After spending two rejuvenating and restful days while writing, enjoying a break from what has been very intense inner work, I am back at it on Wednesday afternoon, June 6, 2012. As I focus on meditation from the very beginning, I find myself in a state of deep trust, bringing in light, and manifesting a beautiful ceremony – one that will be perfect for me in whatever way I need.
“You look happier today,” Tim smiles at me before the ceremony begins. “And your skin seems lighter and smoother.”
I blush as I express gratitude for his feedback. I clearly recognize that the difference in my demeanor comes from my renewed attempts to access and fill myself with joy – something I had profoundly explored in the last ceremony. I do indeed feel a little more joy, but still have emotional densities tugging at my heartstrings.
Riding The Wave
Early during the “Glow Meditation,” Tim, the young man who rambled with countless stories in the previous ceremony – the young man who had beautifully mirrored young teenage Bobby while helping me to find unconditional love for my teenage adolescent – begins to lose control with beautiful childlike laughter.
“You are connecting with part of your genuine child that was pushed out,” Keith briefly guides Tim. “Allow this to happen, and let the joy come back.”
As I observe the contagious laughter, I also begin to laugh a tiny bit. I still feel self-conscious about laughing, and greatly restrain myself, but I have a huge grin on my face.
Tim continues to laugh almost continuously, quite uncontrollably. Very soon, I get up on my metaphorical surfboard and begin to ride Tim’s joyful wave. I do not laugh as much as Tim, but I profoundly enjoy the beautiful show while giving myself permission to sort-of laugh – even if it is only a very hidden and reserved giggle.
Further immersing myself in the meditative moment, I imagine myself in a circle with Bobby and Sharon (my precious inner children), dancing around joyfully, swaying around a cauldron of bubbling and boiling witches-brew-like emotional density. As we watch that yucky density boil and splash in the large round cauldron, we just laugh at it.
Kitchen Conversation
Soon, someone arrives late and I slip into the kitchen to pour another cup of chocolate. To my surprise, Keith follows me in to run a quick errand of his own.
“How are you doing?” Keith asks me.
“I’m on a deep journey with my inner children,” I respond, while quickly explaining how I am riding Tim’s wave and dancing around a cauldron filled with emotional density.
“Go deeper with this metaphor,” Keith encourages. “Bring in other parts of yourself to join you in that dancing circle.”
“You mean bring in the whole gang?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Keith smiles back. “Bring in your inner children, inner adolescents, and whoever else wants to join you.”
Keith then suggests that when I get far enough along in this process, that it would be a good idea to bring in the light and to ask my Higher Self for assistance in transmuting the bubbling cauldron. As I ponder Keith’s words, I realize that in the past, I have tried to do most of this transmuting all by myself.
Playful Sarcasm
When I sit back on my cushion, inviting teenage Bobby and Sharon to join the circle, things suddenly get painful. There is a great deal of inner resistance as I clearly recognize that these inner adolescents are not at all happy with the idea of playing right now. I soon ask everyone to alternate positions, asking little Bobby and Sharon to get between teenage Bobby and Sharon … and I invite a three-year-old angel too. Soon, I have invited adult masculine and feminine selves, my Higher Self, other Guides, and other aspects of myself. The circle of inner friends is quite large.
As the “Glow Meditation” completes, Keith turns directly to me. When I fill him in with unfolding details, Keith suggests that as I dance around that cauldron with my entourage of inner children and adolescents, that we sing and play together as well.
Soon, I have a clear emotional image in my mind. My entire entourage is holding hands, giggling and laughing, marching around the cauldron as if we are playing a game of “Ring around the Rosie” – only singing different words.
“We’re not allowed to have fun..un,” We sarcastically sing out in a catchy tune. “We’re not allowed to have fun..un … we’re not allowed to have fun..un.”
We repeat the phrase over and over again. My heart giggles with silliness as I imagine this scenario. Every inner part of me taunts and ridicules the silly idea that I am not allowed to have fun, to be joyful, to feel emotions judged as negative, to be creative, to be loud and giggling, etc…
“Ouch,” I suddenly ponder. “As I focus on not being allowed to be creative, that triggers a great deal of painful emotion.”
Energy Of Stuckness
When I eventually get to a place where I meditatively attempt to transmute the density in the cauldron, I feel deeply stuck – making no progress whatsoever as I approach the task with various metaphors, repeatedly inviting Higher Energies to assist.
I also note with deep curiosity that as Keith works around the porch – that virtually everyone with whom Keith works is either highly resistant to doing any work at all, in denial that they have work to do, stuck in rational mind concepts, or too fearful to go deeper.
Finally, one woman, I will call her Jen, begins to do a little work. Keith guides her into her subconscious mind to find a room. In that room, Jen begins to find clues about why certain things are hooked together in a dysfunctional way. But after a while, Jen hits too much fear and returns to rational-mind storytelling, unable to progress further.
Uniqueness Equals Rejection
Meanwhile, while Jen worked with Keith, I silently joined in, engaging in my own parallel journey. After walking down a long flight of steps and exploring a hallway, I feel guided to a doorway having a sign that reads, “Uniqueness equals rejection and ridicule.”
Inside that room, I find a “Book of Beliefs” opened to a page with a paragraph that reads something like the following:
“I am not permitted to do anything that is uniquely me, whether it is creative, imaginative, laughing, expressing emotions, sharing feelings and opinions, etc. If I do express my unique self, I will get into trouble and later regret it.”
I soon invite Bobby and Sharon to help me tear out the page, which the three of us do together. However, when I try to destroy that page, I, myself, am stuck in deep distractions. I am unable to trust what I am doing. As I attempt to burn the page, I cannot visualize it. I throw the page into the fiery pit of “Mount Doom” (in Mordor, from Lord of the Rings), but the molten lava does not dissolve or burn the page. Finally, I just fake it and pretend that the page burned up – but I absolutely do not feel it in my heart.
As I repeat the process, again inviting Bobby and Sharon to help, we rip out and destroy the page two more times – but each time I feel as if I am forcing and faking the entire process – that it is not really doing anything at all – that what I am doing is a distracting joke.
Back To The High-Rise
As Keith finally completes his first long journey around the porch, I update him in my process – sharing how I felt stuck and distracted – that what I did feels very unproductive.
“I’m struggling and getting lost in the densities that I am trying to release,” I explain to Keith. “I feel as if I am swimming in that swamp, living in that cockroach-infested house, and I am unable to get back to the light.”
“That is my biggest issue,” I share the obvious with Keith. “When I start working with emotional density, I tend to get lost in it.”
“Go back to that high-rise,” Keith suggests and moves on to work with others.
I clearly recognize that Keith is referring to the metaphor of not needing to live in that cockroach-infested house with crack dealers on the corner – that I need to return to my higher-vibration home before continuing to work with the densities.
Lovingly Speaking Truth
As I begin to focus on shifting to higher-vibration neighborhoods, Jen begins talking in loud social conversation with Tim – conversation having nothing to do with the porch or inner work. I struggle to focus with all the distraction, but continue trying. After about ten minutes, Paul calls out loudly to Jen, asking her to please save that conversation for the restaurant. When Jen defiantly ignores Paul’s spot-on request, Paul repeats his words several times.
Finally, I too speak up. I have been feeling quite annoyed, but have no desire to give away my power to the situation. I am trying to fill with loving power, to raise my vibrations. I am somewhat successful in that endeavor, on a very gradual increase – but the loud distraction is quite difficult to ignore.
“I would like to ‘second’ Paul’s request,” I share with Jen. “Your conversation is very distracting.”
I am actually quite proud of myself. I lovingly speak my truth, but I do not disempower myself in the process.
Energetic Empowerment
Keith then gets involved, engaging Jen for nearly a half hour as he attempts to help her understand how her distracted talking and storytelling is not serving her. She defends herself and lightly argues back. I giggle when Keith firmly takes control and explains that this is not a social porch – that when someone is not in their own process that he wants them to hold a high vibrational space for others.
“But I was guided to talk to Tim,” Jen demands, refusing to back down.
I giggle when Keith simply disengages from the debate, maintaining his own high energy. I perceive that Keith recognizes that he does not need to win an argument here, and that he has said everything he needs to say.
Almost immediately, another man begins a rational-mind journey with nonstop storytelling. He is in his head and will not stop talking, he will not listen to Keith’s feedback, and he will not attempt to connect inward in meditation. This young man argues with Keith and continues his rational-mind barrage.
I watch this entire scene unfold as I go higher and higher into my energetic high-rise home. In fact, I am profoundly giggling inside while smiling deeply on the outside. I see this scenario as perfect, showing me how I can be empowered and joyful in a very disruptive environment.
Insight Inventories
In fact, as I sit here giggling I take inventory on my experience during the ceremony.
I clearly see how this entire ceremony has been a perfect reenactment of the childhood drama of my life. I began the ceremony reconnecting with my joy – symbolizing how I came into this world. However, as the ceremony unfolded, everyone around me was deeply stuck, acting out my childhood world – a world where people were stuck in their head, buying into consensus-reality behaviors, too afraid to access inner feelings, sharing meaningless rational-mind stories, having no heart-based connection, lost in resistance, stuck in emotional denial, blah, blah, blah.
“And I took all of that world, cultural, and religious programming into me, making it my own,” I ponder with a giggle. “I believed it all … I wanted to fit in and be a part of it … but I got stuck in it myself. I too was lost in the consensus reality muck, losing my joy, giving away all of my power to the endless distractions around me.”
“Now that I am back in my joy,” I continue giggling, “I can clearly see that today I have been given a profound gift of seeing my childhood acted out in skit form, showing me how I lost that joy in the cultural shutdown process.”
“And after returning to that high-rise,” I share with Keith, “I am able to reclaim my inner joy, to maintain an inner connection to source, and see how I can be in such an environment without needing to disempower myself in any way – actually filling with more light and love.”
Deeper Understanding
“Remember,” Keith takes the insight deeper, “that the more joy and love that you took in as a child, that the more density you took in from others. At the start of the ceremony today you found your joy and then immediately began to inhale all of the density, the stuck-ness, and emotional denial from all over the porch – and you temporarily became shut down and lost in it yourself.”
“Wow,” I exclaim, “I was not aware of it at the time, but that is exactly what I did today. All of the stuck energy on the porch became my own. I temporarily resumed living in that low-vibe neighborhood all over again. Now that I am back in the high-rise apartment, I am free and giggling, quite excited by the deeper understanding.”
Speaking To Myself
I hang around the until the end, helping to clean up the porch while observing as Keith continues to talk with one young man who refuses to back down in his self-defense and arguments against what I see as Keith’s beautiful and perfect handling of a very interesting situation on the porch. Keith handles the difficult situation with peaceful grace.
Before Tim leaves, I pull him aside and thank him from the bottom of my heart for how he has, in the second consecutive ceremony, played an integral role in my process.
“Thank you for the superhero metaphor,” Tim grins back at me, indicating how my words had also deeply helped him.
“In many ways you are still acting like Clark Kent,” I point out an observation to Tim, “but you are Superman, Wolverine, Spiderman, and all of those magical heroes combined … trust yourself … ignore all of the craziness that shut you down … trust your magic.”
I realize that as I speak these words to Tim, I am also speaking a profound truth to myself – a truth that I need to hear.
I soon wrap my arms around this beautiful young man to give him a short hug. I have a standing rule that I rarely break – a rule that I do not release a hug until the other person does so first. My heart giggles as this beautiful and blossoming young man hangs on with genuine warmth for nearly ten minutes. I love hugs.
Density-Dominated Ego
As I later finish a dinner of yummy rice and beans, I have an “aha moment” while briefly meditating about an amazing day.
“Healthy masculine energy is in no way related to distorted rational-mind control,” I ponder with a burst of insight. “True masculine energy includes the healthy strength and power that I require to fuel and power my heart.”
“And yes, rational mind is healthy too – it is simply not the tool to use for most inner work,” I giggle with insight. “That dominating, doubting, needing-validation voice that has controlled my life is NOT my masculine side, nor is it my rational mind. THAT voice is the density-dominated ego that masquerades and pretends to be those other parts of me – giving them a bad reputation while confusing me and causing more inner self-hatred and dysfunction.”
From Sordid To Inspired
In a breath of fresh air, I am able to spend Thursday, June 7, in a combination of very intense writing, social discussion, and even participating with Keith in a Skype chocolate ceremony involving a group of five young friends back in Utah.
I love the evening Skype session – a session where I am able to maintain a beautiful high-energy connection – and I giggle at the fact that I have been able to spend a peaceful day of writing while lovingly integrating many distractions. It is not until Friday morning, however, that I finish final touches on one of my most intense and difficult-to-write blogs ever – one titled “Sordid Social Secrets.”
It is profoundly healing and integrating to finally share that story with the world – a story of how a confused twelve-year-old Bobby literally destroyed his social confidence, creating a lifelong nightmare for himself in one single act of unspeakable curiosity.
I find deep peaceful closure as I finally click the publish button on this once-frightening piece of writing. My shame has been shared with the world – a shame that is now replaced by profound self-love and deep intuitive clarity – clarity that such a horrifying experience was a divinely guided and supporting part of my chosen life path, and that as painful as it was, it actually served me in ways I can not possibly fathom.
Not My Own
The Friday afternoon chocolate ceremony repeats a pattern that has recently boggled my mind. As I assist in distributing the chocolate to the group, I note with interest that there are ten men and only three women present, including me. And one of those women, while quite feminine, has a very left-brain, rational-mind, masculine air about her.
As I sit looking around the porch, I ponder the obvious metaphor of a porch dominated by masculine energy, curious as to how this fact may affect the flow of my process today.
To my delight, during the “Glow Meditation,” Tim again begins to access deep laughter – pure little-boy happiness. As it did on Wednesday, Tim’s energy begins to rub off on me, and I decide to ride his wave.
As I quietly giggle, I am feeling connected to Higher Energies, but I also experience a deep feeling of being stuck – a feeling that flows through me with power. I postulate that this is emotion that I am “reading from others” – that maybe it comes from many of the stuck men on the porch. (This is not a judgment – it is a perceptive observation.)
I struggle not to judge myself for having these perceptions, because the emotions are so strong that I find it hard not to believe they are my own.
Stuck Heavy Energy
After opening meditations, Keith first engages in inner work with one of the women on the porch – helping her in a layer of beautiful growth and opening. Keith then surprises me when he randomly turns back to work with me.
“I am feeling a lot of that joy and connection to the light again today,” I explain my state to Keith. “I am trying to remain in that high-rise vibration … but I’m really struggling today with what feels like a strong feeling of stuck-ness and resistance flowing through me. I do not believe it is mine, but the emotion is overwhelming.”
To my delight, Keith quickly confirms that I am acting as a ground for the energies of the group – that the stuck energy that I feel is NOT mine – that I am picking it up from an intense stuck-ness on the porch and am having a hard time separating it from my own feelings.
“There is a very strong energy of stuck-ness here today,” Keith then announces to the whole porch.
Keith then turns to work briefly with a man who is dramatically and joyfully swirling energy around the porch. The man first expresses guilt about not working with his own density, but Keith encourages him, telling him that he is doing the same thing that I am doing – trying to help with the stuck energy on the porch today.
Stuck Beginnings
Keith then begins to work with a man who is deeply shut down. The man pretends to be doing some inner work, asking Keith to help him go deeper. But as Keith attempts to guide him, the man argues and begins to scam himself. I perceive the self-scamming situation quite clearly, and am not at all surprised when Keith immediately moves on to work with the next man – simply choosing to not further engage with someone who does not want to listen.
To my shock, the next man, who is a first timer, suddenly starts talking about construction issues. Adding to my shock, Keith engages the man in nonstop construction discussions for more than fifteen minutes.
By now, I see this clearly as being some type of intentional behavior on Keith’s part – an inspired role-play designed to make a point in some way. My interest perks up considerably as I ponder what the message might be for me.
After briefly talking to two more men who also have no interest in doing inner work, Keith moves on to chat with the third woman on the porch.
Reality-Creation Mirrors
“I’m feeling very frustrated today,” the woman begins to angrily complain. “You started doing work with so-and-so (the man who was clearly self-scamming) and then, just when he was about to go somewhere, you ignored him, just walking away. Then you wasted a lot of time talking with the next man about construction.”
“Why are you frustrated?” Keith turns the question back to this woman, not accepting any of the blame that she is throwing at him. “Why don’t you go inside and find out! Imagine a basket in front of you. Use what you find in that basket to help you, blah, blah, blah …”
This woman quickly goes into meditation with an angry look on her face. When, after a few minutes, her eyes are still closed, Keith moves on.
I giggle inside as I realize that I am witnessing an external mirror of something that happened to me more than a year ago – a day when I had expressed deep frustration and annoyance to Keith about huge distractions and disruptions on the porch.
“Brenda,” Keith had responded on that long-ago day, doing so in a way that shocked me. “You created those distractions. Why did you do that?”
That was perhaps the first time I really began to grasp the concept that I actually do create or allow everything in my reality. I love having that initial lesson reinforced in such a beautiful external mirror. In this moment now, I am almost giggling as I clearly recognize that in some way, I am also participating in creating the weirdness on the porch today, and I am eager to discover why.
It Hurts
After working with another young man who actually takes his inner journey seriously, Keith then turns to the next man – a man who immediately launches into a long and nonstop string of storytelling (not Tim).
As I listen to this mind-boggling and distracting storytelling, I am actually beginning to feel quite crazy inside. I clearly see this whole scenario as a beautifully scripted personal episode of “The Muppet Show,” and for a long while now I have been imagining myself sitting with the two older white-haired men in the balcony, cracking jokes as they observe the show – but what I am repeatedly observing is beginning to trigger deep and painful emotions. I cannot stand watching this stage play any longer – even though I clearly KNOW it is a setup personally designed for my benefit. It is emotionally painful and it hurts … it HURTS … I am struggling to observe with non-attachment because the surfacing emotions are powerful.
But at this point, I still do not get it – I still do not understand why I am observing this scenario.
Shocking Insights
Finally, Keith interrupts this incessantly rambling young man, stopping him in his tracks and telling him that his storytelling is how he unloads his empath density.
The young man immediately launches into another defensive round of nonstop storytelling, explaining why he is right, not paying any attention to what Keith just told him. I can clearly see the power of this young man’s head-talk and it is driving me crazy.
“This young man’s emotions are driving me insane,” I ponder silently as I squirm in my seat. “Get out of your fricking head and listen to Keith. I cannot handle your stuck craziness.”
I can’t believe I am thinking these thoughts. The rational-mind chatter really is causing me intense discomfort. The young man’s denial and self-scamming is agonizing. I cannot detach from the reality of it. I want to speak up and stop him myself.
Finally, Keith convinces the young man to stop the stories and to go deeper. As the young man eventually begins to bring in Higher Energies, I too start to feel considerably lighter and more peaceful.
“Wow, I can literally feel, in my own body, the difference in this young man’s energy,” I ponder with giggling shock. “I get it. I am taking on his emotion as REAL EMOTION.”
Eye-Opening Experiential Understanding
“I have spent all of these months wondering when I would figure out how to energetically distinguish the emotions of others, expecting to sense such emotion as some type of energetic vibration that I would learn to interpret,” I ponder with flashing insights. “All of this time I have been feeling those emotions in a way that was so profound and clear that it was driving me crazy. It was so close and personal to me, so common, that I could not see it.”
“I don’t feel the emotions of others via some energetic ‘woo-woo’ vibration,” I reinforce the realization. “I actually feel the emotions of others as if they literally ARE my emotions – MY pain – MY frustration – MY judgment – MY sadness.”
“Duh!” I giggle with delight. “I have been taking in all of this emotional stuff throughout my entire life, thinking that everything I felt was originating inside my own dysfunction – deeply experiencing the pains of others, believing them to be my own.”
“I literally do feel the emotions of others as if they are actually MY emotions,” I repeat to myself several times, hoping to strengthen the lesson.
Compassionate Understanding
Suddenly, it all makes sense. For six months, I have been learning to let my own past childhood and teenage emotions run through me. I am finally quite clear that when I can fully recognize such emotions as not belonging to my present-day reality, and to instead allow them to flow through me with nonattachment and non-identification, that they can be released without becoming reenergized as “being real in the now.”
The same thing is true in working with the densities of others. I need to recognize when something I feel is not my own. Then I can simply feel it and let it flow, without owning it, without internalizing it as my own.
“No wonder I thought I was such a loser as a child,” I ponder with a giggle. “What I felt was profoundly real, and at that age I could not possibly have understood that everything I felt was not mine.”
Almost immediately, I go deep into meditation and focus on sending love and compassion to my inner children – finally understanding in a deeper way what they actually went through. Tears of compassion stream down my cheeks.
Finding The Inner Pain
“Brenda,” Keith soon interrupts. “I can tell you are deeply connected to this young man’s process. Do you want to help him to release this emotional density?”
“Give me a minute,” I ask as I dry up my tears. “This is really powerful for me and I am quite emotional as I send love to my child.”
“Is this why I have had such a hard time on the porch all this time?” I ask after quickly sharing my insights with Keith.
Keith doesn’t answer directly, but I know the answer is yes. Every time I take in someone else’s emotion, I deeply empathize with the pain, believing it to be my own. After digging inside, searching through my own vast personal reservoirs of emotional density, I always find my version of that same pain in me. I do not give up until I heal that pain, feeling it to the core. Because of my God drama and refusal to allow assistance of the light, I have slogged through the swamp, processing every one of these emotions the hard way.
I am so anxious to heal the God drama, to fully allow the assistance of the light, so that I can transmute my own remaining densities to the level where I no longer attach to every empath emotion as being my own.
Running It Through Me
Soon, I join Keith in assisting the young man who had been storytelling on my stage.
I silently express my intent for the emotional energy to come toward me, and to then go up or down to its higher evolvement. But immediately I feel sharp pains in my high heart and lower throat regions.
“Keith, do I still have that metaphorical assemblage point pulled inside so that this density is running through me?” I ask with a grimace.
“Yes, Brenda,” Keith acknowledges, “you HAVE put it back inside you again.”
As I continue assisting, I focus on relaxing my body while asking my heart and my inner children to please help move that energy-collecting center back out in front of my body where it belongs.
“Can you help me understand why I have so many pains in my high heart and throat right now?” I ask Keith.
“The density that is running through you is trying to run up to your crown, but you have it choked off at your throat, and only part of it is moving.” Keith provides beautiful feedback, reassuring me that some of the density is actually leaving me.
An Energetic Experiment
“Shut all of this energetic flow down and see what happens to your solar plexus,” Keith suddenly guides me through an experiment.
I am shocked when, within about ten to twenty seconds, my solar plexus begins to hurt dramatically and I feel quite nauseas. Over time, the intensity of the pains and nausea build stronger and stronger.
“This is what happens when you eat the density,” Keith points out. “What is running through you is trying to go up, but you are restricting it.”
Soon, I reverse the experiment and express my intention for the energy to flow again. I still have blockages and restrictions – making the process less than smooth. But I am thrilled by the added understanding that is already bringing greater clarity.
As I return to work with the young man in front of me, my hands are prickly and tingly – and I simultaneously feel an increasing lightness in my own body, even in the solar plexus.
This experience is totally different from what I have expected things to be like. But the personal experience – one that is unique to me – is very real and undeniable.
True Observation
As Keith moves on to work with someone else, I observe while holding a large smoky-quartz crystal in my lap – a crystal that Keith often tells people has a Higher Being teacher inside. In the past, I have felt frustrated while trying to work with this crystal, expecting it to somehow speak to me, but never receiving any such communication.
Suddenly I realize that I need simply express my intention and then pay attention in a way that I do clearly trust – listening to what I call my intuition.
And wow, the intuitions that result are beautiful!
“I have been trying to observe what I am calling the ‘stage-play’ or ‘Muppet Show’ all these years,” I ponder with sudden clarity. “But all along, what has really been happening is that I have been emotionally EXPERIENCING that ‘Muppet Show’ on the inside. I have been thinking of observation as a rational-mind task, when in reality observation is an intense multidimensional sensory task.”
Wow, what an incredible shift of perception to realize that true observation is not something done with rational mind.
Complicated Clarity
As clarity consumes me – clarity that watching my stage-plays has always been a head-job in the past – my face lights up with giggles as I glance to look at Keith.
At that exact instant, Keith suddenly turns around and grins at me. He even mentions that his guidance tells him that I have learned something new. I quickly respond by eagerly filling him in on my progress.
“You are continuing to unravel the puzzle with deeper and deeper insights and understanding,” Keith congratulates me with a huge grin on his face.
As Keith works with someone else a short while later, I experience another sudden flash of understanding.
“The reason I struggle so much with trying not to judge others, especially when the betrayal energy is triggered, is that when I take something in from someone – it actually hurts – and I resent the pain at a deep subconscious level. I believe the pains to be emotionally attacking me in a very uncomfortable way. It is complicated, but at a deep level, I do know that I felt good before being around that person, and that I later felt painfully wounded after they unloaded their hurtful energy onto me. How could I not judge and blame them.”
“No wonder I have perception so tightly hooked with judgment,” I ponder deeper. “My version of perception causes me to actually hurt in deep ways when perceiving the emotions of others. I am not just perceiving their energy – I am feeling it – and it hurts.”
A Pain In The Neck
As I begin to ponder my journey with judgment and being an empath, I realize that today, I spent the first several hours struggling to remain in the high-rise vibrations. I was clearly feeling that connection to the light – clearly recognizing the unfolding stage play as being exactly that – but still struggling deeply with ever-increasing and inexplicable emotion as I found myself feeling judgment toward stuck people, and then feeling guilty about it.
“How could I not feel such judgment when I was emotionally hurting so much in ways that rational mind could not explain?” I ponder the paradox. “I really want to clean this up … to stop bringing so much emotional pain inside me … to stop believing such emotion to be my own. This gives me quite the incentive.”
As I sit in this motivated-but-painfully-confused state, attempting to meditate in silence, Keith eventually reaches over and touches the back of my neck with his left hand.
At first, nothing happens, but I know there must be a reason he feels guided to share energy with this location on my neck. Immediately, I focus all meditative attention to the same place.
Soon, I feel the pains from the lower front of my throat move further back and up, doing so in small increments. Each time I sense the pains move, I experience a strong “kicked in the stomach” feeling that leaves me almost breathless and deeply emotional. I am not sure what this is about, but WOW, I recognize the feelings that surface as including deep fear and deep emotional pain.
“This is related to taking in density through the third eye and storing it in my solar plexus,” I ponder incoming intuitions. “When that happens, the density has to flow through the neck. It only makes sense that I would have blocked it there.”
Something To Write About
“If I open this reverse flow in my neck, will I hurt even more?” I query Keith with a concerned look.
“Keep observing and following breadcrumbs,” Keith responds with a diversion.
Eventually, as I relax more, I get the intuitive guidance to further connect with the light. As I meditatively invite increased light and love, the energies at the top of my head become more active and I experience what I can only describe as peaceful and cool vibrations – like a breath of cool air – now flowing from the base of my spine all the way to the top of my head. The sensation is nothing extreme – just a nice feeling of vibrating energy that is pleasant and peaceful.
I remain in this beautiful and peaceful place, experiencing this very nice energy, not wanting to move until everyone else leaves.
“Wow, for the second ceremony in a row, you really have something to write about.” Keith soon congratulates me.”
“Yeah,” I respond with amazement.
“You can sit here as long as you like,” Keith shares with a grin as he steps into his kitchen to take care of evening chores.
High-Rise Habitation
Friday evening, after completing notes and gobbling down a quick plate of rice and beans, I want nothing more than to continue basking in the glow of beautiful energy and deep insights.
Saturday, June 9, 2012, as I write and publish “Trust And Anticipation,” I feel what is now a different and unfamiliar flow of energy. It is actually quite pleasant, but very active. The energy is so new and disorienting that I clearly recognize another reason why, as a child, I would have shut it all down.
It has been a beautiful six days of passionately publishing four blogs, while experiencing mind-boggling growth and insights from two very unusual chocolate ceremonies – each of which was highly dominated by the presence of stuck masculine energy.
In both ceremonies, I began by riding the wave of Tim’s joyful laughter, accessing the high-rise habitation of love and light energies – only to find myself later sinking inexplicably into the emotional pains of the group around me. Finally, in each of the similar-but-different experiences, I was able to return to the high-rise, basking in the glow of profound new insights.
Tale Of Two Ceremonies
In that first ceremony, I accessed profound new clarity as to why joy has been so shut down in my life. But as a result of the second, I am finally beginning to understand with complicated clarity, the subtle and confusing way in which my empath abilities have caused me so much pain and confusion throughout my life.
While I have acquired great understanding and experience in areas I never dreamed possible, I continue to have a strong tendency to turn a blind eye to my emotional ‘binge-eating’ – yet I am clearly headed in the right direction. I now understand why I eat so much emotional density, stuffing it in my belly, and believing it to be my own. And I am well on my way toward partnering more closely with the light in clearing out my own densities so that I will be able to work with the emotions of others in a nonattached and non-identified way.
I still seem to run the dense, dark, yucky stuff through me, eating and storing much of it in my solar plexus. But that binge-eating behavior is rapidly being exposed to the light … rapidly on its way out.
Copyright © 2012 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved