Brenda's Bicycles

Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “A Puzzling Journey With Joy.”

Early Tuesday morning, I am up at 5:00 a.m. after what has been a difficult and restless sleep. After gobbling down a quick breakfast and packing a light backpack, I step outside at 6:00 a.m., scamper down my steep stone steps, and scurry to the center of town. Seconds later a tuk-tuk motorcycle taxi drives by, whisking me off to nearby San Pablo La Laguna where, with perfect timing, I quickly hurry up the steps of a chicken bus destined for Guatemala City.

It is February 19, 2013 as I eagerly embrace this all-day task of dropping my passport off in the city at the immigration office, including four hours of grueling travel in each direction. The noisy, beat-up old school bus finally drops me off at the end of the line at around 10:00 a.m., at which point I begin a thirty-five minute walk through the streets and bustling traffic of Guatemala’s capitol city.

After nearly an hour of standing in this line and that, making copies and paying fees, I leave the immigration office with my task for the day completed. In two weeks, I will return again to the city to pick up my passport, which hopefully will have another stamp in it, extending my visa for ninety more days.

There is an exciting method to this exhausting madness. In two short weeks, three friends are flying to Guatemala to visit me and Keith’s porch. My return trip to collect my passport on March 5 will also involve a giggling reunion at the airport.

I manage to remain in very high energy throughout the morning, meditating on the bus in a state of “glow,” but I find the long and winding return trip through Guatemala’s mountains to be much more challenging, as exhaustion sits down to join me. Even so, I occasionally manage to bring back periods of high vibration energy.

To celebrate a job well done, I decide treat my inner children to a burger and fries when the journey is over. It has indeed been a long and tiring day, but one I will not soon forget.

Early Morning Surrender

In the midst of another restless sleep, I crawl out of bed at 1:30 a.m. on Wednesday morning, having woken up from a beautiful-but-fear-inducing dream. Seconds before waking, I was having an “other-dimension” conversation with Keith, in which he was telling me it was time for him to move on and for me to move into my own power.

For the next hour or so, I sit on a cushion next to my bed, engaging in a delightful and relaxing meditation regarding this dream. I still fight such early morning wake-up calls, but am gradually learning that if I surrender and follow, rather than resist, I am soon able to return to dreamland.

When I go back to bed at around 2:30 a.m., my friend, the killer mosquito has returned. For months now, my bedroom has been mosquito-free. I can only giggle as I ponder the perfect synchronous timing of this “bugging me / biting me” metaphor.

“Why am I allowing this to keep me awake?” I ponder the paradox. “This inner battle with resistance is not serving anyone. The moment I fall asleep, my skin will be fair game anyway.”

Finally, I surrender and quit fighting the winged vampire, drop all resistance, and just expose my bare arms as available food. Only then do I drift back to sleep.

Distracted And Confused

Wednesday afternoon, as I set up the porch for another public chocolate ceremony, a nice peaceful energy consumes me, in spite of increasing exhaustion from long days and restless nights. Somehow, I know that my tiredness is a part of my process – something to help me further drop resistance in facing whatever is to come.

A couple hours into the ceremony, Keith briefly checks in with me.

“I am tired, but in a really nice energy … still feeling as if I am in a new level of energy,” I begin. “But I am distracted and confused, bouncing back and forth, trying to decide whether to hold space for others or to do my own work.”

“A lot of people here are in a very similar place,” Keith surprises me with his response. “They are going through some type of level change in the energies where the mind is not involved.”

“Just trust what is happening and follow,” Keith guides me before moving on to work with a young woman.

I am quite surprised when Keith’s work with that young woman mirrors precisely what I am going through; and his words to her are exactly what I need to hear.

Pain, Shame, And Self-Hatred

Later, as Keith guides a woman across the porch into some magical inner child work, I note that I feel a deep emptiness in my heart. Intuition tells me that I need to follow this thread and go deeper … that I need to bring more energy up from Mother Earth to support my heart. Yet I feel an inner block preventing me from doing this.

As I focus on exploring this block, I sense that my inner adolescent, a young boy in the ages of ten to sixteen, is quite doubtful, skeptical, and frustrated. He has tried a million times, over and over and over, but his attempts to heal never work. He feels hopeless and apathetic, not wanting to try again, because failure is certain, and the backlash will be even worse, causing more self-loathing.

This very-real inner adolescent boy in me refuses to engage in this process. As I connect with his energy, the intense self-hatred and apathy are undeniable. I quickly invite all of his doubt, confusion, frustration, and apathy to join me in my metaphorical inner conference room.

“Please line up for hugs if you want them,” I ask these energies.

As I follow these meditative threads, imagining myself hugging these wounded and forgotten aspects of me, I go deeper and deeper into understanding the pain, resistance, and hopelessness of a young adolescent boy lost in pain, shame, and self-hatred.

Revealing Pure Intentions

Eventually, when Keith guides the group into another beautiful eighth-chakra meditation, I feel strongly guided to invite this young teenage boy to come with me. I imagine myself taking his hand and asking if he is willing to walk with me up into our crown chakra.

We walk slowly and hesitatingly, stopping for short rest breaks in our heart, high heart, throat, chin, nose, and eventually at the top of our head. Finally, I ask if he is ready to walk across the rainbow bridge with me, up into that ball of light above our head. As I do so, I sense his intense fear. He cannot more forward.

I cannot visualize his face, but I see him as that young sixteen-year-old Eagle Scout that was me. He is so visibly accomplished on the outside, yet hates himself with a passion.

“I am a hypocrite,” I feel him cry out. “I am a loser, a liar, a defective piece of shit pretending to be an angel, hoping people will love me.”

I remind this wounded “boy in me” how deeply genuine and true he was in his heart … both then and now.

“You were always so pure in your desires and intentions,” I tell him.

I imagine us standing together on a stage with an audience of Higher Beings cheering us on, calling out “bravo … bravo … bravo” for how this young man had faced overwhelming odds, wishing he could just die, but somehow making it through the darkness with pure love still intact.

As we stand on that stage, a movie of his life plays on, as every teenage struggle is shown … and every genuine, pure, heart-felt, guileless motivation is revisited.

“We all love you so much,” I tell him. “We all have so much gratitude for your unwavering devotion and character through intense and hopeless times.”

A Frightening Journey

“Can I carry you to the eighth chakra?” I ask this young inner adolescent, still feeling that he is too afraid to walk on his own.

We cry together as I imagine him saying, “Yes.” I feel myself, as his future-self, going back in time, carrying this precious young man to a place where he is too terrified to go – to a place of self-love and pure recognition of his innate goodness.

Finally, I am no longer able to visualize this scenario, but I do feel that I have somehow carried him into this higher vibration place. At this point, I temporarily drop all metaphors because I have no idea how to proceed. Leaving rational mind behind, I invite Higher Love to flood both him and me.

We cycle together through many waves of tears, and a few rounds of almost-dry-heaving. I feel self-hatred slowly dissolving into newly remembered self-love.

“Are you ready to let this self-loathing image go?” I finally ask this young teenage me. “Would you like to stop playing this painful role, and to instead find self-love and self-compassion in the arms of unconditional love?’

This inner adolescent in me is quite hesitant, but I feel a faint “Yes” resonate in my heart. I quickly imagine me as the adult empath, with the assistance of Yoda, holding space with profound love. A white bird hovers in front of us as I ask this young teenage boy to please trust us to take whatever he is able to release. I then get out of the way as I simply feel flowing emotions come and go.

Somewhere in the middle of this intense and powerful process, I feel a warm hand placed on my lower leg. When I look up, I note that Keith, who continues working with someone a short distance away, is simply connecting to share energy … to acknowledge to me that he can feel what I am feeling … that he is following my process even though we have not talked for an hour or two … and that he and I both know I am doing very well and do not need words to guide me.

Perhaps a minute later, Keith moves on. I deeply appreciate this heart-felt gesture.

Healing The Past

Shortly before 5:00 p.m., feeling mostly complete in my journey for the day, I stand up, excuse myself, and rush home for a quick dinner. We are bagging another batch of chocolate tonight and it is time to go if I want to have a full stomach.

I still feel slightly emotional as I hurry home, but I am doing well.

“Perhaps I will revisit this meditation later tonight,” I ponder as I gobble down my plate of rice and beans.

Rational mind cannot justify any of this, but I know that I made great progress today in healing the past, and in bringing that healing forward in time to the present. Somehow, portions of a very stubborn, lifelong self-hatred have lessened, dissolved into nothingness, being transmuted into new recognition of the profoundly genuine heart that has always been at my core.

Finally, late Wednesday evening, I slip into dreamland, having the first satisfying and restful sleep in recent memory.

Take Out The Trash

Thursday morning, February 21, 2013, I wake up feeling alive and energized, giving myself permission to spend the morning watching two inspiring movies. As I finish the second movie, “The Peaceful Warrior,” one particular phrase resonates deeply with my process.

“Take out the trash, Dan,” the character Socrates tells the young Olympic athlete.

Socrates is talking about all of the dysfunctional mind chatter that consumes Dan – taking him out of the present moment – out of his connection to who he really is. I feel as if these words are directed right at me.

“Take out the trash, Brenda,” I hear my Higher Self speaking.

All of my teenage belief systems, mind-chatter, pains, and dysfunctions are literally “mind mangling mementos” that cause me to reject the joy that is a major portion of my light shadow – the joy that I crave, but refuse to embrace out of sheer terror of being rejected. These mementos are beloved souvenirs from childhood and youth – souvenirs that I oddly cherish as my dysfunctional identity. It is an identity of being small, invisible, insignificant, and hiding in the background. There is deep fear regarding letting them go – deep fear of stepping into the naked exposure of the light shadow and being in my power.

Again, I repeatedly ponder the powerful words of Marianne Williamson’s quote that I wrote about in my last blog, “A Puzzling Journey With Joy,” published March 2, 2013.

An Individual Choice

As I soon find myself sitting in a Thursday afternoon chocolate ceremony, I am in a delightful and inspiring energy.

“Everyone has the opportunity today to either get distracted or to go deep,” Keith unexpectedly shares after a long silent meditation.

I giggle as I realize that I have been deeply distracted by one young man’s behavior, but I am indeed going deep anyway, ignoring the distraction, focusing instead on taking out the trash.

Perfect Timing

I begin to revisit the eighth-chakra meditation that I had prematurely ended yesterday evening. I feel a nice energy, but it is nothing special – nothing magical or inspired.

So instead, I begin to ponder all of the garbage that remains bouncing around in my head – the unwanted trash and self-hatred that blocks the allowance of joy.

I have no idea how to work with these belief systems that were particularly dominant in youth and teenage years, so I just allow this intent to guide me while surrendering to the flow and observing the work of others. Nice energy continues to consume me in what, for now, feels like stuckness.

Soon, I listen as a friend does deep relationship work – a process that brings up the clear understanding that everyone has their own unique process, doing it in their own way, and that it unfolds with perfect timing.

“My process is unfolding with perfect timing and synchronicity,” I remind myself with clarity. “I do not need to push in any way. I just need to follow.”

A Box Burning

As I sink into a space of more trust, a distant memory suddenly returns. In High School, back in the early 1970’s, our school had held an annual “box burning” ceremony in which each of the grades had competed to see who could collect the most cardboard boxes. When the judging was complete, all the boxes were piled together and a huge celebratory bonfire was lit to transmute them to smoke.

I then suddenly remember how, on cherished extended vacations with my children, we had frequently held box-burning ceremonies. We had made a big deal of taking turns ceremoniously giving a eulogy to the box, honoring it for how it had faithfully and valiantly carried our food, serving us with courage and devotion, etc. Then we would giggle and throw it into our campfire, celebrating its selfless service (and the new free space we now had in our crowded van).

“Keith has often said that we do not need to sort all of our density out with rational mind,” I ponder with a giggle. “It would take lifetimes to process everything one item at a time.”

“Of course this does not invalidate the need to learn our lessons from the major densities that we put there as our teachers,” I continue, “but I don’t need to keep doing this with all of this teenage garbage. I have reached a point of diminishing returns … of digging through the mountain with a bent and worn spoon. I have learned what I need to learn. I can now just let most of it go. Let’s have an internal box burning!”

Festival Of Fire

Immediately, I invite thousands of angels, under the direction of my Fabulous Four (Bobby, Sharon, mini-Gandalf, and Yoda).

“Please assist in rounding up things that no longer serve me and that can be released the easy way – the things that are no longer necessary as my teachers,” I guide my angelic crew.

I then visualize these inner helpers as boxing all of this stuff and piling it high. Soon, the orange flames are spiraling into the sky. My friends and I are engaged in a huge celebration, dancing and giggling around the magical bonfire. In the middle of this festival of fire, angels continue to gather and through new things into the flames.

I take great delight in realizing that I do not need to know what is being released. Yes, I do feel intense abdominal churning during this process, along with gradual relaxation and release. But once the metaphorical scenario has been designed and intended in my head, I step aside and simply observe and feel, with the processing continuing effortlessly on autopilot.

Inner Heat

Meanwhile, I again feel guided to invite Mother Earth energies to rise into me, up to my heart. Soon, I imagine myself in a pillar of light meditation, where the mother energies from below are met by the father energies from above, joining in my heart.

As I visualize and feel this scenario, what had been a huge bonfire seems to morph into a brilliant transmuting light, into which I lovingly surrender stuff that no longer serves me.

The energy I feel is powerful, but not overwhelming or intense. But at one point I begin to sweat, causing me to wonder if the porch suddenly got warmer, or if the heat I am experiencing is coming from the energies that flow through me. I assume the latter to be true.

Riding The Wave

As Keith works with others, I incorporate things I hear into this inner meditation. As one woman begins to laugh with joy in her own inner breakthrough, I ride her wave and access my own inner joy, allowing myself to giggle a little bit while still resisting a full-fledged laugh attack. As I do so, I feel more energy flowing through me, and sense that more stuff is leaving me.

Feeling quite silly, I again place little Bobby Bear with his nose peering over the little table in front of me, staring right at the woman who is laughing with her eyes closed. When the woman opens her eyes and sees little “Sri Baba” as I now sometimes call my bear, she bursts into uncontrollable laughter, causing me to ride her wave even more powerfully.

From this point on, my face sports a huge grin, and my energy strengthens. I place my inner process on autopilot, allowing it to continue in the background, while participating more in external activities on the porch. I focus on sharing my own new wave of light, blowing heart bubbles and sending energy with my hands while feeling an inner heart expansion in progress.

A Scattered Puzzle

I absolutely love that I have received virtually no guidance or feedback from Keith all day long. I am clear that my journey right now is to find and trust the answers and insights from within – that my journey is not to rely on Keith, but to trust my own power source more directly. I am quite clear that in addition to joy being a major part of my much-feared light shadow, that personal power, self-trust, and surrender are also huge components of the scattered puzzle.

Late in the ceremony, Keith tells a new woman about all of the magic on the porch. As he does so, he mentions or points out nearly every magical person, leaving one name conspicuously absent … MINE.

I giggle inside, knowing that this was intentional – a part of my process. I am literally creating a childhood scenario where external validation was withheld – a scenario in which I can now step into that self-knowing and self-trust without taking any offense.

As the ceremony begins to dissolve into many scattered conversations, a beautiful young woman shows up on the porch and sits beside me. As we talk, she provides beautiful feedback, telling me that my energy is glowing. We find magical common ground in how each of us is feeling guided to step into a space of owning our personal connection to the divine, and of not receiving much external feedback so that we can more fully learn to trust our inner feelings.

For me, this is a huge step, because throughout the majority of my life, feedback and validation have been an absolute requirement before trusting anything out of the box. Especially as a child, when I was asked to do anything creative, a huge inner tantrum would inevitably erupt if such guidance were not offered.

Trusting Inner Knowing

“Wow,” Keith suddenly sits beside me a few minutes later and starts to talk. “You have been on an interesting journey today.”

“I really enjoyed reading your latest blog (Pondering Personal Power),” Keith then adds.

“Yeah,” I giggle, “I have been really deep on a beautiful journey with new metaphors today.”

For a few minutes, I quickly fill Keith in on a few of my inner adventures.

“I feel quite complete with what I did today,” I share with Keith. “Any suggestions?”

To my surprise, Keith does not answer. Instead, he stands up to go work with a few other people who still seem to be in their process. I absolutely KNOW that if I needed my back to be watched – that if he needed to tell me something – that he would.

“No comment is good,” I giggle. “It is a profound validation of my inner knowing … and of where I am at.”

“Thanks for being here today,” Keith briefly shares later when I finish helping to clean up the porch.

When Keith again says no more, I sink into a tiny episode of head chatter – of head trash – suddenly hoping for a little more validation and feedback. I quickly “take out the trash” and realize that this is my creation right now, that not getting more feedback from Keith is exactly what I need to force me to trust my inner knowing.

Self-Flogging Interrupted

Friday afternoon, I arrive at Keith’s porch at the usual time, setting up the chairs and cushions for what turns out to be a small group of around fifteen people. The ceremony begins as any other, with serving of chocolate, introductory discussions, and a beautiful “Glow Mediatation.” But the rest is anything but usual. I could never have predicted what would take place.

Early in the meditation, I am in a nice energy, but I am feeling several sharp pains in my abdomen, and beginning to judge myself for having yet another layer of painful density to work through.

“I am so tired of these continuous emotional pains in my abdomen,” I ponder with low-vibe frustration.

Suddenly, a new thought pops into my head.

“These pains might not even be mine,” I ponder with curiosity. “My heart is wide open right now. I wonder if I am reading them from someone else.”

“The energy is with you,” Keith suddenly turns to me as soon as the Glow Meditation concludes.

Surprised by the unexpected focus, I quickly fill in Keith on the thoughts flashing through my mind, and then ask the obvious question.

“I’m reading this energy, aren’t I?” I ask.

“Yes, you are,” Keith grins in confirmation.

“Wow, I keep doing this,” I respond with a glow of new hope. “It is so natural for me to just believe that everything I feel is mine, and to then begin to beat myself up with it.”

Disproportionate Piles

“Close your eyes and go inside,” Keith guides me. “Go to some generic age of your teenage years, and put all of your emotional stuff in a huge pile in front of you.”

Intuitions tell me to pick age fourteen, because it is one of the least emotionally charged ages of my youth. I want to work with something more generic and possibly easier.

“Now ask an angel, your Higher Self, or a trusted being that you have a relationship with to come and sort through the pile.” Keith takes me deeper. “On one side, ask the angel to put the stuff that is actually yours … and on the other side, have the angel put all of the stuff that came from others.”

I sit with this visualization for a while, feeling the two piles forming in front of me.

“Wow,” I explain a few minutes later, “I am getting a clear image that the pile of other people’s stuff is about ninety percent of the stuff, and that my own pile is only about ten percent.”

Keith immediately agrees that his guidance is in line with my own, and even says that if I had chosen eighty percent that he would have said it was too low.

We talk for a while about how clear this image was to me and how important it is for me to realize what is really inside of me. When I then express doubt as to how to proceed, Keith again turns me loose, telling me to trust my process, and to just let it unfold from here.

Divine Garbage Collectors

As I mediate on my own, I am flooded with a profound sense of inner relief at the clear realization that ninety percent of what I still carry inside of me is not even mine – that the childhood and teenage God drama souvenirs, the judgments, the self-hate, the repressed anger, etc… are mostly internalized from others. I have believed it to be my own emotional garbage, and have been storing it as my sacred duty.

“I sucked most of this stuff in from cultural, religious, and family beliefs,” I ponder with shock. “I was NOT judging myself; I was feeling the judgment of others about their teachings regarding my inner feelings, and believing that judgment to be my own.”

With this new realization, I meditatively call in some angels to help me simply release the ninety percent. First, I realize that some of this stuff might actually belong to someone else, and that perhaps they have a journey with waiting for me to let go of it so that they can process it.

But rather than complicate the issue in my head, I ask all of the angels to simply stack that large pile of boxes on the curb, with the understanding that anyone to whom any of this stuff belongs would be free to come and retrieve their pieces before the rest is hauled off for transmutation. Then, trusting the non-linear nature of time, I ask the angels to haul everything away now, with the understanding that whatever needs to go elsewhere has already done so.

Wow, it works. I feel much lighter, almost immediately. In fact, I feel a delightful vibrating lightness throughout my entire abdominal area.

I sit and relish this beautiful experience, simply basking in the sunlight of this metaphorical magic. After perhaps a half hour, I begin to radiate this same energy to others, doing so for more than half of the ceremony. As I continue, I feel my heart grow increasingly stronger. When the inner power slowly returns, I begin to get an ever-clearer understanding regarding just how much of my power I have given away to those who have judged me and/or made me wrong in the past.

Necessary Disclaimer

Before proceeding with my writing, I again want to make one thing perfectly clear. Whenever I write about difficult interactions with others, I only do so when I consider it profoundly necessary in order to discuss my own process. In the case of this writing, I obviously know that I am always doing so from the standpoint of my own limited perception – from my own unhealed perspective.

I have enough healing experience to know that what I perceive is not always true in the eyes of others, and that the viewpoint of others can often be the exact opposite of my personal experience. This is my blog and my life, and the only thing I can do to document my own healing journey is to share it from my perspective, in a way that describes what I am going through at the time, given my current limited mindset.

In the remainder of this blog today, I discuss triggering interactions with a woman I am calling Catherine (not her real name). I want to make it perfectly clear that I love Catherine dearly, and of course, I know that she will likely see everything I write here from an entirely different perspective. So, as you continue reading, please do so with this understanding.

An Unexpected Explosion

Soon, I observe with deep curiosity as Keith guides a woman (the one I am calling Catherine, who I briefly mentioned in my last blog) into assisting someone else to open an energetic inner door that she cannot open herself. Keith explains that this is giving her an opportunity to feel what it is like to have the door open, but with the understanding that she will still have to do the work inside to keep the door open, or that it will likely close again in a few days.

In pure innocence, coming from a state of genuine heartfelt curiosity, I speak up to ask Keith for simple clarification about what I perceive as “guided fixing” – of doing something to remove someone else’s blockage in a temporary way. I cannot help but remember when Keith guided others in a ceremony at a yoga retreat center to help me open my “high heart” chakra just a little over a year ago – also with the same knowing that they were removing a blockage for me, one that I would have to do the work inside to keep open.

“Keith,” I innocently ask for clarity, “so in this case, this is a type of fixing that will help to shift something for another person, blah, blah, blah …”

Before I can even finish my sentence, Catherine interrupts. She quickly defends that she is NOT fixing and gets extremely defensive regarding my question about what she is being asked to do. I am caught off guard, because I was simply asking Keith an innocent question for clarification.

Then she puts her hand out in front, palm toward me, and says more words that I cannot decipher in the chatter. From my side of this divinely orchestrated script, I feel her projecting angry judgment onto me, accusing me of having a dysfunctional issue with fixing, telling me to shut up, that this is my issue and not her issue.

A few seconds later, when the emotion settles, Keith kindly and lovingly honors me by genuinely answering my question, simply clarifying what I already mostly knew. I receive Keith’s words as a gentle confirmation regarding the original innocence of my question.

Reaching Transparency

After this initial drama completes, I momentarily wallow in the emotions of feeling unjustly attacked, but after about five minutes I quickly disengage, knowing that the attack had nothing to do with me, other than giving me a beautiful opportunity to practice transparency – to practice owning my own power and inner knowing without needing anyone else to like me.

I watch with delight as Catherine owns her power and does magical energy work to help the woman seated in front of her.

I find a sense of magical peace as new understandings flow like a high-vibrational river through my awareness.

“Wow,” I ponder with a giggle. “This is exactly what happened over and over through my life. I absolutely knew my genuine, loving, innocent, and pure intentions, yet I was slammed and rejected by others, feeling literally betrayed by having my pure heart attacked and misjudged by those who should have understood.”

As I continue the river of insights, I recognize that I have spent my life in sheer terror of the rejection by others, giving my power away so that this type of situation would not happen … and then feeling absolutely stupid when it still did.

I follow the magic of this meditation, deeper and deeper into the giggles, until I find beautiful closure regarding the events a while ago. I feel my solar plexus vibrating with even lighter energy as intuitions whisper that I have stepped up yet another level into Higher Energies.

“Wow,” I giggle silently. “I really do no longer care what Catherine or anyone else thinks about me. I KNOW my heart, and that is the only thing that matters. I do not need to explain, justify, discuss, prove, defend, or seek any outside validation … not from Catherine, not from Keith, not from anyone. I absolutely KNOW the purity and innocence of my heart, my intent, and my genuine curiosity.”

As I lovingly continue to observe the process in front of me, I clearly know that I have healed another layer of “power loss,” and I feel deeply grateful for the trigger that set me up for this growth opportunity. In many ways, what happened today was quite similar to Catherine’s tough-love attack on me last June that had also set me up for a magical opportunity to embrace my own inner knowing and power.

NOT Digging A Hole

I continue to giggle in this magical new power while Keith continues to work with Catherine, guiding her in an equally magical process of assisting another. When that process is done, Catherine shares her exciting journey, talking about how triggered she had been by me before she suddenly realized that what I was doing was MY issue and not hers. She explains how powerful it had been for her to disengage and to realize that she did not need to own my dysfunctional struggle with fixing energy … that she could let it be mine.

I again giggle inside as I lovingly allow her to believe what she will, genuinely knowing inside that I was never triggered at all until I perceived an absolutely different reality of her attacking me. It is amazing how two people can see such different realities. I am quite clear that I feel no need for her to understand my reality. Keith lovingly grilled it into me quite firmly last year regarding the importance of allowing others to have their own truth.

But as Catherine’s conversation with Keith winds down, I do have an urge to quickly share my equally exciting journey with disengaging and finding a magical new level of inner power. At what feels like an appropriate moment, I thank Catherine for her process, and begin to explain to Keith how profoundly the experience had served me too, explaining how I also had felt wrongly accused and rejected, but then took it inside for beautiful growth of my own.

Almost immediately, Catherine cuts me off and tries to debate and discuss the issue with me, seeming to take offense that I had felt mis-accused, trying to explain where I am wrong blah, blah, blah. I begin to respond, but immediately recognize that this is a dead end conversation.

“We won’t go anywhere by talking about it at this level,” I immediately interrupt as I realize that trying to do so further will just dig a hole. I perceive that she does not even want to listen to my truth without tearing it apart, and I have no desire to debate.

So instead of digging that hole, I simply disengage, stop talking, close my eyes, and go back into giggling meditation. As I pay attention to the energies, I clearly recognize that my abruptly disengaging has deeply triggered Catherine.

I am so grateful for my understanding of the relationship rules that Keith frequently explains … that it “is never about them” … it is “not about what it is about” … that “nothing changes until you do” … and that “pain is resistance.”

A Huge Step

As I return to silent meditation, I initially struggle for a minute or two as I sort out the craziness, but I soon reach another beautiful level of clarity regarding how I have given my power away constantly, all of my life, repeatedly digging the hole deeper by trying to explain and defend my side of an issue. I was so powerless in those situations, that I was desperate to convince others to see things my way. My only source of power was to receive it from others … and the only way to receive it was if they approved of me and agreed with me … and the only way to get that approval was to be a people pleaser.

When I finally began to follow my own heart, attempting to embrace and resolve my gender confusion, I ignited a huge inner war. I had reached an inner ultimatum of survival – of needing to be Brenda – where doing what I had to do would make others hate me. And in my attempts to follow my heart while retaining the love of others, I dug the hole deeper and deeper and deeper by trying to convince them to love me anyway.

“Today I took a HUGE step toward undoing that pain,” I giggle with self-love. “Today, I found a place where I can allow someone else to do and feel whatever they do, without needing them to love or agree with me, without needing to defend myself, without needing to find any validation from outside.”

“Wow, I am deeply grateful for this crazy interaction with Catherine today,” I giggle in silent meditation.

I Need Do Nothing

In this ongoing meditation, while pondering one of my favorite “A Course In Miracles” workbook lessons, quoting that “If I defend myself I am attacked,” I suddenly understand the profound meaning from an entirely new perspective. When I know and trust my own genuine connection with Source and my own pure intent, I can let others do and believe whatever they want, and it has no effect on me, none whatsoever. There is no need to defend an inner knowing, and any attempt to do so literally does create an energy of being attacked – and opens an energetic attraction to actually being attacked.

“The only thing I need to do is raise my own vibrations, establish a genuine connection to Source, and allow the rest of the world to be exactly as it is … seeing it with pure love.”

I sit in this beautiful understanding as I observe the remainder of the ceremony. I occasionally glance at Catherine, and sense her intense frustration and shut down energy regarding our earlier exchange.

I am quite clear on this. I trust her process. I trust my process. I trust that all is perfect as guidance tells me that doing and saying nothing right now is for the highest good.

Meanwhile, I simply giggle in new levels of self-love and self-compassion. I am quite clear that this inner self-knowing and self-confidence is exactly what got me into agonizing trouble as a child – exactly why I ended up having it all slammed out of me in a process quite similar to breaking a wild horse.

I recognize that I was repeatedly taught throughout my life that the energetic state in which I presently find myself was nothing but selfishness, conceit, pride, bitchiness, arrogance, inappropriate, blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum. But instead, I genuinely know that what I feel right know is indeed a divine state of connectedness, humbly owning who I am, owning my inner power and joy, and recognizing the profound nature of how each of us is equally part of that divine Source energy.

I have never been in such a state of radiating energy without caring about the mind details. I am simply glowing inside, with left-brain logic being completely off the radar.

Complete Transparency

“The energy is with you again,” Keith surprises me near the end of the ceremony.

In pure innocence, I explain my beautiful insights and growth … how I let go of a need to give power to the opinions or feelings of others … that I have achieved a new level of trusting my own inner knowing … blah, blah, blah.

Keith listens politely for a minute or two, and then moves on to work with someone else, without saying a word to me. I giggle because I do not need him to. It is only in retrospect that I see how this brief exchange set up the remaining growth in the ceremony.

A few minutes later, when only four or five people remain on the porch, Catherine speaks up, wanting to address the forbidden subject of an elephant in the room. I have watched and felt her anger for some time, wondering if it would get discussed, hoping it would, but feeling absolutely no need to bring it up myself. I have found my own magical growth and healing, I have shifted my inner reality, and guidance tells me to do and say nothing.

Catherine begins to talk generically, trying to be politically correct, gently beating around the bush as she mentions how something had triggered her, and how she had gone inside and taken it back to a childhood relationship pain.

“I am just fine if you want to talk openly,” I interrupt Catherine. “You can say whatever you need to say and it will not offend or impact me in any way.”

“Wow,” I giggle silently on the inside. “I am SOOOOO unattached, so happy, so empowered that I am inviting whatever might come my way, knowing that, at least for right now, I am completely transparent to it.”

Different Realities, Loving Scripts

There is no need to discuss details, other than to express that Catherine talks freely for quite some time, expressing her perception of a reality in which she sees me as harboring intense negative energy toward her – a reality that seems like a fairy tale to me. None of what she repeatedly accuses me of doing or harboring sticks to me. I know in my heart, with the purest of genuine clarity, that my only negative energy toward her has been sadness and confusion as to why she continues to project onto me so much – why she feels a need to be so tough on me because of my ongoing stuckness in my process.

But I have kept my distance, allowing her to have her own journey while attempting to not let her projections affect my process in a detrimental way. While our interactions have confused me repeatedly, I have always found profound growth as a result, and I know that in some way, at a Higher Level, we must love each other so much that we agreed to play these painful scripts for each other’s growth.

Whenever I have felt what I perceive as her dagger-like projections onto me, I have focused on returning love and non-attachment, trying to disengage and instead figure out what the lesson is for me.

I must say, however, that even though Catherine goes on and on in her discussions of my negativity, she is eloquent, loving, and classy in her delivery. I love her for that too.

Unexpected Revelations

One thing that shocks me in Catherine’s ramblings is how she complains to Keith about how he had repeatedly warned her to back off in her manner of treating me – complaining how Keith had told her that she needed to see me as healed rather than attacking me – that I had been doing really well and that her strong energy might harm and derail my process in a destructive way.

(To this day, at least at the time of this writing, I have never discussed this unexpected revelation with Keith, leaving me profoundly curious as to just what might have actually transpired. Even the thought gives me profound confidence that Higher Guidance is helping me through my process, giving me what I need when I need it, and preventing situations that might have otherwise harmed my process when I was not ready for them.)

Even this second-hand knowing sends deep gratitude through my soul. I was indeed doing profoundly well in January, experiencing magical openings and growth – and if Catherine had tough-love attacked me during that period I likely would have shut down, not being ready for this transparency. I likely would have self-destructed in negative ways or at least missed out on profound growth opportunities.

Fair-Play Turnaround

I am quite surprised when Keith explains to Catherine that she and I are playing mutually beneficial roles with each other, and that he is deeply grateful that I am the one playing this role for her, because if she was playing it with him that she would not be able to listen to him at all.

I cannot help but remember my own agonizing projections onto Paul last year, and the countless times that Keith told me essentially the same thing regarding how grateful he was that I was projecting onto Paul rather than onto him.

I suddenly see my journey of last year in a new light, with new clarity and gratitude. I love and honor Catherine, and if my magical growth serves her, I will lovingly accept the brunt of her projections if that allows her to heal while continuing to work with Keith.

Through all of this intense conversation, I continue to glow with loving energy, non-attachment, confidence, compassion, and unconditional acceptance of all that is taking place. I am actually delighted that Catherine is projecting all over me, and that the experience is not pushing a single button, not even a tiny one (at least for now).

I amaze myself at how absolutely transparent I am right now. It is wonderfully magical. I see so much of last year in the way Keith forces Catherine to pull in her own projections, gently turning things around in the same way he had done with my projections onto Paul.

An Absence Of Hooks

As I later walk home, I am giggling in self-love and self-confidence, delighted by the inner growth and transparency that is unfolding in my process. I am bubbling with inner power – power that has nothing to do with ego – power that comes from trust, surrender, defenselessness, and compassion – power that comes from an inner connection to Source.

While later taking notes and pondering the events, the setup is so clear and obvious – the ways “the energy was with me” – the ways the events unfolded so innocently – the way incredibly mild events triggered such profound inner growth, growth that is not always fun for all involved in the moment. But I have deep trust that all is indeed perfect, even for those who did not have so much fun.

In the past, a ceremony like today, while being profoundly powerful, would have resulted in intense after-the-fact mind-chatter – mind trash that needs to be taken out. But tonight, there is not even one single hook dangling in front of me. Not only do I not take the bait, but the bait is not even offered …. WOW.

I can only giggle when Keith later messages me on Facebook. He has never done this before or since. He was just checking in to make sure I was OK after what happened. After a beautiful online discussion, he thanks me for being so solid in my growth, letting me know now deeply this solidity is serving others.

Later, as I rest on my pillow, I review the powerful magic in my heart. I know who I am; I know my genuine intention and innocence; and I know when I am misinterpreted. But most important of all is that I do not need anyone to validate me or agree with me in order to make that knowing true. The only person who can truly validate the purity of my heart is me … and wow, did I ever do that today.

I giggle all the way to dreamland.

Something Magical

Saturday, I shock myself when I wake up still basking in the high vibrational, giggling energy. This is the first time in my life that I have experienced transparency one day, and NOT woken up with the counter-attack from ego on the next.

Rather than following old patterns, I spend a magical day writing yet-another blog, publishing, “Souvenirs, Keepsakes, and Mementos shortly before 6:00 p.m..

It has indeed been five magical days to remember.

After a series of tiring days, mixed with restless nights and exhausting travel, I experience a dream in which Keith tells me it is time to step into my power. At the time, I could never have imagined the way this would unfold.

First, in the Wednesday ceremony, I experience a magical connection with a teenage me, holding hands with a frightened Eagle Scout, walking hand in hand to my crown chakra, and lovingly carrying him the rest of the way to the eighth chakra as together, we experience profound healing – healing involving the remembering of our heart power – of our pure loving heart that has always guided us every step of the way, even when we were lost in self-loathing.

On Thursday, synchronous events guide me to a metaphor of “taking out the trash” – a metaphor that prompts me to organize an angelic crew who help me lovingly build a mountain of boxes – boxes of old inner trash that no longer serves me. The dancing and giggling festival of fire that ensues then causes me to open new understanding regarding that illusive and frightening light shadow, clearly realizing that not only is joy one of the feared elements of that divine brilliance, but divine power belongs there as well.

As Friday begins with a profound realization that ninety percent of the density still in me is not even mine, I again engage the divine garbage collectors to assist me in transmuting another layer of what is, and is not mine.

But nothing could have prepared me for the unexpected and powerful transparency experience that was headed my way. For the first time in fifty-plus years, I withstood an experience that in the past would have devastated and derailed me – perhaps for days, weeks, months, or even an entire lifetime. But the amazing thing is that not a single button was available to be pushed, and not a single baited hook was dangling. I love the friend who played the other end of this script. I clearly see how our mutual interactions have profoundly served us both, just as my former struggles with Paul served me in magical ways. I am establishing an unshakable foundation of trust that “nothing changes until I do” – and that when I do change, everything else does as well.

Perhaps I was just given a glimpse of such profound transparency … or perhaps it is now a permanent foundation in my life. I have no attachment to either possibility, and no need to know. The only thing I need do right now is to celebrate that something magical is happening, and I know it is good.

It seems that I really am stepping into a beautiful level of divine power – one having nothing to do with what the world defines as power – but a power based on self-love, humility, defenselessness, and inner knowing.

… to be continued …

Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved