Note: This is a continuation from my previous blog titled, “An Ego Counterattack.”
Friday morning, just before heading off to Keith’s porch, I stand in front of the mirror to remind myself who I am.
“I love you,” I glow at myself. “You are so courageous.”
I am increasingly realizing that self-love is the main ingredient for healing the emotional pain-body, and I feel increasingly surprised by just how fleeting that love for self actually is.
When I arrive, Keith is busy with the final details of receiving a new delivery of dried cacao beans … 12,500 pounds in all. Wow! When I arrived in Guatemala just three years ago, four or five hundred pounds lasted him for a few months. I am amazed by the increase.
Because of the delivery, we are a little delayed in starting the Friday afternoon, April 19, 2013, ceremony. I begin in a nice energy … peaceful and pleasant. But during the “Glow Meditation, I start to experience deep distraction.
Masculine Disgust
What distracts me is the innocent behavior of a young man I will call Joe. First, he sits directly facing me, about three feet in front of me, crossing his legs. He is wearing what I would define as ugly, extremely tight, orange shorts – so tight that they that leave little to the imagination. It feels to me as if he is energetically forcing his masculine energy in my face. I believe Joe to be unaware of what he is doing, but even so, I feel extremely invaded.
Later, Joe reclines, with feet aimed right at my face, one on each side of my own feet. Again, I have a very unwanted and triggering view of body contours that deeply disgust me. There are so many different positions that Joe could choose, but he repeatedly aims himself right at me.
“Why am I so triggered by such behaviors?” I ponder with frustration. “And why am I recently manifesting so many men to invade my energy space here on the porch in such similar and obvious ways?”
I am quite aware that I am creating this reality, and that this has nothing to do with Joe. But the situation triggers me to the extreme. I seriously consider going home, or perhaps just moving to a different place on the porch.
“Such masculine energy disgusts me right now,” I ponder with shock.
Profoundly Unlovable
Later, Joe gets all wiggly, happy, and squirmy as he dances in the energies. His behavior feels exaggerated to me. I perceive that he is not holding space for others, and is simply drawing attention to himself. Again, I reflect on several other young men on the porch in the last two years, each of which has triggered me in exactly the same way – each engaging in exaggerated, dramatic, energetic show.
“It is not about any of them,” I ponder, “and it is not about what it is about. There is some unhealed judgment in me – something to do with inner disgust at fake, exaggerated, in-your-face, dominant, dysfunctional masculine energy – and the Universe is not letting me ignore it.”
As I struggle with this intense inner triggering, I focus on self-love – loving myself no matter what I feel – loving everything around me as a needed stage play to show me unhealed pain inside of me.
“I was likely slammed for being an overactive, dramatic little boy when I was very young,” I ponder the possibilities. “I was probably very much like these young men … probably noisy, squirmy, distracting, and downright annoying. My parents disciplined me for such unacceptable behavior, forcing me to be reverent. I am now projecting that judgment onto others who show me an external mirror of this unhealed pain.”
“I still see these rejected parts of me as evil, unruly, and profoundly unlovable,” I continue this line of thought.
With this new realization, I double-down on self-love, searching for the ability to love the parts of me that refuse to love, the parts of me that insist on judging and repressing my bubbly, spontaneous, inner child.
I feel extremely stuck, and I try to love myself for being stuck, simply feeling deep compassion for the repressed emotions that remain buried deeply inside me. This emotion is profoundly real, and needs my understanding hugs.
Rattling And Unsettling
Finally, the inner distraction becomes so intense and overwhelming that I ask thousands of metaphorical angels to come in and help me hold space for this inner temper tantrum. I feel the emotion shaking inside, and I am determined not to lose myself in identifying with it.
Meanwhile, just as I did yesterday, I repeatedly ask rational mind to step aside, visualizing it as sitting in a reclining chair, drinking a margarita, taking a break, and enjoying the good life.
But the inner tantrum rages on as I remain the struggling observer.
As I continue to hang on to a thread of non-attachment, I focus on the same Higher Energy that Steven helped me to access yesterday. Even with all this effort, all this self-love and Higher Energy, the intensity of this insane inner tantrum continues to build. The experience is rattling and unsettling.
Drowning In Distraction
Finally, perhaps two hours into the ceremony, Keith looks my way.
“Brenda,” Keith asks. “How are the withdrawal symptoms today?”
“Huh?” I ask with confusion. “What do you mean?”
In a short bantering conversation, Keith reminds me of how I am trying to stay out of rational mind. He tells me that right now I am suffering from a form of addictive withdrawal – from not getting a fix of rational mind – from not trying to figure things out.
In many ways, Keith’s words do not resonate with me right now. I see them as unrelated to what I am doing in the moment. But yes, I am desperately trying to stay out of my mind, and the inner distracting backlash of craziness seems to be doing everything possible to pull me back to familiar territory – to pull me back into begging for rational mind help. The more I resist this “urge,” the more intense the inner tantrum surges.
I quickly bring Keith up to date with a generic summary of how I am standing face-to-face with intense triggers of distraction, judgment, etc., and just trying to love myself through every step. Keith lovingly acknowledges that at this stage of my process, it is really intense … really slamming me with a vengeance … wham, wham, whamming me with counterattacks. He even hints that I am in that part of my process where the relentless backlash is getting stronger and stronger.
I want to believe what Keith is telling me. I do feel the truth of his words in my heart. And I clearly see that even with the intense distracting energies that overwhelm me, I continue to feel nice energy vibrations in my heart. In fact, as I check in with my heart, it feels full and strong. My body is relatively pain free, with lots of nice energy. I am simply drowning in mental distraction.
Innocently Disengaging
Meanwhile, Joe continues what I perceive as a disgusting onslaught of dysfunctional masculine energy being forced in my field. In an effort to lovingly disengage from what, for him, is clearly innocent behavior, I build a wall between us – a tiny wall of blankets that barely blocks my unpleasant view.
Seconds later, Joe stands up and moves to the corner of the porch. I clearly perceive that Joe remains clueless of my triggers, especially when his ensuing process reveals details completely unrelated to me.
Suddenly, all of my triggers cease and the raging judgments relax. I realize that all of this happened (including Joe moving) at precisely the moment when I began to make progress in loving myself, and taking my own innocent steps to disengage from an unpleasant view.
For the remainder of the ceremony I simply sit in nice energy, occasionally holding space and sharing guided feedback with the process of a friend. I feel less and less inner distraction while the power of my heart gradually increases.
My mind remains quite clueless. In many ways, I feel as if I am not doing anything today, other than going crazy for a while. But at an energetic level, I recognize that something very different is happening.
Dizzying Energies
On the way home from this confusing day, I feel a desperate desire to isolate, but instead first share a delightful conversation over dinner with my friend Sufi. As I later prepare for bed, I am exhausted – but still take the opportunity to stare in a mirror and reconnect with self-love for the glowing face staring back at me.
I have beautiful energetic intentions as I drift off to dreamland. I wake up several times during the night, and every single time, a nice, active flow of energy continues to move through me.
Saturday morning, I wake up with this same energy. It is flowing so strongly that I am almost dizzy. But I am in a good place, and spend most of the day writing a short blog titled, “A Conscious Choice Point,” regarding my ongoing journey of self-discovery as I learn to recognize and understand the crazy inner games that keep luring me into these painful emotional loops.
Reviewing The Loop
Only ten people sit on the porch as the Sunday afternoon chocolate ceremony gets underway, with four more joining us a while later. The ceremony has a very different energy, and is unusually quiet. I bask in this nice energy for the first part of the ceremony. It is nothing out of the ordinary, but I do feel nice warm vibrations tingling in my heart.
At one point, Keith and I briefly chat. I tell him I am back in a much better place, still focusing on self-love, with nothing new that is “up” for processing today.
“I learned a lot last week, especially seeing how I entered my loop again with that unexpected Boston Marathon bombing energy,” I explain to Keith.
“Yeah, and you didn’t go into the loop as deeply this time.” Keith congratulates me. “You are learning more about how you can leave the loop at any point in time.”
Cumulative Uncanny Triggers
I take great relief from the fact that Joe is sitting somewhere else today. I find it uncanny that for the last several ceremonies, he has, without fail, managed to sit directly in front of me, grossing me out with various seating positions.
Imagine my shock when Joe soon decides to lie down on the floor. It is only a matter of minutes before he crosses his legs, and dangles one foot directly aimed right at my face.
“AARGH,” I ponder with a frustrated smile. “This is such a stupid trigger, but it drives me crazy. It is so obvious that I am manifesting him to be in my face no matter what. There is no escaping it.”
Soon, I build a little wall of chili and sugar containers – a wall on the small serving table that separates us – desperately trying to disengage from this metaphor of feeling male feet stuffed into my face.
But every time I build a wall, Joe slightly shifts positions. Every time I open my eyes, the bottom of his foot is aimed directly at me. Soon, Joe lowers his feet and places them directly on my blanket, bumping into Bobby-bear. I quickly rescue my precious little bear from these dirty bare feet before quietly-but-politely asking Joe not to place his feet there.
Meanwhile, two other people then lie down and aim their feet right at me … one man and one woman. As the woman flashes her fully-clothed crotch in my direction, I want to scream inside. It is obvious to me that the Universe is forcing me to face repressed issues of sexuality, and feeling trampled by others.
These triggers are cumulative, building to insanity over a period of many days. I am in my rational mind, desperately trying to figure out “WHY” I am doing this, feeling this, and creating this.
Violating Vengeance
As I ponder, I profoundly realize that I am giving my power away, doing so in two separate ways.
First, by feeling so deeply annoyed, I am giving away my joy and peace while simultaneously wallowing in judgment and frustration. This mentally fabricated energetic state is deeply draining all inner power as it vanishes into a state of hopeless violating attack
Second, I am surrendering my power by not speaking up, by not asking for my personal space to be respected by others.
I clearly realize that these triggers are MY creation, and that the real issue has nothing to do with what is happening on the porch right now.
I am stuck in my mind, desperately trying to figure out if I need to speak up and ask people to please honor and respect my personal space. On the opposite side, I know that the true answer lies inside me. I am confused, not feeling guidance in any specific action, just watching my power drain away while I remain stuck and resistant. I am drowning in analytic head thinking while simultaneously trying to love the part of me that is feeling crazy and triggered – loving the wounded me, the judgmental me, the powerless and hopeless me.
Meanwhile, the triggers continue to barrage me with a violating vengeance.
Frustrating Absurdity
Finally, I get the feeling that I should be proactive in a nonthreatening way.
“Should I just disengage and move somewhere else on the porch?” I silently ask the question while doing a little muscle testing with my hand.
“Yes,” the response comes both intuitively and via my muscles.
Quickly, I grab Bobby-bear, my water bottle, my scarf, and a few cushions. Quietly standing up, attempting to be invisible, I move to the corner of the porch, next to the bathroom, behind Keith’s chair. I isolate myself there, away from all the feet and crotches.
I am shocked by what I soon observe. Over the course of the next half hour, literally five people are simultaneously resting their feet in my former space. Even Joe, who is directly in front of Keith, is turned at a ninety-degree angle, directly facing my former seat.
What I am watching feels like insanity – an undeniable stage play designed just for me, showing me the scene of all these people innocently trampling my personal space. And many of those feet are quite dirty from walking without shoes on streets frequently lined with the goodies that dogs seem to leave behind.
I quietly giggle inside while drowning in the frustrating absurdity – a profound metaphor of how I have surrendered my power for a lifetime, repeatedly allowing others to trample me while quietly ignoring their behavior.
“To do otherwise would not be loving or polite.” I ponder the unhealthy conditioning that continues to stifle me.
After a while, Keith briefly turns his head and glances at me. He says nothing. I simply sigh, shrugging my shoulders. I take his kind gesture as a gentle reassurance that he is watching.
Relationship Rules And A Toothpaste Tube
Finally, my emotions settle and I begin to fill with more peace and relaxed calm.
To my shock, within a minute, all the people on the porch quickly sit up, move their feet, and stop facing my former seat.
Even though I feel more peaceful, I remain deeply confused. I want to talk with Keith about these triggers, and eagerly wait for the opportunity. After a while, with my usual cushion still being empty and feet-free, I stand up and move back to a more visible place on the porch.
Eventually, Keith turns and smiles at me. I make eye contact and gesture that I would like some help.
“Relationship rules and a toothpaste tube,” I begin speaking in cryptic codes.
Violated And Attacked
When Keith acts a little confused, I explain that I am referring to an incident a year ago where I had felt deeply violated when a roommate (out of innocence) secretly used up a small tube of my travel toothpaste that I had been saving. As a result of that incident I had done deep processing, taking me to the realization that as a child, I had no right to personal space, or privacy in any form.
The relationship rule comment is meant to indicate that I am dealing with a deep rational mind understanding that my triggers have nothing to do with the people on the porch today, nor do they have anything to do with other people’s feet in my face, etc…
As I attempt to generically explain my insane triggers, I finally just blurt it out.
“I know that what is triggering me is stupid, and it would likely not bother anyone else here,” I express my frustration. “But for me, I am experiencing a space-violating nightmare. For the last week or so, I have been literally bombarded with feet and open crotches aimed right at me.”
“I have figured out that these metaphors go right back to childhood,” I continue, “to my personal space, privacy, freedom, and feeling my sexuality trampled by others … especially by distorted masculine energy. Deep inside me is profound anger at how my sexuality was repeatedly repressed in discrete ways. I feel violated and attacked by silly and stupid things … but for me, they are HUGE.”
Figuring It Out
As I explain the inner pain, I start to get quite emotional.
“Keith,” I beg for feedback. “I am seeking guidance on when it is appropriate to simply disengage and focus on my inner reality versus when it might be appropriate to take back my power by speaking my truth and asking that someone else’s behavior be modified.”
Keith does not directly answer, but he does give a big affirming nod when I ask about the “disengaging part.” Then, in the midst of ensuing conversation, Keith does acknowledge that there are times when it is appropriate and sometimes even important to speak one’s truth.
“Brenda,” Keith then helps me in big ways. “You are trying to figure all of this out in your rational mind.”
I suddenly realize that Keith is right. I am desperately trying to figure out the rules, the formula, all the while not even allowing myself to feel the underlying emotions.
“By trying to figure out the best approach for healing, I am avoiding the actual emotions themselves,” I ponder with clarity. “I need to just surrender and allow myself to feel these emotions to the bottom. It is these emotions that cause the continued dysfunction in my life. The only way to heal the emotions is to feel them, and to then surrender them to the light. Once the emotions are transmuted, the triggers will not even bother me anymore.”
As I give myself permission to feel, I start to sink into tears.
Go Into It
“Keith, I am so confused,” I blubber through the emotion. “I realize that a lot of this could be an inner scammer, just trying to suck me into another loop, and that the answer is just to own my power and remain above the emotion … yet the emotion is very real. Do I need to cry down to the bottom before it can be transmuted?”
“Yes, and yes,” Keith responds. “If this is the inner scammer … and it really could be … then the response would be to love it and then not buy it. But based on the emotion that is now surfacing, it is something you really need to go down into.”
Keith then validates that I am experiencing intense violation emotions of my childhood self … that it is another layer that is ready to come up and be released.
“Go into it,” Keith encourages.
Just Keep Following
I feel really stupid as I start to sob, but I do it anyway. Very soon, I begin to dry heave, bending forward and hurling energy out of my throat. Keith immediately points out something he has never before told me, sharing that my frequent dry heaving is a very clear body metaphor that I want to throw something out of me. He helps me to understand that by doing this, I am likely releasing the emotion the hard way, and that maybe it is time just to bring in the light and let myself do it more easily.
“I don’t want to be on the hard bus,” I beg for guidance. “I want to do it the easy way, and don’t know how to tell when I am at the bottom of the emotion. I have always thought that I have to go into the body metaphor of dry heaving and depth of agony before I can reach the bottom.”
Keith reminds me how I have repeatedly watched other people bring in the light and how it transmutes the density wherever they are at. He points out that if they need to go deeper, then the light takes them deeper, and if they are finished with that layer, then the light fills them.
“It is not something that you need to understand and figure out with the mind in advance,” Keith again coaches me. “Just try things. If you are on the wrong side of the fence, the results will show you. Just keep following, and don’t try to analyze or figure it out.”
New Understanding
Prior to this moment, I had believed the dry heaving to be an involuntary physical reaction that had evolved as part of my process. I feel a tiny bit resistant to his guidance, but quickly try Keith’s suggestion, asking the light to fill me.
Almost immediately, the emotion seems to vanish and the dry heaving stops. I sit in amazed puzzlement as I surrender to a new right-brain energy experience. Pleasurable prickly tingles of energy begin to fill my upper chest as the former heaviness further vanishes, being replaced by more joy and peace. In fact, the insanity and triggers are gone.
I have gained a new understanding – one intuitively whispering that it is important to feel emotion to the bottom, but that once I reach the point of my body trying to heave it out, I can stop and ask the light to take over. At that point, I can just let go in a much easier way.
As Keith and I continue talking for a while, he congratulates me for another beautiful process, explaining that I created situations on the porch to cause the intense triggering – triggering that took me to a beautiful process that helped me understand another deeper level of how I continue to get lost in the mind. It gave me an experience of contrast between being in my head, showing me how I still try to figure things out.
“And then it gave you a beautiful energy experience to show you the other side of the issue,” Keith verbally pats me on the back.
In this moment, my heart is alive and overflowing with deep energetic peace. I feel magical self-love for situations that once would have made me feel like a loser.
I do not feel bad for speaking so bluntly about the behaviors that have been triggering me. I feel no need to apologize to Joe or others, and am not even sure if they know I was referring to them. I spoke my truth in a loving and generic way, owning those triggers.
In fact, I profoundly love myself for having the courage to do this process, for having created situations that have magically taken me to new levels of experiential understanding.
A Trigger Fest
After a quick Monday morning trip to Panajachel for much needed banking and shopping, I find myself right back on Keith’s porch for another small, quiet ceremony.
I arrive with a sense of determination. I intend to further trust my flow, resisting the need to direct or understand my process with rational mind.
As I begin to experience more solar plexus pains, I focus only on self-love. Rather than analyzing what to do, I remain open while paying deeper attention to the sensations in my body. The sensation in my solar plexus feels like an emptiness, like a deep kicked-in-the-gut feeling. I close my eyes and go sit down beside it. It hurts, but the pain is not overwhelming. I sense that this comes from childhood. I pay attention, imagining myself loving and holding the pain, but nothing changes. Instead, my attention is drawn outward.
As I look around me, I begin to feel deeply annoyed by nearly everyone on the porch. One young man triggers me and I see him as being an attention-getting crybaby. Another young woman is breaking all the rules. Others are distracted, not holding space, and fidgeting. One new man is not even paying attention, and is instead painting a picture. A few others engage in sidebar conversations that make it hard for me to hear Keith.
I find myself feeling quite judgmental regarding countless ongoing behaviors that do not need to be elaborated. I know these triggers are all inside of me – showing me something.
But rather than push these judgmental, annoyed emotions down – and rather than trying to analyze them with rational mind – I give myself permission to feel them, repeatedly going as deeply as I dare before bringing in light to release them.
Lost In The Script
About halfway through the ceremony, I imagine my heart opening while sending heart bubbles to literally everyone on the porch, doing so one beautiful person at a time. Gradually, I begin to see each person as an external reflection of some rejected part of me.
After a while, I feel guided to step back from seeing all the events in front of me as being separate. Instead, I imagine myself stepping above the stage play, above the roles that everyone is playing, and attempt to see everything from a divine perspective – from a perspective of me not being lost in my own leading role. I imagine each person as merely an actor who is lost in the script.
But even with all this effort, many things continue to deeply annoy me. I am still lost in the personality role.
Crystal Vibrations
Finally, I feel guided to do a silent eighth-chakra meditation. For a long time I have been attempting to bring in more Mother-Earth energy, but it has not been working.
I make a focused effort to imagine myself walking up to the crown of my head, repeatedly bumping into stiff inner resistance. Finally, I step into an elevator, push the up button, and wait until the doors open. As I step out of the elevator, I paraglide across a rainbow and land in my eighth chakra. It was a different-but-fun way of arriving here.
As I visualize myself walking up to my temple of light and stepping through the door, I imagine myself surrounded by magical, vibrating energy. At the same moment, I remember a meditation that a friend taught me two years ago. I visualize myself reclining in a huge glass case filled with tiny, radiantly vibrating quartz crystals. I am fully immersed in the crystals as they vibrate all around me.
I utilize this imagined scenario to feel the high-vibration tingles. Soon, I feel this energy physically consuming my head, neck, and chest. As the energy spreads, I feel the judgments dissolving … the triggered annoyances disappearing.
I focus with clarity that all of the people on the porch are representing rejected (or loved) aspects of my self – each of which I continue to push away and reject. Every part of me, rejected or loved, needs my love.
A Cell For Exiles
As I enjoy this beautiful energy, I continue to feel an ongoing heavy place in my solar plexus. As I connect inside, I soon begin to understand that this place in my solar plexus is a metaphorical room – a jail cell of sorts – where all of these rejected aspects of me have been exiled.
With this intuitive understanding, I imagine myself walking down to that room in my belly, carrying a key that I brought with me from the eighth chakra. I stand in front of that cell, unlock the door, and express my intent. I share my desire to send love to all of the aspects of self that I have exiled to that room. I make a general request, asking for any of them who are willing to please allow and/or consider receiving love from my heart.
I then return to that quartz crystal meditation high in my eighth chakra, this time taking an imagined elevator even higher up into the clouds. As I visualize the clouds, I feel physical tingles from the energetic mist. I feel the energy from head to root. It is not overwhelming or spectacular, but I definitely feel it, and it is nice. I experience it in tiny bursts that then flow down through my body all the way to this now-open jail cell in my solar plexus.
Soon, responding to further intuition, I invite all of these aspects-of self to join me in the heart, where they belong. I tell them that they are free to come and go at their leisure.
Simple But Beautiful
About halfway through this journey, Keith and I briefly glance at each other. A while later he interrupts the silence. Prior to this point, we have not discussed my process at all.
“Brenda,” Keith shares. “What you are doing today is simple but beautiful.”
“How does it feel to further wean your self from the rational mind?” Keith then asks with a smile.
At this point, I briefly fill Keith in with a summary of what I have been doing. I know that these are just stories, that he already feels my energy, but for some reason, I still desire to share actual details.
Keith again congratulates me and gives beautiful feedback, all of which fades from memory before I later take notes for the day.
The ceremony remains quiet and low-key, with very little going on externally. My most amazing accomplishment during the remainder of the ceremony is that I actually hold beautiful and powerful space for the same young woman who was earlier driving me crazy with her rule-breaking behavior – and I hold space with pure love and compassion.
Trusting My Creations
The ceremony begins to dissolve quite early today. Very few people ask for help, and during the quiet times Keith simply sits in his chair meditating with his eyes closed, not pushing or initiating anything.
The old-me might have been quite annoyed by what I would have seen as Keith not taking a proactive interest in the process of others. The new-me is quite content, learning to trust and surrender, knowing that everything is perfect exactly as it is.
I absolutely know that I am doing very well in my process, and that I received all the help I needed, with most of that guidance coming from the inside. I can only trust that others are doing the same … and that if someone really needed help, they would speak up and ask.
I really am learning to go with the flow, and to trust everything as my creation, and as being perfect for what I need.
At 4:00 p.m., Keith ends the ceremony, suggesting that he wants to get an early start on preparing the porch for tonight’s chocolate bagging. Just as before, I feel totally complete with my journey, and can only trust and surrender that all is perfect for everyone else as well.
Stories About Stories
After a fun evening of assisting with the bagging of three hundred additional pounds of freshly ground cacao, I return home to the loud concerts of the annual town Feria. Knowing that there is no chance of sleep during the blaring music from the nearby basketball court, I watch videos on my computer until 1:00 a.m., at which time the music finally ends. Even then, my body continues to vibrate with residual sound waves.
I wake up several times during the short night, unable to relax, getting unsatisfying bursts of sleep. Even after remaining in bed till 9:30 a.m., I manage to motivate myself to write the blog that has been eluding me now for a week – a blog titled, “Stories About Stories,” – a blog regarding one of the most profound energy experiences I have had to date.
I finish the writing on an energetic high. I love how going back in time always helps me integrate, bringing profound growth and understanding to my process.
Simple But Elusive
As always happens, these last five days seem to be synchronously grouped with similar, perfectly timed themes. In fact, all three chocolate ceremonies were filled with intense-but-silly triggering – with most of the triggers involving bare feet and unwanted, tightly-clothed vistas being forced into my personal space.
It was a confusing journey, but one in which I always owned my triggers and projections. The explorative adventure took me much deeper than ever before. In the midst of surrendering to the crazy-making process, I began to understand that I truly was, and always have been, attempting to figure out the triggers with rational mind – wrongly thinking that I had to understand my dysfunctional behavior before I could heal it.
As the ceremonies unfolded, it became increasingly obvious that, at least for me, I no longer need to understand much about the triggers themselves. I can trust that IF I need understanding, that it will come to me, but I do not need to search for it. Instead, the flow (in many ways) showed me the obvious – that all of these triggers are only happening because the emotions behind them are still buried and active inside me.
“The healing doesn’t come from analyzing the triggers,” I suddenly realized. “The solution comes from doing exactly what Keith has been trying to teach me all along. I simply need to allow myself to actually feel the emotional trauma underneath the triggers. If I can do that without identifying with and reenergizing the emotion, I can then simply surrender the emotional layer to the light. Once I do this, actually letting it go, that layer is done. No rational analysis is even needed. Once the emotion is released and transmuted, the same external triggers are actually quite silly, having little residual effect on me.”
It is so simple, yet has been so elusive. Rational mind continues to want to jump in with stories, yet those stories simply get in the way.
An Expanding Toolbox
But perhaps the most profound growth has come from actually listening to Keith’s analogy of stating that I have literally been addicted to rational mind (as most of us are), and that I am now experiencing withdrawal symptoms as I attempt to wean myself from a constant need for more “fixes”.
In many ways, I see these three crazy days of triggers as having been a profound opportunity to show me just how intense the rational mind focus has been – and to show me how beautiful the energetic path can be if I simply give up the need to figure things out.
And in the process of this surrender, a great deal of magical knowing did gradually unfold. I gained new understanding into the deep childhood feelings of violation – of how my physical space, my emotional space, and my sexual space were literally trampled out of me by the invasive footsteps of distorted masculine influence.
And as I further healed, I began to realize that all of the ongoing triggers of judgment and annoyance (at least on Monday) were actually stemming from inner judgment and annoyance of rejected parts of me – parts of me that needed to be loved and invited into my heart.
As I further let go of the need to figure things out, I am blown away by how much clarity is now unfolding in my process. While I have a very good rational mind, I am finally beginning to understand that the rational mind really isn’t the tool. No amount of talking, storytelling, discussion, or debate can take me into the actual energetic experiences that are necessary for my healing. In fact, such logical attempts to analyze and figure things out usually just get in the way of the real healing.
I am profoundly grateful for my rational-mind understanding, and I know it will be an extremely valuable asset in my toolbox of the future. But the most profound tool I am now developing is coming from the heart – from actually experiencing how simple the healing process can be if I simply allow myself to feel, trust, and surrender to the Higher Energies that have always been there, just waiting for me to let them in.
… to be continued …
Copyright © 2013 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved