Brenda's Bicycles

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled “White Bird.”

Early Monday morning, I spend several hours watching videos from an Esther/Abraham Hicks workshop. I often find deep inspiration from the words of Abraham, and today is no exception.

In one particular segment, Abraham uses the metaphor of someone falling out of a plane from 50,000 feet, pointing out that in the middle of such a state of emotional meltdown, the best thing to do is to be patient and not panic … trusting that it will all be over soon. Abraham suggests that it is quite difficult to reconnect with Source energy in the middle of the trauma, but once there is time for a rest or break, that is the perfect time to find your way back into energetic balance. Abraham frequently suggests that the most important thing is to focus on your resonance with Source energy.

“That is exactly what I am doing right now in my own process,” I peacefully ponder. “I am temporarily setting aside my previous focus on healing past trauma, and am placing emphasis on finding higher vibrations, bringing in self-love and self-acceptance … loving myself as doing the very best I know how.”

Ouch … who would have thought that this video exploration and meditation was all a setup for my own emotional jump out of a 50,000 foot plane?

Seeds Of Betrayal

On this Monday morning, January 7, 2013, I show up at Keith’s magical porch a full thirty minutes before the start of our work-group gathering. After yesterday’s massive crowd, I want to be sure we have time to set up before people arrive. Once the setup is complete, I place my stuff in my usual preferred spot, on the ground, with a wall at my back, directly next to Keith’s kitchen door. This is my favorite place on the porch. I love it because I can assist in greeting people, making introductory announcements, and serving chocolate, while at the same time, having back support and a place to cross my legs and/or stretch them out as needed. My legs often cramp and I cannot sit for five or six hours in most places on Keith’s porch without ending up physically hurting.

To my shock, Keith suddenly approaches me with a suggestion.

“Brenda,” Keith surprises me, “we think you should sit somewhere else today. After watching the beautiful magic you did yesterday when you got out of your seat to work with your friend from Europe, we think it would be good for your process to mix it up a little bit, just to see what might happen.”

Keith implies that I am too attached to my seat, and that this attachment is holding me back from growth that will happen if I move.

“I absolutely know that I worked magic yesterday after moving to work with my friend from Europe,” I ponder with clarity. “But I also absolutely know that EVERY time I have ever felt guided to work with someone, I have stood up and moved to their seat so that I could do so. Most of the time, while working on my own process, I focus a great deal of love toward holding group space, and on the rare occasion that guidance takes me elsewhere, I DO follow that guidance.”

Immediately, I struggle to fight back feelings of being misjudged and attacked. On the surface, all of the reasons provided sound legitimate and make a great deal of sense – but none of them take into account what is really going on in my soul. The reasons feel as if they are coming from logic and rational observation without considering MY heart … MY intentions … MY needs.

“Who is this ‘WE’ that Keith is referring to when he says ‘WE think you should sit somewhere else today…” I ponder with resentment.

I feel as if a conspiracy of attack has been waged against me – as if a group of friends have gotten together to consult with Keith, telling him that I am bad and need to be reprimanded. “Betrayal hooks” are dangling all over in front of me, begging me to bite, begging me to feel hurt and helpless.

The only thing that helps me keep my sanity is the fact that when Keith is channeling my guides, he often uses the term “WE,” because he is in collaboration with my guides.

Pondering Intentions

As I sit on a narrow bench, on a different part of the porch, I immediately go inside to seek inner connection – to ask my heart if I might be scamming myself – if perhaps Keith’s words might be legitimate. My heart feels deeply peaceful that there is absolutely no ego involved in my seat preference – that I have pure and innocent intentions of wanting to serve in the best way I can while at the same time maintaining a tiny bit of physical comfort. After all, it is physically difficult to sit on the ground for five to six hours straight, over and over again for five days per week.

I quickly engage in two different forms of self-muscle-testing, looking for another form of self-checking my intentions. Each time I test, the result repeatedly confirms what I already know – that my heart is pure, that my intentions are genuine, and that the only reason for sitting where I do is personal preference – that it is not impeding my process – that it is not keeping me from working with others – and that I would (and do) gladly shift seats when intuitions call me to work with someone else.

“And I am NOT protecting my space,” I ponder. “Yesterday, when we had 53 people on the porch, I encouraged five people to squeeze into this tiny section of wall. I was so tightly squished that I could neither cross my legs, nor stretch them out, and I felt extremely claustrophobic. I completely sacrificed my own comfort for the good of others. In no way was that protecting my space. Even with my shoulder hurting deeply, I encouraged people to crowd around me, doing so with love and compassion, coping with the discomfort as best I could.”

Peaceful Loving Protests

Still before the ceremony begins, Keith walks by the bench where I am seated.

“Keith,” I speak up humbly. “I have repeatedly checked my heart and my guidance, and I do not resonate with any of the reasons you gave me about why you want me to try sitting somewhere else.”

“Just try it and see what happens,” Keith quickly responds with kindness.

“This does not resonate with me at all,” I again speak to Keith a few minutes later. “I keep going inside, over and over again, and do not find any valid connection with what you are telling me.”

Keith quickly pauses for a minute, lovingly double-checking his own guidance.

“Just do it and see what happens,” Keith gently reassures me to trust him.

Going Inside

With the purest of intentions, I surrender to Keith’s guidance, still not agreeing. I take the external stage play inside of me, trying to let go of what is happening outside of me.

“I am feeling deeply mis-accused,” I ponder. “I know the purity and innocence of my intentions, my heart, my behavior, and my desire to serve.”

“What does this remind me of?” I ask with genuine soul searching.

Suddenly, I realize that this is all an agonizing setup for God drama scenarios from childhood. As a magical child, all of this was done to me. I cannot materialize actual physical memories, but the emotions surging through me are profoundly real, clearly from my own childhood, and agonizingly familiar.

“When I was a child, I tried to be my pure and innocent magical self,” I ponder with deep emotional clarity, “but I was misinterpreted and misjudged, told that what I was doing was wrong, self-serving, and in ego. I tried to defend myself, and ultimately felt intensely betrayed by those who should have understood my genuine heart. My integrity was challenged by ‘sleeping’ adults, authority figures who wanted me to be a conforming, obedient sheep. I did not understand the way they treated me. It hurt; I resisted; I was judged, made wrong, verbally slammed, and suffered intense emotional agony.”

That Funky State

As I continue sitting uncomfortably on the bench, the inner triggering is intense … so intense and uncomfortable that I absolutely want to stand up and just leave. My God-drama betrayal has blindsided me, triggering me in an unexpected, strong, and forceful way. The external stage play setup is remarkably clear – and I easily see the tie-in with the Abraham videos I watched this morning.

“Right now I am emotionally falling from that 50,000 foot airplane,” I ponder the emotions surging through me. “I can try to fight the feeling, or simply get out of the way, observing and gently loving myself in this process, all the while trusting that it will be over soon. Then I will be able to reconnect with Source – something that, right now in this intense emotional state, is extremely difficult, if not impossible to do.”

The emotional hooks dangling in front of my heart are intense and tempting. I know I can go down there into that putrid betrayal loop. I know that if I do that right now I WILL get lost for a few days while I try to heal. A sense of stark reality tells me that if I do get lost down there again, I may metaphorically drown in that emotional swamp, never returning to Keith’s porch, ever again.

Just as the ceremony is about to get underway, Keith again stops by the bench to check on me. I feel his sense of loving concern, and his genuine acknowledgment of my intense energetic struggle. It is obvious that he can feel what is going on inside me.

“Wow, Brenda,” Keith smiles with a caring tone, “your job today is to feel this and not go into that funky state.”

Before Keith disappears again, I wipe back a few tears and quickly bring him up to date on the inner journey with which I am now engaged – one of deep childhood betrayal – one of experiencing the very real agony of that betrayal while trying to remember the purity and innocence of a magical and misunderstood child.

“I know I can find peace,” I ponder quietly, trying to balance myself.

“But I feel wronged,” the overwhelming inner debate continues. “I want my validation and apology first.”

Every attempt to close my eyes and connect with Source meets with intense difficulty and angry distraction. A multitude of hooks are dangling in front of me, each laced with juicy tempting bait.

Tenuous Peace Amidst Betrayal

I sit engulfed with this inner pain for a long time. My seating arrangement grows increasingly uncomfortable. Around twenty-five people crowd the porch, leaving me few options to move to a more comfortable space. And with this many people, I feel little hope of getting help with my inner agony.

At no time, however, do I lose sight of the profound and magical setup that has taken me to this painful place. Something inside deeply trusts that help will be provided when, and where it is needed.

Eventually, through simply observing and allowing rather than fighting my emotions, I reach a state where I have found some fleeting peace and a scant connection to Higher Love. I do this by working using Bobby-bear to help me reconnect with my inner children – to their beautiful purity and innocence.

It literally seems that everything on the porch today is designed to trigger me – and of course, it is. One friend’s behavior feels as if she is throwing energetic darts at me. Another young man’s behavior is dramatic and overflows with a fixing energy. Other people are getting deep attention, and here I am, physically hurting from uncomfortable seating, feeling the hooks of perceived abandonment dangling prominently in my face.

As peace comes and goes, I repeatedly imagine myself falling from that airplane, just getting out of the way, trusting that this will be over soon, and that I will again reconnect to Source in magical ways.

Finally, as I tenuously reach this state, Keith glances at me and acknowledges that I am now in a very good space. I appreciate these words of validation. I clearly understand that I am in that “wham, wham, wham” state of letting go of my God drama and having everything energetically come at me, all at once, so that I can prove to myself that I am no longer taking the bait. Even in this tenuous peaceful state, the betrayal energy continues to intensely stomp up a storm inside of me. Finally, I get Keith’s attention and ask a question.

Through The Doorway

“Keith,” I beg for answers, “I am confused. I know I need to go to the bottom and feel this betrayal to transmute it … but I also know that I must no longer take the bait that takes me to the bottom. On top of that, I absolutely KNOW that if I go down there, I WILL get lost in it.”

“You will,” Keith lovingly acknowledges. “Instead of going down there, just open the door and send some of the love that is coming in right now down through the doorway.”

As I sit by myself, visualizing this new metaphor of remaining above, in my peaceful state while sending love down the passage to the betrayal below, I struggle to maintain my tenuous Higher Source connection. Unimaginable terror knocks on my heart – terror of even having those doors open in my heart while sending that love to the depths below.

Something inside is frightened of the vulnerability that this open door poses.

I sit in this beautiful meditation for perhaps another half hour. The inner peace and love are beautiful and empowering, but my physical discomfort is increasingly unbearable. In my new state of loving empowerment, I decide that I deserve to be comfortable – and that I love myself enough to give me what I deserve.

Admiring Energy

Trying not to disrupt too much on the porch, I gather up my belongings, step over people to retrieve an unused green camping chair stashed away in a room on one end of the porch, and then climb over everyone to take my chair to the steps on the other end of the porch. After rearranging shoes and bags, I plop myself down in my new space. I am slightly disconnected from the rest of the group, but am in comfort at last.

As I again check in with myself, I am surprised to note that all of my former emotion has vanished.

“Did I just push it down?” I ponder. “Or did it really leave me now?”

Keith soon looks at me and gives me a glowing “thumbs up.”

“I was physically hurting and needed a space where I can be comfortable,” I quickly share with Keith. “I am now feeling really peaceful, but wondering if I just pushed the emotion down, or if perhaps it is gone now?”

“I’m just admiring your energy,” Keith responds with a big grin.

Keith goes on to explain that he is proud of me for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.

“I think you are doing really well,” Keith congratulates my new energy.

Delicate Tightrope Walking

A while later, as I walk across the porch toward the bathroom, Keith announces to everyone that they are welcome to participate in an energy upgrade – one from their own Higher Energies.

When I soon return to my seat to join the process, I am shocked by the level of inner anger that suddenly surfaces. It is an intense raging F@ck-you level of anger at God.

“I don’t want your eff-ing upgrade,” The profane anger silently rages, seemingly from out of nowhere. “You bastard, you betrayed me.”

“Wow,” I ponder with shock. “I am blown away by this emotion.”

In my head, I want the upgrade, but apparently, the emotional part of me really does not. I do my best to maintain balance while shifting my focus toward releasing the anger that just spouted off inside me. I recognize that this is real, deeply hurt emotion, profoundly angry about the killing of my magical connections. Eventually Keith makes eye contact with me, and I explain what just happened.

“Brenda,” Keith responds casually. “You do not want the upgrade.”

“Keith,” I respond. “I fully own that I am doing this. I am just shocked by the intensity of how strong the anger and refusal to cooperate are. Can you give me any help with this?”

“Brenda,” Keith responds with genuine caring. “I don’t know how to help you.”

I feel deeply annoyed that when Keith makes a statement like this, one he has done five or ten times in the last eight months. In my current state, I perceive a level of complete detachment radiating from him. I clearly know that Keith is coming from a genuine place of unconditional love, knowing that I will be fine no matter what I do, and that he is not going to force guidance where none is being provided to him. But, in my state of confusion, it is profoundly difficult not to latch onto this, and to twist it around into my own drama – a drama of being abandoned and ignored – a drama of how my teacher is now not going to help me, blah, blah, blah. In this inner state of drama, I want to project all over Keith for simply (and beautifully) playing the other end of my script.

“I am not going to take this bait,” I remind myself with loving compassion. “I know this is my projection … my abandonment pain pushed outward … my need for outside help because I am too pathetic to connect directly to Source, etc…”

For about fifteen minutes, I again journey through the surface layers of that mucky, yucky, betrayal swamp, skirting the edges of that tempting betrayal energy, delicately walking the tightrope of observing myself, learning what I do and why I do it, while not biting the hooks.

Filling With Self-Love

Eventually, I return to a state of great peace and clarity. Rather than dive into the swamp, I have found a state of presence while looking out at the lake from my camp chair, meditatively reminding myself of the magical adventure on which I am traveling … of my determination to heal … and congratulating myself with massive amounts of self-love and self-validation.

“Brenda,” I tell myself while imagining a mirror, “I am so proud of you for your journey … for your purity and innocence in your stuckness … for having the courage to continue with this process rather than running away from it … for having the courage to be publicly humiliated in an environment where you have felt like everyone must surely be judging you as someone who should not feel betrayal, etc…”

I repeatedly congratulate myself, reminding myself that my process is perfect for me, that I have done the best I know how during every step of this journey … doing so with pure intention, genuine motivation … documenting my failures and successes for the world to see … pushing forward anyway, doing so with love and determination to heal and be unconditional love.

I find great peace in this self-love meditation, but am suddenly shocked by sharp pains at that nail-in-my heart spot – pains that rapidly intensify.

Long-Term Channels

Soon, Keith looks at me, pointing to his abdomen, and asking, “Can you feel that?” I clearly understand he is reading someone else’s pain, and is coaching me to be aware of my own “energy reading.”

“No,” I initially respond. “My heart is really hurting and shutdown right in the center.”

I place my finger on my heart, physically pressing where the pain is. But as I press, I realize that the pain is lower than I think. As I follow the pain with my finger, it seems to keep moving down, right to the same spot to where Keith is pointing on his own abdomen.

Soon, another magical young woman begins to deeply sob. Keith quickly shares with the rest of us that many of us are feeling HER intense agony. The moment that I think about this and acknowledge my empath ability, my heart suddenly stops hurting and my abdomen relaxes greatly.

“Wow,” I ponder with shock, “I was sucking in her pain, again believing someone else’s pain to be mine. I wonder if some of what contributed to my process today was again partially eating the emotionally density of others.”

Keith soon coaches this young woman to realize that she has established a permanent empath channel with someone in her life, and that the channel is so painful because she is trying to protect herself, trying to keep the energies at bay rather then letting them flow to transmutation.

“Do I do this too?” I ponder internally.

I soon realize that, “Yes, I do.” I have a permanent guilt connection that remains open with many beautiful family members and a few others. After my major life transitions more than fifteen years ago, I tried to claim everyone’s pain as my own, as if I energetically jumped on a land mine so that no one else would have to suffer from the emotional effects of what I needed to do to follow my own journey. I could not prevent their suffering, but I did, and sometimes still do, inhale as much external pain and guilt as I can, trying to minimize the struggles of others that I dearly love.

I watch as this young woman easily releases her energetic connections and clears out her emotional basket. At the same time, I struggle, recognizing that some of my own emotional stuff is leaving, but seeing myself as somewhat incompetent in working with these energies.

“I am not talking this ‘I-am-a-loser’ bait,” I again catch myself on the edge of diving into the swamp.

More Opportunities

“Wow,” Keith grins at me when the ceremony is over.

“Can you elaborate more than just ‘wow’?” I ask, curious as to his perceptions of my journey.

“You had repeated opportunities today to take the bait and to go into the loop … and you managed to stay above it,” Keith congratulates me. “You will have several more opportunities in the future … if not here, then somewhere else.”

As I hear Keith suggest that I am not done with my “wham, wham, wham” process of betrayal opportunities, my heart momentarily shrinks and cowers.

“Please,” I beg Keith, “do not trigger any of it intentionally via role plays.”

“I didn’t trigger it intentionally,” Keith responds honestly.

In my heart, I know Keith is speaking from integrity and truth. I never learn the story of who the “WE” are that wanted me to sit somewhere else, but I clearly see today as a profoundly beautiful stage play in which Keith was simply and innocently following his own guidance – guidance that was exactly what was needed to trigger me where I needed to go.

“Can I please sit back in my regular seat on Wednesday?” I beg Keith. “I still do not resonate with any of the reasons you shared for why I needed to move in the first place.”

“You can sit anywhere you like,” Keith grins back at me.

An Inner Journey

As I walk home, I am surprised by further betrayal hooks – hooks fully loaded with juicy bait – that are dangling in front of me. I again review the events of today, seeing them all as perfect – yet the inner ego storyteller in me is livid that any of the painful events had to happen in the first place. This inner chatter wants to blame, to find a conspiracy of ‘others’ who were gossiping about my preferred seating etc…

I clearly recognize the importance of Keith’s relationship rules … that this inner drama has nothing to do with Keith or any other person … and that it is not at all about anything to do with seating arrangements. On the contrary, it is indeed a painful inside job, stemming from childhood. Trying to further talk about this issue with Keith would only serve to dig a hole deeper. I do not need that validation from Keith. He too was in pure integrity, simply playing along with his guidance. This is MY journey on the inside – a journey that I will NOT project onto anyone else.

After dinner, I continue to be shocked by the level of inner chatter trying to make wrong and undo all of my magical growth from today – trying to find external blame and stir up present events – demanding validation and apology, blah, blah, blah.

I clearly recognize that no matter how healed I am right now, that this chatter is powerful and intense. In deep self-honesty, I see a long-term pattern where, many times over the past year, similar intense events have brought magical growth on Keith’s porch. And EVERY time, on the morning after, I would awaken in a livid storytelling mode where I was so devastated that I had to walk out to Keith’s porch for a private session where we could talk, and where I could rebuild trust, etc…

“I am not going to go into that obvious loop anymore,” I commit to myself. “Last year, I repeatedly spent days cycling in betrayal every time something like this happened.”

Commitment To A Friend

Soon, I call a dear friend back home, explaining my magical day, explaining the relentless storytelling that is now demanding a listener, and how I refuse to give it an audience. I make a profound commitment to my friend that I will NOT take this bait … that I will be just as happy and peaceful tomorrow as I was at the end of ceremony today.

After ending the conversation, I stand in front of the mirror and repeatedly shower myself with massive self-congratulation – loving myself for being presented with intense betrayal hooks and consistently not biting them – repeatedly finding self-love instead.

“This stuff is still in there,” I ponder with a feeling of apprehension. “I have a good idea of the putrid betrayal pain that yet remains to be released, and I am still largely unable to bring in more light because I know that more light will only cause more of that unreleased pain to manifest.”

I have seen this truth beautifully displayed for me with the recent work of others. When they bring in more light, more of their buried density begins to surface in group.

“No wonder I have been so terrified to connect with more light,” I ponder yet-another reason for the walls that yet block my heart.

Finding Courage

As I attempt to fall asleep, I note that my neighbor has a friend visiting, and they are loudly and happily giggling. Nighttime noise is something that has been another painful source of trauma / drama for me in the past.

Feeling new confidence from my healing, I walk over in my pajamas and knock lightly on my friend’s door. When the door swings open, I communicate with a giggle telling them “I love how you are having so much fun, and please do not stop … I want you to keep giggling … but I would just like to remind you that these walls are extremely thin and I hear everything as if you were giggling inside my own home. Would you please just be aware of the volume levels?”

“I am so terrified to make such feedback,” I then share with my neighbor, “because I always make such a mess of things.”

Both of these beautiful women reassure me that I did wonderfully tonight, and that I was very good at sharing my feelings in a fun way.

Even in this newfound confidence and success, I go to bed with another voice screaming in my head, telling me I am such a loser for needing to ask the neighbors to lower the volume.

“Wow,” I ponder with shock, “This chatter and self-hatred is really convincing.”

Old Dysfunctional Patterns

But as sleep continues to elude me, nonstop chatter overwhelmingly dominates my head. Voices repeatedly demand that I was betrayed today, creating nonstop victim stories. I resist and refuse to bite the hook, but by 11:30 p.m., I actually feel as if I am slipping and falling into the chasm of my loop. It literally feels hopeless, as if I have no conscious say-so in the matter.

In another attempt, I stand in front of a mirror to share self-love for a while, and I then meditate on my floor.

“I created this reality,” I repeatedly remind myself. “I wanted something to show me just how frighteningly powerful that betrayal energy in me can still be. This is showing me the putrid nature of what I continue to deal with … reminding me how I cannot do this healing using rational mind … that I need Higher Love from a direct connection to Source.”

Finally, a half hour later, I successfully return to a place of relaxed loving peace. I feel astounded by the power that these old dysfunctional patterns continue to wield.

Soon, I am fast asleep.

A Magical Choosing

Sometime early Tuesday morning, while still pitch-black outside, a pack of wild barking dogs angrily yip and yap at each other on the walkway below my window. Rather than succumb to the initial annoyance, I remember that I use this metaphor to remind myself of the need for self-love.

Soon, I go into a beautiful and intense meditation where I bring in magical loving energies that fill my body. In the midst of this energy, I fall back to sleep.

A while later I return to a state of half-consciousness. Having only vague memories, I suddenly reach a semi-lucid state in a dream. I realize that I have been journeying to what feels like a different place in time and space – perhaps another dimension. I was with two people. I do not recognize them, but they are a man and a woman. I cannot remember why, but feelings tell me that this woman was an OBGYN – a doctor that delivers babies and works with pregnant women.

Still half in the dream, I realize that I have been to this place before, in this exact same dream, several times. It is very familiar. It is only after this realization comes that most of the details vanish from memory. The only detail that remains is that this couple comes back to my reality with me. But this is different than I remember. I do not remember the woman coming back to this reality with me before.

Very soon, I wake up, feeling confused. This dream seems to make no initial sense.

“The couple in the dream are my parents,” A strong intuitive burst suddenly floods my meditation. “I went to that other dimension in space and time and I found them. They are the ‘baby-birthers’ (OBGYN), and I was the baby. I chose them, and they agreed to be my parents. My mother agreed to play a very painful and dense role in my shutdown process, while my father was smiling, mostly watching.”

“My mother agreed to shut me down in ‘loving’ and extremely subtle strong-willed ways, destroying my magic, unknowingly (at this level) engaging in psychic surgeries, etc…,” the profound understanding just keeps unfolding.

Once this meditation is over, I feel excited. I clearly see that I asked my parents to do this. At least for now, any idea of victim energy seems absolutely ridiculous and silly. The betrayal is obviously my choice.

I clearly remember that while still in that semi-lucid state, that I deeply understood where I was in the dream. At that lucid stage, the details were clear and vivid. But now, vague memories of the dream are all that remain – just enough to reassure me in a profound way that I chose my parents, that I wanted them to do exactly what they did, and that it was all part of MY higher plan.

A Magical Upgrade

I remain in bed for a long time, attempting to remember more details, but they never return. Finally, just before 7:00 a.m., I realize that it is daylight outside.

I feel much lighter energy flowing through me, throughout my body.

“Something is very different,” I ponder with giggles. “Did I just do that shifting-dimension thing Keith sometimes talks about – where I fell asleep in one reality and woke up in another? It sure seems like I did. Something has shifted. I was upgraded in some way. I cannot explain how, why, or what. I just know it.”

Gentle Growth

To my shock and total surprise, it is just a while later when inner freak-out mode returns. Betrayal chatter again begins to rage inside me, desperate for any outside target onto whom I can project – primarily Keith.

I clearly know this is just my God drama raging again – and I am terrified to go deeper into it for fear of getting lost. Finally, a sense of trust tells me that I will be OK, that I CAN do this on the easy bus.

I surrender and allow the emotion to flow freely. Almost immediately I sob and dry-heave energy for about ten seconds. Then I focus on the light and immediately feel better as the emotion just vanishes. Several more waves of this emotion then take turns passing through me. I surrender to each, and then bring in the light. The emotional relief is amazing.

But the incessant chatter continues. I do my best to remain above it, but I feel exhausted from trying. As incomprehensible as they are, the emotions and stories running through me feel as if my best friend betrayed me, just yesterday.

Finally, as a safety valve and self-commitment maneuver, I again call my same dear friend back home, talking for two more hours in a beautiful, connecting, healing conversation. There is no storytelling, no wallowing in victimhood, just magical connecting, describing my crazy inner journey, and asking for space to be held so that I can find the strength to remain in loving magic.

When the beautiful conversation is over, I surrender the rest of my Tuesday to gentle reflection and relaxation, popping up a pot of popcorn, watching movies, and giving myself loving permission to just “be” right where I am.

Purity And Giggles

Wednesday morning, January 9, 2013, I feel quite peaceful, and continue my gentle self-love approach.

I arrive at Keith’s porch at 12:05 p.m., only to giggle again when I find about fifteen people already waiting on the street. I squeeze by them and walk up onto the porch, finding Keith still finishing up a morning private ceremony. When I tell him how many people are already waiting, he ends his ceremony and encourages me to go ahead and set up for the 12:30 p.m. public gathering.

Once things are all set up, and I invite those on the street to come in, I am totally social and giggly as the porch rapidly fills up – all while I sit in my comfy little seat with barely enough room to cross my legs.

To my absolute surprise, we have at least fifty-two people, extremely crowding the porch again. I handle all the logistics on the porch, making announcements, encouraging people to stow belongings and to sit in a way where we can all fit in the same space. Meanwhile, another friend is helping Keith in the kitchen. She soon steps outside and whispers in my ear.

“Brenda, you rock,” She giggles at me.

What an amazing validation for what I am doing – especially after what I manifested for myself in the last two days. I am quite proud of myself. I love my little cushion by the kitchen, and I am having magical fun, serving with purity and giggles.

Teaching And Learning

During this quite emotional and sometimes dramatic ceremony, I hold beautiful space for others. I feel my heart open, and I end up doing some beautiful coaching with a woman squeezed into a two-square-foot area to my right. I help her do some beautiful release and bring in the light. She has deep second-chakra pains, and I can feel them in my own body. I am confident, recognizing that I am reading her energy. I assist her through several very deep layers of emotional release.

At one point, Keith turns to join me in working with her, and I feel deeply validated as I observe his actions – very much in line with what I was also doing.

Later, as a young woman across the porch goes into deep painful release, I feel strongly guided to go occupy an empty seat next to her – one that just barely opened up. When I stand up to move across the porch, I briefly glance at Keith. He locks eyes with me and nods with a big grin.

I repeatedly coach this beautiful woman through painful layers of emotion while teaching her to bring in light to transmute them. When times feel appropriate, I even encourage her to find a giggle to make the process easier.

I can only giggle too, because I realize that I am now teaching people to do something that I have not yet fully mastered – that by teaching someone else to work on the easy bus, I am also increasingly learning to trust the process. In fact, even though I have experienced such easy-bus emotional release a number of times now, it has only been a few days since I realized the intensity of the buried God-drama resistance that still fights back on the inside.

I continue to face God-drama anger that says, “I have to do this myself, on the hard bus,” and “You (God) are the one that hurt me, why would I allow your eff-ing help. I deserve to suffer and wallow in the pain you caused me, blah, blah, blah.”

“Wow,” I giggle to myself, “I think I can finally begin to let this betrayal energy go now.”

Squirt Gun Giggles

With such a large crowd, Keith engages in a series of meditations at the group level, including a number of energetic upgrades from our own Higher Energies.

As I visualize these frequent upgrades, I imagine myself walking up a flight of stairs, leaving my cockroach infested, broken-window home behind while climbing to a higher vibrational mansion. After a while, I leave the stairs behind and imagine an elevator taking me up a level. Part of me remains afraid to open that elevator door and confidently step onto new ground. So, instead, I practice gradual opening, opening that elevator door just a sliver – just enough to allow some Higher Energy to come through into my present state of being.

Later, during a group soul-retrieval meditation, I decide to make it fun. I have learned that smiles make Higher Energies more accessible. Soon, I imagine all of my grandchildren holding little squirt guns. Rather than water, each squirt gun is filled with parts of me that now are ready to come back into me. I repeatedly imagine giggling children squirting me with magical little drops of my self, imagining little drops of cool shivering energy filtering into me in various parts of my abdomen and heart regions.

It is a delightful and imaginative meditation – one that would seem quite strange to a logical mind – but it is very real in the subconscious world. Intuitions tell me that in the process, something did indeed upgrade inside of me.

Growing insight

Near the end, during a late-evening empath training with fifteen noble souls remaining on the porch, I feel more connected to my empath energies than ever before. I actually feel gentle flows of energy moving both through my throat and third-eye chakras, and I feel some of it moving up and some of it moving down – both flows gently leaving my body with ease.

As I ponder this magical growth, I clearly recognize that much of my childhood God-drama betrayal came from such empath abilities – from the intense physical pain that I brought into my body as a result of my magic, and as a result of having no one to teach me what was happening.

“Ultimately, this empath magic is the root of much of my betrayal resistance,” I ponder with growing insight.

Unsolicited Validation

At 6:50 p.m., when things are picked up, put away, and the porch is finally back to a resting state, I give Keith a quick thank-you hug as I prepare to leave.

“Brenda,” Keith grins at me. “I want to give you some much deserved feedback.”

“I really want to congratulate you,” Keith continues. “Your growth is happening in very observable ways.”

Keith then points out a few examples of how, every ceremony, I continue to grow, to heal, and to open my heart, more and more.

I giggle inside as I walk home. I love such unsolicited feedback. It warms my heart. But what makes me giggle even more is that I realize, yet again, that I do not need any such feedback (at least right now) from Keith. I am in such a state of self-love and connectedness that I have all the beautiful validation I need coming from an inner connection to Higher Energies.

Even so, I love the fact that – in a state of no longer craving such validation – I am finally receiving it more genuinely and freely. I am even manifesting several beautiful friendships, effortlessly bringing in social support which now feels so easy and natural.

Grinning And Giggling

Late Wednesday evening, as I finally rest on my pillow, all that silly betrayal stuff of the previous two days seems like nothing but a distant memory from another lifetime.

Yes, in magical and unexpected ways, intense feelings were triggered – feelings that six weeks ago might have caused me to leave San Marcos once and for all. But somehow, with all the magical growth that has occurred in recent times – with all of the light and love I have gradually been opening to – I have made another profound step away from old dysfunctional loops, moving with increasing grace toward that once-illusive easy bus.

Yes, I went through intense mood swings. I struggled and nearly drowned in incessant storytelling chatter, but I never allowed myself to project it externally. I experienced flash floods of old betrayal energy rushing through me, and I withstood the force with courage and love, never losing myself as being a victim.

Through the process, I have gained a new level of respect for the overwhelming power of those old patterns and emotions.

The bait was juicy and tempting, and I nearly fell prey to the clutches of that putrid betrayal swamp – but something was very different this time around. I trusted and loved myself. I owned my inner tantrums, I loved myself through them, and I never doubted myself, not even once.

And here I am … just a day later … grinning and giggling inside … basking in peace, magic, self-love, and compassion, both for myself and others.

As long and arduous as those hard-bus days once were, I am deeply grateful for what I learned every step of the way. I would not take any of it back.

Today, that surfboard is a tiny bit more stable. Yeah, I hit some turbulent waters, and when I did, I simply imagined myself falling from an airplane at 50,000 feet, knowing that all is well, and that this too shall pass. With that magical truth holding my hand, I gently observed myself through the process, allowing myself to fall, but never taking the bait. And just as Abraham suggested, I came out of the process with a more vibrant resonance with Source energy.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved