight the wave and have your face ground in the sand.

“Brenda, how are you doing?” Keith suddenly turns to me after sharing this metaphor.

“I am back in another wave of my God drama emotion, going into the waves with power,” I begin to explain myself, “but my waves feel as if they are a hundred feet tall, and they are so overwhelming that they are grinding my face in the sand and I feel incapable of connecting with the light. I am trying to do so, but am so low that I am struggling.”

Perceived Attack

To my shock, Angela jumps into the mix with advice. I perceive it as very hard-assed, tough-love, pushing – slamming me for going down into the pain. I love Angela, and know her intentions are good, but in my current emotional state, I deeply resent her method – the same method I had applauded earlier in the week when she did something similar with Paul. I simply do not respond well to in-your-face attacks.

“Brenda, I have seen you in your power.” Angela speaks in a frustrated and forceful emphasis. “I know you know how to bring in the light. Just quit wallowing in your pain. Stay in the light. Use the light to work with the densities.”

“I have seen you for two weeks now,” she continues her chastising words, “and seen how you keep intentionally diving into the densities and getting lost. You know better than to do that, blah, blah, blah … (she continues on for a minute or two).”

I feel devastated by what I perceive as extremely harsh words from someone I love. (In retrospect, Keith has occasionally badgered me in much the same way, but with Keith, I always clearly trust how he understands and honors the unique flow of my process, and has my best interest at heart.)

Right now, I feel wrongly accused and deeply misunderstood. I absolutely disagree with Angela’s words, deeply believing in the importance of following the flow of my process. As crazy as it may look to others, I profoundly trust as this intense flow pulls me ever deeper into those painful memories from childhood. I am intentionally surrendering to this flow with profound clarity. Yes, I continue to slog through layer after layer the hard way, but I know that the only way I will find my way out of this God drama – the only way I will consistently be able to trust the light – is if I do process through these densities and clear them out of me.

I am not here to rush through my process … I am here to follow the flow of my being and to learn why I put these blockages here in the first place. I feel deeply hurt by my perception that Angela does not understand this … that she would seem to be judging me for that.

Betrayal Triggers

“Please stop,” I beg Angela. “This is not serving me. Your words are not resonating with my process. I am following a higher flow with my God drama. I am in a transitional period of learning to trust the light, but I am not there yet.”

“You are scamming yourself by going back down into the densities over and over,” Angela insists.

“No I am not,” I try to defend myself. “I am going where I need to go.”

“Her words are 100% spot on,” Keith sends shock and horror through my soul as he backs up the words of someone I now currently perceive as my attacker.

“But just earlier this week you absolutely reassured me that I am NOT scamming myself,” I respond to Keith with a shocked look. “You told me that you have repeatedly checked your guidance and that I am doing my process the way I need to do it, for educational reasons, and that I am actually doing quite well. You have repeatedly congratulated me for the emotional release … telling me on Monday that what I did on Sunday by crying for five hours had saved me a lot of time in my process … that I was giving myself permission to go deeper than I have ever gone before.

I am feeling crazily betrayed by both Keith and Angela.

Forceful Defense

In the interest of preserving my friendship with Angela … a friend that I love very much … I will not further belabor my description of this agonizingly painful discussion.

Suffice it to say that we got into a long discussion about yesterday – about the experience where I had asked for help and then Keith had asked me to intentionally give away all of my power – the experience where I again felt attacked by misunderstanding of those in the group and had again attempted to defend my honor.

“You created that situation,” Angela tells me … something Keith quickly backs up.

(At the time, I am totally defensive, absolutely unable to admit that I created that painful attack in my reality … it is only in writing seven weeks later that I clearly see that I had indeed masterfully created that disempowering situation … and that it had served me beautifully in learning how I have a lifelong pattern of disempowering myself.)

In my repeated attempts to defend myself against what I perceive as a vicious and unwarranted attack, I make a few comments to Angela that are not well received. The conversation gets even more heated … but never reaches any type of yelling or screaming. I am simply attempting to forcefully defend myself against what I perceive as a forceful attack.

An Inside Job

“Stop Brenda,” Keith interrupts.” Please disengage, you are projecting onto Angela.”

I am deeply shocked and hurt, because I clearly perceive that Angela is also quite defensive and projecting all over me, and Keith says absolutely nothing about that, simply putting it all onto me, insisting that I need to take personal responsibility.

“Please go inside,” Keith firmly guides me. “It is not about Angela … it is not about what it is about … and nothing changes until you do.”

As Keith reminds me of a profound truth, I still feel quite hurt that he is not asking Angela to do the same. I feel deeply betrayed.

But at the same time, as I ponder these bizarre and unusual events, I suddenly begin to recognize signals that I am indeed creating this present-day reality – that what I am experiencing right now is another massive stage play – a reality totally created by my Higher Energies – a reality focused on my own personal growth. I don’t need to worry about what anyone else is doing or not doing … no matter how bizarre or intense it may seem. I simply need to see it all as an opportunity to heal something inside me.

Giving Away Power

I sit sulking in intense pain for a very long time while Keith moves on to work with others. Ever so gradually, I am able to bring in tiny amounts of light.

“When I try to defend myself I disempower myself,” the insights gradually sink in. “I am giving away my power to the person who I perceive as attacking me.”

“I absolutely KNOW that my process is profound and divinely inspired,” I ponder with deep intuitive clarity. “I know that my processing of emotional layers has been deeply guided, that what I am experiencing is an intense-but-perfect process uniquely designed for my needs.”

“I know that I am making huge progress with every wave of density that I process.” I begin to access deeper inner truth. “I love and accept myself for where I am at. I do not need to defend what I am doing to others. There is nothing wrong with what I am doing, and there is nothing to change about how I am approaching it. At every step, I am following guidance, deeply surrendering to an inner flow, and I love myself for having the courage to do that. Others can throw stones if they wish, but I trust my own heart.”

“My lesson here is profound … a lesson that I am giving away my power by trying to be “right” with Angela.” I ponder with clarity. “Her truth is perfect for her … and I do not need to defend my own strong knowing about the trust I have in what I am doing. I do not need to convince anyone of anything.”

Betrayal Posters

As I realize the powerful lesson being given to me, I am amazed. But at the same time I am quite frightened. In the course of the last hour, my “betrayal” energy has been deeply triggered by both Angela and Keith. I know that I will likely be able to release that emotion with Keith – at least past experience tells me I will be able to – but I am terrified that I may not be able to undo this emotional hook with Angela.

I deeply love her and treasure our friendship and the magical being that she is, but right now, one of my deepest God-drama patterns is being triggered – a lifelong pattern of having felt betrayed by God – a pattern that has taken many earthly faces over the years. The last thing I want is for Angela’s face to be added to that “betrayal poster” that hangs on ego’s walls in my unhealed mind.

I know I want to heal this hurt … I have to heal this hurt … but I am frightened that I may be unable to do so.

Defense Equals Attack

Finally, after having engaged in a long and deeply empowering silent meditation, Keith turns to ask how I am doing.

“When I defend myself I am attacked,” I respond to Keith by paraphrasing one of the “A Course In Miracles” workbook lessons – a lesson for which I now have a new appreciation.

“I have lived a life where love was equivalent to an attack on my genuine self – unjustly slamming me for my magic, for my genuine and pure motives,” I begin to share. “I have been repeatedly slammed by those who love me, and then, when I try to explain and defend myself, I have only dug the hole deeper, making things far worse.”

“I now realize that this defense only gave away my power,” I continue, “that those people could not then, and never could have understood the truth in my heart. I gave my power away to them as I tried to win their love, understanding, and approval.”

“It runs even deeper than that, Brenda,” Keith points out. “It runs into the level of integrity … of how throughout your life you were slammed for your integrity.”

“Yeah,” I respond with new insight,” I was always acting from the deepest levels of my integrity. That is why it hurt so much to be attacked and to feel so unable to defend myself. That type of love literally sucked me dry.”

Controlling Love

“What is important right now,” Keith lovingly guides me, “is that your little inner child needs to know that she was right. You need to let her know that … you need to help your little girl to understand that those who disempowered her were wrong in what they did.”

“We have already touched on this before,” Keith then shares, “but I am guided to say it even more strongly today. Your mother DID withhold love from you when you disobeyed … and the only way that you could get that love back was when you humbled yourself and submitted to her wishes. Love was used to control you, and any attempt to defend your integrity – to defend your right to be your genuine self – meant withdrawal of love.”

The inspired guidance that Keith shares makes profound sense, resonating deeply with my heart. I absolutely know that my mother acted with the most genuine of intentions, doing the best she knew how to follow her own beliefs in teaching me to follow in her footsteps … but I also absolutely know that when I disobeyed … when I was punished … that love was indeed withheld until I humbled myself and surrendered all power to her.

Keith goes on to explain that any attempts I made to have my own feelings validated, to explain myself and to seek to be understood – that all such attempts only dug the hole deeper, adding to my sense of disempowerment, hopelessness, and futility.

An Unlovable Fool

As I sit here, attempting to bring in more self-love while Keith continues to work with me, I literally feel as if I can hardly breathe. My heart feels cramped, and any attempt at deep breathing is extremely difficult. All I can achieve are extremely rapid and shallow breaths.

“I cannot breathe life force, and I am struggling to bring in the love that I need,” I finally beg Keith for guidance.

(Note: As I attempt to write about this, now seven weeks later, I am again regressing into deep sobs. I had no idea this emotions was still so raw.)

“There are four people here today on the porch who love you unconditionally, and who would love to share that love with you if you can allow.” Keith guides me.

As Keith speaks these loving words, I have my eyes closed and refuse to open them. When I consider receiving love from Angela right now, all I can think of is how I feel so betrayed by what happened earlier. When I think of Cheryl and her friend (and Angela too) I can only think about my humiliation for what happened earlier. I feel incredible shame, knowing that the heated almost-argument absolutely ruined all hope of me ever being loved by any of them. I do not feel worthy of such love, and rather than allowing these beautiful friends to hug me right now, I am determined that I would rather try to connect directly to Source.

I continue to keep my eyes closed, ignoring Keith’s offer, repeatedly attempting to establish this personal connection to Source. I actually feel quite peaceful right now – with my only fear being a human connection to Keith and these three women with whom I absolutely know I have made a complete fool of myself.

Skittish About Love

“Brenda,” Keith again interrupts the silence. “Given where you are in your process, the human connection might be an easier place to start.”

“I do not feel safe,” I express my fear to Keith. “I do not trust this human love right now.”

“I love you with all my heart, Brenda,” Angela giggles as she calls out from across the porch. “I would love to hug you right now.”

I keep my eyes down and ignore Angela’s offer. She repeats her words several times, and I respond, indicating again that I do not feel trusting of human love right now. Keith repeatedly reassures me of the “unconditional purity” of the love that is available to me here on the porch, letting me know that just as Divine Love is all around, so is this beautiful love here on the porch today – love that is just begging me to receive it.

As I listen to Keith’s loving guidance, I still feel deeply hurt by earlier events, struggling to believe that Angela could really love me given how I reacted to her earlier words – struggling to believe that the others could really love me given what a stupid fool I feel I have been.

But at the same time, I now clearly see that this episode of my own personal “Muppet Show” has been perfect, taking me precisely where I needed to go in recognizing the extreme disempowerment of trying to defend myself from an attack perpetrated by those who are supposed to love me … and to have compassion for me. It is clear that the understanding and validation for which I fought only served to make me weaker.

As I write seven weeks later, it is now profoundly clear that being “skittish about human love” is an agonizing childhood issue. I was so terrified of what human love represented … of how the world’s version of “love” only controlled and manipulated me … that I put up huge walls to keep it as far away from me as possible.

Powerful For All

For a full half hour, I vehemently resist allowing anyone to hug me.

Finally, Angela just gets out of her seat, walks over to my cushion, wraps her arms around me, and swarms me with hugs – against my will. As she does so, I break down into sobs and a few wailing screeches.

Cheryl quickly joins the hug pile from the backside.

After a while, Angela moves behind me and pulls me into her, cuddling me tightly. I feel loving warmth swarming into the backside of my heart. Gradually, as I manage to breathe more deeply, in a more relaxed manner, I feel the love begin to increase. I even let out a giggle or two.

But even with this beautiful love, I am experiencing intense resistance to feeling joy. A sense of deeply rooted, unidentified anger continues to hold me hostage.

“I told you that if you stayed that it would be a powerful experience for everyone,” Keith reminds me of a discussion we had before the ceremony. “Cheryl is now sharing beautiful love too. This is her debut on being able to share such beautiful loving energy with others. You are giving her a powerful opportunity.”

Unlovable

Angela and Cheryl take turns holding me for most of the hour. As they do so, I continue to hear silent inner voices chattering away in my head, fighting this process, insisting that I do not deserve this love … that this process is going to backfire on me.

“Find that storyteller in the inner conference room,” Keith guides me when I talk about this inner chatter.

“I can’t do it right now,” I finally confess to Keith. “When I try to connect, everything is too intense right now. I am unable to focus.”

As Keith moves on, he works with someone on relationship issues. As I observe while meditating, I feel deeply triggered. Taunting inner voices remind of lifelong self-hatred and self-talk telling me that I am unlovable because I am a transgendered freak. I know this feeling of not being loveable, of not being able to receive love, is deeply influencing all areas of my life. Small layers of emotion again begin to flow.

Happy, Shell Shocked, And Confused

“How are you doing now,” Keith checks in with me near the end of the ceremony.

I explain that I am struggling with inner agitation, knowing that the axe is going to fall. After Keith lightheartedly jokes about how an axe is not going to fall on me, he then tells me to go inside and find the part of me that is planning this self-sabotage.

“No,” I joke back with him. “You don’t understand. I am not planning any self-sabotage in my process. I am simply following the flow. I just know that in the past, that when I have powerful experiences like I had today, that I often have other layers of density that quickly follow to help reinforce the process … and that some of them have been intense.”

Keith and I engage in a brief debate about this issue. I am not communicating well, and I feel as if he is giving me very mixed messages. I feel so deeply confused by our interactions today.

“You are still learning how to go down into the density while taking the light with you,” Keith had reinforced me one at one point.

But then, when talking to others, he discussed the process with them as if it is so obviously easy and simple. It makes me want to scream.

On the one hand, I am very happy and content with what took place today. I made huge growth in the area of understanding how defending myself against perceived attack by those who love me has been a lifelong source of grief and power loss. But I remain quite shell shocked, and very confused – totally unsure of where I stand with my friends. The insane inner sense of having been attacked and betrayed continues to silently scream inside.

Anger And Betrayal

As the ceremony concludes, the five of us share social time while gobbling down pizza at a local restaurant. I continue to be somewhat quiet and withdrawn, in semi-upheaval over what went down today. Keith had reassured me before dinner that we could talk for a while after dinner, but suddenly, at 4:45 he remembers he has a 5:00 p.m. Skype appointment.

“Keith,” I pull him aside quickly, “do you have any time to talk tomorrow morning?”

“Brenda, you are fine,” Keith shares his guidance with me, “I’m getting that you are doing really well.”

“Yeah, I know that,” I respond with confidence. “I know that today was a perfect setup for me in my process, but I am carrying a lot of unresolved anger and betrayal that I cannot let go of and I really need to talk to clear my struggles.”

“I’ll email you tonight after checking my schedule,” Keith gently shares as he rushes off.

As I spend the rest of the evening hiding behind the numbing effects of movies, I struggle with the profound knowing that my dastardly “betrayal energy” has been triggered. I am deeply fearful that I will further screw things up. I want to heal this energy, but do not know how, and I do not want to lose another friendship.

Projected Betrayal

Early Sunday morning, May 20, 2012, I wake up shortly before 5:00 a.m., hoping to discover that my emotions have vanished. But as I ponder my present state, the feeling of having been betrayed by both Keith and Angela begins to overwhelm me.

I know this is my God drama projections happening all over again. It is clear that I am actually being shown a repeated life theme of having felt betrayed by God, and then projecting that onto various people – but I feel helpless to stop the emotions swelling inside, and I am terrified of the consequences of not being able to heal this emotional pattern.

I begin to ponder how – prior to yesterday – the most recent person to trigger this “betrayal complex” in me was Paul. Given the agony of that “betrayal emotion”, I would have run away many times had I not been so committed to my healing on Keith’s porch. I knew that Paul was not going anywhere and I felt deeply trapped, being forced either to abandon my path or to face my fears on the porch.

I take this feeling back to the roots of my God drama and recognize the amazing parallels. As a child and youth, I felt deeply betrayed by what I then perceived as God (and religion, and love, etc.) – but there was nowhere to hide on this planet – no way to run away and avoid the pain. I wanted to run away like Jonah in the Bible, but that betrayal energy followed me everywhere I went, and I occasionally projected it onto those who I perceived as hurting me deeply.

To The Core

“Ouch, this betrayal energy runs deep … to the very core of my soul,” I ponder.

As I meditate into this overwhelming pain, I burst into an agonizing emotional release that continues for at least thirty minutes. It is an outburst of deep coughing, dry heaving of emotional energy, not being able to breathe, intense tears, and screeching sobs.

“I have hit the taproot of my betrayal complex,” I ponder as the anguish continues flowing. “It begins both with God AND with my Higher Self.”

“I felt abandoned by Higher Energies, like a bait-and-switch was pulled on me.” I continue meditating. “The pain was so deep and hopeless, and I knew it could never be repaired. I wanted nothing to do with God’s energy. I wanted it far away from me, but there was no way I could run away to hide from the pain. I was committed to remain on earth, and God was not going anywhere.”

“Please Obi-Wan,” I sit in my inner conference room. “Please help me bring in some light to help … please show me how to release and transmute this pattern of betrayal.”

As I surrender to this meditation, the emotions greatly subside, but I remain numb, feeling shocked and unmotivated … continuing to feel hurt, alone, and stupid.

Love Equals Betrayal

I again ponder what happened yesterday with Angela and Keith, comparing it to the now-obvious parallels of what has happened throughout my life – beginning in childhood.

I have a lifelong pattern of attempting to defend my integrity when I feel unjustly attacked … and the stronger the love, the more intensely I feel attacked … making relationships with close friends and family the most vulnerable to such potential betrayal.

And after attempting to defend myself, I have always felt hopeless, knowing that I had blown it … that I no longer deserved love. It is quite clear that this feeling of “not deserving love” came from early childhood when love was withheld if I did not completely submit and obey.

If I did not give away all of my power, by submitting to the domination of God, parents, religion, and others – then I was not worthy of love – not God’s love, not family love, not anyone’s love.

“Wow,” I ponder with clarity. “Love requires total disempowerment on my part – submitting to the needs and expectations of those I want to love me.”

“And even worse, not having my power takes me to the root of my God drama,” I continue pondering. “If I am in a loving relationship and attempt to reclaim some of my power, I am accused of horrible things. When I attempt to defend myself, I am then attacked. And when I am attacked, I feel absolutely betrayed … by love.”

Betrayed By It

“This is why I refuse to allow Love and Light to help me,” the intuitions flow. “I felt betrayed by them.”

“This is why I cannot feel true joy … I felt betrayed by it.”

“This is why I sometimes project so much judgment onto people who are flittering around in joy and magic,” the insights unfold. “I hate that image … I am jealous of what I cannot have … it turns my stomach because I feel betrayed by it.”

Wow!

As I walk out to Keith’s at 10:15 a.m. for a scheduled opportunity to have a pre-ceremony talk, I am excited to share these new powerful insights.

Best Interest

We first talk a lot about how I felt so “made crazy” by the way he acted in ceremony yesterday. I explain how angry I had felt as he agreed with harsh slamming feedback, when only days earlier he had reassured me with confidence that the opposite was true – that I was not scamming myself, that I was doing really well, and that I needed to surrender to the emotions, etc…

“Brenda,” Keith lovingly responds. “My job here is not to have rules or to be consistent from one day to the next. My job is to be present in each moment and to do and say whatever is in the best interest of taking you where you need to go.”

As crazy as it feels, I do have to admit that I clearly see the wisdom in how profoundly I grew yesterday as a result of what happened – of how Keith’s and Angela’s behavior literally took me precisely where I needed to go in my process.

Building Trust

When I express my fears about struggling to let go of my triggered betrayal emotions, I feel quite confused by the response I receive.

At first, I perceive that Keith misinterprets my request for help. He firmly uses his “emphasis/importance” voice to drill into me how critical it is for me that I do not project this betrayal energy onto Angela … making it clear that if I do not let this go and heal it that I will do it to him next, and that I will completely end my porch relationship.

“Keith,” I again beg for help. “I am not here for validation of my anger and betrayal emotion. I am here for assistance in helping me to understand how to let it go. I am terrified that I will ruin a friendship with Angela and I absolutely do not want to do that.

“Go right down into that emotion,” Keith guides me. “Get lost in it and feel it to the core.”

“Are you kidding me?” I ask Keith with confusion. “Last Monday you praised me for doing just that. Yesterday, I was slammed for doing this and you agreed that I was wrong. I do not know what to believe anymore. I do not trust what you are saying as being genuine. I feel as if you are just trying to bait and switch, playing games with me.”

“I really need to work on rebuilding my trust.” I express frustration.

“Remember what your friend Jan told you, and do not try to rebuild anything,” Keith again coaches. “Go deeper into the confusion and pain. Do not try to fix it or stabilize it. Go right into it.”

“But that is not what I meant by rebuilding my trust,” I again express confusion and frustration. “I am struggling right now with whether I trust working with YOU again because of all the crazy making. It is mind boggling. I am afraid of trusting that I can go deeper without again being attacked, judged, made-wrong, or rejected.”

Changing Rules

“Brenda,” Keith suddenly begins to address me with deep loving compassion. “That is exactly what happened to you as a child. Just when you thought you knew how to do things right … how to please your parents … the rules changed and you got in trouble again.”

“Wow,” I smile at Keith.

It never ceases to amaze me how Keith’s way of interacting seems so bizarre at times, and then suddenly creates amazing and profound insights. I hate it … and I LOVE it!

For a few minutes, Keith attempts to guide me into meditation to further explore the issue, but there are too many disruptions starting to show up on the porch, and I am distracted, unable to focus in meditation. Several people are starting to pop in early for the afternoon ceremony, and many step into the kitchen to ask questions.

Nasty Stuff

But to my delight, Keith himself sinks deep into meditation and soon lets me know that he is directly connected to my Higher Energies.

“I am again being strongly guided to tell you to NOT lose your friendship with Angela,” Keith says with loving emphasis. “That would be a huge mistake and would terribly reenergize your God-drama looping onto me as well. Doing that would cause you to lose all hope of a future relationship with the porch.”

I sense the critical importance of this statement. I recognize that this triggered “betrayal” issue is at the core of my God drama, and that this is the time for me to unravel it … that if I fail to do so, and continue to project it outward, that I will eventually sabotage everything I love.

“I am connected to your density,” Keith then surprises me. “It is like the big blue barrel in the bathroom, but the barrel is now mostly empty.”

(Keith is referring to a huge barrel that he keeps stored in his bathroom because he currently has no other place where it will fit. I do not know its capacity, but to me it seems much larger than a standard 55-gallon barrel.)

“Based on what I am seeing,” Keith continues this unexpected and beautiful guidance. “It feels like there are perhaps only about three inches of remaining density on the bottom.”

Keith explains that most of this year has been about me going profoundly deep … then deeper … and then deeper … going into one core issue after another.

“What now remains at the bottom is extremely nasty stuff,” Keith shares another insight.

Bottom Of The Barrel

For a while, I attempt to meditate down into that “bottom-of-the barrel” density, but as I attempt to do so, I encounter denial and peace. Intuitively, I feel that this peaceful denial is really telling me that this part of me is terrified to give me access to what is below. When I ask for suggestions on how to proceed, Keith turns it around, asking me to tell him what I should do next.

“Connect with that blockage in my conference room,” I respond to Keith. “I need to get to know it and ask it what it needs from me.”

Keith offers support for my idea, but when I attempt to meditate further, I am distracted and feel as if I am totally stuck in my head, unable to proceed. Finally, I give up, and instead simply focus on connecting to self-love, my Higher Self, and my inner children.

Torture And Agony

To my surprise, Keith again begins to share more insight that he is receiving from my guides.

“I am getting it quite clearly that your mother withheld love from you as part of your punishment.” Keith unexpectedly shares. “This was quite common as a parenting technique at the time, but I am getting that for you this was closer to torture … that it was not just withholding of love, but that it also involved firm scolding for your rebellious tears and your resistance to the conditioning.”

Keith goes on to explain that the more I cried because of the scolding and withholding of love, that the more pain and emotions I took in, causing me to cry even more, causing me to have even more love withheld. It was an agonizing spiral.

“Brenda,” Keith begins giving me more feedback. “I’m getting that you went through agony as a tiny child, feeling unlovable, being made wrong, crazy making, and made to not have a clue how to win love.”

He adds that I deeply hurt inside no matter what I did. I hurt if I obeyed and gave away all my power. I hurt if I tried to be in my magic. I hurt if I went into confusion and chaos. And I hurt when I was punished for crying. I could not do anything right.

“It was literal torture and agony,” Keith again emphasizes. “You gave away all your power by seeking for approval and trying to defend yourself, causing you to just give up – causing you to need instructions, recipes, and approval for everything you did – the thought of not doing something right created panic.”

Peaceful And Uneventful

Finally, at 12:10 p.m., with the ceremony rapidly approaching, we abandon our session and rush to prepare the porch for an afternoon of inner work. As I do so, I ponder those painful, nasty, three-inches of density that remain at the bottom of my barrel. I really want to go down in there, but I recognize that the flow of my being is not yet taking me in this direction.

“Maybe it needs to come up in a different way on another day,” I ponder with trust and self-love.

I feel so much better. I am so grateful that Keith took the time for me today. The group is huge, with nearly 30 people. I remain quietly in my own meditative and peaceful process for most of the ceremony, occasionally touching on a few emotions – asking the light to assist each time I do so.

As we put away the cushions after the ceremony is complete, I am deeply grateful for a peaceful and uneventful afternoon – at least it was for me.

Woman In Boots

Shortly after 6:00 p.m., Keith stops by my home to walk with me up to the home of Isaias’s sister. (Isaias is Keith’s amazing worker.) To my delight, Keith has been invited to a thank you and going-away dinner in his honor. (He will be traveling sometime in the near future.) To make the evening more fun for Keith, Isaias’s sister decided to invite me to come along so that Keith would have someone to talk to (since they do not speak English, and Keith does not communicate all that well in Spanish).

I giggle at the opportunity, because I love Isaias’s family and extended family. I feel deeply grateful for having had the previous opportunity to spend two beautiful Christmas meals with these same amazing people.

I could not imagine a more stress releasing and magical evening. Shortly after arriving, I begin playing with the younger girls in the house. First, we laugh and giggle as we throw a small kick-ball around, playing an extremely non-structured form of keep-away and catch with each other. Soon, these beautiful young women pull me into a circle as we do ring-around-the-rosy type of games … then we get quite silly in a game very similar to London Bridges (but also quite different).

Finally, as someone puts on a beautiful CD of Enrique Iglesias, I pick up the younger girl in my arms, dancing and giggling with her all over the larger room of this tiny two-room home. My heart swells with joy as I realize that I really do feel like dancing.

Isaias soon joins us for the delicious chicken dinner that tops off the evening with mouth-watering delight. He quietly reminds us that receiving such an elaborate meal is an incredible honor.

For someone who has been beating herself up for weeks about “what a social loser I am”, this evening has proven that just the opposite is true – reminding me of who I really am – of how much fun I can have – especially with beautiful and magical children.

It is raining fiercely when Keith and I prepare to walk home. Isaias and his wife and baby prepare to walk with us. As I put on some high-top rubber boots, Isaias’s young nieces all giggle at me. Here in the Mayan culture, only the men wear boots. They find it so strange and funny to see me wearing mine.

No More Casualties

At almost 9:30 p.m., after finally finishing my notes for this beautiful growth-filled and healing day, I am fully aware that I am only beginning to dig into the “nasty stuff” that intuitions tell me will eventually take me even deeper into the God drama.

These last eleven days of digging to the core of my God drama patterns have been agonizing and intense. But I am profoundly proud of the growth I have achieved. I have delved deeper than I ever imagined possible into that forbidden realm of “hating God”. Wow, did I ever learn a lot about myself … about my childhood and teenage emotions … about why I continue to have such intense inner resistance toward allowing love and Higher Energies to assist me … about why I am so sensitive to fixing and perceived attack.

But as I pull the lid off this “betrayal energy”, I intuitively know I am getting very close to solving the core mysteries as to why I have lived a life of being powerless, of giving my power away to everyone I love, and to anyone from whom I seek love and/or approval.

And I know one thing for certain. I love my dear friend Angela. I am not about to let this projected betrayal energy create one more casualty.

Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved